First, a huge thank you to Ben Vonderheide aka Daddy Justice for joining me on Shrink4Men Radio last night. To anyone questioning Mr. Vonderheide’s tactics, motivation and agenda, please listen to the embed below.
Mr. Vonderheide is an activist who puts his freedom and life on the line everyday to help fathers, mothers and children get justice and to expose the corruption of family court and the Domestic Violence industry.
Thank you to Teri Stoddard of SAVE Services for calling in at my impromptu invitation. Ms. Stoddard commented in the chat room that she was in the getaway elevator with NOW attorney and VAWA counsel Lisalyn Jacobs after she assaulted Mr. Vonderheide in the hallway of the U.S. Senate for no other reason that he was a man with a camera and his physical presence offended her.
Ms. Stoddard said Ms. Jacobs admitted to assaulting Mr. Vonderheide is the elevator and was proud for doing so.
Third, thank you to the men and women who called in last night. I was choking back tears listening to what many of you have been and/or are going through. Mr. Vonderheide’s compassionate and reality-based statements were equally powerful. Thanks also to everyone in the chat room. I appreciate you making the time to hang out and participate.
Counseling with Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD
Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD helps individuals work through their relationship and codependency issues via telephone or Skype. She specializes in helping men and women trying to break free of an abusive relationship, cope with the stress of an abusive relationship or heal from an abusive relationship. Coaching individuals through high-conflict divorce and custody cases is also an area of expertise. She combines practical advice, emotional support and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Schedule a Session page for more information.
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Great show and very interesting everybody!
Thanks, BE.
I completely concur. This guy is the definition of a one man army- WOW. It is however very depressing when you listen to how railroaded he is in many situations and how corrupt the very people who are meant to deliver justice really are. I wonder how some of these judges and policemen and attorney behave when it’s them that is falsely accused or unjustly treated in family court. Don’t they know that they are men too? Girl Writes What (youtube and AVFM) got me thinking about how men behave competitively against each other, stemming from centuries of competing for resources and female attention. This explains a lot when you think of how simply evil some men are to other men- especially when the man is in a “power” position. Thanks for having him on. It certainly made for a compelling show.
it really was a helpful show. i’m so glad it was not a woman bashing us against them rage against the system whine fest. it wasn’t at all.
the question about “hitting back” or an MLK-style approach was excellent.
daddyjustice has apparently helped a lot of families.
accepting the “system” as unfair and not mentally fighting against that reality — so very helpful
i was ptsd’d awake at the ridiculous time (in my time zone) and instead of staring at walls, i tuned in live. the text chat during the show was initially “about something else,” but then the chat started getting quite productive and i actually copied and pasted it into a text file. is the chat available here?
there are a few things we brought up in the chat that i’d like to follow up on.
* how to make sure your evidence is allowed in court
* how to gather video, audio, etc. legally. so: when are things like video camera eyeglasses permissible.
* exactly which laws, US laws and international laws have relevant protection for gathering evidence (“non-privacy of crimes?”)
* are there “human rights” clauses that can help?
topic suggestions for upcoming shows:
* the definition of abuse
* how to check if you are the victim or the perpetrator in any exchange
* what to do when raged at, what to say
* effective tools for dismantling bullying
* how to empower children who are exposed to an agressive, abusive, Cluster B, NPD (etc.) parent
it really was a helpful show. i’m so glad it was not a woman bashing us against them rage against the system whine fest. it wasn’t at all.
You have made similar statements several times now, AnonFather, as if that is what the majority of S4M radio shows are about. Why? This has not been the case.
Also, S4M is not nor has it ever been a website that bashes women. Many of the people who contribute articles and many of the people who comment here are women. I am also aware of several women who are here for support because they were abused by their same sex partners.
S4M is primarily a website for men who are/were in relationships with abusive women, so yes, the abusive behavior that some women, not all women, perpetrate is discussed here. This is not woman bashing.
Men and women who have been abused need to talk about it, especially if this is their first outlet to talk about it. I don’t consider the sharing here to be a “whine fest;” and am happy to provide a forum where they feel safe enough to do so.
Thank you for the topic suggestions.
Many of us women who contribute and/or offer support in this forum and blog, are here because our husbands/significant others are being abused by their ex-wives, directly and through the family courts system. And by all means, not all women are abusive, just as all men are not abusive. I think that’s an important missive to stress.
