Can a man be emotionally abused by a woman?
Can a man be psychologically abused by a woman?
Can a man be physically abused by a woman?
Can a man be sexually abused or raped by a woman?
Can a man be financially abused by a woman?
The answer to these questions is a resounding YES. Women are every bit as capable of being abusive as men. Women, by virtue of their sex, aren’t inherently more noble, peaceful, wise, better able to express their emotions or [insert supposed exclusive female virtue here] than men. To claim otherwise is sexist.
That’s right. SEXIST.
Women Are Just as Physically Abusive as Men
High-conflict, abusive jerks seem to be fairly distributed between the sexes. In fact, women excel and surpass their male counterparts in psychological aggression (Muñoz-Rivas, et al., 2007). Women’s use of physical aggression is nearly equal to men (Parity, 2010). Aggression between partners is usually engaged in by both partners (Straus & Gelles, 1990; O’Leary & Slep, 2003) and physical aggression is often considered normal behavior within the couple (Avery-Leaf, Cascardi, O’Leary, & Cano, 1997; Foshee, Linder, MacDougall, & Bangdiwala, 2001; Hilton, Harris, & Rice, 2000).
Parity, a UK charity group, published the report (2010), Domestic Violence: The Male Perspective, which found that 40% of domestic violence victims in England and Wales are men (these findings were replicated in 5 other English-speaking countries including the US). One wonders if it’s not 50% due to under-reporting. Nevertheless, despite overwhelming empirical evidence, the fact that men are just as likely to be the targets of abuse as women is a controversial and disputed subject.
Data supporting the roughly equal rates of abuse perpetrated by women have been discredited by its critics. Criticism isn’t based upon the scientific principles used to gather the data, but on fear-based, unsubstantiated beliefs that all men are abusers from whom women and children must be protected (Farrell, 1999; Straus, 2006; Straus, 2007).
Women initiate and carry out physical assaults on their partners as often as men do. . . Despite the much lower probability of physical injury resulting from attacks by women, assaults by women are a serious social problem, just as it would be if men ‘only’ slapped their wives or ‘only’ slapped female fellow employees and produced no injury” (Straus, 1997, p. 210).
Why is this a social problem for men and women?
- Because women who initiate physical aggression against their male partners often end up on the receiving end of more injurious retaliation by their partners (Feld & Straus, 1989).
- It perpetuates the cultural norm that it’s okay for women to hit and emotionally abuse men.
- It models physical and psychological violence as acceptable for the children of these partners (Jaffe, Wolf & Wilson, 1990).
As of 2010, there are over 250 and counting worldwide academic studies that consistently show women, by their own admission, can be as aggressive as their male counterparts (Parity, 2010, Fiebert, 1997, 2004, 2009; Dutton, 2007). Severe physical abuse of women in marriage and dating has decreased significantly since the 1970s, but severe abuse of men in marriage and dating has held steady or increased (Straus, 1995; Hampton, et al., 1989; Mallory, et al., 2003). Furthermore, two studies found that women attributed their male partners’ physical aggression to self-defense (Follingstad, 1991; Sommer, 1994).
A 2000 meta-analysis found that women are slightly more likely to commit physical aggression while men are slightly more likely to injure their partner overall (Archer, 2000). Two-thirds to three-quarters of aggression in relationships is bi-directional (i.e., both partners are aggressors). However, in the minority of relationships with one-sided aggression, women are two times more likely to be the aggressor (Straus & Ramirez, 2007).
While physical abuse is awful and not to be condoned, it’s “not necessarily the most damaging type of abuse. One can hurt a partner deeply—even drive the person to suicide—without ever lifting a finger” (Straus, 1997, p. 210). Psychological aggression is often more damaging and long-lasting than physical violence (Vissing, Straus, Gelles & Harrop, 1991).
Women Are Often More Psychologically Aggressive Than Men
The term psychological aggression is often used interchangeably with verbal abuse, non-verbal abuse, psychological abuse and emotional abuse. Psychological aggression is defined as behavior by a partner such as depreciation or rejection that causes injury to the other partner. It’s comprised of “any of about 20 behaviors that are unambiguously intended to cause pain, confusion, shame or anxiety” (Kiggins).
Psychological aggression includes the following behaviors (Straus, Hamby, Boney-McCoy & Sugarman, 1996):
- Insulting or swearing at one’s partner
- Shouting at one’s partner
- Stomping out of the room
- Ignoring one’s partner
- Threatening to hit or throw something at one’s partner
- Destroying something that belongs to one’s partner
- Calling one’s partner fat or ugly
- Accusing one’s partner of being a lousy lover
To date, studies have shown that psychological aggression in dating couples is considered normal behavior and takes the form of hostile attitudes, dominating or intimidating the partner, degrading and restrictive control (Harned, 2001; Hird, 2000; Jackson et al., 2000; Murphy & Hoover, 2001). Psychological aggression is so widespread that intimate partners routinely and intentionally hurt each others’ feelings and women are substantially more likely than men to use psychological aggression (Muñoz-Rivas, et al., 2007).
