If you’ve been in a relationship with a narcissist, borderline or psychopath there have probably been times when it seemed like they were projecting a parental role onto you. At a very basic level, yes, narcissists and borderlines do this. However, there’s much more to it beyond the superficial observations of their childish behaviors and attitudes.
Narcissists, borderlines, histrionics and psychopaths are chronically emotionally immature. You’re dealing with someone who is somewhere between a troubled toddler or a troubled teenager in terms of emotional and psychological maturity. In some cases, the damage is pre-verbal and likely goes back to attachment disturbances in infancy. Clients who share actual children (under the age of 18) with narcissistic, borderline or sociopathic wives and husbands have watched their kids mature and and surpass their adult partners or exes in terms of emotional and moral development. If you’re doing a good enough job as a parent you will see this happen and it’s remarkable. That is, if your narcissistic or borderline ex hasn’t alienated your child from you.
If you began the relationship wanting an equal partner (i.e., a functional adult rather than someone who play acts being a grown-up when love bombing or practicing image management), you’ll likely eventually resent the parental role in which your disordered spouse thrusts you. Or maybe you’re the type who likes the who parent child dynamic in which case keep riding the Dysfunction Junction merry-go-round. In many cases, the targets of narcissists and other disordered abusers volunteer for this thankless position hoping things will magically change someday. This is especially true of people who have codependency issues.
Common rationalizations include:
- She’ll grow out of it once she becomes a mother.
- He had such a tough childhood.
- She just has low self-esteem.
- She’ll become more secure once she learns to trust me and experiences love. All of his exes were abusive.
- He just needed to be with someone who really appreciates him.
- She doesn’t mean the stuff she says when she’s angry.
- That was the alcohol talking.
- She’s just stressed about the wedding.
- She’ll feel more secure once I propose.
- I just need to be more patient, more loving, make more money, take on even more financial responsibility and not have appropriate emotional responses to being abused and he or she will treat me better.
Many codependents are aware of the disordered person’s issues going into the relationship. However, they believe they can help, rescue, save or love the narcissist, borderline or psychopath into becoming an emotionally mature adult who is capable of reciprocating love, kindness, generosity and respect.
This doesn’t happen. Ever. You’ll have just as much success trying to change a rattlesnake into a golden retriever.
Recently, a man emailed to inquire about couples counseling with his wife whom he believes is likely NPD. He explained he’s looking for a therapist “to convince his wife to be a good person.” I explained that neither counseling nor life work that way. He didn’t want to hear it. If a 40-something year old woman or man doesn’t understand that it’s not okay to be an asshole and doesn’t care how their behavior impacts those closest to them, there’s nothing I nor anyone else can do about it. I’m a psychologist, not a magician.
The harsh reality is that you have some choices to make. Tough, painful choices for codependent and trauma bonded individuals. Namely self-respect or abuse. End the relationship or accept the disordered person for who they are. What some personality disorder apologists refer to as practicing “radical acceptance.”
Is everyone who becomes involved with a narcissist, psychopath or borderline codependent?
Not all men and women who marry or date narcissists, borderlines, histrionics, sociopaths and psychopaths are codependent. Sometimes these emotional predators and bullies can fool people with good boundaries who are overall emotionally healthy. People who aren’t codependent, which begins in childhood, can become trauma bonded.It’s a different spin on a political trope. Not all trauma bonded people are codependent. But if you’re codependent you probably have trauma bond relationships.
Some characterologically disordered individuals are high-functioning. That doesn’t mean they’re not every bit as toxic as their low-functioning counterparts (i.e., the obvious human train wrecks). It means they’re better able to wear the mask of normalcy (i.e., being decent human beings) for longer periods of time when it suits them. For example, when they’re seeking social approval or are in the early love bombing or idealization stage of a relationship. Think Jekyll and Hyde.
Non-codependent people may get involved with the personality disordered, but they’re much quicker to end the relationship and less likely to agonize about ending it once the narcissist removes her or his human suit and reveals the alien lizard creature that lurks within. Here’s the difference:
Healthy Hal: I stopped seeing that woman I met on Tinder. She interrogated me about my female friends on Facebook and wanted to know why I hadn’t changed my relationship status yet on our second date. Psycho.
Codependent Connie: He says he doesn’t want a committed relationship, but I think he’s just afraid of intimacy because he’s been burned so many times. I try not to take it personally when he says he’ll call and doesn’t or shows up at my place at 2am after a night of drinking. He just doesn’t know what it’s like to be with a woman who really loves him. He’ll change.
Healthy people don’t tolerate abuse and call it love. Healthy people don’t want to have relationships with children in adult bodies. Healthy people don’t tolerate being manipulated and exploited and think it’s okay or normal. Healthy people don’t stay in relationships out of fear, obligation and guilt. Codependent and trauma bonded people do.
So what’s going on in the Codependent – Personality Disordered pairing?
Mutual mommy and daddy issues.
Perhaps there are some codependents and personality disordered individuals who don’t have mommy and daddy issues, but for simplicity’s sake let’s agree that they’re the exception and not the rule. Narcissists and borderlines typically couple with codependents or other disordered individuals and tend to raise new generations of narcissists, borderlines, sociopaths and codependents.
