Will My BPD Ex Be Different With the Next Guy?

Are you wondering, “Will my BPD ex be different with the next guy?” Maybe you’re asking yourself, “Am I giving up too soon? Should I try harder? Maybe things will go back to how they were.” Or worse, “Will the next guy get all the love, sex, and ‘nice’ version of her that I could’ve had if I just stuck it out a little longer and loved her harder?”

So will your borderline, histrionic, or narcissistic ex be different with the next guy? In a word? No. But here’s the thing—you’re asking the wrong question. Instead of wondering, “Will my BPD or NPD ex be different with the next guy?” ask yourself, “Will my BPD or NPD ex love bomb the next guy or gal?”

Absolutely. That’s their playbook: Idealize, devalue, discard, boomerang, Hoover, discard, repeat. Sure, your ex might make a few superficial tweaks during the love-bombing phase with her next victim, but meaningful changes? The kind that lead to a healthy relationship based on mutual respect, trust, and love? Not a chance.

The window dressing might change, but the shitshow behind the public-facing false self is the same one you’ve already survived.

Maybe now she’s posting venison dinners pics on Instagram because the new guy’s into hunting. Funny—she gave you hell for eating a cheeseburger while preaching veganism when you were married. Or suddenly she’s the life of the party, hitting up every club and restaurant with the new supply. Yet you had to beg her to go out when you were together.

Rest assured, when the devaluation stage begins, that shiny new version of her will fall apart—just like it did with you. And, just like before, it’ll be his fault, and the next guy’s fault, and the next’s. And the next’s. And the next’s.

Do Borderlines, Narcissists, and Histrionics Change in the Ways That Matter?

If you’re hoping your borderline, narcissistic, or histrionic ex might change in meaningful ways that make a healthy, loving relationship possible, here’s the hard truth: they won’t. Stop waiting for integrity, empathy, or accountability. Emotional and psychological maturity? It’s not coming.

Any changes your BPD, NPD, or HPD ex makes in their next relationship are just surface-level tweaks. They’re superficial adjustments to their love bombing tactics—not signs of real emotional growth. These changes are target-specific. When a borderline, narcissist, or histrionic love bombs you, they mirror your identity and values. With the next guy, they’ll mirror his. The so-called “changes” are just a reflection of their new target.

But here’s the kicker: their personality doesn’t change. What you see is their true self coming out once the love bombing ends. They might switch up their manipulation tactics—maybe they’ll move from guilt-tripping to playing the victim—or give themselves a shiny new public image, but who they are at their core? That stays the same. They reveal who they are, they don’t change who they are.

See the difference?

The Love Bombing or Idealization Stage Has an Expiration Date

Relationships with borderlines, narcissists, and histrionics are like a reverse-course meal. It starts sweet and satisfying, but ends in the devaluation slaughterhouse, where you’re picked apart and left with nothing.

In the beginning, you’re served all the decadent dessert—instant intimacy, instant connection, instant trust, and instant love—without any real effort. It feels like magic. But after the sugar high fades, you’re left starving for the real substance that never comes. You’re hooked. Once you’re psychologically dependent on their validation to feel good about yourself, you’ll keep paying and paying until you’ve got nothing left to give. Eventually, you’re either discarded or kept on standby, just in case they need something from you.

In healthy relationships, trust, intimacy, and emotional attunement are built gradually over time—not in a whirlwind, 36-hour first date. But with a BPD, NPD, or HPD, the love bombing always has an expiration date. Once you’re attached or bound to them in a way that’s hard to undo—whether through marriage, kids, or just emotional chains—they flip the switch. This is one reason it’s so gut-wrenching to leave after the mask slips and the abuse starts in earnest.

The devaluation stage often begins with subtle boundary tests: a “bad day tantrum” here, a “your friends are more important than me” silent treatment there. They’re testing how much abuse you’ll tolerate. The truth is, you’ve already failed the first test during the love bombing stage, when they were gauging how much control they could exert under the guise of romance, passion, and “connection.”

You’ll likely find yourself blaming yourself, wondering what happened, trying to recapture that magical beginning—without realizing it was never real in the first place.

