Being in a relationship with a narcissist or borderline can feel absolutely amazing at first. Like magic. The love bombing or seduction is over the top, intoxicating and fast — especially if you have codependency issues stemming from childhood.
At long last, you finally feel loved, adored and accepted. It’s the ephemeral twilight time, a delicious pink bubble in which you fall in love with the woman or man of your dreams, or so you think. Once the honeymoon phase is over and the inevitable devaluation stage begins, she or he becomes your worst nightmare.
If you want your life back you will have to take it.
The narcissist or borderline typically won’t let you do so without a fight. Even when the break up or divorce is her or his idea, they will want to control how the separation occurs, the break up narrative (e.g., the narcissist is all good, you’re all bad) and may even keep you twisting in the wind should the new narcissistic supply not work out.
These individuals are relationship parasites. They feed from you emotionally, psychologically, physically and/or financially. At some point in your relationship, probably just as the love bombing/honeymoon stage was coming to an end, there was most likely a seminal moment. Sometimes this is referred to as a shit test.
It’s when your narcissist or borderline really tested your limits and boundaries to gauge just how far she or he could take things. It was also the first big power grab. For example, right after moving in together, Tim wanted Roberta to accompany him to see his former roommate’s band at a local pub. He hadn’t seen his friends for a couple of months in the whirlwind of their new relationship and wanted to go for a set to support his friend. Roberta didn’t want to go. She told Tim his friends were “gross” and accusatorily asked what was wrong with Tim that he liked “those people.”
Nevertheless, Roberta begrudgingly accompanied Tim, complaining and pouting en route. At the venue, she barely spoke to anyone and made it clear that she didn’t want to be there. On the drive home, all hell broke loose. Roberta verbally savaged Tim and told him she was moving out the following day. Tim was crushed. He didn’t understand how wanting to see his friend’s band play for 30 minutes had mushroomed and spiraled out of control into Roberta breaking up with him. Roberta continued to coldly rage the next morning before work.
Tim was a wreck all day. After Roberta arrived home, he apologized and let her know how much he loved her and wanted to make it work. Roberta smiled that smile (i.e., the Sociopathic Smirk), accepted Tim’s apology and reinforced (more like rubbed his nose in it) that Tim must learn to be more sensitive to her wants, needs, sensitivities, blah, blah, blah. Tim felt immediate relief and continued to apologize. He also never made the “mistake” of asking or even expecting Roberta to do anything she didn’t want to do ever again.
Okay, so what happened in this example?
Tim made a reasonable request. Roberta didn’t want to go because she didn’t like or feel comfortable around Tim’s friends. Why? Roberta couldn’t control Tim’s friends and felt ashamed around them because they knew she had cheated on her former boyfriend when she got together with Tim. Roberta was also beginning to isolate Tim and test his limits. Ultimately, Tim let go of his friendships and Roberta consolidated her control of the relationship. As this was happening, Tim didn’t see it. His goal was to make Roberta happy and preserve the relationship at all costs — even at the price of his self-respect and other relationships.
Once that seminal moment occurs and you give your power away to the NPD/BPD, like a frog in a pot coming to a slow boil, she or he will incrementally break you down, train you to comply, to do for them, to not expect much, if anything, in return and foster a dependence upon her or his approval (i.e., the carrot on the stick that dangles forever out of reach). The narcissist or borderline usually doesn’t give up this kind of power and control without a fight.
As mentioned earlier, even if she or he initiates the break up, they rarely allow you to go easily. Heaven help you, regardless of who makes the decision to end it, if you take your power back and leave on your terms. Ditching a narcissist or borderline requires a specific mind set. It means putting yourself first and letting go of the fear, obligation and guilt (FOG) that many abusive personalities use to manipulate their targets. It also means taking care of business when you’re most likely wading through the stages of grief. None of this is easy.
How do you reclaim your life from a narcissist or borderline?
Accept reality. You must let go of any fantasies or wishful thinking regarding the possibility of change for the better. You can’t change or fix these individuals. Even when she or he claims to want help, all they really want is to be enabled, to continue to do as they’ve always done. The reality is that a narcissist or borderline has a limited emotional landscape, a lack of personal accountability and empathy and a self-serving morality and conscience. They are often hypocrites and liars.
Don’t indulge in any delusions about maintaining a friendship, an equitable division of assets or the like. You’ve seen behind the narcissist’s mask and for that she or he will want you to suffer. They probably also feel a tremendous amount of contempt for you because you allowed yourself to be turned into a doormat. They’re used to bullying and bulldozing you and will expect to be able to continue to do so. Once you break it off and say, “No more,” the NPD/BPD will view you as their mortal enemy. Behave accordingly and protect yourself.
Make an exit plan. You can’t heal while in a relationship with a narcissist, borderline, sociopath or whatever you want to call these individuals. You need time and distance for that to happen. Don’t tell the narcissist you’re leaving (or that she or he will be leaving) and that the relationship is over until you’re ready to pull the rip cord. Of course, if there are children involved or the home is marital property you will most likely need an attorney. Preferably one who has a good deal of experience with high-conflict cases.
Exiting an abusive relationship can be an extremely difficult and painful thing to do. You’re letting go of all the hopes and dreams you had at the beginning of the relationship. Keeping your plans secret until you’re ready to execute might just spare you any confusing Hoovers, suicide threats and false allegations of abuse to the police or children’s safety authorities not to mention property damage, preemptive smear campaigns (although your narc has probably already engaged in that all along) and any other nasty tricks she or he can concoct.
Go on self-preservation autopilot. Depending upon how much time you’ve spent with your narcissist, she or he has probably gotten into your head to some degree. Their insults, invalidating commentary, projections and gaslighting have undoubtedly caused you to question your self-worth and ability to survive without her or him. This is bullshit, of course. Not only will you survive without your narcissist or borderline, you will thrive. Think about it, who needs who? Does the human being with blood and a pulse need the vampire or does the vampire need the fresh blood supply? Does the host need the parasite, or does the parasite need the host?
The narcissist can’t survive without a mirror. That’s why they so frequently begin an affair before they end their present relationship. They don’t have the capacity to grieve, and by having your replacement in the wings before you’re out the door they bypass the grieving process or having to look at themselves and their behavior in any meaningful way. However, they also don’t derive the wisdom and healing that comes from going through it. You don’t need your narcissist.
Document the abuse. Talk to trusted friends and family members. Let them know what’s been going on. Please be certain you can trust any potential confidante. I can’t emphasize this strongly enough! If shared children are involved, talk with an attorney or therapist who specializes in these issues. They can help you devise an exit strategy and explain the kind of documentation that will be helpful (e.g., audio recordings of abuse that occur in front of the children, threats to file false police reports, parenting logs, etc.) Never underestimate the narcissist’s or borderline’s capacity to lie convincingly if only for a short while and the extreme measures and treacheries they’ll commit to even the score and preserve their false public persona.
