The Ultimate Relationship Deal-Breaker for Men: False Allegations and Threatening to Call the Police discussed why false allegations of abuse and threats to call the police by your wife or girlfriend are abusive, why some high-conflict and personality disordered women engage in these behaviors and why it should be a clear sign that you need to protect yourself from further abuse and most likely end your relationship.
If your partner has threatened to call the police as an intimidation/control tactic, don’t kid yourself. You’re in an abusive relationship and, as the image to the right states, false allegations of abuse ARE abuse. The following list includes some basic precautions you may want to consider if you’re the target of these kinds of threats and behaviors.
What you should do if your wife, girlfriend or ex threatens to call the police and make false allegations of abuse:
1. Take it seriously. This is not a laughing matter, even if she pulls the classic “LOL, I was only kidding.” Reasonable, good people don’t threaten to call the police because they’re angry, have hurt feelings or aren’t getting their way nor do they joke about calling the police. They don’t threaten you with jail if you hold them accountable or break up with them. Even if she doesn’t follow through with her threat, you need to consider if you want to be with someone who believes it’s acceptable behavior to use the police to control and punish you. Totalitarian regimes use their police to control, intimidate and limit the freedom of their citizens. Do you want to be in a totalitarian relationship? One guess as to who the petty tyrant is.
2. Develop an exit strategy. If you’re not married; consult with an attorney regarding your rights and how to remove her from your home if you’re co-habitating. If her name is on the lease/mortgage, it will be trickier. If you’re married; consult with an attorney about how you can safely end the relationship and proceed with a high-conflict divorce. If you’re married and feel you can’t end the relationship just yet (e.g., you share children); consult with an attorney on how you can protect yourself.
3. Contact your local police. Let the police know about the threats and ask them for advice. Perhaps they will document your visit. However, do let them know it’s untrue and let them know about the abuse she’s been inflicting. Depending upon which officer you speak with, he or she may or may not be helpful.
4. Don’t allow yourself to be put in compromising situations. Do your best to not be alone with her. Always be sure to have a clear path to an exit when you’re in a room with her. Oftentimes, this kind of woman will try to back you into a corner and get in your face while she provokes/rages at you in an effort to get you to push her away. If she succeeds, she can then claim you shoved her and this can land you in jail.
Most importantly, do not hit her—even if she’s begging you to do so. These sick twists will actually taunt you, “You want to hit me now, don’t you? Why don’t you hit me? What’s the matter, big man? Scared of a woman? Go on, hit me you big p*ssy. Show me how tough you are.” If your wife/girlfriend engages in this kind of behavior, it’s almost a guarantee that she’ll eventually call the cops. Again, this is extremely sick behavior and you need to seriously consider what you’re still doing in this relationship.
5. Purchase a digital tape recorder. Buy a digital recorder to hide in your pocket. You can buy one for under $35. The Sony ICD-BX800 Flash Memory Digital Voice Recorder has 2GB of memory and sells for $33.66. When your wife/girlfriend/ex starts going off and making threats, turn the device on. If she eventually calls the police, you can play the recording for the officers. Upload all of your recordings onto a drive or some other secure storage unit. Date and time stamp them and save them. In some states, recordings are admissible in court and these may be handy later on in a divorce/custody case.
6. Remove any firearms from your home. If you’re a gun owner and your wife/girlfriend has an itchy dialing finger, get the guns out of your residence and store them somewhere safe. Especially do this if you don’t have a permit. This kind of woman will typically make a point of telling the police/911 operator that you have guns in the home. If the police arrive thinking you’re armed, it could be utterly horrific for you.
7. Document everything. Abusive women make a lot of emotionally charged claims, but rarely have the facts to support them. Therefore, it’s imperative that you have the facts to support your version of events—you know, reality. Start a log or a journal and store it in a safe place. Find a friend, family member or therapist to talk to about the abuse. Create your own paper trail of evidence.
8. Monitor and screensave her social media. For some reason, some of these women actually brag about their antics, exploits and plans on Facebook, Twitter, MySpace, blogs, etc. It’s typically more of their self-aggrandizing, attention-seeking behavior, however, in this instance, you can use it to your advantage. There’s nothing sweeter than busting someone with her own words.
If she actually calls the police:
9. Grab your wallet, keys, phone, computer and other essential items and either:
a. Step outside the home and call a friend or family member to let them know what’s going on. Get someone on the phone who can attest to the fact that you’re with them on the phone and not attacking your partner. Let them know that you might be arrested if the police believe her and ask if them to meet you at the jail (in case they don’t let you make a phone call. Alternatively, ask them to come over to act as a witness. You’ll want someone to witness the police officers’ behavior, too. The police have been known to abuse their authority in domestic situations.
b. Go to a friend’s or family member’s home and then call the police to let them know where you are. According to Shrink4Men Forum member and law enforcement officer, burnout10: “I learned, many years ago after responding to my domestics, that when an innocent party, especially male, sticks around to plead out his case, he ends up in jail. When you have a PDI [personality disordered individual] putting on her best act and children are involved, a responding officer feels pressured to make a situation right there for the sake of the children. Unfortunately, if you don’t have the experience to know what you are dealing with, you will fold under pressure and an innocent party will end up in jail. When you are faced with these types of situations, I would highly advise men to remove yourself from the situation and meet the police on neutral territory. Hanging around to plead out your case will only inflame the situation and cause the PDI to put increasing manipulative pressure on the police to do something. Being right and surviving an attack are two different things.”
10. Do NOT plead guilty if the case goes to court. Oftentimes, men are advised to plead guilty or no contest to false allegation charges rather than go through the ordeal and expense of a trial. This is a BIG mistake. First, it gives credence to your abuser’s lies. Eventually, you’re going to have to explain why you were arrested and pled guilty to family, friends, colleagues and potential employers. Pleading guilty or no contest makes later claims of innocence shaky at best. Second, you do not want this charge on your record. It will be held against you during your impending divorce and your custody proceedings. Fight it, get it thrown out and get it expunged.
11. Consider filing a false report complaint with the police if you’re exonerated and/or the your case is dismissed. The police may or may not press charges, but filing the complaint creates a record should she ever decide to pull the same stunt again. You may want to file a complaint even if she rescinds her charges. These women need to start receiving some consequences for their criminal behavior and making false allegations of abuse is a criminal behavior whether or not your local police decide to enforce it.
