Divorcing a narcissist or borderline isn’t just the end of a marriage—it’s stepping into a battlefield, where understanding the narcissist’s stages of grievance is a matter of self-defense. Previously, in Narcissists Don’t Feel Grief—They Feel Aggrieved—in High-Conflict Divorce, I explored how narcissists and borderlines react to loss as a threat to their false self, leading to aggression rather than grief. It is their deep sense of grievance, not grief, that drives their destructive behavior in high-conflict divorce.
In this second part, I examine the specific stages of grievance that replace a healthy grief process in these individuals. Understanding these stages is essential for anyone divorcing a partner with narcissistic, borderline, and other antisocial traits. Their distorted responses can profoundly impact your well-being and that of your children, making it vital to anticipate and prepare for the challenges ahead.
The Narcissist’s Stages of Grievance
Healthy, non-disordered individuals typically go through five stages of grief as described by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her seminal work, On Death and Dying (1969): denial, anger, bargaining, sadness, and acceptance. They process grief or threats to their identity by reflecting, seeking support, and gradually accepting the loss. While they experience pain, they usually don’t feel compelled to destroy the source of it.
In contrast, narcissists and borderlines, who lack healthy coping mechanisms and emotional maturity, default to aggression and other destructive behaviors to defend their fragile self-constructs. Narcissists don’t feel grief as others do; instead, they feel aggrieved, and this manifests as grievance. This distortion of the grief process is more accurately described as aggrievement—a fixation on grievance—rather than the healing process of bereavement.
Narcissists, borderlines, and other chronically immature people typically begin this grievance process in denial and quickly spiral into rage-fueled retaliation against perceived slights to their false self. While healthy individuals eventually move toward acceptance, narcissist remain trapped in anger, grievance, and a toxic victim mindset.
Stage 1: Denial
The first stage of grievance mirrors the denial stage in Kübler-Ross’s model. When a narcissist or borderline receives divorce papers but refuses to accept the reality. They insist it’s just a phase you’re going through or that you’re not serious. Or, that you would never “abandon” them or the kids.
They might say, “You’re just angry, but you’ll calm down,” or “You won’t really go through with this; you know you’d never do that to the kids.” In this case, denial is a defense mechanism to protect the false self from the immediate threat of their five fears discussed in part one of this series—the fears of rejection, loss of narcissistic supply, abandonment, feeling inferior or inadequate and exposure. This stage often sets the false victim narrative for then becomes a high-conflict divorce or custody battle.
Stage 2: Anger
As denial crumbles, the narcissist transitions into anger—an intense, vindictive rage rooted in the perceived threat to their control and self-image. This isn’t just ordinary anger; it’s a fury that often leads to threats and aggressive behavior.
While healthier individuals might think, “I’m hurt,” a narcissist or borderline instead thinks, “I’m hurt. It’s all your fault. You’re going to pay for this.” For instance, a narcissist might lash out with baseless legal threats or smear campaigns designed to damage your reputation. If the narcissist still views you as viable supply and doesn’t have backup or new supply waiting in the wings, their survival instincts might temporarily restrain a more extreme response.
Stage 3: Bargaining
When anger fails to restore their sense of control, narcissists enter the bargaining stage. This phase of aggrievement shares some superficial similarities with the bargaining stage in the traditional grief process. In a healthier adult, bargaining often involves “what if” self-recrimination, such as, “What if I’d done this… If only I’d done that…” Feelings of guilt, shame, fear, and self-blame are common. Consequently, grieving individuals make deals with themselves, their partners, their bosses, or their families to not feel the pain of loss.
In contrast, grievance-driven bargaining isn’t a sincere plea for reconciliation to avoid the pain of losing a treasured relationship but a manipulative tactic to protect the false self. For narcissists, it’s about avoiding the loss of narcissistic supply and feeling inferior. Typically, narcissists and borderlines engage in magical thinking, believing that suddenly cleaning the house, cooking a few meals, or going from no sex to constant sex can make everything “okay” again. This is where the Hoover technique comes into play—a manipulative tactic where the narcissist or borderline tries to lure you back with promises of change, love-bombing, guilt trips, emotional blackmail, intimidation, and bullying.
