Introduction: Do Narcissists and Borderlines Have a Type?
Yes, they do. But it’s not so much a “type” as a set of preferred traits. Narcissists and borderlines may focus on certain demographics—young, old, muscular, thin, or curvy. As they age, these preferences may change. Notice I didn’t say mature.
Some narcissists and borderlines seek “high-status” partners—wealthy, famous, talented, powerful, or successful. These partners feed the narcissist’s grandiose false self, the histrionic’s need for attention, and the borderline’s desire to be taken care of. But what initially attracts them soon turns into resentment and contempt. Eventually, they’ll try to destroy the very qualities they once admired.
Why? Because all of these individuals eventually devalue what they once idealized. Remember, the relationship stages are: idealization (love bombing), devaluation, and discard. Also, they typically covet qualities their false self makes a pretense of possessing, but in actuality, does not.
Other narcissists prefer “inferior” partners—someone with little money, no power, status, has legal problems, addiction issues, and other challenges—to boost their own sense of superiority. Once they’ve “elevated” you by choosing you, you better be damn grateful—and show it every single minute of every single day!
What Traits Do Narcissists and Borderlines Look For in a Target?
Narcissists, borderlines, and histrionics—like non-disordered people—have preferences when it comes to physical appearance, education, style, and hobbies. But those aren’t what make someone a target. What really matters to someone with NPD or BPD are the personality traits and trauma histories (theirs and yours) that make you easy prey—vulnerable and exploitable.
Their preferences often depend on a few key factors:
- The preferred type of narcissistic supply: This is what you’d typically see in a dating profile—money, status, admiration, specific leisure pursuits, or physical attractiveness.
- Availability of supply: If their ideal supply isn’t available, they aren’t picky. Any orifice in a storm will do!
- The narcissist’s or borderline’s demographics: Their own age, social status, or appearance can determine what kind of partner they seek. For example, a twenty-or 30-something BPD woman might look for a wealthy, forty-something protector-provider type who’s fresh out of a sexless marriage to an NPD ex. I see this configuration a lot in my practice. These guys jump out of the NPD fire and into a burn pit with a younger, sex bombing BPD.
- Childhood injuries: Unresolved childhood narcissistic injuries often shape the specific types of people they target. For instance, an NPD woman who had an absent or neglectful father may seek a partner who’s a good dad, only to become jealous and resentful of his kids from a previous marriage—eventually forcing him to choose between her and his children.
Narcissists and borderlines don’t just look for certain traits; they also gravitate toward specific personality types that make manipulation and control easier. Now let’s explore why enablers, codependents, and people with certain traits—like being nice, naive, and non-confrontational—are prime targets for narcissists and borderlines.
Enablers: Are You Narcissist Bait?
Regardless of demographics, narcissists and borderlines are always on the lookout for willing enablers. If you’re prepared to enable them until discard you do you part—congratulations! You’re perfect narc or BPD bait.
Narcissists, borderlines, and histrionics rely on enablers to maintain their delusions, avoid consequences, and protect their fragile false self. Without enablers, these individuals would likely face the consequences of their actions much sooner. In other words, they need you to keep the false self’s charade going and to be their “fixer.”
Do you make excuses for other people’s rotten behavior? Are you constantly cleaning up your partner’s messes, handling their crises, and smoothing over their conflicts? Do you have no problem lying for them to protect them from the consequences of their reckless or antisocial actions?
If you answered yes, yes, and yes, it’s time to seek professional support. Being an enabler can lead to emotional burnout, loss of self-worth, and feeling trapped in a toxic relationship. Understanding how and why you became an enabler is crucial—and most importantly, learning how to stop being one.
Codependents: Are You Confusing Being Needed with Being Loved?
Do you confuse being needed with being loved? Are you self-sacrificing to the point of being a doormat? Do you try to make yourself indispensable to others as a way to seek approval or avoid anger and abandonment? Are you involved in covert contracts—unspoken expectations in your relationships? For example, “If I ignore my needs and take care of Narcole until she becomes a completely different person, then it’ll be my turn!” That’s not how life works, by the way.
