Recently, a Shrink4Men Forum member shared an article link that had been making the rounds on social media. Ordinarily, I make fun of the use of Trigger Warnings. That being said, I feel obligated to issue both a Trigger Warning and a Ridiculous Nonsense Warning as many of my readers, both men and women, are or have been victims of narcissists, borderlines, histrionics, psychopaths, sociopaths and other abusive and predatory personality types. Therefore, consider yourselves warned:
How to Love a Woman Who Has Been to Hell and Back by Kathy Parker.
Where to begin?
This article could easily be titled, How to Allow Yourself to Be Abused by a Female Narcissist, Borderline or Psychopath and Like It! And If You Don’t Like It, You’re a Heartless, Selfish Jerk! The behaviors of the “hell and back woman” are classic examples of abuse commonly perpetrated by Cluster B personality disordered individuals.
These personality traits, attitudes and behaviors don’t magically become acceptable, forgivable, excusable, admirable or noble when embodied in a woman. They’re evidence of severe characterological pathology whether the individual in question is a woman or a man. It’s nothing to be normalized and romanticized, which is what the author does. The author is normalizing and romanticizing abuse when perpetrated by personality disordered women.
And what does the author advise her readers to do when abused by “a woman who has been to hell and back?” She encourages us to “love her harder.”
First, Love Her Harder sounds like a low budget porno. Second, loving your abuser “harder” makes you an emotional and sometimes physical doormat/punching bag that results in ever increasing and escalating abuse. The phenomena described in How to Love a Woman Who Has Been to Hell and Back are examples of what abuse victims experience during the Devaluation and Discard stages of relationships with narcissists, borderlines and psychopaths.
Abusers don’t respect and appreciate their victims’ willingness to tolerate abuse. Taking abuse doesn’t cause your abuser to realize, “Wow. My boyfriend or girlfriend is such a good person. I should be more appreciative and kinder to him/her after I test him/her with more abuse to see how much he/she loves me.”
It just doesn’t work like that. The more willing and complicit a victim you become, the more your abuser’s contempt for you grows. Abusive personalities see virtues such as kindness and patience as weaknesses to exploit, not admirable qualities to emulate.
Ms. Parker encourages readers to tolerate a clearly disordered woman’s unending abuse to prove your love for her. That advice is, in and of itself, effing crazy not to mention dangerous. If “a woman who has been to hell and back” makes false allegations of domestic violence or child molestation against you, are you supposed to be understanding and sympathetic of that, too?
Of course not! You protect yourself from that kind of dangerous wingnut. You don’t say, “Thank you, madame, may I have another? I understand all your ex partners were big meanies who didn’t like the way you treated them either. It’s okay. I’ll stay with you even if you have me falsely arrested, get me fired, lie to me and smear me to my friends and family because you’ve been to hell and back”
In the article, the author throws down the gauntlet, “Are you strong enough to be abused by an abusive woman and wear it as a badge of honor?” If you’re not willing to take it and like it, the shame is implicit. Reading the article, I wondered if the author would instruct her audience to “love harder” when being abused by “a man who has been to hell and back.”
To be fair, the author doesn’t specifically call men out (reread it — she doesn’t use gender pronouns). But it’s easy, perhaps erroneously, to assume men are being told to “man up” in the face of a woman’s abuse. At least that’s what I read between the lines. While my practice and website is Shrink4Men, I also work with women who are victims of narcissistic, borderline and sociopathic abusers. Many of these women are in lesbian relationships. I instruct my clients, male or female, uniformly.
Abuse is wrong. Abuse is not love. Tolerating abuse is not love, nor is it a measure of love, patience or any other virtue. Confusing abuse for love and a willingness to tolerate it is often an indicator that you grew up in a family with an abusive parent and a codependent parent. You’re not a bad, selfish or mean person for wanting to be treated with the same respect, kindness and consideration you show others.
