If you are or have been in a relationship with a borderline (BPD), a narcissist (NPD) or a psychopath, at some point you’ve undoubtedly been told (perhaps ad nauseum), “You need to love me unconditionally. I expect unconditional love from you.” If you’re like many of the men and women I work with, you probably grit your teeth and roll your eyes upon hearing the term “unconditional love,” but why? What’s wrong with love much less unconditional love? That sounds like a reasonable request from a spouse, boyfriend, girlfriend, family member or friend, right?
Wrong. It’s neither a reasonable request nor a reasonable demand.
First, we need to address how we define unconditional love and whether or not the unconditional love is reciprocal. If you’ve been in an abusive relationship with a woman or man who has narcissistic, borderline, histrionic or sociopathic traits, you know firsthand the breathtaking degree of entitlement, hypocrisy and double standards by which these individuals operate on a day-to-day basis.
What does unconditional love usually mean in relationship to a Narcissist, Borderline or other abusive personality type?
It means that you won’t hold the Narcissist, Borderline, Histrionic or Sociopath accountable for their bad behavior nor enforce appropriate boundaries and natural consequences for their bad behavior. Basically, they’ve confused unconditional love with you happily and obliviously tolerating their abuse of you and others, including children.
In fact, the mental health field has developed a term for tolerating the abuse of a personality disordered individual — radical acceptance. I have worked with many couples counseling refugees who have been sold this bill of goods. Specifically, spouses (typically husbands and boyfriends) are told by the couples therapist that:
- Their girlfriend’s or wife’s “behavior” (these therapists often won’t label the behavior by its technical term — abuse) is just a manifestation of her anxiety, childhood wounds or that wife or girlfriend is “testing” his love, etc., etc.
- That boyfriend or husband mustn’t take the “behavior” (abuse) personally nor must he have an appropriate emotional response to it (e.g., pain or anger), but rather be patient and loving in the face of wife’s or girlfriend’s ongoing abuse.
If you’re having this experience in couples counseling, I encourage you to consider finding another therapist. I cannot stress this strongly enough, therapists who advocate this form of radical acceptance are advocating abuse. Period.
This can happen to women who are the targets of a disordered male abuser, particularly if boyfriend or husband has been diagnosed with BPD (there are some therapists who are BPD apologists and enablers regardless of gender). In my experience, most therapists don’t encourage radical acceptance to women who are being abused by male partners. Although, I’ve worked with clients in lesbian relationships who have been encouraged to do so. Generally speaking, the mental health field has a difficult time admitting that women can be abusers, even when their victims are other women and children. Many wives and girlfriends of men with abusive exes and adult children of narcissistic and borderline mothers understand this all too well.
If you’re a man who thinks you might be working with this kind of couples therapist, or individual therapist for that matter, just ask him or her what they’d advise your wife or girlfriend if you were treating her like she treats you. You’ll most likely get a lot of double-talking, sidestepping and defensiveness. Why? Because they won’t admit they’d most likely to tell her to run for the nearest exit and get the heck away from you.
If for whatever reason you’re committed to staying with your abuser (e.g., there are minor children or you’re confusing abuse with love due to your own childhood issues) then, yes, you do need to accept that your abuser is unlikely to change in any meaningful way, that she or he is severely limited as a human being and, at some point after she or he has completely depleted your resources, you may be further vilified and discarded for fresh supply. You don’t get points for being a compliant martyr at the end of the relationship. You get blamed for being broken — never mind the fact that it’s the abuser who broke you with your consent (that is if you see your abuser for who she or he is).
In which case, please consider finding an individual therapist for your own individual support, to understand why you have chosen this kind of relationship and what keeps you in it. Furthermore, if the therapist who’s advocating radical acceptance isn’t holding your abuser accountable and addressing those behaviors, she or he is enabling the problem. Having a personality disorder isn’t a license to abuse without consequence despite what many diagnosed personality disordered individuals, therapists and BPD experts will tell you.