False allegations and bogus calls to the police are an extremely sick form of abuse. Please let this article be your wake-up call. Someone who would do this to a person they claim to love is without morals or empathy. They are sadistic bullies of the highest order and you must protect yourself. If she actually believes her own lies then she may very well be delusional. These behaviors are unforgivable. For those of you who have already had the police called on you and are still in the relationship, you’re playing with a ticking time bomb.
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Gentlemen: Check out the Sharper image for more recording devices…they have some real ingenious devices.
I’d advise you to do most of your internet searching at work or the library, if you can get away, so there is no way she can track your history.
Also, even if actually recording her is inadmissable in court without her prior knowledge, (or consent)…you can still type it onto a Word doc, verbatim, as if you are merely remembering it. Put in dates, times, and amount of time. Try to stick to facts (such as “She yelled loudly” rather than “She was acting crazy.”)
Wouldn’t be a bad idea to have an ‘escape packet’ with extra set of keys, and important papers hidden somewhere you can just grab it on your way out.
“3. Contact your local police”
-That’s risky because they will have to report to children’s services if there is any violence and children in the house. Social workers are trained to work closely with women’s shelters and will help this poor woman remove you from her life. I agree with Trudy Schuett’s advice to only call police if you are in immediate danger.
“5. Purchase a digital tape recorder.”
-Absolutely, carry it everywhere. Consider a cheap pen video camera. Use recordings only for personal protection from false allegations.
“that when an innocent party, especially male, sticks around to plead out his case,”
-When an innocent man believes he has rights, he gets arrested. Not just “especially male” and not because of “inexperience”, but because of biased dominant aggressor training, mandatory arrest policies and chivalrous white knights saving damsels in distress.
10. Do NOT plead guilty if the case goes to court
-Great advice, unfortunately the process is the punishment and many men take the easy way out.
Totally agree with Denis 12/09/2010 @10:08 PM! Pen cameras like this one are perfect for recording audio/video evidence: http://www.thinkgeek.com/interests/techies/c521/
8. Monitor and screensave her social media. Consider using Techsmith’s SnagIT program for this purpose: http://www.techsmith.com/snagit/default.asp
Also, to protect your digital evidence archives, consider encryption. The best encryption software I’ve found that works on multiple platforms is PGP Whole Disk Encryption and related utilities. It’s possible to encrypt the entire disk on your PC running Windows or Linux or your MAC running OS X (see http://www.symantec.com/business/products/sysreq.jsp?pcid=pcat_info_risk_comp&pvid=wd_encryption_1 ). PGP can also encrypt USB thumb drives. The nice thing with an encrypted thumb drive is that if it is put into a machine that does not have the PGP desktop software installed, it appears to be unformatted and blank. Protect your case evidence and other important data by storing multiple, encrypted backups offsite — away from your home.
The other thing I’d advise is keep a journal and document your whereabouts at all times. Record every place you go, what time you got there, what time you left, and who saw you there. Your SO may decide to charge you with abuse at a time when you were not actually together, and you need to be able to prove that you were elsewhere at the time.
Great advice! Always “think ahead”.
Use a land line (if possible) for phone calls, print messages/emails/IMs from the net (ISPs don’t lie). Email trusted friends before going to clubs or events and let them know where you are going (in case she ends up at the same place).
Another (harking back to “changes in routine article” by Kev), contact police and inform them of new routes to work, jogging/walking routes, new phone numbers (if you change your number).
And yes! Whatever happens, keep your cool in any situation.
As part of your journal, keep your receipts from all of your purchases, scan them and store them on disk. Scanning receipts and other documents may help you at income tax time and deters such evidence of your whereabouts from being destroyed intentionally or through being subject to environmental conditions (some receipts fade over time due to heat or exposure to light). Paperport http://www.paperport.com/ is ideal for receipt scanning and tracking.
This is so true!… I wish now I just got out!.. My EX.. tried to run me over.. Then at a later date.. woke up to find my Ex on top of me in bed.. with a knife in her hand!… It all came to a end when.. my Ex assaulted me!.. the police was called and I was arrested!… My Ex is 5ft3 and I am 6ft4.. I Pleaded not guilty…The police was useless.. as my ex refused to allow me to get my belongings.. I was unable to run my business.. So had no choice but to plead guilty.. to get my business stuff back.. I ran a computer repair business from home. In the end I was forced to do a deal with my EX 70/30 split to get shot of her.. I lost about 100 thousand dollars.. I had one false allegation after another!.. I got fed up of the police turning up at my door to arrest me!.. In the end I moved to another country!… two years down the road my Ex is still the same.. Her lies.. gas lighting!… etc.. I am poor but happy man.. now… my advice is get out and stay away.. In the long run you will be a happier person..
Great advice column.
I suspected my spouse has Borderline Personality Disorder. Before I knew of the disorder we used to have some really out there fights. They were always over soem trivial ‘small-potaotes’ infraction on my part that she would just go banannas over. Then sh’d re-write the sequence of events in her memory so I was always the one that over reacted.
I bought a cheap digital recorder to record the fights to keep my sanity. We would often fight about who said what and when. Keeping the recordings kept me gounded in reality and prevented me from being sucked into her distortions.
Ive also experienced #4 where she was telling me to hit her, an almost verbatum conversation as what you have listed.
I journaled daily about what was going on in the house and the fights we would have.
After I found out about Borderline Personality Disorder everything started making sense. She would never admit she had a problem, it was all me. She would never admit she acted inappropriately, it was always something I had done to provoke it. I eventually came to accept that I was in an abusive relationship with a disordered person. That was the hardest and took the longest. I eventually had to give up trying to make her see the light and move on.
Fortunately we were only married for a short time and didnt have any kids. I was able to leave the marriage relatively intact and uncomplicated. Im so gald I did, theres no telling the emotional and psychological trauma she has levied on me in a short time. Im a year out (D was final 12/18/09 woohoo!) and I feel so much better. Im still struggling with some things she did to me emotionally, but im getting better every day.
