This is the follow-up article to Male Anger and Other Emotions, Part One and is a modified transcript to the BlogTalkRadio program, Making Friends with Your Anger.
Male Anger
Anger is not a bad emotion. It’s just an emotion like any other emotion. Feelings are signals that we’re experiencing something. Anger typically tells us, “Hey, someone’s treating you unfairly” or “Someone is hurting you, lying to you, disappointing you, ignoring you, ridiculing you or betraying you.”
Anger can also be a response to injustice. Hence the term “righteous anger,” which I believe has been perverted into Faux outrage by some individuals as a way to control the narrative and to hide their own bad behaviors, but that’s a whole other topic.
Anger, which is a healthy emotion, becomes unhealthy when you suppress it or when it’s the only tool in your emotional toolbox.
Why do some people suppress and deny their anger? Many people were taught that anger is “scary” and/or “bad” as children. Consequently, they feel a sense of shame about their anger.
If you’re a man who was taught to ignore or disassociate from your feelings, anger may be the only feeling strong enough to make its way to the surface and this can indeed be scary, for you. If you’ve learned to constrict your emotions, perhaps your anger scares you because you don’t know how to harness it. Perhaps anger is the only emotion you’re able to express even if you don’t know how to express it well or effectively.
As infants develop past the pre-verbal stage, they learn some words, but not enough to get their needs met. They want to communicate that they need something and get angry because they don’t know how to do so. They yell, scream, push, hit or kick. When kids do this they’re not necessarily angry because they’re angry.
They’re angry out of frustration at not being able to communicate their needs or other feeling states. For example, baby is wet and needs a diaper change. Baby’s also hungry, but baby doesn’t know how to say, “Yo, mom and dad! My diaper’s wet and my bum is getting all clammy and itchy. Can I get some help, please?” Baby wants his needs attended to and because he can’t verbally articulate his feelings, he turns purple, yells and blows snot. As kids develop language skills, you’ll sometimes hear parents tell their children, “Use your words.”
This can also occur in adults. Some men and women don’t know how to express their feelings and needs, not because they don’t have them, but because they were taught to deny them or that they’re bad or wrong for having them. If you’ve had to deny your feelings and needs since childhood or for the length of your adult relationships, how are you supposed to be able to articulate them? Even worse, if you’ve been ridiculed or made to feel bad about your feelings, you learn to shut those feelings down.
Oftentimes, pain and sorrow are behind the anger, and male suffering seems to make us even more uncomfortable than male anger. Instead of dealing with the source of the anger in men and helping them do something with it, we mock them or ignore their pain or tell them they’re “scary” and punish them. We medicate male anger and/or portray men who express their anger as monsters, “Ooh, men are so scary when they’re angry.”
So many men bury their anger and other emotions, but that doesn’t mean it’s disappeared. Some psychologists believe that depression is anger directed at the self. In some cases, it is.
When we don’t find ways to deal with our anger, it can come out sideways as sarcasm or passive-aggressiveness or depression and other mental health disturbances or physical ailments. It can lead to a host of supremely unhealthy behaviors including addiction, violence, and other compulsive behaviors. Stifled anger also breeds resentment. Resentment is the cycling of anger over and over and over again.
Many of the men I work with are drowning in their resentment. Some of them have had to swallow their anger at the abuses they’ve suffered for years. Only their wives are allowed to have anger. If these men dare express their natural anger or hurt at the way they’re being mistreated by their partners, they’re labeled abusive, controlling, too sensitive and/or angry.
It can get pretty confusing living in the projection room.
Resentment is poison. It will eat away at you from the inside out. Resentment can ultimately kill you. In my opinion, resentment is far more scary and dangerous than anger. Resentment turns us into human pressure-cookers. Once you express your anger, you expel the pressure within you and it quickly passes. Resentment can fester for a lifetime and it’s a miserable way to live.
I’m not suggesting you become permanently angry like some of my clients’ partners seem to be. That’s not healthy either. These women use their anger to control and intimidate. It’s a device for them. It’s how they get others to tiptoe around their landmines. They seem to be angry that they’re unhappy, but refuse to take responsibility for their own happiness. They’re like colicky infants and their internal thermostat seems to be permanently stuck on the discontent setting.
A good portion of the work I do is helping men get in touch with their anger. When I first begin working with clients, there’s a phase many of them go through in which they recite the long list of abuses, hurts, and nastiness their partners dish out, but they do so without any emotion. They’d probably recite their grocery list with more affect. As I listen, I start to feel angry for them. To me, this is almost always a sign that these guys have shut down their anger and need to find a way to get in touch with it.
Anger is a call to action.
If you can understand the source of your anger and what you need to do to resolve it, anger stops being scary or shameful and can become healing. Anger is rocket fuel. It is a propellant for change. Anger can be liberating, energizing, motivating, supremely healthy, creative and lead to positive social change.
When I’m angry; I do something about it. I enforce a boundary. I write a senator or congressman. I post a link. I work out. I have a much-needed conversation. I write an email and then delete it. I get my anger out of myself and do something with it to address and resolve the cause of my anger.
Plus, learning how to channel your anger is a helluva lot cheaper than therapy. So my advice is make friends with your anger and learn how to use it for good. You just may be surprised by where your new friend takes you and what you can accomplish with it.
