If you’re the victim of a narcissist, borderline, psychopath or other abusive personality, you probably understand how toxic and dysfunctional your relationships is, but still can’t transition into ending the relationship and walking away. It’s not unusual and there are many reasons for this.
While abuse isn’t a gender issue, as both sexes perpetrate at nearly equal rates, in my experience, male and female victims have similar tipping points, but different breaking points when it comes to ending the relationship. What’s the difference between a tipping point and the breaking point?
One tipping point is when you finally admit to yourself that, yes, your relationship really is that bad and that, yes, your spouse or partner really is that f–ked up. After which, you formulate rationalizations to stay and excuses for the narcissist’s deplorable behavior, perhaps blaming yourself, their ex-spouse or their family of origin.
Another tipping point is when you stop protecting and enabling your abuser and confide in a trusted friend, family member or therapist about what’s been going on in your relationship. Admitting it to yourself is a big step. Admitting it out loud to others is huge. It makes it more real in that it’s out there and the people who care about you will hold you accountable if you let them.
Abuse flourishes in secrecy. Abusers will caution you not to “talk about them” or the relationship, saying they don’t want anyone to know their business. Yeah, darn right they don’t. More like they don’t want anyone knowing what they’re really like in private. They also don’t want anyone telling you how terribly they’re treating you.
That’s one of the reasons abusers do their best to isolate you. It’s about controlling you and your reality, and getting you to buy into their distorted and dishonest reality. They don’t want any meddlesome third parties pointing out that the sky is blue, not chartreuse or whatever color it is in Narcitania.
What gets you to the tipping point?
Usually it’s lots of little things, the proverbial death by a thousand paper cuts. It often happens in moments of quiet self-reflection. The first tipping point in my relationship with my narcissistic ex occurred on a solo hike with my dogs the last summer we were together. I reflected upon a series of issues that were supposed to get better — like his rage episodes, his self-absorption, his selfishness and his never-ending multiple and mushrooming civil lawsuits with employers, business partners, neighbors, whoever — after some magical endpoint like after reaching financial security, after healing from the abuse he claims to have suffered from his ex-wife and after, after, after.
For the first time on that hike, I admitted to myself that the issues weren’t the issue. The issues were manifestations of the what the underlying issue is, was, always has been and always will be — his personality. Those things didn’t happen to him; he created them and they’d likely never end. I quickly pushed those realizations away, and started rationalizing. I liked where I lived (especially when he went on extended business trips). We both made big life changes to be together. I can handle it, blah, blah, blah. You know the drill.
The second and final tipping point was when I finally admitted to a few friends what was going on. Namely, that he’d been openly having an affair with a mullet haired, buck-toothed, bisexual former child actress (I swear I’m not making this up!) and that his behavior toward me was becoming increasingly cruel, or rather increasingly crueler. They told me in no uncertain terms that I had to get out and offered me a place to stay.
Still, I wavered. Then I told another friend and she lobbed an accountability bomb. She asked, “What would you tell a client to do?” At that point, I knew what I had to do, but hadn’t quite hit my breaking point yet.
A breaking point is the proverbial straw that breaks the dromedary’s back (that would be you, Mr. or Ms. Camel). Sometimes, it’s a big thing. For men, the breaking point is usually when their narcissistic or borderline wife or girlfriend cheats on them. I work with men who are routinely bit, slapped, kicked, punched, scratched and have their property destroyed by abusive wives and girlfriends, and they stay.
Even after there’s been police involvement, including false allegations, sometimes that’s still not enough for these men to give themselves permission to leave. But if she cheats, well, that’s a different story. While many of the women I work with will tolerate adultery, including serial adultery, their breaking point is usually physical violence. I’m one of these women, too, so I don’t judge.
Sometimes the breaking point occurs over something that’s seemingly insignificant, but is one degradation, humiliation or exasperation too many. Like the umpteenth time she sits across from you at the dinner table ignoring you and Facebooking on her phone. Or he has the umpteenth tantrum when a neighbor disagrees with him at the annual summer block party.
My breaking point unfolded as a one-two-three punch over 2 week period. Punch one was a psychotic rage episode he indulged in while trying to erect that year’s Christmas tree. He sneered at me, delighting in how it would be the last Christmas tree he’d ever have as his affair partner is a “non-Christian.” I’m not at all religious, so not sure what the point was except to inflict pain. Why was he so pissed? Because he had to get off his ass, put down the Facebook and help me after eating the dinner I cooked and served him.
As he raged, his face going from red to purple, eyes bulging and shouting, “I CAN’T GET IT UP!!! WHY CAN’T I GET IT UP???!!!” I didn’t know whether to laugh or lock myself in the bedroom.
Punch two happened the next day. He was taking his mistress on a trip to Istanbul 3 days after we returned from Mexico, having lied to me about the Turkey trip for weeks. He tried to reassure me by saying that while he was no longer interested in having sex with me, not to worry, I was still “fuckable” and surely some other man would want me. And who says narcissists don’t have empathy! Pshaw!