The children of narcissists, borderlines and psychopaths who grow up to be codependent are usually parentified as kids. Parentification is a role reversal between parent and child in which the child becomes the emotional caretaker of the parent, or acts as the caretaker of other siblings instead of the parent. Parentified children can be used as a surrogate spouse (including co-sleeping with the parent as late as adolescence — ick, ick, ick!). Parentified kids become their parents’ confidante, therapist, mediator or peace keeper between the parents.
A parentified child may be the projected ego ideal for the parent (e.g., mothers who enter young girls in beauty pageants, parents who are obsessed with their kids being star athletes, cheerleaders, models, actors, etc.) in which they vicariously hope to achieve through the child what they weren’t capable of achieving for themselves regardless of whether or not the child has the aptitude or interest in these pursuits. If the parentified child doesn’t perform the way the parent wants, the parent withholds love, approval and acceptance. The child is rewarded or avoids punishment by participating in their parentification and, in some cases, emotional and physical incest.
In case it still isn’t clear: The parentified child receives “love” for participating in their own abuse. They receive “love” for taking on adult responsibilities and not showing anger, resentment or hurt while being abused and after being abused. Although, some especially abusive parents enjoy seeing their children’s hurt and terror, but the child better not show anger or hurt afterwards, or in anyway hold their sick parent accountable.
If you were a parentified child who became a codependent adult, you probably learned very early in life that your emotional needs and overall well-being were secondary (at best) to your parent(s). In extreme cases, I’ve asked clients, “So what makes you happy?” They don’t know beyond finding ways to make their abusive narcissist, borderline or psychopath partner happy and avoiding disappointing or making them angry. All impossible tasks, by the way.
Codependents often confuse abuse and exploitation with love. If you grew up making excuses for your parent(s) it’s not surprising that you do the same for abusive adult spouses, boyfriends and girlfriends. Codependents are the people pleasing, rescuing, nice guy/nice gal, professional caregiver types who are the first to offer help, but rarely if ever ask for help or support for yourselves. In other words, you’re perfect targets for narcissists, borderlines, psychopaths and other abusive predators.
What are narcissists, borderlines, histrionics and psychopaths seeking in a relationship?
Narcissists, borderlines, histrionics and psychopaths aren’t looking for a parent in the true sense of the word. They don’t want a loving, nurturing adult who implements rules, structures, boundaries and consequences. They’re looking for a parentified child. A servant, an enabler, an emotional wet nurse, housekeeper, cook, breadwinner, emotional (or physical) punching bag, day laborer, scapegoat and personal assistant who has neither power nor a voice in the relationship.
These perpetual toddlers, teens and tweens want the “perfect” mommy or daddy who will love them unconditionally, even when they’re cruel, selfish, self-absorbed, irrational, dishonest, unfaithful, financially irresponsible, abusive, violent or tries to have you arrested for telling them no or wanting a divorce (i.e., what the personality disordered call domestic violence).Borderlines, narcissists and psychopaths experience boundaries, accountability and consequences as control and abuse.
They want a mommy or daddy to adore them all the time and give them never-ending attention even when they’re ignoring mommy or daddy. For example, my narcissistic ex would spend hours on Facebook masturbating his ego (Like! Like! Like! Like! Oooh! Like! Ahh! Like! Oh! Like! Narc-gasm!) and expected me to sit there silently and adoringly watching him. If I went and did my own thing while he chased Likes, I was accused of “ignoring” him.
These individuals also want mommy or daddy to let them call the shots. In other words, they want mommy or daddy to let them, the child, be in charge of everything. Finances, reality, the actual children. Alternately, if they don’t want to control the money or the kids, they don’t want any responsibility in terms of living within the family budget, educating or childhood development. You’re supposed to take care of everything, so they don’t have to do anything. Just the fun stuff. I’ve seen both extremes. The real sick stuff is when they experience sibling rivalry with their children.
If you’re a codependent, you’re most likely attracted to narcissistic, borderline and sociopathic adult partners because of their similarities to your parent(s). In the love bombing or idealization stage, you get what seems like the unconditional love, adoration and acceptance you didn’t get as children or only under specific conditions. For example, you sacrificed your well-being, identity, individuality, childhood, and wants and needs for mommy or daddy’s ego demands and pathology.
This is likely also why you fall so hard for the love bombing. Many of my clients state, “She or he seemed too good to be true. It felt like too much too soon.” But they wanted to believe so very badly and ignored their gut instincts and common sense. You may be quite clear that you don’t want an adult relationship with someone who’s like you borderline dad or narcissistic mom. Your toxic parents didn’t love bomb you, so why does it happen in the adult relationship iterations?
Narcissistic or borderline parents don’t have to love bomb their kids. Mothers and fathers have absolute power and control over their children from the day they’re born. They don’t have to seduce children because children are wired to trust their parents and see them as god-like. Exceptions to this are when a narcissistic or borderline parent love bombs a kid to triangulate them with the other parent or is running an alienation campaign for custody reasons.
Once you’re hooked and the narcissist’s mask falls away, you are, once again, face to face with your respective childhood monster. Parentified children may caretake their parents, but parentified children are not in control. Parentified children have no power. They have the illusion of power. For example, “If I can make mommy/daddy happy, do everything right and never disappoint make her/him angry, she/he will love me.”
