But when one partner has borderline personality disorder, narcissistic personality disorder or severe BPD / NPD traits, couples therapy is often weaponized instead.
Rather than fostering insight or mutual understanding, therapy becomes a stage for narrative control, therapist manipulation, and emotional coercion—leaving the non-BPD partner more confused, silenced, and destabilized than before.
This article examines eight common manipulation tactics borderline and narcissistic partners use in couples therapy, based on real clinical experience—not theory, not pop psychology, and not influencer-style 2-minute Tik Tok MLM grifting.
It’s also a follow-up to BPD Ambush: When a Borderline Partner Weaponizes Your Individual Therapy, which details what happened when “Goldie,” recently diagnosed with BPD, crashed her husband Victor’s individual therapy session
As a reminder, in the year Victor and Goldie were married she’d already:
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called 911 with false abuse allegations—multiple times,
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had Victor arrested and dragged through court—multiple times,
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created public scenes accusing him of abuse—multiple times,
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and jumped out of his moving vehicle—multiple times.
What unfolded during that 53-minute session was both frustrating and diagnostic.
In less than an hour, Goldie demonstrated several BPD manipulation tactics including: boundary violations, narrative hijacking, performative insight, magical thinking, and attempts to triangulate the therapist (me) against her partner.
If you’ve ever tried couples therapy with a borderline or other high-conflict partner and walked away feeling more gaslit, scapegoated, or demoralized than before you’re not imagining things.
In the following sections, I’ll break down eight tactics used to:
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derail therapy,
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silence the healthier partner,
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Let’s dive in.
1. First Therapy Boundary Violation
Standard therapy protocol requires informed consent for joint sessions.
In plain English? Both parties must sign the counseling contract—before they show up together.
in advance. Not only is it poor form, it’s also just rude.
Victor and Goldie ignored that entirely.
No heads-up, no paperwork, and no courtesy.
Like I said, rude.
therapy equivalent of a photobomb, forcing herself into what was scheduled as Victor’s individual
Could I have asked her to leave?
Yes.
Did I?
No.
Instead, I proceeded with my guard up and my BPD-dar at DEFCON 2.
Now, some readers might wonder:
“Maybe they just didn’t know how therapy works?”
[BUZZER SOUND]
Wrong answer.
graduate degree in mental health
her
That assumption isn’t ignorance.
It’s entitlement—a hallmark feature of borderline and narcissistic pathology.
control the process
That’s not therapy.
That’s preemptive narrative control.
And once therapy becomes a stage for winning, defending, or prosecuting, rather than insight and accountability, the outcome’s already compromised.
2. Second Therapy Boundary Violation
I state very clearly on the Shrink4Men About page that I do not work with personality-disordered individuals.
There’s no ambiguity.
It’s not open to interpretation.
It’s black and white—kind of like BPD thinking.
And yet, Goldie ignored that boundary and ambushed me under the pretense of an individual session for Victor.
Bottom line:
Goldie (and Victor, whether wittingly or unwittingly) initiated a therapeutic relationship through deception and manipulation.
Actually, I’ll give Victor the benefit of the doubt.
My guess? He was presented with two options:
Let Goldie join… or no session at all.
So why did Goldie roll the boundary dice?
There are three possible scenarios. She likely assumed:
- I wouldn’t enforce my boundary and could be manipulated into supporting her “miracle cure” narrative.
- I wouldn’t enforce it, but wouldn’t be manipulated into supporting her. At which time, she could say, “See! She’s biased against BPDs! We can’t work with her!“
- I’d enforce the boundary and remove myself as a potential therapeutic ally for Victor.
No matter the angle, the outcome is the same:
Goldie keeps control—of the session, of the story, and of Victor.
3. Using Therapy to Control the Narrative
Goldie didn’t just attend the session. She dominated it.
Or at least, she tried to.
control the narrative: reframing events, redirecting focus, and steering the conversation in her favor.
This is a classic move in couples therapy with a borderline or narcissistic partner.
