Surviving the first holiday season without the narcissist or borderline ex is often anything but merry. If you’ve been in a relationship with a personality-disordered individual—or come from a family brimming with characterological chaos—you likely have some holiday horror stories to share. Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hanukkah, New Year’s, Valentine’s Day, birthdays, or even National Arbor Day can trigger narcissistic or borderline rages, tantrums, silent treatments, and perfectionist meltdowns of epic proportions. Why? These personalities thrive on control, attention, and drama—making holidays the perfect storm for their dysfunction.
As awful as Christmas with a Grinch-meets-perpetual-adult-toddler can be, the first holiday season without them can feel like an emotional roller coaster. This is especially true if you became isolated during the relationship or distanced yourself from toxic parents or siblings. The absence of their chaos can leave you feeling a mix of sadness, joy, confusion, and relief—all at once. You may find yourself grieving the illusion of what holidays could have been, even as you savor the sweet relief of finally escaping the drama.
That said, as lonely as the first holiday season might feel, it’s worth remembering that there are few things lonelier than being stuck in a relationship with a narcissist, borderline, or histrionic. Holidays with them weren’t about connection or celebration; they were about surviving the drama. Now, you’ve got the chance to make the holidays whatever you want, so why not start with focusing on you?
Why is the First Holiday Season Without the Narcissist or Borderline Ex So Difficult?
Narcissists, borderlines, histrionics, and other toxic individuals have a way of sucking all the oxygen out of the room. When they’re gone—whether you left them or they discarded you—they often leave a vacuum in your life. If your identity revolved around pleasing the Crazy to avoid her wrath, guilt trips, or those endless blame-you-shame-you all-nighters, that vacuum can feel like a gaping void. The empty space they leave behind is overwhelming, not because they were essential to your happiness, but because their chaos once filled every square inch of your life. Without their dysfunction consuming your time, you’re left facing yourself—something they likely trained you to avoid. And if you have a pattern of getting involved with toxic people, it might even be your way of avoiding looking inward.
For many clients, the hardest part of the first holiday season without their narcissist or borderline ex is figuring out who they are and what gives their life meaning without the constant pressure of taking care of someone else. The void might feel like proof you’re unlovable or destined to be alone forever. But here’s the thing—that’s a lie. It’s the kind of distorted thinking they instilled in you to keep you small and dependent. Instead, try reframing this as an opportunity.
This is your chance to heal, to address those old family-of-origin wounds, and to make healthier choices going forward. Instead of spending the holidays walking on eggshells to cater to a chronically colicky narcissist or borderline, you can focus on the one person in your life you can actually help to change and grow: you.
This is called self-care—the very thing your NPD, BPD, or HPD ex likely accused you of being “selfish” for daring to prioritize, if it crossed your mind at all. Here’s a fun fact: people who genuinely love you want you to take care of yourself. They don’t hurl insults or tantrums because you dared to have a nap, see a friend, read a book, or get some exercise. They encourage you to be your best, not shame you for it.
The Basics of Holiday Self-Care
If you’re unsure where to start with self-care this holiday season, keep it simple and focus on the basics. For example:
- Spend time with positive, supportive people.
- Eat healthfully, drink plenty of water, exercise, and get enough sleep.
- Treat yourself to new socks and underwear. Seriously, it’s underrated.
When in doubt, think about what a loving parent would do to care for a hurting child. Maybe that means a glass of ginger ale, a generous dab of Vicks VapoRub, cozy flannel pajamas, and even cozier flannel sheets (If you know, you know!) If that doesn’t resonate, consider what you’d do for your own child or a dear friend in need. Then, do those things for yourself.
Still struggling? Start small. Even little acts of kindness toward yourself can have a big impact. Schedule a massage. Go for a walk in fresh air. Watch your favorite guilty-pleasure holiday movie. Remember, self-care doesn’t have to be elaborate or expensive—it just needs to help you feel cared for.
And here’s the most important thing to remember: self-care isn’t selfish. It’s survival. If you’ve spent years putting the needs of a narcissist or borderline ex ahead of your own, prioritizing yourself may feel strange or even wrong. It’s not. In fact, it’s essential. By taking care of yourself, you’re laying the foundation for healing and life change.
Don’t Pressure Yourself with Unrealistic Expectations
Being away from the narcissist doesn’t guarantee immediate happiness. It also doesn’t magically resolve the issues that made you vulnerable to such a predatory trainwreck in the first place. So, set realistic expectations. This holiday doesn’t have to be the best Christmas or Hanukkah ever—but it also doesn’t have to be the worst.
Don’t overdo the decorations, gifts, or socializing unless it genuinely makes you happy. Instead, aim for a holiday season where you enjoy a glass of eggnog instead of tiptoeing around a narcissist or borderline’s eggshells. Want to socialize? Go for it. Prefer a quiet day watching an Indiana Jones marathon while eating mac-n-cheese in your bathrobe? Then start grating the Gouda and fire up the streaming service. If a walk through the woods with the dogs feels good, that’s a win, too.
