This article is the follow-up to BPD Ambush: How Borderlines Weaponize Therapy. It’s a real-life story of what happened when Goldie, recently diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, discovered her husband, Victor, had scheduled a session with me. (Names and identifying information have been changed for obvious reasons.)
Before diving in, here’s a quick recap:
Goldie and Victor have been married for less than a year.
Since saying, “I do,” she’s:
-
- Called 911 multiple times with false abuse allegations.
- Gotten Victor arrested and dragged through court.
- Made public scenes—like running out of restaurants screaming that he was abusing her.
- Jumped out of his moving car. More than once.
Originally, it was supposed to be an individual appointment for Victor to discuss the “difficulties” in his marriage.
If you haven’t already read BPD Ambush, here’s the TL;DR: That didn’t happen.
Instead, Goldie crashed the appointment, turning it into an impromptu couples therapy hijack.
Her goal?
To spin the narrative that attending one DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) session and starting psych meds less than a week ago meant everything was fine now.
And to block Victor from accessing support—namely, me—that might threaten her grip on him and the relationship.
The session wasn’t just frustrating.
It was diagnostic.
What unfolded in under an hour was a highlight reel of BPD manipulation tactics in a therapy setting—
boundary violations, attempts to control the narrative, attempts to triangulate the therapist, magical thinking, and a dash of performative “insight.”
Goldie did all of this in exactly 53 minutes.
(Yes, I was watching the clock.)
Proving one of my long-time rules:
Narcissists and borderlines do more crazy before 9 AM than most people do all day.
(“BPD all that you can BPD!“—not in the U.S. Arrrrrrrrrr-my.)
If you’ve ever tried therapy with a borderline, narcissistic, or histrionic partner—
or just attempted a rational conversation—
and walked away feeling more gaslit, scapegoated, or demoralized than before…
You’re not crazy. And you’re not alone.
In this article, I’ll dissect eight classic manipulation tactics BPDs frequently use in couples therapy.
Tactics that derail healing, distort facts, and leave their victims confused, isolated, and unsupported.
So let’s break down the BPD of it all.
1. First Therapy Boundary Violation
Standard therapy protocol requires informed consent for joint sessions.
In plain English? Both parties must sign the counseling contract—before they show up together.
If a client wants their partner to attend, they’re supposed to discuss it ahead of time—not spring it on the therapist just as the session begins.
Victor and Goldie ignored that.
No heads-up. No signed paperwork. No courtesy.
Goldie did the therapy equivalent of a photobomb, putting me on the spot with zero warning.
Could I have asked her to leave? Sure.
Did I? No.
Instead, I started the session with my guard up and my BPD-dar at DEFCON 2.
Now, some might argue:
“Maybe they just didn’t know how therapy works?”
[BUZZER SOUND]
Wrong answer.
Goldie has a graduate degree in mental health.
She knows the rules.
She just thinks they don’t apply to her.
Because entitlement.
Because BPD.
2. Second Therapy Boundary Violation
I state very clearly on the Shrink4Men About page that I do not work with personality-disordered individuals.
There’s no ambiguity.
It’s not open to interpretation.
It’s black and white—kind of like BPD thinking.
And yet, Goldie ignored that boundary and ambushed me under the pretense of an individual session for Victor.
Bottom line:
Goldie (and Victor, whether wittingly or unwittingly) initiated a therapeutic relationship through deception and manipulation.
Actually, I’ll give Victor the benefit of the doubt.
My guess? He was presented with two options:
Let Goldie join… or no session at all.
So why did Goldie roll the boundary dice?
There are three possible scenarios. She likely assumed:
- I wouldn’t enforce my boundary—and could be manipulated into supporting her “miracle cure” narrative.
- I wouldn’t enforce it, but wouldn’t be manipulated into supporting her. At which time, she could say, “See! She’s biased against BPDs! We can’t work with her!“
- I’d enforce the boundary—removing myself as a potential therapeutic ally for Victor.
No matter the angle, the outcome is the same:
Goldie keeps control—of the session, of the story, and of Victor.
3. Using Therapy to Control the Narrative
Goldie didn’t just attend the session—she dominated it.
Or at least, she tried to.
She tried to reframe the narrative, to redirect the focus, and steer things in her favor.
But therapy isn’t supposed to be a courtroom, where the borderline or narcissist gets to argue their case and silence dissent.
(Though that’s exactly how many of them try to manipulate therapists.)
Goldie wasn’t there to work on herself.
She wasn’t there to hear honest feedback.
She definitely wasn’t there to receive anything that conflicted with her “I’m all better now!” fanfic.
She was there to make sure Victor and I couldn’t speak freely.
