Here’s the latest article from CrazyBuster, MicksBabe. She has some helpful hints for spotting Gold Diggers. If only they were as easy to spot as the woman in the image to the left! – Dr T
While listening to Dr. Tara’s radio show and corresponding chat session last night, I noticed a recurring theme from many of the men in the chat room.
“I want a woman who likes me for me.” As in, “Not for my money.”
This seems fairly simplistic to me.
I can spot a Gold Digger from a mile away. But I can also see how, from a man’s perspective, it could be difficult to discern, especially since society dictates that the man is not a man unless he picks up the tab. As a woman who is not a Gold Digger, I confess that back when I was dating, I would be hesitant to grab the dinner bill for fear of stepping on any masculine toes. Or even worse, coming across as a feminist.
Even now, as a married woman who shares a bank account with my husband, he always grabs the bill when it comes across the table. Social mores persist and all that.
Having been in the presence of Gold Diggers on the prowl, I can share with you an insider’s firsthand account of exactly what it is that they look for in a victim. Consider this a “tell-all” of sorts.
1. Watch your watches (and your wallets). “Oh. Mah. Gawd! Did you see that watch?!!!!”
Rolexes are nice and I get that at an executive level, you kinda need them as part of some unwritten dress code in order for your peers to take you seriously. But know this – watches are the very first thing that a Gold Digger looks for in a victim. Rolexes are to Gold Diggers, what blood in the water is to a shark. TAG’s are, as well, to the early twenty-something’s who haven’t honed their skills yet.
If you find a woman ogling your watch, or commenting on it, BEWARE. If a woman says to you, “Nice Presidential. What’d that run you? About $30 grand?” First, grab your back pocket to make sure your wallet is still there, and then, Run! Forest, Run!
Real Women (and when I say “Real Women,” I am referring to the non-Gold Digger types who like you for you, hereafter referred to as “Real Women”) don’t give a shit about watches. If you want to repel the Gold Diggers, save your Rolex for the business meetings and put on your G-Shock when dating.
2. Cars that go VROOM. “Nice car. Wanna ride me?”
The next thing Gold Diggers look for in their superficial, evidentiary phase of targeting their prey, is the kind of car you drive. The more phallic shaped the car you drive, the bigger target you are. To the Gold Digger, nothing says, “I need a Trophy wife to go along with my Trophy car,” like an expensive, two-seater sports car. And if it’s European, the Gold Digger will have to restrain herself from dry humping the fender.
I know. You like driving fast in a car that hugs the corners and can go a quarter mile in eight seconds. We all do (natch). And more importantly, you worked hard for your money and you should be able to drive a car that you enjoy and makes you happy.
That’s all fine and dandy, but know this. Real women will think you have a complex for driving a car like that. They will think you are vain, and that you are a playah who is better suited for those Gold Digger types. I know, it’s not fair and it’s not always true. But more often than not, that’s how Real Women think.
There is a reason why there are so few women drivers in auto racing. Cars and the joy of driving are, by and large, a “guy thing,” despite what Gold Diggers would have you believe.
And you know what’s even more ironic? As soon as the Gold Digger gives birth to your Hostages, she’s going to scream at you and call you a selfish Bastard for having an expensive two-seater car and she’s going to insist that you trade that penis car in for a minivan.
Now, before you go and preemptively trade your Porsche in for a Honda Pilot, stop. I’m not suggesting you do that. You really do deserve to drive a vehicle that you enjoy and have worked hard for. All I am suggesting, is that if a woman is “into” your car, then she is not “into” you, for you. Think about it.
3. You got have a J-O-B if you wanna be with me. “Show me the money!!!!”
Eventually, the Gold Digger will get to the crux of her cause. How much are you “worth?”
Of course, this is exclusive of self-worth, your sense of humor, your love of dogs and children, or even your sexual prowess. None of that matters to the Gold Digger. The ONLY thing that matters to the Gold Digger, is how much money and goods she can squeeze out of you from the dating, marriage, and divorce/alimony and child support phases.
While it is fair to say that all of us would enjoy sharing some financial stability and ease of living with our mates, the Gold Digger views you and your bank account synonymously. Once the Gold Digger has an “in” to your wallet, all of the earlier superficial niceness will lend way to overt greed and extortion.
Now that you know how to identify a Gold Digger, you might be asking yourself, “How do I identify a Real Woman?”
