But what if I tried . . . ?
Can you talk to my borderline or narcissistic spouse and explain . . . ?
Will she or he someday realize that no one else will love them as much and treat them as well as me?
So if I learn boundaries will that make her or him treat me better?
Should I give copies of your articles to my narcissistic or borderline girlfriend or boyfriend?
If I could just find a way to get through to her or him . . .
How can she or he move on so fast to their next “soulmate?” Didn’t I mean anything to him or her?
Denial can be one of the most difficult stages of the grief process to overcome, particularly when grieving the loss or imminent lost of a narcissist, borderline, histrionic or psychopath. However, true healing cannot begin until these two stages have been navigated successfully.
There have been many times over the years when I’ve found myself having a Moonstruck moment with clients stuck in the denial and bargaining stages of grief. I sometimes have the impulse to shake them gently and yell, “Snap out of it!” I don’t, of course.
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Why is denial so much more difficult to overcome in cases of narcissistic, borderline and psychopathic abuse?
Projection of your good qualities. Narcissists, borderlines, histrionics, sociopaths and psychopaths are not normal. They are not like you, or most people for that matter. You can’t impute the same motivations and qualities, like honesty and integrity, to them. Period. End of story. They simply do not possess these attributes and you’re making a grave error when you convince yourself, despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary, that they do.
Words and concepts like love, truth and commitment mean something very different to narcissists, borderlines and psychopaths. Despite the surface intensity of their emotions, particularly during the love bombing or idealization stage and their later rage outs, there’s very little depth to their emotions. This is why they can tell you that their love for you transcends everything on Tuesday and shack up with the bisexual former child actress on Thursday. This is why they can be raging one minute and calmly talking to their coworker on the telephone moments later.
They say words like love and friendship, but they don’t mean anything, or rather they don’t mean what you think they mean. Usually, their declarations of love and other promises are manipulations. Tools to get them what they want at any given moment. They mirror your good qualities back to you and you believe them. Mirroring your good qualities in the beginning of the relationship further serves to strengthen your projection of positive qualities onto them. But none of this is real. It’s smoke and mirrors.
Gaslighting. Gaslighting is a form of lying, but an especially crazy-making one. The narcissist, borderline and psychopath will deny having said and done things you know you heard them say and do. The result is you doubt your perceptions, memory and intuition. Like a Jedi mind trick, the narcissist or psychopath will look you straight in the eye and tell you, “I’m a good person,” while exploiting you financially, taking you for granted, smearing you to friends and family and cheating on you. You want to believe them because the alternative is too painful in the denial stage.
Good people don’t lie to you. Good people don’t take pleasure in hurting or duping you. Good people don’t use others as objects with which to amuse themselves and then discard you when the novelty wears off or, horror of horrors, you see behind their mask and start asking questions and insist on being treated better.
They train you to do the work for them. Narcissists, borderlines and psychopaths are blame shifters extraordinaire. On the rare occasions they apologize, there’s usually a “but here’s why my behavior is really your fault” attached to it. After some time with one of these individuals, she or he will have trained you to make excuses for their behavior without much prompting, if any, from them. You’ll do it reflexively.
Do you find yourself quick to make excuses for your narcissist or borderline’s cruel and insensitive behavior like “her mom was really abusive, his older brothers bullied him, her ex cheated on her, she has a lot of work stress, he’s just insecure and has low self-esteem?” Do you find yourself equally quick to take the blame and reason that you could have done more of this or less of that, paid more attention to her, been less “needy” or “sensitive” or that your expectations must be too high? If so, your narcissist, borderline or psychopath has you doing the heavy lifting for them. So what else is new?
There are no mitigating reasons for lying, cheating and abusing the people you claim to love. Not a bad childhood, not job stress, not PMS, not BPD nor any other excuse they may contrive. You are not needy or too sensitive because their abuse causes you pain, nor are your expectations too high for wanting them to treat you with the same basic decency and respect that they demand from you. You are not bad or crazy for having an appropriate emotional response like feelings of hurt, anger and betrayal as a result of their abuse. Hurtful behavior hurts. If someone punches you in the face, reasonable responses include, “Ouch!” “Stop that!” and “Why the hell did you do that?” Not, “I’m sorry my nose got in the way of your fist. Please forgive me for getting blood on your knuckles.”
When you catch them in an infidelity, you’re supposed to be hurt and angry. You’re not the asshole because you discovered their betrayal. But this is how abusers twist perception and reality. It makes it easier for them when you do the work for them. Stop that.
