When a borderline or narcissistic partner feels their control slipping — when accountability, boundaries, or the threat of divorce enter the picture — they often weaponize couples therapy to regain power and reclaim their victim narrative.
The therapy room isn’t neutral ground. It becomes a new front where the borderline or narcissist tries to recruit the therapist as an ally in their abuse.
Setting Boundaries with a BPD or NPD Partner
Many clients wrongly believe that if they finally start to set in their relationship with a borderline or narcissistic partner, it will magically fix the relationship.
Spoiler alert: It won’t. In fact, it often makes things worse.
Nevertheless, relationship are both healthy and essential. I encourage all clients to develop them. But I also stress two things:
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It won’t be easy — for them or their disordered partner.
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Setting boundaries with a BPD-NPD partner is usually the beginning of the end.
And oftentimes, that ending doesn’t come quietly. It may involve family, friends, therapists, and law enforcement.
When a borderline or narcissistic partner feels their control slipping, they don’t just push back. They escalate.
The fights get nastier, the victim stories more dramatic, and in some cases, they’ll try to weaponize couples therapy itself. What is supposed to be a safe space for healing becomes a stage for manipulation, reputation damage, and narrative control.
When BPD Partners Turn Boundaries into Battlegrounds
To narcissists and borderlines, a doesn’t register as self-respect in a two-way street relationship. It feels like:
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Rejection
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Being controlled
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A challenge to their control
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Abuse
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Proof you don’t love them
It also enrages them. And supersizes their already oversized victim identity.
If my clients had had healthy from the start, these relationships likely wouldn’t have progressed past the first few dates.
But everything was amazing in the beginning, you say?
Love bombing is proof of poor boundaries — yours and theirs. Of course everything felt amazing in the beginning, because there were no boundaries to push back on yet.
Once you finally start setting boundaries, it doesn’t just upset the apple cart.
It blows it up.
Picture airborne molten applesauce coming at you at 100 mph and you’ll get the idea.
Some borderlines and narcissists respond with rage.
Some cry victim.
Some alternate between both and you get the angry .
When those tactics don’t work, some go after your support system — your friends, your family… and yes, even your therapist.
A determined NPD-BPD partner may try to recruit (or eliminate) your professional support. Over the years, I’ve had a few clients’ partners try to co-opt, manipulate, or take me out once they realized I was in the picture.
None have ever succeeded in getting me to enable their abuse.
But a few managed to pressure my clients into terminating.
Eventually, most came back.
Sheepish and chagrined.
Real-Life Example: A Borderline Couples Therapy Ambush in Action
This is what a BPD therapy ambush looks like in practice: a diagnosed borderline crashed her husband’s individual session to test, charm, and ultimately try — unsuccessfully — to conscript me to her cause. That cause? Keeping her partner under control and reframing his boundaries as abuse against her.
Meet “Victor” and “Goldie.”
Originally, Victor scheduled what was supposed to be a straightforward individual intake session. Instead, it turned into BPD-palooza, where personal and professional boundaries were violated with wild, unchecked BPD abandon.
(Names have been changed to cover my ass.
“Victor” requested a session because he had “questions” about “difficulties” with his wife. His session prep form was vague with no details about the so-called difficulties. I logged into GoogleMeet to see Victor. And his wife, “Goldie.”
Surprise.
Victor didn’t mention Goldie’d be joining us. Or that the “difficulties” involved , arrests, and a recent .
Me: Hello, Victor. Nice to meet you. Who’s this? I didn’t know you’d be bringing a guest.
Goldie introduced herself and asked if it was alright for her to join.
Me: I guess we’ll find out.
She didn’t ask if it was alright to join because she was confused about therapy . She wanted to see if I’d enforce therapy boundaries.
Goldie then disclosed she’d recently been diagnosed with . She said she’d read my “profile” and understood I was an expert on BPD and said that made it especially important they meet with me.
Yeah. Flattery will get you exactly nowhere with me.
I corrected her.
Me: My expertise is in working with people — . Not BPD individuals.
Did Goldie acknowledge that? Nope.
She plowed ahead. Claimed she was taking full responsibility for her behavior, that she’s on medication now, and just started .
Me: Okay, great. What are you looking for from me?
Goldie pressed on. Since I’m the expert, wouldn’t I agree it’s highly unusual for someone with BPD to admit their destructive behavior and voluntarily ?