My advice for men out there, if your spouse is verbally abusing you, psychologically abusing you, emotionally abusing you, run. Run like your ass is on fire and never look back. Learn to recognize what is abuse. You cant just ‘try harder’ and make her happy = she will treat you right. This doesnt work with them.
I had become a shell of a man. Scared, timid, afraid to set her off. I walked on eggshells trying to avoid the next explosion. Yet when something as small as not loading the dishwasher ‘right’ would set her off on a tirade as vicious and mean as if I had spent our life savings on magic beans, well you get to where you just want to wimper in a corner.
I know this has gotten a bit long winded, but I just wanted to add that the world is an incredible place. I thought Id be heartbroken after we split up. I thought id fall into deep depression. I was afraid to leave, not knowing how she would react. I was afraid of my family seeing me as a loser being 2x divorced. I was afraid I would come home after the ‘this isnt working out speech’ to find all my possessions broken and my cat boiling on the stove. I have a whole new respect for women in abusive relationships that feel trapped like they cant leave. Its a psychological hold they have on you. None of those things happened, the fear of them was far worse than the reality.
Now im happy. I can do what I want and not have the tantrums to deal with. I just bought my first house, on my own. Im doing better at work and im exercising 3-4 days a week. Im drinking less and enjoying just being ME. A person I had lost for a long time while I was with her.
Can’t thank you enough for this post. It’s like reading my diary from the past two years of abuse. Having heard over and over during fights that she would hit her head on the counter and blame me for the injury if I tried to have the police remove her from my house, I eventually just gave up, lived in a small dark corner of the world and lived for business travel and hotel rooms where I didn’t have to be around her (and never called while I was on the road). I lost my desire to be in my house, worried about her poisoning my dog (and possibly putting things in my food). I couldn’t believe I was living with no way out of this hellish and abusive person. I had heard about these things but never really thought it could happen to me. I’m a former police officer from a very tough city, and remember going to domestics when I was a rookie. The woman was always right, and we always came down on their side (and the kids made that pretty obvious for us). Having lived through my own version of this, I have such compassion for other men who have been living in this prison cell. Like the writer above, I finally got out by telling her I wasn’t attracted to her any more, sleeping in the guest room for three months, showing no emotion (which killed the fighting options because I wasn’t engaging at all at that point) and she eventually got tired of the deadened space, and told me I was “not her soulmate” and that I was cheating on her, so she was leaving with her things and moving in with some guy from her college days. I have never been happier in my life than after she left. I felt dead for a few days but each day since has been better and better. I’m getting back into shape, the drinking has been cut down to almost nothing, and I’m starting to sleep again at night. I can’t say this strongly enough….if this is happening to anyone reading this just disengage, do not sleep with her, do not have arguments, just become a ghost, and she will eventually leave and you will be free and happy. I’m serious, and you need to get rid of the co-dependence because the toxin is not going to go until she does. Be strong, stick with the plan, and break free!
It takes time to get over and move on.. I wish I found this wed site 2+ years ago.. I don’t think the ex will ever change and I am now happy.. finding myself again.. I am still struggling with some of the things she had done.. but getting there!.. IT TAKES TIME TO HEAL… My advice to anyone is to get out and stay away.. Do you need any more abuse in your life?….
I was lucky in my divorce that the local police and children’s services understood that all my ex wife’s allegations were false. I used to keep my banker’s boxes of divorce papers on the dining table and when the police came over after every visit (my ex wife would call them) I would explain what was happening.
But she later filed domestic violence charges saying I hit my son. This was ex parte meaning all the woman has to do is go to court (without you present) and accuse you and you are barred from seeing your children. It is only supposed to last for ten days before you get a hearing but then the divorce attorney for her will start getting continuances and file papers and this can go on for months.
She had my son and daughter testify against me. They were so brainwashed. She was trying to bar me from seeing them for five years.
That was one of the most difficult moments of my life. No person should ever be put through this.
I settled for “supervised” visitation with a babysitter I chose! All of this nonsense was to hurt, humilate and cause me financial harm.
I am sure that there are some guys that are in jail because of false charges like this.
I kept audio tapes and videotapes of my ex’s threatening and often bizarre behavior. I played them for everyone including the psychologist. That truly was one of the most shocking things as well. The psychologist just does not care. They just want to meet every week and try to resolve issues with a person who cannot and will not.
The psychologists get mezmerized by the woman and just adopt her mindset, treating you as if you are an animal. This is uniform among them. Zero therapeutic anything. Counseling sessions are just opportunities for the ex to bash you and threaten you. It used to make me physically sick to go to them.
Choose your mate wisely. If a woman does not treat you as if you were the salt of the earth, dump her ass. If there is anythign strange about her, dump her ass. If she hates her dad, dump her ass. If she is controlling, dump her ass. SHE WILL ONLY GET WORSE. HER SOUL SUCKING CENTER WILL EVENTUALLY SPREAD OUT AND SUCK YOU, YOUR FAMILY, YOU KIDS AND EVERYONE ELSE DOWN, SO THAT SHE FEELS MORE POWERFUL. AND SHE WILL ENJOY IT.
James..
You said..
Choose your mate wisely. If a woman does not treat you as if you were the salt of the earth, dump her ass. If there is anythign strange about her, dump her ass. If she hates her dad, dump her ass. If she is controlling, dump her ass. SHE WILL ONLY GET WORSE. HER SOUL SUCKING CENTER WILL EVENTUALLY SPREAD OUT AND SUCK YOU, YOUR FAMILY, YOU KIDS AND EVERYONE ELSE DOWN, SO THAT SHE FEELS MORE POWERFUL. AND SHE WILL ENJOY IT.
Well,
My story is almost like yours.. But my ex was an incredible charmer at first.. I never been love bomb so hard and now I know it was an act. if it is too good to be true, more than likely it is. Once she got her hooks into me.. God, the devaluation was terrible.. She eventually left me for a man she had an affair with which brings me to similarities like yours..
At the first 4 way with lawyers.. she wanted supervised visits 15 minutes only..