Still, I had one foot in denial, one foot in bargaining and my head jammed up the backside of misdirected self-blame. As far as codependency goes, at that moment in my life I was a super trooper.
The third and literal punch happened the night after he returned from Turkey. I told him I’d finally confided in friends what was going on and he punched me. Well, to be accurate, he sucker punched me while my back was turned. I like to think if I’d seen it coming I’d have been able to bob and weave, but he didn’t afford me that courtesy.
I was in shock the next morning. I couldn’t believe he hit me, but then why not? I was hanging in there for each and every new treachery and humiliation. Why not that one?
Yet, there I was. And did he have remorse? Did he offer a heartfelt apology? No and no.
Eight hours after sucker punching me, he sat happily in his chair across from his brother and me, Cleveland Browns game on the TV, chomping on a bagel, posting photos on Facebook he’d taken in Turkey and yammering on about what a “magical” trip it was (I screenshot it). Of course, he didn’t mention he’d traveled with his mistress and had assaulted his girlfriend 8 hours before.
And that was it for me. Even at the height of all my codependent glory, I couldn’t rationalize or blame myself for that breathtakingly gratuitous bit of assholery.
At a recent Aimee Mann concert, she introduced the song, “You Never Loved Me,” by saying, “Have you ever known an asshole who’s such a sick asshole that you’re like hat’s off — that didn’t even hurt!” Why yes, Aimee, yes, I do. I didn’t just laugh, I snort laughed because that’s exactly how it felt.
I took him to the airport the next day. En route, I brought up his assault. He smirked and asked, “What did you expect?” Fair point. As I was pretty sure it was a rhetorical question, I didn’t bother to reply. What did I expect? He’d shown me who he was every step of the way and because of my codependency, I ignored it or made excuses for it.
After dropping him off at the American Airlines terminal, where we’d first laid eyes on each other 7-1/2 years before (I do like symmetry), I returned home and hired professional movers to come the following day and was gone by midnight. I understood that leaving on my terms would likely trigger a narcissistic rampage to end all narcissistic rampages. And it did.
He pounded out increasingly insane emails demanding I sign non-disclosure agreements to never tell anyone about him and his mistress, demanding I contact all friends and family I told about his betrayal and abuses that I’d lied and was under acute stress. He also wanted me to sign a document obligating me to pay both he and his mistress 2 year’s worth of their respective salaries if I spoke to anyone about them. I couldn’t make this stuff up if I tried. The craziest email was over 12,000 words long and read like it was written by a third world tin-pot dictator with an advanced case of neurosyphilis dementia.
Again, anticipating rampages and triangulation, I moved somewhere I’d never been before, where I knew no one and rented a house sight unseen save for Internet photos. Fortunately, I had the resources to do so. From the night I left, I went No Contact and haven’t looked back since. The only thing I regret is not leaving sooner. But that couldn’t happen until I’d reached my breaking point.
If you don’t leave once you hit the breaking point, then you risk becoming irrevocably broken. I work with people who have gone past this point. Each time I think they’ve reached their bottom, they break ground on new subterranean depths. It’s painful to bear witness to such needless self-inflicted suffering. At that point, all I can do is remind them they don’t have to live that way and have choices. They may not like their choices, but they have choices.
Why am I sharing this? To illustrate I understand how difficult it can be to leave. Really, I do. I’m a cliché — one narcissistic parent, one codependent parent who dated a string of narcissistic and borderline men. I’m also sharing it in the hopes of sparing you the worst humiliations and abuses yet to come if you haven’t left yet, that is to say, whatever your breaking point is.
As much as it may scare you to contemplate ending the relationship, you can and will heal. You can and will move past it. However, you can only heal once you’re out of the relationship. You can’t get better while swallowing poison everyday. With enough time and distance, you may find yourself laughing about the really absurd stuff you experienced while residing in Narcitania, and even find value in the pain you suffered in terms of making healthier choices, not repeating the past and helping others.
Counseling, Consulting and Coaching with Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD
Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD provides services to help individuals work through their relationship issues via telephone or Skype, particularly men and women who trying to break free of an abusive relationship, cope with the stress of an abusive relationship or heal from an abusive relationship. She combines practical advice, support, reality testing and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Schedule a Session page for professional inquiries.
Want to Say Goodbye to Crazy? Buy it HERE.
“If you don’t leave once you hit the breaking point, then you risk becoming irrevocably broken.” Wow, this is a powerful statement from your wisdom that I will share with others. I’m glad I left when I did. Sure, sooner would have been better. But I wasn’t so broke that I could never be fixed again. It was hard, but staying would have broken me…
I’m glad you’re out.