Me: It depends. Also, attending DBT is no guarantee of success. Sorry, but I’m still unclear on how I can help you.
Yes, it’s highly unusual for personality-disordered individuals to voluntarily seek evaluation. When they do, it’s usually because of a court order, an ultimatum, or a hospitalization.
, though? That’s not so unusual. But let’s be clear about why they go.
Borderlines usually don’t seek therapy for self-improvement. They use it as a tool for:
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Validation (I’m here!)
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Manipulation (Watch me turn the therapist into an ally against my partner.)
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Damage control (Avoiding divorce, losing custody, or jail.)
At this point, Victor finally chimed in with some additional background information. Turns out, he and Goldie have been married for less than a year.
And in that short time Goldie had already:
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Accused Victor of abuse, on him. Multiple times.
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Gotten him arrested. Multiple times.
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Retracted her allegations… only to accuse him again. Multiple times.
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Run out of public places screaming and crying that Victor was abusing her and making scenes that caused the police to be called. Multiple times.
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Jumped out of a moving car. Multiple times.
All in under one year.
That’s not a rough patch.
That’s a preview of coming attractions fatal attractions.
Heaven help this man if he has a child with her.
Me: That’s all pretty serious.
Goldie jumped in immediately. She took responsibility (sort of), but also blamed her behavior on:
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Her invalidating parents.
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A former manager (when she was still employed before marrying Victor) who was once “mean” to her.
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Feeling “unloved” because… reasons.
“Taking full responsibility” doesn’t involve a of justifications and blame shifting. In other words, she took no responsibility.
But don’t worry.
Goldie said she’d found the “right” medication and started DBT, so everything’s fine now.
Goldie: Victor says I’m back to being the girl he first met, right, my love?
Let’s be clear about that girl.
The real Goldie didn’t reveal herself fully until after they said, “I do.“
Before Victor could answer, I asked again, “What do you want from me?“
Goldie didn’t say it outright, but it was clear. She wanted my stamp of approval — that meds and DBT would everything to weaponize later on. “Look Victor, your BPD expert says everything’s okay. Impregnate me.”
Or Why Goldie Was Always Going to Be in the Room
Victor .
My guess?
He read enough to know he wasn’t crazy. And that maybe, just maybe, he wasn’t the abusive monster Goldie made him out to be after exchanging vows.
Whether Goldie asked to be included or just showed up, it’s clear the session had to happen on her terms.
As for reading my “profile?”
You bet your ass she Googled me.
And I’d wager she was panic-stricken (and probably enraged) by what she found.
There was no way she was going to let Victor meet with a therapist who might validate his reality.
So she came to gatekeep the narrative, shape what I heard, and monitor what Victor said.
And the fact that she thought she could manipulate me? That’s pretty grandiose.
This is how it works. If the BPD or NPD can’t control the therapist, they’ll try to block access to the therapist.
This wasn’t an impromptu tag-along.
It was a preemptive maneuver to safeguard her “I’m a good BPD”-victim narratives and .
At that point, I asked Goldie the obvious:
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How long have you been on the medication?
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How many Dialectical Behavior Therapy sessions have you had?
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Does your DBT therapist know you’re meeting with me today?
Her answers, in order:
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Less than a week.
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One session.
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No.
She believed that meant she was cured.
Most psychiatric medications like antidepressants, antipsychotics, mood stabilizers, atypical antipsychotics don’t work overnight. They usually take at least a couple of weeks to reach therapeutic levels, and even then, there’s no guarantee they’ll help.
And one Dialectical Behavior Therapy session?
Attending one session or a hundred doesn’t prove a person has changed. Any more than going to church every week proves moral goodness.
As for Goldie’s miraculous transformation?
It’s not the meds.
Call me cynical (or experienced), but I’d bet she’s on her best behavior… for now.
Not because she’s healing. Because she’s trying to and keep what appears to be a very comfortable lifestyle courtesy of Victor.
And once she locks in an anchor baby, Victor better buckle up because it will
Me: Look, I don’t have enough information to give you the answer I think you’re looking for.
I don’t know your family histories.
I don’t know your relationship histories.
But I do know this — you’ve been on the medication for less than a week, and you’ve attended one Dialectical Behavior Therapy session.
That’s nowhere near enough to predict outcomes, let alone talk about ‘progress.’
The best advice I can give?
Slow down.
Reset your expectations to something more realistic.
You’ve barely started treatment.
