Narcissists will never be normal. Neither will histrionics, borderlines, psychopaths, or sociopaths. Don’t confuse their fleeting moments of seeming normalcy with actual normal behavior because…
THEY’RE NOT NORMAL!
Barring some miracle personality transplant, these individuals are unlikely to ever be normal—and by normal, I mean not personality disordered. Narcissists, borderlines, histrionics, psychopaths, and sociopaths have brains that are literally wired differently. This isn’t just a rhetorical statement; the differences are observable in brain scan images and activity.
Neurological studies have shown that narcissists, borderlines, and sociopaths have significant differences in brain regions responsible for empathy, self-regulation, and emotional control. For example, the prefrontal cortex, which governs decision-making and impulse control, often shows reduced activity, while the amygdala, tied to fear and aggression, may be hyperactive. This isn’t just a convenient excuse for their bad behavior—it’s a neurological reality that shows up on brain scans.
But let’s be clear, these differences don’t absolve them of responsibility for their abusive, dishonest, and often criminal behavior. They may have faulty wiring, but they still know how to manipulate others and control their behavior when it serves them. This is why accountability and consequences matter. Without meaningful consequences, there’s no incentive for them to manage the worst of their pathology and abuses.
Remember, if they can hide their malevolence during the love bombing stage, the mid- to high-functioning ones can control themselves when they choose. They manage to behave when:
- They’re seeking new narcissistic supply (e.g., during seduction or love bombing).
- They want to avoid a consequence (e.g., jail, divorce, court fines, or losing custody).
- They’re engaging in image management (e.g., appearing “good” rather than being good).
Don’t succumb to wishful thinking. These moments of decency aren’t random; they’re calculated. Narcissists, in particular, are masters of impression management, shifting gears to present a version of themselves that best serves their current goal. Don’t fall for it. These rare glimpses of “normal” behavior are part of the manipulation. It’s a dangerous trap to assume otherwise.
Narcissists will never be normal. So, don’t mistake their fleeting normalcy for actual change—it’s a recipe for disaster. I know I keep stating this, but it’s important!
What’s Happening During the Seeming Lulls of Normalcy?
Most likely, the narcissist, borderline, or histrionic is reloading their Crazy Super Soaker. Like the rest of us, even personality-disordered individuals need time to recharge, regroup, and sleep. Even the craziest ones.
Granted, many high-conflict individuals seem to possess superhuman powers, with endless energy for anger, aggression, and drama. Their rage fuels adrenaline, releasing neurochemicals that give them a high—a buzz that drives their malicious mischief. But despite their seeming ability to stay in constant battle mode, they also need time catch their breath and regroup.
Not so coincidentally, these “lulls” often align with the de-escalation and reconciliation stages of the abuse cycle. After the calm comes the tension-building phase, inevitably followed by the next round of abuse. What feels like a period of normalcy is actually just a reset in the cycle of manipulation and abuse.
It’s also a key element in the trauma bond—what keeps victims hooked. This is where the classic, “But she can be so nice sometimes!” comes into play. It’s intermittent positive reinforcement, working on a variable ratio reinforcement schedule, the same operant conditioning model that makes gambling so addictive. Eventually, the abuse cycle begins anew.
These infrequent acts of kindness or decency can create false hope and serve to disarm you. When a narcissist or borderline temporarily turns off the crazy-maker and behaves like a normal human being, it sows confusion. You start second-guessing your experiences, thinking, “Maybe they’ve changed.” This confusion, or cognitive dissonance, compounds their emotional manipulation, keeping you stuck in the relationship longer than is healthy or wise.
As for those “nice” lulls? Yeah, they’re not really all that nice. They’re just moments in which there’s an absence of abuse.
Narcissists, Borderlines, and Histrionics Won’t Ever Be “Normal”
No matter how normal they may seem at times, I repeat, narcissists will never be normal. Histrionics, borderlines, psychopaths, and sociopaths won’t be either. These personality types are not driven by the same hopes, fears, and desires as normies and codependents. They don’t care about harmonious, cooperative relationships. What they want is power, control, zero accountability, and the biggest slice of the proverbial pie.
Fairness, mutual respect, and equal partnership? Not even on their radar.
They thrive on zero sum games, dominating others through deception, manipulation, and abuse. This includes tactics like gaslighting, where they make you doubt your reality, or triangulation, where they pit people against each other to maintain control. And yes, playing the victim or using outright intimidation and bullying is part of their repertoire. (False victim narratives are highly emotionally manipulative and abusive to those falsely accused!)