Hello Dr. Tara,
Thank you for sharing your life experiences with your narc ex. But this post of yours touched my heart real deep, you made my eyes wet. Really, I never expected a beautiful (PsyD) doctor who can kill a thousand Shakespeares with her wit and humourous writing to have gone through all of this pain. I really feel sorry for all that you’ve gone through in those past years. Dr. Tara. Only a coward will put his hands on a woman not a man. And what can a common man like me do to make you feel better at this moment nothing but share my own life experiences. Dr. Tara it’s been a year this month I ever saw her on her FB page. Since then I haven’t used facebook. It’s the longest I have gone on NC. I have moved to my native place some 2000 kms. away from where I used to live i.e. I have changed the state not country. I know she’s got my number but she won’t call me ever because she is the quiet borderline type. Now after one year I feel a lot relieved and that’s all because of you. Everytime I felt like going back I made it a habit to check shrinkformen and go through your new and old writings. Your posts, your words helped me and still help me to stay sane, away from that woman. Dr. Tara what I’ve found (mostly men do) is that by keeping hatred towards the person who hurt you bad makes you more weak and the other stronger. So if I say that I have completely forgiven her then I may be lying to myself because her hate has made me love myself even more or may be more than ever. Dr. Tara, she taught me what I really wanted to be i.e. a better person who cares for himself. That doesn’t mean I became a narcississt, no, I just don’t put my life in danger no more by trying to be the white knight. It’s been a year and a half since I last tasted refined sugar or the food products that contain refined sugar. And why I did this is simple, I wanted to feel better than where I was. My digestion improved, my stomaches are gone, I don’t get angry at stupid things no more, my stamina has increased, my body weight is in control, my depression is under control and I don’t crave for sugar no more. I have forgotten the taste of cakes, chocolates, toffees, candies, ice cream etc. etc. It was really hard for me to quit sugar (no I don’t have diabetes) but I did it and will continue to do so as long as there are grains, fruits and vegetables available on this planet. I don’t watch porn (used to some 3 and a half years ago until I started to fall head over heels for a mentally unstable woman). In a couple of years I will reach my mid thirties and still today I stand a virgin man. Haha funny isn’t it? But it’s true I ain’t ashamed of my virginity. Haha. Anyway Dr, Tara 3 years ago she broke me completely and now I thank her for showing me what I really wanted from my life. Her hate led me to a spiritual journey, I’m not that religious (though born a Hindu) but I became spiritual to the core of my heart. I started asking questions to myself that why is it that we are born in an enviornment we hate the most? What’s the reason for all this suffering? Why are people so mean to me? Why do I get attracted towards people who always harass me? Why am I still single? Why am I still virgin? Why don’t I have freinds? Why am I an introvert? a loner, etc. I went from the writings of Wallace D. Wattles to Dr. Joseph Murphy, from Actualized.org to Abrahamhicks.com, Dr. Wayne Dyer and at last I came to Neville Goddard. Of all of these spiritual teachers I found that the writings of Neville Goddard to be the most honest and true. There are a lot of free stuff availabe online both audio and in book form. For eg. Youtube is filled with Neville’s audio recordings. Dr. Tara I don’t believe that God created this world to punish mankind for if God judges everything then sure he is just another human being with some supernatural powers. Neville says in his teachings that the only God we can actually see and feel is our own human imagination. Everything we see outside of ourselves, the clothes we wear to the furniture we use, toothbrush, buildings, even countries, rules, rights, constitution, religious books etc. anything we feel, see, touch, made by human hands was part of someone’s imagination first. The seed called imagination took form into a sapling then into a plant and then into a tree (forgive me for my bad English as I’m not that Shakespeare like you 😀 ). Everything we see on the outside is a reflection of self only. The mood in me reflects the mood outside of me. So if I say she hurt me and it’s all her fault then I am totally wrong, but if I say It was me who gave her the chance of hurting me and I am responsible for all that happened then I am hundred per cent right about it. Actually Dr. Tara we as codependents don’t really know what we want for ourselves and we let others decide for us what we should do or what is right for us. It is when we get badly hurt and there’s no one who can help us except ourselves that we realise our true powers within. We all are Gods of our own realities Dr. Tara and nothing comes into our experience without our knowledge of it. Hard to believe, still it is for me but I keep on practising again and again until I get peace and aligned with my true self. Just like Neville said in one of his famous lectures ‘Live in the End’. Whatever you want to achieve or have just live in the end, what would the feeling be like when you were what you really wanted to be or where you wanted to be, just live it in your imagination and you will create it in your reality. Anyway Dr. Tara I didn’t like one thing in your post, it felt really bad to me, why did you write this line about you being f******* and all those shit things?? you don’t need to go that low Dr. Tara, you’ve got an image of a strong educated professional woman, don’t make us men feel miserable by writing these kind of shitty things. I respect you a lot, though I’m sitting on the other side of this planet. and I don’t want Dr. Tara Palmatier to be a weak person who when gets emotional writes down her deepest secrets online so that strangers can read and laugh. You are not that kind of a person, you are way better than that. Don’t fall from your level. I mean at some places it felt like some heavily drunk person wrote some awful things about himself. If you ain’t strong enough then where else would weak men like me go??? Dr. Tara past is past, you don’t need to bring the dead to life, you’ve got your own qualities, you are such a great writer, write books on your own, about your experiences with your clients, about the work you do and everything you love. That’s it for now, Thank you so much Dr. Tara for sharing this beautiful (but a bit shitty) post. God Bless You and have A Beautiful Day. 🙂 (I’m powerless to change your world
I’m powerless to stop the hurt
But I’ll give you my heart
Give you my shoulder
I give you my heart
Give you my shoulder
Over and over…Heather Nova, Heart and Shoulder)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nsRfMkN7X9w
Thanks for the concern, but at this point in my life I don’t care what people I don’t know think about me.
