“When you look into the abyss, it’s not supposed to wave back…” –Terry Pratchett
This has been a difficult post for me to start, as it involves confronting some of my own demons. That said, it’s time to talk about The Darkness.
After breaking up with the ex, I felt euphoric. The relief I felt washed over me and through me, like a soothing, relaxing wave. I was done with my stay in Hell. I’d survived. I’d made it. The future held nothing but pure potential. I could be or do anything.
Except I couldn’t.
Haunted by the Ghost
I was immobilized by fear. I couldn’t function. I couldn’t remember to eat, sleep or get dressed. I was on heightened alert, constantly waiting for her to show up at the apartment or my workplace, to call me, or to e-mail me, to continue the rages and to continue to try to destroy me. Every night when I walked home from work, I dreaded turning the corner to the street I lived on for fear that I would see her car parked out front. When I did sleep, I was plagued with nightmares. I was a mess.
One thing that helped was to start to Break the Routines, as I’ve written about before. Even with this (and therapy), however, I began to find the despair overwhelming. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t think. Each day was like walking in an ever increasingly blacker fog. Anhedonia and apathy set in.
Every morning, I woke up caring less and less. The shame, the guilt and the fear left over from the relationship coupled with trying to figure out if I was the person she’d led me to believe I was and my inability to sort out just whose mental/emotional/psychological garbage was whose, drove me to consider the unthinkable; suicide. Scratch that. I didn’t consider it. I simply almost did it.
One day, on my way to work, I found myself walking towards the edge of the train platform with no intention to stop. The train was approaching and I didn’t care. I needed it all to end. At the very last second, I realized what I was doing and grabbed a nearby bench and didn’t let go until the train had stopped. I spent the rest of the day shaking.
That night, I realized I needed help. I wasn’t going to let her win. I was already in therapy at this point and I had a discussion with my therapist about my near miss. Truthfully, I don’t recall what she said to me, but with her help, I decided to put in place a few mechanisms to help me not get this close to the abyss ever again.
As with everything I write about, this is what worked for me. This is no substitute for professional help—just some tips from someone who was able to walk away from a very large decision.
- I bookmarked this page: http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/. I read it over and over again. When I needed to be reminded, I’d read it again. While I don’t know how “clinically accurate” it is, the phrase “Suicide is not chosen; it happens when pain exceeds the resources for coping with pain” resonated very strongly with me. I now understood how/why I was able to dissociate and only barely stop myself from stepping in front of a train.
- 1-800-273-8255. The National Suicide Prevention Hotline (for the U.S.) is now in my cellphone contact list, under “help.” If someone were to gain access to my phone, they wouldn’t need to see who “help” actually is. But I now knew that help was just a phone call away.
- I made up stupid excuses to live. Absurd ones, even. I think the biggest one was, “I need to see how Lost ends.” Okay, Lost is over now. Pick your favorite TV series or series of books. I’m now working on the “List of Every Movie I’ve Ever Wanted to See” and the “List of Every Book I’ve Ever Wanted to Read.” They’re big lists and I’m constantly adding to them. While I’m on the subject, what about that band you’ve always wanted to see live? When’s their next tour? What about that place you’ve always wanted to travel to?
- I deliberately put myself in one of her classic “double-bind” situations. I figured if I committed suicide, she’d win (not to mention use her feigned “grief” as a method for getting more attention and sympathy and/or smear me for abandoning her). If I attempted suicide, but failed, it would just re-confirm her view that I’m unable of accomplishing anything. In this case, it was best not to “try” at all.
Eventually, as I continued my therapy, the feelings diminished considerably. As I regained functionality and realized that it was a long road that stretched out ahead, I became content with the progress from baby steps. Well, more content, anyway. I’m still a little impatient.
There are reasons to live. Yes, the pain is overwhelming at times and it may feel like it has exceeded our capacity to cope with it. We have forgotten who we are and this is a source of deep, agonizing pain, which is incomprehensible to anyone who hasn’t lived through it.
What I’m trying to tell you is to hang on. You can’t let her win. You’re better than that. It’s going to take some work. You’re going to be rebuilding and rediscovering yourself. Take pleasure in the most primal and simple things. Each day, I count how many ducks there are in the pond outside of my office. I say good morning to them. I’m finding that there is simple joy in sharing ideas and getting to know people without any agendas or strings attached.