This isn’t power. It’s magical thinking and a comforting lie parentified children and other abused children tell themselves. And, if you’re codependent, it’s the same lie you likely tell yourself about your narcissistic or borderline partner.
Narcissistic wives or husbands expect their partners to sacrifice their own well-being and dance attendance on them. They behave like children and demand to be indulged like spoiled children. Codependents comply hoping to go back to the idealization stage or to avoid their anger, emotional withdrawal or silent treatment. You may clean up the narcissist’s messes, subsidize the psychopath’s schemes and soothe the borderline’s non-stop dysregulating emotions, but you’re not in control and you have no power.
The narcissist, borderline and psychopath will never grow up, but you can. And you do it by taking back your personal power. Pssst! Hint, hint: Boundaries, self-care and grief work.
If your parent(s) have characterological pathology, that’s where the grief work begins. If you don’t heal those original wounds and do the grief work of childhood, you’ll likely continue to repeat the self-destructive pattern of relationships with disordered partners. If you can give yourself what your mom and dad didn’t, you’ll no longer seek it from narcissistic, borderline and psychopathic mates who are no more capable of giving that to you than your dysfunctional parents were.
Counseling, Consulting and Coaching with Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD
Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD helps individuals work through their relationship and codependency issues via telephone or Skype. She specializes in helping men and women trying to break free of an abusive relationship, cope with the stress of an abusive relationship or heal from an abusive relationship. She combines practical advice, emotional support and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Schedule a Session page for professional inquiries.
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Hello Dr. Tara.
Loved the crazy mother and broken Angelina Jolie look alike pic a lot and also these which made my day. Haha! :-D： change a rattlesnake into a golden retriever, Healthy Hal, Codependent Connie, They’re
looking for a parentified child — a
servant, an enabler, an emotional wet nurse, housekeeper, cook, breadwinner, emotional (or physical) punching bag, day
laborer, scapegoat and personal assistant who has neither power nor a voice in the relationship, narcissistic ex would spend hours on Facebook masturbating his ego ( Like! Like! Like! Like! Oooh! Like! Ahh! Like!
Oh! Like! Narc-gasm! ) and expected me to sit there silently and adoringly watching him. If I went and did my own thing while he chased Likes, I was accused of “ignoring” him, Pssst! Hint, hint: Boundaries and self-care.
Most of this post reminded me of myself and how bad a codependent I have been. I tried to find love always in the wrong places, women who resembled my parent in every way. I used to get attracted to people who were abusers I mean people who will abuse me when I fail to make them happy. The woman once I loved so much had almost all the characteristics of my parent. I am a religious person not overly religious and at one point I even thought that leaving her will be a great sin and I should do what God has told me to, that is take care of an insane woman for the rest of my life. She was so good at first, always trying to shower love over me then as the days passed her real self began to come up. She is four years older than me and she suffers from an incurable genetic skin disease which I came to know about much later. Her skin condition gets worse somedays and a normal guy will fear to look at her face when the red plaques and scales will begin to show up. But for me she was the most beautiful woman. She used to cry in the office whenever I didn’t pay much attention to her. But the way she abused me sometimes in front of everyone made me think, is she playing with me? of course she was. I cried one morning prayed to God and said to Jesus if this woman is what you had for me then let her be, I will always take care of her and be there for her no matter what happens and when the day came I finally proposed to her she abused me in front of everyone, called me crazy, and when I asked why did you did that? and that and that?, wasn’t that all because you had feelings for me?, and she said NEVER. I cried, said sorry, promised never to disturb again. Few days later again she began luring me with her stupid crazy tactics like staring with tearful eyes, but this time I didn’t give in and she left the job. Changed her fb present living place to a city about 50 miles away, and I saw her many times in the same city, and once she saw me and kept staring at me like a wolf stares at it’s prey but I didn’t stop. So after 2 years of not sharing anything publicly on fb she started sharing things related to me, even sharing posts of people whose name are the same as mine. I don’t use fb and deleted my real a/c more than a year ago, but I did went to see how she was doing a few months back, and what I found is she is insanely trying to bring back my memories of the days when I tried to make her happy. So it’s been more than a month I deleted my fb fake account and promised myself that I wouldn’t go back no matter what because even today she tries to hurt me with her fb memes, posts and shit. I have a social networking a/c on other website and I created that a/c a year ago to see if she was following me and guess what my view counts keep on rising even if I have not yet made a single friend on that a/c to this day. Anything I share on that a/c I get a similar or opposite response on her fb timeline, for example if I write the word ‘positive’ she will write ‘negative’, now am I crazy?? absolutely not but I will go crazy if I go any further. As much I’ve read she’s more of a quite borderline type that means she’s suicidal, so the best thing I can do is to hide my life as much as possible from her because I don’t want to be the reason for her doing anything stupid for something I never did. I didn’t ever got too close to her then why is she getting so attached to me the answer is really simple, She is Crazy!
Anyway Thank you Dr. Tara you saved my life just with your sacred words.