Thanks for the reply. In the end everything will always work out well, Dr. Tara. God Bless You Iron Lady. 🙂
Does my wife have BPD or NPD? I don’t know. Am I the victim of an abusive relationship? Yes.
I’d love your help Tara, your insight / advice based on what I’ve gone through over the last 7 months.
My wife is deep down a great girl, caring, loving. Just don’t see much of that anymore (or it was a mask that she put on at the start)
Trauma in the family with her dad being very ill, we had a baby 9 months ago who arrived pre-mature, she’s not managed will not working whilst on maternity leave, we’ve found our flat too small to live in and have had 2 or 3 months of hell finding a new place and moving etc.
In the process the relationship has broke down, she’s hit me, regularly insults me, devalues me. The hitting is limited, it tends to be when I push her buttons, I often think I should be smarter and leave her when she’s getting angry – but that would mean me perpetually giving in to her…
Her parents / aunty / friends see it. Her brother blindly supports her (flying monkey?) because he’s only ever heard her versions. In fact he responded to one of my text messages ‘I know what my sister has said and that is all that is important to me’.
I’ve been toying with whether or not it’s mental illness, first I thought it was post natal depression.
But more and more things point to a personality disorder:
– Love Bombing ‘I love you so much, if I loved you any more I’d explode’ – that was at the start
– Rage (she cannot control her temper)
– Parental Alienation (is it possible she’s trying to eliminate me, the father of our son?)
– Control. She’s highly controlling and always has been.
– Can’t regulate emotion. It’s the best thing in the world or the worst. Monday Night (10th July) she loves me so much, please don’t ever abandon me… (Abandon – red flag there too) then wednesday – wants a divorce.
– She shows no empathy to me, her dad or her mum (closest 3). She shows empathy and care in all other areas of life and with my son she is fantastic, an exceptional mother (I know that sounds odd in relation to the rest of the things that I have written)
– She threatens suicide
From what I’m understanding I’ve done wrong:
– Didn’t help as much as I should have done initially with the baby
– I persue her when we argue (distance /persuer dynamic) and that persuing is a fatal error
– I’ve got a temper like anybody. When I’m hungry / tired / hot I can be short tempered
Accusations of what I’ve done / I am:
– I’m manipulative
– I’m controlling
– I don’t love anybody
– I’m selfish
– I’m useless (this is a new one) All career success and lifetime achievements are pure luck. I’m a useless human being that just got lucky.
Problem is, she can’t batter me down. I’ve always had a good level of self-esteem and I’ve never been at all depressive. Until possibly now! Since wednesday I have questioned everything.
I know I should go – I think I’ve reached the point of no return. But I don’t want to, I love her. Or am I just caught in the clutches of her manipulations?
She loses her temper at the drop of a hat. Argues and ruins days / weekends over nothing.
I bang the drum over and over:
‘ We’re married, can you please stop arguing and causing conflict over nothing. We should be on the same team, your’e my wife, I only have one! I want us to care for each other, support each other, love each other’
It’s literally like speaking to a brick wall. In fact every time I say that it sends her into some form of a rage!
I don’t know if she has a personality disorder. I suspect so because so much correlates with what you write.
Also, I don’t want to leave my wife when she’s going through hell. Before the baby we argued yes. But it was manageable. Maybe once every 15 – 20 days. But now, I walk on eggshells. I’m fearful for my own long term wellbeing and that of my son.
Any help greatly appreciated 😀
** I do see some of her good side at times. She’s also a brilliant mum, which is not an act. She does have some very good qualities too that I haven’t mentioned above, she can be caring and kind with a big heart. But that was more a thing of the past and manifests itself less and less. She adores our baby and our dog, I don’t want to paint her just negatively because she has a lot of good aspects too **
I hope this much is accurate, for the child’s sake. In my experience, the children of abusive personalities are not exempt from their abuse, particularly as they mature and develop their own thoughts, feelings, likes and dislikes and stop being adoring little mirrors.
As for the dog, even Hitler was kind to his German shepherds.
Yeah I have to be fair and she’s an amazing mum.
On my main post, would you say it fits the bill for personality disorder? Or just somebody going through a very bad time and that doesn’t know how to control their emotions / grief etc.
And the physical abuse is always with warning, I definitely persue her in the conflict / argument before it ever happens.
