The Narcissistic Woman’s Relationship Manifesto, Part 3 ends the critique of bikini-clad “relationship coach,” Gia Macool’s relationship advice tweet. While dissecting Macool’s warped views on men, women and relationships has been fun, the subject matter is quite serious. Ultimately, the kind of advice Macool peddles is symptomatic of much broader societal issues regarding relationships.
Relationship advice is not one-size-fits-all. For example, books like The Five Love Languages and Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus are written for normies; not people in toxic relationships with personality disordered partners. If you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, histrionic or borderline, these books are unlikely to help you. In fact, based on my counseling experience, they’ll likely make things worse. If you’re in a relationship with a BPD, NPD or HPD, following relationship advice for non-disordered couples usually leads to more enabling, more abuse and more relationship dysfunction.
Reading books on organic gardening won’t help you learn to swim with sharks happily ever after.
And following advice on how-to be more attractive to human sharks (i.e., toxic people) who are incapable of sustaining healthy relationships will result in more relationships with — you guessed it — similarly toxic people who are similarly incapable of sustaining healthy relationships. Macool’s advice may aid you in attracting and keeping an emotionally immature, entitled, unempathetic, self-absorbed woman devoid of integrity for a time. But is that the kind of woman and relationship you want? One that’s superficial and characterized by game playing?
ProgrammingDad posted a comment to The Narcissistic Woman’s Relationship Manifesto, Part 2 that sums this up:
One of the problems of being in a relationship with these types of women is that conventional relationship advice doesn’t apply and can even make the situation worse. (One thing I saw recently was “it takes 2 to tango”, and men need to own their part of relationship conflict, advice that would never be given to women in abusive relationships (https://www.drpsychmom.com/5-things-to-say-to-your-wife-when-she-is-mad/).
The irony is that dating advice is tailored toward these types of women. Now, perhaps these are the type of women who are disproportionately represented in the dating market.”
But this isn’t the type of relationship we should want. But we have dating advice that will help you land a disordered woman, and then relationship advice that only works with well-adjusted women.
Ultimately, the burden is on you to be a more discerning information consumer. That is, if you’re looking for an enduring, two-way street relationship with an emotionally mature adult. In other words, NOT the kind of woman Gia Macool seems to believe is representative of women, which is probably because the lady doth project too much.
“What she wants from you is integrity.”
Macool claims women want men to have integrity. I agree, this is an important quality in a relationship partner, man or woman. Given Macool’s beliefs, I have some questions. How does she define integrity? Does she think it’s important for women to have integrity, too, or just men? Also, does Macool think the behaviors, motivations and attitudes she identifies as typical of women are consistent with a person of integrity?
To be clear, the kind of woman Macool describes doesn’t have integrity. Far from it. The woman she describes is two-faced, pathologically dishonest, scheming and hypocritical. Yet, according to Macool, women lacking integrity want to be with men who possess and practice integrity. She’s right about this one. Selfish jerks usually aren’t interested in coupling with other selfish jerks.
Let’s flip this around. Does Macool believe men who always have a “Plan B,” monkey branch from relationship to relationship, treat nice women like crap and infantilize women have integrity? Would she want to be with a man with these personality traits and moral turpitude? Or, is this another one of her double standards?
And therein lies the problem. Well, just one problem in a problem-riddled relationship manifesto. If only one partner conducts himself or herself with integrity, then abuse and exploitation will undoubtedly follow. If you desire a healthy, mutual relationship, both partners need to follow the Golden Rule; not Macool’s Rules.
“Girls don’t want to hear some, long, drawn out, heartfelt, communication from you.”
It’s telling that Macool refers to women as “girls.” I’d put the type of women Macool describes around the emotional age of 12- to 15-years old. Nevertheless, fair point. Neither little girls nor little boys want to be burdened with adult difficulties and emotions. When moms and dads use their kids as emotional support animals it’s a kind of abuse called parentification.
Except that Macool’s relationship advice isn’t directed at children. It’s for adults.
A partner, woman or man, who isn’t interested in your thoughts, feelings and generally being a supportive partner in a two-way street relationship is a crap partner. That is, a crap partner who lacks empathy, emotional depth and emotional attunement. You can do better.
“They [women] want a dependable leader.”
While I’m not certain what Macool means by “dependable leader,” I suspect it’s a Christian thing. In which case, leader means a man who:
- Supports his wife emotionally, physically and spiritually, and who can protect the family from harm or challenges.
- Makes thoughtful and considerate decisions for the family, often in consultation with his wife, but ultimately taking responsibility for the family’s direction.
- Leads through serving his family, showing love, humility, and sacrifice, mirroring the example of Jesus Christ.
- Exhibits moral integrity and strong character, setting a positive example for the family and earning respect through his actions.
I won’t speak to Christian values, beliefs, etc. Over the years, I’ve worked with several men who attended marriage counseling with their pastors, ministers, etc. These clients all had/have wives with severe personality disorder traits, diagnosed and undiagnosed. These men were uniformly told the marital issues were their fault becausethey failed in their role of leader.
J.F.C. — pun intended.
Good luck “leading” an abusive personality disordered wife who refuses to be accountable, gaslights, engages in DARVO and makes false abuse claims. It doesn’t work. In my opinion, these Christian counselors colluded and participated in my clients/their congregants’ abuse.