Family of origin issues. If one or both of your parents are narcissistic, borderline, histrionic or psychopathic, it can make you much more vulnerable to these types of predatory relationships as an adult. It can also make it more difficult to break through the denial stage as you’ve been pre-conditioned to tolerate abuse and to experience it as “love.” The childlike wish is to finally feel loved and accepted by your narcissistic or borderline spouse or girlfriend/boyfriend because it will somehow override how you were treated as a child. The problem is that your narcissistic or psychopathic partner is no more capable of love than your abusive parents, and that has nothing to do with you.
It wasn’t your fault your parents abused you and you’re not to blame for your abusive spouse, girlfriend or boyfriend’s abusive behavior. That’s on them. This is often one of the most difficult concepts my clients have accepting, not understanding, but really and truly accepting. It is key to the healing process and to finally ending the pattern of unhealthy relationships. Otherwise you are likely to repeat the trauma over and over again in subsequent relationships (repetition compulsion).
Once you accept it you have no other choice but to see the narcissist, borderline, histrionic or psychopath for who they are — severely limited human beings who are not just incapable of love, but actively destroy it and then blame you for not being enough. Again, this has nothing to do with you and your lovableness or character. These types of personalities are empty and easily and chronically bored, which is why they create so much drama and chaos. When you understand and accept this, there is no going back and no more self-torture.
You want to believe the lies. Successful con artists know that the best cons appeal to a mark’s innermost or base desires. When describing the love bombing/idealization stage of the relationship with a narcissist, psychopath or borderline, many of my clients say, “I thought she or he was too good to be true. I thought I’d met the woman or man of my dreams.” Yes, exactly right. That’s what these predators want their targets to believe.
My clients wanted to believe that true love, intimacy and a depth of connection could happen magically and instantly. That, at long last, someone truly saw them, loved and appreciated them. That’s the emotional stake from which it is so very difficult for many targets of narcissistic abuse to divest. They want to believe the fantasy woman or man the narcissist, borderline or psychopath initially pretended to be is real.
Future faking is another variety of lie these predators tell. At the beginning of the relationship, they may say things like, “I could see myself with someone like you” or talk about marriage, having children, fabulous vacations you’ll take together, etc. It’s all rubbish, of course. It’s just something they dangle like a carrot on a stick tailor made for what they discern your dreams are from closely studying you. After the devaluation stage has begun, they will future fake periodically primarily as a way to bring you to heel or keep you in the game until they’re ready to discard.
In the early stages of my relationship with my ex-NPD, he would dangle “I want to marry you” out there and I thought, “Wow. He wants to marry me.” Of course, that was after a whole set of conditions occurred. After he sorted the situation with his ex-wife, after his latest lawsuit was resolved (he wasn’t an attorney — just had a knack for violating the rights of others and getting sued as well as doing business with other ne’er do wells that often necessitated retaining legal counsel) and after his ship came in someday.
As time passed, I realized the boat I was on had a slow leak and he was punching holes in the hull faster than I could patch and bail water. Then something interesting occurred. One day, he did the standard future fake of marriage after some blow-up he created out of boredom and I realized no way did I ever want to marry him. The expression on his face was priceless when I replied, “That’s okay. We don’t need to get married.” He tried it a couple more times and then stopped when he realized it no longer had the same effect.
Abuse shatters your self-esteem and self-respect. When you feel badly about yourself and don’t believe you deserve better, it makes the denial about the reality of your abuser even stronger. Believing there is a better life for you and that you indeed deserve better is necessary to working through the denial. Even if the better life initially means simply living free of abuse.
Going No Contact, or Low Contact for those of you with shared minor children, is essential. You need time and emotional distance to begin taking care of yourself and to dispel the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) created by the narcissist, borderline or psychopath. As you begin to see things more clearly, it becomes increasingly difficult to stay in denial.
What is the difference between bargaining and denial?
Bargaining is a slightly more nuanced form of denial. In the bargaining stage, you recognize there are problems, but delude yourself that they’re surmountable and resolvable. If you try harder, are more patient, more giving, more tolerant, less needy, less sensitive, more willing to overlook their craziness and abuse, find exactly the right way to explain yourself, etc., etc., things will get better and return to the early happier times (that weren’t real anyway). Oh, things might improve for a time if you make more concessions and sacrifices, flatter your narcissist and do what she or he wants without question or hesitation no matter how ill-advised or destructive their latest whim or harebrained scheme is, but it will revert back to misery and chaos. Just give it time.