Her lawyer said no as well as mine.. I got an hour.. she called me to meet her at McDonalds and after I got the boys out.. She instantly start to verbally attack me. She told me she will never let me see the boys again and she told my son I was an idiot while shaking him. I told her to let the lawyers work this out and I tried to leave.. She tried to stop me from getting to the car and had her hands all in my face.. She had her hands on my chest and I brushed them off and then she started yelling assault and called 911. I then sat in my car and waited for police.. she barred the door open with her body screaming assault until the cops came. The did not arrest me but the next day she filed a restraining order.. I lost my boys then… I got to see them for one hour twice a week later.. By this time my boys have been manipulated. My younger son was telling me to go away stupid, we don’t want you. He kept running away and telling me i love Jason.. Jason loves mama.. Mama loves Jason.. I love Jason.. I hate you.. It broke my heart and I still am sad over it. The parental alienation still exist passively, my boys tell my friends and other people they meet that I am not their father that Jason is but we have to call him that.. I can tell when she gives them an order.. she will interrogate the boys and target people that my boys meet.. and it is really obvious… like if the boys are program.. everything is fine and then they start doing something wacked like if I hold my girl friends had and the boys first saw this.. they start a rehearsed act between both boys on degrading my girl friend when both were acting fine earlier.. I would ask why would you do this and they said mama told us too.. One time I went to the substation to pick up the boys.. my ex kept approaching me very close and aggressive and would not listen to me to stay back.. I grab my boys hands and tried to leave the substation.
As I was walking out of the car with the boys.. She yelled out something and the boys ran from me and hide behind her. I could not believe the control she has on the boys.. She would not let me have the boys and the police made her give me the boys.. Then she turned the incident all around on court documents.. It was a planned incident.. Her mother was waiting outside with a camera.. She brings her boyfriend to the police station to transfer the boys.. I just seeing the man she had an affair transfer the boys to me. I ask her politely to keep him away and the next day she brings him within 5 ft of me and holding hands like a lovely couple.. hugging the boys in front of me and telling them he loves them..
the last drop off my son came back in from the outside and asked me to find his hat. I was not thinking so I went outside and my ex kept her distance. As soon as I got the door open, she was there looking inside and start yelling at me.. Next the boy friend zoom up in his car and startled me.. head light in my face with a quick stop.. It scared the shit out of me.. I cant defend my self because I just recently blew out both knees and had 3 surgeries on both knees.. the surgery fail the first time and my tendons are weak and really rotten.. One scuffle and if they blow.. my surgeon said I will be a cripple.. I just got into my car and since her boyfriends car blocked the path back to the police station and I could not easily get back on foot. I just left all confused.. later I called the police station and his car blocked the cameras..
I have terrible nights mares of being thrown in jail by my ex..
I understand what you are going through and I hope the best for you..
Jon
James, your last paragraph rings so very true. Wish I had read it 27 years ago. Every few years she would threaten div. We went to a psychologist for joint marriage counseling for 5 years under threat of div. I went for private counseling with the same shrink under threat of div. Each time she threatened, which also happened in front of our shrink, I would always beg her not to, “for the sake of the kids” LOL, and she would relent. After 27 yrs, I finally had enough and said, “I’ll follow your lead”. This, too, was in front of our shrink. I could see just a little disappointment in her expression, that I wasn’t begging her to stay and saying that “I will change, just give it more time”! Just a few weeks prior to that, My soon to be X brings up the fact that our shrink is on his 3rd marriage! How ironic is that?!!!!!
We shared a computer for paying bills and emailing, etc., and I was able to see her emails and IM exchanges. That’s when I saw all the vile and disgusting things she was telling EVERYONE, all lies, about me and how EVERYTHING was my fault, that she was the one responsible for my business success and it was me who turned our divorce nasty. But everyone already knows that type of person. She definitely has a combination of BPD and NPD which I found out from my new psychiatrist that a person doesn’t have to exhibit all of the traits of one to be classified as a nut-job.
Back to the topic. One day I’m standing in the kitchen and I hear knocking/banging on the garage door. She walks in all huffy and accuses me of locking her out. We have always used the garage to come into the house and don’t even carry house keys. I say, “what are you talking about, then how did you just get in?”. I hear her on her cell phone talking to a friend because she always tells everyone everything and she’s telling her that I locked her out. A few weeks later, I’m doing my laundry at 10 PM in preparation to visit my son at camp the following day. She had her wash in there so I just put it in a basket to do mine. Two hours later, I’m on my second load and she comes home and starts ranting that she wants to finish hers and that it wasn’t my day. She had been harassing me for months prior, so I asked her if I could have Saturdays to do my mine since I often worked late. She never answered but, all of a sudden, its not my day. She storms over to the laundry room and starts tossing my wet clothes out of the dryer. I try to catch what she is throwing and put it back and we kinda bump together. She gets a look of outrage on her face, storms into her bedroom and calls the police. I call my 18yo son to rush home to be witness in case she starts more of a commotion before the police arrive and so he can actually see what has happened. Police arrive and she’s out in the driveway talking to them. Police call me on my cell and tell me to come out to the driveway. I talk to them and tell them my side, that we had a verbal argument which they said was what my wife had told them. They ask me if I would leave for the night because of the tension and I tell them she has made sure that I have no friends and that I had no place to go, that she has plenty of friends and her mother lives in the next town. They talk to her, she is extremely unhappy that I won’t leave but she decides to go. Police tell me she said she was just going to head right up to my son’s camp which seemed odd because it’s 4 hours away and it’s already 2 AM. I arrive at camp the next day and she isn’t there. She comes up the following day with restraining order in hand. My attorney calls me and tells me I can’t go home! Turns out she was with her scumbag attorney the very next morning and filed domestic violence charges against me. In the complaint she says that I was “yelling, screaming, pushing and shoving”. Long story short, the police report confirmed what actually happened, saying we had a “verbal disagreement that turned into a verbal argument”. Even with that, she wouldn’t drop the charges and they wanted to wait for the 911 tape. In that tape, she did say that I “pushed” (singular tense) her but never any “pushing, shoving, yelling and screaming” and her tone was not that of a person who was just assaulted. But, she still wouldn’t drop the charges. On the day of my trial, we also had a mediation panel with two other divorce attorneys scheduled at the courthouse. First thing out of their mouths, in front of her and her attorney, was that these DV cases usually end in favor of the plaintiff and that I should plead to voluntary restraint which would have had the same result, that is, I would be excluded from my house and wouldn’t be allowed to be present during property negotiations but, no criminal record. I told both of them, while looking at my wife and her attorney, that I would not be kicked out of my house because of her lies and, that after sitting with him the next morning, her story changed from a push, to “pushing, shoving, yelling and screaming”. At the end of that, there was no time for my trial and it was adjourned for 3 weeks. At the end of the trial the judge said in essence, that she started the confrontation and if there was any bumping or such, she deserved it, but not in so many words. He also ended by saying, “I am compelled to find for the defendant”. Knowing they had a very week case, my wife had her friends there to testify that she called them to tell them I had locked her out of the house. The judge didn’t let them testify at all. She tried to introduce emails from me that were a year old as to my abusive behavior, but the judge wouldn’t allow that in either without all the other emails that led up to that email. My kids were in court to testify that she was a nut just in case but we didn’t need to call them. My attorney thought their presence would cause her to drop the charges. I had to educate my attorney as to BPD and NPD afterward, not that it would have helped. My wife left but we waited for the written order. The bailiff then said to us, “that’s not even in the top 10, her own evidence did her in!” He told us about his divorce and that his wife wouldn’t let it go either. For him, it would have ruined his career as he would no longer be able to possess a gun. It’s my wife’s personality disorder, along with her extremely warped sense of entitlement, that just wouldn’t allow her to let it go. Warped entitlement goes hand in hand with these disorders.
