To write this article, I did an internet search for the phrase, “Teaching boys about bad women.” The top results are links to content about “Why women like bad boys.” Next, I searched the phrase, “Teaching sons about bad women.” The top results are “Teaching your son to respect women” and “What appeals to women about bad boys.” “Teaching your son about relationships” yielded the post on The Frisky, which I discuss in the Shrink4Men article, 22 Things to Teach your Son about Women.
“Teaching boys about women” also didn’t yield any useful results. Then I searched “Teaching boys about domestic violence.” Again, the search yielded more results about teaching boys to respect women and the tired old rot about men are always the aggressors and women are always the victims.
This isn’t surprising. In the mid-1990s, I did my Masters-level internship at a domestic violence shelter for women and their children. I have fairly decent drawing and illustration skills, so one of the projects I worked on was a K-12 Domestic Violence education program.
I created drawings for a coloring book and poster boards for classroom presentations. Some of the images I created were of little girls hitting boys; the message being, “Hitting is wrong no matter who is doing the hitting.” The program wouldn’t use the illustrations of girls hitting boys with the justification, “Men are physically stronger than women.” Uh, not when they’re 5-years old and, by the way, physical size doesn’t matter as it pertains to domestic violence. Sadly, things haven’t changed much in the field since my exposure to it in 1995.
Obviously, there is a glaring double standard in our society regarding violence against women and violence against men. Dr Phil believes it’s abuse when a man hits a woman and that it’s a “relationship issue” when a woman hits a man. TV networks run “funny” ads in which men are kicked in the groin repeatedly and wives are portrayed as all-knowing sages who keep their imbecile husbands in check. Women who assault their male partners because they suspect infidelity, like Tiger Woods and Elin Nordegren, are lauded as heroes and publicly supported with statements such as, “He had it coming!” and “You go, girl!” Imagine the public outcry if the genders were reversed in these scenarios.
As I learned during my internship in 1995, domestic violence prevention school programs teach children that it’s wrong to hit a girl or a woman under any circumstances, but rarely, if ever, teach the same about hitting boys and men. Parents teach their daughters to be wary of boys and men who will take advantage of them sexually, control and/or abuse them. We teach little girls that there are bad men out there and they need to be careful. In fact, some women take it to the extreme and teach their girls and boys that all men are bad. I for one, believe this is a form of hate indoctrination and a form of child abuse.
Why don’t families provide the same cautions to their sons about abusive girls and women who will try to take advantage of them, control and abuse them?
Families need to teach their sons about the dangers of abusive women just like we teach our daughters about the dangers of abusive men. We need to teach our boys to respect themselves and develop healthy boundaries—even if it’s a woman who is violating them. We need to teach boys that it’s healthy and right to walk (or run) away from girls and women who are disrespectful, cruel, indifferent, demanding, controlling, demeaning, manipulative, opportunistic, possessive, jealous, emotionally dishonest, unempathic, abusive, crazy and/or predatory.
We need to teach our boys, just like we teach our girls, that it’s not okay for a loved one or anyone to lay their hands upon you in violence; that it’s wrong to be taken advantage of financially (i.e., he earns all of the money and she spends it all while running up debt and refusing to work); we need to teach them the warning signs and symptoms of abuse and that’s there’s no shame in admitting they’re in an abusive relationship and that men, just like women, don’t owe their abuser a damned thing except a view of their backsides walking away from them and, in some cases, a trip to the local jailhouse. We need to teach our boys that tolerating abuse from a woman doesn’t make them “men;” it makes them victims and suckers for buying into the bull that abuse isn’t abuse when the perpetrator is a female.
We need to provide boys and young men the same information and supports we provide girls and women. Predators come in all shapes, sizes and sexes and we need to teach our children, girls and boys, how to avoid and protect themselves from manipulative, abusive predators. We also need to stop normalizing predatory behaviors in females exhibited in high-conflict and personality-disordered types as normal and/or acceptable female behavior. These behaviors are not normal. It’s just as bad and pathological when women exhibit abusive behaviors and they should receive the same public censure, condemnation, ostracism, court fines and jail time as male abusers.