That’s easy. Beyond avoiding the overt materialism mentioned above, there are several indicators to look for in identifying a Real Woman:
1. She’s self-sufficient. A Real Woman can support herself. She has her shit together and is not looking for someone to take care of her. A Real Woman has a job or sustainable source of income and does not live beyond her own means.
2. She doesn’t play Divorce Lotto. A Real Woman does not expect her ex-husband to supplement her lifestyle beyond what they are legally required to do. This should be a HUGE red flag if you are dating a divorced woman.
In divorce, EVERYONE in the nuclear family suffers. Many of you have been through a divorce. And you know that as non-custodial father, your lifestyle has had to be down-graded to pay child support and alimony. Likewise, the custodial parent should expect to cut back on some luxuries, as well.
A Gold Digger believes she is ENTITLED to the same lifestyle that she had pre-divorce is unrealistic and has entitlement issues. A Real Woman makes adjustments and lives within her new means, post-divorce.
3. She appreciates the simple joys in life. A Real Woman does not require lavish gifts in order to be happy in a relationship. Nor does a Real Woman withhold sex or affections in exchange for money.
Entering the dating scene can be really frightening if your last relationship was with a high-conflict and/or abusive personality disordered individual Gold Digger. But rest assured, Real Women are out there. You just have to modify your outlook.
Thanks, Micksbabe, for another sterling article. The only caveat I have to add is that when many men met their wives or ex-wives, they had jobs and seemed self-sufficient. It was only after the exchange of vows and/or popping out a kid that the mask came off and entitlement kicked in. It’s a jungle out there! Thanks again, MB! – Dr T
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Here is a slight variation on the car thing…forgive me if I can talk car talk better than most women…because I like men I have picked up the lingo and a bit of an appreciation for the finer points of autos…but I promise you I can do most of the maintenance myself, so does that give me a get out jail free card?
Dr Tara Palmatier says
I think so, Helen;^D. There are almost always exceptions to every rule.
These are some signs of the overt Gold Diggers, although, there are some men out there, gawd love ’em, who miss the overt signs. As I read MB’s article, I was reminded of many of the female characters or, rather, caricatures, on the reality series, The Bachelor.
Maybe MB will consider another article on the more stealth and far more dangerous Gold Diggers (hint, hint).
I have always considered guys with hot cars askew…figured that they were using cars to get chicks because of something they were lacking in their personality.
Don’t get me wrong…I do love’s me a testoter-iffic pick-up truck (guess it’s true: “There’s something women like about a pick-up man”), but a decked out Trans Am with golden eagle painted on the hood and matching gold rims??? uh…nope.
After Hoover1, I went NC, went on a cruise and bought a new 300ZX Turbo. On Hoover2, my exgf saw it and asked, “What’s this?”
My response, “The down payment on what would have been our house.”
Dr Tara Palmatier says
Cars never did it for me. Although, I do like those vintage roadsters from the 1920s and 1930s. Don’t think they go very fast, though.
Competence, intelligence, kindness, sense of humor, some physical attraction and how comfortable I feel around someone are what I looked for when I was dating.
There’s a line from the film Sex, Lies & Videotape that goes something like, “Men fall in love with women they find attractive. Women become more and more attracted to the men they love,” or something like that. I don’t know if this is true in every case, but it makes sense for me in many instances.
I can see you in a roadster. Fit’s right in with:
“Drive on. We’ll sweep up the blood later! (Katharine Hepburn)”
I’m not sure I completely agree. In my opinion, most people who are interested in cars are not vain or gold diggers, they’re just normal people who happen to be interested in cars. What sets them apart from the GDs and hot-chick-magnet-wannabes is why they’re interested in cars. The vain ones will be interested only in how the car looks / makes them look. They’ll have/admire the custom decals, ridiculous rims and loud exhaust pipe… but they won’t have put any effort into their car’s technical specs. The people who just enjoy nice cars will know how to appreciate the technical aspect, not just the visual one.
Of course, I have to admit, I love fast cars so I may be biased here. I’d also add one more caveat: the younger the person interested in the car is, the more likely it is that they’ll fit the gold digger / chick-magnet-wannabe stereotype. They either outgrow it at a later point in life, or drop out of the car scene once they don’t look as good as their car anymore.
