Breaking Up with a Narcissistic Girlfriend is part two of a three part series. Part one is Breaking Up with a Borderline Girlfriend. Part three is Ending a Relationship with an Abusive Woman.
Women and men engage in intimate partner violence at approximately equal rates. Abuse is not a gender issue. It is a gender issue in that society is stubbornly lagging in its recognition and support for male victims. This is especially true for male and female victims of female perpetrators.
In fact, it’s one of the domestic violence industry’s dirty little secrets. Woman in same sex relationships have a higher incidence of intimate partner violence than heterosexual and male same sex couples. Domestic violence organizations don’t acknowledge this because it doesn’t support their all men are perpetrators/all women are victims narratives that get them funding.
Breaking up with a narcissistic girlfriend or wife:
Breaking up with a narcissistic girlfriend (or a borderline or histrionic) requires an understanding of the inherent pitfalls and dangers in ending an abusive relationship. In part one of this series, I summarize the likely toxic reactions of a NPD, BPD or HPD woman during divorce and break-ups. But that’s not enough. You also need to identify and deal with your issues, too. This involves a well-thought out strategy that includes a safety plan.
The basics are:
- Accept reality.
- Make an exit strategy.
- A commitment to self-preservation.
- Clear communication.
- Documentation.
- FOG-proofing
- Set the record straight.
- No Contact.
- Power wash your life.
- Reflect and respond if necessary. Never react.
- Embrace the grieving process.
- Self-care.
Accept reality.
Let go of any fantasies or wishful thinking regarding the possibility of change for the better you may be harboring. You can’t change or fix these individuals. Even if they claim to want help, all they really want is to be enabled. That is, to continue to do as they’ve always done without any consequences and complaints from you.
Don’t indulge in any delusions about maintaining a friendship, or a functional co-parenting relationship. It’s just not going to happen. You’ve seen behind the mask and for that, an abusive ex will want you to suffer.
She likely also feels a a lot of contempt for you because you allowed yourself to become her doormat, servant, scapegoat, punching bag, beast of burden and, well, her bitch. She’s used to bullying and bulldozing you and will expect to be able to continue to do so. Once you break it off and say, “No more,” an abusive ex will see you as her mortal enemy. That is, more than she did during the relationship. So, behave accordingly and protect yourself.
Make an exit strategy.
You can’t heal while in a relationship with a narcissist, borderline, histrionic, sociopath or other high-conflict person. You need the clarity of time and distance for that to happen. Don’t tell the abusive soon-to-be ex you’re leaving (or that she’ll be leaving) until you’re ready to execute your exit. Of course, if there are children and marital property involved, you’ll most likely need an attorney. Preferably one who has a good deal of experience with high-conflict cases.
Taking back your life from an abusive woman can be an extremely difficult and painful thing to do. You’re letting go of all the hopes and dreams you had at the beginning of the relationship. Keeping your plans secret until you’re ready to leave will hopefully spare you any number of potentially confusing and bad outcomes. For example:
- Hoovers.
- Suicide threats and other forms of emotional blackmail.
- False abuse allegations to the police or children’s protective services.
- Property damage.
- Preemptive smear campaigns (although, they’ve probably been trash talking you ever since the love bombing stage ended).
- And any other nasty tricks they can scam up.
Commitment to self-preservation.
Depending upon how much time you’ve spent with a BPD, HPD or NPD partner, she or he has probably gotten into your head to some degree. Their insults, invalidating commentary, projections and gaslighting have undoubtedly caused you to question your self-worth and ability to survive without them. This is bullshit, of course. Not only will you survive without your them, you will thrive.
Think about it. Who needs who? Does the human being with blood and a pulse need the vampire? Or does the vampire need the fresh blood supply? Does the host need the parasite? Or does the parasite need the host?
These individuals can’t survive without a mirror. That’s why they so frequently begin an affair before they end their present relationship. They don’t have the capacity to grieve, and by having your replacement in the wings before ending the relationship they bypass the grieving process and honestly looking at themselves and their behavior in any meaningful way.
Document the abuse with trusted friends and family and medical, mental health and legal professionals.
If you haven’t done so yet, talk to trusted friends and family members. Let them know what’s been happening. Please be certain you can trust any potential confidante. I can’t emphasize this strongly enough. If you’ve doubts about someone, don’t confide in them.
If you haven’t discussed the abuse you’ve been experiencing with your physician yet, do it. Document any physical violence and seek treatment for it from your doctor or from an Urgent-Care facility. Although, as a man, this may not be enough.
True therapy story:
After filing for divorce, a client’s ex showed up to take their child on a day that wasn’t hers. They didn’t have a custody order filed with the court, so it was unenforceable. Ex-wife got in her car with the child. Client walked to the window to ask about picking up the older child from school. Ex-wife gunned the accelerator and ran over my client. And then she called the cops to report a domestic violence incident.