You’re not being unreasonable to expect another adult to hold her- or himself accountable, take responsibility for her or his choices and behaviors and to behave with basic decency and integrity. You’re not selfish or wrong to have healthy enforceable boundaries. And ending a relationship with an abuser, female or male, is nothing to feel guilty about — it’s the sensible and healthy choice.
Narcissists, borderlines and psychopaths are broken people. Codependents are broken people, too, but there are some fundamental differences. Broken people who aren’t characterologically disordered don’t use “being broken” (or “having been to hell and back”) as an excuse or justification to hurt others. They don’t revel in their brokenness and demand that others love them no matter how deplorably or irrationally they behave.
You can’t fix anyone else, nor is it your responsibility to do so. And that’s a good litmus test for whether a person has been hurt or is hopelessly disordered. Does the person take responsibility for their behaviors and choices, or do they expect others to enable them and put up with their toxic behavior?
Counseling, Consulting and Coaching with Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD
Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD provides services to help individuals work through their relationship issues via telephone or Skype, particularly men and women who trying to break free of an abusive relationship, cope with the stress of an abusive relationship or heal from an abusive relationship. She combines practical advice, support, reality testing and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Schedule a Session page for professional inquiries.
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al amir says
Thank you for writing this article Dr T. I couldn’t read entire Kathy’s article because I don’t have strong enough stomach for such bs (“When she wants to hurt you, love her harder.”) but I think it’s obviously about a borderline, probably written by a borderline herself. She suggests that strong and mature person will put up with abuse, however, the opposite is true. Healthy person will leave at the first sight of it.
Honestly, I’m sick and tired of reading how borderlines and narcissists have been to hell and back. Not all of them have been abused in childhood and most haven’t been abused as an adult, the truth is they abuse others and make them do the hard work for them. It’s their victims who are living life in a living hell. Even though emotionally sunned, abusers function relatively well in life, unlike their victims who often end up traumatized so severely that they cannot live and function normally again.
Those who have truly been to hell and back are not abusers. They’ve gained wisdom and deeper understandings of life. They become more humble and mature. I would like to read an article by Dr T on how to love a person who had really difficult life experiences, been through abuse for example.
Dr Tara Palmatier says
You’re welcome, al amir, and thank you.
You’ve got it right. Healthy people who respect and love themselves don’t tolerate abuse, at least not for very long.
ProgrammingDad says
Ohmygosh, *this*
If someone presents loving them as come sort of epic challenge of your manhood and capacity to love, *RUN* in the other direction. Leave skidmarks.
Yes, “relationships are work.” But they are also supposed to be fun and supportive and enjoyable.
Dr Tara Palmatier says
There’s work and then there’s Sisyphus forever pushing a boulder uphill that rolls back down and flattens him for eternity. No thanks.
itzasekret says
Strong sauce… and timely. Evasiveness is a kind of abuse… it’s dishonesty. And patience for it likely compounds the injury.
Greg says
I am coming out of a 25 year marriage and I guess I lived this article. And it all started on our honeymoon. We did not have one argument in our year of dating but things changed once we were married I was very committed to the marriage and always believed that the trying harder, loving unconditionally would win out. At some point the healing would come. But it never came. I did not know anything about narcissist or histrionic but always knew my wife’s very difficult childhood years had deeply affected her. But she could never be happy with anything, always wanted more and turned it all back on me for not meeting her needs. Dr. T, I have read your book and it is one big highlight. Your book started my enlightenment. Thank you! The try harder may be great for extending the marriage, but now understand that it never changes. Loving this type of women will wear you down to a nub and if when you wear down and can’t try harder anymore, she will discard you and blame it all on you. And its debilitating to say the least. Mine determined that I had Aspergers and she had Cassandra syndrome and my lack of ability to meet her needs and have emotional connection with her was literally killing her and that she needed to get out of the marriage to save her live. So she divorced me and moved to a different state looking for new supply I guess. Its like she stabbed me a 1000 times and acted like she was the one that was bleeding. That’s what happened to me. I’m sure there is a line out there somewhere where the “try harder” can make a difference, but it didn’t work for me. I was part of a guys group and we had so many prayer sessions for me to have the strength to try harder. I would recommit to the marriage weekly. Go home and try and be the husband she needed but all I ever got back was “I need more”. It was a constant battle to fight the failure feelings and it did get the best of me at some point. And when I spiraled down, there was no empathy for me, all I got was kicked to the side of the road right under the bus. Its been a year and its still hard for me to believe our entire marriage was a sham. Although I understand more, its still hard to fully accept it. Thanks for all you do! I am doing better and happy to be free of it but then not sure I will ever be free of it.