While I agree with everything you said, this article may carry some unintended consequences. While it’s very helpful for us to use to identify them, it’s equally beneficial to someone in learning how to mask red flags.
With a few tweaks, it could easily be on HuffPost or Cosmo as “Playing it Cool, Simple Things You Can Do to Not Tip Him Off.”
Real womem enjoy simple things – “Unless you’re clubbing with your BFFs, don’t let him see the Jimmy Choos. Keep them tucked away until you really need them.”
Get the alibi ready early – “He’s not stupid (usually). If you’re driving a new Mercedes with no visble means of support, anticipate the question. Better three dead aunts than one screwed ex-husband.”
Dr Tara Palmatier says
Thanks for hanging out last night in the chat room. I was delighted to see you there!
I’m sure there are already articles like the one you describe out there and probably in every month’s issue of Cosmopolitan rag-a-zine.
Predators are, well, predatory and some are cagier than others.
Trust me, that manual was written long before I wrote this article. The HPD doesn’t need any pointers on how to be manipulative. They come by it naturally.
No doubt but don’t underestimate the power of popular culture to influence people.
When I was in grad school, one of the young women in the class was making a run at one of the guys in the class. One night over beer, he was telling us about her latest effort. He said he couldn’t figure out where on earth she was coming from. He said she never operated the same way twice. Class was on Tuesday evenings. In the previous night’s episode of “Ally McBeal,” she had tried the same thing on her current target. She was taking her relationship tips from the TV show. She tried three or four things she got from the show on him over the semester.
It didn’t work any better for her than it did for Ally.
B Experienced says
Other indicators of someone being shallow is how a person views a person with some form of physical imperfection or disability. Cluster B woman usually require someone of their “standard” which is of course near perfection.
I knew a BPD years ago who met the nicest guy. When he picked up his drink, I noticed that his baby finger was missing. The BPD promptly got away after seeing it and claimed that there was no way that she would go out with him yet alone touch his hand. As a matter of fact, she said if a man started to bald she would divorce him. I was blown away.
I know of an NPD woman who will not date a man if they are over weight at all or doesn’t have at least a Bachelor’s Degree. This woman claimed that she too would divorce someone if they became disabled. Yet, she is a wrinkled prune and has impaired herself with her narcissism.
Style over substance is really what you are looking for in any area. They are just pigs with lipstick on.
Dr Tara Palmatier says
Wow, BE. They both sound like nasty pieces of work.
B Experienced says
That is mild compared to what the first one did. I went to High School with her. She was originally diagnosed as Bipolar I. I didn’t have any education in the field right after high school. However, there was always something dark about her. She ended up dating a married man. She had an argument with him and slashed up the stuffed animals he gave her. Then she jumped in her car and started driving around. She saw an old boyfriend and tried to kill him by pinning him up against a restaurant wall. She pulled out of there and then drove to the airport down the street and parked her car. She got out, threw herself on the ground and screamed, kill me. I would have locked her up, but her shrink didn’t. After that episode, she told me that when she was in grade school she wanted nothing more than a girl who liked her boyfriend to be run over by a train. It was chilling. I heard she is married to a man who provides her with a very high standard of living. He sounds like he has narcissistic traits.
The second one was a trip. She sat on my porch without my permission smoking a cigarette while watching the men cut down a tree that just about killed someone because a large limb fell off. She said it would look stupid without the trees (style over substance) yet a car got totaled, and the man got away in the nick of time so he wasn’t hurt. She told me that it was a great crime against humanity because the power got shut off and she couldn’t have a hot lunch. I burst out laughing and said that the Holocaust was a great crime against humanity and not your cold cereal for lunch. She said very seriously she didn’t agree. She got so agitated that she stood in front of the one machine screaming for them to stop because she was missing her radio show as well. I really thought they would send for the men in white suits after that one.
Ron On Drums says
This reminds me of a funny but sad story. A friend of mine who went to Baptist Seminary was Pastor at a small church while attending school. A couple comes in for premarital counseling before the wedding when the woman announced that she wanted traditional vows but wanted to leave out the “in sickness & in health” part of them.
When questioned by my friend as to why she said “Because I am not marrying him to play nurse maid if he gets sick”. She was actually dead serious. My friend warned the guy not to marry her unless they did intense premarital therapy & he refused to perform the ceremony.