Harden your heart — quit protecting your narcissist from themselves and protect yourself instead. She can’t pay the bills on her own. She can’t find a rental willing to take her and her 26 rescue cats and 15 rescue horses. Whatever. None of her or his issues and bad choices need to be your problem anymore. They were never yours in the first place. She or he dumped them onto you and made them your responsibility and you allowed it to happen. Her irresponsibility is not your responsibility. Her pathology is not yours to bear. Shrug it all off. Be single-minded in carrying out your decision to free yourself. If you show weakness (e.g., feeling sorry for her or feeling guilty for kicking her out) she will smell it like a shark detecting chum in the water and exploit it.
Deliver appropriate consequences for boundary violations and any criminal acts your narcissist or borderline perpetrates before, during and after the break-up. Don’t allow yourself to squirm out of taking proportional and lawful self-protective measures out of pity or “not wanting the mother of [your] children” to have a record if she assaults you or destroys your property. Adult abusers are basically overgrown schoolyard bullies. They don’t stop messing with their targets until they experience real punishment for doing so or are made to stop by an authority greater than themselves like law enforcement.
Set the record straight with people who matter to you. Narcissists and borderlines do love a good smear campaign. If you care about the opinion of any mutual friends or in-laws, you may want to consider setting the record straight with them immediately after you leave — ideally before the narcissist realizes what’s happening. The narcissist will lie, distort and exaggerate. She or he will claim that you are guilty of abuses and perfidies she or he actually committed. Ultimately, it doesn’t matter. You will have told others the truth and your narcissist will lie. If people are paying attention, the narcissist’s lies will become more fantastical and contradictory over time.
NO CONTACT, NO CONTACT, NO CONTACT. You need peace in order to heal and that means putting as much physical and emotional distance between you and your NPD/BPD as possible. In other words, go No Contact. This is easy for some and very difficult for others. Don’t respond to emails, texts or voicemails. Don’t answer calls from unknown numbers. Avoid places your ex is likely to be. Don’t visit their social media. Tell any remaining shared friends or acquaintances that you’d rather not hear any updates — unless it’s six ‘o’ clock newsworthy embarrassing material and then maybe. If there aren’t any shared children, there is really no reason to have any communication once it’s over. Property disputes can be handled through attorneys. Any continued contact is just an opportunity for the narcissist or borderline to continue to manipulate you or cause mischief. Don’t do it.
Be prepared to let go of other relationships — power wash your life. This can be tough especially if you gave up friendships and your own family during the relationship with the narcissist or borderline. Unfortunately, mutual friends and acquaintances often become weak links in your effort to take back your life. It’s a form of collateral loss, but it can also be an opportunity to clear out the rot, till the soil and grow new, healthier friendships. Narcissists and borderlines usually don’t attract healthy people to their inner circle. Unless they’re the hermit variety they often have an odd assortment of sycophants, lackeys, stooges, enablers, fly by night exploitative manipulators, ne’er do wells and the occasional genuinely nice person who buys into her or his false self/mask of normalcy. Hose it all off.
Deafen your ears. Lots of narcissists and borderlines like to make baseless, litigious threats at the end of the relationship. I once worked with a woman whose extremely narcissistic ex tried to bully her into signing a NDA (non-disclosure agreement) for both him and the woman with whom he cheated on her! He threatened her with lawsuits including suing her for two years worth of his income and his mistress’ income if she told anyone about his infidelity and his eventual physical assault upon her. He even threatened her with the FBI! Totally crazyballs. In the end, it’s usually just a lot of sound and fury. It doesn’t mean anything. It’s the equivalent of an angry toddler calling you a poopyhead. Did I mention No Contact?
Embrace the grieving process. Don’t confuse the pain of grief as an indication that you’ve made a mistake. Loss hurts. Oftentimes the healthiest choices are also the most difficult and painful. Your grief process will be compounded if you have unresolved childhood and family of origin issues. Don’t run from the pain, walk into it. It will eventually pass. Focus on you and what attracted you to the narcissist or borderline, not why the narcissist is a narcissist or the borderline is a borderline. What made you vulnerable? Why did you tolerate the abuse? Why did you give away your power, dignity and self-respect in exchange for “love?” Real love doesn’t demand these sacrifices and degradations. If you do have family of origin issues, be patient. You didn’t develop these vulnerabilities overnight and you won’t rid yourself of them as quickly as you’d like.
Take care of your physical and emotional health. Taking care of ourselves often falls by the wayside when in a relationship with a narcissist or borderline. They resent any acts of self-care in which you engage especially if it takes attention away from them and if it makes you stronger. Abusers like their targets weak because it makes it easier for them to control you. Work toward eating healthfully, getting regular exercise, improving your sleep habits and limit your alcohol and recreational drug use. Drugs and drink will mask the feelings you need to feel or make you feel even worse, so take it easy and don’t try to numb yourself or escape the grief.
Get outdoors. Seek solace in nature. Fresh air, sunshine, trees, lakes and mountains are a tonic. Long walks can help bring things into perspective and clear the head. If you allowed friendships to fall by the wayside because your ex sucked up all the oxygen in your life, rebuild your social circle. Reach out to old friends. Reconnect with family members. Re-engage in activities or pursuits that your ex resented and made it impossible for you to enjoy. If they acted out at Christmastime, get yourself the biggest tree you can fit into your home. If they had issues with food and weight, eat a hot fudge sundae in bed.
Reclaiming your life from one of these predators can seem impossible at first, but that’s just another lie your narcissist or borderline sold you. It is possible. If you want your life back, don’t expect her or him to meekly release you. The price of freedom is potentially incurring their narcissistic rage. If you want to get to the other side you will most likely have to pay the troll under the bridge before you can walk across it and blow it up. It can seem like a daunting and overwhelming task, but what’s the alternative? What is your joy and well-being worth? What is your life worth? I’ll tell you one thing, it’s worth more than wasting it on someone who will never be able to truly love.
Counseling, Consulting and Coaching with Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD
Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD helps individuals work through their relationship and codependency issues via telephone or Skype. She specializes in helping men and women trying to break free of an abusive relationship, cope with the stress of an abusive relationship or heal from an abusive relationship. She combines practical advice, emotional support and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Schedule a Session page for professional inquiries.
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Hello Dr. Tara.
Thank you for such an awesome post. Loved the humour parts a lot like relationship parasites, Sociopathic Smirk(this one made my day Haha!), a frog in a pot coming to a slow boil, Does the human being with blood and a pulse need the vampire or does the vampire need the fresh blood supply? Does the host need the parasite, or does the parasite need the host?, her 26 rescue cats and 15 rescue horses, she will smell it like a shark detecting chum in the water and exploit it, Mr. Tim & Crazy Roberta story etc.
Doctor It’s a universal truth that No Contact is the only antidote to the crazy venom. I mean the longer the period of NC the stronger will be the resistance. Also Crazies go rabid after getting defeated in their own games this is the most enjoyable part but also the most dangerous one, one should be alert all the time and I highly recommend watching the movie ‘Fatal Attraction’ almost everyday :-p.