God bless you and have a beautiful day. 🙂
And I forgot to thank you for introducing a new word, ‘Narc-gasm!’ 😀
OooLaLaa…. NarcSissy 2 takes the stage when NarcSissy1 is absent. At the breakfast table she floated her own disheveled frumpy appearance as as topic of conversation…. fishing for reassurance. She carried on with extensive and highly important planning about how, where, when she would begin making some brownies, or a cake, or some dammed thing, evidently The Most Important Thing, for a family get together, soon, imminently… if she could get some attention first. No talk of world or national news could break her stride.
Nor did she think to inquire about interesting subjects in anyone else’s life…….
A short while later her daughter (a newly minted adult) appeared for breakfast, smartly dressed for the gathering later that day.
We all know what happened next…. Mommy pounced…. “Aren’t you dressed a little too fancy for a day at a cottage on a lake?” She rationalized
with faux-reasoning about kayaking, volleyball, and “just thinking” her daughter would not want to get her nice clothes dirty.
As if daughter were not an adult now, capable of deciding how to present herself. As if Mommy was not simply jealous, controlling, and embarrassed.
I convulsed… could not help myself… “Aren’t you a little critical for a parent?” Her husband winced. Apparently, my tolerance for this BS is at an all time low. Good. For. Me. I finished my coffee (black) and headed out the door for some exercise.
I left my wife after almost 10 years of being together. She would do the same crap, and I used to get upset. Her son won’t speak. If he does, then she corrects him and tells people what he thinks. I started asking her if she actually talked with him, and would say yes. I’d say ‘..really?’ And then she’d say ‘well no, but I know what he’s thinking!’ She seriously has no empathy whatsoever. She thinks the world is exactly the same as her… I asked her to read BPD traits, and she said everyone was like that! That’s when I finally snapped out of my illusion. It took me a while, but I finally got away from mine with my life intact. The last argument, she grabbed a knife and I had to grab the blade with my bare hands and I took it and ran outside before she could hurt herself or me! I was barefooted with blood dripping down my hands and I swear that she was going to stab me. I even went back after that… But it just got even crazier! I just finally said screw it lol. I got my things and now I’m at my parents house. She is so delusional, that she thinks I want her back. I told her that I am through. The first time she left, I was done, and now that she came back and I had to leave my own house to avoid her insanity! I was forever gone. She will never see my ass again until court. I turned off MY PARENTS’ phones so she couldn’t taunt me. She was complaining that I was controlling her with the phones, and I told her lol, I didn’t want to talk to you! She said they were marital property, but I don’t own them. My father put us on his plan, and she seriously doesn’t even understand that just holding the phone in her hand doesn’t make it her’s… I tried to be civil, but she had to go psychotic, even in front of her own kids and 7 year old niece, which they brought to the house to cause a fight… That was insane. After seeing how she doesn’t even care about how she hurts her own kids… I don’t love her at all. That was so disgusting to me that I’m ashamed I even was a part of it. I was hurt by neglect as a child, and seeing her disregard for their mental health gave me the resolve to say screw this. Thank God that I didn’t have a kid with her! I’m going to take this knowledge that’s on this site and learn to have a healthy relationship for once in my life! I’m done being with unhealthy people because I like to be needed. I’m going to therapy now, and I’m divorcing her forever. I’m still young, and I make good money for my age. If she didn’t waste it all, we’d be well off. She is in for a rude awakening when I’m gone. Idc if I even hear about it because I told the two mutual friends that we have to never speak her name again. The only people that support her are her 4 disordered friends and sister. They’re all the same kind of crazy. It’s like a flock of insane chickens running around yelling at each other. It’s crazy lol.
“flock of insane chickens”….. that’s priceless.
Hi Tara,
I found your articles essential in helping me through a difficult break up with a narcissist woman. Thnak you so much ! Notably, the textbook descriptions of behaviour pattern, which were identical to what I went through: love bombing and then devaluation. I ended the relationship after 8 months: 2 months of paradise, followed by 6 months of increasing bouts of out-of-nowhere anger, false accusations, insults, even humiliation. When I called her out on this stuff, fed up of walking on eggshells, she did exactly as I read in your articles: she denied it ! And then blamed ME, for it all ! She did, once in while, admit being “a bit over the top”, but nothing more.
For a while I didn’t know what the hell was going on, I was waiting for my angel to come back, but she never came back, at least not for long periods of time, just enough to revive hope… When I broke up with her, she told me I was a manipulator, a liar and a stupid ! What ? Not one second of self analysis, no self relfection at all, nothing ? Again, just like the descriptions you provided ! I just couldn’t believe that this beautiful woman, that I fell in love with, would betray me like that, without any remorse ! How could that be ? I know now that it’s because she is a sick individual, and I walked right in her trap… But it was not quite over.
About a week after the break up, I went on the dating site we met on, to check on one of her threats: on our last exchange, she threatened to put her profile back on the dating site, right then and now ! At first, I thought she was bluffing beacuse she was pissed at me. But no. There she was, her profile back up on the site, complete with a beautiful photo of her THAT I TOOK during the love bombing days ! The guy she is smiling at in the phto is ME ! I was stunned ! Who is that woman that I gave 8 months of my life to ? I realized I did not know her at all, in spite of every romantic moments we shared, that woman was like a stranger ! But still, I did not get the picture yet, I still had hope.