Of course the poor sap didn’t listen as he was “in LOVE” & said she didn’t mean it. They got married by a JOP. Apparently though this woman didn’t think much of the “Foresaking all others” part either. The guy got laid off of his job & a month latter she went & had an affair with a guy who drove a BMW & ran off with the guy in less than a week.
Karma though has such a wonderful side. He dumped her a year latter & got a new trophy wife. 🙂
B Experienced says
I will bet that she expected him to take care of her when she was sick. Some people are stunned by what my father used to say about picking a mate for marriage. It really makes sense to me though. He was a medic in WWII (the big one!) so I knew where he was coming from. He said that you should picture the guy with his legs off and if you can say that you still love him and stick with him then marry him. If you haven’t got the goods than don’t get married because it isn’t for you. The second one that I mentioned above actually asked me how I could stay with my husband because he gained a lot of weight after a knee replacement. My answer was that she should have seen me when I was pregnant. I was like the actor Tim in the move Santa Claus. I kept growing and growing. I think I rolled into the hospital to deliver. I went from a size 10 to a 20.
Good article, but disgusting that people even have to think about this kind of thing. My husband once had a woman approach him at work about his (then new)sports car: She asked him when he was going to give her a ride in it and if she could “drive his stick-shift.” Appealing, huh? He ran into the next open elevator.
Dr Tara Palmatier says
Here’s an irony – when I got back in touch with my boyfriend after we had been out of touch for 20 years since our college days, and we began to explore our romantic feelings for each other, we ended up having an argument over my reaction to learning how much money he made. But it wasn’t that it wasn’t enough for me … it was that it was SO much more than I earned, and I felt somehow like it made us unevenly matched. I was afraid that I couldn’t put my equal half into all we might do in our future, including dinners out, vacations, and home purchases. What we’ve decided to do, rather than go halfsies, is put in percentages equal to what we earn … but I still feel a little uncomfortable that I have a better standard of living than I could afford without his salary. Like a “kept woman.” Although were the situation reversed and *I* the executive, I wouldn’t think twice about it.
His ex, however, is rather lavishly outspending her alimony and child support and racking up some big debt. I do wonder, when she dates, if guys ask her how she lives so well when she works only two days a week in a low-paying job. Considering she doesn’t seem to have too many ongoing relationships, maybe they can all do math and realize they don’t want to be her next “sustainable source of income.”
I enjoy reading this. Thank you ladies soooo much for you work. 🙂
Driving a nice car is a great way to screen out awful women.
The gold diggers try to ply your ego by cooing over your wheels. They generally seem to assume the car is part of your ego structure and a quick way in to ingratiating themselves with you.
The shallow ones will assume you’re driving a nice car because you lack “something” mental or perhaps physical and are compensating. They’re the ones with the 463 bullet point checklist who will ruthlessly attempt to find fault with you and inevitably do.
Dr Tara Palmatier says
I think if anyone is cooing over your possessions, it’s likely that they’re more interested in your possessions than you.
We all have our biases. I used to find cars with shiny red sports cars, well, not to be my cup of tea. Like MB, I thought, “Oh my, the car is skank bait.” But you could say the same thing about BMW sedans and Lexuses (or is it “Lexi”?)
Then I actually spent some time getting to know a few guys who had the shiny red vettes. Yep, they attract some dubious ladies, but for these men, their cars were their childhood dream cars — I think like some girls love horses.
Of course, I’ve known a few guys with shiny sports cars who deliberately use them as bait. They weren’t for me, so I went on my merry way.
I guess my point is that you can’t always judge a book by its cover. Sometimes you have to actually open the book and read a paragraph or two or maybe even a whole chapter.
Dr T, isn’t the problem that the gold diggers are always the sexy attractive women that all men want. Otherwise they would not get away with all that greed.
The “real ladies” tend to be the dowdy women who are not so sexy. They are nice but dull and plain, just an observation
Being attractive is definitely a weapon for the Gold Digger. But that’s not to say that all attractive women are Gold Diggers. That’s like saying that all attractive men are philanderers. Both are easier to accomplish for attractive people. But certainly not a requirement.
Gold diggers are definitely not limited to attractive women. They just tend to be the most successful at it.
Gold diggers come in all shapes and sizes and modus operandi. Some women demand gifts and special treatment during the dating process and others wait until marriage-entrapment before demanding access to “our” bank accounts…or else.