Some targets loop around the narcissistic abuse cycle for their entire lives. Charlie Brown really wants to believe that Lucy won’t yank the football out from underneath him, but she will. Every single time. Some people have to learn the hard way and hit rock bottom first before they can admit the truth to themselves. Some people see the truth, but are too scared or too complacent to break free of their toxic relationship and alternate between resignation and convincing themselves it’s not that bad. Some people admit the hard truth to themselves and make different choices. It can be difficult, painful and scary at first, but there’s no other way to have love and peace in your life without doing so.
Counseling, Consulting and Coaching with Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD
Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD helps individuals work through their relationship and codependency issues via telephone or Skype. She specializes in helping men and women trying to break free of an abusive relationship, cope with the stress of an abusive relationship or heal from an abusive relationship. She combines practical advice, emotional support and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Schedule a Session page for professional inquiries.
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Thank you so much Dr. Tara for this one of the best posts. Really a good one.
Also thank you for sharing your personal life experiences with a npd.
I think denial is just an excuse to self to stay in touch with a bpd or npd or to stop them from leaving. People like codependents long for someone who will just fill in all the spaces in their hearts, a person who will love you forever, never leave you no matter what, a perfect partner with no human flaws, a story just like a romantic Hollywood movie that ends with the couple kissing and then hugging and then walking towards the beautiful sunset. Everybody wants a love story like that. (SLAAAAAAP!) SNAP OUT OF IT!
Life ain’t no Hollywood movie people.
As a bpd survivor myself I remember how badly I wanted a filthy parasite to be a part of my entire life. Loving a bpd, npd is like hugging a fully grown cactus everyday and expecting not to get hurt.
Gaslighting, lying, projecting etc. all are the different kinds of weapons these ugly witches use to just keep you under their wicked spell. And when you get rid of it they will find another poor victim. The cycle never ends for them. But we have the power to break the cycle of getting into an abusive relationship again. And that we do by learning from our mistakes. Bpds and npds and other psychopaths never learn from their mistakes because emotionally they don’t function like a normal human being. They don’t feel remorse. There’s an elderly gentleman on youtube who runs a channel named Narcissism Survivor and he gives his example where he went back to his npd ex after 25 years and what he found to his surprise was that she had become a thousand times more worse and had him almost end his life. These maniacs, these lunatics, these emotional vampires they never change. Get out, move on, never ever look back, they will never love you or understand you. Have faith in God, have faith in yourself.
Just listen to this wise lady and trust every word she says.
God Bless You Dr. Tara, Have Beauuuuutiful Days Always.
(And one last question do you really slap your clients that hard??? Just kidding.) 😀
Ya, I’m currently in a slow separation from my wife who is BPD/NPD. I have tried in vein to expose my most vulnerable side in hopes that somehow I’d get her to see that idc about the stuff she claims I want to divorce her to take, that I have never raised my voice at our children (yet she screamed at me about how I abused our 15 year old daughter 1 hour after she left my house and cried when I told her that her mom left at 2am while I was working a 120 hr overtime 2 week period before our family beach trip…), she told our mutual friends that I beat her and threw her out, and she has alternated between anger, stonewalling, and feigning innocence ever since. Her older sister is a low function NPD/BPD for sure. She yells at the waiter during our son’s bday to get attention. Because it wasn’t cooked enough. That was the first time my parents met her sister… I thought my wife was different because she was the quiet type of BPD and I think NPD as well. (When I tell her that I have emotional needs, she looks at me and says this… ‘I have needs too!’ I say ‘what are they?’ And she rattles off how I need to pick up that sock and do yard work and those are her… EMOTIONAL needs.