Many thanks 🙂
IMO it is less important WHY she abuses you, than it is that she is abusing you, period. No one is obligated to stay in a relationship and keep being abused while they figure out why it is happening. If I’m reading you correctly, you want to figure out why because you want to know if her behavior is more or less permanent (PD) or just a passing phase (depression).
But again I go back to … why does it matter, from the standpoint of your obligation to yourself? You are the one with the most responsibility for keeping yourself out of abusive situations and relationships. Nobody can choose this for you. Would you counsel a friend who’s being abused by their SO to “maybe you should hang in there in the event the abuse turns out to be just a phase they’re going through”? I think we would all counsel our friends to get themselves to safety. Until that is done, nothing can be evaluated in a proper light. The abuse will always be messing up the mind and emotions of the person being abused.
I just don’t want to bail out on her at her hour of need. Dads illness, young baby, she’s not coping well. It’s definitely messing my mind up, I’m a wreck. I’m just hopeful it will / could get better.
Hex, get counseling-for yourself. So you can figure out the healthy way to extricate yourself in a responsible (to your child) manner. It messes kids up (yes, even babies!!) when there is violence in the home. In the US, Children’s Services can put your child in foster care if someone calls the police if they see her hit you. It’s called “unsafe home environment” for a reason!
Your lady friend needs counseling too-if she wants her baby to have a good home life. You say she is a good mother. It’s only fair to the baby that you both get some outside help. ASAP
Sorry, that was to north.
Sorry, reply was to north
Are there instances where co-dependents in abusive relationships become abusers of others?
I know a non-BPDp in a relationship with a BPDp can pick up some of the crazy behavior of the BPDp … but does this behavior include abusive rage episodes?
I’ve gone no contact with a friend of long standing because of this. I’ve known this guy for nearly 20 years. He’s textbook co-dependent personality, married for a long time to a woman who exhibits a lot of BPD traits. Friend has developed a serious drinking problem, I suspect. What he unleashed on me was IMO alcohol-induced rage. Not that the “why” matters. The verbal & emotional abuse was appalling and inexcusable. What has me scratching my head is that the abusive rage is not typical of the person I’ve known for decades. I have literally never seen him act this way until just recently. What changed?
north69 wrote –
I just don’t want to bail out on her at her hour of need.
Oh boy. Many, many versions of this statement have been written in the comments of this blog. You are not the first, nor will you be the last.
I’m not often the voice of sanity in the room, but when it comes to abuse, yeah, I believe my thinking is pretty clear-headed. I don’t tolerate abuse. I consider it a deal-breaker. Once a friend or beloved has gone nuclear on me with that kind of treatment, I have no obligations towards them — zip, zilch, zero, nada — to hang around for more.
The words you choose in your statement are indicative of messed-up thinking IMO.
“bail out” Huh? Since when does exiting a situation where you are getting abused constitute abandonment of the other person, your abuser? Nope. NOT to leave the abusive environment would constitute abandonment of yourself.
“her hour of need” Yes, let’s talk about what she needs. She needs to heal. Whatever is driving her to abuse you, she will only stop when she heals. And the only person who can choose her healing, is her. Not you. What steps is she taking to change her behavior and self-regulate her emotions? Is she honest about her own role in what’s wrong with your relationship? Is she demonstrating a desire and commitment to change herself? If she’s doing none of these, or if she’s only paying lip service to getting help for herself, then guess what, she’s NOT going to change. Not anytime soon, at any rate.
The people in her life who are not holding her accountable for her actions are enabling her. That’s more incentive for her to keep doing what she’s doing & not change.
That’s the perverse result of a co-dependent hanging around and taking it, again and again and again and again. The co-dependent thinks, “She needs me.” No, she needs to get better. The presence of a human crutch in the form of a co-dependent SO or family member is precisely what inhibits her from having to face the truth about herself, and choosing to get better.
Healing is painful, scary, and hard work. Many people have to bottom out before they choose it.
This piece is especially timely for me as I continue to feel guilty for walking away after almost a full year of no-contact with what I believe is a Cluster B afflicted ex girlfriend. The whole idea that has been instilled in me for a lifetime is that “men don’t walk out on women”.
My story is not especially unique, however, I do think that I learned a long time ago about Cluster B dysfunction, but didn’t have the access to the information now available online to anyone who can google search words describing their experience with abusive partners.
In my mid-20’s I entered into a live-in partnership with a girl that displayed many of the signs of NPD, BPD, or Psychopathy. Neglected by parents during her up-bringing, entitled mentality, early love bombing, future faking, triangulation, gaslighting, infidelity (resulting in my experiencing several UTI’s) and a general refusal to be accountable for abusive behavior. All that said, she was a princess and her family was VERY influential in US politics so I hung in there anyway and ended up moving to LA with her to allow her to pursue continuing employment with a company seeking to transfer her (my job at the time had an LA office and accomodated my request to re-locate).
Soon after the move west, I required regular travel, leaving the princess all alone, which she remedied by finding a new lover at her workplace.