I’ll never forget something my first serious girlfriend said to me after just over 6 years together. “I can’t believe you still think of this as YOUR stuff!” The relationship didn’t last too much longer after her entitlement mentality went into full blossom.
And, no, she wasn’t even close to underwear model-esque in any fashion. Entitlement mentality is impugned upon women in Western culture and does not discriminate by looks. The only defense against it is good parenting and that has been severely lacking for 50 years now.
Way off. They most interesting, sexiest, most fun women are not the gold-diggers. Nothing like a woman who is with you and not your wallet.
That is my experience anyway, gold diggers can only pull it off if they are attractive and charming.
My main point is that if we follow all the advice here, we will be only get the ugly , unsexy women who are not interested in bettering themselves (at our expense), But forewarned is forearmed,
Of course gold diggers and men who seek trophy wives complement each other, well until the woman reaches 50 anyway when she will be replaced with younger version.
Dr Tara Palmatier says
Predators come in all shapes, sizes and colors. I’ve seen really unattractive women (on the inside and outside) who are able to ensnare men.
I also know lots of beautiful, interesting, funny, smart, kind and STABLE women.
If you have a pattern of being attracted to the Crazy, it’s probably the Crazy that gets your engine going and, if so, that’s something you need to change within yourself.
Many of the men I work with had opportunities to date beautiful and kind women, but pushed them away because they weren’t feeling “it.” The “it” being the Crazy and the prospect of getting a better outcome with Crazy if they just “tried harder.”
Dr T, i have another point i would like to ask you, don’t some men NEED to have a lesson from women like this to make them more worldly wise, maybe these women are ACTUALLY helping men ?
Your site helps immensely, of course, but ultimately the best lesson is experience. Yes in a world where men are faced with divorce and government clawbacks by “child support” and “alimony”, 1 bad mistake and a man’s life is devastated , but on a personqal level men are toughened up by these women, i think
“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder” as is often said. Keep in mind Martin that the flower of youth fades quickly even with all the cosmetic fixes available today. One of the real problems with our standard of physical beauty is the retouching that every photograph in every magazine receives before it goes to print. Society promotes that to be beautiful you must be flawless. In my experience most of those “pretty” types to which you refer are not so pretty without all the makeup and the hours spent ” putting on the war paint”. The “real ladies” to which you refer as dowdy and plain usually have enough self esteem that they don’t need to spend hours putting on a false face. When they do get “all dolled up” they are just as pretty as most of the GDs you think are sexy and attractive. check out the paparazzi photos that occasionally catch the movie stars without makeup. Most of them don’t look nearly as pretty as they do on the silver screen. I will leave you with one last bit of wisdom gleaned from my grandmother. She once pointed out that “all cats are grey in the dark”
“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder”, but i always remember a poll from the 90s where over 70% of men thought Pamela Anderson to be the sexiest woman in the world.
Regarding cats in the dark, cats that think/know they are the sexiest cat will be more “feeline” in the dark no matter HOW greay they are 😉
Comming from a family with substantial wealth I was taught how spot a gold digger early on by my father. He told me as a young boy that they (GD females) “will look you up and down, first to size you up” he explained “your shoes are what she will focus on first, then your overall dress and deportment” – “if she thinks she has a live one, she will hit you with some glib flattery, then steer the conversation to your occupation, where you reside: like a job interview”. He was right, he also taught me to steer clear of any woman that could not clearly support herself..
I wish he had told me about plain old crazy, predatory women too! He left that part out! 🙁
Rolex watches are more for the nouveau riche & wannabes. Any seasoned gold digger is looking for a constellation of wealth / high starus signals. It’s easy to spot these tramps once you know thier M.O.
Dr Tara Palmatier says
All young men should be taught about crazy, predatory types. They don’t just want your gold; they want everything including your soul.
“It Don’t Mean a Thing (If You Ain’t Got that Bling)”
What good’s intregrity, what good are smarts
If you ain’t possessin’ a big balance sheet
It ain’t about you, at your heart I’ll throw darts
There’s something else that makes me complete
It don’t mean a thing, if you ain’t got that bling
It don’t mean a thing, if I don’t get the ring
It makes no diff’rence if you’re sweet or not
Just give me ev’rything that you’ve got
It don’t mean a thing, if it ain’t got that bling
– with apologies to Duke Ellington & Ella Fitzgerald
I think micksbabe missteps when she says a real woman “does not expect her ex-husband to supplement her lifestyle beyond what they are legally required to do.”