But the most difficult part is to forgive them. I found a way and that is to have pity on them like you have pity on a homeless person or a beggar. Like we can say to ourselves, Oh they will never know what true love is but I will, they will never know how beautiful life can be but I will, they will never have a stable life but I will, they will never find someone who will love them but I will, they will never meet beautiful good people but I will etc. I mean just add ‘BUT I WILL’ and anyone can have supremacy over a Bpd or Npd in his or her mind and then it becomes much easier to forgive them and move on without creating any kind of Bulls*** Drama.
Again Thank you so much Dr. Tara, God Bless You. Have a beautiful day. 🙂
You’re welcome and thank you for the kind feedback, TM.
Another excellent post, Dr. Tara. I found your website about a month ago and can’t get enough of your articles. I wish I had found them decades ago. Thank you for sharing your wisdom and for helping us out.
Thank you, Newphilprof.
Hello Dr Tara,
Another great post. As strange as it might seem, three months out after separating with my confirmed BDP wife, is that I don’t feel alone any more. I felt alone through our 4 years of marriage and 10 year relationship. Not being able to speak to someone about intimate feelings, whether it was a bad day at work or relative being sick, or me feeling blue because of our relationship. I always knew where it would end. I would then bottle it up and not speak to anyone about my feelings. If you can’t speak to your wife who can you speak to……….
One of the first things I did when we separated was to tell the people that matter in my life the truth. I told them about the abuse, the manipulation and infidelity. Some were shocked and others not so. It is surprising how many people after the fact came to me and said”did you ever notice”or “I found that a bit strange”. What was strange and a shock was that they listened, cared and showed empathy. It is making me teary writing this as it was what I sorely missed in our relationship .
I was the “frog in the boiling water”, and unfortunately until looking back at what I went through, you just don’t realise how wrong it was. Fortunately I have a wonderful 6 year old but unfortunately I will need to co parent with the CB. The intimidation both for custody and finances has begun. Fortunately I have a great psychologist who deals with abusive relationships that has been stepping me through the process. It is amazing how she has played out like a text book. I know the “fun” is just beginning. I just wan’t to protect my son and myself.
I am coming to the realisation, that being replaced and discarded though it sucks and hurts, is a gift that she never knew she gave. I do not pity the new man in her life.
All the best and great work.
I agree. It’s usually far more lonely being in a relationship with a narcissist or borderline than it is being out of the relationship. Perhaps it’s the difference between being physically alone vs. feeling lonely.
Yes, as painful as the discard can be, it is your liberation if you choose to take it. As for co-parenting with your ex — forget it. If you haven’t done so already, please read up on parallel parenting.
This is really helpful. Specific and concise. I have been re-posting your work on facebook and people have been asking me, OK what do I do now? In my life I thank you for the reminder that leaving a narcissist relationship causes me to thrive, I didn’t really notice that before. These folks are epidemic, from my past lover, to the mechanic to the guy that sells me fish….”I would prefer to have the piece of salmon without bones,” I say..”Well, all fish have bones” he replies (invalidating)…”No, just the ones you can’t sell and are trying to sell to me, I will take the piece of salmon from the tail without the bones or I will find another supplier”, “Sir you don’t have to be rude”, “Well thank you for that bit of psychoanalyzing but I prefer to analyze myself, when will my fish be ready?”….Sharon Bowers book, Asserting Yourself has lots of good strategies for dealing with these guys, she calls them ‘downers’.
I have often wondered why I feel guilty when I end one of these relationships or assert myself. Fear Obligation and Guilt were actually there all the time, it’s just that I became aware of it, out of the fog.
When I started to assert myself in my marriage, with a woman who also had the gene for Huntingtons disease, the relationship ended, the FOG was incredible, and the family therapist I saw, said run and don’t look back, which I did, taking the consequences of bankruptcy and financial hardship with me.
It was worth it, and I have recovered and I am thriving. I use Dr. Ellis’s REBT, Dr. Bowers’s assertiveness techniques, but I tell you, this information from your site and your book, have given me the underlying core issues, and cleared the FOG.
So I am housecleaning, ending some relationships and nurturing others.
Self defeating or self helping. I now have some guidelines to help me make these decisions.
Many thanks indeed.
Jerald
Thank you for sharing my work, Jerald. Onward and upward!
I literally just messed around and looked at my ex’s instagram online. I felt bad for doing it and decided to check this blog. Thank god this article came out today. The steps do help and constant reminders really are important. I have to realize that I should never look back. Sure I miss the family because they were cool but not her. Just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other. Please continue your good work.
Avoid the social media, Jackie — unless it’s a source of amusement. Even so, Netflix is better.
I am a kindred spirit. I find myself looking online for mentally disturbed women I had relationships with many years ago. I have gotten much better and have moved on and I feel much better. If I could just let go of the negative ‘mantra’ I have in my head thanks to my parents. I just recently Heard a woman speak about how we can’t move on without letting go of harmful things from the past. When I Heard her say that I instantly had a Picture spring up in my head of how my Life was like a ship on an ocean and the negative things in my Life are like huge anchors chained to my ship. If I don’t cut these chains and get rid of these anchors then my ship can’t go forward.
Thank you much for the education provided. This article is like you looked inside my life.
I love her more than she knows. They are so self absorbed they are blinded. She loved me, but the monster won.
Just couldn’t trust her after the explosion. Oh they are real sorry, but lets not bring it up any more. Matter of fact….lets sweep it under this rug.
Nope. I established boundries and held on. It got better for a few weeks. Then the monster is back. Finally went No Contact.
Still healing….relying on God, in therapy and reading great materials like this article.
Thanks Dr. for helping me keep my sanity. Showing us all, they are out there in large amounts. We are not alone or crazy.
My story has been going on for over seven years. Thankfully I did not marry her. The problem is leaving. She will stop at nothing. I have no problem standing up to her and telling her it is over, but she physically blocks me. She tells me she will lie to the police if I call for help. She stood in my garage and started screaming that I was abusing her as she stopped me from leaving. When I finally got away she became suicidal and insisted that if I called anyone to help she would tell them I had been abusing her (she was arrested for domestic abuse after destroying my phone, trapping me by throwing all of my clothes out the window, hitting me and screaming at me for hours because a friend posted “cute picture” on a picture of US on Facebook!). I don’t know where to begin. She uses her son to trap me. She uses physical threats knowing that I can’t touch her or I will end up in jail after she lies to the police. She has broken into my house. The stories are so long and crazy I don’t know where to begin. I know I am weak in allowing her to use these things to manipulate me. She will insist that I buy tickets for a trip together in order for her to let me go, then tell her son about it so I can’t back out. I feel lost in a universe where horrible things happen so often that it seems normal. She has isolated me from my family and friends because they treated her ” so badly” – how convenient. I have a sense of loyalty that makes it very hard to leave and she uses that. I don’t know what to do!
This sounds like a good time to have a taperecorder or use a cellphone and record her threats and asking her about lying to the police and her threatening to do so so that you have evidence ón your side. I had a wife who Always used suicide to manipulate me and others.
Need to be careful with that.
Some places, like the communistwealth of Massachusetts, have a dual-consent law.