The client called me while waiting for the police to show up. I stayed on speaker phone with him (I was recording for him), while the cop questioned him. My client was in shock and disoriented. The cop tried to get my client to admit that assault with a vehicle was just an accident. I chimed in and told the officer that there’s a history of violence by the ex-wife. The cop said, “Well, she says it was an accident.” But he did say my client could file a report if he wanted.
I let the cop know I was recording. Then I urged my client to go to the ER or Urgent-Care. The cop also encouraged him to do this. While, my client was getting x-rays for multiple fractures, his ex went down to the court and filed an ex parte restraining order. He contacted the cop a few days later to press charges and the attending officer refused to do so, claiming it was an accident. At least the ex parte orders were later dismissed and the judge was none too pleased according to my client. Nevertheless, WTAF?
Finding a therapist.
If you don’t have a therapist, now would be a good time to start counseling. However, be careful in your choice of therapist. It’s extremely important that you find a therapist with experience helping male victims of intimate partner abuse.
At the very least, find a therapist who doesn’t have an anti-male bias. This includes therapists who hold a binary view of abuse. Specifically, the aforementioned “men are perpetrators; women are victims.” This also includes therapists who make excuses for female abusers. To clarify, having a personality doesn’t make the abuse “okay.” Nor does a personality disorder diagnosis mean you’re a selfish jerk because you don’t want to live with the disordered person’s abuse anymore.
If shared children are involved, find an attorney and a therapist who specialize in these issues. They can explain the kind of documentation that will be helpful. For example, audio recordings of abuse that occur in front of the children, threats to file false police reports, parenting logs, etc. You’ll also need help making a sensible and safe as possible exit strategy. Never underestimate an abusive woman’s ability to lie convincingly and the extreme measures she’ll take to destroy you and preserve her fake public image or false self.
FOG-proofing (fear, obligation, guilt).
“But she can’t pay the bills on her own? What about her 26 rescue cats and 15 rescue horses? How will she take care of them if I’m not there to do it? But she can’t secure her own mortgage or lease due to her voluntary unemployment/under-employment, financial irresponsibility and subsequent poor credit score? How will she survive without me?”
It’s not your problem. Unless, of course, you share children with her.
None of her issues and bad choices will be your problems once the divorce is over. Her problems were never really your problems. You agreed to take them on — happily or reluctantly — and now here you are. Say it with me now, “Her irresponsibility is not my responsibility.”
Her pathology will no longer be yours to bear either. Shrug off the FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) of abuse. Be single-minded in carrying out your decision to free yourself. If you show weakness (e.g., feeling sorry for her or feeling guilty for kicking her out) she’ll sense it like a shark detecting chum in the water and exploit it.
Deliver appropriate consequences for boundary violations and any criminal acts Crazy perpetrates before, during and after the break-up. Don’t fear taking proportional and lawful self-protective measures due to pity or “not wanting the mother of [your] children” to have a record if she assaults you or destroys your property.
Adult abusers are basically overgrown schoolyard bullies. They don’t stop messing with their targets until they experience real punishment for doing so. Or, are made to stop by an authority greater than themselves like law enforcement.
Consequences aren’t mean. Natural and proportional consequences aren’t unfair. They’re deterrents to future unwanted behaviors and other boundary violations. What do you think would happen to you as a man if you did the same things to her that she’s done to you? [Insert police siren and jail doors closing sound effects here.]
Set the record straight with people who matter to you.
Narcissists, histrionics and borderlines love a good smear campaign. If you care about the opinion of any mutual friends or in-laws, you may want to consider setting the record straight with them immediately after you leave. Try to do this before the abusive woman realizes what’s happening. However, don’t be surprised if she’s already been smearing you to family, friends and acquaintances during the time you thought you were happily married.
Many clients are shocked by how far back their partners and exes bad mouthing, character assassination, exaggerations and role reversal lies go. In some cases, the smearing began while they were dating and during the engagement. It’s yet another retroactive betrayal. Like lying about being on birth control or that her career is the most important thing to her.
Abusive women (just like abusive men) lie, distort, blame shift and play victim. She’ll claim that you’re guilty of abuses and betrayals that she’s committed. Set the record straight with the people who matter. Many of them likely didn’t believe her anyway.
On the other hand, there will be people who do believe her. Let them go along with your ex. Typically, these people are the enablers, flying monkeys and negative advocates are are also drama-feeding professional victims.
Continue to part three, Ending a Relationship with an Abusive Woman.
Counseling, Consulting and Coaching with Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD
Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD helps individuals with relationship and codependency issues via telephone or Skype. For over a decade, she has specialized in helping men and women break free of abusive relationships, cope with the stress of ongoing abuse and heal from the trauma. She combines practical advice, emotional support and goal-oriented outcomes. If you’d like to work with Dr. Palmatier, please visit the Schedule a Session page or you can email her directly at [email protected].
Want to Say Goodbye to Crazy? Buy it HERE.