In the dating pool, making money from claiming to be a victim is a Red Flag. A great big big one. If a new potential partner (or casual hook-up) recites a list of past victimization, proceed with caution. If you ignore this Red Flag, you could be the next “soulmate” cast in the role of villain on her social media when the love bombing stops and the devaluation stage begins.
Everyone’s a victim. Everyone’s a narcissist. Everything’s a Red Flag.
It seems like everyone’s a victim these days. Which begs the question, if everyone’s a victim, is anyone a victim? But I digress. Yes, of course, there are many people identifying themselves as victims who’ve legitimately been harmed. Meaning, provable documented facts, not “My Truth.”
Incidentally, using the term “My Truth” is also a great big big dating Red Flag. My Truth is usually a cluster bomb of Cluster B lies, exaggerations, gaslighting, distortions, projection and confabulation. It’s the self-serving spin narcissists, borderlines, histrionics and other pathological liars put on their false victim narratives, revisionist histories and abuses they perpetrate to portray themselves as brave, unflinchingly honest and enlightened. In reality, My Truth is just bullshit with better branding.
While I’m at it, using the term Red Flag is so overdone it’s also probably a Red Flag warning sign now. Rather like using the term narcissist. Once the multilevel marketer/influencer self-proclaimed “narcissism experts” on YouTube learned the term, it was the beginning of the end.
Professional victims may not actually be victims. In fact, many of them are the aggressor in relationships.
Professional victim is an identity and correlates to the Cluster B and Cluster personality disorders. Research confirms that, “Victimhood is a stable and meaningful personality tendency . . . Tendency for Interpersonal Victimhood (TIV), which we define as an ongoing feeling that the self is a victim, which is generalized across many kinds of relationships. People who have a higher tendency for interpersonal victimhood feel victimized more often, more intensely, and for longer duration in interpersonal relations than do those who have a lower such tendency” (Gabay, Lifschitz, Hameiri & Nadler, 2020).
According to Gabay et al, professional victims (or people with TIV) exhibit the following victim mindset traits:
- Routinely seeks recognition of their victim status.
- Positions their alleged victim status as elite moral superiority.
- Has a lack of empathy and interest in other people’s pain and suffering — especially people the professional victim has harmed.
- Obsesses about past alleged victimization.
Furthermore, “No actual victimization need occur for the victim mindset to develop” (Gabay et al, 2020). In other words, many people claiming to be victims haven’t been victimized. I suspect this is particularly true of self-proclaimed victims who use victim status for monetary and social gain, or as a weapon to harm others.
Legitimate victims vs. professional victims.
Unlike professional victims, there are people who’ve experienced trauma whose identities and/or careers do not center around being victims. Psychologically well-adjusted people don’t want to be seen as victims. That’s not to say something bad or traumatic didn’t happen to them. Something bad did happen to them. However, they don’t define themselves by the bad relationship, divorce, assault, fraud or some other act of malfeasance in perpetuity. These individuals seek support, heal, get on with their life and are capable of having healthy, functional relationships.
Furthermore, professional victims are often the actual aggressors in relationships. So, when a new acquaintance, date, coworker, etc., launches into tales of victimhood and grievance upon first contact, exercise caution. Switch off your empathy, and ask yourself why a stranger is telling you such intimate (and perhaps false) details about their history.
Why are they seeking sympathy on a first date? Is that sexy, fun or interesting? Does it seem well-adjusted? Do they appear more successful due to their alleged victim status?
Best case scenario, they’re freshly out of a bad relationship and vulnerable (i.e., not yet relationship ready). Worst case scenario, they’re sizing you up to be their next NPD, HPD, BPD happy meal (nom, nom, nom). I recommend you take a hard pass, i.e., no thank you.
Why is making money from claiming to be a victim an even bigger Red Flag than someone just claiming to be a victim with no evident monetization?
Because in addition to social currency via attention-seeking and sympathy, they’ve got a bottom line. Meaning, they literally profit from being a victim. Thus, if they stop presenting themselves as a victim, so does their income.
Likely predators include:
Give people who do the following a very wide berth and don’t share anything too personal with them (i.e., keep it superficial and arms length).
1. Makes money from victimhood claims (especially absent any criminal complaints/convictions of the alleged perp).
2. Makes money in the form of child support from being a victim. In other words, she made false abuse allegations to get more custody in order to get more child support.
3. Brags about how many restraining orders she obtained against former partners (PLURAL). In this case, the restraining orders are trophies of the many exes they’ve abused (think Dexter blood slides).
4. Is an “influencer” and seeks followers, attention and money from being a victim.
5. Is an “influencer” and seeks followers, attention and money from being a victim who posts lingerie/naked selfies and/or “artistic” “model” photos.
6. Trashes her alleged narcissist ex(es) online while taking spousal/child support monies while refusing to get an actual job. Extra hazard points if she’s continuously back in Family Court trying to take custody away from her ex over objectively stupid shit. For example, not replying to their high-conflict divorce name-calling, demands to ignore/violate the custody order at will and other petty dramas.
7. Still identifies as a victim and hates their ex with the same venomous intensity years after the relationship has ended. Non-personality disordered people are able to eventually let go of their hurt, anger and resentment and move on.
8. Uses GoFundMe to raise money to supplement spousal and child support and/or pay legal fees. She shares kid photos and claims their father(s) are “deadbeats” to money grub. This is especially true if she uses GoFundMe in lieu of, say, getting an actual job.
You’ve been warned.
If you choose to ignore these warning signs, odds are you’ll become the professional victim’s next victim. Instead, I encourage you gain some awareness about your hero, savior and enabler tendencies. Then make healthier relationship choices.
Counseling, Consulting and Coaching with Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD
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