I still have moments where I think about ending it all. Once you’ve opened that door a crack, it’s hard to close it again. But with patience and perseverance comes perspective. I can’t let her win. And, honestly, I’ve got too many books on my reading list, too many movies in my Netflix queue, too many sunsets to watch. And there’s always the ducks.
Stick around. It might just be worth it.
Want to Say Goodbye to Crazy? Buy it HERE.
Shrink4Men Coaching and Consulting Services:
Dr Tara J. Palmatier provides confidential, fee-for-service, consultation/coaching services to help both men and women work through their relationship issues via telephone and/or Skype chat. Her practice combines practical advice, support, reality testing and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Shrink4Men Services page for professional inquiries.
Congratulations, Kev…you made it…check some things out…check out Hoffmanquadrinityprocess.com and also to help you out, start getting into the stuff by the Dalai Lama…fantastic man…knows what life is all about…he has a website with tons of videos…some that last over 2 hours (dalailama.com) and he also has a Facebook Page….cheers
Thank you! I’m doing tremendously better these days, but it’s kinda the elephant in the room, and wanted to address it for people who might be in that place themselves.
I will check out your suggestions when I get home tonight!
cheers,
-Kev.
Thank you, Kev, for having the courage to share this experience here. It’s very difficult for people who have never encountered someone like your ex to wrap their mind around the depth of pain and damage they leave in their wake.
Kind Regards,
Dr Tara
Kev:
Thank you so much! To echo Dr. T, it was a courageous thing for you write about. It’s not easy to open up your heart and soul like that.
It reminds me of one of my ‘stupid’ reasons for not going through with it – my pessimistic attitude. I figured that knowing my luck, I’d end up in a wheelchair or disabled or stuck in a nursing home for the rest of my long, long life. I can laugh about it now, but honestly, that is what kept me from cranking hard on the steering wheel every time I drove across an overpass, bridge and past every lake and river.
It also helped to realize that my children would then be stuck with only him – without me there to ‘balance’ things out (granted, I wasn’t always ’emotionally healthy’ – hence the marriage to not just one but two abusers)…the girls were a he** of a lot better off emotionally with me than without me.
I tell them sometimes, “You have saved my life more times than you’ll ever know.”
Hi GirlInside…
I’m very glad you’re still with us, as well, and that your children have you.
The joy of “stupid excuses” is that they’re easy to hang on to, and, if you’re in the right frame of mind, can actually make you smile, too. I really did need to see how Lost ended. I’d invested a lot of time into it at that point, and had to see it through.
I know your “knowing my luck” excuse all too well, and it’s a good one.
-K.
A sorry tale indeed. She must have had quite the hold over you to affect you so deeply in such a short time. I was married to an abusive woman for a decade, but she never affected me in such a way. I was euphoric when she left, and have never looked back!
The difference, perhaps, is that I know my self worth. No-one can convince me otherwise. No matter what machinations she wielded against me, she could never crack my teflon-coated suit of armour, and the more desperate and depraved she became in trying to do so, only proved that I was the better person. It was sad, and kind of amusing too, to watch her impotently rail against the impenetrable rock bastion of my indomitable will. Eventually she realised she would never win, and slinked away, tail between her legs.
The most important thing you can do to help yourself, is to believe in yourself.
Hi MM,
100% agreed.
In my situation, my self-esteem has never been particularly great. Coupled with this, I found myself in an academic community that put a major emphasis on self-analysis, and “being understanding of others’ needs” (long story). What I knew was, she was upset with me, therefore I must have inadvertantly done that thing she’d accused me of (stared too long at the waitress, endangered her life by not getting the address for where we were staying, flirted with the other guest at the place we were staying, etc.), because otherwise, I could find no rational explanation for her behavior (now I know there is no rational explanation).
In my efforts to please her, combined with my own self-esteem issues, combined with this mentality of “being understanding of others’ needs” (which I realize I practiced at the sacrifice of my own), plus many of the “brainwashing” techniques that Dr. T outlined on the old blog, I fell prey to a perfect storm. We were together only a short time, compared to many people who visit this site, but the depth of her rages and the affect they had on me were incredibly overpowering.
These days, I’ve vowed “never again.” I am who I am, and I am no longer willing to change or sacrifice that for anyone.
