Narcissists don’t experience grief like most people do. Instead of grieving, they feel aggrieved. Narcissists, borderlines, and other personality disordered individuals are incapable of healthily navigating the stages of grief. Their chronic emotional immaturity, lack of self-awareness, and self-centeredness make it impossible to process grief constructively. This dysfunction becomes especially apparent in high-conflict divorces, custody battles, and post-divorce shared custody situations.
In this two-part series, I’ll explore how these individuals experience loss—not as grief but as a profound sense of grievance. This sense of grievance often leads to aggressive and destructive behaviors, particularly in high-conflict divorce. If you’re divorcing a narcissist, histrionic or borderline, understanding these dynamics can help you anticipate and prepare for the challenges ahead–and there will be challenges.
Grief vs. Aggrievement and Grievance
Grief is the emotional pain felt when someone or something we love is taken away. Narcissists, however, don’t grieve people or relationships. Instead, they feel intense aggrievement when confronted with rejection, disappointment, accountability, or consequences. Their pain isn’t about losing an important person or bond. Instead, they react to the perceived injustice of losing what they believe they’re entitled to.
Again, this isn’t grief; it’s a deep sense of being wronged, usually expressed through relentless and very vocal grievances. This is also why they can quickly move on to new relationships—they’re not mourning the loss of a person but rather the loss of narcissistic supply. This pattern extends to all forms of loss, whether it’s a job, power, status, or admiration.
For narcissists and borderlines, losing isn’t just about the absence of something; it’s about the intolerable feeling of being seen as inadequate or inferior—in other words, a “loser.” When they can’t “win,” they often seek to destroy anyone they see as an adversary, even if it means hurting their own children to punish the other parent, for example.
Breaking up with these individuals is typically a harrowing experience. The proverbial troll under the bridge will demand a pound of flesh (and then some) before you can cross over to the “Freedom from Crazy” trail. Their extreme behaviors are rooted in the narcissist’s or borderline’s deep-seated fears. Understanding these fears—and how they threaten the narcissist’s or borderline’s false self—is critical for anticipating their destructive behaviors.
Threats to the False Self Trigger Aggression, Not Grief
Narcissists and borderlines are hypersensitive to criticism and rejection, experiencing these as direct threats to their false self. The false self is a carefully crafted facade that individuals with NPD or BPD present to the world. It’s designed to make them appear normal, kind, successful, powerful, or hardworking—essentially embodying the superiority they desperately wish to project. Beneath this mask, however, lies a deeply troubled and underdeveloped child.
This false self is incredibly fragile, relying on constant external validation to remain intact. Perceived slights or rejections are felt as existential threats because they expose the emptiness and inadequacy these individuals are desperate to hide. In other words, threats to the false self are experienced as a matter of false self preservation vs. false self annihilation.
When the false self is threatened, these individuals respond with aggression, not grief. Aggression serves as a defense mechanism, a way to protect their idealized image. The intensity of their aggressive response often depends on the severity of the perceived threat. If the threat is minor, narcissists attack with the goal of regaining control. However, if the threat is great—such as when they fear exposure or realize they can no longer manipulate you—they may attack with the intent to destroy.
For example, if an NPD/BPD spouse can still manipulate you into submission, they may not seek to destroy you, provided you remain a reliable source of narcissistic supply. Conversely, if you’re no longer easily manipulated, new supply is available, or the narcissist fears you will expose them, they’ll escalate their aggression with the intent to annihilate. Understanding these fears offers important insight into the aggressive behaviors you’re likely to encounter during a high-conflict divorce.
Forms of Attack
Narcissists and borderlines deploy various forms of attack when they perceive threats to their false self. These attacks are not just about causing harm—they also serve to preserve their fragile self-image by deflecting blame and avoiding accountability. Here are some of the most common tactics:
Destroying your reputation via smear campaigns:
Smear campaigns serve a dual purpose–harming you and preserving the false self. By damaging your reputation, the narcissist or borderline reduces the likelihood that others will believe you if you try to expose them. This tactic is particularly effective in isolating you from potential allies, as it creates doubt and mistrust in your social and professional circles.
Alienating you from your children through parental alienation:
Narcissistic and borderline parents often engage in parental alienation, manipulating their children’s perceptions to portray themselves as the loving, victimized parent while casting the other parent as the villain. This not only punishes the other parent but also maintains the narcissist’s control over the children’s loyalty and affection. By keeping the children aligned with them, the NPD/BPD parent reinforces their false self and secures a captive source of validation and narcissistic supply.