After 2 months of No Contact ( at least I got that part right !), I was starting to soften up: wouldn’t it be nice if she came to her senses, I thought, and apologized for her rude behaviour, and maybe offered to start a real therapy, so as to give us a chance as a couple ? We were supposed to meet up after a couple of months anyway, to give back the personal belongings we left at each other’s place. I was starting to imagine that this magic turnaround had a small chance of really happening. Of course it never happened, but my brain was still caught in the love cloud, and even everything she did, I was still hoping to get her back.
When the realization came that it was definitely over, that’s when I went emotional, and relieved all the good stuff between us, like a mental slide show of our best moments. I was crushed ! This went on for days; then, I felt physically disguted with my ex girlfriend, for the sick love ride she had me on; then it was anger, I was angry as hell, to the point of having tears of rage, which I had never had before in my life. After that, I realized that if she preyed on me, it’s because I probably had a weakness to exploit. With the help of a good therapist, I discovered that as a child, I never really had the attention I craved from my parents because they worked like dogs and were exhausted by the time they got home, often fighting with each other, to the point of physical violence. The kind of extraordinary loving attention my ex-girlfriend gave me during the love bombing period was like a deep, deep buried secret desire coming true. Somehow, this beautiful, loving, sexy and exciting woman was letting me know that everything would be alright, that I had found, at long last, the person who would provide the kind of attention I never really had as a child. How the hell she was able to sniff that out, I can’t figure it out. All I know is that these women are really deranged and sick individuals. Anyway, I am that much wiser now, and when I am ready, after building myself up again, I will date again, but with definetely more set boundaries. Thanks so much, Tara.
I just left my wife today after she left three days ago, but showed up today and demanded I leave to let her get things. I called the cops, and in my state, you can’t legally seperate. I said ok, then I’m getting the hell out of this crazy family now! I got my tv, my ps4 and my cat. (The only thing in there that loved me other than the kids…) I am done being manipulated with guilt because I have nothing to be guilty for! Not after I’ve already worked out my issues and she is just constantly being hurtful by making fun of the fact that I used to have issues… I have gone no contact, and I will the rest of my life. She even told her kids twisted stuff because wanted them to hate me because they liked how I cared for everyone. She is grooming them to be selfish. It’s sick, and I refuse to ever be a part of anything that horrible again! I just feel shame for not going sooner, but better late than never!
Dr. T:
It wasn’t until I had a session with my own therapist and found out about the abused, neglected inner child who had an incident that kicked off the being trained as a good little codependent/slave/clone to a uBPD/uNPD mother and uNPD father that I always had a way of ending up in relationships with a special flavor of uBPDs: sexual abuse and sexual assault survivors who did NOT want to be in therapy or treated for any emotional or psychological trauma they experienced as a result of said abuse. Of course, the parental abuse from a Cluster B personality disorder still applies as well. They’re perfect and I’m the defective one (because, you know, being told that from your parents in the dysfunctional family roles doesn’t help!)
Borderlines: the gift that keeps on giving you headaches.
Ya, I was always told how I was the only one causing all the problems. She took advantage of my insecurities from childhood and about 5-7 years ago due to alcoholic parents (that are now healthy and goto AA!) and the fact that we did get in physical confrontations over 5 years ago. My first warning sign should have been her extreme paranoia. She used to think her ex was outside looking at us, and he had friends doing it. If I wasn’t so stupid back them and on drugs, then I would have ran like hell! At least now I’m off all those drugs enough to realize when she is actually being manipulative and abusive to me. Me having issues over half a decade ago doesn’t give her the right to hate me forever! I offered to goto marriage counseling and she always was sick… So she left 3 days ago, and she came back today. So I called the cops, got my shit, and I ran so fast that I have blisters lol. I got my cat, my PlayStation and my tv. That’s all I need. That psycho isn’t controlling me using my love for her kids anymore because I now realize that me being there and dealing with her abuse or arguing back actually hurt them more! That’s what I’m really ashamed of tbh. That I didn’t leave sooner. I hope I didn’t let those poor kids see too much abuse and rage. I hate to have to leave them all, but she lied and told them I wanted to kill them. So they’re scared of me anyway. Luckily we don’t have kids together. (A miscarriage that j used to mourn, but I seriously think God was throwing me a bone now because I really am a caring soul…) I used to be selfish and all these horrible things. I felt and still feel guilt from that even years after I did it, and that sick bitch used it and my love for others to trick me into staying. She also tried to lie about my friends like claiming my best friend Jeff tried to touch her. (He has a lot of issues, and he committed suicide now. The fact that she claimed that made me so mad, but I’ve learned that anger is just covering my hurt. It hurt me because he was the only friend that I ever actually loved like a brother…) She can say whatever at trial. Idc. I told her to claim abuse because then I could get out in 6 months instead of a year in my state! She works and can’t get alimony. Everything in that house is garbage to me, and I’ll tell the lawyer that I just want my cat and my ps4 and tv, and that she can take it all. She thinks she is financially responsible somehow, but she never paid a single bill… I also found out today that she lied about her father abusing her. Her older brother said that he slapped him one time when he told his dad that he’d kick his ass. She was just a spoiled baby tbh. I also noticed that I got a crazy look when I told her friend that I trusted her… Ever since I read this site and about this disorder, I’ve noticed every red flag that you can imagine. I am just glad that I finally had the strength to leave. Now I can rebuild my life without some psycho constantly tryin to cut me down and hurt my self-esteem. The longer I’m away from her, the more I start to realize just how insane she was! I was getting healthier and healthier, and I swear she resented me for it! The healthier I got, the more she would insult me and cause drama. Well now she can ruin those poor kids alone because I refuse to ever get back with someone who can’t even go to marriage counseling when BOTH PARENTS ARGUE. All the arguments were always my fault and only I needed help… Ya right, lol. I know my emotional issues and I have no problem admitting them! Crazy people don’t know their crazy… That’s my wife (soon-to-be-ex yay!) to a T…
