The holidays can be a time of joy, connection, and celebration. Unfortunately, if you’re dealing with a borderline, histrionic, or narcissistic ex, it can also be a prime opportunity for some Yuletide drama, manipulation, and relationship relapse. Perhaps you’re already familiar with the Holiday Hoover—the attempt by your BPD, HPD, or NPD ex to suck you back into the toxic relationship, but with seasonal-specific emotional appeals. Much like the eponymous vacuum cleaner, Holiday Hoovers and non-seasonal BPD or NPD Hoovers both suck—just in different ways.
Let’s get the bad news out of the way first: Crazy will always be crazy. Testing boundaries, manipulating, and trying to take advantage of your vulnerabilities. If you leave a door open, Crazy will likely drive an 18-wheeler through it. But here’s the good news: You’re not powerless against it. In fact, you can protect yourself from these manipulative holiday tactics—and that’s one of the best gifts you can give yourself this season.
The first holiday on your own can be hard, but trust me, you’re not alone in this. BPD and NPD exes know how to use emotional touchstones like Christmas to pull you back into their drama. They’ll charm you with promises of change, sweet talk, and tearful apologies—but don’t be fooled. The charming facade will drop faster than Christmas tree needles in January, leaving you with is the same old manipulation, emotional abuse, and regret. It’s a familiar cycle—and one you don’t need to repeat again and again.
To that end, I’ll break down what the Holiday Hoover is and the different forms it commonly takes. Then, I’ll give you the 4 Ds (delay, distract, de-stress, and de-catastrophize)—proven tools for relapse prevention that can help you break free from the cycle. With these resources, you’ll have the power to know how to protect yourself from a Holiday Hoover by a BPD or NPD ex this season and preserve your peace.
Understanding the Holiday Hoover:
Let’s break it down: The Holiday Hoover is a mix of emotional tricks meant to reel you back into the old relationship. Here’s what it typically involves:
- 1 part love bombing: Over-the-top affection and attention meant to distract you from the reality. “Love, love schmoopy, soulmates, love, schmoopy, twin flame, remember the good times, schmoopy, best sex ever, schmoopy!“
- 1 part empty promises: Vows to change that are never followed through on. “Things will be better. I’ll go to therapy. We both did things we regret. Don’t you want to go back to the way things were? Lollipops, rainbows, unicorn glitter farts. The best is yet to come!”
- 1 part gaslighting and historical revisionism: “Oh, but when I slept with your boss, it was because I felt neglected by all the time you spent at work! Why didn’t we talk about this back then? It was just a miscommunication!” Cue Hallmark Christmas movie music, weepy eyes, and the “true love conquers all” nonsense.
- 100% Bullshit: Because that’s what it really is—manipulation disguised as affection. If they’ve changed at all, they’ve changed their tactics. Just decline the Holiday Hoover and see what happens.
These Holiday Hoover emotional highs are fleeting, but the damage they cause—your sense of reality being distorted, your trust in your own instincts being eroded, and shame about falling for her lies again—can last much longer than the holiday cheer. Now that you know what the Holiday Hoover looks like, let’s dive into how to protect yourself from falling back into their emotional traps this holiday season.
Client Holiday Hoovers of Christmases Past
‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, the BPD ex, who you thought had changed, raged and called you a louse. Where stockings once hung by the chimney with care, she hacked them to shreds, giving the kids a scare. The children were crying, “Mom, stop yelling at Pops!” while you sat in your car, waiting for the cops…
In my 15 years of working with male abuse victims, I’ve seen the Holiday Hoover in many forms. While every situation is unique, these manipulative tactics often follow certain themes and patterns. Let’s take a look at some of the most common ones I’ve observed over the years:
1. Nostalgia and Sentiment: “Remember the…times?“
When a BPD/NPD ex trips you down Memory Lane, they conveniently Photoshop out the midnight rages, infidelities, violence, lies, destruction of property, and their many other abuses. Honestly, they could give Adobe a few pointers. This is emotional manipulation at its finest—a tug at the old heartstrings, designed to make you forget the nightmare and focus on a fantasy of them and the relationship.
Don’t be fooled, though. These memories are twisted to make you doubt your own experiences. Holiday Hoover appeals are intended to evoke warmth and connection, but their airbrushed version of nostalgia excludes important details like facts and all the pain you felt. The longer you entertain their fantastical narratives, the harder it becomes to hold onto objective reality.
2. Sex: “I miss us! No one else has ever…[insert lies about your sexual prowess or claims that you’re the “one and only” here.]“
Sex isn’t about intimacy or connection; it’s just another manipulation tool. If guilt, obligation, and heart string-tugging tactics don’t work, they’ll then switch gears and this type of woman will tug on something else. (To make a Yule log joke or not make a Yule log joke? That is the question.)