Sabotaging your career with false abuse allegations:
A narcissistic, borderline, or histrionic ex may contact your employer with false claims of abuse or other criminal behavior, aiming to damage your professional reputation and jeopardize your livelihood. This punishes you for perceived slights and reinforces the their sense of power and control. Additionally, it protects their false self by projecting traits like laziness, dishonesty, or incompetence onto you—qualities they refuse to acknowledge in themselves.
Threats to the false self provoke aggression. These are the same fears that drive the destructive behaviors exhibited by narcissists and borderlines in high-conflict divorce situations. These attacks are not random; they’re calculated responses designed to protect the fragile false self upon which they depend to survive in the world.
Five Fears That Threaten the Narcissist’s and Borderline’s False Self in High-Conflict Divorce
Five core fears drive the destructive behaviors of narcissists and borderlines in a high-conflict divorce. Understanding these fears is critical to anticipating the often bizarre and increasingly destructive tactics they employ:
1. The Fear of Rejection:
Rejection threatens the narcissist’s and borderline’s sense of worth. It’s intolerable because it undermines the false self, often leading to frantic attempts to regain approval, or conversely, to diminish and discredit the person who rejected them. They do these things to reassert their perceived superiority. Whether through manipulation or outright aggression, their goal is to avoid the pain of rejection no matter the cost to themselves and others.
2. The Fear of Losing Control:
Narcissists and borderlines seek control because it gives them a sense of safety and dominance. Feeling powerless and vulnerable leads to manipulative or domineering behavior to regain control over their environment and relationships. Their fear of losing control can escalate into extremely abusive behavior, such as attempting to control their ex-partner’s finances, relationships, or even parenting decisions, in order to maintain dominance and protect their fragile identity.
3. The Fear of Losing Narcissistic Supply:
Narcissists depend on external sources of validation—such as money, status, power, or attention—to sustain the false self. Losing any of these resources threatens their sense of security and superiority, and can result in both underhanded and heavy-handed attempts to reclaim what they feel entitled to. This fear frequently drives them to employ ruthless tactics in divorce proceedings, such as hiding assets or fighting for an unfair share of marital property, all in an effort to secure supply and bolster the false self.
4. The Fear of Appearing or Feeling Inferior or Inadequate:
The narcissist’s false self exists to protect them from feelings of inferiority and inadequacy. They’re terrified of being seen as “less than,” and this fear drives much of their aggressive behavior. Anything that challenges their carefully crafted image—whether it’s a perceived slight, a loss in court, or an ex-partner’s success—can trigger intense feelings of inadequacy, causing them to lash out in an attempt to restore the false self.
5. The Fear of Exposure:
The greatest fear for a narcissist is that their true self—fragile, insecure, and flawed—will be exposed, subjecting them to scorn, ridicule, and the dismantling of the false self. When triggered, they react in bizarre and increasingly destructive ways. For instance, minor disagreements quickly escalate into full-blown conflicts, or they obsessively smear you to anyone who’ll listen. In severe cases, they may experience a narcissistic collapse, where the false self crumbles due to of a lack of supply or exposed vulnerabilities, leading to severe depression, withdrawal, rage, or even violence.
These fears are the primary drivers of the extreme aggression seen in high-conflict divorces involving narcissists and borderlines. They manifest in a range of destructive behaviors, including false abuse allegations, parental alienation, theft of marital assets, pathological entitlement (believing they’re owed more than 50% of the marital assets), and other petty, malicious, and vindictive tactics.
Conclusion
Understanding the fears that drive narcissists and borderlines during high-conflict divorce allows you to anticipate their destructive behaviors and plan more effectively. In other words, it helps you to better protect yourself and your kids.
Educating your attorney about these dynamics is equally important. Ensure they understand that your narcissistic, borderline, or histrionic ex is not the scared victim they pretend to be, but the angry, spiteful aggressor who prioritizes her own needs over the well-being of the children and the law. This awareness is vital for countering manipulations that could otherwise sway family court rulings in her favor.
In the second part of this article series, I’ll discuss The Narcissist’s Stages of Aggrievement and Grievance, as they experience loss and threats to the false self. You’ll learn how their emotions escalate from denial to anger to vindictiveness and how it can impact divorce or custody battles. I should have it published in a few days, so please check back.
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Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD helps individuals with relationship and codependency issues via telephone or Skype. For over a decade, she has specialized in helping men and women break free of abusive relationships, cope with the stress of ongoing abuse and heal from the trauma. She combines practical advice, emotional support and goal-oriented outcomes. If you’d like to work with Dr. Palmatier, please visit the Schedule a Session page or you can email her directly at [email protected].
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