Therapy isn’t supposed to be a courtroom, where one person argues their case, prosecutes their partner, and silences dissent.
But that’s exactly how many borderlines and narcissists try to use therapy. It becomes a forum to manipulate the therapist, control the story, and win.
Goldie wasn’t there to work on herself.
She wasn’t there to hear honest feedback.
And she definitely wasn’t there to receive anything that conflicted with her “I’m all better now!” fanfic.
She was there to make sure Victor and I couldn’t speak freely.
BPD therapy manipulation tactics
- Controlling the conversation and monopolizing airtime.
- Feigning accountability while positioning herself as the victim.
- Framing Victor as the problem that needed to be “managed,” corrected, or reassured.
And how did she try to maintain that control?
- By flattering me.
- Appealing to my authority.
- And when that didn’t work—by denying, dismissing, and invalidating Victor’s reality.
This wasn’t insight.
It wasn’t vulnerability.
And it certainly wasn’t therapeutic progress.
That’s BPD narrative management 101.
Why Borderline Partners Turn Couples Therapy Into a Courtroom
When a borderline or narcissistic partner pushes for couples therapy, it’s rarely about improving communication, understanding, or conflict resolution.
It’s about control.
As I’ve discussed in multiple articles and videos, they don’t want a neutral space.
They want a platform—a setting where they can control the narrative, manage impressions, and constrain their partner’s ability to speak freely.
Specifically, couples therapy becomes a place to:
- Spin their victim narrative while attacking their partner.
- Bolster their identity as the “wounded one” while invalidating, pathologizing, and blaming their partner.
- Use the therapist as a pawn—or worse, as a weapon.
And if the therapist doesn’t play along?
Borderlines and narcissists flip from idealization to devaluation in a nanosecond—
From “I respect your expertise” to “You’re biased, incompetent, and unethical.”
It becomes just another stage in their ongoing psychodrama. Where the therapist is triangulated, the partner’s gaslit, and the borderline or narcissist’s distorted reality becomes the script everyone else is expected to follow.
They’re just like everyone else—
They’re just like everyone else:
Potential allies, enablers, and negative advocates to be recruited, discarded, or attacked depending on how useful they are in the moment.
4. Invalidating Victor’s Perspective and Emotional Needs
The few times Victor tried to express what he was experiencing, Goldie swiftly shifted the spotlight back to herself—and her pain.
Yes, she admitted she’d falsely accused Victor of abuse.
But then came the “buts.”
And Goldie had a lot of buts.
This is a familiar pattern in couples therapy with borderline and narcissistic partners:
a partial admission followed by immediate minimization, justification, or emotional hijacking.
Therapy only works if both partners are willing to acknowledge reality.
Not her truth.
And not his truth.
The truth.
Fact-based.
Objective.
Verifiable.
You know, the kind of truth many borderlines and narcissists call “mean” or “abusive.”
Instead of considering Victor’s very real concerns, Goldie played the victim.
She appeared either oblivious (or indifferent) to how her lies, public scenes, false police reports, and Victor’s subsequent arrests and court involvement affected him.
Her complete lack of empathy wasn’t subtle.
It was stunning.
It’s also peak BPD-NPD.
This kind of empathy gap, tone-deafness, and exclusive self-focus on the borderline’s “suffering” destroys any chance of effective couples therapy.
That’s why I ultimately offered to work with Victor individually—and left it to the DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) practitioner to decide if or when might ever be appropriate for couples work.
Which, frankly, isn’t looking great.
Because when one partner dominates the session, reframes accountability as victimhood, and shows no genuine empathy for the harm they’ve caused, the other partner is left with two options:
- Self-defense mode, or
- “Shut up and let her talk so I don’t get attacked later” mode
That’s exactly what Victor did.
Why the Non-BPD Partner Goes Silent in Couples Therapy
sharing what’s really going on at home (and how you’re actually feeling) is dangerous.
Because no matter how gently or diplomatically you express yourself (i.e., walking on eggshells in therapy
- Twist it into an attack.
- Interrupt or overtalk you.
- Reframe it as their pain.