She is so so fused and twisted up inside, and I’ve dug into her for years with no results at all. The deeper I try to dig, the worse it gets. For instance, after she abandoned me and the kids had to goto her because she was scared. (Manipulation) She spent two days insulting me and I finally got the resolve to stand up to her from her leaving. She threatened to say there were drugs in my house (lies…), to take everything (I said go ahead! It’s just stuff to me. I need your authentic love! You can have it all and the house if it would make you happy!), called our friends and claimed I beat her at 2am and threw her out (they didn’t believe her and called me to find out what happened. These are the same friends that she raged at over them having drug problems. They’re almost adults at 18, and they were trying to get better-actually getting treatment-and she called him worthless instead of offering to help without enabling. They’re working full time now and rebuilding their lives after I talked with them. They told me they appreciated how I never once got involved with that fight with my wife. That I’m always family to them. Well, that was when I called them after she left the night before…), and she even manipulated her own daughter to keep her away from me. That deserves its own paragraph because it’s what gave me the resolve to demand a change by tomorrow or I’m going no contact. I told her that too. She just moped and pouted…
You can’t make these ppl love you. You can’t love them into it. You can’t teach them what love is, even by example. I sent a huge novel to her all day today. The gist was that I love her regardless of whether or not we divorce. I would be hurt and sad, but I would love her. I told her that I wanted to see if she could connect on a deeper level and feel like I feel about her or not. I poured out my soul to her and said that I would wait to give her time to think and then not tell her how to do anything. I’d just set my boundaries, and if she didn’t like them, then she could stay gone. I got nothing. She alternates mainly between rage first, then guilt trips (woes her…she left her kids and manipulated her daughter who has issues with letting ppl run all over her at 16 because her mom does. When my dad was younger, he was an alcoholic. And I know what it’s like to be excited to tell your parent something you think is amazing, and to be cut down like it doesn’t matter. I see her eyes go from lit up and happy, to sad, confused and ashamed of her stupidity [not really stupidity, just what the BPD wants her to feel…the sick fuck…the daughter is such a sweet and sensitive person, and I see all my best qualities in her. I tried to help, but she isn’t my blood. I can’t take her because she is 16 and she is so confused. I tell her that it’s ok, you can see us both and I don’t want her to hate her mom or me, and my ‘wife’ (wtf ever. She’s a monster) tells her that she should be scared of me… Right after she saw me so devastated that I could hardly tell her that her mom left…Alone after she came back from work…the wife told no one but me that she was leaving when I was working. She came knocked on my door after I shut it to give me a hug because I was hyperventalating and almost screaming in agony, and the wife feels no remorse. Not a bit. I had to be sure so I kept texting and I finally said fuck it. I sent every single emotion that I had (that was left) to this BPD psycho. That I’d jump in front of a bus for them if I had to do it, but all I wanted was an emotional connection. Not this stupid psychotic you do this and I’ll have fun sex with you!… And she acted like I was speaking French. She said I was being abusive because I told her that I was hurting and had been repressing it for years. It caused my anger issues and all kinds of depression because I am naturally one to stand up for the little guy. Just like the daughter does. (She even stands up to her mom when she calls ppl anorexic or fat or ugly, and her mom feigns either innocence or stupidity. Like she’s not 5 years older than me and I’m 33!!!) And I’ve had enough of it! I told her to face this shit or I can’t do anything. I wanted to help the kids, but she stole their phones, told them I was wanting to hurt them, (they know that’s not true but they’re scared of what she will do if they dare disobey…) and she sent hateful texts to me pretending to be the kids. Like I don’t know all their texting styles…. I called her out and she exploded and hung up. I waited a bit, and apparently Amber stood up to her about her calling in sick to marriage counseling that she said she wanted… So she called me and started screaming about how I was abusing her FIFTEEN (not even her age…wtf?) year old daughter and to stay away. I said fuck you you psycho bitch! I’ve never even raised my voice at them. You mean you, stop telling me that your kids feel your fucked up and twisted emotions! They don’t hate like that and I know it, although I worry about the son because he’s so in college but she won’t let him do anything himself, even after we talked about it for years and she admitted the problem. I just can’t help any of them. All I can do now is set an example of how to stand up to a bully. So I turned on all their phones so she’d think she was winning. She gave them back since her’s was on. And I sent a giant group message talking about all the shit I sent her about how all I ever wanted was to be a fucking family where EVERYBODY is happy and guilt free, not just her while she tears down our lives. And that if she didn’t meet my emotional needs of being honest about her emotions, shows that she is a fucking human and doesn’t think she’s some super robot goddess, and that she never emotionally abuses me or the kids again by criticisms about stupid shit like a sock being on the floor so she picks a 2 hour long fight and blames me and the kids. I said fuck it, I have nothing left to lose. (in my head not to the kids lol) I told her how to get in the house. And told her the only three things I have left that I love, my ragdoll cat gizmo, my tv and my ps4. I said if you want to get in and destroy my life all the way, then go take it. Idc. It’s stupid shit that I can replace. (Really I love my cat…I hope she didn’t take him… I do have a micro chip and he’s registered so idk how that goes in court lol.) I just want to know if there is even a tiny bit of humanity in the black vitroil that she thinks is her soul. You know what I heard after that and a lot more person and deeper emotions??? She tried to blame me for losing $100 for missing her support job on the Internet because she left my house and the shit that I bought. I was like, I’m worth less than $100 to you then?!?! Fuck you, you heartless bitch!! I told her from then on, I have had it. I told her to show me a little bit that she cares and can be vulnerable, but she can’t! She can’t even ask me to change the relationship status back to public on FB… She just said I noticed you changed it. I said ya, I put it to private. Does that hurt you? If you tell me that it does, then I’d gladly change it. Exactly like that. She immediately started moping and whining and I just said that this is ridiculous. You’re older than me and you can’t even be vulnerable about needing to have ppl see that we are married to the public… I was amazed. I told her my entire life’s dream with her and the kids, and how I wanted a guilt, shame and hate free life for all of us. That I would lead by example. Sent that in the group msg. And she can’t even open the first fucking page on emotional vulnerability and read one damn word. It’s too painful to say that she needs to have ppl see her as married and happy….