Sex becomes a tool for emotional coercion—nothing more. It’s about control and feeding their ego, not about reigniting an old flame. The sex act may feel good temporarily, but the damage it causes can linger far beyond the moment, leaving you feeling empty and ashamed—and I’m not talking about an “unplanned” pregnancy and/or STDs. Whoopsy!
3. Obligation and Guilt: “But what about the children!? Don’t you miss us?!?! Why did you stop fighting for me?! I still love you! Don’t you love me? You have to forgive me!“
When love and sex bombs don’t work, it’s time to bring out the big guns—obligation and guilt. In other words, buttons that at least one of your parents installed in childhood. Obligation and guilt are two-thirds of the emotional glue that forms FOG—fear, obligation, and guilt. These are go-to tactics for emotional manipulation.
By playing the victim, they try to drag you back into their chaos, guilt-tripping you into believing you owe them your love, attention, resources, and on-demand forgiveness. If they’ve neither taken responsibility for their behavior nor expressed genuine remorse, you don’t owe them anything. It may be tempting to believe their appeals and non-apology apologies, like “I’m sorry you feel that way” or “I’m sorry I hurt you, but you made me do it.” These aren’t apologies—they’re further manipulation meant to deflect responsibility.
The cost of giving in? Your peace of mind and emotional stability. These guilt tactics don’t come from a place of love—they’re yet another control grab—just like you experienced when you were still together. The longer you keep falling for it, the more difficult it will be to maintain the boundaries you need to protect yourself. You also reset the clock on your healing.
4. Money: “If you love your kids, you’ll share half (all) the expense of their presents (*that I’ll take credit for), and spend all Christmas day with us (*where I’ll make passive-aggressive jabs unchecked because I know you won’t push back in front of the kids) so we can be a family again!“
It’s not about Christmas cheer, peace on Earth, and “the children.” It’s about control, manipulation, and exploitation. If she can get you to comply with her demands under the guise of “family,” “love,” and giving the kids a “normal Christmas,” she’s once again exerting control over you. If you go along to get along, it will be a “normal” holiday. In other words, she’ll be up to her old tricks, screwing you over and demanding money, attention, and leaving you to pick up the emotional and financial tabs.
This Holiday Hoover isn’t about winning your love back or being a family; it’s about regaining control over you—financially, emotionally, and practically. She’ll exploit your sense of duty and love for the kids to manipulate you. Remember, you have the power to break free from this cycle. Every time you enforce a boundary, you’re taking your power, your peace, and your dignity back.
The Holiday Hoover—whichever form(s) it takes—is a BPD/NPD Cray-deer game designed to reel you back in for more of the same old, same old. Why do these individuals do this? Ultimately, the why they do it doesn’t matter. It’s far more important that you understand why you’re vulnerable to it and then do something about it.
NPD Ex and BPD Ex Relationship Relapse Prevention Tactics
In substance abuse treatment, there are tactics outside of therapy and recovery work, that help people struggling with addiction to prevent relapse. For example, the 4 Ds, which are: Delay, Distract, De-Stress, and De-catastrophize.
1. Delay
Essentially, you’re delaying replying to the NPD/BPD ex’s Holiday Hoover overture. Practically, that means not replying to that text or OFW message. It also means, not answering her calls or calling her back. And for the love of whatever god you worship, stay off her social media and anything else that puts you in harm’s way. For example, don’t go to her favorite Starbucks.
How overwhelming is the urge to respond? Take a breath. Can you wait 30 minutes? If that seems too long, what about 15 minutes? Can you commit to 10 minutes?
There is science behind delay tactics, or delay discounting. Delay discounting is defined as “the decline in the present value of a reward with delay to its receipt” (Odum, 2011a, p. 427). In simpler terms, the longer you wait to respond to the manipulative message, the less important it becomes. This gives you time to refocus on why you left in the first place.
Try shutting your phone off for 30 minutes. During that time, remind yourself of every lie and rotten thing she’s done to you. If you do this technique in earnest, it’ll probably take way longer than 30 minutes to recount all her past abuses. Do this every time you’re tempted to reply or reach out to your ex. It can be effective if you really give it a try.
2. De-stress
Stress is a silent saboteur. Chronic emotional stress can have a big impact on decision-making. When your stress levels are high, your decision-making is clouded. When my clients are at their healthiest and strongest, they have greater immunity to manipulation attempts by their exes. They see their exes with greater clarity and do not miss the “good times.” They’re living in the present and hopeful for the future.
Conversely, clients who are in the early grief and healing stages, still mythologize and romanticize their BPD and NPD exes. Due to the end of their marriages, many of them are also experiencing financial, legal, emotional, and relational (i.e., not seeing their kids) stress. Under these circumstances, getting back together with a toxic ex can seem like a good idea. IT IS NOT A GOOD IDEA. In fact, it is the worst idea.