I am a codependent that was emotionally neglected as a child by both parents, who at the time were alcoholics. (Now, they’ve both gotten help, and it set a great example for me to snap out of my drug addiction, and I finally decided to look around for help on my codependency too.) I just finally left my emotionally abusive wife, who I’m guessing has BPD/NPD, because she is seriously crazy! I work all the time, and everyday I come home, I know she will start a fight or insult me and walk out the door. Worst of all, she does this intentionally around her own two kids!! I recently snapped out of this funk when I noticed her 16 year old daughter was befriending people that were emotionally abusive to her. She idolized me because I was the only parent who ever loved those kids unconditionally! I repressed my feelings because I was a coward for so long. Is try to leave and she’d threaten to call the police because I abused her, she’d threaten to take the kids away, she act innocent after gas lighting, and everything else these crazies do…
10 years ago, we met when we both had severe drug abuse issues. I pitied her and mistook it for love. I have been blamed for her rage at her own kids for not performing perfect, and I text her ‘I want to talk about the data on the phone bills when you guys get back baby. My mom is paying for it and we can’t keep going over it.’, and she’d get home and throw a fit claiming I wanted to hurt her! When we first got together, I was a weak human. I would repress my anger with her actions, and I finally snapped a few times about 3 years into our marriage and I pushed her. This immediately set off a huge physical confrontation, and it’s been a nightmare ever since. I have been going to therapy for years, and she used this against me to hurt my self-worth constantly. Every fight we ever got in was my fault, even if she ran around angry telling me how shitty of a father I am to HER 2 kids, and I never once even raised my voice to them! She claimed that I would hit her daughter just recently for 5 years… That’s what made me finally say, this both is crazy… The kids never once were ever abused or hit by me, and I started reading this site.
I found out that, while I have issues, I actually realize what they are! I finally put my foot down three weeks ago, and I told her I was leaving unless we got COUPLES counseling. She was sick of course on the appt date… I felt bad for her childhood abuse, but I recently found out from her older brother that she was never even abused!!! 3 days ago I told her to get out of the house or I’m leaving. I was at work, and she said she was scared that I was going to come home and assault her even though I had been telling her that I loved her and I wanted us to get help for OUR anger issues. She left, and she has turned even more insane ever since. She started calling mutual friends and saying that I threw her out physically, and I just told her that I would leave unless she did…Today, she demanded for me to leave the house for her to get things, and I told her no. I don’t trust her anymore to not just start breaking stuff or steal my cat because she told me ‘maybe if I took Gizmo, THEN you’d be sorry!’ This was after 3 days if me apologizing for abuse from 7 years ago… She cold shouldered me the whole time. I finally said, I hate you for how you’ve been angry so long, and you blame it all on me! I am actually very healthy for about a year now after I cleaned up and went to therapy, but after I started reading this site, I realized that she doesn’t love me at all. She wouldn’t even say I love you, never apologized for a single rage fit, (even at her own children…) and she never once opened up emotionally like I asked.
I just realized today, that she never loved me to begin with. I told her that I wanted space, and she harassed me on my PARENT’S cell phones that they gave us. I turned hers off so I couldn’t get yelled at, and she stole her kids and started pretending to be them… So I turned one off and told her to stop texting me. These aren’t our phones, my parents gave us these to help, and you’re using it to abuse me… I told her I didn’t even want to see her!
Well, that finally set it off. She wanted to ‘get some things while I was gone’. I told her no, I was going to have a police present during all interactions from now on. I asked her what time she wanted to come, and she said 8pm. I said ok, I’ll have an officer here then. She said ‘no! You won’t leave and you’ll harass us! And I’m not going in your time schedule!’ I was like wow… I asked her what time, and she accuses me of controlling her lol. She showed up at 9pm when I left for 5 mins to go to the store. She had to be waiting down the street… I called the cops and stayed on the phone in my car while ahe was screaming in the front yard and she BROUGHT HER KIDS. Her crazy ass sister brought her 7 year old daughter… What sick fucks bring kids over to marital disputes??? I told the cop that if she wanted to stay there, that I was getting my shit and cat, and I was never coming back, lol. She asked him if she can call the cops if I’m peeking in the Windows… I just laughed and said, ‘first off, i never want to see her again. Secondly, I will always have a witness and alibi until this divorce is over, and third, that any false charges will require me to press charges for them. I never want to see or hear her voice until court, and then I’m gone!’ After that, I got my shit, and I took the opportunity to run as fast as I could. She claimed she had hours of footage of abuse and all kinds of insanity, and I told her to do me a favor, rush this divorce through and take the house for me. You can’t afford it, and I don’t want it by myself. She makes like $500 a month and I pay for everything minus her car insurance… She is really like a child, and after reading this website, I understand that she doesn’t love me at all. She wants a man who works and just lets her rage and hate all day. Her daughter corrects her now, and she blame that on me… NO, she is being hateful, and even a 16 year old girl knows that it’s wrong to call people anorexic or fat or names at all!