This means you can’t record someone without their permission – despite the supreme court’s rulings you can be recorded in public, no expectation of privacy.
Police will use this against you – while they record you, under “implied consent” rules.
So know your local laws first.
New Jersey, for instance, as long as YOU know you’re being recorded and consent (I’d guess recording your own conversations would be implicit consent), the other parties aren’t relevant.
-Jean
If she knows I’m leaving she hides things – my wallet, keys, work computer. When I found my wallet and left she accused me of stealing my wallet from her because she didn’t give it to me. She blocked the doors and screamed horrible things at me for hours until I gave in. She tells me all of my friends are not really my friends because they don’t really know me just my facade. That no woman could ever love me because I’m emotionally unavailable- yes, to someone who treats me so horribly! Seven years of horrible BPD gaslighting and abuse… I don’t know what is normal any more.
These are excellent observations, and directives toward self care. There’s definitely been collateral loss, from power-washed “friendships”, when
separating from the ex years ago.
And, these are excellent cautions. Contemplating what I call the Roomful of Vampires problem, I wasn’t overly shocked to find that my
boss is One Of Them…. but I was a little. So, the cautions regarding documentation, and expected retaliation when you/I break
it off are timely, and helpful. I’ll be consulting a lawyer before I do.
I’ve seen the Sociopathic Smirk too many times.
Dear Tara,
I just saw this site today and read this article… and I wish I had read this a long long time ago. It is painfully relatable and quite eye opening. Last year I cut off my relationship with my ex best friend who was both a narcissist and a bpd. She sucked the warmth and joy out of me. I was nothing but nice to her. I’ve had a shitty family life. I saw her sad so I decided to take care of her. I’m 19 and I took all her emotional burdens and straightened them. She always tried and tested my limits. I stayed her best friend even though I was in love with her. I ended it when she asked me out after months of showing her I loved her, but after 2 days she told me she was joking when she asked me out. I asked her twice when she asked me out, because by then I had a faint inkling of how her manipulation and mind games worked… I finally drew some courage and self respect and broke it off with her. She kept messaging me that she missed me but I knew she missed using me and that she didn’t have an emotional tampon anymore. I blocked her off of social media and felt so much better. I’m slowly getting on my feet. I gained a lot of weight after I lost her, but now I’m recovering slowly. Its a long and painful process to become whole and normal again. I think about her from time to time and miss the little things. But I have to accept reality that she’s out there fucking other dudes and she doesn’t give a fuck unless I come back and be a doormat to her. I wanted to thank you personally for writing this article and for giving me hope that it gets better. Cheers, have a great day 🙂
IF YOUR LEAVING A RELATIONSHIP, READ AND UNDERSTAND EVERY WORD IN THIS ARTICLE. Plan every step. Do not underestimate the lengths your partner will actually go in order to regain control of the situation after you tell her your leaving.
One of the previous articles on this site described that winning isn’t just important to a personality disordered individual, it’s everything. I’ve seen this put into play and the lengths that the person in my life went through to try to get herself out of the reality spotlight was severe. I suffered reputation damage from her false allegations for over a year and I will be feeling the financial damage for years to come. All this could have been avoided if I had left the home after I announced the separation and made sure it was safe before returning. Also filing the divorce before making the announcement is crucial.
This article also uses a vampire metaphor, which is as accurate as it is spooky for me as I thought of a similar visual going through my ordeal. Watching the real person I was married to finally being exposed in court was like watching a vampire being dragged into the light of the sun. As awful as she was to me, it was still hard to watch. At least now I understand that my sympathy makes me vulnerable.
But because I didn’t understand the advice offered in this article about LEAVING SAFELY, I had to deal with a bogus domestic assault charge made eight days after I announced my exodus from the relationship. A mistake that cost me another ten grand on top of the divorce, getting thrown out of a home I owned and furnished prior to meeting her and then having her tell everyone that would listen that I beat her. People close to us didn’t buy it. Eventually everyone that mattered, including the court, figured out she was off even though she’s super bright, highly educated and sounds good at first. She is decent at flying under the radar, but I collected enough evidence that she couldn’t blur the facts enough to confuse family court. Know that it’s hard enough divorcing a person like this but even with legally solid proof she was a serial abuser of the legal system, dismissing the domestic assault charges she made against me with one phone call was not easy or cheap at all. I was sleeping when she called, have zero criminal record outside parking tickets. My point. Plan your exit because one phone call will throw a wrench in your plans you won’t easily or cheaply fix.
A sincere thank you to Dr Palmatier for caring enough to put her time and resources into creating a site that is a place where I learned I wasn’t alone, I wasn’t crazy and is stocked with articles that helped me get my footing and get myself to a place where I could take my life back. You’ve created a place that made a difference in my life. Thank you.
I concur with this advice.
I also had no record to speak of when she called the police after blocking the doorway. That aspect of the divorce (+ alienating the kids) put so much pressure and cost so much money that I gave in. Gave her all that she wanted so that I could live my life in peace.
Sole custody. All the remaining assets. Visitation with her permission.
I have not seen the kids in almost two years.
I think that it wouldn’t have turned out that way if I knew how to do it from the get-go.
At least I am free.
Hello, Dr. Tara. I thoroughly enjoyed your article. I am new to this site because I just became aware that my boyfriend’s ex of almost 10 years is an emotional abuser. I am trying to learn all that I can so if I am able, I can give him good advice to help his healing process. What I don’t see in this article is how does he have no contact when there are children involved? Due to her manipulations, he did not get any custody rights to the children, she ran up his credit card debt and he had to go bankrupt (now his credit rating is very poor), and he pays child support for 4 children (even the 2 who are 20 & 22 because they go to college part time). My point is he can’t afford to take her to court and must bend to her every whim if he wants to see his children. He is steadfast in his belief that he nurture them and himself by spending as much time as he can with them to show them another side of parenting that is gentle, kind and loving without manipulation. And despite my serious reservationa with him having to deal with this monster who has shattered his ego almost complwtely, I totally agree with him. How in the world does he have “no contact” with his extremely controlling ex who is trying to manipulate him back to her side? (She is using the kids for that purpose as well.)
It’s a challenge to talk about an emotionally abusive relationship online. I know my BPD/NPD (diagnosed) ex tells people that I was abusive. Listing mean or upsetting comments or actions from a 27-year marriage is the ultimate he-said she-said dispute and mentally unproductive.
In my case, there were remarkable physical changes that occurred almost to the day I moved out from my ex and moved in with my girlfriend five years ago. Almost overnight:
1. Blood pressure normalized. I was on three meds and my BP was still over 140. Since the day I moved out, I have not had a reading over 120/80 and I am not taking any med that targets BP.
2. HDL cholesterol normalized. I was on a statin, but it didn’t help my low HDL (“good”) cholesterol. My HDL shot up from 25 to 60 and has remained there for 5 years.
