Should I wish my NPD ex a happy birthday? Or, what I like to call No-Win Situation #763.
This isn’t a trick question. In fact, it’s a good example of the kind of no-win situations many people who share custody with a crazy ex have a tough time navigating. Many of my clients who share custody with a narcissist or borderline ex grapple with this very predicament. It’s most common during the first couple of post-divorce years. A time when clients are establishing boundaries and trying to figure out the new normal with an ex who’s anything but.
The inclination to “be normal,” play nice and cooperate isn’t necessarily a bad one. It speaks to my clients’ integrity, maturity and decency.
On the other hand, it can also speak to a lack of boundaries, well-founded anxiety and a bad case of wishful thinking. In case you haven’t noticed yet, emotionally immature, pathologically entitled, low integrity people don’t follow the golden rule. They’re incapable of relationships characterized by mutual respect, consideration and reciprocity. So, be clear about why you’re choosing or not choosing to wish the NPD/BPD ex a happy birthday.
What does the NPD/BPD get out of creating no-win situations?
Being in a relationship with a narcissist, borderline or histrionic eventually becomes an endless series of no-win situations. Regardless of the issue of the day (or the hour), you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t. What does Crazy derive from being perpetually disappointed by and angry with you?
She’s a Power Victim (just coined that term!)
For starters, the NPD/BPD gets to play victim. Playing victim is one of the preferred ways toxic people wield power and control others. In this respect, they’re “power victims.” They’re always the winners in the no-win situations they create. You screwed up again. You’re hopeless. Don’t you know how lucky you are she tolerates you? [Sarcasm.] She’s in the superior position and you’re, once again, in the inferior position.
Attention-seeking and validation.
This is one of the ways the emotionally colicky adult toddler seeks attention and emotional validation. You can’t do anything right. Does she need to explain everything to you? If you really loved her you’d know how to please her. You’re going to have to try harder and do more to make it up to her. These individuals have an insatiable appetite for this game and it’s exhausting.
Abdicating personal responsibility and accountability.
Creating no-win situations also allows the BPD/NPD to abdicate responsibility and accountability. By putting you in impossible situations, they can deflect blame and responsibility away from themselves and onto you. If things go wrong, it’s your fault for making the “wrong” choice, not caring enough, etc. In adult reality land, the NPD/BPD is to blame for their unhappiness. They foment the abandonment and loss of love they so profoundly fear because they won’t stop playing these kinds of toxic emotionally manipulative games.
Drama! Drama! Drama!
An effective no-win situation can provide hours, days and weeks of drama for the NPD/BPD to bask in. It can also be rehashed in perpetuity with each new no-win situation. I believe narcissists and other high-conflict people use drama as a kind of self-stimulation. Not to gross you out, but it’s a kind of emotional masturbation they force you to watch and then clean up after they’re done.
Testing your love.
Narcissists, borderlines et al confuse a partner’s willingness to tolerate their abuse with how much their partners love them. To clarify, a willingness to tolerate a BPD/NPD’s abuse is not a measure of your love, loyalty and devotion. It’s a measure of much abuse you’re willing to accept and likely unresolved childhood issues and codependency.
Trauma bonding.
Over time, being put no-win situations chips away at your self-esteem, self-worth and self-concept. It also creates a sense of learned helplessness, which can lead to depression and anxiety. Then it’s a slippery slope to isolation and emotional dependence on your abuser.
Why is wishing the NPD/BPD ex a happy birthday a no-win situation?
Because no matter what you choose to do, you will be wrong, of course! For example:
You don’t wish the NPD/BPD ex a happy birthday.
“I’m the children’s MOTHER!!!! I can’t believe you didn’t wish me a happy birthday!! You know, the kids can see what a POS you are!! [In other words, the ex tells the kids what a POS you are.] You never loved me!!! DO BETTER!!!
You wish the NPD/BPD ex a happy birthday.
“Oh please! You don’t care if I have a happy birthday, you bleeping hypocrite!!! You’re just putting on a show for the kids and my friends, so I look like the asshole!! If you really cared about me having a happy birthday you’d know I don’t want birthday wishes from you!!!”
You wish the NPD/BPD ex a happy birthday and help the kids make/buy birthday presents.
“Bleeping cheapskate!!! Homemade cards and bath gel?!?! It’s bad enough you don’t pay enough in alimony and child support, you deadbeat!!! [You pay exactly what’s court ordered on time, so not a deadbeat.] Don’t expect anything from the kids on my end for your birthday!!! [LOL, as if.]
And scene!
So what should you do?
For starters, make your peace with failure. If you wish her a happy birthday, you’ll be the asshole; if you don’t wish her a happy birthday, you’ll be the asshole. As I advise clients, if no matter what you do will be good enough, why not do what’s good for you? Namely, stop playing games you can’t win. And start winning by refusing to play the NPD/BPD’s childish games.
To that end, here’s what I tell clients who struggle with the question, “Should I wish my NPD ex a happy birthday?“:
1) If you don’t share minor children with the BPD/NPD ex why aren’t you No Contact? Oh, wishing her a happy birthday post-divorce or break-up is the nice thing to do? Be honest with yourself. Are you really “being nice,” or hoping for some recognition that you’re really a good guy/gal?
2) If you share custody, I recommend helping younger kids (12 and under) make cards and gifts or purchase a nominal gift. Most kids under 12 are unemployed. An extravagant gift feeds the NPD/BPD entitlement monster, so don’t do it. It’s people pleaser doormat behavior. It also reinforces her perception of you as someone she can manipulate and exploit.
3) Once the kids are teens, acknowledging mom’s birthday, making a gift or buying a gift (if they don’t have an allowance or a job) is on them. If your ex’s love language is “Buy me lots of expensive crap,” you’ll likely get some narcissistic injury fueled blow back when pharaoh’s tribute isn’t paid.
4) Don’t expect a Cluster B personality disorder ex to encourage the kids to acknowledge your birthday whether you choose to help the kids celebrate her birthday or not. There’s rarely any reciprocity with these individuals.
Final thought: THINK MACARONI NECKLACE.
Counseling, Consulting and Coaching with Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD
I provide help for men in relationships with abusive women. Since 2009, I’ve specialized in helping abused men end toxic relationships, cope with the stress of ongoing abuse, high-conflict divorce, parallel parenting skills and heal from the subsequent trauma. I combine practical advice, emotional support and goal-oriented outcomes. If you’d like to work with me, please visit the Schedule a Session page or you can email me directly at [email protected]. or [email protected].
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