I am so done with this crazy. I cut off all MY PARENTS phones. I got my few things and went to a loving home again. I told the kids that I’m sorry, but this is what you do if a parent won’t get help for their rage because I’m going to therapy tomorrow. She immediately screamed about how she isn’t sick, I am. (Because emotionally healthy people rage over a sentence apparently…) I have more patience than she could ever know. I have been repressing my feelings about how she abusers everyone around me, and after this website showed me that I was just as bad for enabling not it, then I couldn’t stay there at all because I can’t do that now that I know I’m hurting ppl by being complacent.
I’m done being a coward! I know I have issues. I don’t ignore them because I want to be a better person! I tried to ask her to join me in healing our marriage, and the hate that I got back was insane. I realized that I can’t help her or her kids. I’m done helping her at all, and I will gladly give her everything just to start over without that craziness in my life. I found out that she wasn’t even abused, she lied about a ton of stuff, and she even told her kids hateful things because they were attached to me. She manipulates those poor kids and is literally teaching them to act like assholes. So I’m to the point where I can’t contact them either. I’ve finally just said that enough is enough! If you won’t get help, then I’m leaving and I’m doing it alone! I supported 4 people and I can take care of myself for once in my life. I’m done feeling guilty when she wont do anything to change. She followed me around pushing into me while I was getting my stuff to annoy me, and I just told her that I didn’t care, but I did not allow her to get in a room with me without the officer present because she would have started screaming and accusing me of hitting her. She tries to control me with threats and every emotionally abusive manipulation tactic that there is, and when I straight up asked her if she realized how much she’s been hurting me emotionally, she looked like she didn’t even know that was possible! She’s insane, and I feel dumb for even staying this long. I’m just glad that the kids got to see that a real man will not be manipulated into letting an angry mother fight around her children. I’m glad they finally saw what you do with a bully! You don’t hit them or sink to their low, you just leave them and don’t let them ever hurt you again! I will never in my life be complacent around a person who is emotionally abusing their kids. Tbh, I don’t care that much about me because I can move on and I now realize what she was doing. I don’t pity myself, but I pity those kids. I can’t do a thing and I am thinking that I may have to even remove them from Facebook because that psycho pretends to be them with the messenger… I hate to have to straight up disappear after 10 years, but she won’t get better until she hits bottom. I thought me leaving would be it, but now I see that she has way to many enablers. Her mom and sister are the same way, and the only friend she has is even worse lol. The guys that she called that hang with me, blocked her because she started trying to get them involved against me! I told her idc about her anymore. What she did to those kids and me was sick. Telling them that the father figure they adored for showing them real love (with no anger ever!) was really abusing them was twisted. They’re going to grow up thinking that people with love in their hearts are evil, and manipulative and emotionally abusive people are really good! I can’t save them, and I can’t save her. I finally decided to protect myself because I know I’m a great person! I helped so many people before she sucked up my entire life serving her, and I told her I was never coming back to her just like I said. She is lazy and I finally got her working 9 months ago because I’ve been planning to leave a while. Before that she worked part time, and when she quit, she tried to not work at all! I’m glad that I got out of there without any negative police reports of abuse by me, without her not having a job, and with me still alive. I told her that idc about any of that junk because I paid for 4 people, and I will just rebuild my life right this time. I will never fall for that sick love bombing again. The second I pointed out her tricks, the beast came out. So guys, if you want to know if she’s crazy, just ask her to goto therapy together. The real crazies know they’ll be found out, and they will flip the hell out, lol. I’m going to counseling solo now because, unlike her, I actually do want to be a grown up… She used to fantasize about her grandfather who took the emotional abuse from her grandmother. She talked about how great a guy he was. That was recently, and that’s what made me realize that she didn’t want a healthy marriage. She wanted some sick caretaker who was a pushover. Well I’m not taking care of three kids that aren’t mine anymore! I can’t help any of them, and I’m divorcing this psycho. I’m changing my cell and work numbers, and I’m removing all mutual friends on Facebook. At this point, I don’t want to make it work. I want her gone. I’m angry all the time around her because I don’t like her complete lack of empathy, and I’m actually a very caring guy! Myers-Briggs type is ENFP, and I can’t deal with being with a wife who constantly insults others for everything. She is filled with hate, and it’s making me hate ppl too! I’m done letting her affect me. The only time I’ll ever see her is in court, and I hope she asks to take over house payments. I don’t want to have to bother selling the thing lol. She seriously told me how she offered to pay $600 a month on the mortgage! I was just amazed. The beast that was inside doesn’t even know what’s real and what’s not. I was just addicted to drugs and had emotional issues. That bitch is seriously insane. She always acts like I’m the one that was making her miserable. I told her that when she’s alone and miserable and broke, that I’ll be happy and have a healthy marriage. Thanks for showing me why to not ever believe love bombing again! And thanks to this site for giving me the strength to leave!