Love Bombing Is a Boundary Test

Love bombing isn’t just about flattery—it’s a covert test to see if you have boundaries or if you’re primed for exploitation. In other words, the love bombing stage is one big boundary test. The overwhelming affection and attention are designed to make you ignore warning signs, clouding your judgment. For example, did you:

• Listen to all their victim stories on the first date, or first few weeks? (This is called trauma dumping, by the way).
• Take on the role of protector, hero, rescuer, or fixer?
• Start fighting their grudges and joining in on their grievances—against people you’d never even met—within days of knowing them?
• Did you blindly side with them against everyone on their “enemies list” (they all have one!)?
• Provide financial assistance soon after meeting them?
• Allow and respond to physical touch within minutes of meeting them (like putting a hand on your arm, leg, or pressing against you when there were other seating options)?
• Jump into bed right away?
• Provide them housing after knowing them a short time?
• Meet their kids within a few days or weeks?
• Take vacations together shortly after meeting?

If any of these sound familiar, you’ve already been through the first big boundary test. Your susceptibility to being love bombed is how they gauge whether you have any real limits. Healthy, non-codependent people don’t eagerly lap up love bombing like a thirsty animal at a watering hole in the Sahara. For emotionally stable adults, love bombing feels inauthentic and overwhelming—it’s too much, too soon.

Once the borderline, narcissist, or histrionic senses (whether consciously or unconsciously) that you don’t have solid boundaries—or that yours are flimsy and negotiable—the roller coaster starts. They know they can push. And once you’re emotionally hooked, the real tests of how much they can get away with begin.

For example, will you tolerate tantrums, double standards and other form abuse without holding them accountable? If you do, the devaluation stage begins and the second con job starts. If you refuse to tolerate their bad behavior, the relationship ends. Either you end it because you have enough self-respect to walk away, or they end it in a blaze of projection, gaslighting and victim playing. Whichever way it occurs, good riddance!

Recognizing their game is the first step to reclaiming your power. Once you see the pattern, you’ll realize that saying “good riddance” is the healthiest boundary you can set.

Relationships with a BPD, NPD, or HPD Are One Long Con Job

Love bombing is a lie. Yes, I know it felt real—and your feelings were real—but nevertheless, the love bombing itself was a lie. What else do you call it when someone pretends to be someone they’re not, manipulating you into trusting, admiring, and loving them, only to hurt and exploit you later?

It’s a con job by a nut job that happens in three acts:

• The Love Bomb Con
• The “It’s all Your Fault” Con
• The “If You Really Love Me and Want to Go Back to the Way It Was in the Beginning You’ll Tolerate My Abuse” Con

Let’s break down each of these cons and how they seamlessly feed into each other, trapping you in an endless cycle of manipulation.

The First Con Job: The Love Bomb

The person you thought you fell in love with? They don’t exist. You fell in love with a patchwork quilt of pathology, stitched together from:

• TV series and film characters they mimic. Many clients report recognizing things their partners say as dialogue ripped straight from shows like Grey’s Anatomy, or even scarier, their victim narratives plagiarized from The Handmaid’s Tale.
• Tried-and-true manipulation tactics that worked in previous relationships.
• Emotional intensity (pathology) that you mistook for emotional intimacy.
• A perfect mirror reflection of your qualities, likes, dislikes, values, and style.
• Salesperson-level flattery that preyed on your insecurities and your deep thirst for unconditional love and acceptance—probably stemming from childhood wounds.

Their masks are expertly crafted, designed to reflect everything you thought you wanted—empathy, affection, admiration—all carefully tailored to seduce. But eventually, the mask slips. It always slips. Maybe it was a sudden outburst or a moment of cruel indifference. That’s when the reality of who they are starts to emerge, and the person you thought you knew begins to disappear.

The nightmare at the end of the relationship? That’s the same person you met at the beginning. You just couldn’t see it—or maybe you ignored the red flags early on. The “ideal” person you believed in was nothing but a mask. And underneath that mask? An unstable, immature, selfish, and cruel professional victim who will sneer at you with contempt while abusing you—then turn around and claim you were the abuser.