Honestly, these days, most of the stuff she attacked me for is now laughable to me. She never knew me, and never really got to know me, because she was too busy trying to control me. My problem is, I let her, at first to try to make her happy, and finally, just to make everything stop.
Never again.
Glad you got out intact. I don’t think I would have lasted a decade. It just felt like one. 🙂
Kev,
What a fantastic, inspiring piece.
JP
Wow, Kev,
That was an intense article! It sounds like you were able to turn things around and get a grip on things.
Both my father and maternal grandfather committed suicide and my mother died of an apparent accidental overdose of pills and alcohol, all before I was 23. It’s not a topic to be taken lightly so I’d like to add a suggestion to your ideas.
Based on my family’s history, there was always something in the back of my mind that made me worry that someday I might develop whatever problems my family had and not be able to recognize them myself. I went so far as to set up criteria that I gave to my wife and told her, if you see these and I don’t respond to you asking about them, take that as a sign of serious trouble. For me, the biggest kicker was if I truly lost my sense of humor for an extended period of time. I told her if she saw that, she should start watching for other possible indicators like giving away possessions, etc.
It only works with someone you’re close to and can really trust but sometimes you may need that extra pair of eyes.
Great article Kev. I am glad you are here to empower us all with your experiences.
It does help to acknowledge the amount of vices that we all went through while still in these relationships. The guilt tripping is a huge factor. In my view the odds they stack against you, over time, is all meant to defeat your capacity to triumph – ESPECIALLY WHEN ITS THE TIME TO LEAVE THE RELATIONSHIP. Remember that these individuals cannot stand abandonment and will then instill a whole lot of fear and doubt on you so that you don’t even contemplate leaving them – I am still trying hard to reverse it all.
Another great article Kevin and just what I needed – that abyss is waving back at me right now – this article helps me remember that “it could be worth it” to “stick around” – thanks!
It is… it is. Sometimes this world can be pretty damn cool.
Honsetly…can’t wait until this house sells…we havent spoken for days, yet she phones me up if I can lend her money to put into her Bank Account to cover her Overdraft and then I will get it back in a few days…I told her “No”…she treats me like a dog and then expects me to bow down to her requests…what a Wing-Nut!!
I found that working out, walking, biking or anything psychical helps tremendously. Get on a good work out routine and eat healthy foods. It pays in the long run.
Thanks David for raising this point.
I cannot over-emphasize how much walking (alone) has done for me, simply amazing. I made it a routine to go for a walk – early mornings or afternoons.
Ironically, when my NPD went to see a psychiatrist, for her to deal with the stress “my” issues were causing, her psychiatrist’s suggestion (without ever knowing me, meeting me or talking to me), was that I should take up Squash, to relieve my pent up energy. :rolleyes: My “pent up energy” was a result of my formerly very amorous wife refusing to have sex with me, much less even kiss her on the mouth, for no discernible reason. Squash wasn’t going to help that. Cold showers didn’t, either.
As for exercise, I was running 19 hours/day working and catering to her horse obsession (could anyone honestly argue that handling horses is not physical?) trying to keep her happy. I really didn’t need more physical exertion on top of that.
Having said that, after I left, I started walking/mountain biking around the small city I moved to, just to fill the hours that were formerly filled catering to her. I lost 25 lbs. without even trying, and found that the exercise/fresh air helped a lot with clarity and closure.
Congrats! Keep it up. Me, I’ve lost over 50lbs.
Hang in there. I happens to a lot, if not all, of us. But these are much better times, for the internet is seeing the burgeoning mens movement in various blogs and websites. Sites I have looked for since first getting a computer 3 years ago, but only really seeing a year ago.
I recommend The Spearhead, The Solomon Group, In Mala Fide, Dalrock. This is an interesting time. Even though we are ignored by academia and MSM, most historical shifts in thinking begin in the humblest of places.
And, on that note, I thank Dr Tara for showing a compassionate woman’s voice to our plight.
Hi Lovekraft (one of my favorite authors!),
I’m doing much better these days. Honestly, suicide isn’t really an option at this point. Like I said, too much to read/see/do.
I do read The Spearhead, In Mala Fide, and Dalrock. Haven’t checked out The Solomon Group (but will). Zed the Zenpriest’s writings are also well worth checking out. I also read Misandry Review, False Rape Society, and a few others.