You have made similar statements several times now, AnonFather, as if that is what the majority of S4M radio shows are about. Why? This has not been the case.
i have not made those statements “as if that is what the majority of s4m shows are about.”
however, since you ask why, i will explain:
dr. t, you either used or coined the term “schadenfreudegasm” or something like that when you saw that a woman was “getting her due.”
essentially, because i felt that the show could be really valuable for people suffering, for people who could benefit from real, solid, informed, and heartfelt information — i posted — essentially, with a pre-emptive “guard rail” hoping that you’d steer clear of schadenfreudenorgasming on the air.
vengeance is simply not the appropriate energy to serve, if you want to help resolve the issue at hand. and yes, i see you as in danger of succumbing to the energy of vengeance. and if you do that, you lose.
you write:
“Also, S4M is not nor has it ever been a website that bashes women.”
dr t, you posted an article where you presented yourself as quite content with lucy, from charlie brown, getting physically beaten up by the family guy.
no matter how nasty lucy as a character is or how much i’ve disliked her, or how much you apparently have disliked her, that, is, quite literally, bashing women.
beating the crap out of lucy is an infantile way to deal with her horrific behavior towards charlie.
essentially, i was married to lucy. and if i had “beaten the crap” out of lucy, i’d be in jail.
instead, i spend more time with our children than their mother does and may very well gain custody due to her behavior.
restraint is important.
schadenfreudorgasming about violence towards women, or anyone, is dangerous — especially when in the midst of divorce, custody hearings, etc.
do you think display of “bloodthirst” looks good in court?
i will tell you right now: our judge is female. i know that already.
my wife is an amazing liar. she can say things that have absolutely nothing to do with reality, and the people around her just fall into some kind of daze and nod their heads in approval. she was a top salesperson. she is a performer. if the judge so much as smells a hint of “bloodthirst” on me, then our children may be subject to physical violence, rage episodes, a mother who blacks out her abusive incidents — for the rest of their lives.
so, for me, there is one line. it is the line of purity, honesty, accountability, the scientific method, logic, pure and appropriate emotions, understanding and eliminating logical fallacy, and being a good, caring, loving father.
regarding the sex of your readership, it is becoming less and less important to me. i think talking to my son about abuse should be about the same as talking to my daughter — or?
and regarding thanking me for my topic suggestions: do you actually mean that?
AF,
This website is not the court of law. I often combine humor in my writing and think Seth McFarlane is funny (the Lucy and Charlie Brown reference). It also has relevance for many of the people who visit this site as they have been “Lucy-ed” many times.
Lucy had a long-standing history of picking on Charlie Brown and getting away with it. It was funny, to me, because Lucy was made to be held accountable in an obviously over the top way. There was a disclaimer under the video that I do not condone violence.
Schadenfreudegasm is also a bit of humor. I was not rejoicing at the violence perpetrated against Mr. Vonderheide. I was enjoying seeing a very highly appointed public official who practices discrimination against men and boys exposed for a hypocrite.
I enjoy seeing corrupt public officials exposed be they male or female. It appeals to my sense of justice. I criticize Dr Phil’s public position on domestic violence. Criticizing a member of either gender when criticism is merited does not make one a basher of either gender.
I don’t think either of those examples indicates a tendency for women-bashing. “Bloodthirst?” This is now moving into the ridiculous.
i don’t find lucy getting beat up funny the same way i don’t find men getting kicked in the testicles funny in superbowl commercials. even with disclaimers.
the word “bloodthirst” is intended to help people who are currently in legal hearings — to let off some steam here, on this website — instead of heading to court, talking to their spouses, talking to police, talking to their lawyers, talking to their children — with a full head of vengeful steam.
do you find that ridiculous?
i do not find it ridiculous to advise your readers to speak to their spouses, lawyers, judges, social services workers, etc., calmly, clearly, with appropriate knowledge of the definition of abuse without sensationalism, victimization, projection, or blame.
i certainly don’t find calm sound reasoning “ridiculous.”
we are looking to you to help, not to instigate, to soothe not to exacerbate. and of course we take this information to our lawyers, to court, to our children and to our spouses. we look here — for solutions. solutions that work and solutions that don’t make the problem worse.
jokes? look, dr t, i am looking at needing police protection to save my life. right now, i could care less about dr. phil. the “energies” of conflict put me and our children in danger.
i find myself put on the defensive and somehow needing to justify myself. i also feel that you are focusing on the portion of my statements where i’m holding you and paul accountable.
I did not suggest that my readers bring a youtube video of Family Guy into the courthouse with them. Nor do I recommend that individuals crack jokes with their attorney. That would be ridiculous. If you believe the use of humor on this website infers that. . .
Serious issues are treated seriously. I post humorous items on a occasion and will continue to do so as will some of my contributors.
There’s a lot of heavy subject matter here and it is treated with respect. Sometimes, letting off steam and having a laugh is healing for some people. If that’s not your cup of tea, don’t read those posts.
This website and the people who contribute here cover a wide range of topics. Not all of them will meet your individual needs. This is a free resource I provide and you are free not to use it.
I apologize for the last sentence in my above comment.