As you can see, the concepts of unconditional love and radical acceptance are frequently (ab)used in couples therapy to persuade targets of narcissistic, borderline and sociopathic abuse, particularly if the abuser is a female who has “emotional problems,” that you’re an unloving and abusive partner if you don’t unconditionally accept your partner’s abuse. If that last sentence makes your head spin, good. It should because it’s ridiculous. It also probably echoes what your narcissist or borderline has been drilling into your head, which is equally ridiculous.
In the context of adult relationships, unconditional love isn’t a reasonable expectation. Unconditional love is for children and animals, and even then there are limits.
For example, an aggressive dog who bites humans and other animals when there is no threat to the dog probably isn’t a good pet. When a child misbehaves or does something dangerous, do you smile at the child and tell her or him how much you love him, or do you explain why the behavior is wrong/unsafe and deliver a consequence? Yes, you still love the child, but you don’t “radically accept” or tolerate the bad behavior. Hopefully, if your parenting is consistent and loving and you’re dealing with a child who doesn’t have severe psychological issues, the child will grow and mature into a functioning, reasonable adult.
There are many problems in applying unconditional love to disordered abusive adult partners.
Disordered abusers typically split, meaning they view the world and people in black and white. They love you or they hate you. It’s extremely difficult if not impossible for them to both love you and feel angry with or hurt or disappointed by you at the same time (i.e., hate the sin, love the sinner). It seems to work like this, “If I feel good and you’re giving me everything I want and making me feel good about me, you are good and I love you. If I’m feeling bad (might not even have anything to do with you), or don’t give me what I want or make me feel bad about me (even by pointing out when I’ve done something hurtful to you), then you are bad.” In many ways, this is the way a toddler views the world and relationships. This is often an insurmountable problem in a relationship with an adult who reasons and feels this way.
Abusers often live on a one-way street paved with double standards. In other words they can be great big hypocrites who live by one set of rules for themselves and another set of rules for everyone else. It’s the It’s Different When I Do It defense. Does your narcissistic or borderline abuser typically offer you unconditional love and acceptance when you screw up (in external objective reality or in their internal subjective reality)? Or are you met with extreme attacks, criticism, shaming, guilt trips or physical violence?
There can be no healthy conflict resolution without personal accountability, remorse and redress. Because the narcissist, borderline and sociopath often experiences healthy and appropriate boundaries as “being controlled” and personal accountability and natural consequences for their behaviors as “abuse,” well, the problem should be quite evident. There’s rarely conflict resolution with these individuals, only capitulation, appeasement and pretending as if there’s not a giant elephant in the middle of the parlor. Instead of successfully addressing and resolving grievances and hurts, they multiply and eventually breed resentment and contempt.
Furthermore, if your abuser won’t admit fault and doesn’t feel remorse, she or he will continue to engage in the hurtful behaviors. Unlike a child, you can’t put an adult who acts out and lashes out into time out. If you take away her car or credit card, she can accuse you of domestic violence. Also, unlike children, your abuser is unlikely to grow out of this way of thinking and being. One of the Shrink4Men Forum moderators recently shared a quote from Ian Fleming’s Goldfinger that’s a helpful gauge in considering unconditional love, limits to love, forgiveness and boundaries:
“Once is happenstance; twice is coincidence; the third time it’s enemy action.” There are other variations of this attributed to earlier sources that are more relational in case enemy action seems too extreme. “Once is an accident, twice is a coincidence, three times is a habit;” or “Once is nothing, twice is coincidence, three times is a moral certainty.” Please consider committing whichever version is more palatable to you to memory and see if living by it yields better relationships and relationship partners.