Yet, despite all of this data, men who seek support for and shelter from abuse have very few options. They have virtually no programs, shelters nor advocacy groups. Men who call most domestic abuse hotlines seeking support or a safe place for themselves and their children are told, “Sorry, we only serve women” and are referred to a local homeless shelter.
What’s wrong with this picture?
Ultimately, this is an epic and appalling failure of the mental health field, including university training programs as well as mental health professional governing parties. Many mental health professionals are horribly biased and/or woefully and willfully ignorant about men who are targets of female perpetrated abuse in addition to being female biased or gynocentric.
These ignorant and biased therapists frequently blame their male clients for the abuse they’re experiencing (What did you do to her to make her treat you like that?), encourage them to stay in the relationship with their abusive wife or girlfriend and to be more understanding of her issues.
That’s not how things work at Shrink4Men.
If you’re a man who’s being emotionally, psychologically, sexually, physically or financially abused by a woman it is not okay. You’re not alone and there’s no shame in admitting the abuse. It’s your abusive wife or girlfriend who should feel ashamed and the same goes for anyone who encourages you to stay in your abusive relationship. Seek support and make a plan to get out as safely as possible.
You matter and you deserve better.
Want to Say Goodbye to Crazy? Buy it HERE.
Shrink4Men Coaching, Counseling and Consulting Services:
Dr Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD provides confidential, fee-for-service coaching, counseling and consulting to both men and women via telephone or Skype. Her practice combines practical advice, support, reality testing and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Shrink4Men Services page for professional inquiries.
Photo credit:
Image by RICCIO on flickr.
References:
- Archer, J. (2000). Sex differences in aggression between heterosexual partners: A meta-analytic review. Psychological Bulletin, Vol. 126, pp. 651-680.
- Avery-Leaf, S., Cascardi, M., O’Leary, K.D., & Cano, A. (1997). Efficacy of a dating violence prevention program on attitudes justifying aggression. Journal of Adolescent Health, 21(1), 11-17.
- Dutton, Donald G. (2007). Female intimate partner violence and developmental trajectories of abusive females. International Journal of Men’s Health, Spring 2007.
- Farrell, W. (1999). Women can’t hear what men don’t say. New York: Tarcher/Putnam.
- Feld, S. L. & Straus, M. A. (1990). Escalation and desistance of wife assault in marriage. Criminology, 27, 141-161.
- Fiebert, M. S., & Gonzalez, D. M. (1997). Women who initiate assaults: The reasons offered for such behavior. Psychological Reports, Vol. 80, pp. 583-590.
- Fiebert, Martin S. (1997, 2004, 2009). References examining assaults by women on their spouses or male partners: An annotated bibliography. First presented to the American Psychological Society Convention in Washington, D.C. May 24, 1997; expanded and later published in Sexuality and Culture, 1997, Vol 1, pp 273-286, and in Sexuality and Culture (2004), Vol. 8, (No. 3-4), pp. 140-177.
- Follingstad, D. R., Wright, S., & Sebastian, J. A. (1991). Sex differences in motivations and effects in dating violence. Family Relations, Vol. 40, pp. 51-57.
- Foshee, V.A., Linder, G.F., MacDougall, J.E., & Bangdiwala, S. (2001). Gender differences in the longitudinal predictors of adolescent dating violence. Preventive Medicine, 32(2), 128-41.
- Hampton, R. L., Gelles, R. J., & Harrop, J. W. (1989). Is violence in families increasing? A comparison of 1975 and 1985 National Survey rates. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 51, 969-980.
- Harned, M.S. (2001). Abused women or abused men? An examination of the context and outcomes of dating violence. Violence and Victims, 16(3), 269-285.
- Hilton, N.Z., Harris, G.T., & Rice, M.E. (2000). The functions of aggression by male teenagers. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 79(6), 988-94.
- Hird, M.J. (2000) An empirical study of adolescent dating aggression. The U.K. Journal of Adolescence, 23, 69-78.
- Jaffe, P. G., Wolfe, D. A., & Wilson, S. K. (1990). Children of battered women: Issues in child development and intervention planning. Newbury Park, CA: Sage.
- Mallory, K. A., McCloskey, K. A., Griggsby, N., & Gardner, D. (2003). Women’s use of violence within intimate relationships. Journal of Aggression, Maltreatment & Trauma, Vol. 6 No. 2, pp. 37-59.
- Maltz, Wendy. (1991, 2001). The Sexual Healing Journey: A Guide For Survivors of Sexual Abuse. Updated Edition. New York, Collins Living.
- Muñoz-Rivas, M. J., Graña Gómez, J. L., O’Leary, D. K., and González Lozano, P. (2007). Physical and psychological aggression in dating relationships in Spanish university students. Psicothema Vol. 19, No. 1, pp. 102-107.
- O’Leary, K. D., & Slep, A. M. (2003). A dyadic longitudinal model of adolescent dating aggression. Journal of Clinical Child and Adolescent Psychology, 32(3), 314-327.
- Sommer, R. (1994). Male and female partner abuse: Testing a diathesis-stress model. Unpublished doctoral dissertation, University of Manitoba, Winnipeg, Canada.