3. Diarrhea cured. I had chronic diarrhea and took Imodium like it was breath mints. I was in the john up to 8 times a day and was even incontinent. I suffered tremendous abuse over the incontinence episodes, even though I was the one that did all the laundry in the household. Doctors could not find the problem after extensive tests. I did notice that every time I went on a business trip or my ex left town that my symptoms cleared up. Sure enough, I have had normal GI function for the past 5 years with no treatment whatsoever and I threw away my Imodium.
4. Forgetfulness gone. I was rapidly losing my memory and considered myself to be hopelessly “absent-minded” Despite being 5 years older, my memory is back to where it was 20 years ago.
5. Sinus infections. I had these several times a year and took long courses of antibiotics. Suddenly vanished and no trace of sinus problems for 5 years.
It’s tempting to think that emotional abuse is “not real” because no one is hitting you and making bruises. But these physical changes, which are all documented in my medical records, are hard evidence that my ex had adverse effects on me. To me, this is much more persuasive than a list of unkind words and deeds.
I was glad to find this blog, recently I found this and articles on Gaslighting and suddenly found a voice to describe all I had gone through for the past 20 years. It suddenly made sense and I found myself saying wow I am not crazy.
Over time I have gone through a lot and felt isolated beyond words at times due to what I was being told and the constant feeling of walking on egg shells that forced me to retreat. As time went on I became more withdrawn and found my motivation lacking. This was made worse by dealing with PTSD after I returned from Iraq. When I eventually sought help for that I was blasted by her with her telling me I should be talking to her not a therapist because we are supposed to be best friends and who else would understand me.
While I was overseas unaccompanied I would have to call home at what ever time she set and almost never got to talk to the kids and then she refused to send photos of the kids unless I sent her photos of myself. Over time the calls home got more and more to the point where I dreaded them and unsure what would set her off. When took up photography as a form of therapy she attacked me telling me that I knew photography was her thing and how could I take that from her. When I volunteered with Scouts because I am an Eagle and could not be with my own she attacked me telling me that it would be nice if I did that with my own children instead of strangers. I took up diving and started working with the wounded warrior program and teaching diving and she asked how long was this little diving thing going to keep up. When I was asked to take part in Theater of War to talk about my war time experiences it lead to another one sided fight. All leading to me concluding it was better not to talk or share things for fear I would be attacked or it would start a fight. I at one point tried to point out that I was doing a lot of volunteer work and that was a good thing and a good way to spend my time and I could be out partying and acting responsible but wasn’t that received another blast asking if that was what I wanted to really do and I pointed out no I was just trying to say I do a lot of good with my time and I enjoy it and do not understand why it is an issue. While overseas she controlled my money limiting me to a set amount and I had to justify what I spent even for things like new shoes.
When I came home she would never come into the airport to meet me, she was often late sometimes by an hour or more and as I had no cell phone I never knew what was going on. When she did show she would often be dressed in worn and dirty clothing and tell me she had not shaved her legs in sometime or showered and then attack me because I dressed up to fly home after not having been home in months she would then go after me because I would not immediately want to be intimate. On the occasions we were I was rarely touched and she would tell me it was about her and I should do more to hold her interest and get her ready for it. It got very heated when I decided to workout and get back in shape and was proud of the progress I made. At a Christmas party I got compliments that I looked healthier. The moment everyone left the house she went off on me for telling people how much I had weighted when they asked, that I lowered my BP, and felt better, all the while telling me she would like to lose weight too and how hard it was and how could I do this to her. It got bad enough that I dreaded going on leave and going home, I wanted to see the kids but that meant dealing with her. On another visit my daughter and I were goofing around and I put magnetic ear rings on and we were laughing, she yelled at me and told me I was not 20 and to take the earring off. If I had seen a new movie overseas she refused to see it or have the kids see it with me because I had already seen it.
When I at last moved back to the states I resolved to take my life back. I had turned down a number of jobs because she refused to move often telling me we could not afford it or that I know she has trouble making friends and she did not want to be isolated and she did not want to work. Due to work stress and isolation I at last reached a breaking point and told her she needed to go back to work and I needed to move stateside. When I at last moved I struggled at first because I had spent so much time overseas and suddenly found myself with zero support network because I was so isolated. I had turned down dinner with friends etc over the years because she would question me on it all or having something happen at home that I would have to be near a phone for. What hurt most though was when the hospital sent my records to my home of record verse me and she chose to open them and read them especially my therapy notes. Her reasoning was that she had paid some of the bills they sent while I was transitioning and she had a right to know what she was paying for. Added to this was her belittling me for having to take anxiety meds.
At last I moved to take my life back recently and of course it has been a battle she told me I need to go back to the VA and get meds because if I did I would see she is right and go back to being myself. When divorce was talked about she told me she hoped I knew no one else would have stood beside me like she has. In the past her other tact was to tell me her mother told her on our wedding day she did not have to marry me and could opt out and she would be fine with it, that she chose to go through with it anyway. When I pointed out that I was worn out and tired of walking on egg shells and a double standard she threw food at me and told me of course it was not me that her father, brothers, and me all were innocent and it was all her at which point she screamed and through food at me and told me she was tired of being blamed and made out to be the bad guy. She then told me she was leaving and when I countered with no I will because I had driven 10 hours to be there for my sons graduation she said if I left to never plan on coming back ever again and that could explain to her family why she was not at the BBQ for my son.
The hard part has been seeing the look in my oldest daughters eyes when her mother is yelling at me and putting me down. We have always been close which has been something that also started fights many a time. My daughter always looks hurt and like she wants to help me but knows she will pay the price if she does. The result has always been me trying to keep the peace and balance for everyone by not fighting and not sharing much for fear of a fight. I have no doubt the divorce will be nasty she has always had a talent for begin around some and being sweet and loving. Even at the BBQ while we had just had a fight she was suddenly sweet and charming and even suggested we go to a concert which left me speechless. I know eventually therapy will be good to get this all out, for the moment my eyes are opened and I am taking it a day a time holding my own. It seems me no longer playing the game has angered her more than ever. No longer do I engage and have stayed cool and calm and measure in my response and tone. In the past I have always said I was sorry and then begged forgiveness and for her to stay and then she would suddenly be nice again and appear even loving at times. That is a rollercoaster I can’t go on any longer at it has caused my work to suffer, caused me to lose friends, not seize opportunities, not do things I like, in essence hiding who I am for fear of being ridiculed or getting into a fight.
It has been a rough path with a lot of storms, and as a man there is little support out there and how do you articulate to people what you endure. My father could be abusive looking back it was PTSD from three tours in Vietnam he never resolved that added to it, both he and my mother mentally abused one another. I swore I would never treat a woman like that and in the end I let myself be walked on for the sake of attempting to keep the peace. I see now this was unhealthy and not what a relationship should be. A partner should never take away and make you feel hollow or like you are the worst person in the world and ashamed of who you are.
I hear you man, I first got with my BPD (soon to be) ex-wife pretty much solely on the basis that she had 3 brothers who were also Veterans and therefore was in a good place to understand by PTSD, this was my first real relationship after getting back from a hairy deployment to Afghanistan so obviously I thought all these problems that were occurring in our relationship were my fault because I “was another crazy Vet”.