Commence the devalue and discard, which was so amazingly brutal that I could not imaging someone behaving so cruelly. To make matters worse, I was diagnosed with non-hodgkins lymphoma at the same time. My world was crashing and the response to my crises was more cruelty and ultimately the discard. I came back east, jumped into cancer treatment and began the re-build. Fortunately my employer was compassionate and worked with me in my reduced capacity for travel while in treatment. I went no contact for what was the most difficult year of my life. One day about a year later, I was given a clean bill if health, my hair grew back following cessation of chemo, and the fog lifted. I was finally glad to have her out of my life and happy looking ahead at what life might bring.
After several years and after her marrying and divorcing the guy she moved in to what was our apartment in LA, she tried to re-connect. I spoke with her and fended off advances to re-kindle a relationship. She went through several more relationships (with men and women) and ultimately ended up in rehab for alcoholism. She continues to try to communicate with me (and all of her exes) and I humor her knowing that she will never again mean anything more to me than a punchline.
Cut to 26 years later to 2016. I met a lady after being single for almost a year (I had several relatinships since the “princess” but kept them less than serious and continued living alone) and jumped in with both feet. After an initial date and some in-depth conversations about life, goals, values, our respective up-bringing(s) it appeared to me that a strong connection was in the making. Almost immediately, however, she was flaking on commitments she made and her “mirroring” was recognize-able enough to elicit gut feelings of discomfort in me.
I hit her head on with the flaking on commitments explaining that the dis-respect was not acceptable. She responded rationally to my complaints initially, saying that she did not want to exhibit disrespectful behavior, nonetheless the flaking continued, she continued to come up with good excuses that sounded rational, but I continued to express disappointment in her lack of follow through and dis-respect.
I was seeing that her behavior was off, but I continued wanting to believe her words. Danger!! From there triangulation began with me being between her few friends (minions). About 6 months in the sex stopped, and the rages began when I asked why and expressed disappointment . During this time she insisted I meet her kids and immediately establish relationships with them. I noticed right away that her kids had strange energy around her, and one of her sons explicitly suggested that I be “careful” with advancing further in a relationship with “mom”. How’s that for a red flag?
I agreed to join her on a vacation she planned last Summer for a bike tour that included long distance cycling and camping (commune style with 1000’s of others). At this point I had serious questions about her, her behavior, and continuing in the relationship. I explained that the lack of intimacy was going to be a “deal killer” if it wasn’t remedied. She agreed to “give it serious thought”. I let it go for the time being and we agreed to try to make the trip an enjoyable one.
Almost immediately during the cycling vacation, trianguation with other men commenced. Not being a jealous type, I let it go, and began socializing with others as well. Her response, when seeing this was to immediately circle and “protect her turf”. Subsequently she would wander off, and I would ultimately find her in the company of another new guy (or guys). We had a chance to ditch the camping for 2 nights in a hotel, which I thought might lend an opportunity to be intimate. Nothing doing. On the way to the hotel she triangulated with another single guy and proceeded to get drunk with him while I was showering after biking for 70 miles that day. I called her on it, and in her drunkeness she commenced with a round of shit testing, and general passive aggressive tones for the remainder of the evening. Once back in the room she passed out and snored so loud all night that I couldn’t sleep at all.
That was my breaking point. At 6 am the next morning on the way back to retrieve our bicycles to ride another 70 miles, I booked a flight out of the nearest airport for that afternoon. At that point all of her behavior reminded me so clearly of my experiences 26 years earlier, that I just knew it would never get better and that it was time to “ditch”. We sat in separate seats on a bus from the hotel back to the camp site where the cycles were stored so she was unaware that I was booking my departure flight (there was still over 250 miles and4 days of biking left in the trip). When we got off the bus her behavior was as if nothing had happened the night before. Further interesting is that when I told her I was leaving that day, her only response was to ask how I arranged it, and to smirk when I told her I booked the flight that morning. Everything fell into place for my escape from the trip and a ride was arranged to the airport seamlessly. While waiting to board the flight she texted a message about meeting her back home – ie “just come by anytime” and “safe travels” with smiley face imogies. I simply wished her “good luck” knowing that I was going no-contact.
The year of no-contact has been very tough (knowing that she faked me out with her early relationship fraud), however, I am happy that I had the experience earlier in my life and saw similar signs of dysfunction telling me to get out. That said I am still feeling guilty for the “walking out” part. I think I am finally learning to forgive myself for it and, I know getting out was right regardless of how it was executed.
Since ditching her I have doubled-down on gym time and focus on career resulting in what will be a record year of income and professional achievement. I leave for Europe next month being fitter than I have ever been and financially independent in a beautiful waterfront home that I own outright. I know I am lucky to be where I am, but absolutely appreciate the insight of your writings to be OK with taking care of myself first
For all those guys struggling with no-contact, stay strong. The fog will clear and the experience will leave you better prepared to “get out fast” if another crazy bit&^ finds their way into your life.