There are limits to adult love relationships and abusers don’t respect the limits of others. Physical violence is a limit or, rather, it should be. Most women understand that if a man hits them or physically assaults them in some way it is time to pull the ripcord. I wish more men understood this and never cease to be amazed by the number of men who disclose serious physical assaults by their wives or girlfriends as if it’s no big thing. It’s a very big thing. Gents, if a woman engages in physical violence toward you, in addition to being wrong and abusive, it’s only a matter of time before there’s police involvement. Guess who’s more likely to be arrested even if you’re the one bruised and bleeding? Chronic dishonesty and cruelty should also be limits.
Most children behave badly because they don’t know better or they’re attention seeking. Abusive adults know better, but simply don’t care or don’t care enough to stop especially if behaving badly gets them what they want in the short-term. Even if they claim not to know better, it’s dubious. Narcissists and Borderlines are all too quick to point the finger when they believe they’re being treated unfairly or being victimized. Remember, they usually live on a one-way street paved with double standards. Also, if the NPD or BPD doesn’t treat their friends, colleagues, fellow church members and such the way they treat you, they know better.
The only thing that tolerating or accepting abuse will get you is more abuse. You can call that unconditional love, but it sure sounds more like codependence and extremely unhealthy codependence at that.
Counseling, Consulting and Coaching with Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD
Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD helps individuals work through their relationship and codependency issues via telephone or Skype. She specializes in helping men and women trying to break free of an abusive relationship, cope with the stress of an abusive relationship or heal from an abusive relationship. She combines practical advice, emotional support and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Schedule a Session page for professional inquiries.
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Hello Doctor Tara.
Doc is it not true that if men get treated for codependency then sure it’s possible to avoid falling into an abusive relationship again?
Today’s world is full of codependent men trying to save women in distress,trying to be the Superhero,The Messiah, trying to heal everything. I think codependents are mostly overly religious men believing in Karma. When men try to leave or leave a borderline, they feel a pain of guilt in the stomach and that voice in the head saying,”you left a poor woman, now who will take care of her? What if she went into the hands of a really really bad person? What if she became a hooker? What if she commited suicide? you will have to bear the consequences for your sins, As you sow so you reap”. These are just some of the many voices codependent men hear when leaving a relationship with a bpd.
I think the classic bpd are predictable as they attack in the same kind of seasonal cycles every time but the quite bpds they are unpredictable like the lightining from the sky, and it’s a quite lightining I mean a thunderbolt shot through a silencer. A quite bpd leaves without reason, may even not share their emotions, actually they need a telepath who could read minds and codependent men are the best candidates.
Anyway a bpd is a bully whether classic or quite. Some bpds share classic and quite traits and this makes them even more lethal. Just look at the games these bpd females have developed over the years like Guess my mood??!, Cold at night, Be my pet, Touch me not, DON’T let me trust you one more time etc.
If there are two Gods who created this universe then sure one is a borderline and the other a codependent.
Thank you for the post Doc it was such a delightful and humorous read. God Bless You. 🙂
TM,
The world is full of codependent people, men and women alike. Most codependents attract abusive disordered partners. Their issues dovetail. I disagree that most Codas are overly religious. They exist in all walks of life. Typically what makes a Coda is being born into a family in which one or both parents make you feel responsible for their well-being or withhold love and acceptance if you do not perform to their expectations and model dysfunction and abuse.
Again, there are many women Codas who have an equally difficult time leaving their abusive partners. In my work, the men don’t so much get guilted by outsiders re: ending the relationship, but rather they are guilted by their abusers and their own programming from childhood about putting your loved one first, having to be perfect to be loved, having poor or no boundaries, etc. Female Codas struggle with these same faulty beliefs, too.
Also, there are male BPDs who can be every bit as crazy-making and abusive as their female counterparts. I work with women and gay men who have been in relationships with them and they can be just as toxic.
This article was very helpful to me and so true-my experience in couples therapy with my now ex who I think had npd. The therapist told me that her rages were just her way of dealing with her childhood demons and while it wasn’t nice that she’d give me a black eye or gouge my arms with her nails, I should accept this as something she couldn’t control. She was the flailing octopus and I was the turtle. We did try a different couples therapist who called her on her behaviour (and recognized her periods of dissociation during therapy) leading to her dressing down that therapist as an amateur.