So, when you’re desperate to return to the beginning of the relationship, what you’re really yearning for is a return to the lie. Think about it—if your BPD, NPD, or HPD ex hid their true nature while seducing you, it shows they knew exactly what they were doing. They knew if they revealed the angry, destructive toddler from the start, there wouldn’t be many second dates.

It’s all a con job.

The Second Con Job: Narcissists, Borderlines, and Histrionics Blame You for Everything

The second con job begins as the love bombing ends. This transition can be abrupt and body-jarring, or it can happen gradually, but either way, the next big lie is this: it’s all your fault! Their disinterest, cruelty, and shitty behavior? That’s on you. And according to the narcissist, borderline, or histrionic, it’s now your job to fix everything.

So, what exactly have you done to turn your adoring “soulmate” into a petulant, angry, emotionally volatile jerk?

It could be anything—something you did, or something you didn’t do. Maybe it’s something you’re doing too much of, or not enough of. You love your family, friends, or even your dog more than you love them. You care too much about your job, or maybe you don’t work enough so she can focus on her Etsy “art business.” But then, if you’re working too much, she has to cheat on you because you’re never around—naturally. Or you’re only exercising to attract other women, yet she doesn’t want to have sex with you because you’re not in shape anymore.

In other words: This porridge is too hot; this porridge is too cold. This chair is too hard; this chair is too soft.

See the pattern? You haven’t changed. And it’s not all your fault. The devaluation will happen no matter what you do—even if it were possible to be the “perfect” partner. Because here’s the reality: your BPD, NPD, or HPD partner hasn’t changed either. You’re just starting to see the first cracks in their mask.

This is where the confusion sets in for many clients. You’re being blamed for everything, and it leaves you questioning your own reality. You might start wondering, “What if it really is my fault? Did I do something wrong?” But those glimpses behind the mask—the emotional outbursts, the manipulation, the sudden shifts in behavior—are the first signs of who they really are. They can’t keep up the charade forever, and you’re now seeing them for who they truly are, not the version they want you (and everyone else) to believe in.

The Mega Mindfuck Con Job: I Love You, You’re Perfect, Now Change!

One moment, you’re their soulmate; the next, everything they once adored about you becomes a problem. One of the cruelest tricks in a narcissist’s or borderline’s bag of mindfuckery is that the very qualities they claimed attracted them to you are the same ones they later use to devalue you. Suddenly, you’re expected to change who you are and become someone you’re not—just so they can pretend to be someone they’re not.

They want you to act like they’re still the person they pretended to be during the love bombing stage. The truth is, they haven’t changed; they’ve gradually stopped masking who they really are. Basically, they’re peeing on your leg and want you to pretend it’s rain. Now, you’re seeing them clearly, and that’s the problem. To keep the peace (such as it is), you’re expected to ignore the reality of who they are. And to do that, you’ll have to go along with their gaslighting, projection, manipulation, and other abuse.

Let’s break down this mindfuck:

At first, you’re the most amazing person they’ve ever met. The best sex ever. They’ve never felt this way before. They adore your talents and love your devotion to family, friends, and your work ethic. They’re into everything you enjoy—or at least act thrilled to try your hobbies and interests. But after you’re emotionally invested, admiration turns into complaints and demands. The praise for your loyalty to family and dedication to work transforms into resentment when you don’t drop everything and everyone for them.

Then disappointment sets in—whether it’s based on something real or imagined. Once the roller coaster reaches its summit, the torturous descent begins. From their point of view, you’re always falling short. You’re trapped in a funhouse mirror reality, where their withholding admiration has become a tool to keep you constantly striving for approval. It’s the proverbial carrot, forever out of reach.

How could they possibly trust you—or even be civil—when you forgot the eighteenth anniversary of their pet goldfish Ivan’s death? See? You don’t love them! Proving your love now means tolerating their childish, destructive, and abusive behavior. You sacrifice the people and things that matter to you, all in the hope of keeping them happy.