- Straus, M. A. (1995). Trends in cultural norms and rates of partner violence: An update to 1992. In S. M. Stich & M. A. Straus (Eds.) Understanding partner violence: Prevalence, causes, consequences, and solutions (pp. 30-33). Minneapolis, MN: National Council on Family Relations.
- Straus, M. A. Hamby, S. L., Boney-McCoy, S., & Sugarman, D. B. (1996). The Revised Conflict Tactics Scale. Journal of Family Issues, Vol. 17, No. 3, 283-316.
- Straus, M. A. (2006). Future research on gender symmetry in physical assaults on partners. Violence Against Women, Vol. 12, pp. 1086-1097
- Straus, M. A. (2007). Processes explaining the concealment and distortion of evidence on gender symmetry in partner violence. European Journal of Criminal Policy Research, Vol. 13, pp. 227-232.
- Straus, Murray A. & Ramirez, I. L. (2007). Gender symmetry in prevalence, severity and chronicity of physical aggression against dating partners by university students in Mexico and USA.” Aggressive Behavior, Aug 2007, pp. 281-290.
- Vissing, Y. M., Straus, M. A., Gelles, R. J. & Harop, J. W. (1991). Verbal aggression by parents and psychological problems of children. Child Abuse and Neglect, 15, 223-238.
So much good stuff here, and, unfortunately, so much that nobody wants to face up to, and believe. I get in to discussions about this stuff a lot, based on my experience, and I get treated to the same old story over and over again, no matter how many journal articles, stats, and studies I refer people to. It’s a damn shame, really. I don’t really know how to change this paradigm, other than to occasionally interject, and refer people to these things once they’ve been exposed to it in real life.
Thank you, too, for the link to Kameron’s article. I hadn’t read that one, and there’s a lot there that resonated for me; especially the bits about blind acceptance to these things just being the nature of the beast when it comes to dating. I’ve had a similar epiphany that it wasn’t me, and it doesn’t have to be that way.
Which brings me to… “Psychological aggression is so widespread that intimate partners routinely and intentionally hurt each others’ feeling”
This needs to stop. On every level. I will no longer tolerate it if/when I become involved with someone again. And while I’ve never consciously tried to turn a relationship into such a tit-for-tat zero-sum game, I am now more aware than ever of people’s tendencies to do just that. Love/relationships aren’t about who “wins,” nor are they about constantly trying to outdo the other person. If that’s the basis of the relationship, it isn’t a relationship. It’s time to get the hell out, move on, re-assess, and try again.
I have no patience for this crap. I’m older now.
If/when I get involved with someone again, I look forward to a true partnership of equals, with both loving and supporting the other. One thing that I’ve been pondering of late was the way my ex handled an illness of mine (kidney stones) while we were together. She took me to the ER after an hour of researching my symptoms online, stayed with me all night, and then accused me of lying to people when I told them I’d been in the hospital all night (she must have dissociated more than I did, and I was on dilaudid!). Additionally, I was at fault for making her go to the drug store to pick up my prescriptions without letting her put on make-up first. Then, a few months later, when I went in for shockwave treatments (to break up the kidney stones), she not only didn’t accompany me, but didn’t even call to see how I was doing afterwards (by this time she was living closer to school part-time, and part-time with me).
I bring this up, because I wouldn’t dream of treating a loved one that way if they were having medical issues. And I know, now, that I deserved, and deserve, better.
Any relationship based on zero-sum games no longer holds any allure for me. I’d never realized what was happening while I was in the thick of it.
All I can say now, is “never again.”
If I had wisdom to impart, it would be that “abuse does happen to men” and it can have devastating effects. Once you accept this, and know what to watch out for, it need not be a “natural” part of relationships for you, ever again.
As long as you don’t let it. 🙂
I agree whole heartedly with your article. I happen to know someone who endured years with an abusive woman in Ontario (Canada) and he unfortunately would just let her have her way with everything for years just to avoid confrontation and arguing. He suffered from abuse for years, both emotional and verbal abuse. She would tell him he’s stupid, and fat and made him feel like he was “lucky” to have her. Unfortunately, he found consolation in another relationship for years instead of ending his dysfunctional relationship with this crazy woman. Until this other woman told the crazy one the truth.
When she found out that he had been on and off again with someone else, she began to plot her revenge. She quit her job, embarrassed him in her entire town of Bolton, ON. Called Revenue Canada to get him audited. She would harrass his mother and family. She keyed his car and slashed his tires, only then to call the police to accuse him of domestic abuse (on purpose so that she could have sole posession of her home). She would tell people she “had no food” because he wasn’t paying enough, and even after being separated expected him to pay for all the bills. She also enlisted all her friends in her hometown to talk bad about him and they even went as far perjuring themselves on court documents (shameful).
All I have to say is this: When an ex-wife or girlfriend behaves irrational and crazy after a break-up (that’s just reassurance to you men) that they weren’t worth marrying or hooking up with in the first place.