It took me about six months to realize these breakdowns of hers were 100% all her and had very little to do with me, and that she perfectly fit all the criteria for Borderline Personality Disorder (later diagnosed as such at my behest).
The VA and this website have really helped me to understand that I am not the piece of garbage that she had perceived me to be and that just because I’m not totally mentally stable that I should resign myself to being with someone who is completely broken and likes it that way. Just remember that if we could deal with the Taliban/Al Qaeda trying to kill us on a daily basis we definitely have the strength to move on from
one woman trying to make our lives a living hell.
No contact! Crazy is similar to a fire in that it requires oxygen to flourish, crazy requires reactions/input and without either they will both soon fizzle out. Stay strong, brother!
ScubaC,
Reading your examples of things you have tried to do to give to others — Scouts, teaching diving to vets with Wounded Warrior Project — brother, you have my respect. There’s a drive to serve inside you. Don’t waste this incredible gift you have on a soul-sucking vampire. Men like you are the mortar that holds civilization together.
Thankyou Tara so much for your awesome articles..they have really helped me start to picture how hard things can be for men in abusive relationships..even to not being able to speak up about what’s happening to them, or for even being heard and believed! The articles on brainwashing were a big eye-opener especially.
I have a friend who is in an unhealthy relationship and feels stuck but he is very reluctant to talk about it. Except for a very few comments here and there, like he’s frustrated in his relationship…doesn’t know what else to do about it…won’t leave because afraid of losing his kids. Then changes the subject.
I couldn’t understand why he couldn’t just fix things up or get out of the situation – being a smart and caring guy in a professional position.
When I was still in an abusive marriage he had good advice for me like: ‘get out now before he breaks you..it’s okay to talk about it you don’t need to be embarrassed.’
When I found out about his marriage, it was hard to not get frustrated that he couldn’t take his own advice that he had given me.
Boy, was I in for a sharp learning curve when I found these articles!
Things like the thought of losing access to kids and even work and career due to the manipulative lies of a nasty woman wanting revenge for husband daring to leave her..turning the tables and claiming him to be the abuser..it must really feel overwhelming and futile to try to resist.
I felt like a very ineffective friend before I read about this.
It’s very hard to sit back and watch him silently struggle, and to try hard to not probe or advise when he clearly isn’t ready to talk.
Now I know I can at least be there to listen..and educate myself and be ready to understand and believe. Even though it doesn’t seem to me to be much help!
Thankyou and keep up the important work.
PS I would welcome any advice if any readers think there IS anything more that I can do.
See clearer now, man, wish I had a freind like you a few years back. You truly love your freind and just want to see him happy. Remember he’s going through a tough phase though he may not admit it. But that’s the part of being a man. We hate to admit that we are weak sometimes and try to face struggles on our own. Women ask for advice everywhere because they are unable to face adversities on their own. Just watch those social experiments on Youtube where a well dressed (half naked) woman asks for help and a group of strangers are willing to die for her without knowing anything about that woman. As men our brains are wired to breed and so we get easily carried away to external beauty. Some women know this very well and they know that 99% of the time a guy will go for external beauty. So they find guys like your freind to be their doormat. Biologically what’s the difference between a male and a female, nothing except the genital and hormonal differences. If men produced estrogen more they too will exibit the physical and emotional characteristics of a woman. Women who use testosterone to increase strength and muscle mass become more like men physically and emotionally. The day men will realize that women are no angels brought down from heaven this world will change and the bpd and npd women will go extinct.
Anyway, your freind needs you though he might not show it on the outside and you also not need to tell him everyday that you are there to help him, just be with him for example Dr. Tara doesn’t need to log into her website everyday, she can have a watch on every comment without logging in because she owns shrinkformen. Haha, Dr. Tara please don’t take this seriously.
God Bless You. 🙂
Why do we call them crazy? or borderline?
Why not just call them shitty human beings?
They get off on making others suffer. That meets the definition of a bad person.
Pathologizing it gives them undeserving dignity.
I didn’t read much of this article tbh. I just saw another article a couple days ago and one of the comments stood out to me. I think I have finally had my last fight that I can take. I don’t really have the energy to keep arguing or stressing about how to fix everyone else while still fixing myself somehow too. I just feel emotionally broken now and I don’t know what to do.
I had always thought BPD/NPD women were raging lunatics. I always thought I was lucky to be with a women who cared about my feelings. I was apparently really deluded because as I read the comments, I noticed how other posters had these passive and manipulative wives that are constantly playing the victim to make you feel guilty for things you never do. My wife does that daily, but I always told myself (and she quickly got onboard) that I was the one who was causing everything. It was easy to do since I’ve had issues with my self esteem since childhood. She always told me how she was tired of me not treating her like I should when I do nothing but work, take care of HER 2 kids that I grew attached to but have no legal rights with, spent my entire life at home trying to fix our marriage to something that it sadly never was anywhere except my mind, read up on psychology in hopes that I can find out what is wrong with my life and marriage, and basically just do nothing but beat my head against a wall while trying to get her to simply tell me that she realizes how I haven’t had a single emotional need of mine met except sex in our entire lives together since we first were friends before dating.
She would always pay lip service to my issues, but she would never follow through. After reading this site and a few comments, I started noticing her funny facial quirks when we argued. One guy in particular said that he would get her true feelings out when she was actually enraged enough to lose her cool and blurt them out, and I finally noticed that today just a few minutes ago! I had been in an argument for going on two weeks now about wanting her to value my feelings. Her first response is always that she’s sorry, but she always quickly follows with a way that it’s really my fault. I can’t even get her to tell me what she is sorry about. She acts funny and deflects by blaming me for something. So I finally just kept asking if she would tell me what she was sorry for because I can’t keep doing this anymore. Finally, she blurted out ‘I’m only sorry because you scare me all the time!’ I know it doesn’t seem that big a deal, but she has never actually admitted that to me in 10 years. She always would get a sarcastic grin and insult me or tell me how worthless I am. Then, she would always make up with great sex… So I just assumed she understood my feelings all the time, and I lied to myself again. I just kept telling myself that it was getting better and even told her that so many times that I feel pretty stupid right now. I feel like I always knew deep down that it would never be right, but I always feel so good when I help her out or the kids, but I am losing my mind. I feel so alone because my social life is basically just my wife and stepkids. I don’t even really have anyone else to talk to because I spend so much time trying to solve our marriage issues alone. It hurts so bad to finally realize that I seriously am alone except for my parents. Because no one else around is close enough for me to talk about this. I already feel bad enough without weird stares from peers.
I have changed so much in the last 4 years that I hardly realize myself, and I try to shower her with love and attention only to watch her get even more mean. It doesn’t matter if I made world peace… She would say that I didn’t do it right. It seems like she is just cutting me down to feel better about herself. She only builds me up when I threaten to leave, but not until a huge fight happens. She will even try for hours to get out of it with guilt trips, but I’ve hardened to some of her emotionally abusive tactics.