I implore mothers and fathers to discuss these issues when they feel it’s time for the birds and bees talk with both their daughters and sons. Trust me, you don’t want these kinds of women as future daughters-in-law.
Want to Say Goodbye to Crazy? Buy it HERE.
Shrink4Men Coaching and Consulting Services:
Dr Tara J. Palmatier provides confidential, fee-for-service, consultation/coaching services to help both men and women work through their relationship issues via telephone and/or Skype chat. Her practice combines practical advice, support, reality testing and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Shrink4Men Services page for professional inquiries.
Photo credits:
In my previous marriage, my sons saw me abused enough that I think they learned the lesson that domestic abuse against women is not cool. They are very gentle with their loved ones and girlfriends. I have since remarried to a man that was a victim of emotional abuse. He was manipulated, belittled, etc., to the point that he didn’t even feel like a man anymore. Together, we have four children – 3 boys and a girl.
We do not hold double standards in our household. We teach the children that boys and girls have equal rights and neither has special privileges based on sex. When it’s time to shovel the snow, she gets out there with the boys. She complains “but mom says it’s a boys’ job.” The boys laugh. They know that doesn’t fly when she’s with us. When she is old enough, she will also be mowing the yard with them.
When she tries to control, belittle or manipulate the boys the way she does at her mom’s, we put her in her place right in front of the boys. We don’t tolerate it from any of the children. Together, my husband and I are trying to teach all the kids that hitting, controlling, abusive, manipulative tactics are not tolerated from anyone in the family – and they shouldn’t tolerate it from anyone either.
The difficult part of raising children between two households, however, is that, while we don’t have a double standard in our home, the other household does. In fact, it is actively encouraged. When we have the children less than half the time, it’s hard to un-teach what has already been taught.
In the end, the best teacher is a good role-model. My husband and I love and cherish each other. We don’t control the other one. I try to teach her, by example, that women should be independent, taking care of themselves. We shouldn’t get special privileges because we have a womb. We should earn our way, have our bank account, have our own interests and not depend on our husbands for our identity.
This article is spot-on. I am married to a woman who despite having graduated from prestigious bachelors and masters programs (in psychology) both with honors, has never worked a real job in her life, constantly complains that I do not earn enough (because a low 6 figure salary for a lawyer is not sufficient), is constantly on the pity pot about her perceived quality of life, house, car, etc., constantly decries my perceived poor fatherhood (even though it is me that the children come to when there is an issue, and they regularly hide information from her for fear that she will freak out), regularly rages, and often criticizes my family.
In response to these patterns, and particularly with my older daughter (who is nearly a teenager), I regularly stress the values of working hard to earn a living, supporting her (future) husband and family, not complaining or engaging in self pity, working towards dreams that require self sufficiency, and not simply riding into your late 30s and early 40s on the coattails of long-gone scholastic achievement.
I do not believe that my wife intends to be manipulative, but rather, that her value system is warped. She sees herself as a perpetual victim, and is always ready to play the part of the helpless female who needs to be rescued. Whether it is about cleaning up messes that she makes in the kitchen, earning a living (or at least contributing), or taking responsibility for her emotions. And it is a constant challenge for me to teach my children that this is not the way to behave.
Great article. You are on the right track. I believe children’s formative years are dominated by women. That’s why I also believe much of the worlds problems with male violence/criminality can be traced back to these years where lifelong thought patterns develop.
Sure, economic security is essential, good schools etc, but having balanced, stable parents is paramount in that young boys will learn empathy while also developing a critical mind, able to know when and how to apply justice.
My current relationship is with a mother of a 12-yr old boy and we are trying to get to the next stage (cohabitation – marriage, I declare, will only happen after this living together period shows she is worthy, as I will not risk marriage first under present no-fault divorce laws. I own a house, considerable savings, pension. She’s got diddleysquat). She is still putting up s#$t tests which I have stated I am beyond proving myself. I am in my early 40s and have no desire to court her (been there done that with her) nor am I to be her “events co-ordinator”.
Looks pretty bad right now. The latest and possibly the last argument revolved around, after spending a good 15 hours last weekend being awesome fiance/step-father to them, showed the boy a quick video on youtube of a fight, giving my advice on how to stay out of them and what to do if in them. She accused me of being unfit, then goes on to say we don’t have anything in common because we don’t have a child together, love has grown boring.