Sadly, for ex-wives who behave this way – I say – SHAME ON YOU!! You should put your feelings of resent aside and put your children’s feelings first. They still need their father – and just because their father doesn’t love you, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love them!
MM
The sad part, i
Dt. T,
This blog seems different from most of your others. Who’s the target audience for this article? Who are you trying to convince or rebut? For those of us who’ve experienced an abusive relationship and who came to your site and the forums looking for answers, I doubt you’d find any dissenting opinions. You won’t get any from me. Its been an immense help in my understanding.
This one seems like you’re laying groundwork for something.
I don’t know what Dr. T will say as to whom this post is aimed. I can say that a friend of mine, who has described being on the receiving end of many of these kinds of things, does not see himself as in an abusive relationship. The word “abuse” seems to make him quite uncomfortable. At most, he will say his wife is “difficult”, “prickly”, or that she has a lot of need to control, or that she’s just stressed or trying to get her needs met.
I think it may be very difficult for many men to think of themselves as abused or in an abusive relationship because much of the abuse is emotional and psychological, or they may feel ashamed of being afraid of being hit by their wives, may feel ashamed of actually being hit, of allowing that to happen. If it never gets talked about, then the problem can’t ever get out in the open enough to be talked about. I’m not sure myself how one manages to get through to those men in such relationships that what they are experiencing is abuse and that it is not shameful to admit that they are being threatened or that they feel scared of being hit by a spouse.
I think many people grow up with the idea “sticks and stones may break your bones but words can never hurt you” so that also adds a layer to the denial problem, that you have to be strong enough emotionally that you don’t let words hurt you. I think we live in a culture that expects men to tolerate those kinds of verbal hurts, that they aren’t supposed to admit to being hurt by them.
So maybe this article is for those men who’ve felt hurt enough, without being able to call it abuse, that they go searching with a few terms on the internet, maybe feeling the shame of being hurt and feeling the shame of thinking they are the only one, and then they come across this article.
I hear women tell me often that it’s women who primarily the ones who get abused, that 90% of abuse is men harming women. I think it’s important to begin to try and set that record straight.
Thanks for this article, Dr. T.
I agree that many men don’t see the relationship as abusive. I didn’t. It was a Licensed Clinical Social Worker that told me the relationship was abusive. It surprised me. As you mentioned, I thought the relationship was “difficult.”
My point was compared to other articles that seemed to be targeted to people in abusive relationships and address dealing with specific facets (e.g., closure, will she be better with the next guy, etc.), things like the citation of references wouldn’t appear to be for our benefit. If I’m looking to validate my experiences in an abusive relationship, I don’t think I’d need read a number of studies to convince me.
Maybe it’s as simple as trying to head off whet’s likely to be some heavy flak, It wouldn’t be the first time Dr. T ruffled feathers.
Hi Mellaril,
No agenda here. I realize it’s more of an introductory article, but that’s because men and women arrive here at different levels of awareness and acceptance. Also, some men (and women) really have a hard time wrapping their minds around the fact that men can be the targets of partner abuse and make up 50% of partner abuse targets.
Nothing more to it than that.
Best, Dr T
This is the saddest thing! I have to tell you that I’ve known several men in this situation and it is frustrating to simply be their friend! One of my friends is even a police officer! He told me that he has sat through much formal training on domestic violence and there are always snide remarks about weak men who are abused by their wives. So… if that happens, where can an abused man turn?
Someone also mentioned the court system… how nearly all divorces favor the woman receiving custody of the children. I also think that is unfair and that 50/50 custody should be the baseline in every case. Why should a man have to go into major battle just to equally share custody of his children? Also… if this was the case… wouldn’t they be more likely to get out? What is the percentage of men who stay married because they know they won’t get their kids and also know they need to protect them from their wifes abuse? I imagine it’s pretty high!
Anyway… this is a great site. I’ve been reading it for two days — trying to find advice on how to help a friend get out of his abusive marriage. He’s been with her for 22 years and was sooooo close to getting out… when she saw he was going to leave and was happy about the prospect… she told him she loved him and wanted to try to work things out — pulling him right back in … again.
Galloping,
I agree with you 100% on the custody issues. Fighting to get 50/50 custody is hard enough for men in the court system let alone trying to fight for 100% custody when you see just how toxic a mother can be. Add into it a family history of abusers on her side and you have a toxic superfund site that the child may need to live in. The courts fail to see the common trait of all abusers, if their primary abuse target leaves they will find someone else. Will the child fill that void? That is a real concern that I’m sure paralyzes many men in this situation into staying with the abuser. If they are there they can at least protect their child against the abuse.
Another problem is that some states, I know mine is one of them, does not consider verbal abuse, abuse by law therefore the victim weather it be man or women in this case has no, get of of jail free card, so to speak as they would if it were physical abuse. While the court can take these facts into consideration there is no legal reason they must.
