Divorcing an abusive, high-conflict, pathologically entitled woman (i.e., Crazy) can be a brutal experience. This type of personality will use any means necessary to “win,” including false allegations of domestic violence and sexual violence, restraining order abuse, smear campaigns, delay tactics to drive up legal costs and to avoid consequences for their own malfeasance, parental alienation, child abuse, financial fraud, and a host of other predations.
Make no mistake; you’re at war with an individual who wants to destroy you emotionally, psychologically, financially, socially, professionally and physically. She most likely wants total control over the children and may even wish to see you imprisoned. Many men have a difficult time accepting this and resist using maximalist legal means to neutralize the threat their exes pose to them and their children.
But she’s the mother of my children.
She’ll get angry with me if I expose her or hold her accountable.
I want to keep things as amicable as possible.
But I’m a nice guy.
The judge will be fair.
But she’s the mother of my children. What kind of mother tries to destroy the children’s father? What kind of mother depicts the children’s father as a violent monster for a larger child or spousal support check or just out of pure malice? What kind of mother teaches the children to hate and fear their father because she either doesn’t value the importance of having a loving, involved father and/or is so insecure that she believes the children loving and having a relationship with their father means the kids love her less? Birthing children does not automatically bestow virtue. This kind of mother eats her young. You need to get over the sentimental veneration of “motherhood.”
She’ll get angry with me if I expose her or hold her accountable. And that would be different from what you experienced in your marriage how? Crazy uses her anger as a control mechanism. You’re afraid of taking care of yourself and your children. You’re afraid of looking after your best interests and the children’s interests. This is what Crazy wants because it makes you an easier target. She’s going to be angry no matter what you do because that is her nature, so you may as well do what’s good for you.
I want to keep things as amicable as possible. Not possible if you are dealing with Crazy. Treating this kind of individual kindly and generously usually just makes them greedier and crueler. They view kindness as a weakness to be exploited.
But I’m a nice guy. Being a nice guy is not synonymous with being a doormat. When divorcing Crazy, it’s time to stop being the nice guy and become the smart guy.
The judge will be fair. If you’re a man who believes this, we have some land to sell you in Florida. If you’re a man in family court, you begin with a severe handicap and you will need to figure out how to minimize it.
If you’re divorcing an abusive, entitled, high-conflict and/or personality disordered woman and have any of the above mindsets, you are the proverbial lamb to the slaughter. You need to check your chivalry, put away your white steed and white hat, disabuse yourself of any notion of fairness in family court and do what you need to do within the bounds of the law. And that means being willing to expose your ex for the horrible person and parent she is.
These are just some of the topics we’ll be covering on this week’s Going Mental. Our guest, Terrence Popp, will discuss specific divorce strategies he has seen men use and the practice of administrative violence as a way to combat the disadvantage many men face in Family Court.
Popp is the founder of SecondClassCitizen.org, a non-profit promoting equal rights for non-custodial parents and children, and Redonkulas.com, a video site that offers off-color, in-your-face comedy on a range of topics including divorce, the dangers of dating and marrying crazy, feminism, female narcissism and entitlement, and stupid male relationship behaviors.
Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD helps individuals work through their relationship and codependency issues via telephone or Skype. She specializes in helping men and women trying to break free of an abusive relationship, cope with the stress of an abusive relationship or heal from an abusive relationship. Coaching individuals through high-conflict divorce and custody cases is also an area of expertise. She combines practical advice, emotional support and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Schedule a Session page for more information.
Want to Say Goodbye to Crazy? Buy it HERE.