Here’s my advice, yes, always have your pocket recorder with you. But, what I also did was to stop talking to her entirely and told her, since she always twists and lies about EVERYTHING, that everything had to be in writing or in an email. I had done that a year prior to her DV charges and it did help in that she could never say that I said such and such because I always had the emails as proof. I also learned the hard way something my attorney told me, “your friends will always believe you, but your enemies never will”. I sent out emails to friends and family trying to expose her lies and how she turned everything nasty but that only backfired since the disordered person is very personable and always plays the victim so very well and poisons all of your (former) joint friends against you. They are now your “enemies”, as such and will always believe her and not you! The emails have also served as a journal of sorts, of all of my offers for both of us to start cooperating and her refusals, her nastiness etc., and acts as proof to my kids and my family that I have always acted in good faith and they see her for what she is and for what she has done.
This actually happened to me. Not with my wife, she is a good woman but with a PSYCHO Ex GF. Luckily for me she wasn’t the sharpest knife in the draw & accused me of hitting her at a time when my band was doing a show in front of over 3,000 screaming witnesses. She was even crazy enough to actually hit herself several times to cause bruises on her face. Since I was at the show when the police showed up I was arrested the following morning. They claimed I must have ran.
BUT the big problem is even though the charges were proven false I was arrested, had to post $500 bail, had to hire a lawyer (another $1,500) to prove them false, had to pay a private investigator (another $700) for the same reason. To top it off I now CAN NOT get that arrest removed from the record so I will ALWAYS have it on my record. Prior to that I had never even had a speeding ticket.
After the charges were dropped I demanded that she be arrested for filing a false report. The police wouldn’t do anything even though they had to take hours on this case,costing the tax payer thousands. But I went to the D A & demanded action. I got a female D A who HATED psycho women..lol Still after she was arrested the judge threw it out. Why? Because this is CORRUPT Louisiana & her father worked for the Sheriff’s department. Even the D A was really pissed.
So what did she learn? She learned that she can do this again & face no consiquences. She further learned that she can make these claims & cost her poor victim THOUSANDS of dollars in defending themselves.
I guess this incident of herself being arrested scared her long enough to get her out of my life. Some time ago however I ran into a lady she knows who informed me that she had since married, he left her because of her abuse & you guessed it. She did it to him, once again she was arrested for filing a false report & the SAME JUDGE threw the case out.
Oh & BTW what was my BIG offense that set her off? Well after only 6 months or so of dating I saw the warning signs of her temper, her jealousy (I’m a drummer in a rock band being with jealous women just doesn’t work) I broke up with her. I further had the audacity to have the city police come out & they removed her from my property for banging on my door at 2am & threatening to kill me, burn my house down & cut my balls off. 911 got all the threats on tape but wouldn’t actually arrest her. Their reason as told to me by the police. “Well you are a man, you can handle her”.
On recording or taping…
Check the laws of your state and consult CRIMINAL attorney (your divorce attorney may not know this stuff). Not telling you not to document, just do it right and know what YOUR rights are.
Police reports. We (meaning the Police) get it. I will be able to tell if you are shitting me or really need a report to help you deal with your psycho girlfriend / wife / ex, etc. I can tell you how to get a protective order, get most of your stuff out of the house and not get arrested, if I am convinced you are not the abusive nutty one.
Threats by her to call the cops or what to do if she calls the Police.
DO NOT EVER HIT HER UNLESS SHE IS TRYING TO KILL YOU! In most states if there are signs of combat, injury, phone ripped out of wall, etc. someone is going to jail. Usually the party with the penis.
Do not EVER stop her from calling the Police. Arrestable offense in most states by itself and usually requires a trip to jail and in front of a judge.
If the Police are called…DO NOT LEAVE. Get safe and stay put. I can’t tell you how many times someone involved in a domestic would not speak with the police or took off and got locked up. We later learn that he was not at fault and would have taken extraordinary measures to NOT lock him up if he had stayed put and told us the other side of the story.
If you get arrested COOPERATE. Ask for your attorney and ride it out. Only give a statement if you are UTTERLY certain you did nothing wrong. NEVER give a statement while drunk, high or medicated. PERIOD.
Better to fight stuff in court than to fight with the Police. I have had to testify in domestic violence court twice in twenty years. Play the odds on this one, they are usually in your favor as long as you cooperate.
Avoid the trick bag. True story.