GA: I can related to your story with tearful similarity, almost to a ‘T’ – he had been contemplating leaving her for 10 years…finally got to the point of telling her that he wanted to leave, and there was nothing she could do to change it…she pulled full-force “I realize what I’ve done – I’ll change” – full force sex (for which she’d had no interest in decades), cooking (went without doing for YEARS), tears, counseling, manipulation (“Remember the promises we made to each other!” with seemingly no conscious memory of the numerous promises she made and broke!!), relationship self-help books and DVDs…and now constantly checking him / being ‘on top’ of him 24/7 to make sure he’s being a ‘good boy.’ (keeping the puppy on his leash)
I’ve given him tons of information (twice), a third was essentially an intervention (i.e. “You told me she___(abusive item on abuse website checklists),” “You said ____ (negative, self-abusing comment)” about yourself)…and he STILL will not accept it as abusive…it’s like he just can’t see the hurricane b/c he’s in the eye of the storm?…and I keep thinking if only he could get away from her (without his constantly ringing / texting phone) for a few days, and think for himself…
I’m left to pray, wonder, cry, and let go. I listen and try to say nothing.
Regardless of my personal experiences with abuse and subsequent recovery, all the recent reading I’ve done…I have to accept that I don’t have “the Answer” for him…he has it inside himself, and maybe, with a little Empathic Listening (mirroring someone’s words in your own way / “It seems that you feel ___________ about_____________”), maybe, just maybe, I can help him discover that on his own, when he comes to me about it, again.
Just when I think I need to just give up and move on, there’s more…maybe I’m the one who keeps getting “sucked in”??? I care about the guy; he reminds me so much of myself 5 years ago…and then I have to remember it has taken me that long to get to where I am.
Good luck and God bless your efforts – hopefully, someday he’ll wake up and begin his recovery. I don’t have any advice, though, on how to help him get there…as all my efforts seem to have failed (at least for now).
I think the key is to get out asap, when this type of behavior is demonstrated. It often appears, to one degree or another, in the courtship phase, but men ignore it or minimize what it portends.
I can tell you that many folks think you are exaggerating when you try to describe the emotional abuse deal. I don’t go into it unless I sense I am talking to someone who might get it.
That type of abuse takes a toll on you and leaves you wondering if you caused it or were the abusive one, yourself. It also makes it difficult to want to get involved with a woman , again.
Men must LEAVE at the first push or shove or grabbing and twisting of ones chin. If you don’t, it will happen again…and again. Eventually, you WILL do it back, and for some reason, in this society, all her former physical abuse is erased, and YOU become the wife beater. If your lucky, law enforcement won’t be called. You’ll be left with undeserved guilt and shame. I have learned to walk and never look back when anything close to aggression is presented to me. Period!
Here’s the deal, I was in a 5+ year relationship with a woman from hell and didn’t have a clue, always defending myself of her accusations that were without evidence or merit. She was always starting fights, my abuse of her was to fight back, all in the name of defending myself. Not any more, they want to fight and be miserable, they can do it alone or with some other sucker. Now I am wise.
In the end, she went off with another guy. She groomed me for about 3 months and that is her MO, she groomed the next guy for about 6 months. Always moving along, always looking for better, the grass is always greener. And this particular woman devastated me emotionally. I got over it in about 3 years. Still have some PTSD here and there. Fears too. Oh well.
Women can most certainly abuse a man emotionally, for whatever they call their reasons. Most I doubt would call what they do abuse. Too bad, when life can be so good almost all the time with a woman. That’s why we were put here together. So as for the religions, the politics, the this and that. I choose life and love, and you know it don’t come easy. It is so worth it.
She was never physically abusive, but the emotional abuse was horrendous. I finally realized that if I didn’t leave, I was going to end up stepping off a bridge or in front of a train.
I’m 8 months out from leaving my Narcissist, and I honestly thought I’d turned a corner, but this past week, it’s like I’m right back in it again. A completely unrelated incident triggered memories of the abuse, and I’ve experienced flashbacks and last night, nightmares about being with her again. I’ve never had that happen before. And the worst thing is, I also realize that I’m still truly, deeply in love with the woman I married – but not the woman I left.
I guess it’s going to take a lot longer to recover from this than I had expected.
Never Again
I feel the same way…I’m divorced…everywhere but in my head…….
I can completely relate to this. I split up from a 5 year relationship with my ex borderline fiancée a month ago. I realise that probably is a very short period in the recovery process but I can already recognise it’s going to be a rocky recovery. I thought I was getting somewhere and beginning to feel a sense of relief but have sunk back down again.
I think the remaining sense of still being in love is clearly strongly linked to Stockholm Syndrome. But even being now well read on these matters, I have so far found little in the way of ‘comfort’ from the emotional battering I’m trying to now process.
Hi everyone. Not been on for a while but do “pop by” just to try and lend help to anyone that wants it. I was physically abused by a woman for a number of years. Her outbursts usually involved breaking something or throwing something but over time got worse and worse to the point of physically attacking me. I had to restrain her on a number of occasions and the feelings of panic and fear are still present in my gut to this day.
Anyway my point is that I became so used to her outbursts that I thought it was not important and I even tried to ignore the physical attacks and put them down as just arguements. It is amazing how brain washed you become, how you lose your self worth and actually start to believe they are justified in attacking you, often the violent outbursts were over trivial things such as spending too much time playing a computer game etc etc.