Counseling with Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD
Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD helps individuals work through their relationship and codependency issues via telephone or Skype. She specializes in helping men and women trying to break free of an abusive relationship, cope with the stress of an abusive relationship or heal from an abusive relationship. Coaching individuals through high-conflict divorce and custody cases is also an area of expertise. She combines practical advice, emotional support and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Schedule a Session page for more information.
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I’ve read recently that excessive anger in men (i.e. “irritability”) is a sign of depression…maybe because so many do not feel safe (that their masculinity will not be challenged by) expressing hurt or sorrow??
I kind of look forward to the day when I see my friend express anger…not that I try to provoke him, but I think if someday he just started ragging on me, I would actually feel happy for him. Like, “Finally!”
I remember him apologizing to me once when I asked if he was feeling sad or upset, commenting on his tone of voice. It disturbs me that he actually thought he owed me an apology because I misinterpreted his tone.
Later, he made a comment to the effect that when his AW calls him, if he doesn’t sound ‘enthusiastic’ she rides him about it, provoking him to feel guilty (and presumably into apologizing for not being thrilled at hearing her voice for the 5th time that day).
He used to cry and told me about it, which I never once discouraged, but I think he has since learned to ‘suck it up’ and paint the world with happy colors, because if he doesn’t (with her)…there will be repercussions.
Hate seeing people live like that. If only they knew what life could be like on the other side. The truth is, “The worst day out of an abusive relationship is far, far better than the ‘best’ day when I was still in one.”
Dr. T, at least your allowing me to come here and vent (okay, sometimes verbally vomit) I can feel like maybe in a small way, I’m helping someone who has been able to admit to being abused and is ready for a change. ??
I’ve heard it said that depression can be a sign of anger turned inward. I’ve also heard it said that depression can result from “learned helplessness”. I’ve done some reading about that and wonder if part of what you are talking about in your friend, TGI, is the result of learned helplessness.
Thank you – I have also heard that depression is anger turned inward (probably as a result of not feeling safe expresing upset / anger towards the person who actually earned it).
I haven’t done much research into learned helplessness. I suppose there is some of that going on as well. I suspect he has learned to hide it well / discount it / try to make it ‘normal’ – as we all do in abusive relationships.
For now, i’m working on me…because I tend to try to be a fixer, but end up co-dependently becoming overly involved (like the proverbial doctor or social worker), and start putting more effort into others’ recovery than they are able / willing to…which feels like falling down into the spiral of abuse again…bleah!!
Letting go is not easy. Nor is knowing they are quietly suffering, trying to get through each day. Giving up…not an option.
Later, he made a comment to the effect that when his AW calls him, if he doesn’t sound ‘enthusiastic’ she rides him about it, provoking him to feel guilty (and presumably into apologizing for not being thrilled at hearing her voice for the 5th time that day).
TGI, men are supposed to be grateful for the abuse, erm, I mean attention their loving wives, partners and exes show them.
It’s like the hazing scene in Animal House in which fraternity pledges are being hit on their behinds with a plank of wood by senior frat members and they must reply, “Thank you, sir, may I have another.”
God.. how many times have I subconsciously said, “thanks dear wife of mine, can I have another….”
I was dealing with my anger issues for most of this year and seemed to have finally gotten past them. The flipside is that leaving my anger behind almost seems like I’m letting my guard down, as if it was a mechanism to prevent my ex-wife from getting back in my life. Cerebrally I know that letting her back in would be outright stupidity but, due to my tendencies to think the best of others (and my outright naivety), the anger served as protection from her not-so-innocent proclamations of change.
I just hope that I can stick to my guns and not be pulled back in to her web of lies and abuse.
My sentiments exactly Monk. It’s a real conflict. The anger chews me up…yet protects me.
Once you’re finally done with her, maybe you’ll be able to let the anger go, Chester.
Stay strong, Funky Monk. In this situation, I think anger is a good defense.
The anti-anger movement is at its worse in business. Get legitimately angry at work and you suddenly have “anger issues.” Almost as bad is being candid and honest in a blunt way.
That said, toward the end of my marriage, my wife started trivializing my anger. For example, say I was fixing something and getting annoyed, so I cursed. She’d ask why I was getting mad at an inanimate object. I’ve since realized that this was only an extension of her rejecting all my emotions. It’s not coincidence that as I found my voice and asserted myself, insisting she respect my feelings, she reacted badly and asked for the divorce.
Good objects don’t have feelings or boundaries, Jason. Good objects allow themselves to be used and exploited.
Asserting boundaries, holding these types accountable and expressing different feelings opinions, I think, is too upsetting for their distorted realities. It doesn’t allow them to keep their illusions in place. Therefore, it’s not surprising that once you stopped going along with her distortions and control tactics that she found it too threatening and ended the relationship.
I second your comment, Dr. T! That perfectly describes the end of my 20-year marriage in five sentences. Wow. Jason, let me say that you’re not the only one to experience this. The thing that a year’s time, introspection and soul-searching, as well as lots of counseling have shown me is that perhaps my cluster B ex actually managed to give me the “kindest’ gift possible: freedom and the legal opportunity to go “no contact” and live life without my daily dose of abuse. It might not feel like it at the time of the divorce, but hopefully you’ll come to realize that divorce in a case like this can lead you to a much healthier place. Hang in there, and seek understanding. 🙂
I can empathize with the scenarios described here. During the course of my marriage, I pent up a lot of my anger because of the temptation by my ex to label me as an “angry person” with “anger issues.” My #1 concern then became not to give her an excuse to assume some silly high road that never existed. And that led to the ongoing resentment that Dr. T outlines here. Resentment eventually festers into a lack of respect, and that just makes it easier to hurt the other person, either as a defense mechanism or just out of spite.