This web site was instrumental in my realizing what I was dealing with: 13 Signs You’re Dealing With A Narcissist or Borderline Personality Disorder. (The best friend referred me [see below] to it and the ex was a near-perfect match.) 32 year marriage (Dec, 1980). Six weeks later was told, “You just don’t turn me on,” but before long a baby was on the way. By summer ’81 the screaming at me started and I’m occasionally hit. We moved overseas repeatedly for my career (Fed gov), and much of life was better: more money, paid housing, good life. But by 1986 it was separate bedrooms and beginning of “separation in the same house.” Continuously walking on eggshells…or landmines as Dr. Tara put it. EVERYTHING was my fault. Increasingly zomboid to keep the peace at home. Started using humor to defuse my growing loneliness and desperation: “She’d blame me for bad weather if she could.” “I’m just a scapegoat with a paycheck.” “My only hope for happiness is to outlive her.” The last statement, combined with a visit for our lifetime best friend was when I started to open my eyes. During a visit to our Caribbean posting, our best friend – my ex’s best girlfriend to whom my ex introduced me back in ’76, a week after we started dating – told me privately: “You MUST SAVE YOURSELF and get away from this woman!” A few more years, more screaming, occasional hitting, telling me NO ONE liked me…that I was just tolerated because the friends liked HER and I came with the package. She wanted everyone else to think of me as SHE thought of me (learned later they didn’t buy it.) Overheard her telling her mother she wanted “absolutely nothing to do with him.” She investigated buying a US condo on her own, etc. Saw she was checking community property laws in various states we could claim residency in. She had one lame, nonsensical excuse after another for those, and other actions, when we saw a marriage counselor. The counselor eventually said, “Why aren’t you two ALREADY divorced!?!” Finally, when she was back in the US and I remained overseas, one of our pets was, per the local vet, about to become diabetic and I relayed this info to her over the phone, where she had our other pet, a little dog, with her. I pointed out that the vet had such and such as a dietary recommendation and that she should check the ingredients of the dog food to ensure the same didn’t happen to it. That led to a screaming session about how I was accusing her of not knowing how to take care of her dog! That I thought I knew everything about everything! I finally broke and said, “Do you realize you’re screaming at me about a dog food label!!?? I’ve had enough. I want a divorce.” Little did I know she’d secretly hired her own lawyer in the US a couple of months earlier. A very stressful 18 months followed, complete with her lying on the witness stand at the Florida jurisdiction hearing about how she had “no idea” how she became registered to vote in Florida, voted in two presidential elections there, or how she got her STILL-VALID Florida drivers’ license renewed only three months before serving me with Virginia papers. Divorce final in Jun, 2013. Reconnected as all this was going on with a former girlfriend, whom I hadn’t seen since before my marriage, who was also escaping her own abusive marriage. We are very happy, in spite of it all.
After a year of studying my borderline wife’s “condition” I was finally able to break free. We were together for 7 years, much of which was a living hell. My children are now happier than they’ve been in a long time (we didn’t have kids together), I am reestablishing connections with friends and family, and the peace and calm are life-changing. It was a hard thing to do, yet for a reasonably intelligent, educated man, I can’t understand why. I want to thank you, Dr. P, for getting this information out, particularly for men, since the establishment had pretty much decided I was just a dick and the problem. Now my healing begins. One month of no contact, and I see a light at the end of the tunnel that isn’t a train.
This is wonderful to read. I’m happy for you and your children.
No Contact works. It gives you the necessary space and time for your head to clear and healing to begin. Good to know the light at the end of the tunnel isn’t the BPD Express!
And… wow. That’s a lot of crazy all in one place.
We walk thru life sort of thinking “I met this person, and they look human, so they probably fit with
my expectation of rational, normal, compassionate behavior. We’re unsuspecting.
Tragically, many do not comport with rational, normal, compassionate behavior and they take
extreme advantage of our good graces and willingness to make allowances for their compromising
social history. They, more or less, ask for a “time out” much like kids playing hide-and-seek when they
want to step out of the rules of the game. But life is not a game, it runs in real time. And there
are precious few “time outs”, earned only over time. For eg, if your loving wife/brother/etc gets
a serious illness and cannot work, you likely choose to be supportive. You grant them a “time out”
from the rules of life.
Crazy people want “time outs” all of the time. They don’t want to obey the rules of honesty, openness,
integrity, or good will. And they walk the thin line between discernible exploitive/abusive behavior and
somewhat normal behavior, often making it difficult to just nail them down.
“You can’t get better while swallowing poison everyday. ” So true. Yet, the poison often comes with a
spoonful of sugar we’ve all been really needing in our life.
I am hiding upstairs from my wife right now. I needed love so badly after my first divorce and she gave it toe only tobtake it away after she knew i was hooked. No matter because it wasn’t real anyway was it?
I just kept hoping that the sugar would come back but the poison kept coming. I am hoping that rock bottom will come soon because i am so scared i might be so broken that ill never get away.