While I don’t agree with everything I read on any of these places, I do find the majority of what I read there at least thought-provoking, which -to me- is a good thing. Stretches the brain, it does.
I’m also grateful to Dr. Tara for her work, her efforts, and her ability to understand that there’s a larger picture, as well as giving me the opportunity to write. My hopes are that one day, a little common sense can be restored, and, in the words of the great philosopher Rodney King, we can all get along.
Thank you for sharing this with us. I think this brings up the important issue of the lack of awareness of the damage the PD’s behavior does to nons. Right now, I’m in the midst of struggling with some issues as the result of being raised by a Cluster B mother. I’m not suicidal and I’m making some good and positive changes in my life. But the anxiety and self doubt I sometimes experience are major. Going through a rough patch of it now, but I look at it as being like surgical pain. The malignancy is gone, but the wound site is going to hurt for a bit to come. But still better than the alternative! 🙂
I really wish people were more aware of this damage. Well meaning friends, extended family and even a former therapist have tried to persuade me that I should remain in contact with my mother, despite the fact that she continued to actively emotionally abuse me. I think if more people really knew exactly what they do, this wouldn’t happen. I’m not saying there should be no compassion for Cluster Bs, but I think those damaged by Cluster Bs are often given short shrift when we’re told things like “but she’s your mother” or “but she’s ill, she can’t help herself” or “how can you abandon someone who is mentally ill?” In a way, we are re-victimized.
Hi Exscapegoat…
I wholeheartedly agree with you about the lack of support given to nons by well-meaning friends, etc. I didn’t have that direct experience, but in so much of the literature I read on the subject (and still find, occasionally), it’s all about placating the abuser, trying to make sure they aren’t “triggered,” and so on and so forth. How can I (to borrow a phrase) Stop Walking on Eggshells, if all I’m doing is giving in? Even boundaries are then a constant struggle if not all out war.
Better to leave, and go no contact, to the maximum ability one has, and stick firm to that.
I wouldn’t wish our experiences on anyone, but at the same time, I’m not sure how to describe them to others who haven’t been there, to the extent that they finally “get it.” All I can think of is that time the police returned one of Jeffrey Dahmer’s victims to Dahmer, thinking it was “just a lover’s spat.”
Do I have compassion for someone with a Cluster B disorder? If I’m being honest, I have to say “no.” Sure, I’m sorry they have this dictating their lives, but at the same time, my “compassion” is what put me in that situation to begin with. It’s been burnt out of me. I used to feel guilt about this. I don’t anymore. Do I like that this change has come about in me? Not particularly. But in order to survive, it’s 100% necessary for me now.
Thankfully, we have this community within which to help each other out, and I’m very grateful to Dr. T and to everyone here for their valuable insights.
I think your analogy of surgical pain is a good one. As a wise man once said to me as I was having trouble with kidney stones: “Pain is an indicator that your body is doing what it’s supposed to be doing; warning you that something is wrong. You should worry more if the situation wasn’t causing you pain.”
I hope you have a good holiday (I’m assuming you’re in the U.S.), and hang in there, okay?
So true…the same can be said for emotional pain…it’s meant to tell us, “Something needs to change.”
I, too, heard and still hear others tell me how much my Mother Figure loved and still loves me, and how she just doesn’t know how to show it/doesn’t show it the way I want her to. Coddling her ‘tender ego’ (HA!)
Then I was watching an early morning evangelical show, and a man, Paul Meyer was on. He said “You don’t have to spend time with your parents if they continue to abuse you into adulthood.” “You can honor your parents without ever seeing them.” “God wants you to defend yourself from abuse.” I wrote those quotes on little white sticky notes and now keep them posted in my cubicle at work.
Hearing that, felt like I finally had ‘permission’ (from a believer at that) to LET GO of them (read: Stop giving a damn) without feeling guilty. Since finding recovery, I’ve stopped putting up with her crap, and she has of course become a fawning victim, and has others convinced that I’m abusive to her (*not putting up with an abuser’s sh** is mischaracterized by them and played up to others as your being abusive to them*).
So…I decided that instead of spending one more minute of my life trying to prove myself to her/them…I will instead ’embrace’ my role as Black Sheep. When I do something she / they disapprove of (like request respect), and they get nasty with me…I figure…I’m doing ‘right’ by her, b/c I’m playing the eeeeevil role I’ve been assigned. Goody!