I don’t know what your attitude is regarding Thich Nhat Hanh, but he has written some wonderful material regarding anger that helped me get some perspective on this healthy emotion. He echoes some of the same sentiment here.
I haven’t read Thich Nhat Hanh, but will very soon. Thank you for the recommendation.
Never forget that most bullies try to provoke you into losing your cool and get you to sink down to their level. As soon as you do, you’re the jerk and their on the Faux Outrage-Moral High Road.
I’m not saying don’t feel your legitimate anger; just don’t give her the satisfaction of seeing that her provocations and baiting affect you. Oftentimes, the issue isn’t the issue (whatever they’re complaining about) and they’re not looking for you to to resolve the issue. They’re trying to get you to react in a way that they can claim you’re “victimizing them.”
They swing the first verbal punch and if you respond, then they cry, “You’re victimizing meeeeeee!” Maddening.
Filed under “Things Some People Need to Learn About Healthy Adult Relationships”:
Amen. Dr. T. The more it’s communicated how really, really unattractive that behavior is, the better.
Thanks, Mike.
if you ever get angry about you wife’s behavior in front of family services or at court, remember to always link your anger to something that obviously hurts your children. remember to connect the dots for the people you are in front of.
don’t just say “i’m angry,” don’t just say “that makes me angry,” say: “how would you feel if you were in the middle of a potentially life-changing business meeting and your child’s kindergarten teacher called and said she figured she’d call you instead of the police, because your wife did not pick up your son?” then say “here is the text message on my phone from 4 hours earlier, when my wife wrote she’d be picking Johnny up from kindergarten, which we’d agreed upon weeks in advance anyway.”
then say “honestly, do you think that’s good for Johnny, and how would you feel?”
then wait.
say: “the children and i regularly leave home when WifeName goes into rage episodes, i know she is saying i’m hijacking the kids, but we have it set up so that if Monday or Wednesday WifeName starts screaming curse words, we go to Cousin Joey’s to do homework in their den, if it’s Tu or Thurs, we go to the library, if it’s Friday, we figure out where we are going to go while in the car. would you like to see a video of her attacking the car and scaring the kids?”
say: “what are the consequences of making false allegations of abuse? WifeName, do you really want to go on record claiming i did XYZ, because you and i both know i didn’t. please, explain to both me and my wife the consequences of making such false allegations.”
…interesting…the consequences of actually showing your real emotions as a man, even just once, may very well be: you lose your job, your kids, your money, your home, your loan, your business, etc.
i mean, i’m not even talking about actually doing anything angry, i’m saying “just saying you’re angry about something and being a man while in a relationship with an abusive woman”
i personally don’t think it’s safe to disclose your anger as a man.
much safer “do you know how angry KindergartenTeacherName was when you shoved ChildName into the kindergarten room almost 2 hrs after the arrival time, leaving ChildName crying and nearly inconsolable for several hours? can you please call KindergartenTeacherName from TheCourt/SocialServices and ask about that incident?”
her behaviors are likely patterned. thinking out loud here: link her behaviors to things that are concretely abusive. so, neglecting the kids, rage episodes, hitting, forgetting appointments, breaking things, drinking, etc. etc.
then say “i may not be perfect, but at least i know that screaming at your children is not an effective way to teach them to take out the garbage.”
This is good advice, anon.father.
Unfortunately, since many court personnel/children services personnel see men as potential monsters/abusers, you have to normalize and explain your very natural and healthy responses to abuse and injustice. Of course, this doesn’t always work.
It is a liability in our culture for men to express any negative emotions. I can site a number of examples with former partners, family members, employers and clients.
Currently, I’m a freelancer, and I rely on every invoice I send out. I’m barely getting by. If I wait 30-days and then gently nudge a client to pay their invoice, and tell them that this puts me in a tough position, you would think I was begging for crack cocaine from strangers on a street corner. They get uppity, snarky and self-entitled, like “how dare you ask me to pay your invoice after keeping you waiting for 30-days.” In many cases, its usually female receptionists that get their nose into things, and purposefully stall payment.
Regarding the females in my family, specifically my mother and a much older female sibling, I have recently reconciled with the fact that they are completely incapable of processing the emotions of others. Even happiness and joy. They find a way to turn it back on them, and their suffering, and ultimately suck the joy and happiness right out of you. When I could afford it, I took myself on a nice vacation, and the only thing the hens could say was, “it must be nice.” It didn’t matter, that I never was able to take myself on a nice vacation before, or that I had to go to college and work my ass off at a job I hated, just to afford it. By the way, my immediate family has never even stepped foot on a university, or college campus. I work hard at anything I do, which gets invalidated too. To them, I’m a, “lazy slob that doesn’t want to do anything.” And they have at length discussions about it behind my back to anyone who will listen. So most of my family and friends of the family think only what they’ve been told by the hens. In tough times when I have had to go to friends, or friends of the family for work that they could of provided, I get ignored. I wonder why?