Most importantly, don’t force yourself to attend holiday parties or family dinners if you don’t feel up to it. If being around others feels healing, great—go for it. But don’t do anything out of fear, obligation, or guilt. This includes skipping Auntie Hildegarde’s annual dry-turkey-and-god-awful-fruitcake dinner. Seriously, she’ll survive one year without you.
Healing isn’t one-size-fits-all. What worked for your best friend, cousin, or that support forum buddy might not work for you. So ask yourself, what feels right for you? If you’re not sure, experiment with what feels comfortable. The point is to honor what feels good and right for you.
Embrace Whatever your Narcissist Belittled or Spoiled
Did you allow your narcissist or borderline ex to ruin your favorite holiday traditions? Mock your love of cheesy Christmas movies or childhood TV specials? Guess what—you get to reclaim those joys. If Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer or Frosty the Snowman still makes you smile, queue them up and enjoy every Rankin-Bass second guilt-free.
Did your borderline ex sabotage holiday meals? Well crazy’s not on the menu this year. Was shopping for her a nightmare of impossible expectations? Not your circus, not your monkey. Did your narcissist suck all the fun out of Christmas trees with their relentless perfectionism or disdain? Then head to a tree farm and bring home the biggest tree you can fit in your living room. Or, if you’re feeling rebellious, skip the tree entirely or opt for a tiny Charlie Brown tree. The point is, you choose.
What holiday traditions or pastimes did you love before the narcissist or borderline came along? Chances are, nothing is stopping you from enjoying them again—except maybe their voice still echoing in your mind. You don’t have to let their judgments live rent-free in your head anymore. Reclaim your holidays. Start small if you need to, but start somewhere. Whether it’s hanging lights on your porch or just reveling in the absence of chaos, this is your chance to rediscover what makes you happy. And if you feel like creating a new holiday tradition that’s just yours, even better.
If you share custody with a toxic ex, this is especially important. You now have the opportunity to create the holiday traditions you want with your kids. Show them what a stress-free, joyful holiday can look like. Whether it’s baking cookies, watching their favorite movies, or just relaxing together, you can help them create happy, lasting memories—and give yourself a break from the drama in the process.
Stay Away from Toxic People
This includes your own family if being around them feels stressful, anxiety-provoking, or downright depressing. The holidays are hard enough without adding toxic dynamics into the mix. If mutual friends—or flying monkeys—of the narcissist or borderline invite you to get together, politely decline. And if anyone offers to share gossip about what your ex is up to, shut it down. Let them know you’re not interested. Hearing about the ex doesn’t help your recovery—it just drags you back into their drama.
Friends who truly care about you will respect your boundaries. They’ll understand your need to focus on healing and step back from toxic situations. On the other hand, “friends” who take offense, ignore your request, or insist on rehashing gossip likely want to feed off your misery. If you have people like that in your life, they might have more in common with your narcissistic or borderline ex than you realize.
This is a good time to start rethinking your circle. Many people who’ve had relationships with narcissists, borderlines, or other self-absorbed types also tend to have friends with similar traits. Once you’re out of the relationship, those dynamics become clearer—and they don’t look good. After some time has passed, it’s worth doing a “friend inventory” to see who aligns with the healthier, stronger you and who doesn’t. In other words, ditch the naughty (and the nasty) and keep the kind.
Resolutions
How do you want your life to look next year? What changes and choices are needed to make that happen? If your goals feel overwhelming or impossible, break them down into smaller, achievable steps. Remember, you survived the albatross narcissist or borderline—you probably managed more than you thought was humanly possible. Looking back, you might even wonder how you kept as much of yourself and your life together as you did.
For many of my clients, the answer is simple: you’re stronger than you think. You took care of the narcissist or borderline ex, the kids, the house, and work—often while juggling their endless demands, attention-seeking, and negativity. Now that you’re unencumbered by the constant chaos and drama, you’ll find yourself with something precious—time and energy. So, the question becomes: What do you want to do with it?
Whether you want to focus on building new relationships, exploring hobbies you never had time for, or simply enjoying the peace of a drama-free life, this is your time to take charge. Start small, and let each step you take build momentum for something bigger.
Conclusion
No matter how you choose to spend the holidays this year, be kind to yourself. Take a moment to appreciate the absence of the nastiness, drama, or Grinchy behavior your ex—or even your family of origin—used to bring to the table. The holidays really can be a peaceful and lovely time of year, and now you get to decide what that means for you.
Your first holiday season without a narcissist or borderline may feel strange, but it’s also an incredible opportunity to rediscover what makes you happy. Whether that’s through self-care, creating new traditions, or simply savoring the quiet, the choice is yours.
Happy Holidays—and here’s to a healthier, happier new year ahead!
*Originally published on November 22, 2018. Updated on December 13, 2023 and again on December 15, 2024.