She did this by using classic BPD therapy manipulation tactics, including:
- Controlling the conversation.
- Feigning accountability while positioning herself as the victim.
- Framing Victor as the problem.
And how did she try to stay in control?
- Flatter me.
- Appeal to my authority.
- Then deny, dismiss, and invalidate Victor’s reality.
That’s not insight.
That’s BPD narrative management 101.
Therapy Aside #1: Therapy Isn’t Supposed to Be a Courtroom
When a borderline or narcissistic partner pushes for therapy, it’s usually not about improving communication, understanding, or conflict resolution.
It’s about control.
As I’ve discussed in multiple articles and videos, they don’t want a neutral space—they want a platform. A place to:
-
- Spin their victim narrative while attacking their partner.
- Bolster their identity as the “wounded one” while invalidating and controlling their partner.
- Use the therapist as a pawn—or worse, a weapon.
And if the therapist doesn’t play along?
Borderlines and narcissists go from idealize to devalue in .001 seconds—
From “I respect your expertise” to “You’re a quack.”
Therapy becomes just another stage in their endless psychodramas—where the therapist gets triangulated, the partner gets gaslit, and their distorted reality becomes the script everyone’s expected to follow.
To these indidivuals, therapists aren’t helping professionals.
They’re just like everyone else—potential allies, enablers, and negative advocates.
4. Invalidating Victor’s Perspective and Emotional Needs
The few times Victor tried to express what he was experiencing, Goldie swiftly shifted the spotlight back to herself—and her pain.
Yes, she admitted she’d falsely accused Victor of abuse.
But then came the “buts.”
And Goldie had a lot of buts.
Therapy only works if both partners are willing to acknowledge reality.
Not her truth.
Not his truth.
The truth.
Fact-based, objective, verifiable truth.
You know—what many borderlines and narcissists call “mean” or “abusive.”
Instead of considering Victor’s very real concerns, Goldie played the victim.
She seemed oblivious—or indifferent—to how her lies, public scenes, false police reports, and Victor’s subsequent arrests and court involvement affected him.
Her complete lack of empathy was stunning.
It’s also peak BPD-NPD.
This kind of empathy gap, tone-deafness, and exclusive self-focus on the borderline’s suffering destroys any chance of effective couples therapy.
That’s why I ultimately offered to work with Victor individually—and left it to the DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) practitioner to decide if or when she’s ever ready for couples work.
Which, frankly, isn’t looking great.
Because when one partner dominates the session, reframes accountability as victimhood, and shows no genuine empathy for the harm they’ve caused, the other partner is left with two options:
- Self-defense mode, or
- “Shut up and let her talk so I don’t get attacked later” mode
Which is exactly what Victor did.
Therapy Aside #2: Why the Healthier Partner Stops Talking
When you’re in therapy with a borderline, narcissist, or other high-conflict partner, sharing what’s really going on at home—and how you’re really feeling—is dangerous.
Because no matter how gently and diplomatically you express yourself (i.e., walking on eggshells in therapy), they’ll:
-
- Twist it into an attack.
- Interrupt or overtalk you.
- Reframe it as their pain.
- Or weaponize it later.
It’s exhausting.
It’s demoralizing.
And when you get home—away from the therapy office—you’re going to get an earful. Or worse.
Eventually, you stop talking.
You’re not in denial.
You’re not an emotionless robot.
And yeah, maybe you’re hiding things—but not for nefarious reasons.
You’re in self-protection mode.
This is how therapy—what’s supposed to be a healing space—becomes just another arena for more borderline and narcissistic abuse and manipulation.
And this is exactly why competent DBT therapists advise against couples work—until the BPD/NPD partner develops:
-
- Basic emotional regulation skills.
- The ability to tolerate their partner’s feelings.
- And the capacity to hear facts without lashing out.
Until that happens?
Couples therapy does more harm than good.
5. Pressuring the Therapist for Validation
Goldie didn’t come to the session for therapy.
She came for validation.
Like many borderlines in couples therapy, she wasn’t seeking insight or accountability—she wanted me to co-sign her version of reality.
She expected me to confirm:
- That she was making progress (after one DBT session).
- That Victor was being “unfair.”
- That DBT and her new meds would magically save the marriage.
- That she was “not like all the other BPDs”—and that it was safe for Victor to stay with a woman who had already made multiple 911 calls, falsely accused him of abuse, and had him arrested.
And when I pushed back on her magical thinking?
That was it.
I was dead therapist walking.
Therapy Aside #3: When “Validation” Is a Trap
Ideally, therapeutic validation means acknowledging a client’s emotional experience—even if you don’t agree with their interpretation of events.