As for alimony: it’s been 40 years since the civil rights revolution in the US kicked into high gear. Woman are outpacing men in college admissions, academic performance and graduation, and are at par or better in many professions. In most contemporary couples both partners work in their careers for many years before they decide to have children. In light of all that, a woman who expects and accepts alimony at all is a gold digger.
As for child support: in many jurisdictions the legal child support guidelines bear no connection whatsoever to the total costs of raising a child, never mind that they should reflect one parent’s share of that burden. Typically, the mom refuses to split custody and the court accepts her refusal as evidence of too much conflict for split custody to work. She then get’s primary, the husband gets pushed to the margins of the child’s life, and then he has to surrender sometimes up to half his take home pay to her the privelege of having to ‘visit’ with his children while he moves into his parent’s basement.
Is it legal? Sure, but so wasn’t slavery….but slavery being legal didn’t REQUIRE a white man to own a slave. Nor does a legal child support guideline compel a mom to take the full amount of CS.
In fact, since my divorce I’ve met several women who’ve told me they worked out different arrangements with the court so they could take LESS than the guideline amount. One said “the guidelines are ridiculous…I could never do that to my ex…” (One of the many ironies here is that the court doesn’t like to make exceptions/reductions to the guidline amounts even if the custodial parent is willing to do so.)
In my case, my ex’s (after CS) net income is double what mine is. I struggle to make rent while she takes the kids to Disney World. What’s more insane is that according to my state’s guidelines for me to get a 25% reduction in CS she’d have to make DOUBLE what I make. Weirder yet, for me to get a 50% reduction in CS she’d have to be earning FOUR times what I make.
Let’s be real. Legal has nothing to do with what’s right. A woman who accepts the full guideline child support when a) it is more than needed to cover her ex’s fair share of actual child support costs, and/or b) to accept the full amount would reduce the dad’s standard of living below her own is also a straight our gold digger.
Dr Tara Palmatier says
I think MB understands your point, which is spot on. It seems to me to be more of an oversight.
The whole system needs an overhaul. It is just obscene. However, since divorce attorneys have a stake in keeping the status quo, how do we change it? I would love to see a man with deep pockets sue his ex’s attorney in civil court for malicious something and pain and suffering and what ever else can be thrown at the negative advocate. The system won’t change because it needs to for the families it serves. It will only change when the people who run the crooked system get kneed where it hurts — their wallets and their public reputations.
When the SO started out on the journey of getting out of his marriage he was very surprised to discover in NZ there was a very simple calculation for working out child support based on income as demonstrated through PAYE tax, the number of children and the amount of time in each parent’s custody. He did it 3 times and then spoke to me about it. I referred him for a quick chat to an accountant friend who succinctly put it “Are you surprised to be told you would pay so little, given your experience of your wife being able to spend all of your income with ease?”
In NZ there is NO alimony. Matrimonial property is a 50:50 split, but assets prior to marriage will be exempted if there is proof of prior ownership. CS is only paid above a certain threshold, and if it is not paid voluntarily by one or both parties, the state takes it out as an additional tax.
Oh, and it is BOTH parties, now his STBX is earning some money he will be putting in for her to pay child support to him.
His lawyer said “Yes, you can chose to pay more, but given she is insisting everything should go to the courts, then I strongly recommend only paying what you are legally required to.”
Ron On Drums says
Excellent article. I am now in the dating world again….LONG story but these actually are some red flags I look out for already. The one about must have a job though I can understand. I have seen far to many guys who do nothing & mooch of their girlfriends who work all day. I just tell them I have started recently brokering insurance & it is a new start up business. Translation. I don’t make that much yet but can support myself…lol It is sort of true. I started it 18months ago & it is doing okay. Not getting rich but making ends meet. But it scares off the gold diggers…lol
Dr Tara Palmatier says
I am now in the dating world again.
What happened, Ron? Are you alright? Was it the healthy choice for all involved? I recall your partner had some health issues? Is she okay?
You don’t have to go into the details, of course, and I don’t have to tell you that. Just concerned. Let us know if you’d like some support.
Ron On Drums says
Hey Dr T. yea it is kind of long. Her health for the most part has been much improved for some time. But there were other issues. She is basicly a very good woman but that doesn’t always translate into a good wife. So I am not going to throw her under the bus & speak ill of her. But I am the one who made the decision & am on solid ground.