Narcissists and borderlines are drawn to codependents because they make perfect caretakers, endlessly giving without asking for much in return. Codependents’ fear of abandonment keeps them stuck in a cycle of trying to fix or please the NPD or BPD, even when it becomes clear that their efforts will never be reciprocated.
Not everyone in a relationship with a narcissist or borderline is codependent. But if you’ve had more than one encounter of the NPD/BPD kind, it’s time to explore why. Codependency is a dysfunction of interpersonal relating, meaning you relate to others in unhealthy ways. The emotional cost of codependency includes exhaustion, frustration, and the gradual erosion of your sense of self. If you don’t address your codependency, you’ll continue to attract narcissists, borderlines, histrionics, and other abusers.
The first step to breaking free from this pattern is recognizing it. Reflect on whether you’ve been prioritizing others’ needs at the expense of your own. Change begins with awareness.
The Three N’s: Nice, Naive and Non-Confrontational
Individually, these traits increase your vulnerability to being abused. Having all three? Well, that practically paints a bullseye on your forehead. Narcissists and borderlines love easy targets, and if you’re conflict avoidant, prepare to be bulldozed.
First, being nice and being kind are two different things. Being nice isn’t necessarily a problem—until it turns into people-pleasing at your own expense. Narcissists and borderlines thrive on exploiting niceness because they know nice people are less likely to call out their bad behavior.
Naivety makes you more likely to believe the narcissist’s lies or excuses. If you’re the type who gives people the benefit of the doubt, narcissists and borderlines will take advantage of your trusting nature. Remember the Charlie Brown and Lucy van Pelt football gag? Stop running up to kick that football, Charlie Brown—or at least ask Peppermint Patty to tee it up instead of Lucy. Heck, Patty might even be able to give Chuck some pointers on his form.
If you’re non-confrontational, you’re the perfect doormat. Narcissists see conflict avoidance as an opportunity to get away with even more. But remember, peacekeeping and appeasing are not the same thing. Appeasing a narcissist or borderline only gives them more power to control and manipulate you. As Winston Churchill famously said, “An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile, hoping it will eat him last.”
Other Traits Narcissists Seek in Targets: Agreeable, Conscientious, Compassionate, and Cooperative.
In addition to being nice, naive, and non-confrontational, narcissists and borderlines seek other traits that make for more easily exploitable targets. Let’s explore some of these qualities:
a) Agreeableness
Agreeable people prioritize social harmony. “They value getting along with others. They are generally considerate, kind, generous, trusting and trustworthy, helpful, and willing to compromise their interests with others” (Rothman and Coetzer, 2003). They’re also forgiving—sometimes to a fault.
Agreeableness is a wonderful quality. However, taken to an unhealthy extreme, it becomes people-pleasing and approval-seeking. Narcissists and borderlines bask in your agreeableness during the love-bombing stage. But in the devaluation stage, these same behaviors elicit their contempt and rage. The more agreeable you are, the nastier they become. This pattern often leaves agreeable people emotionally drained and questioning their own worth.
b) Conscientious
Conscientious people take their obligations seriously. They’re dutiful and aim to do things well. If you’re conscientious, you’re prime cannon fodder for the “O” in FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt)—the glue that holds abusive relationships together. Additionally, conscientious individuals feel Guilt when they believe they’ve failed to perform their Obligations.
Narcissists and borderlines use your sense of obligation and feelings of guilt as powerful manipulation tools. You’ll likely find yourself over-committing and feeling responsible for fixing everything. Conscientiousness is also a wonderful quality. Honor your commitments, but remember: You owe nothing to someone who abuses you.
c) Compassionate
Compassionate people seek to relieve the suffering of others. And who suffers more—or claims to—than narcissists and borderlines?! Well, besides their partners, children, and anyone else unlucky enough to get too close and see behind the mask of their false self.