As I noted, I didn’t react to her test, but simply told her to make a decision or accept the situation. Two days later, she’s trying to sweep it under the rug, but I am holding fast.
Why is this related to the article? Firstly, it shows that boys can receive good advice from stepfathers but get undermined by possessive/paranoid mothers, and secondly, that I am not using violence in any way, shape or form to maintain my resolve and composure, thanks in no small part to your website.
Any advice?
Leave.
Concur.
She has her bag of tricks and I am a sucker, that’s for sure.
I played the honorable one and played right into her hands. To my credit, however, I refused to sign any marriage contract (under marriage 2.0/no fault divorce) until and after she proves herself trustworthy and reliable. This wasn’t acceptable to her, which pretty much shows her motivations and sense of self-worth.
Love is enough, up to a point, but a man has certain instincts that go beyond the tingles.
You are right, better to leave and deal with the pain, then stay in something that has a thousand little cuts.
Good on you for holding fast to your principles, LK. If a woman can’t treat you well before you pop the question, when it’s in her best interests to do so in order to get you to pop the question, what do you think the odds are that her behaviors/attitude toward you will improve after you say, “I do?”
Actually, you should be grateful. The smart predators will put on the performance of a lifetime to get you to meet them at the altar or destination wedding. The ones who are disrespectful, abusive and controlling before you’re engaged and during the engagement are giving you all you need to know about what married life will be like with them. IT WILL BE WORSE AFTER THE RELATIONSHIP IS LEGAL because she’ll know she’s “got you.”
“Things will be better after we’re married” is a lie. A great, big, honking lie. More lies: “Things will be better after we have a child” and “things will be better when the kids are a little older.” Lies, lies, lies, lies. The time for things to get better is now, the present. If she tries to sell you that things will be better on some magical, elusive date in the future, after you do everything she wants, rest assured that day will most likely never arrive. Ever.
If she says, “Things will be better after we’re married because I’ll be able to trust you because you will have made a commitment,” run for the hills. This is like telling your boss, “Look, I know my work and attitude have been shitty, but if you give me that promotion, I swear, boss, my performance and attitude will improve.” Where’s the logic? There is none. It’s a scam.
Thanks for your reply. I respect your input and perspective. Things got to the point where I felt my good-nature and commitment was taken for granted, and also realized that I can do better. Maybe not now, but if I stay single, at least I have kept my integrity.
Basically, I am one who avoided a potential disaster.
RUN RUN RUN…..FASTER, FASTER, FASTER……I married my husband with a prenuptial agreement between us. If you really have considerable assets that YOU earned, you would be CRAZY to marry ANYONE without a prenuptial. I am not entitled to my husband’s blood, sweat, tears and responsible financial behavior BEFORE our marriage, just as he is not entitled to mine. What we build together is a 50/50 split should the marriage dissolve, per the prenup. I want my husband – not his assets and I PROVED that by signing my name on the dotted line. Don’t get me wrong, the prenup protected me as well, and he PROVED he wanted me and not my assets. Lovekraft, the “tests” you speak of are the hallmark of a personality disorder. I have NEVER “tested” my husband and he has never “tested” me. A prenuptial agreement is not a test – it is taking care of yourself and being “ok” with your partner doing the same. By the way, my husband had far more assets than I before the marriage – so clearly, this isn’t lip service.
Dr T, I have a bone to pick with you regarding “22 things to teach your son about women, or not” – #14. I know my point could be considered semantics, but here it is anyway… encouragement of trying to “figure out” another persons “FAVORITE” OF ANYTHING is wrong. I appreciate the people who remember and honor me – PERIOD. I don’t give a damn if its my “favorite” flower, football team, beer, author, etc., and I don’t care how much it cost. My most cherished gifts and treasures hold no monetary value in the real world, but in my world, they are PRICELESS and none of them are my “favorite”. Of course I have a favorite flower….so what…as human beings, I believe we should appreciate the effort of others – my “favorite” is static. The good people in our lives do the best they can to please us, and by damn, that should be enough.