Man arrives home from work. Wife starts pushing all his buttons and physically touching him. Pokes him in the chest, pushes him. Nothing to leave marks just highly insulting. The one and only time in 12 years of marriage he slaps her. Once. Leaves a red hand shaped print on her face. She calls the Police and spins her (rehearsed) tale of woe. He gets locked up and takes the mandatory trip to jail to answer to the judge in bond court. Bonds out the next morning and gets a cab home. The house is completely empty. I mean NOTHING. She left his clothes and a shaving kit in the yard. Guess what…she never showed for court and did not contest the divorce because she had already emptied out the bank accounts, maxed the credit cards and took it all. The Police later learn from neighbors that she had a moving truck and help show up about 45 minutes after he as arrested and she gave her statement.
You are not a wimp or unmanly for calling the Police. We would rather referee than arrest you. We certainly do not want to arrest your crazed soon to be ex-wife as for some of us (me) that is just too much like being at home.
Hi Tara,
Thanks for the advice. My soon-to-be Ex said she was calling the police just a week or two ago. The thing that started it was that I said that I was happy to make myself available to help her at amy time provided she let me know when she needed help. Yeah, that’s right! I was offering to help her! Incredibly, that moved into her accusing me, saying “I can’t trust you!” and me “over-reacting”!!! Well there was no abuse just a man offering to help his former wife of 20 years.
It’s a mad world with the NPD/BPD but I was chilled when she reached out and grabbed the phone. I mean I really thought that she was going to call the “boys in blue” to take me away in the Paddy Wagon. So thanks for validating what I suspected: this was a very bad case of mental and emotional abuse from the Abuse-Meister!
I will now make sure that I record any argument on my mobile phone. It has a great sound recorder. Also the best way to avoid a fight is just NOT be in the same room as the FP (Former Partner). I hope to leave her in about 4 weeks after the house is sold. Till then, I am just keeping away avoiding her like The Plague.
Woah!! It’s a mad, mad world with a NPD/BPD!!
Of all the scary and crazy things of which these types are capable, I think this is some of the worst of it.
I had an unpleasant experience where a girl from my work, that I believe had Borderline Personality Disorder, tried to get me fired from my job after I told her to stop calling me (while neither of us where on duty). All the unnecessary calls I was receiving, aside from pissing my girlfriend off when we were out together, it was, in addition, tough to go back to sleep after she was calling and waking me up out of a dead sleep during times she would call me when I was trying to sleep before I came into work at midnight. After I told her to stop calling me, she responded by attempting to get me terminated from my job by creating a false allegation saying I had followed her out of the parking lot after work (in a stalking type manner) when in actuality I was simply leaving the lot to begin my duties for the night. Fortunately I was working for a good employer that investigated the matter and didn’t just terminate me because “she said so.” I told the management to look at the Nextel phone records, which I was assigned when I was hired on, which showed a lengthy track record of how many times she was calling me when neither of us were on duty. The whole thing blew over after she brought her allegations to the human resources, however, less than a year later she attempted to get yet another co-worker terminated, this time by coaching other female employees of being sexually harassing by this older man. She wanted another co-worker fired and she was going to have other co-workers do it for her, but her plot was foiled when several of the women started coming forward to the management and explained how they were being “coached” by the same girl that tried to get me fired. I think they about had it with her at that point and responded by terminating her employment.
In general, these people destroy relationship after relationship of everyone that’s around them. What this equates to in the work force is – they try and get their co-workers fired. Many of them are smokers that have additional substance abuse problems, as did this girl, and seem to be easily obsessed with anger, hate and revenge which they use to their advantage. They can be quite cleaver in fabricating stories of wrongdoing of abuse when going around playing the roll of a victim wherever they go.
The False allegations brought on by people with Borderline Personality Disorder are more common than people realize and is something that very few people understand. However there are entire legal teams that are dedicated in defending people against frivolous and malicious lawsuits brought on by people with the disorder. Some studies suggest that in almost all of the cases where a thorough psychological evaluation was performed on both parties, in the cases where the evidence showed that the allegations were false, almost all (75%) of the falsely accusing plaintiffs were diagnosed with BPD. Ever seen the movies Play Misty for Me or 1987 Fatal Attraction starring Glenn Close?? Both movies depict BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) and explains a lot.
This is a elaborated one, please spare my post.
Whenever there is a small arguement at our house, my wife threans me that she would call police/put a case against me for domestic voilence. This has been happening for a while. A few minutes ago, she threw a sharp object (scissor) thrice and i was able to escape everytime, thanks to my flexibility. when she comes to me furiously like that, sometimes I have to hold/stop her for (my) self protection and when I touch her once for my own safety, she threatens me with the domestice violence act.
This is just one way of threatening me. With the Indian(from Asia) background, I can’t go out and publicly say/scream that she is beating me (yes she beats me and say if I touch her she will do something to herself and file a compliant).Recently she started threatening/blackmailing me that she would tell my parents about the spats we have (she wants to expose
them as bigger issues) and also scares me that when she goes to India she will file a 498 (indian domestic violence section) against them. My parents already had this kind of problem with my brother’s wife in India and they were all cleared by the local court and the other party cancelled their case against my parents agreeing that they did a mistake. My parents and myself (my borther’s issue happened before my marriage) went through real tough times during that period. My wife knows this and she threatens me she would give me a more horrible time to me and my parents.
Last but not least, she creates pictures/photos of her with some bruises/skin allergic reactions(whatever might be the cause; we recently had some pet/dog flees/bugs infested into our apartment – her skin is sensitive) and tells me that she would use them as eveidence to prove that I attacked her.
I am perplexed. This kind of behavior is causing me some problems. I feel like i have to see an attorney and before that i may have to see a Doctor for the stress on me.
I know this post is years old, but I would love to talk to one of you guys about a similar issue I am facing.
I’m not sure if I would have read these posts 23 years ago it would have kept me from marrying my wife no matter what. We dated for a year, she was beautiful, sweet, kind and an RN. I was well off and successful and full of confidence I could overcome anything in life. First married we had some petty arguments like most couples do, but I remember the first year she got a restraining order which kept me out of the house for a week. In Washington State, all you have to do is go to court exparte and tell the court you feel threatened and are scared and give them a couple of examples like he yelled at me and broke a dish etc. etc. and they will grant the RO.