Compassion is another beautiful quality that these individuals love to exploit. They’ll drain your empathy until you’re a desiccated husk of your former self. If you’re easily moved by pity, you’re a prime target for trauma dumping professional victims—a trauma dumper dumpster fire, if you will. Learn to be more discerning—compassion shouldn’t be given indiscriminately. In cas you haven’t noticed—there are bad people in the world. Eventually, this constant compassion can lead to emotional burnout, leaving you with nothing left to give and unable to take care of yourself and children.
d) Cooperative
Cloninger (1993) describes cooperative people as generally agreeable in relationships rather than “aggressively self-centered and hostile.” His research finds that low cooperativeness is linked to personality disorders. Cooperative people are socially tolerant, empathetic, and helpful, in contrast to those who are intolerant, callous, and vengeful.
You can see why narcissists, borderlines and other predators like cooperative targets. You’re the yin to their yuck. Cooperation, when weaponized, often means you’re sacrificing your own needs and values to keep the peace—playing right into their hands.
While these traits—agreeableness, conscientiousness, compassion, and cooperativeness—are wonderful qualities, they become vulnerabilities in the hands of narcissists and borderlines. Understanding how these traits are used against you is the first step in breaking free from the toxic dynamics.
Cult of One: How Narcissists Build Their Own Following
Do narcissists and borderlines have a type? You betcha. Narcissists aren’t just looking for targets—they’re creating their own personal “cults,” with themselves at the center. Here’s another question: What do narcissists and cult recruiters have in common? They seek similar traits in their victims, manipulating those with the right combination of vulnerabilities to keep them hooked.
According to Michael Langone, PhD (2006), cult recruiters look for victims with the following traits—traits that also make perfect targets for narcissists and borderlines:
- Dependent and emotionally needy.
- Socially isolated—has an intense desire to belong.
- Hungry for approval and validation—hello, love bombing!
- Looking for a higher purpose or identity.
- Unassertive and has a hard time saying no.
- Disillusioned—e.g., with society, Internet dating, and relationships in general?
- Gullible, or easily duped or conned.
- Believer in fate, or that “everything happens for a reason.”
- Naive idealist, or only sees the good in others—how many times have you asked, “Who acts like that?!“
- Low self-worth, self-confidence and self-esteem.
- Emotionally and psychologically vulnerable—have you suffered a recent loss or highly stressful event?
Narcissists, borderlines, and histrionics, like cult leaders, thrive by surrounding themselves with people who won’t challenge them, who will fulfill their emotional needs, and who are easy to control. If you recognize yourself in these traits, you need to do something about it. It’s important that you address these issues to become a less appealing target to narcissists, borderlines, and other relationship predators.
Conclusion
As you can see, narcissists and borderlines do have a type. It’s not necessarily about appearance, education, age, or other social demographics. It’s about personality traits that make you more vulnerable and, therefore, a more attractive target.
The good news? You can change that. By becoming more assertive, building your self-esteem, and developing better judgment, you’ll be able to spot the red flags of NPD/BPD behavior early on. Strengthening your boundaries and learning to say no are essential steps. Equally important is practicing discernment when being agreeable, conscientious, cooperative, and compassionate. All of this is within your control.
How will you know you’ve turned a corner? When you no longer care what narcissists and borderlines do or why they do it. When their thoughts and actions no longer consume your mental energy, that’s when you’ll know you’ve moved onward and upward. In other words, you’ll no longer be reading my articles and watching my videos! As sad as that will be for me, rest assured—I’ll be happy for you.
Counseling, Consulting and Coaching with Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD
Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD helps individuals with relationship and codependency issues via telephone or Skype. For over a decade, she has specialized in helping men and women break free of abusive relationships, cope with the stress of ongoing abuse and heal from the trauma. She combines practical advice, emotional support and goal-oriented outcomes. If you’d like to work with Dr. Palmatier, please visit the Schedule a Session page or you can email her directly at [email protected].
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