The most helpful thing for me has been recognizing I’m not alone in having been caught up in this kind of relationship.
Great article. It speaks to the very dilemma I face on a day to day basis; should I leave my BPD/ NPD wife of 12 years? The questions of am I doing enough to save my marriage or am I quitting too soon, always come to mind when I contemplate leaving. She has used every form of manipulation possible to make me question my motives but never hers. I’m always in the position of having a greater sense of accountability in comparison to her in our marriage.
Over the years, I have begun to realize that my wife has used my natural tendency to always look for the best in people as a tool to manipulate me into enduring her abuse. She has used my caring nature to guilt, shame and manipulate me into not getting my needs met in my marriage-and I fell for it. In the beginning I saw the signs but ignored them. It’s taken me so long to realize that I was in trouble that now I’m “really” in trouble. I’m overweight, can’t keep a job and am despondent about my future, which was not the case when I first met. She believes there is no correlation to my gradual degradation in attitude towards my life and her abusive behavior. After doing much research, I discovered that I am a codependent and an empath. These two combinations make me the perfect source of BPD/ NPD supply.
She claims to be seeing a therapist once a week but I don’t know if she’s being honest about that. In 12 years, she may have attended 6 months of individual/ couples counseling. Typically when I’m feeling better about our relationship (reset) after a period of turmoil (crazy) she stops therapy. That let me know that she doesn’t think she really has a problem and it’s only a tool to manipulate me. She’ll manufacture an excuse like “not having time” or “it’s too expensive” although she’s an avid shopper which require both time and money.
I used to think that if I just focused on my own life than I would be able to deal with her better and her behavior would have a lesser impact on me. I was so wrong in that way of thinking. Focusing on my own happiness made her angry and even more aggressive. I understand now that I am dealing with the “top of the food chain” as far as emotional predators go. My analogy regarding my marriage is “rather than fight with a Great White shark, a better plan is to just get out of the water”.
Initially, my thought was to build myself up (self esteem, finances, physical condition, etc…) while still being in my marriage but I see now that will not work. My wife is threatened by any form of success that she can’t take credit for or be apart of so I face her constant aggression and resistance. My only option would be to leave. We have kids together so that complicates matters since going no contact is not an option. I know I have no other options but to leave be use dealing with this “crazy” has killed a large part of my mind and spirit. All I have left to lose is my physical life. I just can’t let that happen. I deserve a good life and my kids need me.
Thank you Dr. T for your work and the great articles chocked full of information.
When you find yourself questioning if you should stay in the marriage or leave, re-read what you shared above.
If your finances aren’t in great shape and you’re earning below your capacity, it’s better to divorce now then when you’re on top of your game. There’s no magic bullet to doing this. You have to steel your resolve and turn a deaf ear to the FOG, lies and manipulations.
It’s unlikely you can rebuild and become healthy while in close proximity to her, unless you can emotionally detach and become immune to her manipulations. The first step is to consult with attorneys who have experience with high conflict cases. Do not let her know you’re doing this. Good luck.
Codas, hahaha! just love the short form.
I agree with you Doc as I am a living Coda born to a Coda father and an anti coda (classic bpd) mother but even then I love them, sometimes I feel angry but then it’s life all I can do is just make the best version out of myself and I am working hard on that no not to please others but myself. May be I’ll not need anyone’s approval one day, not expecting anything in return, just happy by myself.
Thank you Doc, have a Beautiful Day. 🙂
Thank you! This is an awesome article. You answered an important question about a Narc I broke up with. 2 months ago and her counselor who I met with 3 times. My intuition was telling me that something was wrong for a year. Every time I would question or pull away the Narc would take “corrective action” so as not to lose me “her source”.
Thank you, Victor. I’m glad you find it helpful.
While getting clear of my (presumed) BPD ex, I kept returning to some consistent thoughts…..
