The challenges men face against BPD and NPD ex-wives in Family Court are many. First and foremost, how do you explain a high-conflict ex’s behavior to the court in such a way that you’re believed? For that matter, how do you explain a personality disordered ex’s behavior to your attorney? Or a custody evaluator, parenting coordinator, children’s therapist and/or a co-parenting therapist? What about the guardian ad litem? More importantly, how do you describe her behavior without sounding crazy, paranoid or being labeled the “true narcissist?”
This is especially true if the BPD/NPD ex is good at masking her crazy in front of the judge and other key players in divorce and custody litigation. Or, as one client’s ex-wife’s attorney said on a call to my client’s lawyer, “Go ahead. Submit [your client’s] documentation to the court. Yeah, my client’s crazy, but she presents well and the judge hates your client.”
This circumstance is not at all unusual. This woman’s attorney recognizes that her client is both nuts and dishonest. Nevertheless, she knowingly lies on her client’s behalf in and out of court with zero consequences to her and her client. This is yet another one of the challenges men face against BPD and NPD ex-wives in Family Court. There are rarely consequences to female litigants’ and their attorneys’ deliberate perjuries.
My client has a tremendous amount of documentation that proves his ex’s abuse of him and their children. Yet, the judge continues to rule in favor of the mother and treats my client with contemptuous derision. Why?
It’s likely due to some combination of the many other challenges men face against BPD and NPD ex-wives in Family Court. I refer to the bias, ignorance and absolute discretionary impunity to disregard the state’s family laws. If the judge in this case would apply them, this woman would be ordered to therapy, lose custody time and joint educational and medical decision-making.
What are the main challenges men face against BPD and NPD ex-wives in Family Court?
In my clinical experience, the challenges malee abuse victims face in Family Court fall into the following nine categories:
- Ignorance and/or outright denial about male abuse victims.
- Anti-male bias.
- Egregious double standards in custody order enforcement and consequences for misconduct and/or criminal acts.
- Few to no consequences for women who make false abuse allegations, obtain restraining orders based on false allegations and other abuses of process.
- Laziness and incompetence of court officials.
- Inherent inefficiencies and inadequacies of Family Court.
- Judicial impotence and, in some cases, malfeasance.
- Few to no consequences for attorney ethics and practice violations.
- The exorbitant cost incurred in order to get a settlement and custody agreement that’s somewhere in the ballpark of fair.
There are other categories, but these are the most common ones my clients encounter. To illustrate, let’s explore two case examples of some of these challenges.
Ignorance and/or outright denial about male abuse victims + anti-male bias.
Anti-male bias is a combination of prejudice, sexism and misandry. It stems from ignorance and/or denial about male abuse victims. While anti-male bias due to ignorance is harmful, conscious contempt for male victims is far worse.
For example, Client A shares a special needs son, “Zach,” with his still not ex-wife who was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. His divorce proceedings are in year 5, which is a tale too long to explain here. Zach’s mom has physically assaulted him on multiple occasions. She slapped and punched Zach in the face and dragged him across the floor by his shirt collar. She’s also routinely withheld the medication necessary for him to function well at school.
Her abuses have been documented by the police, my client, Zach’s therapist, the parenting coordinator and his school. Client A has evidence of his ex assaulting him during the marriage and after separation. He’s also documented over 50 incidents of the ex being in contempt of various court orders over the last 5 years.
The court has known about the ex’s physical abuse of Zach for over a year. However, they live in a state that supports corporal punishment, which is how the ex’s attorney frames her physical abuse. Thus far, the judge has yet to administer a single consequence for the BPD ex’s multiple incidents of child abuse and various other court order violations with the exception of some very stern finger wagging [sarcasm].
So what happened?
Eventually, the judge did his job and ruled in the best interests of the child. He did so only after the GAL reported that Zach’s mom was withholding his medication. This is 16 months after Client A’s attorney told the court the very same thing.