After a week I came back home and we built our new house and I thought it was all a fluke but over the next few years she called the police 4 or 5 more times, cost me all sorts of grief. Charges always dropped but what a pain. 7 Years later she gets another RO, and while Im kicked out of the house she files divorce, and Im lucky to get some clothes and live in a motel. We get divorced finally, with 2 small kids i missed terribly. I probably will never get married again because of the pain divorce is, if for no other reason. After 2 years or so I meet a new girlfriend and try to pick up my life again, still miss my kids a lot (weekend dad) and still had feelings for my ex. Then 2 years later one night she leaves a message how she hates her life and is so miserable, the next day she comes to pick up the kids and asks me to move to a new city with her, Im all over myself and gladly pick up and go with her. After 4 years, one day her 32 year old son is staying in our house for a week, sleeping in my bed, sponging money of his mom for the 100th time, has never worked and so I have some words with him about him returning to his home now cause he doesn’t live with us and has stayed long enough. We are yelling at each other and she calls the cops, I end up spending the night in jail, asking myself how could so much time have gone by and Im right back where I began at. Anyway we continued to live together for 6 more years, our kids were teenagers now and needed me a lot, she stayed in bed everyday and didnt do much, she was chronically ill and taking lots of pain meds everyday. She called the cops on me about 15 more times over these 6 years, the only person who ever got arrest was her once, and then the last time they said if they keep getting these calls someone may be arrested for abusing 911. She also went to the ER 6 times during the 4 years from taking to many meds. I didn’t feel like I could leave, and leave my kids with her, and I felt guilty to leave her so helpless or take the kids away from her, I did petition court and got custody just in case. Well finally a few months ago she od and died in our home, and now I feel so guilty and devastated. I know in hindsight it was an unhealthy relationship, I believe I was a codependent in a very big way, but now there is nothing that can be said anymore and of course my kids miss having a mom in their lives. I cant help feel I played a big part in this. She often accused me of not being supportive, looking at other women and all that stuff. I did get angry oftne the last few years, I did everything to take care of the house, kids, bills, etc, while she would leave her garbage laying around the house, lay in bed all day and night, except when she needed to go get her RX from the doctor. She spent her SSDI money on whatever she wanted including helping out her 34 yo unemployed son, while I had to pay all our living expenses and food. As I look back I feel really bad for her, but I also feel bad for myself for allowing myself to fall into this situation. After 4 or 5 calls to the cops it should of been pretty obvious what I needed to do. She always use to say how much she hated her dad and her 2 brothers, that she wished her dad would just die. She even called the cops on one of our boys 5 times, finally getting him arrested and charged with felony assault, while I was away from the house due to a RO. It sucks! I suggest to any of you guys, like so many other posts here in , if you have a gf or wife and she is playing these games, or hates her dad, or has other personality issues, donnt waste your time, just leave. Even if you have kids, because you never know what will happen down the road and god forbid something serious happens to her, you could be blamed for it if not by the law, perhaps by your children or others, or even blame yourself, such are the issues I now find myself having to deal with.
Stew, sorry for your suffering. On an emotional level sounds a lot like what I went through. I didn’t have the RO or police issues/involvement…but…I kept going back to my crazy ex-Hitler again & again. Wanted to be there for the kids, broke my heart not to be there for them. Wanted to support her, love her, mend her, fix her. And I got played pretty bad too like you. Codependency or whatever it is. Its easy to beat yourself up. And we all make mistakes, goofs, errors. Yet you and I know in our hearts we wanted to make things work out, we weren’t playing with the other person, we weren’t using them. Thats one of the many major differences between us & them. We were sincere and loved and felt something, anything…while our ex-Hitlers were just using us and playing with us, playing the system, and damaging everyone in the process and they didn’t give a crap about it, only their own narcissistic needs and perceived injuries.
While our situations are not ideal, remember it could always be worse. You could be in prison, or you could have ended up like Travis Alexander (Jodi Arias’ ex-boyfriend that she murdered).
Your story is so much like mine. I’m glad I found out this site as I feel so trapped, abused and resentful. My wife always had major issues with being honest, raging out for unknown reasons and drug addiction.
We first met in 2002 and was then addicted to Soma, which is a muscle relaxer which, when too much is taken, causes a person to turn to jelly both in the brain and the body. Often time she would pass out and I would call 911. She told me she had low potassium and that’s what caused this. I was so stupid I fell for this. Even when she got angry for me calling for help, I still couldn’t see through this obvious deceit. Even my friends and neighbors told me she seemed drunk or ‘on something’ but I just refused to believe anything. I later found out what was happening after piecing together all the questions from emergency room staff and teachers but she still denied that she was taking drugs.
Once a month, she ended up at the emergency room. Often time covered in bruises from all the times she had fallen down. I was always the one who called emergency services because I didn’t know what else to do and did not want her her to hurt herself as I still loved her. She soon quit her ‘fun job’ at the bakery and was fired from a good job at the insurance agency. There was a lot of documentation showing that she was impaired at work. In the next 10 years or so, she had only two jobs lasting maybe 6 months at the most. Again, she was fired for the same reasons. She also had two dui’s and numerous other accidents where she somehow didn’t get caught being impaired. Over time she had switched from
This went on for several years with so many time her walking around the house falling down stairs or otherwise destroying herself and the house. I can’t count how much money I have spent cleaning up her messes. She has lost or destroyed 4 cars and damaged the carpet in three different homes enough that they had to be completely replaced. I should have recognized what a toxic person she was at that time but somehow convinced myself that god had put me with her because she needs my help and I am so patient and forgiving. That unfortunately, has been the cause of much verbal abuse, threats, blackmail, theft, slander and so many other awful things that she has done to me because she knows that I will always forgive her.
Unfortunately, I married her six years ago both because I love her and she demanded that in addition to me paying for everything that I also provide her with health insurance. Stupid me, I thought that if she felt like she had a loving home and a loving husband that she would feel better about herself and start to enjoy life. It’s the one or two days a month where she acts normal and we are loving together that has kept me going.
To this day, I try to make her feel better because I feel sorry for her. This always backfires with her starting a fight, me pointing out what she is trying to do and her flying into a rage when confronted. She has over the past 2 years started to threaten to blackmail me by calling the police and claiming that I attacked. She behaves JUST like item 4. She acts EXACTLY as described below. After reading up on BPD, this is her TO A TEE. I am very sad to hear that others are going through the same thing but somehow very grateful to have heard that I am not alone and that I can protect myself.