1. I’m not a therapist, (it’s not my job or skillset)
2. I’m not paid to “accommodate” her behavior, not even for an hour.
I’ve heard, thru friends, of a (presumed) BPD who has demonstrated remarkable improvement
in behavior (fewer tantrums). Assuming that spontaneous improvement is unlikely, there
may be a miracle working therapist, someplace, that can help some of these individuals.
I’m not that person, and that’s ok.
If you didn’t break it it’s not your job to fix it.
This article speaks so much truth to me. I am on the cusp of ending our relationship, but there is a thread of me that is unwilling or unable. Shadows of codependency? She almost left a couple of weeks ago then pulled back, sighting our daughter as the reason to stay. She wanted to protect her from having a life like hers (divorced parents).
The thing is, over the past four years I have been seeing an exceptional therapist, mostly to deal with the damage done from my relationship. I have been Mr. Mom to our daughter because my wife chose to have a well paid career, although she swears that it wasn’t her choice and that she “didn’t sign up for this.” “This” being the breadwinner and being married to me apparently.
There was physical violence in the past, but she took my stance seriously. Even the emotional blackmail has shrunk, but only because we no longer really talk, or have intimacy… ughhh. I can say with certainly that verbal and emotional abuse is super painful and frustrating. Not becoming bitter has been a real task. I don’t feel as though I will feel “like me” until I feel the freedom of the relationship ended.
If you haven’t done so yet, start a parenting log in which you document all of the day-to-day direct parenting you do. If when you divorce, your wife will most likely claim you did nothing and that she did it all. You may also want to quietly consult with divorce attorneys in your area to discover what other things you can do to prepare and build your case for custody as it doesn’t sound like you’re ready to leave just yet.
My guess is your wife didn’t pull back from divorce because of the child, but rather spoke with an attorney who told her she will likely have to pay you some amount of spousal support and that you have a good case for at the very least 50/50 (if not primary depending on where you reside), which also means child support money for you.
Another great article and something that definitely resonates with me. I’ve always believed in “unconditional” love and have allowed people to utterly trample all over me as a result. Even with the last psycho-ex, just over a year ago, we had a massive argument where she berated yet again for not loving her enough – her exact words…
“All i wanted to feel was that you were with me, were happy to be with ME and that you wanted a life with me that yes, you would walk over hot coals for me-if you had to. … you would stab your own eyes out, walk 1000 miles over broken glass for me, save me from hell or high water, be with me for ever.”
I replied saying I’d do all that and more. Now, I’d tell her to grow up and stop being so melodramatic. Hindsight, what a wonderful thing.
Dr. Tara
I’m not quite sure of the (web-wandering) route I used to come here, but am I glad I finally did! In spades!
Much like those opinions, hobbies and interests I had that, not having met anyone in ‘the real world’ with a similar, I assumed I was ‘the odd one’ … until the internet and finding hundreds and thousands of people who shared them, I now know I’m not as unusual as I originally thought I was.
I could cite my experiences with my abusive ex-partner, but suffice to say it mirrors so many others here (and even realising ‘that’ was itself cathartic to an extent, that others, not only ‘could’, but ‘do’ understand what I’ve been through) – 30+ years of (forces and then a profession) work and unable to afford to live anywhere more expensive than a rented room, financially destroyed, zero contact with a child who has been indoctrinated to despise me, all whilst my ex ‘lives it up’ on my labour.
I recognise and agree with everything you’ve stated, but one issue seems not to be emphasised as much as my experience says it should be, though (I stand to be corrected, after only a few hours avid reading, I can’t say I’ve read it all).
That issue? The overt, actual support, and even encouragement of ‘the establishment’ for ‘women’ who act in such a manner.
You advise finding an alternative therapist, but what if that therapist (social worker or ‘expert witness’) is ‘court appointed’, or even just ‘the official’ officer delegated to your case?