I don’t know how applicable this is to a SO situation, but I always hope that my 2 cents (and facetiousness) helps someone, somehow.
TGI, I walked away from my birth family 15 years ago, because of some serious, serious crap. My parents, and 8 brothers and sisters – no contact. Didn’t even go to my alcoholic father’s funeral, and a brother tried to contact me on Facebook a month ago to let me know that my mother was in ICU and it was serious.
My response, callous as it may seem, was “I wish her well, but I don’t want to have contact with anyone.” And that’s how it will stay. I decided when I left that I didn’t need to spend my life with people who hurt me (oh, I wish I’d remembered that before I married my NPD).
Do I miss having a “family”? Well, I can’t really answer that, because looking back, I’ve never had a real one, anyway. Am I healthier for it? You betcha!!
Thanks, I am in the US. Spent a nice day with extended family. Also realized a lot of anxiety was tied to the holiday season starting. Last year was the first one since cut off and I was prepared to feel unsettled because of the holidays. I was both dreading and hoping for some sort of contact, a call or a card. Dreading it because I didn’t want to break NC (initiated by them for not being a good enough of a scapegoat) and hoping for it because I wanted some connection with my family, especially at the holidays. This year I wasn’t actively thinking about it and it really blindsided me. Once the lightbulb went off, as in “hey, the holidays are coming, no wonder I’m a bit off”, then I was able to recognize the feelings as pretty normal for the situation and I’ve resolved a significant amount of my anxiety over this.
Emotional pain… The hurt .. The anger… The lies.. The Gaslighing.. The Abuse…The list goes on and on.. I don’t think any man wants to admit he was in a Controlling Relationship… But to move on you must break the hold your ex had over you.. Let them think they have won.. If your ex is not in your life anymore… Then you have won.. Beacuse.. you will be better for it and may meet someone worthy of your love… Been two years now away from my ex…No contact.. I give up my home.. Two step boys.. who i was very close too. All Hoilday Home.. fORCED TO SELL MY SHARE TO MY EX .. 70/30 IN HER FAV.. ALL my personal possessions.. Had nothing from the house…Forced to plead guilty to battery.. even thow// my ex assaulted me..constance smear campaign….false allegations to the police by my ex.. There have been many times I wished to give up.. But I am lucky.. she is not in my life anymore.. Yes I won.
I wonder how many men are in prison today based on false allegations — how many were in situations similar to yours. The pain, hurt, anger, et al are nothing in comparison to the consequences of false allegations in a legal system that is increasingly biased against men.
Thanks for another great article.
It’s comforting to no end to realise one is not alone in these battles. It can be debilitating just thinking about trying to explain what you’ve been through to those that simply cannot relate (or have only seen your ex’s public persona).
For those of you in Australia it’s worth noting the following details in place of the US number listed in Kev’s article.
Lifeline Australia
http://www.lifeline.org.au/
Find Help – Call 13 11 14 (24 hrs), access suport services and resources
Beyond Blue – The National Depression Initiative
http://www.beyondblue.org.au/index.aspx?
Info line 1300 22 4636
BAD BLOOD – Neil Sedaka
It could have been me,
But it was you,
Who went and bit off a little bit more than he could chew,
You said that you had it made,
But you been had,
The woman, no good, no how, thinkin’ maybe the blood is bad,
Bad Blood,
The woman was born to lie,
Makes promises she can’t keep,
With the wink of an eye,
Bad Blood,
Brother you’ve been decieved,
It’s bound to change your mind about all you believe,
From where I stand,
It looks mighty strange,
How you let a woman like that treat you like small change,
I don’t understan what you’re looking to find,
The only thing bad blood do is mess up a good man’s mind,
Hear me talkin’ now,
Bad blood,
The Bitch is in her smile,
The lie is on her lips,
Such an evil child,
Bad blood,
Is taking you for a ride,
The only good thing about bad blood is lettin’ it slide
These past few articles from Kev have been very helpful. I got a book from the library, called “Forgive for Good” by Dr. Fred Luskin. It puts things in perspective about our ex’s after we wake up and look back at the road of destruction. I never in a million years thought I would of allowed myself to be treated the way I was. And I was extremely angry with her. I realize some of this is normal and healthy but it was getting old. It was time to let go and forgive her for my own sake, never for hers. I recommend it, there’s alot of useful information to use in just about any situation.