It’s about empathy—not enabling.
But for many individuals with BPD or NPD, validation isn’t about empathy or attunement.
They want the therapist to validate their distortions, fabrications, self-sabotaging behavior—and to affirm that their abuse of their partners (and children) isn’t really abuse.
Because they’re “in pain.”
So it’s “justified.”
And if you don’t?
-
- You’re cold.
- You’re biased.
- You don’t understand them.
- You’re re-traumatizing them.
- Or—my personal favorite—you’re “ganging up” on them.
Which is ironic, because complicit, colluding therapists are exactly what many BPD/NPD individuals demand.
What they really want is someone to look into their funhouse mirror with them—and agree it’s reality.
Not challenge it.
And if you don’t?
They bounce.
And maybe threaten to sue you.
6. Magical Thinking
When I didn’t affirm Goldie’s one-session, one-week-on-meds “miracle” progress—or her unrealistic optimism about her prognosis, and blatant minimization of what she’d done to Victor—her convivial veneer started to crack.
No matter how many times she tried to inveigle me into agreement, I didn’t budge. Because I saw it for what it was: more textbook BPD manipulation.
Goldie’s “progress” wasn’t rooted in real insight. It was a bargaining chip. A way to say:
“See? I’m working on myself, so you owe me your trust, your forgiveness, and maybe even a baby.”
I repeat, this isn’t growth. It’s performative manipulation that’s a combination of guilt tripping and victim playing.
In fact, the performance itself is often the manipulation—designed to bypass accountability and pressure the victim into reconnection before trust has been rebuilt.
Which brings us to abuse amnesia.
7. Abuse Amnesia
Abuse amnesia is often used to describe how trauma survivors forget, minimize, or compartmentalize past abuse.
But borderline and narcissistic abusers like Goldie have their own version of abuse amnesia—and it’s rarely unconscious.
They selectively and conveniently “forget” the worst of their behavior.
They minimize it. “I never hit you!” when they slammed a door two inches from your face.
And then flip the script to cast themselves as the real victim.
Or they rationalize it. “You ignored my texts!” while you were at work—as justification for calling your boss and accusing you of stealing in retaliation.
And then flip the script to cast themselves as the real victim.
This isn’t actual forgetfulness.
It’s a combination of denial, minimization, justification, and blame-shifting—
psychological defense mechanisms that protect the abuser from accountability and consequences.
The implicit (or sometimes explicit) message is:
“The abuse stopped—or has for now—so let’s never speak of it again.
And while you’re at it, buy me an ice cream as my reward.”
And if you don’t forgive them fast enough?
If you can’t pretend everything is sunshine, rainbows, and lollipops after they’ve burned your life down?
You’re the problem.
You’re the “abuser” now—for still feeling hurt. For needing time. For protecting yourself.
Pardon my language, but: Fuck. That. Shit.
Abuse isn’t erased just because the yelling stopped.
It doesn’t disappear because someone downloaded a mindfulness app or showed up to therapy one time.
Goldie seemed to think that because she:
- Admitted she lied about the abuse (sort of),
- Got evaluated (I’d bet this probably wasn’t her first BPD diagnosis and that Victor isn’t her first victim),
- Restarted her meds, and
- Attended one DBT session…
…that everything was fine now.
Problem solved.
Crisis over.
Moving on.
Resume date nights.
Never mind that she likely only took those steps because she sensed divorce—the loss of control over Victor and her privileged life—was imminent.
So now, because Goldie has supposedly “seen the light,” Victor is expected to forget:
- The arrests.
- The public meltdowns.
- The trauma.
- The fear.
- The risk to his safety, freedom, and future.
And just blindly trust that everything is magically okay now.
This isn’t just magical thinking or abuse amnesia—
It’s delusional entitlement.
And a profound lack of empathy.
And worst of all?
It’s a setup for more abuse.
Therapy Aside #4: Progress Includes Accountability and Consequences
Real progress in BPD—or any personality disorder—isn’t measured by one DBT session, a med refill, and a couple of self-serving “I’m sorry’s.”
It looks like this:
-
- Taking full ownership of past behavior—without minimizing, justifying, or playing the victim.
- Accepting that your partner is hurt, scared, or guarded—and that they have a right to be.
- Understanding that trust isn’t reset with a therapist’s note or three days of good behavior.
- Continuing the work even if you’re not forgiven—and knowing you might never be.
That’s what real change looks like.
Progress isn’t about how quickly you “bounce back” after a meltdown or crisis.
It’s about stopping the expectation that everyone else will immediately bounce back with you—and then pretend like nothing happened and trust you again.
Accountability without entitlement.
