From an alternate universe not nearly far enough away — Planet Empath! Where if anyone does something you don’t like (or isn’t willing to tolerate your bullshit), you’re a narcissist. This morning, a woman posted a comment to a meme I posted last week, “That’s Not Normal: You need to fight for me and the relationship!” She states:
If a man fights to prove his love to a woman, to prove that she’s number one, fighting with all he has to express that to her…. I don’t think that’s unhealthy at all” (Oh yes it is, sweetheart.) “Especially if it brings peace, love, tranquility, understanding and a friendship that can’t be broken! Fighting for someone shows loyalty!”
Crazy to Normal translation.
First, fighting someone’s insecurities, pathology and immaturity in order to maintain a relationship isn’t a sign of loyalty. It’s called codependency. Healthy couples work together to build a strong relationship. They don’t tolerate abuse and nut jobbery to “prove their love.”
Second, nowhere does she say what she is willing to do to fight to prove her love to a man, show him that he’s number one, blah, blah, blah-bitty, blah.
Over the years, I’ve repeatedly explained in my articles and videos that borderlines, narcissists and other emotionally immature people use conflict to keep you engaged (in a toxic AF way) in the relationship. They interpret you no longer doing the crazy conflict dance with them as “abandonment,” loss of control and loss of interest. And, if we’re to believe this woman, an act of disloyalty.
If that person shows absolutely no interest in you anymore I’m sure the fighting will end.”
Yes, it will. Could it be her “narcissistic” ex-boyfriend had absolutely no interest in having more pointless conflict with her? Perhaps all the stupid conflict and “having to fight for you” nonsense wore him out? Maybe, just maybe, it became boring and old because relationships with these individuals rarely progress past the Power Struggle stage?
Just because a man or woman no longer wants to have circular, never-ending conflict over manufactured drama doesn’t make him or her a narcissist. *One of my pet hypotheses is that many people (not all, but many) who claim to be empaths are actually BPD. Just a hypothesis.
Personally, I don’t find arguing with 3-year olds — whether it’s an actual 3-year old or a 3-year old in the body of a 55-year old — especially interesting. Or, interesting at all, for that matter.
The woman shares her unhealthy, self-serving, self-absorbed rationale for why a man should lay down his life to “prove his love” while oblivious to the obvious. If a man lays down his life to “prove his love” to her all she’ll be left with is a corpse. Or, an empty husk of a human being who’s destroyed himself trying to “prove his love.” Although, who knows. Maybe necrophilia is her thing.
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Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD helps individuals work through their relationship and codependency issues via telephone or Skype. She specializes in helping men and women trying to break free of an abusive relationship, cope with the stress of an abusive relationship or heal from an abusive relationship. She combines practical advice, emotional support and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Schedule a Session page for professional inquiries or send an email to firstname.lastname@example.org.
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