It doesn’t even make me angry anymore. It just makes me sad. I spent 10 years changing every bad thing I could possibly find to make myself the man I always wanted to be, but I never could get right. And she just constantly insults me no matter what I do. Standing up for myself and asking her to change has just made her act like an actual monster instead of subliminally picking up on hints. Maybe someone else can read my comment and realize their wife has been this way to them before they stay 10 years. I regret wasting my 20s with a woman who hasn’t really cared about me since day one.
I’m sorry this turned into a rambling rant. I just got done with an argument that was especially hurtful. I finally opened up instead of being distant like I have for years, and she just used it to hurt me even more. It took me almost the whole 10 years to do that and now I feel like a moron for thinking that is ever have fixed this train wreck.
Hi Bryan,
Don’t feel bad at all for the length of your post. It is a GOOD thing for you to express these thoughts and feelings. That’s a big reason why the comments section is here.
It’s quite typical for people who are being abused in a relationship to become very isolated. Self-esteem plunges (even more), shame and guilt set in, and, as you yourself noted, the abuse-ee spends all their time and energy trying to fix things — the relationship, themselves, the abusive partner’s bottomless pit of unhappiness. But consider this environment (an abusive relationship) like a hall of funhouse mirrors ……… every glimpse your are getting is so distorted, that you are not going to know what’s normal & what’s not, what’s okay vs what really does need fixing. Living with Crazy will do that to you.
Dr. T’s site is a straight-up, non-distorting mirror for those just stumbling out of the fun(not)house and into the plain light of day.
Thank you Dr. Tara!
I just started no contact yesterday and this article reaffirms my actions. Unfortunately we have a home made custody agreement on our 2yr old son which the ex appears to be struggling with flying solo. I’m too broke for a lawyer this instant, racked up debt supporting her.. So.. it appears I’ll be missing his 3rd birthday because of the no contact text only rule. I missed his second birthday due to her choice also. I won’t lie, I’m feeling uneasy considering she went silent yesterday. I know something is on the way by intuition, reading about it only makes me feel ill for a brief moment. The breakup is only 2 months old, I expect to be reading this more in times of need.
Dr. Tara,
As you certainly must know, there is a ton of info out there for ppl trying to find a way out of the BPD/NPD snare. I want to thank you for posting some of the most valuable information on this topic I’ve come across this far. And I’ve been reading everything on the topic I can get my eyes on. The help you offer here is applicable to both men and women; I’m the latter, currently in the throes of divorce from a man I believe to be afflicted with a mix of both BPD and NPD. This was first suggested by our relationship therapist after I continued working with her one-on-one.
But this didn’t make any sense at first — see, I thought I was the one with NPD. In fact, I spent the duration of our relationship in varying states of mental and emotional confusion, thinking I was a “bad” person. We found each other when I was in an extremely vulnerable stage in my life. My 16 year marriage was ending at the time and while I knew it was the best for both my ex and me to let it go, it was deeply painful. We have one child and I was focused almost solely on his well being at the time. My BPD/NPD swooped in to save us. He formed a close bond with my son and helped me so much. I thought he was a gift from above. Before long, I was depending on him for so much. Then the games began. And you and all your readers know how the story goes. My version is probably very similar to everyone else’s.
Long story long, seven years later, I am out loads of money – he had none, AND an abysmal credit rating – so everything’s also in my name. Of course his financial circumstances were none of his own doing, poor soul. I am also marooned in a little town 3 hours away from my hometown, where I know barely a soul and am living in the small vacation home we bought with plans to redo it and eventually retire there. After we married, he moved into the house I had just continued to lease while waiting for the house from my first marriage to sell. Thankfully we hadn’t yet bought another primary home or he’d be trying to get that also.
Meanwhile, he tells me (and our close friends) that I am a narcissist and incapable of empathy or loving him the way he needed to be loved. That’s why he wants a divorce. It of course has everything to do with the fact that he doesn’t need me anymore. He landed a fantastic job and is paid very well and also has loads of supply from adoring clients and colleagues. The inconvenient matter of how to get rid of me and keep his boat and his vacation home and his car and get a healthy chunk of my retirement and not pay the credit cards he ran up… Well that’s what he’s trying to figure out now. And so he is regularly threatening me with slander if I don’t cooperate with his demands. He’s threatening me with a nasty court battle. He’s threatening to tell my son “the truth” about me. That I was abusive. He claimed I abused him verbally but the opposite is the truth. He called me names, berated me, seemed to revel in my pain and knew I’d do anything just to make it stop. He had me like that for years.
At first I was scared but now I am not returning his calls or texts. It does work. I feel my confidence returning and I feel bad about what I allowed myself to go through. It’s time to take care of myself now. And that’s not selfish or narcissistic – as he would say – it’s just plain necessary.
Thanks again for your help. For doing this work. I’ll buying your book and wish you many many blessings and continued success.
I’ve been in a relationship for only 5 months, my recent ex I believe is a pwBPD, I’ve been researching and she definitely shows all these signs and has ruined our relationship. First 3 months were perfect bliss, no issues, no Arguments both excepting each other’s life and personalities. then bam. She totally turned throwing tantrums and putting her pregnant sister and my dog at the center of her problems of jealousy and threatened by him. She would pick apart problems she has with dogs and go into rages and anger, running away, hiding under cars, screaming. Having bad thoughts about people and animals, something in her head telling her to do bad things. Now mind you 3 months she was fine with the dog and everything in my life, she’d pet him, walk him, lay with him but then all of a sudden her moods switched like a light switch. This occurred frequently for 2.5 months and when she was not in that state of mind, she wanted me to be normal and get pissed when I wasn’t because of this. She would put so many factors of my dog hat needed to be changed on me, and then the next day it would change. She’d say one thing and then the next day it’s like She never said that. Which left me in a whirlwind of emotions. She’s tried and threatened suicide and distanced herself from Me and then blames me for the distance. She admits faults of her actions but then her anger and episodes happened again. she is in therapy but on and off and since then doesn’t seem to help her, she doesn’t know when she’ll be able to go back either. I suggest seeing an MD and she lashes out at me. There’s been No compromise from her, her way or no way, she’s given me numerous ultimatums which on some I’ve agreed to. I’ve tried everything I know how to be able to stay in this but she butts me at every turn. I feel guilty, at fault and depressed and now I’m seeing a therapist! Only 5 months and it’s ruined me. We were ontop of the world and then out of nowhere she turned into someone I don’t even know anymore. This is all new to me I’ve never experienced this or this type of trauma and it is hard to handle. We’ve been in limbo for the last 2 months or so during her episodes and molds and as she seemed to calm down, She wants to move on and put this behind us, but she puts me at forefront of not being able to move on and forget her actions. I was willing to try but she can’t come to my house bc of a dog and the dog did nothing to her whatsoever he’s a part of my life and she wants me to be with her till she’s ready to come over and doesn’t know if she’ll ever be able to handle me having a dog. I can’t set myself up for her to leave out of nowhere and have even more hurt and pain to get over and she just doesn’t understand me. If she was willing to face her issue whatever it may be to give me Hope I would try but she refuses to see me where my dog is.