How are your stress levels? Are you taking good care of your physical health? Are you getting enough sleep and all the other good physical health practices? Do you have enough emotional support? If not, start. This is something that’s under your control and you can begin today.
3. Distract.
What are you doing with your time? Are you endlessly surfing “My Ex is a Narcissist” YouTube channels? Scrolling through the social media timelines of your defunct relationship? Ruminating endlessly with woulda’s, coulda’s, shoulda’s, what if’s, and if only’s? Is this helping you at all? If not, then try disrupting this unhelpful mental looping through positive distraction. There’s strong empirical evidence that distraction approaches are also effective for relapse prevention.
Specifically, distraction techniques work by providing time for acute urges to naturally dissipate, or by directly reducing urge intensity (Kavanagh, Andrade, & May, 2005). Try exercise, change your physical location, or engage in some mental or physical activity to redirect your focus (Ashe, Newman & Wilson, 2015). It doesn’t have to be huge. The goal is to create space for the temptation to lose its intensity. Whether it’s taking a walk, focusing on a hobby, or calling a friend, the idea is to break the cycle and give yourself time to recover from that immediate urge.
4. De-catastrophize
Before we explore de-catastrophizing, let’s look at catastrophizing. Catastrophizing is a cognitive distortion and form of emotional reasoning. It’s an exaggerated and negative series of perceptions that can turn the proverbial molehill into Mt. Everest. Catastrophizing is comprised of three elements: “Helplessness (‘It’s awful and I feel that it overwhelms me’), rumination (‘I can’t stop thinking about how much it hurts’), and magnification (‘I worry that something serious may happen’)” (Quartana, Campbell & Edwards, 2009).
In my practice, this manifests in clients as:
-
- Helplessness: “I miss her so much. It hurts so bad. I don’t know how to feel better without her.”
- Rumination: “I can’t stop thinking about her and the relationship.”
- Magnification: “What if I made a mistake? Maybe things can get better? What if I never find anyone else? What if I end up with someone worse? I’m going to die alone and lonely.”
De-catastrophizing taps the brakes on the “stinking thinking.” Sure, all of these worst-case scenarios could come to pass. But in between staying with a woman who abuses you and dying alone “unwept, unhonored, and unsung” (Sir Walter Scott), there are a whole lot of choices you can make in between. So, when your mind starts to spiral, do some basic reassurance like, “I’m okay. I’m okay. I will be okay. This will pass. I’m going to look back at this time and realize how wrongly I’m seeing things. I’ll laugh at this someday. I’m going to be okay.”
These tactics work best in conjunction with each other, so please give them a try. And keep doing them until the Cluster B craving passes. Remember, you have the power to break free from this cycle. Ask for support, you’re going to need it. But at the end of the day, the responsibility for healing is on you.
Conclusion
So, this holiday season, protect yourself. Don’t fall for the illusion of a quick fix or a “happily ever after.” These women aren’t rom-com material—they’re a natural disaster-slasher-horror flick chicks, tangled in Christmas lights.
The Holiday Hoover isn’t a fresh start—it’s just another chaotic cycle wrapped in tinsel with a human chaos machine. Instead of running up to that football like Charlie Brown, only to get it yanked away at the last minute, step back, set firm boundaries, and remember why you left in the first place. Your peace of mind is worth more than their hot-and-cold “affection,” sex that leaves you feeling empty afterward, and kids who have yet another drama-riddled Christmas. Trust the facts, not their act—and certainly not the fleeting emotional high they offer. The juice just isn’t worth the squeeze.
Counseling, Consulting and Coaching with Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD
Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD helps individuals with relationship and codependency issues via telephone or Skype. Since 2009, she’s specialized in helping men and women break free of abusive relationships, cope with the stress of ongoing abuse and heal from the trauma. She combines practical advice, emotional support and goal-oriented outcomes. If you’d like to work with Dr. Palmatier, please visit the Schedule a Session page or you can email her directly at [email protected].
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References
- Ashe ML, Newman MG, Wilson SJ. Delay discounting and the use of mindful attention versus distraction in the treatment of drug addiction: a conceptual review. J Exp Anal Behav. 2015 Jan;103(1):234-48.
- Kavanagh DJ, Andrade J, May J. Imaginary relish and exquisite torture: The elaborated intrusion theory of desire. Psychological Review. 2005;112:446–467. doi: 10.1037/0033-295X.112.2.446.
- Odum AL. Delay discounting: I’m a k, you’re a k. Journal of the Experimental Analysis of Behavior. 2011a;96:427–439. doi: 10.1901/jeab.2011.96-423.
- Quartana PJ, Campbell CM, Edwards RR. Pain catastrophizing: a critical review. Expert Rev Neurother. 2009;9:745–58.
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