The sad thing is it just gets worse and if they are throwing things now…give it time and they will be throwing punches soon enough.
I was very, very lucky in that I got out and got her out of my house relatively easy, actually in one of her rages she packed a case and left and being as the house and everything was mine I simply changed the locks and informed her she no longer lived there. The point is that you must get out of an abusive relationship, YES MEN DO GET ABUSED, I am well over six feet tall and 240 pounds and used to box and I was abused!!! Just what are you supposed to do, I know I felt like jabbing her one right in the kisser but where would that have got me? Yes to the local cops because then she would have me right where she wanted me.
I know it will be harder for some of you guys to get out but it is only once you are out that you look at the whole picture and wonder…How the hell did I put up with that? Believe me I have my life back, my sanity back and my friends back. DO IT! YOU KNOW YOU CAN…
Hi Stefano,
Glad to see you on the new site. Very glad that you got out and are doing well. Excellent advice, btw.
Dr T
I am really amazed at what a bright, articulate bunch of nice guys we have on here that have been through this type of hell. How the hell did these women find us?
Ron 7127,
It has been said that these predators can spot a gazelle with a limp at 300 yds.
In other words, if your a nice guy, or you are hurting….they will find you.
The lioness is the hunter – apt analogy.
Hi Dr T and ron7127. I guess the reason this all happened to us is percisely in your text…”nice guys.” You see from reading and studying the text on here and the previous site it is obvious we are a real nice bunch of guys. None of us are gangsters or wife beaters or criminals, just ordinary hard working guys that try and get by. And that is the point they latch onto guys like us purely for that reason, if they took up with one of the many lunatics out there then they would no doubt be visiting casualty dept at hospital very quickly.
We all know guys that are very quick to anger and can you imagine what would happen to a BPD if she tried her rubbish with one of those? No, no no they have a sixth sense at spotting sensitive, quiet guys and reel us in with sugar and spice at first and then it starts gradually…I call it the “getting her feet under the table stage” once she is comfortable her inner spoilt child takes over and that is when you sit thinking what, how, where did this come from!
You can be a doctor, a judge, a chief of Police or even a garbage man, it doesn’t matter what your IQ is or how intelligent you are. The point is you are dealing with a psychological predator a person that is just a tad short of the horror women you see in the movies and in my case equal with them! My secret nick name for her was Kathy Bates from the movie Misery, both her personality and the title of the film seamed to fit my life.
Abuse comes in many forms and as men we are very good at ignoring it or passing it off as “oh the missus is on one today.” You have a choice of live with it or get out. Not everyone will get out and end up like some of the guys on here, enduring years of a loveless life with a tyrant for a partner. So which are you? I know which road I went down and it’s a whole lot sunnier down here than where I was.
All the Best guys and stay strong.
Yes, I have really noticed how many nice guys are with women like this. Of course, the women will tell you that the guy is not nice behind closed doors.
I remember my XW telling me how she knew the “real me” and that all the people that thought highly of me had been fooled. I have no doubt I have been smeared to her friends.
Fortunately, my Xw’s family stood by me and kept inviting me to dinner and breakfast. I kept playing golf with her dad, uncles and brothers.
Soon, her support group, including her affair partner, became puzzled. If I was so horrible, why had these foks and my kids stood by me?
I remeber going to her brother, a friend, when I was investigating the infidelity. I had a narrative of what I had uncovered and let hime read it. I said “Dan, I am 95% sure she is cheating.”
He responded “Ron, why don’t you crank that up about 5%.”
When I told her parents about what was going on, they had no doubt their daughter was cheating. I was told by her dad that she is a “habitual liar”. Her mom added that she has no conscience and that I was much better off away from her.
This helped me with any doubts I had.
Ron, I am getting the same thing right now as I go through my divorce. She would often tell me if your friends and colleagues could see you like I do. She has put in the court documents that I was different at home, in essence trying to maintain a false image in front of the world. Sounds like a little projection to me. Further, of course I treated her different . . . nobody else on the planet could drive me into the rage that she could.
It’s a good article. That must have taken some time to put together.
About the violence: I don’t know but maybe the women with these certain personality disorders mostly attack men who are nice and not aggressive personalities.
I consider myself a nice person and not aggressive. I’ve never been a fighter, not at school, nowhere. Then I moved in to live with a woman and I was all of a sudden expected to fight. It’s just not going to work, not with my personality. I will get miserable in such a situation, as I have.
Years ago I tried to understand why she does it. Why is she being so mean and aggressive towards me. Perhaps I explained it away subconsciously that I am at fault somehow. In the past couple of years I have understood it was not at all my fault that she was being so aggressive. She had personal issues, like stress from work, she was unable to handle that stress other than take it all out on me.
Now I think I have understood very well what happened. Of course she is having none of it. She refuses to discuss the idea that she may have some problems of her own. Nowadays I don’t try to start such a discussion because I know she is going to yell at me and be abusive. So I think I can’t sort it out with her by talking to her, she is not responding like an adult, it’s a mean and hysterical 5-year-old responding in a body that looks like an adult.