Occasionally, you catch a glimpse of the person you thought you knew from the love bombing days, sparking the hope that maybe things will change. But here’s the reality: true personality change is difficult and rare—for them and for you. As they become more of who they are and have always been, you begin to change too. These aren’t positive changes, though. They’re the long-term emotional, psychological, and physical effects of abuse.

Still Wondering If Your BPD or NPD Ex Will Be Different with the Next Guy?

If you’re still holding out hope that your BPD or NPD ex will be different for the next guy—spoiler alert—the same painful cycle you’ve experienced awaits the next guy, the one after that, and so on. True personality change requires self-awareness, accountability, and a genuine desire to grow. For narcissists and borderlines, the need to protect their false self makes this nearly impossible. Even on the rare occasion when they acknowledge wrongdoing, they blame others, play the victim, and demand love and support while continuing their abusive behavior.

So, will your BPD or NPD ex be different with the next guy? Yes and no. The love-bombing persona might morph to better seduce the next guy, but it’s just a new mask covering the same old clusterfuck of Cluster B traits. A better question would be: Is your borderline, histrionic, or narcissistic ex capable of true change and growth? The answer to that is no—probably not.

If you’re still hoping your ex will miraculously revert to the love-bomber for the next guy and permanently remain that person, that’s a different issue. This speaks to wishful thinking—the hope that if you just try harder and endure the abuse, you’ll return to “love-bombing land.” Holding onto this wishful thinking is really a form of self-blame, telling yourself that if you just tried harder, you could bring back the person you first met. But even if your BPD ex is accurately diagnosed and enters Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), change doesn’t mean becoming that fantasy “ideal” they pretended to be.

At best, DBT might help your ex manage their worst impulses, accept that actions have consequences, and realize that experiencing consequences isn’t abuse. At worst, your BPD ex might gain an enabler in their therapist, someone who excuses their behavior and reinforces their victimhood. Either way, there is no going back to the person who love-bombed you, because that person was never real.

Understanding Your Fear of Missing Out on Love

So, what exactly are you afraid of missing out on? A healthy, loving relationship—or the illusion of one?

If you’re worried that your ex will somehow become a better person for the next guy, this fear of missing out on love could actually be a sign of unresolved childhood issues. In my practice, I see this as the wounded child within—a part of you still desperate for the love of a rejecting, abusive parent. The part of you that’s afraid of missing out isn’t longing for your ex; it’s the wounded child still hoping for love from someone who couldn’t or wouldn’t love you back.

Children who feel unloved by their parents often believe it’s their fault, clinging to the idea that if they could just be better, do better, or change, they’d finally earn the love they crave. Isn’t the hope that an abusive ex will magically transform into a loving, decent human being the same kind of magical thinking a wounded, unloved child engages in? Holding onto this magical thinking—believing that if you just do better, they’ll finally change—is a survival instinct you learned as a child. But now, it keeps you trapped in a cycle of disappointment and pain.

Focus on Healing Yourself, Not Fixing Your Borderline or Narcissistic Ex

You heal by protecting your inner, wounded child from people who continue to lie and hurt you—because you matter. Protecting yourself now means choosing to give the love and care to yourself that you never received from those who should have valued you most. You were no more at fault for an abusive BPD or NPD ex’s behavior than you were as a child for an abusive parent’s behavior. And just as you weren’t responsible for fixing your parent’s dysfunction, you’re also not responsible—or capable—of fixing an abusive ex.

Yes, the next guy or gal will be love-bombed just like you were. But eventually, that too will turn into a painful mindfuck, just as it did for you. So, instead of feeling jealous or fearing you’re missing out, wish the next guy good luck—and your abusive ex good riddance! Let go of the fear of missing out and start focusing on the love and healing you deserve. The only person who can truly give you that is you.

Counseling, Consulting and Coaching with Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD

Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD helps individuals with relationship and codependency issues via telephone or Skype. Since 2009, she’s specialized in helping men and women break free of abusive relationships, cope with the stress of ongoing abuse and heal from the trauma. She combines practical advice, emotional support and goal-oriented outcomes. If you’d like to work with Dr. Palmatier, please visit the Schedule a Session page or you can email her directly at [email protected].

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