Actually, Marie, we’re in agreement on #14. The text in blue is from the original list on The Frisky.
And I’m in total agreement with you re: pre-nups. Unfortunately, oftentimes in divorce court, they’re not worth the paper they’re printed upon.
Run! Don’t walk. And get a copy of RK Hendrick’s book at:
http://protectionformen.com/
Danger, Will Robinson!!! Don’t walk, run, for the exit. It will only get worse with cohabitation and marriage. Her saying “we don’t have anything in common because we don’t have a child together, love has grown boring” makes me think she’ll try to get pregnant from you to increase her hold on you – and probably be willing to lie about or sabotage contraception to do it.
Oh, one more thing: Cthulhu fhtagn.
Ia Ia Shub-Niggurath!
On that note, HPL’s personal letters are collected in the book “Lord of a Visible World”. Other than his short-lived marriage to Sonya Greene, he was a lifelong bachelor and one of incredible depth, intelligence and generosity.
That, and also the creator of the Cthulhu mythos.
Thanks for letting me know about that book. I may have to get my hands on it one of these days. Getting a further glimpse into the mind that created the Cthulhu mythos would certainly be interesting if nothing else.
For the life of me, I can’t figure out why you are still with her. What are you waiting for her to prove? Geez, man, if she’s that bad now…like Dr. T says, she won’t be any better ‘behind closed doors.’
Cut your losses and chalk it up to a learning experience.
I’ve already started working on things with my daughter. At 14, she’s starting to develop an interest in boys and sometimes we’ll talk. I tell her that it’s up to her who she choses to associate with and who she’ll have a relationship with but not to waste her time on someone who doesn’t respect her or who doesn’t treat her well. She has a pretty good head on her shoulders and doesn’t appear to have self-esteem issues. The challenge with her is getting her to start looking ahead and if she wants something, she needs to figure out how to make that happen. She got the same speech my father gave me. I told her that as long as it wasn’t illegal or immoral, I didn’t care what she did with her life as long as she was willing to accept the lifestyle her choices provided her. She’s still getting her head around that.
In this area, I’m more concerned about my son. He’s 10 and has one of the sweetest and most trusting dispositions you’ll ever encounter. He doesn’t have self-esteem issues either but I think he could be vulnerable because he’s so trusting. I’m hoping he’ll develop a healthy skepticism on his own since I don’t know how to impart that in him. Part of me wants him to stay sweet and trusting. If he has a weakness it’s that he takes his failures very hard. If he screws something up, he’d rather abandon it than try it again and he’s really hard on himself. I’m worried that if he tangles with a Cluster B that blames him for things, he’ll believe it. There’s a scene in the movie M*A*S*H where a patient died and Frank Barnes (Robert Duval) tells the young Korean orderly that he killed the patient and the kid believed him. For some reason, the scene really scares me. I’m trying to teach him to accept responsibility but only for those things he’s truly responsible for.
One of the things I plan on doing if I can swing it is to check out the other parents. If I can get a good idea of how the kid was raised, I should be able to see what kind of time my kid might be in for. I have no idea of what I might do if I found something disturbing but at least I’d know what was happening.
Hit a nerve with this one…
I would definitely educate your son. His demeanor seems a lot like mine. A Confident, well liked, smart child while growing up. I had leadership roles, and a lot more. I NEVER learned a thing about women and boundaries while growing up. I was taught to be nice, kind, understanding, and I have been. I open the car door for women, pay for dinners, I am respectful, and do other kind things.
Well low and behold I found myself getting out of a two year long relationship where I was yelled at for hours. I felt like I could do nothing correct. I always felt like I was walking on egg shells. My self esteem was destroyed. We are talking about a guy who owns his own house, almost makes 6 figures, is kind caring, and kind. has traveled the world extensively etc. Sometime after the breakup I realized that I attract women that are abusive or who have been in abusive relationships. I’m not sure why because my parents were not abusive (except for a little motherly nagging).
Teach your son the dangers of the world. You would want your son to know crystal meth is bad wouldn’t you? That you shouldn’t drink and drive, that spending too much money is a bad thing. Trust me, a Cluster B is just as bad. Teach him the signs to look for. If you are lucky he will never have to thank you for it. He will just thank you for being a good parent.