Any ways. I think if she would have an aggressive man, she would either 1) not have done what she has done mostly at all or 2) gotten beaten up very badly. I consider her lucky that I am a peaceful man and not an aggressive one. So yes I think these people target people who have a nice personality, a ‘mellow’ personality if you like, one which doesn’t do extreme reactions one way or the other and which tends to take things calm most of the time. These NPD people who start abusing others have it easy with us kind people – because we will not put up a big fight, or if we will, we lack the skills or will to do real damage (I mean both mental and physical).
Nowadays I actually feel sorry for her as I think she is trapped in her NPD and she can’t see it. So she will live with it for the rest of the life and every time someone comes close she will ruin it. That’s what I believe, if she ends up with another man she will ruin it. Because if she thinks she has no problem now, then she will carry it with her everywhere.
By the way I have seen such abusive behaviour from a teacher at a school. I mean not physical violence but mental.
A teacher was playing with me by trying to make me think that I have failed horribly with a report I turned in. He made me play a game of guess what the grade for the report is. He got me believing it was rubbish. But then it was very good. Now that I think of that situation I think that man has some psychological problems. He could have handed the report with the grade on it to me but he didn’t and let me guess many times what the grade is and he talked about the report like it was rubbish. I was among the best in that class and he was trying to humiliate me by trying to get me to believe that I have done a worthless job with the report.
This same teacher, at another date, insulted my physical appearance in class in front of others. I didn’t say anything – I felt disappointed at his behaviour but I didn’t feel particularly insulted in fact. I could have gone to his boss to complain but I didn’t. I saw from the behaviour of the teacher after that that he knew I knew I could go and get him in trouble with his superiors. So he was being a bit careful with me after that incident.
This same teacher had abused other students as well – some of them actually went and complained to his boss. This was before he insulted me. I had a good standing there and I was holding a responsible position in the group and I knew I could get him in much more trouble than in what he was already. I didn’t do anything because I just wanted to get out. So I waited until the end of the classes that we had with him and that was the end of it. This teacher even tried to get me to join an organisation he was a member of, and there was no way I would join. He could not understand why not. He was basically asking me to work with him and I knew there was no chance in hell I would do that because I knew his personality well-enough. So I just wanted to get rid of him ASAP but as I had not said any bad words to him, not even when he insulted me personally, he maybe thought that I would want to work with him.
You know what, with this teacher I just waited until the school ended. Then I didn’t have to deal with him any more. With my gf this has been much more difficult. They share some personality traits but one was easy to ignore and the other one not.
If only leaving an abusive wife/gf would be as easy as waiting for the semester to end.
Frustrated, it is fairly common that these women provoke you inot being angry. And, that is not just some rationalization. It’s not like you fly off the handle at little things. Thye seem to keep poking and antagonizing until you fight back.
You need to really look at the provocation. It is extreme.
Thanks Ron. It is amazing to me that she will never accept responsibility for anything. I know that I shouldn’t have lost it the way I did on several occasions and I know I shouldn’t have taken the bait. But it does take two to tango. When her idea of a discussion is her way or the highway, it’s hardly an effective tool to mitigate my frustation, yet I’m to blame for everything. Go figure. I guess this shoudl come as no surprise to most of us.
Hi frustrated403. It is very difficult to remain calm when someone is attacking you whether that be mentally or physically. I certainly have no regrets over defending myself and yes sometimes that did include getting physical and restraining her. I have a human right to defend myself verbally and physically if I am threatened or indeed attacked. In my case she was a real brute of a woman and behind that soft smiling exterior was an aggressive time bomb just waiting to go off! Her drinking didn’t help and after a few glasses of wine her whole personality would change and she would become extremly arguementative and irrational.
The confusing thing at the time was she would be great one minute and really quite loving and attentive but then usually after alcohol she would start at me and it would escalate and go right to the point of throwing things, slamming doors or even trying to hit me. One particular time she launched a solid oak table across the room and into the wall causing damage and narrowly missing a plate glass door. It was frightening the change that could happen with her. I can still feel the anguish, fear and sickness when she used to kick off. I was panicked both for myself and for my home because I didn’t want damage to my little house that I have worked so hard to get.
The warning signs are there pretty early on in a relationship but as dumb guys we just carry on, yeh it could be the sex, yeh it could be the good times but the point is we ignore them! We make sad little excuses that she has had it hard, or she is working to hard and tired…but it will not get better. Take it from me it only gets worse and worse and when you find yourself spending your Sunday plastering a wall after a table is hurled into it…well my friends we told you so!
Step back now, look hard, is this happening to you? Yes? Get out, stay out and breathe the free air.
My NPD constantly accused me of being angry, and I probably was. I mean, for over 3 years we had an amazing sex life, then suddenly it dries up completely, without explanation, overnight. And any attempt I make to revitalize it is met with grinding teeth and rejection. But, of course, I was expected to hold up my end of the bargain, catering to her wants endlessly, while she refused to even consider my needs. The thing was, I liked doing things for her, I liked being with her. I just wanted to be treated as her proud husband, not her loyal servant. Same duties, big difference in her treatment of me.