My experience here (in The UK) is that ‘all’ such ‘official’ caseworkers (as well as ‘peripherally involved’ professionals such as teachers and police) will excuse (support and/or even ‘cover up for’) such behaviour … ‘by a woman’ (my ex’s previous mental-health record, social history and even criminal record – which I was unaware of until that point, I hasten to add – was deemed ‘inadmissible’, much like an independent councillors findings, and when a mandatory, ‘crucial’, psych evaluation of me was demanded … it suddenly was no longer ‘crucial’ when I agreed on condition that my ex was required to be evaluated too – showing ‘they were fully aware, and complicit in concealing, that my ex had substantial … issues’. My ex would regularly collect my child from school, drunk, abusive and attacking other parents – not mentioned and … ‘I’ was refused inclusion in my childs education by the very teachers who had to pick ‘her’ up and stop ‘her’ attacks! My ex allowed a ‘partner’ to act ‘inappropriately’ towards my young child … and ‘I’ was investigated by the police. Not to mention all those other mothers, who seeing all this, still believed every spurious accusation she came out with and shunned … me. The list is endless).
I find myself (in the years since) lacking in any ‘trust’ for women in general. Do I believe ‘all’ women are like my ex? Of course not! But when any such behaviour (even by a non BPD/NPD) woman is excused, supported, encouraged and rewarded by the official institutions (and women in general) you can no longer ‘feel safe’ in assuming ‘any woman’ isn’t like that.
e.g. After leaving the military I worked as a registered nurse (a female dominated area). ‘Every’ female colleague regularly and repeatedly decried the bias, corruption and blatant misandry of the ‘family’ and general court system here (you see the results, discrimination and hypocrisy in A&E/ER every day – female on male physical abuse massively overshadows the opposite in such areas – but it is ‘always’ the man who is arrested if he dares resist/respond, not to mention the children ‘accidentally’ harmed repeatedly by mothers – who blame an absent father, considerably more common than children harmed by a male) …. but, every single one of them jumped at the chance to use that very self-same corrupt system (they formerly decried) in her favour (made allegation against their husbands that they ‘in private’ admitted were ‘exaggerated’, ‘excluded their behaviour which prompted it’ and were often blatantly ‘fictitious’) … ‘when it was her turn’!
I am not saying ‘all’ women have BPD/NPD. What I am saying is that abuse by any/all women is now seen, not only as ‘the norm’ and ‘acceptable’ but is ‘actively rewarded’. So, as such, what, ‘effectively’ is the difference? And with all due respect, ‘if’ you can find a therapist who is cognisant of reality (I suspect you don’t realise just how, if not unique, then rare you are), their input will most likely be minimised or even excluded by ‘the others’ in the system ‘with an agenda’, will it not?
But just to reiterate, I thank you and all the contributors here for my (belated) realisation that I’m not alone, not a ‘freak’ and in fact may be one of the majority!
Hi Alec,
So sorry for what you have been through. I just want to comment re: your post- I agree with you that there definitely seems to be an institutional bias towards men in family law. The courts in general seem to be very easily influenced by NPD/BPD women and their accusations- you would think they would be more objective – why??? These personality disorders are well documented in the literature!!!!!!! I am a woman (and an RN!) who recently was forced to end a relationship with a man going through this behavior with his ex. We were together for 5 years and I never would have believed a human being was capable of such evil, manipulative, divisive, and crazy-making behavior. Yes, my ex was discarded by his ex when she found a bf after 20 yrs marriage – but she acted like she was the scorned one- vilifying him continually to all, despite continued (excessive) financial, emotional and physical support to her as well as caring for his kids almost exclusively (she wanted to “enjoy” her freedom with her new bf!) He truly was such a loving and kind dad yet she was able to cause such parental alienation whenever he did not do as she demanded. 🙁
She took him to court several times with trumped up charges – committed perjury and took out no trespass orders as she tried to build her case. We knew something was coming when we would see strange emails in legalese and odd overreaction to nothing that eventually would wind up being an exhibit in her case! She tried to limit his custody to once ever 2 months (??) instead of him having 4 out of 7 days (which she insisted on in their divorce decree.) Demands for more money as she worked walking dogs a few hours a week! She was a paralegal but she used her education to work him over, not work!
