How do narcissists react when you catch them lying? Narcissists, borderlines, histrionics, and other toxic people rarely admit their lies. They’re psychologically incapable of it. There’s seldom a moment of chagrined embarrassment, as if to say, “Well, you got me!”
They won’t acknowledge that your memory of events is accurate, nor will they admit that your ability to track their contradictions is correct. On the rare occasions they sorta kinda ‘fess up, it’s conditional. Meaning, yes maybe they weren’t entirely honest, BUT–there’s always a “but” or a “however”–followed by “reasons.” The reasons are typically just word salad rationalizations for why their falsehoods weren’t really lies and why their pathological dishonesty is somehow your fault.
The Narcissist’s Prayer
If you’ve been searching the Internet for information about narcissists and other Cluster B personality disorder types, you’ve probably stumbled upon The Narcissist’s Prayer by the Irish poet, Dayna Craig:
Ms. Craig succinctly captures the narcissist’s or borderline’s complete abdication of accountability. This prayer also encapsulates their repertoire of primitive defense mechanisms. “That didn’t happen” exemplifies denial and gaslighting. “And if it did, it wasn’t that bad” reflects minimization, denial, and rationalization—both of their behavior and its impact on you.
“And if it was, that’s not a big deal” continues with denial, minimization, and rationalization. “And if it is, that’s not my fault” introduces blame shifting, historical revisionism, and rationalization. “And if it was, I didn’t mean it” is denial, deflection, and rationalization. Finally, “And if I did, you deserved it” involves blame shifting, projection, and rationalization.
How Do Narcissists React When You Catch Them Lying?
Typically, narcissists and borderlines when caught lying will:
- Double down, triple down, quadruple down, and to infinity and beyond down on the original lie(s).
- Tell additional lies on top of the original lies ad infinitum.
- Attack the person who exposes their lies and accuse that individual of lying (i.e., DARVO). In other words, they tell lies about the person exposing their lies and play victim.
- Cry and play victim.
- Rage and play victim.
These reactions can take different forms, both subtle and overt, and narcissists and borderlines often cycle through them repeatedly. This pattern brings to mind Noel Harrison’s lyrics, “Round like a circle in a spiral, like a wheel within a wheel. Never ending or beginning on an ever-spinning reel,” from The Windmill of Your Mind.
Narcissists and borderlines repeat this response formula as many times as necessary to escape consequences, change the narrative, and shift blame onto their target or victim. If you—or, for instance, your family law attorney—persist in holding the NPD/BPD ex accountable by exposing her lies, the crying and raging victim-playing usually escalates.
Unfortunately, many people are easily duped by the narcissist’s or borderline’s persuasive theatrics, blame shifting and other forms of emotional manipulation. If you’re divorcing or sharing custody with one of these individuals, it’s important to understand how they create and spin narratives for the sake of your sanity and safety. And also in order to explain to family court judges, custody evaluators, your attorney and anyone else who plays a role in your divorce and custody litigation.
How Do Narcissists and Borderlines React When You Catch Them Lying?
How do narcissists and borderlines react when you catch them lying? As noted earlier, they use manipulation tactics to control their victims, to enlist allies and enablers (i.e., negative advocates), to punish their victims or targets of blame and to evade personal accountability and consequences. These manipulations include:
- Denial
- Deflection
- Projection
- Minimization
- Rationalization
- Historical revisionism
- Gaslighting
- Word salad.
In my experience, when caught lying they usually deploy a combination of some and/or all of them.
If you don’t accept the initial denial, deflection and emotionally manipulative word salad “explanations” they toss up, they add some projection and gaslighting into the mix and then repeat and escalate. These tactics are repeated until you agree that you’re the asshole and she’s the victim. Or, she deploys the nuclear warhead by uttering the magic words, “I feel unsafe,” and calling the police to falsely accuse you of abuse.
More Examples of How Narcissists and Borderlines React When They Are Caught Lying
Narcissists and borderlines, depending on their individual differences, can have the following reactions when their pathological lying is exposed. For example:
- The deer caught in headlights silent blank stare. “Crickets.” And then they pretend like the self-own never happened.
- The hostile eye daggers death stare that says, “I’m pissed because you got me and I can’t think of a lie or way to twist the situation around to play victim right now. But rest assured you’ll pay for this later.”
- The self-pitying hurt child silent blank stare with extra points for a pouty, quivering lower lip.
- The sociopathic smirk silent blank stare. This one is the most chilling, in my opinion.
- The playing dumb blank stare. This is often used in combination with gaslighting, concern trolling and/or playing cutesy little girl or cutesy little boy.
- The change the subject by bringing up unrelated and irrelevant points word salad. In other words, derail, tangent and distract.