What really energizes them is drama, power struggles, and petty gamesmanship. Their “normal,” is objectively abnormal by healthy human standards. This behavior, coupled with their disordered thinking, is precisely what qualifies them for the DSM as diagnostic criteria.
For victims, interacting with these individuals can lead to confusion, anxiety, and even long-term psychological trauma. The constant ups and downs of their behavior can create a state of emotional whiplash, making it difficult for you to trust your own perceptions.
Ultimately, they are not just out for personal gain—they disrupt relationships and social dynamics, bringing the chaos wherever they go.
Don’t Confuse a Narcissist’s Fleeting Moments of Normalcy with Being Normal
In these ephemeral moments of fake normalcy, you’re encountering a mask of normalcy—a false self designed to deceive and manipulate you. As mentioned earlier, you may find yourself in the “let’s pretend everything’s okay” stage of the abuse cycle. For instance, don’t mistake offers of extra cold-weather clothes for the kids, Christmas ornaments, or summertime garden vegetables as signs of genuine attempts to cooperatively co-parent. One of my clients refers to the summer garden offering as the “Trojan Rhubarb.”Beware of BPD exes bearing rhubarb!
When dealing with a narcissist, borderline, or histrionic parent and ex, who seems to be behaving normally, keep in mind they are likely:
1. In Between Relationships: They may feel less emboldened to show their usual rotten selves when they’re not in a relationship.
2. Dissatisfied with Their Enablers: If they’re between relationships or upset with their usual enablers, they might want something from you—like trading days, extra time for trips, or agreeing to change the kids’ schools or pediatrician.
3. Facing a Self-Inflicted Crisis: They might be out of a job (again) or dealing with some other personal disaster and are gearing up to ask you for money or favors.
4. Plotting Their Next Plot: They could already have their next Wile E. Coyote scheme in the works, feeling giddy dupers delight as they prepare to execute another Lucy Van Pelt. Yanking the football away and laughing as you fall on your back like Charlie Brown.
5. Burnt Out from Their Own Drama: After weeks of raging, controlling, and manipulating, they need a moment to regroup, hoping you won’t regain your stability during their “vulnerable” phase. Remember, while you may not take advantage, they project their own tendencies onto you.
6. Image Management: They’re putting on a facade to appear more appealing to others or to gain sympathy. They publicly display “normal” behavior while acting out in private.
7. Seeking Validation: They’re fishing for compliments or narcissistic supply, trying to bolster their self-worth.
8. Testing Boundaries: They could be testing if they can still manipulate or control you, gauging your reactions to their “normal” behavior, adjusting their tactics accordingly.
It’s crucial to recognize these moments of apparent normalcy for what they truly are: temporary interludes in a cycle of manipulation. These episodes can easily lead you to doubt yourself, fostering a dangerous hope that they might genuinely change. But as I’ve established, narcissists, borderlines, and histrionics will never be normal.
Conclusion
If you’re still married, don’t be fooled by non-apology apologies and empty promises that things will get better. These are likely dishonest attempts to escape the consequences of their toxic behavior. Otherwise known as a Hoover.
Trust nothing. Don’t indulge in wishful thinking that the the crazy eye of the crazy hurricane will last. It won’t. Do take advantage of these lulls or “Crazy down times” to accomplish positive things for yourself and the kids. Use this time to become healthier, stronger, and pursue your own interests.
Remember, in the world of narcissists, borderlines, and histrionics, fleeting moments of normalcy are just that—fleeting. Never forget, narcissists will never be normal. Stay vigilant, keep your guard up, and be careful out there!
Lastly, consider seeking support from a therapist who understands the unique challenges you face, especially one like myself who specializes in helping male abuse victims. You’re most definitely not alone. Recognizing your own worth and striving for a stable environment is crucial—not just for you, but also for your children. You deserve a healthy, peaceful life free from manipulation.
Counseling, Consulting and Coaching with Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD
Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD helps individuals with relationship and codependency issues via telephone or Skype. Since 2009, she’s specialized in helping men and women break free of abusive relationships, cope with the stress of ongoing abuse and heal from the trauma. She combines practical advice, emotional support and goal-oriented outcomes. If you’d like to work with Dr. Palmatier, please visit the Schedule a Session page or you can email her directly at [email protected].
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