In the teachings of Kabbalah, they rank gossip up there with murder. It’s considered as a form of “character assassination.” And it has it’s negative ripple effects, which I have experienced.
Growing up with a parent that could not process the emotions of her child caused me a lot of harm trying to learn how to function in the adult world. I wasn’t raised to learn how to properly express my emotions, or to even express them at all. When I was a small child I can remember purposely holding my bowel movements, which I learned later in life was a sign, or a symptom, of a child holding their emotions in. Apparently, going that far back, I had no where to put my negative emotions. Often times, if I was scolded, my mom would play the, “are you mad at me?” game…the moment I had the courage to say, “yes, I am mad at you,” because I honestly thought she was out of line with her punishment, there would be hell to pay, “how dare you be mad at me…after all I’ve done…blah blah blah.” “blah blah.” It was a double-bind trap.
If I was happy because I did a good job cleaning my room…I never received praise, but instead, “hmm, I wonder how long you’ll keep it this way.” After that, honestly, I stopped giving a fuck about bedroom. And is it just me, or do disordered people use the expression, “hmm” a lot? As if it’s there way to express their judgement, albeit in a passive-aggressive way.
Anyway, damned if you do, damned if you don’t.
Your point about gossip is well taken. The thing I am having the hardest time resolving aren’t the lies and exaggerations (the gossip) my ex was producing (and still is, though to a much smaller extent) but dealing with the people who heard those lies and exaggerations and didn’t tell me.
To me, the truly bizarre part is that if even half of what my wife was saying was true, anyone hearing it should have demanded that we get divorced. And once we did, should have reacted in shock at our custody agreement. That people didn’t tell me that they knew in their heart that my wife was lying, but if that’s true they should have demanded that we get divorced.
In the end, this isn’t just about hurt feelings and lost trust, but withholding this information kept me married to this psycho while she was on her insane alienation trip. Here I am trying to make a marriage work while my wife is running around telling everyone else that I’m a horrible person and she wants out of the marriage.
I’m not sure I can ever forgive several members of my family for this (and how they now act like it was no big thing–the way they dismiss my anger makes me feel abused all over again.)
Jason, just curious, has your family always been dismissive of your feelings — going back to since you were a child?
I agree. Family members ignoring, making light of or making friends with/siding with your abuser is a HUGE betrayal, not to mention, incredibly disrespectful.
With the exception of my youngest sister, yes, they’ve been quite dismissive. I didn’t recognize the extent to which this affected me my entire life until I was in marriage counseling.
I now realize that when I met my “charming” wife many years ago, I so craved emotional intimacy that I thought we really connected. Unfortunately, I was a member of a religion which encouraged fast engagements and we didn’t date long enough for cracks to show up in her behavior. They did on our wedding day AFTER the wedding. We should have gotten an annulment, but my idiot parents and religious leaders completely (and I mean completely) dismissed what I was feeling–all that mattered is that THE MARRIAGE BE PRESERVED.
In time, I learned that my ex-wife is genuinely charming to anyone who won’t hold her accountable. I’ve also learned that many of my family, including my parents and grandmother, never trusted her though didn’t understand why not, but never told me. This amazes me–these people are members of a religion that places a high value on marriage, they are concerned their son/grandson is marrying someone whom they don’t trust and they let the marriage continue without a word. This still galls me (and puts me in a weird place since I now have children whom I adore.)
Gooberzzz,
If you haven’t already, have you minimized contact with your family? They seem incredibly sick and toxic.
You don’t have to stick around for more of their garbage if you don’t want to do so.
I’m trying to deal with it, just like a Jew from Nazi Germany trying to understand that not all SS are like that, it’s just because of their training and they are just doing their job (even though they hate it). Everyone is blameless.
Generalizing bad experiences is a survival mechanism. If eating a purple berry makes you ill, then you learn to avoid all purple berries.
However, in reality, not all purple berries are poisonous. I suppose it’s a matter of assessing risk and lethality.
It has nothing to do with purple berries, but the fact that Cops are trained that way and their policies and procedures require them to act that way.
I would never make such a generalization about women, but ACALT.
What the heck, let’s go with the bad analogy.
First rule of survival is to assume that all berries are poisonous unless they can be positively identified or tested for edibility.
Visual positive identification of humans is impossible. Testing for trustworthiness is near impossible in most situations, therefore all cops should be deemed untrustworthy.
If somebody offered me berries and said “hey not all berries are poisonous”, that is based on a belief system rather than evaluation of facts.
Denis,
I apologize if I offended you a few weeks ago re: the radio program.
I agree that there are many bad cops; but there are also good ones.
I still respect you and your views, even the ones with which I don’t entirely agree.
It’s healthy to be wary of the police until they’ve demonstrated that they’re there to help instead of to harm. I’m not going to continue to engage in this disagreement, especially on a post that isn’t about the police and domestic violence disputes.
Mine acuses me of being cold and emotionless. Well duh. When you slapped down and made to feel like excrement whenever you try to express feelings you very quickly learn not to show anything at all. “Don’t cry out loud. Just keep it inside and learn how to hide your feelings” isn’t that what all of us of the male gender have been taught since day one. Boys don’t cry. It’s not civilized to get angry. If you let them see you like / love something they just take it away from you. Don’t show pain. Be a man. It finally reaches a point where you don’t let them know you feel anything and then they can’t hurt you.