Here comes the weird part. We are still living under the same roof as roommates & it is really working well for us. We are one of the few couples I know who could actually pull this off. We just do much better as friends than a couple. But we were never that fighting, arguing couple that grew to hate each other. I am dating again. It was actually her idea. She said to go out to date, meet some people & get on with living. She even used the words “hell go get laid, It has been a while & you deserve that”. She said it with a smile.
I still do some minor things for her in regards to her medical needs. Also she can’t drive & has no family here so I run all the errands she needs done. I don’t mind at all. The marriage may have failed but we remain friends. I am also a man of character who will not abadon a friend in need.
I realize we are by far the exception & not the rule. Especially here but it works for us. She is dating as well & I couldn’t be happier for her. Neither of us ever had any jealousy issues anyway & she cant have sex to begin with. That will make it difficult to find somebody.
Because I am a drummer in a rock band I couldn’t have a jealous wife or girlfriend. The business by it’s nature attracts female fans. Not that I mess with them but a LOT of women can’t handle the attention we get. That is going to be a HUGE issue for me in dating. I have seen more of the type of women many here deal with screw up some really talented bands because of insane jealousy on behalf of one members wife/girlfriend. Anyway that is actually the short version…lol
Thanks for asking
Dr Tara Palmatier says
Glad both you and she are okay. Whatever works for you, works for you!
Ron On Drums says
Oh A FUNNY side note. Years ago I was a radio announcer (on air personality) at a CHR (Top 40) station. We used to get all these young teenage girls calling you. They ALL asked two questions…”Do you have a girlfriend & what kind of car do you drive”?
We used to have real fun with these calls. I told one “well I am a married ax murderer but I drive a brand new Corvette. The ax murder part went RIGHT over her head & she said..”Oh MY God I wanna meet you”. I kid you not. Can we say gold digger in training….lol
Dr Tara Palmatier says
That’s pretty funny.
I know of a person(who shall remain nameless because she cyberstalks me) who was enraged because the man she dated would not sell his condo right away to buy a house she desired. She had no intention of contributing to the downpayment. And, she was also complaining that he would not marry her so she could have access to his health benefits.
Funny, she told me she was not attracted to him. Yet, once she saw that house and required health benefits, she wanted him to marry her.
I got a sperm digger, not a Gold Digger. She took all of my love, she took all of my kindness, all of my personality, all of my dignity, sucked the marrow out of all of it. she wonders why I’m not sweet and engaging anymore…I’ve got something worse than a Gold Digger, I’ve got an invalidating soul terrorist. You don’t need money to be endangered, a kind heart is what they really want to chew on….!!!!BEWARE!!!! you don’t have to have money for these monsters to do you in.
Ughh, it sounds like you got ahold of an emotional vampire. That’s another topic.
That’s a good label! I’m trying to figure a way out of this mess, but living paycheck to paycheck is my problem, my savings and retirement have long since been exhausted by said EV and she has now moved onto chewing the grizzle off of my spirit…
Morning Star says
The car thing is a big red flag. So is the enquiry about a man’s salary. Other indicators (from my observation) are:
– those really long fake finger nails (I think they call them ‘French nails’)
– ‘f*ck me’ clothing and footwear
– women who screech and squeal when they are in a group of other women.
Real, stable women have no need to present themselves this way. In fact, they are saddened by their (ahem) ‘sisters’ that do…
I am glad you posted this article. I was having a hard time with my wife and met someone else, we talked online for a month or so and I expressed my thoughts of wanting to leave my wife and began looking for an apartment.
This women is 39, Single and offered me to stay with her, told me all the bills she had was pretty honest upfront about her bankruptsy and even went out shopping at target bought all kinds of things to stock up and then filed, but they caught up to that and she has to pay target back. She would from time to time point out things that she had bought and went ‘bankrupt’ on as time went on. She even had her boobs done, gastric bypass and tummy tuck. She even bragged about having her boobs bankrupted too.
I did move in with her for 7 months now – I am self-employed and even from the beginning she seemed concerned about my money, even her parents said it was a red flag that i was self employed, maybe because her father was and failed at it owning a liquor store, I didn’t feel good about that, I am doing something I love to do. They seemed concerned on whether I could ‘provide’ for their daughter or not. Our first few dates were cheap, Denny’s, Just walks through museums I didn’t get the idea that she was a gold-digger, she also loves coupons, gets them on groupon and most of the time her part of the dinner is free and I end up paying the tip and for my share anyway.