Being the “leader” in your relationship requires a wife/girlfriend who is capable of both sharing responsibility and being supportive. In my experience, petulant children in adult bodies are neither of these things.
“Set boundaries and then act on your words. Nuff said.”
Given Macool’s other opinions, I don’t think setting boundaries means what she thinks it means. If a self-respecting man sets boundaries with this kind of woman, he’ll likely be accused of abuse and coercive control. When clients try to set reasonable boundaries with their toxic partners or exes (with whom they share children), they get some version of, “Stop trying to control me!” Which roughly translates to, “You won’t let me steamroll and disrespect you! You’re so MEAN!!!”
Additionally, women and men with these issues experience accountability and consequences as abuse. Macool’s tough talk is great in theory. In practice, setting boundaries and practicing accountability in this kind of relationship often result in an escalation of the NPD/BPD wife’s or grilfriend’s abuse and victim playing.
If you’re a man, this could mean 911 calls, false allegations of abuse to the police, restraining orders, being removed from your home and not seeing your kids.
In other words, Macool’s advice to men involved with a Macool’s Rules woman is not only bullshit; it’s potentially dangerous bullshit.
“Deep down every girl wants to relinquish control and submit herself to a man who is a competent leader.”
Okay, Lady Fifty Shades of Eat, Love, Prey, Gray. Is this the toxic conservative Christian woman’s version of the toxic feminist woman’s rape fantasy (i.e., every man is rapist just waiting for the opportunity to rape)? Both fantasies, in my opinion, are indicative of women who reject personal agency and don’t want to take responsibility for their choices and/or sexuality.
[*To clarify, I’m not saying actually being raped is a choice, so just stop. “Current research indicates that between 31% and 57% of women have fantasies in which they are forced into sex against their will, and for 9% to 17% of women these are a frequent or favorite fantasy experience” (Critelli, 2008). In other words, rape fantasies are a thing.]
These women seek to be regarded as adults and enjoy the privileges that come with adulthood. However, they wish to avoid the responsibilities and negative repercussions that accompany irresponsible and destructive behavior. When they eventually face the consequences of their poor choices, much like men do, they often interpret it as abuse, discrimination or evidence of misogyny, depending on their preferred perspective.
Women and men with this kind of psychology don’t make good partners.
“If you’re a follower, like her, don’t be surprised when she ghosts you and walks away.”
First, the Macool’s Rules woman isn’t a follower. Nor is she a leader. She’s an emotionally stunted child who’s incapable of healthy adult relationships. This is a woman who doesn’t take personal responsibility. She expects her man to take responsibility for everything in the relationship including her emotions and behavior. In this respect, she’s a dependent who will unlikely ever grow up. In other words, she’s an albatross, a burden, a cross you’re choosing to bear, etc.
When a man inevitably disappoints the Macool’s Rules woman by not fulfilling her Instagram influencer fantasies, she secretly starts looking for her next hero/daddy/enabler/BS putter upper. Again, this kind of woman makes a lousy girlfriend/wife. These women seem to want some bizarre mash-up of strong protective father who never criticizes her and never disappoints his princess and Mr. Macho sex god. Except that in normie land, healthy men an women don’t seek relationship with children nor children in adult bodies.
This tracks with what many of my clients experience in their relationships with borderline, narcissist and histrionic woman. Initially, they’re put on a pedestal. They’re the best lover, most handsome, smartest and sexiest (i.e., love bombing). Next is devaluation. During this stage, my clients go from lover/hero to the disappointing daddy who can’t do anything right and everything is his fault — and responsibility.
Male borderlines and narcissists do the same thing to their female partners, too. Same goes for same sex relationships with personality disordered individuals. What Macool refers to as ghosting and walking away is the discard stage. That is the life cycle of relationships with toxic people. Idealize (love bomb), devalue and discard.
Concluding the Narcissistic Woman’s Relationship Manifesto, Part 3.
There are all kinds of people in the world. Some of them are like the men and women Macool describe. If you’re in that category, good luck finding the happiness that will likely evade you forever. If you’re a person of integrity who possesses empathy, emotional maturity, emotional stability and accountability, please disregard Macool’s advice. It will bring you neither relationship satisfaction nor good emotional health.
A more accurate title for Macool’s advice oeuvre would be How to Be More Attractive to Emotionally Immature, Emotionally Unstable, Likely Personality Disordered Women Who Are Both Pathological Liars and Professional Victims. There is no lasting relationship contentedness with these kinds of women. So don’t make yourself more attractive to them. That’s like the gazelle with an injured leg wearing a tee-shirt that reads, “I’m the gimp,” for the tigresses lying in wait. Same goes for other “relationship experts” peddling similarly dubious advice. Disregard and keep clicking.
Counseling, Consulting and Coaching with Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD
Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD helps individuals with relationship and codependency issues via telephone or Skype. For over a decade, she has specialized in helping men and women break free of abusive relationships, cope with the stress of ongoing abuse and heal from the trauma. She combines practical advice, emotional support and goal-oriented outcomes. If you’d like to work with Dr. Palmatier, please visit the Schedule a Session page or you can email her directly at shrink4men@gmail.com.
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