I literally witnessed her lying right to the judge’s face repeatedly. So believable too! Lies about his behavior, denying her crazy behavior – I got involved in providing substantiating evidence of her behavior by connecting people/events with his attorney where signed affidavits and other documentation were presented to the judge to substantiate the craziness. However, it was only after 30,000 $ and much grief – did the judge award the custody to remain unchanged. He won, but he lost, as she had sullied his name, poisoned his relationship with kids and cost him a tremendous amount of money and stress. I could not continue on in the relationship with him- I was getting crazy myself from the continued stress. I felt very unsafe with her in my life. He also was so controlled by her (due to his children), it made our relationship very unhealthy. I actually think she is more a sociopath, and felt she was capable of anything as she felt threatened by my existence in his life.
A point I want to make: due to my ex-bf’s incredibly damaged psyche from living with her abuse, he was afraid, exhausted and trained to defer to her crazy demands. He would not have had the clarity or willpower to pursue the documentation and requests to the court unless I was there pressuring him and his atty to do so. I mention this as I wonder how many other abused men cannot keep up the energy to fight – they leave the relationship so disempowered that the battles are lost in court due to emotional exhaustion. And that emotional “fog” lingering from years of abuse. Sadly, there are just no winners- even the NPD/BDP -who appears to sail away in bliss, has to ultimately live with their own miserable selves and the house of cards they construct daily.
Best of Luck and Peace to you! 🙂
Dear Shrink4Men,
Points well made. It’s tough to dislodge these notions of “unconditional love,” because once they take hold, couples will dysfunction their lives away in a kind of dance to the death of abuse and “acceptance.”
I write to note that “radical acceptance” is used by some to denote accepting reality as it is at any given moment. Tara (another Tara!) Brach comes to mind. It’s a kinda sorta mindfulness thing having little to do with the wild distortions you have talked about here. Just my $.02.
Keep up the good work. Sooner or later, we will all “radically accept” our need to not put up with nonsense.
Take care.
For the co-dependent men who feel they want to rescue. I was that co-dependent woman who wanted to rescue and was abused. For me this is a double edged sword when there are women who make false accusations and I find that disclosing previous abuse to a new partner is considered a red flag because of these women. Sometimes I feel like damaged goods and I don’t want to be “rescued.” Sadly, when someone else breaks you, you are responsible for putting yourself back together. Sometimes it takes years. I think the only “radical acceptance” needed is the acceptance these people won’t ever change and it has nothing to do with you. For the co-dependent “radical acceptance” should be accepting that you can take care of yourself and need not feel guilty about it. My biggest battle is getting out of a mindset where I feel guilty for doing anything for myself and realizing self care is not the same as being selfish.
“breathtaking degree of entitlement, hypocrisy and double standards”
What a concise description of these emotional vampires.
Thank you so much for the article. A breath of fresh air to know I’m not alone.
The best analogy I would give is this. 2 people fall into the ocean without lifejackets. One pushes the other down to stay afloat. Guess who’s who….
You were on the money to say that radical acceptance doesn’t work. In my case it made things worse. Although it was a private decision that I never discussed with her, she just saw that as weakness. Very selfish people. Giving for regular people is a joy, giving for her meant losing.
We recently split after I called her out on the most flabbergasting hypocrisy I’d ever heard. She then left in rage. She fitted the covert narcissist perfectly and my own therapist offered that, from my description, she had both borderline and narcissistic traits.