- Or weaponize it later.
It’s exhausting.
It’s demoralizing.
And after the session (far away from the therapist) you’re going to get an earful. Or worse.
So eventually, you stop talking.
This isn’t denial.
You’re not an emotionless robot.
And yes, maybe you’re withholding things, but not for manipulative or vindictive reasons.
You’re in self-protection mode.
This is how therapy (what’s supposed to be a healing space) becomes just another arena for more borderline and narcissistic abuse and manipulation.
And this is exactly why competent DBT therapists advise against couples work—until the BPD/NPD partner develops:
- Basic emotional regulation skills.
- The ability to tolerate their partner’s feelings without escalation.
- And the capacity to hear facts without lashing out or retaliating.
Until that happens?
Couples therapy does more harm than good.
5. Pressuring the Therapist for Validation
Goldie didn’t come to the session for therapy.
She came for validation.
Like many borderlines in couples therapy, she wasn’t seeking insight or accountability—she wanted me to co-sign her version of reality.
the borderline or narcissistic partner treats the therapist as an authority figure whose job is to confirm
Goldie expected me to confirm that:
- She was “making progress” (after one DBT session).
- Victor was being “unfair.”
- DBT and her new meds would magically fix the marriage.
- She was “not like all the other BPDs”—and that it was therefore safe for Victor to stay with a woman who had already made multiple 911 calls, falsely accused him of abuse, and had him arrested.
This isn’t therapeutic validation.
It’s verdict-seeking.
When a therapist validates emotional experience without endorsing distortions, accountability is still possible.
But when validation is demanded as agreement—especially in the face of documented harm—it becomes another form of manipulation.
So when I pushed back on Goldie’s magical thinking?
That was it.
I went from potential ally to liability.
Dead therapist walking.
How Borderline Partners Pressure Therapists for Validation
Ideally, therapeutic validation means acknowledging a client’s emotional experience—even if you don’t agree with their interpretation of events.
It’s about empathy, not endorsement.
But for many individuals with BPD or NPD, validation isn’t about empathy or emotional attunement at all.
They want the therapist to validate their distortions, fabrications, self-sabotaging behavior, and to affirm that their abuse of their partners (and their children) isn’t really abuse.
Because they’re “in pain.”
So it’s “justified.”
And if you don’t? You’re:
- Cold.
- Biased.
- Don’t understand them.
- “Re-traumatizing” them.
- “Ganging up” on them.
complicit, colluding therapists are exactly what many BPD/NPD individuals are screening for
What they really want isn’t treatment.
It’s someone to look into their funhouse mirror with them and agree it’s reality.
They don’t want you to challenge their reality or slow their dysregulation.
And they certainly don’t want you to reflect anything back that threatens their narrative.
And if you won’t?
They bounce.
And maybe threaten to sue you.
6. Magical Thinking
That’s because magical thinking doesn’t tolerate reality checks much less irrefutable facts. Magical thinking requires willful denial of objective reality.
No matter how many times she tried to inveigle me into agreement, I didn’t budge. I saw it for what it was: more textbook BPD manipulation
Goldie’s “progress” wasn’t rooted in real insight or sustained behavioral change.
Optimistically, it was a bargaining chip. Cynically, it was a deliberate Hoover attempt to seduce Victor back into compliance until she secured leverage.
A way to say:
“See? I’m working on myself, so you owe me your trust, your forgiveness, and maybe even a baby.”
This isn’t growth.
It’s performative manipulation—a combination of guilt tripping, victim playing, and fantasy-driven entitlement.
In relationships with borderline or narcissistic partners, the performance itself is often the manipulation.
It’s designed to bypass accountability, collapse reasonable boundaries, and pressure the victim into reconnection before trust has been rebuilt—or safety has been restored.
And if you don’t hop aboard the Magical Thinking Express, you’re mean.
Unloving.
Cruel.
Selfish.
Abusive.
Which brings us to the next tactic:
Abuse amnesia.