She began charging me for half her mortgage right from the beginning and wanted me to help her with repairs all over her house. The yardwork, etc. Her Furnace went early on and she asked me first to borrow money for that, I did not feel good doing it, she didn’t press it and asked her grandfather for the money. Keep in mind she makes 40,000 a year and is single with a small house. She would tell me I wasn’t being productive if i wasn’t helping her with every thing she was doing. ‘Why don’t i do everything’ she says ‘It’s my house anyway’ – even though the day before i mowed the grass and organized the garage.
She would make comments saying ‘ Are you going to take care of me?’ and ‘When can I quit my job’ etc.. this was only 3-4 months into the relationship. I don’t make that much I just started my business and I can’t believe she would ask me those things. Should I leave? She starting talking about having a kid and getting married and I am not even divorced yet. She tried holding my body close to hers to force a pregnancy but denies it if I bring it up but she clearly tried to hold me to her but I didn’t allow that to happen.
She likes to shop, alot of our dates consist of us stopping at stores and looking at every single item in the store – she seems to be coupon crazy and talks about saving money all the time but it would seem to me going in the store in the first place that much even if it’s on sale poses a problem if you really don’t need it.
Even though i help split half of all the bills, including spring water- if i leave a light on by accident she came home from work after the night shift and actually woke me up asking me why I left the light on like it was such a big deal. What are you thoughts on this?
I have been debating what to do, I think I have to leave her, I do have feelings for her but it concerns me. I have a truck that is paid for, no rust, perfect shape and in the beginning too she was trying to tell me I should trade it in for a new one, I just spite her and say ‘I am driving this thing until it’s loud and rusty’ and she shakes her head like she is concerned with some type of image attached to that.
She does buy me things, finds things online but if she buys me something like a pair of shoes or boots, it is on the list of things I have to pay back to her come the end of the month along with half of the other bills. I told her not to buy me things without my permission, I mean if i need something I will buy it, I certainly don’t want someone controlling my personal budget by buying me things then having me pay them back for it when I never needed it in the first place.
What are your thoughts on this whole thing? I have to make a decision here.
She’s a flake.
Cur your losses and chalk it up to a learning experience, see the red flags…You’ve mentioned a LOT – I suggest copying and pasting into a word Doc and actually bolding them in red font.
Do NOT leave a forwarding address. Block her cell phone number. She’ll become very reticent, and you may even experience a “180-degree” change in her personality (people don’t change that much that quickly – or ever – that’s a sign that one side of that personality is an illusion…read a few more article on here, especially those of your kindred spirits who have lived to tell, and you’ll know which one it is).
You had me at the first few lines – age 39 (no kids, presumably?) – $40k a year (about my salary, with two kids) – filed bankruptcy yet continues to piss away money at Target and for a boob job (to hook a desperate, ‘rich’ man, methinks)…she’s a flake.
talking marriage at 3-4 months? That’s usually how long it takes most people to start to fall in love, much less feel ready to commit.
It’s 2011 – NO able-bodied 39 yo needs anyone to PROVIDE for them. She’s NOT 16!!! A healthy adult female would take offense to a man trying to provide for them financially (well, I would anyway).
She buys you gifts – things you never asked her to get for you–then expects you to pay her back for them?
Dude – that’s not normal. She’s using you. She does not love you.
Oh my emotiondetector that is exactly the same story as my now Ex! I had only been living with her for 6 weeks when out came a huge unpaid gas bill that she had run up and couldn’t pay. She wanted me to stump up the hundreds of pounds to pay it. I was already paying my way in the house and basically she threw me out.
The sad thing is we got back together but it never worked for a million reasons. And yes she was an ex bankruptee as well! All the alarm bells were ringing to everyone else but as usual I just ignored them.
My life is so much simpler and great now. I paddle my own canoe and will never, ever get involved again. The trauma of living with such a woman leaves many, many scars and money for me was just a part of the fruit cake that I got lumbered with!
Good luck mate but seriously run for the Goddam hills!
Black Jaguar Sport here…Guess that’s where I’ve been going wrong lol! Maybe get a banged up old mini for dating. Or then again just not date lol.