Feelings? Fagetaboutit!
My wife physically assulted me three times in 20 years of marriage. Once in fron of her whole sicko family. Nobody said a word, nobody recalls it and my wife and I never spoke about it until recently.
Her response? “Stop being such a F’ing baby!” Get out that burning bed……
Hey, she only said that because she could….shame on me. At one point a few years ago she actually lunged at me in marraige counseling. The female counselor did not take the oppurtunity to even ask her what that was all about. She looked as shocked as me, but never again took that opportunity to make that part of our “therapy.” I find a lot of these therapists are succesful at treating well people. “$150 please! Let me check my schedule for our next meeting.”
Lets face it. Expressing our needs sounds like a cry for help instead of a component of our reason for being human. Empathy? As long as it does not interfear with their standard of living…..Let’s be honest. Nobody gives a rusty F who holds an ATM card and has access to a check book. Entitlement rules the day. I doubt very much they even realize what’s going on or how much pain their husbands are really in. As for me? Just a little empathetic listening will do it. It costs NOTHING and really only requires looking interested. Pretty simple….right?
My wife is not a yeller. It’s worse. She is passive aggressive because she learned very early on she can apply her version of the Vulcan mind melt to get her way. She knows I want peace and no confrontation….but doing her silent routeen eventually blows my stack and reguardless of the situation, the volume of my voice measures equally with my degree of guilt and wrongness. If I stay in what I call, double secret quiet mode, I an bearly breath from the emotional vaccume, witholding of sex, affection and high honor of her presence. All it requires is compliant commutation to work and automatic deposit of your paycheck into the family account twice a month.
Hi Dr. T and thanks for having this blog available to us.
I suspect my ex of having NPD traits although sometimes I think I may be wrong.
I got back with her after she split with the guy she went with just weeks after I dumped her first time around.
When we got back together she was telling me she made mistakes and had changed, however within 2 weeks she was starting to control little issues very cool and calmly. When she changed her hair colour she didnt like it and I got the brunt it for not fancying her any more, I told her I liked it but it made no difference. I was told to stop being friends with a good friend of mine. I hadn’t lost my anger in a full blown way until the last 2 weeks of the relationship. We were out one day shopping and I had just put down a deposit on a nice coat for her xmas. Her mood suddenly changed leaving the shop she asked if was embarrassed by her it turns out she didnt like it because i didnt introduce her to a friend I was talking to in the shop. At the time i was chatting to my friend she was in the changing room and besides she had already met him a couple of times before. We went for lunch and when leaving she started on me saying I was intimidating her the way I was eating my dinner, I admit I was rushing as I was starving. Anyway I was going to take her home and she kept going on about my social etiquette and I tried to explain that I didnt realise and that she already knew who my friend was. I chose to restrain myself as she wouldn’t see my point, I kept quiet as she berated me asking me to say something I tried but she kept talking over me and raising the argument and I lost my temper. She chose to punch me in the face I immediately pulled the car over and told her if she ever done that again we were finished. Anyway she never takes responsibility for her actions and now she is seeing someone else she enjoys telling me I have to deal with my anger issues. Apart from a couple of times I was just grumpy she is the one who instigated the fight , finding problems in any little thing I do.
Reading this article has helped me, I think. I was always doing anything for her a lap dog almost I prefer the quiet life and do my best to avoid conflict. I can never seem to get through to her about her taking some responsibility at the end of every argument I caved in and it was me being insensitive about her feelings.
She even turned up at a gig she I told her I was going to with her new boyfriend, fortunately I chose not to go as I thought she would have turned up. 2 weeks after she called wanting to get back together and that she wasn’t seeing the other guy anymore, the usual I’ve changed carry on. We went for dinner and she was texting him while I was out with her I called her on it and she didnt like the fact I did, told me it was none of my business and she could text whoever she wanted (true) but I felt it was rude. She then said she hadn’t told him yet. We had a fight, I just thought it rude but it’s her way or no way. She stayed the night with me but the next day she was stern at telling me she could do what she wanted. I told her all aspects of the relationship were spent. She is still with the guy and this all happened a couple of weeks ago.
Am I going mad, am I wrong or does she have zero respect for me.
Sorry for the rant 🙂
Dude, get out of that relationship NOW, go back to freedom. She’s not worth it. She showed you what she’s really like, very narcissitc and crazy. She refuses to take responsibility for her OWN actions, therefore she’s not a good woman to be with, not even a week or two. Don’t marry her, ever! Get out of that relationsihp if you’re still there… freedom is better than being a women like that.
My exgf played games like that and such. I stayed out of guild and loyalty, but… seven years is a long time and I learned a lot, and I gave one last chance, asking her to help herself and I’ll support her, but she threw me out for someone else. Last laugh is that she came back two years later begging me to go back to her, four times she asked on each four visits. I refused, I knew she would go back to her games soon enough. If she won’t take responsibility for her actions, then I’m not particularly interested in her or any women like that. I’ve been free for 8 years now, and I still gets mad at her and at other women for acitng so immature, playing games and all that. But I reminds myself, there are good women out there, they’re quiet and loves peace, and loves a good man who’s in touch with his own feelings, but such women are rare.