Im not an idiot but i cant believe how I rationalise and excuse her poisoning me. I think even if she was literally poisoning me that I would stay. I am such a fool.
I see why going no contact is difficult. For me it’s to get the right Lawyer to end the relationship and not worry about any revenge tactics. My narc wife must suspect that she is messing up because she is trying everything to hold on to this relationship. Last year she treated me like absolute s***, but now (she still does really) uses better tone and tries to convince me that she wants to spend time with me.
Funny thing she pawned her ring, I’m just wondering if I can use that in court?
Dr T
I am struggling right now. I don’t know which way to turn or which path to go down. My indecision is making me ill and weak. It is destroying the life I do have and stopping me from gaining the life I could have. I have become a hag ridden, soulless husk of a man. Incapable of finding peace and unable to find any joy in life.
I learned about the red pill or undertook a reality check if you will while married for the second time. My first marriage had ended badly but I was so confused about why and was already under the spell quite literally of another woman and so jumped out of one frying pan into another that turned out to be much hotter and not in a good way.
Yes there was passion initially but I found after she had moved in with me that she was a lazy lying woman who proceeded to financially abuse me for many years. If I am honest she still does though to a much lesser extent. In any case, I fell in love with her and thought that as she was the exact opposite of my first wife that she would make a good replacement. She was receptive sexually and after three years of knockbacks I was very thirsty (I believe the term is) and before I knew it she was living with me and we were looking at a life together. She was not such a great stepmother but I figured it would improve (It didn’t). So we were married and we planned and she became pregnant. She then advised me she had lost her partnership in a law firm and owed some forty thousand pounds of credit card and store card debt. I tried fo help her and keep it a secret from her parents at her request. This went in for nine long years. It pushed me to the brink of bankruptcy and I regularly had nothing after working a forty hour week. I was miserable so much of the time and when I was locked in she trapped me by continually spending every penny we had so I couldn’t leave. I attempted suicide but was able to stop myself because I couldn’t bear to be a failure to my children and leave them to here care. That’s all that stopped me from becoming a stain o. The pavement. I am not overstating this. So she came into some money from her parents dieing after ten years and she repaid all the remaining debts off in her name as well as what was owing only in my name that I had borrowed to keep her from bankruptcy. We bought a larger house together. This was on the condition that things change.
So they didn’t and I have become ill again. At times mentally and at other times physically. At the moment I am having my usual gastric issues and not sleeping well so I am tired and have no energy. I cannot think properly and I am terrified of the position I find myself in. I am also paralysed with fear at the prospect of divorce. I keep flipping between trying to make things right and looking at information on divorce.
I have said that I want a divorce now twice during arguments and I cannot decide from day to day whether I want to try to make it work. Stay for the kids or divorce. I am under such stress just getting through a day that I cannot make up my mind.
I dont want to be a failure.
I dont want to lose my child.
I dont want to hurt my child.
I dont know if I love my wife anymore or even if she ever loved me.
I dont want to destroy whats left of my life with a mistake or have her destroy me.
I have literally nobody to support me in the real world if I screw all of this up.
I have maybe two people I can talk to but we just go around and around.
I need an answer and I know it must come from me but my mind is like a tornado and I cannot think. Its easy to think of this like I was advising a friend and say leave, but as with everything its not that simple.
Can you advise me where to start? I am not a bad man. I struggle to do the right thing everyday. My job requires that I make no errors and my mentallity is geared towards a striving for perfection and to never be wrong. I feel so trapped by this need and my upbringing by my mother in a home she broke herself. I feel like I am drowning. I know the situation must be fixed or end in divorce. I am not a fool. I like to think I am not a coward but this situation is the scariest place I have ever been and I have had some unfortunate things happen to me.
Please help.
Wow, did this article nail my wife exactly. I could not keep in touch with my friends because either I “wanted to have sex with them” or ” it took away too much time from the family”. I could not talk to anyone else because no one could know that we had problems. Sex was just “get it done and over with”. We could always find time for her family but not for mine. She controlled our money (we slept on $200 pillows and our kitchen trash can cost $300). Every time I tried to talk, it became a competition of who was more tired or hurting. She got hurt and I had to run our restaurant all by myself for 16 months. She did not care as long as she had her Facebook, computer games, and Fox News (and money to spend). She even told everyone that she was retired and had our business cards changed to only my name on them. When I found someone who I could talk to, she hit the roof (her first question when she found out was not what were we doing or how old is she but “what color is she?”). She filed for a divorce and has controlled everything since then. My daughter even told her that she was going with me. I told my daughter that this would get worse but, after that, we would be away from it (she cried and hugged me). I have been dealing with this by writing open verse poetry. I started my own FB page to post them but have not ‘published it yet because many are about her which my lawyer told me not to do on social media. Watch for a FB page called ‘Poetry, Prose, and Song’ coming in the next few months.
And thank you for this article and this site.
I also forgot to say that she accused me of giving her Chlamydia and two other VDs (she tested positive). I tested negative for everything.