No matter how committed you are, this is going to be a long, uphill slog.
Goldie didn’t even blink.
This is when Goldie’s BPD defenses really kicked in and she began blame shifting onto Victor in this classic BPD couples therapy ambush. Of course, Victor isn’t perfect or without his own issues. And I certainly didn’t need Goldie to tell me that. After all, he hadn’t filed for divorce yet
But let’s be clear, Victor wasn’t the one jumping out of moving vehicles or filing
The speed of their courtship, his willingness to overlook serious red flags, and that he’s actually considering staying with her after all that’s happened over the last year suggest Victor has his own issues.
Just not the ones Goldie thinks.
Goldie’s complaints about Victor:
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He’s not social enough. She’s very social.
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He isolates himself. According to Goldie — and Victor’s mother, who wasn’t present during the session.
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He doesn’t want to go out with her and her friends. This makes her feel “unloved.”
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She doesn’t like how he spends his money.
Naturally, Goldie doesn’t work. Victor makes enough that Goldie’s effectively retired before the ripe old age of 30.
She contributes nothing financially, yet has plenty of opinions about how Victor spends the money he earns. The same money her BPD antics could easily destroy if Victor doesn’t divorce her post haste.
If they’re not trying to isolate you from your family, they’re trying to recruit them as . I don’t know what’s actually true between Victor and his mother. But Goldie discussing Victor’s alleged “isolation issues” with his mom?
That’s a in BPD relationship dynamics.
She’s pathologizing him behind his back, then with his mother’s supposed agreement as proof that she’s right.
That’s the function of triangulation: to create alliances that reinforce the borderline’s or narcissist’s distorted reality.
The proverbial peanut gallery — emphasis on the nut.
According to Goldie, Victor’s mom agrees that he’s isolating. Which is interesting, considering Victor’s mom presumably also knows about the false police reports and arrests.
Yet somehow, Goldie’s the one diagnosing Victor?
Victor has his own issues, sure.
But this?
This isn’t one of them.
For most of the session, Victor barely spoke.
When he did, Goldie either corrected him or amended his statements.
At this point, I cut in to make what should’ve been a blindingly obvious point for anyone with a shred of empathy.
Me: Goldie, if you’d run out of restaurants screaming that I was abusing you and jumped out of my moving vehicle I wouldn’t go out in public with you either much less drive anywhere with you.
Because beyond jeopardizing your own safety—and that of other drivers, pedestrians, and restaurant patrons—you also jeopardized Victor’s physical safety, reputation, career, freedom, and mental health.
False abuse allegations don’t just “go away” because the false accuser says, “My bad!”
They cause depression. Shame. Isolation.
Especially for the wrongly accused.
For the first time in the session, Victor showed real emotion.
Victor: I feel like you actually understand what I’ve been going through.
Goldie’s microexpression? Not pleased
Abuse has consequences. Contrary to what borderline and narcissistic abusers think, this isn’t “mean” or “unfair.” It’s the natural order of things. Be abusive long enough, and anyone with a shred of self-respect will even the most codependent doormat will eventually walk away.
Goldie’s complaints about Victor pathologize his natural emotional responses to her abuse. This is a classic tactic used by borderlines and other high-conflict personalities.
She’s “behaving better” now.
She wants date nights to resume.
What’s his problem?
All these natural consequences for her outrageously destructive behavior are making her feel unloved. [sarcasm]
I wonder how Victor was feeling when he left his own home in handcuffs thanks to Goldie’s emotional dysregulation and lies?
Her emotional immaturity, entitlement, and lack of empathy are on full display here.
Goldie either doesn’t understand (or more likely doesn’t care to understand) that trust isn’t a faucet you turn back on the moment she strategically decides to “behave.”
Abuse has consequences.
Lies.
False allegations.
Wrongful arrest.
Public scenes.
Physical endangerment.
Reputational damage.
Emotional manipulation.
Trauma.
These things don’t magically vanish because someone starts DBT or finds the “right” medication.
Once trust is broken, rebuilding it isn’t just hard.
It’s often impossible.
Abusers framing a partner’s emotional withdrawal as “withholding love” is just more of their victim-playing.
It’s a guilt trip designed to force reconnection and intimacy without accountability.
This is yet another example of how borderlines and narcissists get cause and effect backwards — demanding repair before taking responsibility.
There can be no repair without accountability.