7. Abuse Amnesia
trauma survivors forget, minimize, or compartmentalize past abuse. This kind of amnesia is protective, often unconscious, and rooted in shock, fear, and survival.
That’s not what I’m talking about here.
Borderline and narcissistic abusers like Goldie exhibit something very different—what I’ll call abuser amnesia. It isn’t trauma-based. It isn’t protective. And it’s rarely unconscious.
Abuser amnesia is selective, convenient, and accountability-avoidant.
They minimize it.
“I never hit you!” When they slammed a door two inches from your face.
They rationalize it.
“You ignored my texts!” Which somehow becomes justification for calling your boss and accusing you of stealing as punishment for “ignoring” them.
And in both cases, they do the same thing next:
They flip the script and recast themselves as the real victim.
This isn’t genuine forgetfulness.
It’s a combination of denial, minimization, justification, and blame-shifting. These are psychological defense mechanisms that protect the abuser from accountability and consequences.
The implicit (or sometimes explicit) message is:
“The abuse stopped (or has for now) so let’s never speak of it again.
And while you’re at it, buy me an ice cream as my reward.”
And if you don’t forgive them fast enough?
If you can’t pretend everything is sunshine, rainbows, and lollipops after they’ve burned your life down?
You’re the problem now.
Just like that, you’re the “abuser” for still feeling hurt.
For needing time.
And for protecting yourself.
Pardon my language, but: Fuck. That. Shit.
Abuse isn’t erased just because the yelling stopped.
It doesn’t disappear because someone downloaded a mindfulness app or went to therapy once.
Goldie seemed to think that because she:
- Admitted she lied about the abuse (sort of),
- Got evaluated likely not her first BPD diagnosis, and Victor’s probably not her first victim,
- Restarted her meds (for now), and
- Attended one DBT session (ditto),
…everything was fine now.
Problem solved.
Crisis over.
Moving on.
Resume date nights.
- Arrests.
- Public meltdowns.
- Trauma.
- Fear.
- Risks to his safety, freedom, finances, and future.
And blindly trust that everything is magically okay now.
This isn’t just magical thinking or abuse amnesia—
It’s delusional entitlement.
And a profound lack of empathy.
And worst of all?
It’s a setup for more abuse.
What Real Progress Looks Like in BPD Treatment (And What It Doesn’t)
“I’m sorry’s.”
Real progress is behavioral, sustained, and inconvenient.
It looks like this:
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Taking full ownership of past behavior without minimizing, justifying, or playing the victim.
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Accepting that your partner is hurt, scared, and guarded and that they have every right to be.
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Understanding that trust isn’t reset with a therapist’s note or three days of good behavior.
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Continuing the work even if you’re not forgiven, and knowing you might never
That’s what actual change looks like.
Progress isn’t about how quickly you “bounce back” after a meltdown or crisis.
It’s about stopping the expectation that everyone else will immediately bounce back with you—and then pretend nothing happened.
Accountability without entitlement.
Remorse without demands.
Effort without strings attached.
That’s the benchmark for genuine progress and emotional growth.
When someone with BPD demands instant forgiveness or uses therapy to pressure their partner into staying, they’re not healing.
They’re trying to leap frog the consequences of their behavior and calling it “progress.”
And don’t buy into the BS that there’s something wrong with you as a human being if you’re not ready to forgive—now or ever.
Or that forgiveness means you need to exhibit the aforementioned abuse amnesia.
What Goldie did to Victor wasn’t a misunderstanding, a few unrelated honest mistakes, or a car door ding in the Stop-and Shop parking lot.
In my opinion, her behaviors are both unforgiveable and grounds for a protection order—for Victor.
8. Triangulating the Therapist: How BPDs Use Therapy to Maintain Control
So let’s be absolutely clear about what Goldie was doing when she hijacked Victor’s individual session.
She wasn’t seeking therapy.
She was screening the therapist.
Goldie crashed the session to assess whether:
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I could be manipulated.
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I could be co-opted to serve her “best interests” (translation: no divorce + baby ASAP), rather than Victor’s best interests.
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I would validate her narrative at Victor’s expense.
