• About WordPress
    • WordPress.org
    • Documentation
    • Learn WordPress
    • Support
    • Feedback
  • Log In

Shrink4Men

Helping men in abusive relationships since 2009.

  • Home
  • Articles
  • Schedule a Session
  • Forum
  • About Dr. Tara Palmatier
    • Terms
  • Index
  • Videos

September 17, 2019

That’s Not Normal: Being a “Hero” vs. Being an Enabler [Meme]

Anyone who wants to be treated like royalty has issues. They have the same maturity as the little girls who throw a tantrum because they want the Elsa dress at the Disney store. They don’t want a man, they want a servant who keeps them on a pedestal.

If you’re looking for a woman to treat like a princess, you have issues. Do you want an emotionally mature partner who can competently manage her life, or a petulant child who can’t manage anything so you can feel like a hero, stronger, healthier, saner, etc., than her? Until that gets old, of course. And it usually gets real old, real fast.

Being a “hero” vs. being an enabler.

Narcissists and other forms of Crazy, regardless of gender, want willing enablers. Or, what some men call being a “hero.” Being an enabler is not heroic. It’s a shit job with diminishing benefits. Cleaning up a woman’s financial irresponsibility, dramas, refusal to manage daily life chores, etc., aren’t acts of “heroism.” That’s being someone’s life janitor/personal assistant. Is it heroic to be a doormat?

Furthermore, the world is full of willing, codependent doormats. You are easily replaceable, not special in this respect.

If you need to feel like a hero, it’s important to identify what psychological need you’re trying to fill. Were you your dysfunctional, mentally ill or alcoholic mother’s “hero?” Are you insecure and need an immature and chaotic partner in order to feel strong and better about yourself?

Healthier women don’t want men who are doormats or need them to be weak and incompetent, so you can feel strong. An emotionally mature, competent woman wants a partner who is equally mature and competent. That’s not to say healthier women don’t want/need the support of a partner, but it’s a mutual two-way street.

Ideally, healthy partners become each other’s heroes and have each other’s backs. For example, if you’re  stuck in a work meeting, your partner happily picks up your brother at the airport. Or, if your partner sucks at parallel parking (like me), that becomes your act of heroism.

To be clear, repeatedly rescuing someone from their self-inflicted self-destructive behaviors isn’t heroic. It’s enabling and, ultimately, a suicide mission.

Participate in Facebook discussion here.


Counseling, Consulting and Coaching with Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD

Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD helps individuals work through their relationship and codependency issues via telephone or Skype. She specializes in helping men and women trying to break free of an abusive relationship, cope with the stress of an abusive relationship or heal from an abusive relationship. She combines practical advice, emotional support and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Schedule a Session page for professional inquiries or send an email to shrink4men@gmail.com.

Want to Say Goodbye to Crazy? Buy it HERE.




 

Filed Under: Meme

© Dr Tara Palmatier and Shrink4Men, 2024 to infinity and beyond. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this website’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Dr Tara Palmatier and Shrink4Men with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. · Log in

Your Privacy Matters

This website uses cookies to enhance user experience, analyze traffic, and enable essential features. Your consent allows us to process data like browsing behavior or unique identifiers. Without consent, some functions may be limited or unavailable.

Functional Always active
The technical storage or access is strictly necessary for the legitimate purpose of enabling the use of a specific service explicitly requested by the subscriber or user, or for the sole purpose of carrying out the transmission of a communication over an electronic communications network.
Preferences
The technical storage or access is necessary for the legitimate purpose of storing preferences that are not requested by the subscriber or user.
Statistics
The technical storage or access that is used exclusively for statistical purposes. The technical storage or access that is used exclusively for anonymous statistical purposes. Without a subpoena, voluntary compliance on the part of your Internet Service Provider, or additional records from a third party, information stored or retrieved for this purpose alone cannot usually be used to identify you.
Marketing
The technical storage or access is required to create user profiles to send advertising, or to track the user on a website or across several websites for similar marketing purposes.
Manage options Manage services Manage {vendor_count} vendors Read more about these purposes
View preferences
{title} {title} {title}
Your Privacy Matters
To provide the best experiences, we use technologies like cookies to store and/or access device information. Consenting to these technologies will allow us to process data such as browsing behavior or unique IDs on this site. Not consenting or withdrawing consent, may adversely affect certain features and functions.
Functional Always active
The technical storage or access is strictly necessary for the legitimate purpose of enabling the use of a specific service explicitly requested by the subscriber or user, or for the sole purpose of carrying out the transmission of a communication over an electronic communications network.
Preferences
The technical storage or access is necessary for the legitimate purpose of storing preferences that are not requested by the subscriber or user.
Statistics
The technical storage or access that is used exclusively for statistical purposes. The technical storage or access that is used exclusively for anonymous statistical purposes. Without a subpoena, voluntary compliance on the part of your Internet Service Provider, or additional records from a third party, information stored or retrieved for this purpose alone cannot usually be used to identify you.
Marketing
The technical storage or access is required to create user profiles to send advertising, or to track the user on a website or across several websites for similar marketing purposes.
Manage options Manage services Manage {vendor_count} vendors Read more about these purposes
View preferences
{title} {title} {title}