Any insight and thoughts would be so appreciated, I’ve been struggling really hard with all of this.
Now she claims to have gone out over the weekend alone, and was drugged and raped and went out to meet someone to smile which tears me apart.
I recently discovered this website, after having an awful
3 month dating experience. I really appreciate all the information here, it has been such a blessing for me!
I noticed a lot of red flags, but ignored them, I didn’t realize at the time, I was dealing with such a heartless person. I continued with the relationship, out of boredom, not having other dating options at the time, curiosity and for the sex of course.
It’s amazing how much behavior these disturbed ones have in common! It’s like they’re all taking the same online course of male manipulation or something! I’m impressed! Their cunning, deceit and complete lack of consideration for others is spectacular!
I would like to document some of her behavior here, and hopefully give some insight. And I really feel the need to write and tell my story,, she’s still on my mind every waking moment..
First I met her through my job, I was instantly attracted to her when I met her, she’s 20, I’m 33. She’s a college student, very pretty face, cute little body, petite,, from a good family I thought. Before her I was dating a 40 year old woman, so being with such a young woman was very sexy to me.
I wonder if these types prefer older men for some reason? Are we more suckers than the younger men? Do we put them on a higher pedestal because of their youth, treating them like princesses?
On our first date I thought things went smoothly, conversation was good, not fantastic, but was fun,, she was an extremely picky eater, which was kind of annoying, and didn’t have much of a personality, but oh well ,, we ended up sleeping together that first night. It was like being with a sex doll. She alowed me to do almost anything to her body,, and I took full advantage of this! I really worshiped her body,, her oral abilities were also very good.
Is it normal for these types to show no emotion or pleasure during sex?? It was bizarre to me that she had no facial expression at all. But i guess I just didn’t care,, my sexual desire was so strong for her.
Some little trick she did to ensure a second date was she left jewelry behind”accidentally”in my room, later texting me , telling me she forgot something, but she knew exactly where it was in the room, so I would later have to return it to her.
Something else I thought was strange about her is she really loved to watch horror films. Especially violent, torture type films. This really disturbed me, cause she was such a young pretty girl, but inside there was defenetly something wrong.
She told me one of her first boyfriends commited suicide after she rejected him. She said he was cheating on her, so she didn’t care about him at all, this happened when she was still a teen. Big red flag!
Also she said another guy, in his late 20’s wanted to marry her when she was only 15! WTF she denied the marriage,, good for him!
She also admitted to cheating on past boyfriends. But she said she doesn’t do that anymore,, she’s changed. She only cheated cause they cheated. So of course I told her I would be a good loyal boyfriend for her. She said I was the only man she wanted in her life. And I believed her! I was really starting to fall for her.
Anyways after having tons of sex and noticing some red flags, I tried to beak it with her. I confronted her about her past cheating and the horror films. She wouldn’t let me go, said she wanted to be my girl, she wouldn’t cheat anymore or watch the films,, I decided to give her a second chance. I really wanted to believe her, even though my gut told me to just end it.
I was really obsessed and addicted at this point. Always thinking about her didn’t allow me to sleep well, I had pretty bad insomnia
So we dated a few more times after that confrontation, then she ended it with me. Said I was selfish, only wanted sex, we were too different.
I was really heart broken, , a week later she posted a pic of her online kissing a new guy.
I agree that we didn’t have much in common and she probably should be with that guy, he’s closer to her age. But stringing me along like that really hurt.
She didn’t abuse me physically, but her comments were very hurtful. Like she said she knew what type of guy I was from the first time we met! That was shocking! How could she read and understand me so well!?
I guess these ones just know we are weak, and we’ll worship them for sex.
Something she also did in the beginning of the relationship is she called me and told me her family was just conned out of a lot of money. I thought it was strange,, I thought she would ask me for money, but she didn’t. I’m not sure if they really got stolen from. But it could have been a way to make her seem like the victim again.
How do they know so many tricks!? This girls only 20 years old! If she continues like this, she’s gonna ruin so many men !
So after being rejected about 6 weeks ago, I still think about her all the time. We had some fun moments, but there wasn’t enough chemistry. She hasn’t contacted me at all, she said there’s no point. I hope she stays with the new guy forever and leaves me alone!
I’m glad I’m out, too bad she was so cold to me. I guess that’s where they derive their pleasure from. She just wanted to make some random guy fall for her, then reject him. I’m still puzzled by everything that happened.
My self esteem and confidence has been shot!
I’m pretty paranoid about women now, next time I see the red flags, I won’t get involved!
Thanks for this site!
Good luck in your future relationships!
Ok so I’ve been a little Facebook spy lately,, trying to find out who the new guy is. Looks like they were dating a year ago and now they’re back together. He seems like an emotional wreck,, so they’re probably quite compatible. She has no feelings and he feels too much,, he even confessed that he felt hopeless and wanted to die,, after dating her for about 5 months. It’s amazing I’m able to learn so much about these people( I’m not even friends with either of them online, all this info is public, posted on his wall lol)
I don’t see much hope for this poor bloke. It’s interesting for me to finally come out of the FOG and really see how she goes about with her relationships.
She hasn’t contacted me at all,, I wonder if she’ll try to get back with me,, time will tell. I def don’t want anything to do with her.
I need positive people in my life, so I started dating a bit.
I wish everyone in the group wisdom and positivity!
Sites like this helped me gain understanding and receive encouragement through the process of divorcing someone with BPD. I did the one thing people say you shouldn’t do – I left the home I own during the divorce. I did it to protect myself because when I told her I was filing for divorce, she lost it and threatened to falsely accuse me of domestic violence and make me lose my job. She really came unhinged. I am convinced that had I stayed, she would have followed through with her threat. Although it was tough sleeping on people’s couches and renting a room in a stranger’s house, I protected myself. I also went no contact and that protected my sanity. Protect yourself whatever the inconvenience or hardship.
Great article! My diagnosed exBPDgf gave me a shit test near the end of the honeymoon phase. She had an ex boyfriend who she still considered her BFF after he ended their romantic relationship because she was having sex with other men. Of course, I was triangulated with him during our 5 month relationship. The shit test came when her BFF got layed off from his job and he was moving out of state…up to this point I believed that he indeed was only a “friend” as she would usually spend time with him once or twice a week for dinner or a run, but never overnight. But during the 2 weeks up to when he actually left, she had a meltdown–crying, drinking, cutting–as she spent his last 2 weeks at his house overnight…but of course, slept on his couch because of her loyalty to us (she would return home with my engagement ring on her other hand, cuz she didn’t want to hurt his feelings…) After he finally left for good, I welcomed her back with open arms and took 2 weeks to get her emotions regulated again–warm baths, massages, good food, tons of attention.
A week later she told me that she had booked a trip to go visit her BFF for 10 days over the holidays to do an intervention with his alcoholic father…needless to say that was the final shit test as she discarded me when she returned, and of course, tried to recycle me that same week…and I was done. She had a replacement for me in a week. And we work with each other every day. Totally Toxic.