The message in this article is of paramount importance. Not long after leaving an abusive relationship with a bpd woman, my therapist asked me if I knew what domestic violence was. The question was jarring. It was a question that I had never even remotely thought of asking myself. The question was so startling that I was left momentarily speechless. Being so completely unaware that domestic violence poses a threat to men just floored me. It still does.
How can we guard against things we don’t know can hurt us?
One of them important things anyone can do is to educate young men and women about the dangers they face.
John P, you raise a fantastic point, and one that really hits home for me as well. A lot of us have absolutely no idea what it means, especially if we grew up in high-conflict, abusive, disordered homes. It’s like the old saw that a fish doesn’t know that it’s wet.
One of the functions of society is to promote awareness of that which can harm it’s citizens. A good example is this website. This website performs a social function because it provides information to men that we never got from parents, peers, government services, media, or educational institutions. Think about everything you’ve ever heard or read. Information about abused men is not communicated in any way, it doesn’t come to you. You have to actually go out and get it. Not only that, you have to dig deep. Think about Dr. T’s searches on the internet for abused men?
How do we make such a change that information about abused men get’s too people? As it stands now, it has to happen to you, and then someone has to tell you that you were abused, and then you still have to go out and “get” information on it. We get messages on women being abused from all sorts of outlets. Parents, peers, media, schools, whatever.
Again, I point towards the importance of this article and what it can mean for our future. : )
I’m sure it comes as no surprise that I agree with your comment 100%. The abuse of males by mothers and wives is a dirty little secret in our society, and one that is systematically (if not deliberately) downplayed or outright ignored. That’s why forums like this are absolutely vital for getting the word out, and for helping equip men to a) recognize and address abusive behavior toward them, and b) teach their sons how to recognize and counteract abusive behavior so they can avoid getting into toxic, damaging relationships.
Me, I never had children. I did, however, turn my nephew on to your site Dr. T. He had his first child late last year.
This is important for both genders to learn. Abuse is never ok, violence is only ok if defending oneself or someone else. And it’s not just for the benefit of males to spread the word on this. A girl or woman who thinks it’s ok to hit a male and he won’t retaliate is putting herself in danger as well.
There was a dispute over a parking space in New York City between a woman “saving” the spot for her boyfriend and a male driver. At this point we only have the male driver’s side of the story, which hasn’t been indepdently verified. He claims she hit him first and he hit her back. Last I heard, she was in a coma and doctors didn’t know if she would live or not. If his claim is true and she did hit him first, her belief that she could just go around physically abusing men has ruined 2 lives. Hers because she will likely have brain damage and his because he will likely serve time.
The online newspaper comments for the stories on this featured many of the “it’s never ok to hit a woman” cliches. I think that way of thinking is dangerous because:
1) it opens boys and men to socially sanctioned physical abuse
2) it gives girls and women a false sense of security that no male is ever going to hit them back
3) it’s a twisted distortion of a well intentioned concept. Never hitting a woman was meant for back in the day where there were no legal sanctions for a man who abused his wife and children with violence. It was also socially accepted for men to get violent, because their homes were their castles. We’ve had the sense to realize this was wrong and change it. How about recognizing it isn’t ok for anyone to have to live with abuse/violence?
Some links to articles. Not sure if these include it, but some were even doubting that a woman her size would try to hit a larger man and the mere fact that she was smaller meant he had to be lying. The media have been using all sorts of descriptive phrases with him “brute”, etc. If she did hit first, I think that’s unfair to him.
http://www.nydailynews.com/news/ny_crime/2011/03/07/2011-03-07_parking_assault_suspect_defends_actions_i_only_hit_the_girl_one_time_it_was_refl.html
http://www.nypost.com/p/news/local/parking_spot_brute_indicted_coma_ws10l4eehrXJlgfQfZvJUJ
This is an excellent summary of what to look for in an abusive woman or man:
disrespectful, cruel, indifferent, demanding, controlling, demeaning, manipulative, opportunistic, possessive, jealous, emotionally dishonest, unemphatic, abusive, crazy and/or predatory
I suppose we can cut little girls and little boys who exhibit these traits some slack. Fully adult women and men who exhibit these behaviors are an embarrassment. The ‘Sex in the City’ syndrome I suppose. I teach the young men I work with that they are grown men, not boys. They need to act like grown men and pick women who act like grown women. They are stunned at what a pleasant experience that can be.