I think it is important to understand that political correctness and moral standing are two seperate things. I don’t think Seth Mcfarlane is an advocate of any type of violence, he’s just trying to stir a response out of his audience, laughter in this case. Just like people who go to watch horror movies probably don’t do it for inspiration in there axe and chainsaw wielding abilities(or I hope not…). there have been many movies that may very well seem off color, but due to the satirical nature, create a sense of how absurd these usually bigoted positions are…I think a good example wood be the movie “Blazing Saddles”. Keep up the good work Dr. T.
Having a sense of humor is a very good coping skill. If you don’t like watching Family Guy, you probably wouldn’t think the Lucy parody was funny, either. No one was suggesting you should beat up your wife. Or Lucy, for that matter. Or that you should show the cartoon to your wife. I’m a woman, and I thought it was funny. And I do not fear being beaten up. At least not by the Family Guy, or you. Finding the humor in a humor-less situation is not going to help you in court. In fact, it’s not going to affect your court case at all. Unless you were planning on using that cartoon in your depositions.
the text chat during the show was initially “about something else,” but then the chat started getting quite productive and i actually copied and pasted it into a text file. is the chat available here?
AF, the chat in the chat room is what it is. Sometimes it is on topic and sometimes it isn’t. Sometimes people just like to joke and play a little bit. I don’t have a problem with this and am grateful people participate.
Dr. Tara,
What you do here WORKS for me and many, many, others. I was completely lost before I found this site. You are appreciated more than you could ever know. I thank you from the bottom of my heart. No explanations necessary. Thanks.
A little late to the conversation but I listened to this podcast just the other day and took a ton of notes. This podcast is a MUST listen for everyone that is affected by the family court system and abusive partners. Dr. T thank you so much for bringing all these great people together and providing such great information.
One of the major take away that I took away was the Title IV-D Federal Funding of the whole family court scam. I did a very quick google search of just this and found an awesome link with some great information for me to being my research.
http://www.earthage.org/familycourt/title_iv-d-federal-funding.htm
I would encourage everyone who is going to be going through the family court system to understand what you are up against. I have pending court if mediation doesn’t work out and I fully plan to expose this as part of my “protest” even though it will change nothing at least I’ll feel better about myself in trying to help the greater movement at hand.
Hi all.
Just a quick question. I have two children with my HCP wife, an 11 y/o girl and a 3 y/o boy. I my state once a child is 12 y/o the court will take the child’s preference into account during a custody dispute. My daughter has already expressed to me her desire to live with me. Which is great but my concern is what about her brother? My children love each other and have a great relationship. I don’t want them to be split up. I would think that no reasonable person would allow that to happen, but given the horror stories I’ve read the words family court system and the reasonable don’t belong together in the same sentence.
Anyone have any experience with a similar situation?
For what its worth, I was told by a recently retired judge who presided over my mediation with my ex-wife, that the court is more concerned with keeping siblings together (including step-siblings) than other preferences of the children and parents. Based on that, I think that all else being equal, they would try to keep them together. Whether that’s your place or hers. However, there is also a pretty significant age difference between them.
Thank you. I’ve been doing my “homework” for the upcoming divorce/cluster f*ck, but I was unable to find any hard and fast rules about this in the family codes. Seems to me that they were meant to be more guidelines than anything else.
Just another question if you don’t mind. I see that you went through mediation. What was your opinion of that process? One would think that you need two rational/ mature people in order to negotiate so I’m interested in how it played out.
I’ve been leaning toward mediation. In the discussions I’ve been having with her she is acting like a reasonable human being right now and has been very generous with the property division (because she has already found another victim). Custody is the only point of friction we’ve had so far. I’m worried that once custody of our children comes up in mediation the whole thing will come unglued.
Our Custody started out pretty brutal, but after the evaluations started she agreed to do shared so we then immediately went to mediation. Mediation in our case worked quite well, I think because she didn’t want to look bad, it helped. Our mediator was very good, kept things moving quickly and was pretty aggressive in getting a compromise. We started in the same room, and then split into “conferences” after about two hours. I felt the mediator really did try to take a reasonable offer and get agreement on it. I actually felt pretty good after it was done, it was probably the most productive and positive event during the divorce. Now, getting her to keep her agreement afterwards has been harder.. LOL
My attorney was very selective in the mediator and knew he had been a pretty fair and compassionate judge and had used him once before as a mediator and was extremely impressed. If you would like to give me your e-mail address I would be more than happy to e-mail you personally, or call and discuss how the process went for me and what I learned. It was different than I expected.
Sounds a lot better than fighting it out in court for sure. I think I’ll take you up on that email offer since I still have a few more questions and I don’t want to hijack the thread.
[email protected]
Thanks again!
Thanks to Ben for the shout-out to Canadian fathers!
I just now got to listen to this show. IMHO, it was your best to date.