Ducati_FOG says
I’ve been married to a BPD for 4+ yrs (together for about 5 yrs), and it’s been 3 yrs since I first stumbled across Dr. Palmatier’s tremendously helpful work; and since first learning of my wife’s “borderline personality disorder,” it’s only gotten worse… much worse (as you all know). All of the red flags were there in the beginning, but I ignored them (for many common, stupid reasons). But here I am now, and I have felt like dying just about every day since April 5th. Why that date? Because my BPD wife accused me of a horrific crime against my own precious daughter. I still can NOT believe she accused me and maintains her false narrative to this very day (despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary).
Because I am a military member, my horrific BPD leveraged the intensely intrusive and bureaucratic authority of my commander against me. I just arrived here at the DoD HQs at the beginning of the year; so, I no one really knows me (beyond making a great first impression). And within 90 days of arrival, the new guy gets accused of a horrific crime. How am I treated? I was immediately kicked out of my home. My BPD wife immediately stole $17,000 from me. My reputation (that I spent 27 yrs of my adult life to build) was destroyed. My ability to focus at my new job was destroyed. I had to live a colleague ONE HOUR south of my residence. I had to explain FOUR years of BPD abuse … to my Boss, a few colleagues, the “commander,” the First Sergeants… and my name got passed up chain to a few senior ranking DOD HQ Commanders (i.e. the ones that ultimately determine my promotability). The “commander” assigned to my “case,” although I never met her & will never actually “work” for her, immediately implemented a SIX MONTH “no contact order” (only because my BPD wife made an unsubstantiated claim… with ZERO evidence)! Did anyone listen to my defense? NOPE! But I am the active duty military member! I am the one that has deployed 3 times (started out with zero stripes on my sleeves), and I am the one that has nearly 2 decades of highly decorated (highly stratified) active duty military service.
So I haven’t seen my kids in 6+ weeks. Why? Because my “commander” decided I was guilty without any defense and in the midst of overwhelming evidence my BPD wife is a pathological liar.
Three years ago, unbelievably, after my BPD wife NO KIDDING accused me of “plotting to take her out” (4 weeks pregnant with my unborn daughter at the time), my BPD wife returned home (after a few weeks back “home” for military reserve duty), and guess what I found in her luggage? Yup, you guessed it! A letter from a prisoner!! Like you, I said Wiskey Tango Foxtrot (WTF)?!! In the letter, the “prisoner” told my BPD wife that she “never” listens to him; that she “always” overthinks things; that I am as bad – or worse – than the men he’s in prison with; that he STILL needs her help with next month’s first time parole hearing… if she’s STILL willing to help; and that he wants more pictures of her; and that he wants that “one” picture back of himself, so that he can give it to his mom. Yup…WTF?!!!!!!!!
So I asked my wife (Jan 2014) who the heck this guy is! Her reply (almost verbatim): “He’s nobody… just a friend… we go way back… and he was ‘falsely accused’ (so casually by the way)… & so what if he (i.e. the “prisoner”) ‘calls it like he sees it’ (in terms of his character assessment of me)!” Again WTF?!!!!!!!!!!!! Of course, I ask my BPD wife (right there in my home in Hawaii): “So exactly what is he in jail for, and how do you KNOW he’s ‘falsely accused'”?! My BPD wife replies: “Oh… ‘some girl’ false accused him of sexual assault, and the judge wouldn’t listen later as ‘the girl’ tried to recant…” Again, WTF?!!!!!!!!!
