Ending a Relationship with an Abusive Woman

Ending a Relationship with an Abusive Woman is the third and final article in a three part series. The first two articles are Breaking Up with a Borderline Girlfriend and Breaking Up with a Narcissistic Girlfriend, respectively.

Ending a relationship with an abusive woman.

Breaking up with an abusive woman — whether she’s a borderline, narcissist or histrionic —  requires a thorough understanding of the dangers that lie ahead of you. This includes your own issues that got you into this relationship in the first place. In the previous article, I cover the following topics:

• Accept reality.
• Make an exit strategy.
• Commitment to self-preservation.
• Clear communication.
• Documentation.
• FOG-proofing
• Set the record straight.

Ending a relationship with an abusive woman requires careful planning and strategy. So let’s discuss the remaining personal safety measures, which include:

• No Contact.
• Power wash your life.
• Reflect and respond if necessary. Never react.
• Embrace the grieving process.
• Self-care.

NO CONTACT, NO CONTACT, NO CONTACT. 

You need peace in order to heal. This means putting as much physical and emotional distance between yourself and the abusive ex as possible. In other words, go No Contact. This is easy for some clients and difficult for others.

Don’t respond to emails, texts or voicemails — unless it’s a legit child emergency. Avoid places your ex is likely to be. Don’t answer calls from unknown numbers. Stay away from her social media.

Tell any remaining shared friends or acquaintances that you’d rather not hear any updates. Unless, of course, it’s six ‘o’ clock newsworthy embarrassing material and then maybe. If there aren’t any shared children, there’s really no reason to have any communication once it’s over.

Property disputes can be handled through attorneys. Same goes for financial matters. Do NOT agree to share custody of the pet goldfish — or any pets for that matter. Any continued contact is just an opportunity for the narcissist or borderline ex to continue to manipulate you or cause mischief. Don’t do it.

Be prepared to let go of other relationships. Power wash your life.

This one can be tough. Especially if you gave up friendships and your family relationships during the marriage. Many clients do this to avoid conflict during their relationship with the narcissist, histrionic or borderline ex. Isolation from loved ones is a common abuse tactic.

Unfortunately, mutual friends and acquaintances are often weak links in your efforts in ending a relationship with an abusive woman. These individuals become collateral loss. However, it can also be an opportunity to clear out the rot, till the soil and grow new and healthier friendships.

Narcissists, histrionics and borderlines usually don’t attract healthy people into their social circles. They often have an odd assortment of sycophants, lackeys, stooges, enablers, fly by night exploitative manipulators, ne’er do wells and the occasional genuinely nice person who buys into her or his false self/mask of normalcy. Hose it all off. Think Silkwood shower.

Clearly communicate that the relationship is OVER.

Ambivalent language, “being nice,” or a wishy-washy stance isn’t going to work. Appearing weak or uncertain about your decision in ending a relationship with an abusive woman will be misinterpreted to mean what she wants to hear. She’ll go into full Hoover-human bulldozer mode.

Be direct and clear. You’ll probably be called a narcissist. Or, you’ll be accused of “being mean” and an asshole. Allow me to translate that for you. If your NPD, BPD or HPD ex accuses you of being a mean asshole, it means you’re setting clear boundaries and aren’t falling for her manipulations. So take it as a compliment and embrace “being the asshole.”

Deafen your ears.

Ending a relationship with an abusive woman can be dangerous. Many narcissists, histrionics and borderlines like to make litigious threats at the end of the relationship. I once worked with a woman whose extremely narcissistic ex tried to bully her into signing an NDA (non-disclosure agreement) for both him and the woman he cheated on her with. He tried to intimidate her with the threat of lawsuits.

Specifically, he threatened to sue her for two years worth of his income and his mistress’ income if she told anyone about his infidelity. Totally crazyballs. In the end, it’s usually just a lot of sound and fury with these people. It doesn’t mean anything. It’s the equivalent of an angry toddler calling you a poopyhead. Did I mention No Contact?

If you’re a man, however, there’s a caveat to this. If an abusive woman threatens to make false abuse allegations and file restraining orders against you, take it seriously. And protect yourself accordingly.

Embrace the grieving process.

Don’t confuse the pain of grief with having made a mistake. Loss hurts. Oftentimes, the healthiest choices are also the most difficult and painful. Your grief process will be more complicated if you’ve unresolved childhood family of origin issues. Don’t run from the pain, walk into it.

Eventually, it will pass. Focus on you and what attracted you to Crazy. Don’t focus on why the narcissist’s a narcissist, the histrionic’s a histrionic or the borderline’s a borderline.

Instead, ask yourself why did you tolerate the abuse? What made you vulnerable? Why did you give away your power, dignity and self-respect in exchange for “love?”

Real love doesn’t demand these kinds sacrifices, subjugation and degradation. If you do have family of origin issues, be patient. You didn’t develop these vulnerabilities overnight and you won’t rid yourself of them as quickly as you’d like.

Self-care.

Taking care of yourself often falls by the wayside in an abusive relationship. Abusers resent any self-care you do. This is especially true if it takes attention away from them and makes you healthier. Abusers like their targets weak because it makes it easier for them to control you.

Start eating healthfully, getting regular exercise, improving your sleep habits and limit your alcohol and recreational drug use. Drugs and drink will mask the feelings you need to feel or make you feel even worse, so take it easy and don’t try to numb yourself or escape the grief.

Get outdoors. Seek solace in nature. Fresh air, sunshine, trees, lakes and mountains are a tonic. Long walks can help bring things into perspective and clear the head.

If you allowed friendships to fall by the wayside because your ex sucked up all the oxygen in your life, rebuild your social circle. Reach out to old friends. Reconnect with family members. Re-engage in activities or pursuits that your ex resented and made it impossible for you to enjoy.

Conclusion

Ending a relationship with an abusive woman can seem impossible at first. It isn’t impossible. I’ve helped thousands of clients do just this. Not being able to live without your abuser is just another lie the narcissist or borderline ex told you.

If you want your life back, don’t expect her to meekly release you. The price of freedom is potentially incurring her narcissistic rage (or borderline rage). It’s going to happen, so prepare for it and brace for impact.

If you want out, you’ll most likely have to pay the proverbial troll under the bridge before you can walk across and then blow the damn thing up. It can seem like a daunting and overwhelming task, but what’s the alternative?

What is your health and well-being worth? Certainly it’s worth more than wasting it on someone who’s incapable of love and feels zero remorse for hurting you.

Counseling, Consulting and Coaching with Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD

Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD helps individuals with relationship and codependency issues via telephone or Skype. For over a decade, she has specialized in helping men and women break free of abusive relationships, cope with the stress of ongoing abuse and heal from the trauma. She combines practical advice, emotional support and goal-oriented outcomes. If you’d like to work with Dr. Palmatier, please visit the Schedule a Session page or you can email her directly at [email protected].

Want to Say Goodbye to Crazy? Buy it HERE.