Dr. Tara,
Even though your site is for men it has helped me understand a lot and helped me hopefully save my children from a bad situation. I think my ex husband is a sociopath that has fallen in love with and trapped with another child by a borderline. Good luck to them both. He was physically abusive to me in front of my kids in our marriage and I have been fighting in court for four years to protect my kids. He turned to emotional abusing my daughter to the point of suicide and cutting. Her therapist was concerned if I did not do anything now to get her help she could develop a personality disorder. She is 13 and spent six month in an intensive inpatient treatment center for kids with attachment issues and complex trauma. She is home now and is managing medication well, she was actually diagnosed with high functioning autism but she has worked extremely hard on her trauma issues as well as her social skills and has joined the civil air patrol in our community and is thriving on the high structure it provides and the positive influence and character development. It’s great to see her have a passion again for life and able to cope and express her wants and needs appropriately. The irony to all of this is that after a year and a half of taking emotional abuse and threats from my ex and his girlfriend karma came through. For all the messages I received from him telling me I was mentally ill and needed to kills myself over 150 emails my attorney helped me with a plan that would keep my kids safe and monitor him. At the courthouse he brought the girlfriend who was acting so emotionally unstable they needed deputies outside to monitor. Later I heard that someone overheard my ex and his attorney talking and I think for the first time ever he had his own attorney tell him his behavior is crazy, what he’s done and his girlfriend is crazy and if he doesn’t agree to the settlement our judge most likely won’t allow our children around him again and that HE needs help. We stipulated to him giving me sole legal and physical custody of the kids and six months supervised visits by a mental health professional. He had to go into open court on the record and say he believed it was in the best interests of the kids that he be supervised with them and submit to a mental evaluation. I almost couldn’t believe what I was seeing. As for the borderline girlfriend….after he left court with his attorney myself and mine stayed back a moment to allow them to be out of the way when I exited and she literally jumped out of her seat and came right at me and at the last moment practically attacked my attorney and was ranting and raving and screaming inside the courtroom while the judge was still sitting there to watch it all and the supervising therapist witnessed it as well. So far before it even starts they have strikes against them for my children ever being allowed in their home. The therapist told me she’s actually now afraid for my kids safety with her for going off like that in a courtroom with no awareness of who was around to watch that display of crazy. Now I absolutely believe what these men have been through. My kids and I have been in therapy for four years learning how to cope with crazy. Now we’re hoping to move forward. I doubt he will follow through but I am glad my kids will have the opportunity to confront him in a safe environment and get the closure they need to understand that nothing is their fault, nothing is wrong with them and that dad has the disorder they cannot change but should not have to put up with. He has threatened them with abandonment so many times I’m just glad that when he finally does he won’t have the control of leaving after making them feel rotten and unwanted but they are in control instead of themselves and knowing it was never their issue. I wasn’t going to allow him to project his feelings of being abandoned by his parents into them. He will have to deal with his stuff. Not them.
A few years ago, my relationship with my child from an entrapment pregnancy with, you guessed it, a borderline, fell apart after his mom alienated him against me during a child support case. I realized the situation was having a very negative impact on me, my (current) wife and our son. With the guidance of a psychologist who specializes in working with the victims of borderlines, I decided it was time to move on and start to heal from years of fear, obligation and guilt. It meant ending the relationship with my son.
The question that kept jumping in to my head was, “How did I get involved with such a woman?” I knew there was something wrong with her. She was lying and manipulating before she got pregnant. Why did I let her in my life? Why, after I realized she had entrapped me, did I continue to take responsibility for her behavior? Why did I feel guilt? Over time, the therapist and I talked about my relationship with my mother, which was a source of great pain for me. At first, I thought my mother and the situation with my son were unrelated, but over time, I realized my mother was the answer to all my questions.
I can’t say if my mother has a personality disorder, but I can say she was a difficult and mercurial woman who portrayed her emotional abuse as love. I can also say I was her target of blame. My father suffered with mental issues and wasn’t in any position to fight back against her, though he was frequently my ally. To challenge my mother was to experience her wrath. I never learned how to create boundaries because love and responsibility were so confused for me.
The breakthrough that this realization has given me has been freeing. My relationship with the son I have with my wife has never been better. Eventually, when my son from the borderline is away from her, I will attempt to have a relationship with hi. When I do, I’ll be in a much healthier place. Today, I’m getting better and better at not reacting emotionally, while creating boundaries. It’s not easy, but eventually a person can change.
Thanks as usual for a great article.
I am very concerned that I have taught my son to be codependent. His birth mother was crazy in all the ways you describe. And I stayed with her for 10 long and dark years 7of those while he was alive.
I think I learned codependency from my own mother’s issues with substance abuse although I can’t be sure. I was the younger child and my sister (I think) was more parentified than I was. I know I grew up to enter into relationship after relationships where she (partner) was needing rescuing. The patteren culminated with my ex wife who was a train wreck of crazy. My wife (2nd and not crazy) and I were able to get my son back by the time he was 9. I worry that I modeled such bad behavior to him for staying with his birth mother for so long. He was not (that I’m aware of) parentified as he too was the youngest. I guess what I’m asking is this, is codependentancy a learned behavior that can come from observing a parent (me) being a willing partner in their own abuse?