Client A and I discussed if he should provide the court documentation of the multiple incidents of domestic violence his ex committed against him to strengthen his custody case. In my experience, judges typically don’t care if a man is a domestic violence victim. However, I wondered if it could be used to show a longstanding pattern of emotional volatility and violence.
My client asked his attorney to weigh in. And he did. His attorney replied:
As for your abuse comments, you’re probably not going to like what I say, bit I believe in always being honest with you. Yes, there is a big double standard in society and also in our courts, as a reflection of society. You are correct.
If you had done the things to Zach that his Mom has, you wouldn’t have any unsupervised time sharing. If you were the abuser, the court would take pity on her.
But as a male, there’s a common sentiment, albeit incorrect, that men can’t be abused by women. You and I both know this is incorrect, but I have personally heard judges in domestic violence court call a male petitioner a ‘pussy’ behind closed doors because he was seeking an injunction against his wife.
All the focus in society (news, TV, movies, etc.) is on women being abused by men and never about the abuse women can and do perpetuate against men. That being said, appealing to the court as an abused male could very well be met with disdain rather than sympathy. I don’t know how this particular judge would process the information, overall it’s generally not a good look for men. The bigger issue is Mom’s violence against Zach.”
This is sickening. Just as sickening as if judges widely believed female abuse victims must’ve done something to deserve it or were asking for it. How do we remedy this?
For starters, states should mandate that for every training hour, conference, symposium, cocktail event, etc., that judges, GALs, attorneys and other family court apparatchik attend run by female domestic violence victims organizations that they attend an equal amount of trainings, conferences and such run by male domestic violence victims organizations. I also think gender blind custody reports could be effective.
Few to no consequences for attorney ethics and practice violations.
Over the 15 plus years I’ve specialized in helping abused men, I can only think of three cases in which clients’ opposing counsel received consequences for ethical violations and other misconduct. And that’s not because the majority of opposing counsels have been model examples of professional ethics. The degree of opposing counsels who lie in court, file frivolous, meritless motions and drive court costs is staggering.
In all three cases, opposing counsel instructed their clients to lie in their statements to the court. In other words, to make false abuse allegations and other false statements. In all three cases, these attorneys also lied or knowingly made misrepresentations to the court. In other words, lying lawyer liars who tell lies in court.
In two out of the three cases, the judge ordered sanctions against these attorneys. One lawyer evaded the sanctions by negotiating her way out of them in order for my client to not be as badly screwed in the financial settlement. Please note, this attorney negotiated this deal for herself against her client’s financial interests.
The second lawyer evaded his sanctions because the case dragged on for 4 years and he was attorney number 4 out of 7. Also, the judge who ordered the sanctions was judge 2 out of 3. See the problem?
The third lawyer’s sanctions are TBD. The case languishes on as it approaches it’s fourth year in the court system. If I were a gambling woman, I’d bet this attorney evades accountability, too.
How do we remedy this? First, no judge should have immunity. Second, Bar Association ethics review boards should not be comprised of other family law attorneys. That’s like appointing a fox to police the hen house. Meaningful consequences work. Why don’t these attorneys police themselves? Because so many of them do it and follow the money.
Conclusion.
These are just two examples of the challenges men face against BPD and NPD ex-wives in Family Court. In Part 2, I will provide more case examples. My goal is to educate male abuse victims who are going through the legal process on what to watch out for and, hopefully, how to protect themselves from worst case scenarios. For example, knowing when to change attorneys, or when and how a guardian ad litem may be useful. Please check back soon for the follow-up article or subscribe for regular updates.
Counseling, Consulting and Coaching with Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD
I provide help for men in relationships with abusive women. Since 2009, I’ve specialized in helping abused men end toxic relationships, cope with the stress of ongoing abuse, high-conflict divorce, parallel parenting skills and heal from the subsequent trauma. I combine practical advice, emotional support and goal-oriented outcomes. If you’d like to work with me, please visit the Schedule a Session page or you can email me directly at [email protected]. or [email protected].
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