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“Oftentimes, this kind of woman will try to back you into a corner and get in your face while she provokes/rages at you in an effort to get you to push her away. If she succeeds, she can then claim you shoved her and this can land you in jail.
Most importantly, do not hit her—even if she’s begging you to do so. These sick twists will actually taunt you, “You want to hit me now, don’t you? Why don’t you hit me? What’s the matter, big man? Scared of a woman? Go on, hit me you big p*ssy. Show me how tough you are.” If your wife/girlfriend engages in this kind of behavior, it’s almost a guarantee that she’ll eventually call the cops. Again, this is extremely sick behavior and you need to seriously consider what you’re still doing in this relationship.
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Just today, I laid next to her to watch some television. Just to be around her and relax. Her first comment as usual no matter what time of day was “I don’t feel good” and “I think I’m just going to sleep” with the same quasi angry look on her face. She then proceeded to start a fight saying that I owed her $20K because she blew through her ‘inheritance’ from her mother, who is still alive. She just told me it was a scam and that her mother had piled up medical bills and so sold her house, gave the proceeds to her two daughters, who are both drug addicts, and hid the money so that she could file bankruptcy and keep her money. My wife, despite my warnings, and constant reminders to use a credit card I give her for household expenses and her ‘savings’ for emergency only or to invest it, blew through it for doctors/pharmacies/streets wherever she can get oxycontin.
Oh yeah, she switched to oxycontin 5 or 6 years ago and gets prescribed like 200-300 pills a month, which she always completely finishes within a week or so. When she’s on the ‘medication’ for her many ‘pains’ she is very impulsive and childish but usually in a playful mood, often giving her medicine to her other drug addict friends or spending what little money she has on junk food, fast food and of course, anything related to getting more oxycontin and other drugs. This is the one or two days she will maniacally but not carefully clean the house. The rest of the time the place looks like shit. I work and pay for every last expense and also give her several hundred dollars a month including having bought her 2 cars and paying for all her car insurance and gas. Once’s she’s done with the monthly drugs prescribed, she is usually normal for 1 or two days until the withdrawls sets in. At this point she will often start to rage out against everybody. Her mother, myself, her sister and even her junkie friends on occasion. This pattern repeats every single month. No fail.
So anyway, she now alternates and often combines threatening divorce and ‘taking everything’ from me or calling the police and claiming that I abuse her if I don’t give her what she wants. This is now happening on a weekly basis. Just the other day she threatened that she was going to kill me in my sleep.
I’ve finally had enough and I’m so glad I found this article. I am getting voice activated recorder today. I am also planning to reach out to authorities but am scared that this will somehow get twisted or she will find out and try and falsely accuse me of something I didn’t do. I know I have to get out of this situation but I just feel like the deck is stacked against me.
So what if you are a college student with a mother who is physically and mentally ill and no siblings or dad…you moved her into your apt while away at school because she was expoited on her own…only to be told she is telling everyone you are abusive and that cops have come to arrest you three times while you were out?
That is where I am at.
Mom evidently has been doing it a while. I do not know how to protect myself and her too. I am kinda scared. She has a jail record for theft and I have none. I am doing well in studies and hope to have a good life but mom does not seem to get that her desire to say that to people is why cops come.
I was here in my living room with a housekeeper and mom out of the blue said she was glad when i was gone so I would not abuse her! I said in astonshment and embarrassment that it is my home and I expect to be respected in it so if she talks that way I will leave even though I had just flown home that afternoon…and she grinned and said Good! Then a few moments later she rearranged events and said she had not said that.
Again if anybody has sound advice how to protect her and me FROM her…she sees according to her 11 social workers?…I will appreciate it.
Thank you.
I just had a gf, well not ex threaten to call the police on me. We got in a fight because she said she wanted to be a web cam girl, and obviously I wans’t ok with that. So we break up, and she wants ot use my computer again. I told her she no longer gets the right to use my things. Then she says she is going to call the police. Then changes it to so she can get her things out of my apartment, which I said was fine. But she threatened to call the cops soon as I said you cant use my pc anymore. So messed up. Will never date a girl who tries to call the cops.
Oh how I don’t miss the cop calling threats. My ex loved to call the cops (or at least pretend to) and one time he actually did. It was a theatrical production and was done because I went to his house after an argument, unannounced. I’d never had anyone call the police on me before. But I should have known better because he threatened to call them in the past over trivial matters.
Even now that it’s over I’m still scarred from this abusive tactic that he used to the end. I’m realizing it was all about power and control. I’ve dated different types of men but I’ve never had a run-in with someone like that.
I know now that anyone who threatens to call the police (and you’re not attacking them, threatening them or even raising your voice) is a dangerous person. You cannot trust them. When things ended with us (and of course another police threat was thrown in there) and we would speak to each other in person, I always had a friend or family member waiting in a nearby car or off to the side. Ironically this wasn’t planned, I just happened to be with other people at the time. The ex couldn’t stand that and now I know why: he didn’t want me to have any witnesses.
The last time I ever saw him he tried to take my picture. I told him that was so inappropriate and unnecessary and again, a way to control and humiliate me. He then pretended to call the police because I wanted him to delete my picture and he said to his imaginary 911 operator that I was threatening him! Good thing I recorded the entire conversation and had been doing that for months, just in case. Anyway, I knew then how low he could go and I didn’t think he could go any lower. False accusations are horrible and I’d never felt so betrayed. I have to deal with him now because of a legal issue (his own stuff) and I allow my attorney to deal with him. I would suggest that everyone involved with a BPD or narcissist should hire an attorney or middleman. If you must communicate with them, do it only by text. If you have to see them in person make sure there’s a witness or some type of recording going on. I would never be with them alone in any room; public places only.
I am a woman who is facing the same problem most men are facing. My men calls the police every time we have a problem and he lies to them so much… We live in a foreign Portugues speaking country. I can’t speak Portuguese and he can. Police Illtreat me, on top of that, they don’t listen to me coz they don’t understand English either. Its really painful. Believe me I understand the feeling men have with their abusive women. In my relationship, it’s like I am the man being abused by my police calling man.