- The “What about when you . . .” what about-ism word salad, which is another derail and distract tactic.
- The “Here’s why I’m really the victim and you should apologize to me” word salad. Otherwise known as “flipping the script.”
- The new age Facebook meme word salad incorporating false equivalencies with generous sprinklings of terms like empath, unconditional love, validation, honoring my feelings and the perennial bullshit My Truth™.
- The “You’re emotionally abusing me by holding me accountable using facts and logic” word salad.
- The overwhelm you with more lies on top of previous lies on top of the original lies word salad. This is a common tactic of some politicians. No mere mortal can fact-check in real time.
- The adult toddler temper tantrum word salad.
- The nuclear option. When all else fails and she can’t weasel around the objective facts or daze you with her word salad BS, she says the magic words. “I feel unsafe,” and threatens to call or actually calls the police.
A Client Example of How Narcissists and Borderlines React When Caught Lying.
BPD wife tells Client A she is going on a girls’ weekend yoga retreat to get over her break-up. In reality, BPD wife’s thrice-divorced girlfriend was having herself a perimenopausal hot girl summer. They went to a singles resort, not a yoga retreat center. Perimenopausal hot girl friend posted Insta stories in which Client A’s wife wife was twerking on and french kissing some random bar dude. When Client A confronted his BPD wife about it after she returned home, she gave him the following denial-deflection-projection-gaslighting-word salad-emotional manipulation combination:
- Blank look (“Uh-oh.“)
- Death stare (“Oh shit.“)
- Denial (“I did NOT!!“)
- Minimization (“It wasn’t that bad! You’re exaggerating!!!“)
- Blame shift (“You’re so jealous and controlling!!!“)
- Projection and Gaslighting. (“You’re the cheater!“)
- High velocity, emotional reasoning diarrhea word salad.
The BPD wife twisted things around and blamed her twerking make-out session about the time Client A made out with her sorority sister at a keg party 25 years ago before the two of them began dating. Also, they got married right out of college, so Client A, according to BPD wife, stole her youth. She “sacrificed her career” for Client A and the kids. In objective reality land, BPD wife didn’t actually want to work and her profligate spending sans financial contributions was a continuous source of conflict.
Why was Client A begrudging her a little harmless fun?! What a jealous, selfish bastard!!!
When none of these gambits worked, BPD wife demanded Client A hand over his phone because she “knew” he’d been cheating on her with their twin’s eighth grade teacher. Client A wasn’t cheating. BPD wife yanked his phone out of his hands. When Client A took took his property back by grabbing BPD wife’s hand, she felt “unsafe” and called the police.
This melange of manipulation can be applied to just about any scenario, big or small. In my experience, the more accurate my clients are in stating the objective facts, the angrier and more victimmy their toxic partners and exes become.
The Narcissist’s and Borderline’s Reaction Is the Confession
As previously noted, it is extremely rare that a narcissist or borderline will confess when they are caught lying. Well, they don’t, but they do. Meaning, these toxic individuals don’t confess like a non-disordered person confesses. You know, by actually confessing–by saying the words, “I did it and I’m sorry I hurt you.”
However, the NPD/BPD shuck and jive, manipulative obfuscations, deflections, blame shifting, and bloviating victim pity plays and/or outrage are the confession. This is how they react when their lies are exposed. Is it as gratifying or healing as if they were to sincerely take responsibility? Of course, not. But as with most things narcissist and borderline-related, it’s as good as you’re going to get.
Conclusion
Narcissists, borderlines and histrionics have other reactions to being exposed as liars, but these are the most common in my experience. After some time passes, the NPD, BPD or HPD usually claims not to remember anything about you accurately describing their behavior or making an irrefutable point. They may even claim the conversation never happened at all (i.e., gaslighting). For example, “I don’t know what you’re talking about. That’s not how I remember it. Why do you keep bringing up the past. You need to learn how to forgive and forget!”
They remember alright. And, they will retaliate. “Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of your life” (Humphrey Bogart, Casablanca).
Nevertheless, cherish these blank stare word salad days! They’re the closest thing you’re ever going to get to accountability and an admission of wrong doing. Then, run for cover because, “HOW!!! DARE!!! YOU!!!!!!!”
Counseling, Consulting and Coaching with Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD
Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD helps individuals with relationship and codependency issues via telephone or Skype. For over a decade, she has specialized in helping men and women break free of abusive relationships, cope with the stress of ongoing abuse and heal from the trauma. She combines practical advice, emotional support and goal-oriented outcomes. If you’d like to work with Dr. Palmatier, please visit the Schedule a Session page or you can email her directly at [email protected].
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