Generally, between two men, (at least the world I grew up in)-there were two provocations that warranted a punch to the face. One, being struck, and two the spoken words F&^%# you. Those were things that preceded most brawls-between men. I have always been astounded at the sheer volume of women that do both…with apparently no fear of retaliation.
Why would a woman have any realistic fear of the man defending himself? If he does, she goes free and gets a spot on Oprah, while he gets arrested and goes to prison for battery and DV.
I have to say, this article is dead on.
When I divorced my ex-wife in New York State (when there was no no-fault divorce) I filed on the grounds of “cruel and inhumane treatment.” However, when it came time to finalizing the divorce my lawyer advised me that my wife would win in court because she is a female, despite video evidence, police reports, and a psych report from her psychiatrist. So we had to change the grounds and my ex literally took me for everything I had. How is that fair in this world?
I’m sorry to hear you got taken. No-fault was finally enacted last October. Personally, if a lawyer told me I’d lose despite having solid evidence, I’d look for another lawyer.
Off-topic: @Dr. Tara
I am curious to know what your opinion is on Sex Addiction being included in the DSM-V:
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1365828/Sex-addiction-formally-recognised-psychiatric-illness.html
I can’t speak for Dr. T., but in my opinion sex addiction is just a symptom, or behavioral issue, of a far larger issue. ie: PDs, Bi-Poloar, Depression, etc., and not something that can be treated as a separate problem.
I blame Moses. Obviously, he ran out of space or his arm was tired ot the chisel broke or he forgot the errata sheet listing the exceptions to “Thou shalt not commit adultery.”
It only took a few thousand years for the really smart people writing the DSM-V to understand that God really meant to add, “…unless you have a sex addiction as demonstrated by 5 or more of the following criteria…”
This post of Dr. T is SO important, it’s gravity cannot be emphasized more. An ounce of prevention is worth many pounds of cure.
I was at home today and though I don’t watch much tv, had switched on to watch the Japan earthquake news – when I chanced on a program ‘When women kill’ (think it was on E) but wow! mind-blowing – how the women who viciously murdered their husbands, killed their own innocent children and other children, plotted to contract-kill a husband’s lover – all, yes , ALL shown in some sympathetic glamourized ‘poor-her’ light. With an irritating enabling woman social worker ‘expert’ (some Dr. Darcy, PhD) gushing on camera for each case with a defensive explanation for everything – all blame projected elsewhere – either battered spouse syndrome (even when proven that it was the wife who was cheating & abusive and had killed the man with 90 stab wounds), or blaming chemists for not discovering bipolar medication, blaming the patriarchy, and even blaming migraines (!!!) that’s right – migraines for a woman who viciously killed her own 5 year old and now is the prison’s church minister – go figure!!! (Geez – I have migraines, the tennis star and a good mother and person Steffi Graf is known to have migraines – and migraines don’t cause women to snap and murder!) But basically blaming everything else to have ’caused’ these women to snap rather than state the truth – that they were evil and they were abusive.
But boy – it was nauseating to see how weepy sympathizing relatives of the murdering women were interviewed while the victims’ sides were not shown. As though women going bonkers is some collective failure of society, patriarchy, medicine, media-message-causing-low-self-esteem (as Andrea claimed again). The son-killer Andrea who repeatedly had affairs and seemed like a real piece of work, even blamed that her husband’s mild criticism over her affairs had caused her to choke and drown her own child! Wow!
What made me so upset was the blatant double standards with which our media, tv shows and court systems treat women sociopaths. Yes – there are monsters in both genders – and just like we punish and abhor and find no excuses to sentence male murderers and abusers, we should give the SAME treatment to women murderers or soul-murderers. In fact when they showed the Melissa Huckabee case – the bitch (sorry – but have to call a spade a spade) had even vicously inserted a rolling pin inside the little girl – hoping that she could pin the ‘rape’ and murder on a man & the police in fact spent a lot of time looking for men before realizing it was a female Sunday school teacher (whose parents were pastors) who had committed the crime.
