The Ultimate Relationship Deal-Breaker for Men: False Allegations and Threatening to Call the Police discussed why false allegations of abuse and threats to call the police by your wife or girlfriend are abusive, why some high-conflict and personality disordered women engage in these behaviors and why it should be a clear sign that you need to protect yourself from further abuse and most likely end your relationship.
If your partner has threatened to call the police as an intimidation/control tactic, don’t kid yourself. You’re in an abusive relationship and, as the image to the right states, false allegations of abuse ARE abuse. The following list includes some basic precautions you may want to consider if you’re the target of these kinds of threats and behaviors.
What you should do if your wife, girlfriend or ex threatens to call the police and make false allegations of abuse:
1. Take it seriously. This is not a laughing matter, even if she pulls the classic “LOL, I was only kidding.” Reasonable, good people don’t threaten to call the police because they’re angry, have hurt feelings or aren’t getting their way nor do they joke about calling the police. They don’t threaten you with jail if you hold them accountable or break up with them. Even if she doesn’t follow through with her threat, you need to consider if you want to be with someone who believes it’s acceptable behavior to use the police to control and punish you. Totalitarian regimes use their police to control, intimidate and limit the freedom of their citizens. Do you want to be in a totalitarian relationship? One guess as to who the petty tyrant is.
2. Develop an exit strategy. If you’re not married; consult with an attorney regarding your rights and how to remove her from your home if you’re co-habitating. If her name is on the lease/mortgage, it will be trickier. If you’re married; consult with an attorney about how you can safely end the relationship and proceed with a high-conflict divorce. If you’re married and feel you can’t end the relationship just yet (e.g., you share children); consult with an attorney on how you can protect yourself.
3. Contact your local police. Let the police know about the threats and ask them for advice. Perhaps they will document your visit. However, do let them know it’s untrue and let them know about the abuse she’s been inflicting. Depending upon which officer you speak with, he or she may or may not be helpful.
4. Don’t allow yourself to be put in compromising situations. Do your best to not be alone with her. Always be sure to have a clear path to an exit when you’re in a room with her. Oftentimes, this kind of woman will try to back you into a corner and get in your face while she provokes/rages at you in an effort to get you to push her away. If she succeeds, she can then claim you shoved her and this can land you in jail.
Most importantly, do not hit her—even if she’s begging you to do so. These sick twists will actually taunt you, “You want to hit me now, don’t you? Why don’t you hit me? What’s the matter, big man? Scared of a woman? Go on, hit me you big p*ssy. Show me how tough you are.” If your wife/girlfriend engages in this kind of behavior, it’s almost a guarantee that she’ll eventually call the cops. Again, this is extremely sick behavior and you need to seriously consider what you’re still doing in this relationship.
5. Purchase a digital tape recorder. Buy a digital recorder to hide in your pocket. You can buy one for under $35. The Sony ICD-BX800 Flash Memory Digital Voice Recorder has 2GB of memory and sells for $33.66. When your wife/girlfriend/ex starts going off and making threats, turn the device on. If she eventually calls the police, you can play the recording for the officers. Upload all of your recordings onto a drive or some other secure storage unit. Date and time stamp them and save them. In some states, recordings are admissible in court and these may be handy later on in a divorce/custody case.
6. Remove any firearms from your home. If you’re a gun owner and your wife/girlfriend has an itchy dialing finger, get the guns out of your residence and store them somewhere safe. Especially do this if you don’t have a permit. This kind of woman will typically make a point of telling the police/911 operator that you have guns in the home. If the police arrive thinking you’re armed, it could be utterly horrific for you.
7. Document everything. Abusive women make a lot of emotionally charged claims, but rarely have the facts to support them. Therefore, it’s imperative that you have the facts to support your version of events—you know, reality. Start a log or a journal and store it in a safe place. Find a friend, family member or therapist to talk to about the abuse. Create your own paper trail of evidence.
8. Monitor and screensave her social media. For some reason, some of these women actually brag about their antics, exploits and plans on Facebook, Twitter, MySpace, blogs, etc. It’s typically more of their self-aggrandizing, attention-seeking behavior, however, in this instance, you can use it to your advantage. There’s nothing sweeter than busting someone with her own words.
If she actually calls the police:
9. Grab your wallet, keys, phone, computer and other essential items and either:
a. Step outside the home and call a friend or family member to let them know what’s going on. Get someone on the phone who can attest to the fact that you’re with them on the phone and not attacking your partner. Let them know that you might be arrested if the police believe her and ask if them to meet you at the jail (in case they don’t let you make a phone call. Alternatively, ask them to come over to act as a witness. You’ll want someone to witness the police officers’ behavior, too. The police have been known to abuse their authority in domestic situations.
b. Go to a friend’s or family member’s home and then call the police to let them know where you are. According to Shrink4Men Forum member and law enforcement officer, burnout10: “I learned, many years ago after responding to my domestics, that when an innocent party, especially male, sticks around to plead out his case, he ends up in jail. When you have a PDI [personality disordered individual] putting on her best act and children are involved, a responding officer feels pressured to make a situation right there for the sake of the children. Unfortunately, if you don’t have the experience to know what you are dealing with, you will fold under pressure and an innocent party will end up in jail. When you are faced with these types of situations, I would highly advise men to remove yourself from the situation and meet the police on neutral territory. Hanging around to plead out your case will only inflame the situation and cause the PDI to put increasing manipulative pressure on the police to do something. Being right and surviving an attack are two different things.”
10. Do NOT plead guilty if the case goes to court. Oftentimes, men are advised to plead guilty or no contest to false allegation charges rather than go through the ordeal and expense of a trial. This is a BIG mistake. First, it gives credence to your abuser’s lies. Eventually, you’re going to have to explain why you were arrested and pled guilty to family, friends, colleagues and potential employers. Pleading guilty or no contest makes later claims of innocence shaky at best. Second, you do not want this charge on your record. It will be held against you during your impending divorce and your custody proceedings. Fight it, get it thrown out and get it expunged.
11. Consider filing a false report complaint with the police if you’re exonerated and/or the your case is dismissed. The police may or may not press charges, but filing the complaint creates a record should she ever decide to pull the same stunt again. You may want to file a complaint even if she rescinds her charges. These women need to start receiving some consequences for their criminal behavior and making false allegations of abuse is a criminal behavior whether or not your local police decide to enforce it.
False allegations and bogus calls to the police are an extremely sick form of abuse. Please let this article be your wake-up call. Someone who would do this to a person they claim to love is without morals or empathy. They are sadistic bullies of the highest order and you must protect yourself. If she actually believes her own lies then she may very well be delusional. These behaviors are unforgivable. For those of you who have already had the police called on you and are still in the relationship, you’re playing with a ticking time bomb.
Shrink4Men Coaching and Consulting Services:
Dr Tara J. Palmatier provides confidential, fee-for-service, consultation/coaching services to help both men and women work through their relationship issues via telephone and/or Skype chat. Her practice combines practical advice, support, reality testing and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Shrink4Men Services page for professional inquiries.