Remember, Proverbs 31:10-31, such women are out there, just a matter of WEEDING out the unfit ones, to find the gems that Gold holds most sacred!
No worries okay.
Yes, I’m deaf, and my exgf was deaf, she was also five years older than me. We had one-night-stands when we’d meet over the years. I recalls something strange about her, she would “mirror” me when I talks about stuff, and she acts like she knows about it, but… in reality, she was just “mirroring” my interest. It was strange. It used to scare me, my guts would be uncomfortable, and I could not (sorry for saying this), cum in her, when we have sex in her car… it used to puzzle me. I’d have sex with her for so long, my dick would get numb and sore. I couldn’t figure it out. I’d get desperate to cum, but she just bugs the hell out of me. I realised now, she was taking control too much, so I wasn’t able to have any control, and that left me helpless, and I hated that. It wasn’t comfortable. She was my first… we’d met when I was 15… when I was 17 we met at deaf club and so on… then over the next few years we’d meet at a mutual friend’s place, and we’d do the one-night-stand, abotu once or twice a year, for a long time. When I was 27, an old school friend died, and we went to the funeral, and that’s where I met my ex, and then I found out her full name and she found out my full name and we meet up later on, and from then on we became steady… but I noticed… her “mirroring” gradually changed, especially when I sees her best friend being there and her telling her stuff, that I thought was supposed to be private.
From then on I learned a lot… she was the most toxic bitch from hell… she thought she can do no wrong, and all kinds of shit. But me being stronger, I’d call on her a lot, no matter what, I’d tell her she’s wrong and she can’t break me down… yeah, when we met, I was 15, she was about a foot taller, bottle blonde, big tits, blue eyed. Boy, that was a hottie! Over the years, though… she gradually lost her blondeness… her blue eyes mysetrious became brown… her big tits changed to smaller ones, and then, after third kid from her dead boyfriend, thinner tits… I got so I wanted to help her heal, get well, be normal like I remember… but… she took to drugs, booze, and doping herself… it’s like she want to be numb, and would play games, go behind my back… all kinds of shit and I used to wonder, what’s the f wrong with her? She refused counselling, refused to get better, and just stumble from one issues to another… without clearing and processing each one… and no matter what I try, nothing worked. Not even for the sake of her kids. She just thinks she’s right as rain, no worries! I seriously thought she was deluded in some ways. So I gave up and gave her the ultimatum.
Sure, I thought I could heal her, get her well, and make the house stable, for the kids, they needed stability. Nothing worked. So in secret I hid part of my money, at a secret job, most of it she would spend on her damned drugs, and booze and whatever else she would like. I thought a lot about the kids, wondering if I should stay. They’re not mine, first one was from a hearing bloke her family made her marry when they found out she got pregnant by him. She was 17 then. The other one, a deaf bloke, she almost married, but he had a heart attack twice, first time was lucky, went to hospital and got sent home, but he died the second one in the night, where she wokes up and found him cold and dead in their bed. She just gave birth to their second child… so it was a hard two years before I came along…
For me it was a shock to find her with a couple of extra kids and suddenly being a instant “daddy” was hard to get used to. I got used to it, and I learned a lot. I became a man, telling the kids to toe the line, and so on. And yep, she would not be there when i caught the kids doing wrong, and I would be telling them off, being fair but firm, when she came and sees me doing that and she automatically JUMPS TO CONCLUSIONS that I was abusing them… IT WAS HER IMAGINATION… I would stop, read what she’s saying, and then says, no, that’s not the case at all, it was J who was hurting T, but then I told them to stop and I got T to tell me what’s going on and then J to tell me what’s going on, and then I realised it was actually T who was hurting her little brother, and I told her off and that’s when she came in and saw me telling her off and she thought I was up to no good!? Crazy. So I calls my ex on her autoamtic mistake and she said she was sorry. I told her I would never hurt the kids in any way, I would only call them on what they do wrong. I give them praise for doing things right, for being good, and so on. Common sense stuff, but I wondered why is she so suspicious of me? I am the same bloke like before and still the same after… I realised since then she and most women are paranoids about men going after kids for unsavoury stuff and that was just so wrong. Not all men are like that damn it! But thanks to these sodomite/pederasts here and there, sneaky and hiding who they really are, we men gets the blame for their shit.
Sometimes I wonders about women too. My exgf is a pederast too, she preyed on ME when I was 15, watching me, I’d not forget that! And also when, three years after we became “couple”, I remember her shame, the way she acts shamefully, watching me, and her best friend’s son, 15 years old, and he’s red faced… they’d shared booze, and dope and by then I didn’t care, there was no way to get her to change, to get well, and I realised, afterwards, when I went to my place, in that third year she forced me to move out to live in my own house and I got stuck with the place, where my pension barely covers the rent, bills and food and nothing to eat every fortnight for about two days just rice or straight speghatti… well, I asks her what’s wrong and she told me, and I realised, she was unfaithful, and throughout I never was unfaithful to her, not once, but she sure as hell was unfaithful so many times… my body detects her and I’d throw up, my body knew. But I forgave her, like a good moron, and I stayed, seven years in all.