“We also need to stop normalizing predatory behaviors in females exhibited in high-conflict and personality-disordered types as normal and/or acceptable female behavior. These behaviors are not normal. It’s just as bad and pathological as when women exhibit abusive behaviors and they should receive the same public censure, condemnation, ostracism, court fines and jail time as male abusers.” – Dr. T. Bingo! It is the duty of parents to teach their children – both daughter AND son about predators of both genders. Early on. I wish my parents had taught me and not ‘enabled’ or found excuses for the behaviour of my spoiled abusive sister. I wish the Catholic girls’ convent I was schooled at had not brain-washed me to be so self-sacrificial and patient and giving. Or that the chivalry that good men are taught are not used against them by predatory women.
The only way to ensure justice and prevent crime is to take a 360 degree view of Truth and reveal both sides of reality without any gender bias. To let one gender get away with a light rap out of some chivalry or excuse is not justice, that’s stupidity. (btw Looking forward to Barbara Oakley’s new book – ‘Pathological Altruism’ ) We may still remain susceptible to physical sociopaths. But at least learning about abusers of BOTH genders will prevent the soul-rape and much worse metaphorical financial, emotional rapes that the soul-sociopaths cause.
And as for the radical feminists who say that anything spoken against women is ‘misogyny’ here’s a revelation from Alice Walker’s own daughter who said how narcissistic and emotionally abusive her own mother was : (a must-read): http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1021293/How-mothers-fanatical-feminist-views-tore-apart-daughter-The-Color-Purple-author.html
Interesting article Tom thank you for sharing. Recently, while going through some bins I had in storage I found an Alice Walker book that an ex-friend gave me. She would refer to me as her “feminist brother.” I BARF AT THAT NOW!!! The ex-friend in question has, in my opinion, and was actually diagnosed by a professional, as having BPD. She turned into a femi-nazi and our friendship eroded, not by my choice, but hers, as it did when she found Christianity way back when. She phased in and out of that, and eventually ‘hoovered’ me back for a second round.
Upon reflection I am truly thankful for her choice to dissolve our friendship. It was a “get-out-jail free card.” Interestingly enough she made her choice at the time that I lost my job and I was refusing to relocate to her part of the country to get a job, rent a home and support her financially ambivalent lifestyle. The food bills alone would of put me into bankruptcy…need I say more?
I threw the book in the garbage. It’s tired rhetoric.
“Upon reflection I am truly thankful for her choice to dissolve our friendship. It was a “get-out-jail free card.” Interestingly enough she made her choice at the time that I lost my job and I was refusing to relocate to her part of the country to get a job, rent a home and support her financially ambivalent lifestyle. The food bills alone would of put me into bankruptcy…need I say more?”
I’m sorry, what?
Okay let me be blunt about it. She was an overweight highly consumptive pig with the only intention of wanting to support her consumptive habits with my ability to work and earn a paycheck. Get it now?
I was just thinking this morning that not only is it important to teach our sons, we need to teach our daughters certain things. For example, that they’re not entitled, they are responsible for their behavior, and they shouldn’t expect the rules to be set (or changed mid-stream) to skew things in their favor. Granted, a lot of this as already been undermined in our popular culture. However, I would like to think that if they’re taught in a way that inoculates them against those destructive attitudes and behaviors, we’d all be better off for it.
My most recent relationship was with a man who had been emotionally abused by his ex-wife. He had a lot of difficulty with normal expression of his emotions, lack of confidence in himself as a partner, fear of emasculation, fear that I would turn into her, and so on. It was heartbreaking to see such a good man having such difficulty. There was absolutely nothing wrong with him and no reason for him to feel so insecure, but the damage done by his ex was so severe that despite the passage of more than a decade he was still feeling the effects. Abuse of men by women is just as harmful and unacceptable as the reverse. It needs to be recognized for what it is and these women need to be dealt with as severly as their male counterparts. They ruin lives.