Remorse without demands.
Effort without strings attached.
That’s the benchmark for genuine progress and emotional growth.
When someone with BPD demands instant forgiveness or uses therapy to pressure their partner into staying, they’re not healing.
They’re trying to leap frog the consequences of their behavior—and calling it “progress.”
8. Triangulating the Therapist: How BPDs Use Therapy to Maintain Control
So we’re absolutely clear, Goldie hijacked Victor’s individual session to ascertain whether:
- I could be manipulated.
- I could be co-opted to serve her “best interests” (translation: no divorce + baby ASAP), rather than Victor’s best interests.
- I would validate her narrative at Victor’s expense.
- I’d compromise my principles and clinical expertise to make a buck.
Obviously, I didn’t pass Goldie’s BPD-enabling therapist sniff test.
I don’t believe for a second that Goldie truly believed her own bullshit.
But she wanted me to believe it.
She wanted Victor to believe it.
Because if she could get Victor’s “BPD expert” stamp of approval, it might dispel his very valid fears and doubts about Goldie and the viability of their marriage.
She wasn’t just trying to control the session.
She was trying to control the trajectory of their marriage —and block any therapeutic relationship that might accurately reflect reality back to Victor.
The goal?
Dismiss Victor’s assessment of the situation—and keep him locked in BPD hell with her.
Therapy Aside #5: Therapist Shopping
No matter how many times I asked Goldie, “What do you want from me?”—and I asked at least three times—she never gave a direct answer.
She danced around it. Sidestepped. Tried to get me to say what she wanted Victor to hear—without actually saying it herself.
That’s typical of many borderlines and narcissists: indirect asks cloaked in plausible deniability.
So let’s translate BPD to Normal.
What Goldie really wanted wasn’t therapy—for Victor, herself, or their marriage.
She wanted confirmation of her narratives.
She wanted control.
And she wanted help keeping Victor trapped in the relationship.
In other words, she wanted a therapist for Victor who would:
-
- Ignore the facts and decades of research on personality disorders.
- Reframe her manipulative behavior—in just this session alone—as “progress.”
- Recast her abuse as trauma responses.
- Pathologize Victor as cold, avoidant, or emotionally unavailable if he doesn’t keep emotionally supporting her—i.e., letting Goldie play Russian Roulette with the proverbial pistol pointed at his head.
- Urge him to stay—even if it costs him his career, reputation, freedom, and future relationship with any children they might have.
That kind of therapist—the one Goldie was screening for?
In my professional opinion, they wouldn’t just be enabling.
They’d be committing malpractice.
Because when Goldie’s symptoms inevitably flare again—and they will—Victor will be the one paying the price.
This wasn’t about mutual growth or support.
This was therapist shopping, dressed up as “getting help.”
And this is exactly why Goldie asked to attend Victor’s next individual session.
And it’s exactly why I said no.
Conclusion: Why Therapy Fails with a Borderline Hijack
Therapy can be a powerful tool—for healing, growth, accountability, and change.
But when one partner uses it as a weapon?
It stops being therapy.
It becomes just another extension of the abuse.
That’s exactly what happened in this session.
Every tactic she used served a single purpose:
Control.
Control of Victor.
Control of the story.
Control of the outcome.
And when I didn’t play along?
I’d bet good money Goldie went to work discrediting me as:
- Biased
- “Against her”
- A woman-hater
- A stigmatizer of people with BPD
- “She hasn’t helped anyone. None of the men she’s worked with stayed married.”
I was likely devalued and discarded for the same reason most people eventually are:
I told the truth.
I named the dysfunction.
And I didn’t enable, well, any of it.
What can I say?
I’m just that special kind of asshole therapist.
The kind who doesn’t enable abuse just because someone’s “hurting” when they’re faced with consequences.
The kind who believes one partner’s “pain” doesn’t excuse harming the other.
Because the moment you stop reflecting the borderline or narcissist’s distorted un-reality?
You’re no longer the good therapist.
You’re no longer the good partner.
You’re no longer the good friend. Or the good sibling. Or the good anything.
You’re the enemy.
And enemies?
They don’t just get discarded.
They get destroyed.
Just ask anyone who’s ever been married to someone like Goldie.
Counseling, Consulting and Coaching with Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD
Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD helps individuals with relationship and codependency issues via telephone or Skype. Since 2009, she’s specialized in helping men and women break free of abusive relationships, cope with the stress of ongoing abuse and heal from the trauma. She combines practical advice, emotional support and goal-oriented outcomes. If you’d like to work with Dr. Palmatier, please visit the Schedule a Session page or you can email her directly at shrink4men@gmail.com.
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