That last week… We went to deaf club, to see it for the last time, before they tear it down, the million dollar building develops cracks, and I knew it was a shoddy building… still I had a good time there, when I was living there… so I showed T around the place, told her about palying squash, living in the flat above there, and so on, she was so interested in everything, funny little tike! My exgf, meanwhile, was chatting up these men, and was most interested in this huge fat bloke, who I came to call a rednack, very original! Bit fat moustache and the like. You might see the resemblance if you see a fat bloke with a blue cap and swearing in the Children of a Lesser God movie.
That was Friday… I had asks her about supporting her if she would figure out the best way to help herself get well. My idea was sincere. I was supportive. I just want her well, period. This was before we went to the deaf club. Nothing was said about it on the way back, or the next few days. She drops me off at mum’s place Sunday night. I was unsuspecting at what her plans was.
Wednesday night, I received a text message from her. Thursday she would pick me up. But not this time. She said she dumped me, and found someone else ALREADY.
It’s like she first made sure she got someone else, and then dropped me, just like that. For that night I was in shock… it was hard to get to sleep, as she sent me the text message around 1 am in the morning. I was still in shock for the next two or three months. I would like to never experience that shock ever again. It is the most horrible shock I ever felt in my life. I have always grown up in peace, with quiet, with solving problems with common sense. What she did was so weird, made no sense, and it was out of character.
We had made an agreement, if we split up, we’d take out stuff and go. But she never adhere to the agreement. I had no wheels then. She had the wheels. I asks her, again and again, I would like to get my stuff home. She ignores me completely. I had to wait weeks for my friend to help me to get there. Consequently I lost half of my stuff.
My revenge was sweet, though, when she came back two years later.
Apparently, the bloke she left me for in the first place? He was UTTERLY worse than she was. It made me laugh. He has two boys, and his boys constantly picks on HER kids… and he always ignores her, or would accuse her of things and so on. She learned a lesson there. She told me she knew I was a good man and that she regretted what she done to me. Of course, she wanted me back. I refused. How can I go back, just like that? It doesn’t work like that. She seems incapable of understanding that. Relationships needs to be work at, each side LISTENIng to EACH OTHER… not one said listening and the other never listening. She said she wouldn’t do that anymore. But my gut reactions was still the same. Don’t go back with her! Say no! So I says so, I’m not afraid of her or any women ever again. I’m happy in my singlehood. So I says, No, I’m sorry, I cannot do that. And she was unhappy, but she accepts it. Four times she came visiting me, asking me the same thing. Second time, she even asks me for sex, so we do, and it didn’t feel right. I didn’t feel right, she didnt’ feel right, so we stopped. Third visit, she asks me to go back with her. I says no. Fourth visit, she bring T and J, and asks me again. I says no, sorry. I was happy to see the kids, they’re good kids… but… it just won’t be right. Sure, we’ll be friends, with benefits, she says, soem “fuck” now and then, she says. I nods, but inside, I knew, NO WAY! It would be a door way for her to suck me down into her stupid life. I don’t want her at all. I had enough of her. And her stupid problems. Boy, she LOVES problems, constantly… always feeling, feeling, feeling… she’s also obsessed with her stupid horoscope, even says it’s true each time they comes out… they’re just GENERICS! (sighs).
I’m still single. I have not been with a woman in 8 years. I have tried to find one online, but, the more I read, the more I look, the more I realised that so many women are having HANGUPS! They’re the ones with the hangups… not we men. We lets off steam and it blows away, done with. Not the women, they holds onto the steam and it goes so stale, they gets more and more steamier by the year… and my need to become a family, to be a real father, to watch my flesh-and-blood, my actual DNA comes forth… to see my children grows up… to be with the woman I truly loves, and know that she truly loves me… that desire, need, fades away… this year I realised I’ll never be with the right kind of women, because more and more women are becoming poisoned by their own kind… they’re doing it to themselves and so far as I know, not one are brave enough to call each other on the tacky games they do to each other, and to men as a whole, and even the kids as well.
(sighs). I found this Proverbs 31:10-31, and it just rings so true, the perfect woman, who is a strong virtuous woman, and that’s the most rare of rare type of woman. A real gem, as God calls her. And she doesn’t exists on this planet. Most women are so far gone, it’s useless to bother looking for love for one of them. I gave up.
I found one, though… RealDoll, thought not cheap, but at least, fun, and gets relief quick. Next alternative is the FleshLight, I’m waiting to save up for that one. Oh well. Whatever I can get some relief. I don’t need women battering on me on and on and on… they have problems, they can deal with it.
As for looking for a woman for love… I realised, why should I? not one of them have demonstrate sane ways of thinking, and so on, that we have read about here. IF women won’t owns up to their mistakes, emotions, etc… then it’s no use living with them. I refused to live with a toxic woman ever again.
But at times, I’d like to know what it’s like, to live with a woman who’s clean, drug-free, booze-free, and calm, happy, normal, unlike these narcisstic crazies that I read about, possibly my exgf was one, though she DID say she’s bipolar but as I had no internete access and books was too dense to figure that out… there was this other thing, TPC, or Lupus, or whatever it is that she also says she have. I always discounted all that doctors crap, as she got three bloody doctors to give her drugs and whatever.
There was one thing, though. That Friday… she took Zyban drugs, she just got that that day… to help her quit smoking, but… it made her COLD… ICE COLD… and she admits this when she came back two years later, when I asked her. Zyban turns women into COLD, ICE COLD, it was scary. I recall her being COLD to me, even though she was warm to anyone else, and I saw her being hot, smiling and laughing with this fat red necked bloke at the deaf club. (sighs). It was years for me to work it all out, bit by bit, remembering all that and then finding the right words and finding any solutions, answers, etc to those things and then clearing them out of my system.