The anger was intense and the blaming more so. When a regular person gets angry we cycle out of it in a few minutes to an hour and wouldn’t argue to the destruction of the relationship. When she raged she simply couldn’t cycle out for weeks. The only cure…if I took responsibility and apologized for doing something I never did. She would then punish me by doing something that she thought equated to her pain so that “I would understand.” Clearly her vengeance was extremely hurtful, if only verbal, and didn’t match a crime I never actually committed. I would leave and then, out of guilt but I loved her very much and would go back. All reset. Clear codependent behavior on my part.
More than anything the secrecy got to me. In a 2-year relationship I wasn’t even a Facebook friend and she deliberately refused to speak about deep emotional issues with me. Ex boyfriends and former sexually interested guys were however FB friends with whom she was still in contact. I don’t believe she was unfaithful but I think she used it to make me upset and, of course, for narcissistic supply.
Writing this now, I can’t believe I stayed for so long. I truly loved her and I guess I was addicted to the loving stage that was really a mirage. I truly believed that with love I could help, however I was mis-advised by a therapist that BPD/NPD people have no idea what they are doing. Now that I can see more clearly I can see that she knew EXACTLY what she was doing and knew full well that she had a problem, she just simply didn’t care about hurting people.
Guys, they know exactly what they are doing, they can’t help it and they simply don’t care!
The most frightening thing is that she is training to be a therapist! I also worry greatly about her son too. She claims to be Mother of the year but I can already see a disaster in the making. I could use some advice on this. Thanks for listening!
JohnnyCodep, It’s really good to see that you finally took the courage to say good bye to crazy. I agree that most of these psychos know very well that it’s their bad behavior that is responsible for all the chaos but they won’t admit it, NEVER. The only way you can be a part of their lives is by actively taking part in their daily crazy plays. And you will always get the part of a villain, and she will be the victim. Pull & Push, Pull & Push, Pull & Push, Pull & Push, all day, every day, 365 days a year. You just won’t have time to think about anything else and that’s what she wants, she wants you to be physically and mentally enslaved to her.
Social networking sites like facebook are the perfect breeding grounds for the new age crazies. I don’t understand why do people take fb so seriously. I deleted my fb a/c a year ago to escape crazy and what I understood is that it is absolutely possible to live life I mean a really good meaningful life without fakebook. Just go NC for a few months (if possible for the whole life) and see for yourself how beautiful life can be. It’s your life and It’s precious, don’t waste it for someone who doesn’t know to love back.
God bless you. 🙂
I can’t afford therapy (really I can’t afford for her to find out I am getting help/therapy so I’ll work on that once I’m out) so I read this blog daily and I can tell you it’s helped me more than anything I’ve read. It’s sadly 100% true and describes my wife 100% on the articles about BPD (she completely has BPD and a few characteristics of NPD).
In this situation, nothing you can ever do is enough because there’s no such thing as enough. Like a homeless person who takes advantage of you except instead of it being some random person I’ts Your CRAZY Wife. It’s like that book, if you give a mouse a cookie – Think of that mouse in the book. She is that mouse and she wants all your cookies, cheese, and what-have-you — Everything and more than you could even practically give to her.
You do one nice thing and it’s a ticket for her to ask for another, and another, and another favor to do things that she is capable of but not willing to do for herself. Why should she? You’re her slave chained to her by the fear of loss and need for approval, which she will never give. She’ll give bits and pieces of it here and there, but will give you more disapproval in order to get you back in line than she will ever give approval for. It’s like being married to an Empress, except it’s a regular woman using methods she knows will make you do whatever she wants.
For her unconditional love is you being that endless supply of everything for her, everything she wants you to do, and everything despite her wasting it, throwing it away, or throwing you away. And in her head it’s okay for her to say horrible things about you and to throw you away, but try doing the same thing and behaving the same way as her and it’s a double-standard. You can’t even be your own person and god-forbid you spend time doing things that make you happy because somehow in some dark twisted way it takes away from her happiness, because there is no abundance of happiness in her head, only a limited supply of happiness and she must control the entire supply of happiness; how else can she be happy than to deny it to you?