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I’d compromise my principles and clinical expertise to make a buck.
This is a classic triangulation maneuver: inserting the therapist into the relationship dynamic as a potential ally, enabler, or weapon.
I don’t believe for a second that Goldie truly believed her own bullshit.
But she wanted me to believe it.
And she wanted Victor to believe it.
Because if she could secure Victor’s “BPD expert” stamp of approval, it would undercut his very real fears and doubts about her behavior and about the viability of their marriage.
She wasn’t just trying to control the session.
She was trying to control the flow of reality.
By triangulating the therapist, Goldie was attempting to isolate Victor from any professional relationship that might reflect facts back to him, challenge her narrative, or validate his assessment of what was happening.
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block corrective feedback,
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discredit outside perspectives, and
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keep the partner dependent on the abuser’s version of events.
The goal?
Therapist Shopping: How Borderline Partners Screen for Enablers
No matter how many times I asked Goldie, “What do you want from me?” (and I asked at least three times) she never gave a direct answer.
She danced around it.
Sidestepped.
Tried to get me to say what she wanted Victor to hear without actually saying it herself.
That’s typical of many borderlines and narcissists: indirect asks cloaked in plausible deniability.
So let’s translate BPD to Normal.
What Goldie really wanted wasn’t therapy—for Victor, herself, or their marriage.
She wanted confirmation of her narratives.
She wanted control.
And she wanted help keeping Victor trapped in the relationship.
In other words, she wanted a therapist for Victor who would:
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Reframe her manipulative behavior—in just this session alone—as “progress.”
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Recast her abuse as trauma responses.
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Pathologize Victor as cold, avoidant, or emotionally unavailable if he doesn’t keep emotionally supporting her, i.e., letting Goldie play Russian Roulette with the proverbial pistol pointed at his head.
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Urge him to stay even if it costs him his career, reputation, freedom, and
That kind of therapist, the one Goldie was screening for?
In my professional opinion, they wouldn’t just be enabling.
They’d be committing malpractice.
Because when Goldie’s symptoms inevitably flare again (and they will) Victor will be the one paying the price.
Again.
This wasn’t about mutual growth or support.
It was therapist shopping, dressed up as “getting Victor help.”
This is exactly why Goldie asked to attend Victor’s next individual session.
And it’s exactly why I said no.
Conclusion: Why Therapy Fails When a Borderline Controls the Process
Therapy can be a powerful tool for healing, growth, accountability, and change.
But when one partner uses it as a weapon?
It stops being therapy.
And it becomes just another extension of the abuse.
That’s exactly what happened in this session.
Every tactic Goldie used served a single purpose:
Control of Victor, the story, and of the outcome.
And when I didn’t play along?
I’d bet good money Goldie went to work discrediting me as:
- Biased
- “Against her”
- Woman-hater
- Stigmatizer of people with BPD
- “She hasn’t helped anyone. None of the men she’s worked with stayed married.”
I was likely devalued and discarded for the same reason most people eventually are:
I told the truth, named the dysfunction, and I didn’t enable, well, any of it.
What can I say?
I’m just that special kind of asshole therapist.
The kind who doesn’t enable abuse just because someone’s “hurting” when they’re faced with consequences.
And the kind who believes one partner’s “pain” doesn’t excuse harming the other.
Because the moment you stop reflecting the borderline or narcissist’s distorted un-reality?
You’re no longer the good therapist, the good partner, the good friend, the good sibling, or the good anything.
You are now the enemy.
And enemies?
They don’t just get discarded.
They get destroyed.
Just ask anyone who’s ever been married to someone like Goldie.
Counseling, Consulting and Coaching with Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD
Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD helps individuals with relationship and codependency issues via telephone or Skype. Since 2009, she’s specialized in helping men and women break free of abusive relationships, cope with the stress of ongoing abuse and heal from the trauma. She combines practical advice, emotional support and goal-oriented outcomes. If you’d like to work with Dr. Palmatier, please visit the Schedule a Session page or you can email her directly at shrink4men@gmail.com.
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