I only knows that, now that I know what women are like, I can be “friends” with them, but never with benefits, and I’ll always be checking them out, daily, hourly, weekly, monthly, and I’ll be very SURE, first. I rather put in effort to clear her than to waste years of hell with such a hellion bitch!
Because I know I have reached my limit. All I asks for is faithfulness, trust, loyalty, the way I was with her. But if another woman went unfaithful, untrustworthy, disloyalty on me, then I’m out. I’m walking away. Just like that. I refused to stay and take her bullshit for one more minute. Never again.
NOw how did they gets that way? Society was TOO PERMISSIVE in letting the females gets away with things. Simply because they looks so good when they’re angry and that kind of crap. I remember T, my exgf daughter, she would gets angry, and picks on her little brother. I calls her on it, and told her off! Her mother would get at me, and I would tell her to shut up and calls her on her mistake, and told her what happened and then she would round out on T… when it was done with! Geez. So that taught me that women gets away with too much, but we must stand firm and tell them off, no matter if they’re two years old or twenty years old or two hundred years old, they MUST owns their mistakes and take responsibility for their emotions. No one is allowed to get away with anything. To do otherwise is dishonest!
So I know what to do for each women I meet, and I’d be careful of each other… I can draw the line and say no to those who are not right in some ways. I can vet each other, even if some fo them thinks it’s not fair. They have only themselves to blame, for their sickness of some sort. They can improve, get better, but they won’t. So their loss. Too bad. No skin off my nose!
All I want is a good woman, the kind of woman who do not display themselves immodestly, guards themselves and not let no man push them around, and most of all, do not drop and have sex with anyone at all… and is totally loyal and faithful to ONE man, not a group of men, and is clean, healthy and loves her home life with her man! That is what I want. That’s all. Is that not much to ask? But no, women these days thinks it’s okay to have anything and not pay the price. Well, too bad, they’re already are paying a very high prices for their so-called “freedom” to do anything they likes… they gets sick, they gets diseaes, and they threw away babies by abortions a lot, and after 300 or 3000 men, they gets depressed about tryign to find a “good” man they can enslaves… and be at their beck and call, even though it wont’ work. And so on and so forth. Each of them are SPOILED brats, all of their whims have been met since they was little girls pretending to be princesses, and it’s all their parents fault! Stupid is as stupid does! It’s no wonder women are crazy these days. When will they owns up and take responsibility for their own craziness? I doubt they will. So why waste time with them? I won’t bother.
No worries okay.
I forgot to say, when we met, my exgf was taller than me. I was 15, she 20, and she was taller, a foot taller. By the time I was 27 I was a foot taller than her, and I recalls her expression, she was chagrinned that I kept growing taller and taller. It was strange. She got this hangups about it. SHe likes me to be younger and shorter, the way it feels, so she can “boss” me around, acting like her age gave her more experience, knowledge, etc… but the funny thing is, I’m well read, I got boxes of books, and she only reads Archie comics, go figure!
Yeah, if I talks real stuff, like heavy densed stuff, she would say her head hurts… she could not follow what I’m talking about. Geez. And I thought she knew stuff? Funny.
I’d read books to her kids, though, it was fun. I’d make noises, tell the stories, and they loves it. Ah well. It is my treasured moments. No wonder she gets jealous of that. She’s just too lazy to read the books to the kids. SHe has no real interest in books. She just gets by with her drugs and not thinking for days… all she does is feels “good”, and to hell with anyone else. Even her kids, too. (sighs). But she made her choice, throwing me out for that fat red neck bloke. I still wont’ go back to her.
NO worries okay.
Have you read this: Should Women Play Sports? http://www.jesus-is-savior.com/Womens%20Page/christian_women_and_sports.htm
Here’s the thing, more women are getting taller, more muscline, and uglier than ever! It’s no wonder, they’re becoming more manlike than feminine.
I met this pretty cop, about six foot or so, taller than me! It was last year. I was surprised to see such a tall woman before. I was confused. Why is women getting taller? It’s like a conspiracy or something. It was strange. What do they do? Take drugs to make themselves taller, so they’d feel superior to men? I find that hard to believe.
But I remember other deaf women I’d seen over the years, acting like men, thinking like men, talking like men… it was horrible to see. I knew I don’t want to marry such ugly mannish women. I wanted a normal woman, but why does women find normal not enough? (sighs).
I asks the pretty cop. “Why are you tall?” She wouldn’t say. So I says, “You’re pretty, what do you do?” I didnt’ care if my words was rude or not. I just wanted to know. So I says again, “What do you do?” Apart from the obvious, she’s a cop! SO she says she plays sports. It struck me as curious. I says, “Oh, that’s boring. I like books.” Then she had to attend to her partner, talking stuff over there. We never talked again.
Then I sees this webpage, and it made a lot of sense. Women played sports in schools, then it from there to semi-professional, and then to professional… no one at home except men, maybe some men looking after their kids, or just single women doing sports and whoring around with any tom-dick-harry out there, or a barren life, thinking they’re independent and happy, in their illusions… Whatever!
(sighs).