Bargaining is also an indirect admission of being a bad partner. The narcissist or borderline bargains to do things in the relationship they know you’ve wanted all along but couldn’t be bothered doing due to their self-centeredness, entitlement, and lack of empathy. For instance, a narcissist might suddenly promise to attend therapy, even after years of refusing to do so, just to prevent you from leaving. However, they don’t offer these concessions because they recognize their selfishness is wrong—remember, they see themselves as special, entitled victims—but because their false self is threatened by the prospect of losing.
They attempt this via:
- Empty Promises to Improve: “We’ll go to couples therapy. I promise to be more understanding. Give me another chance and everything will be as it once was once upon a love bombing time on Prancing Unicorn Rainbow Nonstop Sex Island. EMERGENCY BLOWJOB!!!!“
- Pity Plays and Guilt Trips: “Blah, blah, whine, whine, sniffle, sniffle, feel sorry for me” or “Think of the children! Do you want them to come from a broken home?!“
- Blame Shifting and Victim Playing: “This all is your fault, not mine. You owe me. This always happens to me. You know my dad abandoned me and now you are, too. You’re a narcissist just like him!“
- Loss of Love and Companionship Scare Tactics: “No one else could love you. No one else could put up with you. You’ll die alone without anyone to care about you.“
- Hierarchy of Need Scare Tactics: “You won’t be able to survive without me. You can’t support yourself without me. You can’t even manage to get out the door in the morning without me doing everything for you!“
- Emotional Blackmail: “I will kill myself if you leave me, and it will be all your fault!“
- Intimidation and Bullying: “You’ll never see the kids again. I’ll get the house and all the savings, and if I don’t it’ll all go to the attorneys! I’ll destroy your career. Everyone at church will know what a monster you are.“
These are nothing more than manipulative tactics to regain power and control over the relationship. Any change they promise will likely be temporary, followed by increased resentment for having had to “play nice.” On the other hand, the threats are probably all very real. When these manipulative tactics inevitably fail, the narcissist’s anger resurfaces with even greater intensity, so plan for it and protect yourself as best as you can.
Stage 4: Anger
This is where the surface similarities between the stages of grief and grievance end. When bargaining Hoovers fail, narcissists and borderlines revert back to anger. This isn’t just a return to their previous anger; it’s a deeper, more vindictive rage, fueled by their inability to control you and the situation.
At this stage, they begin formulating plans to get even, even if they were the ones who initiated the breakup. In their minds, you should have enthusiastically tolerated their abuse because they believe you deserve it. In fact, they think you should welcome their abuse. Scratch that—they don’t see themselves as abusive! In their distorted thinking, you’re the one who made them treat you this way. You should be grateful they even allow you to enable them!
This is when scorched-earth tactics in high-conflict divorce, custody, and personal matters escalate, including parental alienation, smear campaigns, and financial sabotage. These tactics can sometimes backfire on them, resulting in losses of money and custody. However, getting them to see this is nearly impossible. These individuals frequently reverse cause and effect, claiming victimhood when, in reality, they are the aggressors—a tactic known as DARVO (Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender).
Stage 5: Anger
The final and permanent stage of grievance is marked by even greater anger, rooted in the narcissist’s refusal to manage loss and what they perceive as defeat. For instance, they view shared custody and an equal distribution of marital assets as a personal loss. In their eyes, any outcome that is fair to both parties is a defeat. Unable to smite their “enemy” (you), they become more unhinged, more malicious, and continue making increasingly outrageous false accusations.
Like a dictator in a bunker, surrounded by their most stalwart enablers and ordering the destruction of their own citizens, narcissists refuse to accept loss or defeat. They disregard court orders, financial settlements, restraining orders, and custody agreements, believing that the rules don’t apply to them. When female narcissists lose in family court, they often rage against what they perceive as a biased and rigged system, despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary.
Even after the legal battles have ended and the children have become adults, these individuals find ways to express their unresolved rage. They may target you, the children, your friends, the kids’ therapists, your individual therapist, their attorney(s), your attorney—anyone they believe has wronged them. This behavior perpetuates high-conflict custody disputes and keeps you locked in a cycle of never-ending grievances until you can finally escape it once the youngest child turns 18.