NOTE: Thank GOD I made hard and soft copies of the “prisoner letter” and the envelope with the time-date stamp. Otherwise, no one would believe me (especially now as my entire life, family & military career has been FUCKED)!
Long story made short: I moved out into a hotel until she packed her bags & got the fuck out! Despite being pregnant with my daughter (and this was so DAMN hard to do), I told her I don’t ever want to see her again! But of course, like every BPD, what did she do? She went back “home” (to live in her parent’s basement, instead of living in Paradise on the eastern edge of Oahu with her loving husband, pregnant with our first child) and continued to blow my phone up with text after text after phone call after phone call to accuse me of a) abandoning her & my unborn child and b) meeting other woman & committing adultery! OMG!! My FUCKING head was spinning… and she almost destroyed my career… UNTIL she made a surprise visit back to our home in Hawaii and begged me to meet her at our local church to speak with our Executive Pastor (who had previously been counseling us). Because I was aware my BPD wife just flew 3,000 miles from “home” to attempt to reconcile – FIVE MONTHS pregnant with our daughter – I agreed to meet with our pastor. I was so upset with my insane BPD wife, but I was heartbroken seeing my unborn child inside of her. She agreed to exactly as I requested with 3 requirements to reconcile, and she begged me to take her back and promised to overcome. What would you have done if you were me?
Of course (like you all know), the madness just continues – albeit less intensive, since she needs my supply – as a new mom with a newly born baby girl. During frequent arguments (otherwise known as gas lighting), I would attempt to leave (drive away, go check into a hotel overnight at the local military base), but my BPD wife would always hide my wallet (i.e. gotta have my military ID to get on base to get a $55/night hotel) and she’d hide my car keys. One night, my BPD wife stood in front of the front door holding our 3-4 month old daughter and hid my wallet and keys for 17 hours! And that’s just one of many many many awful experiences.
NOTE: can you believe I was in the midst of my 3rd grad school tour as well? And my military sponsored institution (very competitive selection) only gave me 3 years to complete my PhD (when the average time for the general population was 6 yrs)!
We decided to have a another child, so that my daughter would have a sibling, and I thought things would get better. Wow, am I stupid, right?
So here I am now. I got my wife the exact brand new $70,000 luxury SUV she wanted. I got my wife the exact townhouse she wanted in the exact upscale neighborhood she wanted. I got my wife the exact Macy’s furniture she wanted ($10,000 over all for all new household items). I got my wife the exact kitchen (with white cabinets) she wanted. I got her a super safe, family oriented, shopping accessible area to raise a blessed family, and what does she do? Late-Feb she physically assaults me (and I call the cops on her, 2nd time in one year), and five weeks later, she accuses me of the worst crime imaginable!
The GOOD news (as if there is any real “good” news, right?) is that CPS has already told me during a personal 30 minute phone call that I am indeed “innocent” (i.e. “no findings”). I heard all of my wife’s evidence, and OMG it is insane. Come to find out, my insane BPD wife had suspicions for the past year! AHHH!!!! Yet she left both kids with me for an entire 48 hours, while she was away the entire weekend for military reserve duty 3 hours away, and she subsequently texted me (and told others likewise) that I was such a “great Daddy bear… taking care of both kids so well.” WTF?!!!! Do ya think my current military “commander” has taken ANY of this into account? NOPE! My “no contact order” is still in place. Still haven’t seen my kids in 6+ weeks! And did I tell you my BPD wife has fled the state, flew back “home” with both of my kids 2,000 miles away, stole $17,000, took all 7 of my suitcases, stole my credit card & fraudulently charged $2,000, hacked into my iCloud account and erased my entire phone’s data (and the incriminating text messages), and rerouted all USPS mail to her “home”?! Now, I am just waiting for the official CPS letter to help exonerate me.