Even if an abusive partner genuinely apologizes and does the work, they’re not automatically entitled to trust, forgiveness, or closeness.
Going to one therapy session and being on better behavior for a couple weeks doesn’t prove change.
It’s just step one in a long process. One that requires sustained effort and consistent proof over time.
Victor is right to be skeptical.
He’s right to be guarded.
Because Goldie is manipulative AF.
Protecting himself doesn’t make him unkind, unloving, or unsupportive.
It makes him aware of the damage she’s already inflicted, and (hopefully) smart enough not to fall for another round.
This is peak BPD:
Seeing the natural consequences of their behavior as unfair.
As if they’re the ones being wronged.
To paraphrase Snoop Dogg, “BPD, please
At the end of session, Goldie asked: Do you ever work with couples who want to save their marriage?
I restated my position: I don’t work with personality disordered individuals. But I’ve worked with their partners to help them implement DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) techniques.
Goldie wasn’t done: How many of those couples stayed together?
Me: None of them.
Even in the best cases, DBT led to little — or at most — marginal improvement in the relationship dynamic of clients who originally wanted to try to make things work with their BPD wife.
The reason is simple. DBT can help manage symptoms, but it can’t create empathy, accountability, or emotional safety where none exists.
Ultimately, couples therapy with a borderline or narcissistic partner usually backfires.
They don’t go to resolve issues. They go to control the narrative, discredit the victim, and get the therapist on their side. (Exactly like Goldie was doing in this ambush couples therapy session.) Therapy becomes just another stage for manipulation.
Before I agreed to work with Victor, a few things needed to happen:
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The DBT therapist had to be informed. Victor and Goldie needed to sign releases so we could communicate directly.
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Future joint sessions? That would be up to the DBT therapist, not Goldie.
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Goldie needed to sign a release allowing Victor to communicate with her DBT therapist (basically to fact-check what Goldie was telling the DBT practitioner).
These aren’t power plays. They’re best clinical practices, especially when working with high-conflict or personality disordered individuals. The goal is transparency, coordination, and protection from the typical BPD shenanigans.
Victor agreed.
He scheduled an appointment for the following week.
Then Goldie asked: Can I come too?
Me: No.
She wanted control.
I told her she couldn’t have it.
Dead therapist walking.
I didn’t expect Goldie to agree to these conditions, which, frankly, was part of the reason I insisted upon them.
The other reason? Like I said, they’re just best clinical practices.
When someone with borderline personality disorder has multiple professionals in their orbit — therapists, social workers, case managers, probation officers, their partner’s therapist, their child’s therapist — releases of information are essential.
Why? Because it keeps everyone on the same page. It also makes it more difficult for the BPD to triangulate, manipulate, or split providers against each other.
If you’re dealing with someone like Goldie, as a spouse or a therapist, you need to BPD-proof yourself
Less than 24 hours before his solo appointment, Victor emailed to cancel. No surprise there.
I replied that my offer of support still stands, but made it clear: I had no interest in working with Goldie.
So what likely happened? My best guess is that Goldie realized she wouldn’t be able to manipulate or control my work with Victor if she wasn’t in the room to puppet-master the session and spin her narratives.
If I ever hear from Victor again, it’ll likely be after the divorce begins and things get ugly—or uglier. Hopefully, they won’t bring kids into the mix. Not unless or until Goldie stops manipulating and stabilizes.
But I wouldn’t bet on it. Goldie can’t maintain good behavior indefinitely.
Up Next: A Deep Dive into BPD Manipulation Tactics
This session with Goldie wasn’t just an ambush—
it was a textbook example of how borderline personality disorder can show up in therapy.
In the follow-up article, I’ll break down the specific BPD manipulation tactics Goldie used to hijack the session, derail accountability, and maintain control over both Victor and the narrative.
From boundary violations to weaponizing therapy, triangulation, guilt-tripping, and performative “healing,” I’ll unpack it all in Couples Therapy with a BPD: 8 Manipulation Tactics.
Counseling, Consulting and Coaching with Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD
Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD helps individuals with relationship and codependency issues via telephone or Skype. Since 2009, she’s specialized in helping men and women break free of abusive relationships, cope with the stress of ongoing abuse and heal from the trauma. She combines practical advice, emotional support and goal-oriented outcomes. If you’d like to work with Dr. Palmatier, please visit the Schedule a Session page or you can email her directly at shrink4men@gmail.com.
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