Breaking up with a borderline girlfriend or wife can be incredibly difficult. The same is generally true for all abusive women whether they’re a borderline or some other kind of toxic personality. Of course, it can be just as difficult breaking up with abusive men. However, straight women experience far less stigma for being abuse victims. Straight women also receive far more social and mental health support than both straight and gay men and lesbians. So, here we are.
In my experience, individuals whose relationships are characterized by abuse are either personality disordered or codependent. It’s the usual suspects — narcissists, borderlines, histrionics, psychopaths, dependents, paranoiacs and Cluster B varietals (i.e., the trail mix of Crazy). I’m not saying all personality disordered individuals are abusers. But, if you’re an abusive person, you’re probably personality disordered.
Why do abusers abuse?
Abuse has nothing to do with love and everything to do with dominance and exploitation. Some abusers use rage, intimidation, threats and violence; i.e., fear. While others use shame, victim-playing, tears, feigned helplessness and other sympathy tactics; i.e., obligation and guilt. Some use all of the above — fear, obligation and guilt (FOG). Regardless of the abusive woman’s preferred tactics, the goal is control, or coercive control (to be trendy) of you and your emotions, perceptions and resources.
Why do abusers want to control others?
- Ego gratification (i.e., narcissistic supply).
- Resources (e..g., money, shelter, stability, social status).
- Inability to relate healthier ways.
- Inability to regulate their emotions.
- Lack of interest in doing their own emotional work and, in many cases, paid work (i.e. personal financial responsibility). Instead, they expect their partners and children to mirror and co-regulate their emotions. Many also expect financial support because pathological entitlement.
- To avoid exposure of who they really are — an angry, fearful, spiteful, inadequate, overgrown toddler/teen.
As such, unless an abuser is ready to discard you (usually after they’ve sucked you dry emotionally, physically and financially) she’ll do everything she can to stop you from leaving. Breaking up with a borderline, narcissist or histrionic can result in:
- Threats to withhold any children you may share.
- Threats to ruin you financially.
- Threats to destroy your reputation. Although, odds are she’s already been smearing you for a long time.
- An “accidental” pregnancy (whoopsie!)
- A fake pregnancy (and fake miscarriage or fake abortion).
- Threats to commit suicide or nonlethal suicide attempts to induce guilt (i.e., emotional blackmail).
- Threats to call the police with false abuse allegations.
- Physical violence.
Thus, breaking up with a borderline girlfriend or wife can be fraught with anxiety and dread for very real reasons. She won’t make it easy. If you want your life back, you will have to take it and be smart about it.
My abusive ex-wife filed for divorce, not me. Why is she still trying to control me?
This phenomenon is pretty common amongst my clients. Particularly clients who share kids with a NPD, BPD or HPD mom. Even when the divorce is her idea, abusive women want to control:
- How the separation occurs.
- The break-up narrative. For example, she’s all good, you’re all bad (i.e., splitting).
- Your right to move on from the relationship. This occurs even if the abusive woman has begun dating and/or remarried once or several times.
Post-divorce, many clients are treated as standby supply. [*I just coined this term, so proper sourcing, please — yeah, right!] Standby supply is the abusive ex’s unreasonable expectation that you don’t move on with your life — including new intimate relationships — so they can continue to use you as back-up or primary ego gratifying objects. Typically, you’re back-up supply when they’re in a relationship(s) and primary when they’re in between relationships.
Conversely, on the one-way street of double standards, the narcissist, borderline or histrionic can date, marry, divorce, date, marry, date, divorce, get engaged, date, marry, date, divorce, ad infinitum. Meanwhile, she expects to continue the old one-sided relationship with you. Meaning, she wants to keep using you for attention, money, labor, triangulation, etc., in perpetuity. Don’t expect anything from these women that isn’t in the custody orders. For that matter, count yourself fortunate if they actually follow the custody orders.
It’s easy to see why your new partner (or potential future partner) wouldn’t be okay with this arrangement. And, in case you don’t see a problem with this arrangement, Mr. Codependent, you should have a problem with it, too!
Breaking up with a borderline girlfriend or wife if you share kids.
Of course, an abusive ex’s attempts to continue to control and exploit you is easier to ignore if you don’t share children. In fact, if you don’t share kids why aren’t you No Contact yet?! If you do share children, you’re probably already familiar with how the abusive ex uses the kids to emotionally manipulate you into being standby supply.
For example:
- The kids are “uncomfortable” around your girlfriend. They say you don’t pay any attention to them when she’s around. They don’t want to be there when she’s there!
- Your kids need stuff that I’m supposed to buy with my child support money [LOL!]. Fine! I’ll tell them I can’t take them skiing because you’re spending all your money on your whore!
- What do you mean you can’t pick the kids up from school for me!?!?! It doesn’t matter that it’s my day!! What kind of father are you?! I have an unexpected “emergency“ [Bumble hook-up] and you can’t be a co-parent?!? Fine. The kids will hear how you can’t be bothered to spend time with them. NO!!! It is NOT okay if your fiancee picks them up!!!!! You need to MAN UP!!!!!
- Why can’t you come over and put in the storm windows?!? What’s more important than your kids not freezing to death this winter?! No, I can NOT do it myself! You abandoned me and the kids!! Don’t you think this is the LEAST you could do for us?!?!? F-ck you!!! I am not hiring a handyman! That is NOT what child support is for!!! Hey, kids!! Daddy doesn’t care if we freeze to death this winter!!!
And scene!
Becoming immune to these kinds of overt and covert manipulations can be difficult until or unless you deal with your own vulnerabilities. This includes both the long and short-term effects of being in a toxic relationship. Abused men are every bit as damaged by gaslighting, projection, isolation, no-win situation and physical violence as female victims. So don’t underestimate the work you’ll need to do.
Breaking up with a borderline girlfriend or wife and requires a specific mindset.
It means putting yourself first and overriding the initial feelings of fear, obligation and guilt (FOG) that these personality types use to manipulate their targets. It also means doing some pretty difficult emotional and practical things while you’re wading through the stages of grief. Like a client’s mother once told him, if you want your life back you”ll need to “Get comfortable with being uncomfortable.”
Parts two and three of this three part series address the challenges you will likely encounter regarding your own difficulties. For example, codependency traits, FOG, the need to JADE (justify, argue, defend and explain) and learned helplessness.
Counseling, Consulting and Coaching with Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD
Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD helps individuals with relationship and codependency issues via telephone or Skype. For over a decade, she has specialized in helping men and women break free of abusive relationships, cope with the stress of ongoing abuse and heal from the trauma. She combines practical advice, emotional support and goal-oriented outcomes. If you’d like to work with Dr. Palmatier, please visit the Schedule a Session page or you can email her directly at [email protected].
Want to Say Goodbye to Crazy? Buy it HERE.