In the meantime, I hired an attorney, and spent $18,000 for about 30 days of legal “help.” That included telling my story, my attorney reading my emails, and my attorney drafting several pages to serve my insane BPD wife a summons and custody petition back “home.” Oh… and my insane BPD wife just served me divorce papers today. How did my wife follow up to her petition for divorce today? She sent me (and my first sergeants) a barrage of text messages maintaining her false accusation (demanding I take a lie detector test); and 2 hours later, I get a phone call from “no caller ID” and my daughter is on the other end of the line saying “Daddy! I love & miss you!”
If you are currently in a relationship with a BPD/NPD, GET THE FUCK OUT! IT WILL NOT GET BETTER. SHE WILL FUCKING DESTROY YOU (AFTER HAVING SEX WITH YOU, AND THEN 3 DAYS LATER FALSELY ACCUSE YOU OF A HORRIFIC CRIME) AND DESTROY EVERYTHING & EVERYONE AROUND YOU. WATCH (AND READ) TARA & PAUL’S YOUTUBE VIDEOS (BOOK) OF “SAY GOODBYE TO CRAZY.”
NOTE: this is the 5th serious accusation I’ve faced. So if you do the math, that’s an average of once per year.
Thank God for a wonderful network of support (especially my sister). I have survived 6+ weeks, and every day I still feel like dying. I love & adore my two precious children. Please pray I get custody of my kids, so that I can raise thoughtful, educated, mutually respectful, creative, contributing members of society.
Steve says
Oh my god!
Mine isn’t as bad by half but I see all the signs there. I just don’t think she has the imagination or the energy. I am not a believer but I will offer up a prayer for you. I see the gaslighting (I have PTSD from my (very short) service in HM Forces), I see the pushing away then the last minute begging for another chance. I am fortunate to have only 1 child with her but I feel your pain. Your wife is an evil person and I wish you peace and safety with your children as soon as possible. I can’t imagine it’s over yet but I will be thinking long and hard about this every time I get a chance to leave and I have her trying to turn me around. Mine is also never satisfied with what we have. I cannot tell you how many times I have gone the extra mile to give her what she wants to get a small thank you and then a day or so later it’s the next thing. I used to think it was a test but now I realise it’s just a constant and unending torture.
Stay strong. I get the feeling that you are a very good father. Thankfully the love of our children will get us through.
Highway says
My God, there must be some twisted mold that these women get punched out of, because I have been reading this and other sites, watching the videos, and reading books on BPD for a few years now and there is not one I cannot relate to. How is that? I mean, how can every single one be so alike in such a mean and dysfunctional way? I’ve been married to one for 10+ years that hits all of the criteria markers hard except for suicide threats and cutting. I’ve often wanted to comment before, but she is also an exceptional cyber stalker and I am pretty sure she reads these sites from time to time because I hear her use the lingo (splitting, projection, etc.), usually directed at me of course because we all know, we’re the problem. I half expect to go home finding her pointing at the computer, raving, and demanding to know if wrote this. So, it’s small victory just to do it. After consuming all of this material, I know I go for the high conflict types without realizing it. This one saw me coming from a mile away, knew my vulnerabilities and laid the perfect trap that I dove right in to. Gave every red flag too, but I was so mesmerized. Same story as everyone else. Not looking for any sympathy here, it’s all on me. If leaving were easy, I’d have done it.
fire in my belly says
So a personality disorder is often the result of a very rough childhood? The same could apply for alcoholism, drug abuse, hoarding and overeating. So if the person you love gets drunk give them more wine? If the person you love is in the gutter high on heroin, give them more? If a person you love is a hoarder give them money and a second garage? If they get so overwieght that they can’t get out of bed, keep bringing them whatever food they ask for?
And if abusing you gets them high, keep letting them do it. It will help them get better. Pretty soon you’ll be living in your own North Korea themed couples retreat.