Any time I tried to bring the subject up for discussion, I was immediately met with “Stop yelling”. So then the discussion would veer off into whether I was yelling or not (I wasn’t), and the primary issue, her rejection of me, would remain unaddressed.
She insisted I needed anger management therapy, despite visits to a counsellor, my family doctor, a psycho-therapist and a psychiatrist, who all told me that I didn’t have an anger management problem, I had a marital problem. But she refused to participate in joint marital counselling. It was all part of the psychological and emotional roller coaster she kept me on, in order to keep me off-balance, vulnerable and under control.
I left her after 3.5 years of this bs, and she was dating again within 4 months. In her dating profile, she put that she wanted a man who was nice because he was nice, not because he wanted something, which is what she accused me of. She was so wrong, and I think she’ll find that out some day. My biggest fear for her is that she will pull her crap on the wrong guy, and he will beat her to within an inch of her life, or worse.
My BPD/NPD ex-wife would push me and throw things at me. She would even scream at me “I know you want to hit me,” and one time she picked up my hand and began hitting herself with it. Did I want to hit her? You bet I did. Did I? Of course not. I know that if anything went down and law enforcement got involved I’d be on the losing end.
Interesting post. As I have said before I am not in such a relationship now & have a wonderful wife. But the ex GF would use this type of verbal aggression many times. Say horrible things etc. Her excuse was always “well I was mad when I said that”. My final response was that is EXACTLY the point. When you get mad you loose total control & say horrible things. You are mean & abusive & I can’t be with somebody like that. As I was dodging object being thrown at me on my way out the door..lol I wished her all the best. Surprise, surprise she didn’t take that to well.
have a co-worker who jokes about making life miserable for her fiance if things don’t go a certain way, e.g. withholding sex, making him sleep on the couch. I want to ask her, do you think he’d have the right to do those things to you? No? Then why is it OK for you to do them to him?
Perhaps these behaviors don’t go so far as to constitute abuse but they do point to a worrying tendency of minimizing and justifying women being unkind to their significant others. That is just wrong. And it sets the stage for actual abuse.
Both sexes are guilty of justifying or minimizing these behaviors. Women do so because they may be in the habit of employing these tactics themselves, which society has always said is OK. Even if they don’t use them, they may feel they are no big deal and/or to call other women on their behavior would be to go against the sisterhood.
Men, I think justify and minimize these behaviors for three basic reasons, though they can overlap, especially the first two. One is that they have been taught to protect women and see only the good in them. A second is that to call women out on their unkindness would constitute complaining, which is unmanly. Third is that they don’t want to admit that a woman has the power to hurt them, emotionally or physically. Touching on a different article, I think that’s part of Doctor Phil’s deal.
I think John Stuart Mill makes a good point when he said, in paraphrase, “Women are either inferior to men and should be held to a lower standard, or they are superior and should be held to a higher standard, or they are equal with men and should be held to an equal standard but it is unjust to call her inferior and hold her to a higher standard.” I believe it is just as unjust to hold us to a lower standard while calling us superior. And both are rooted in the same attitudes and both do not allow for the idea that women are autonomous beings who are responsible for our actions.
I remember coming home from work one day. I was walking and had gotten caught in the rain. I arrived home cold, wet and wanting affection, to say nothing of the fact that it had been a pig of a day. My boyfriend was at the computer. I came in, started to call out something and his response was “just give me about 10 minutes.”
I believe I said something about that being a “nice greeting.” He had headphones on and perhaps did not hear me. I was angry and almost went over to give him a piece of my mind. But I thought better of it and went to take a hot shower. As my body warmed, my temper cooled and I remembered he’d warned me that he was going to be working on a reasonably involved writing project. I reasoned that I’d just happened to catch him at a really crucial moment and while I still found the brush-off upsetting, I was able to understand it.
About ten minutes later, I had finished my shower and put on my nice, warm robe. I resolved to calmly tell my boyfriend how his “greeting” had made me feel. After all, it wouldn’t do to just let that fester.
I opened the bathroom door to find him standing there, such a picture of contrition that I was almost a little ashamed. He said that he was sorry for greeting me in that manner and explained what he had been doing. I told him honestly how I felt but that I also understood his goals for being a writer and that’s important to him.
To be honest, I hadn’t thought about the incident all that much but he’d brought it up a day or two ago and said that he still couldn’t quite believe how I’d handled the issue; i.e. that I had been respectful and honest about how I felt, I accepted his apology and said no more about it. This is NOT how his ex would have handled it. It broke my heart a little that he should consider this to be amazing behavior.
Also, How insultingly low has the cultural bar been set for us women that simply not losing our tempers or stewing endlessly over tiny slights is considered over-the-top wonderful?
Sigh…
Keep up the great work, Doctor T. I hope this wasn’t too rambling. These were just some thoughts I’d been having on the subject and since this is kind of an overview it seemed an OK place to air them.
Yes, men can be abused by women as much as women can be abused by men.