The Narcissist’s Anger Never Ends
There is typically no end to a narcissist’s aggrievement and grievances. Their emotionally stunted inability to navigate the grief process in a healthy and constructive way keeps them stuck in an endless cycle of anger and resentment. Even if their anger appears to have gone dormant because they’re distracted with newer supply and fresh grievances, it’s still there, simmering beneath the surface, waiting to erupt like Mount St. Helens when the right trigger comes along.
Some psychologists theorize that narcissists and borderlines behave this way due to deeply internalized shame. However, I disagree. These individuals are incapable of feeling genuine shame. If they could feel shame, they wouldn’t behave as they do. Instead, they experience embarrassment when their true selves are exposed, revealing the fragile ego behind their false public persona. But instead of processing this exposure constructively, they react with aggressive attacks and by playing the victim.
Key Points:
- Eternal Cycle of Anger: Narcissists are trapped in a never-ending loop of anger and resentment, unable to move on.
- Dormant but Ever-Present Rage: Their anger never truly disappears; it simply lies dormant, ready to resurface with the right trigger.
- Embarrassment vs. Shame: They might feel embarrassment when exposed, but this is quickly redirected into aggressive defensiveness, not true shame.
Behavioral Patterns in Narcissistic and Borderline Grievance:
- Grudge Holding: They keep an internal enemies list of every perceived slight, ready to unload their rage when it suits them.
- Defensiveness and Aggression: Exposure of their true self leads to aggressive retaliation and playing the victim to deflect criticism.
- Chronic Resentment: Even after years have passed, they harbor and act on old grievances, keeping conflicts alive indefinitely–whether or not you participate in the old conflicts with them. In this respect, they are like the old Japanese soldier, Hiroo Onoda, who was still fighting World War II in the Lubang Island jungles until he surrendered in 1974.
Narcissists commonly carry grudges from a perceived insults and rejections that happened years ago. For example, twenty years post-divorce your BPD ex manipulates your daughter into asking her step-father walk her down the aisle to spite you, even threatening to not attend the wedding if your daughter doesn’t agree. Their anger is never truly resolved; it’s simply waiting for an opportunity to resurface.
Conclusion: Grievances, Not Grief
In conclusion, narcissists and borderlines don’t experience grief in the way most people do. Instead, they feel a deep sense of grievance when they face rejection, lose narcissistic supply, or suffer embarrassment from exposure. Contrary to what some psychologists believe, these individuals are incapable of genuine shame. They’ve no qualms about lying or hurting others if it helps them achieve their goals or punish those they perceive as threats to their false self. Any appearance of remorse is not true contrition but likely regret over the consequences of their antisocial behavior.
Don’t mistake the narcissist’s or borderline’s anger, rage, and discontent during divorce or after losing a promotion for genuine heartbreak, disappointment, or grief. Their intense emotions stem from anger and fear, not emotional loss. What you’re witnessing is a reaction to a wounded ego, manifesting as narcissistic injury, which can trigger narcissistic rage and, in severe cases, even lead to narcissistic collapse.
If you’re unmarried and don’t share children, this is the perfect time to go No Contact. If you have separate domiciles, block, mute, hunker down until the storm passes, they become bored and find new narcissistic supply. If you’re married and/or share property, lawyer up. Although dealing with them will remain challenging, it will be somewhat easier without children involved. Either way, the narcissist, borderline, histrionic or Cluster B ex will be unreasonable, entitled, and demand more than their fair share of assets. Instruct your attorney on your bottom line and prepare for the worst, because that’s all they have to offer.
Counseling, Consulting and Coaching with Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD
Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD helps individuals with relationship and codependency issues via telephone or Skype. For over a decade, she has specialized in helping men and women break free of abusive relationships, cope with the stress of ongoing abuse and heal from the trauma. She combines practical advice, emotional support and goal-oriented outcomes. If you’d like to work with Dr. Palmatier, please visit the Schedule a Session page or you can email her directly at [email protected].
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