I gave up long ago. I’m just stubborn and I changed so much from drug addict teen to a good man who knows how to help kids in a fucked yo environment that I can’t hardly stand. I told her that I am so hurt that she stonewalls me, and that this was it. This is what she said she wanted! She whined about my ‘anger issues’, so I stopped repressing my disgust with her treatment of me and the kids. I told her that. Point blank. She guilt tripped and I said stop it, you grown ass woman, I can’t make you feel happy or bad or anything. I’ve been even better for months now because she promised to change and goto therapy. She would try to pick fights and then run near her kids. She’s so sick and I feel sick for denying it all these years and letting her be this way. I should have stood up years ago but I was a drug addict and I just needed anyone at that point because I ran away everyone else, even my parents back then. But I made a huge mistake, and the only consolation is that the daughter picked up my greatest traits. I can tell that when she gets to her 30s, she will be a great and caring person. She just has to work out her confidence issues from her psychotic mother. I gtg back to work. This is the 10th 12 hr day in a row because u was working extra to pay for our beach trip together. ???????????? I was so happy to think that stupid bitch was actually changing, but after the appointment came and she told me she wanted to reschedule, she just turned up the crazy. I told her to just stop this crap. She’s hurting her own children and she doesn’t fucking care. I hate that bitch for what she’s done. And I still told her that I was going to wait a day to see if there’s a human inside there, but I won’t get anything that I ever need from her. I literally have to pry every emotion of hers out with a 4 hour arguement over dumb shit and call her out for hours a day until she cried and admits she has a problem. I’m sick of this shit and I’m sick of feeling abandoned by that psychotic child abuser.
If any of you are at the bargaining stage, just fucking go no contact. I had to see if it was really this bad or if I was just imagining, but I shouldn’t have ever even tried. I had to turn off all three phones because she hate texted me for 3 days, (off then back on because she would stop, then back off again….) and would text me mean shit and hand the phone to her kids in hopes that I yell at her and they’d see it. All they saw was my saying how sad I was. So no, I don’t believe they’re scared of ME one bit, but they’re terrified of her. And there confused how they’re mother can’t love them unconditionally like they love her… I couldn’t take it anymore. I just told her that I probably wouldn’t get what I needed and I am probably just starting the divorce tomorrow. I don’t see her magically becoming a decent human in a day. If she had sent me texts and expressed how much AUTHENTIC PAIN she was in, I’d have felt miserable for doing that to her! She ignores my pain and immediately gripes about whatever her complaint of the second is… It can be from her bad disc so a sock the dog stole being on the floor… I hope she did steal everything I love. I’m too fucking nice, and that would make me hate her even more. Not that there is much more room for me to hate her anymore. I just see a devil when I look in her eyes now. Especially after I found out about the lies and manipulation of her daughter and our friends. These ppl are sick. They don’t care about anything, EVEN THEMSELVES. She would start to hit herself a little while back because I asked her to respect my boundaries. She’d tell how stupid she was and how she deserves to be hit… It’s so sad, but I can’t fix it. And now she’s hurting me and everyone else around her. Now I feel worse for the kids and me and I feel no remorse for giving her what she did deserve, to be alone.
If you think a girl you date or are intimate might even possibly be a BPD/NPD/WTFEVER, then get out…fucking NOW! I lived through 10 years of hell. (8 actually because of love bombing my pathetic ass) I am hurt, but deep down I know that this is best for me. The kids need to see this too. Because the longer I stay, the more they think this is normal love, and that’s so sad to me to think that I’ve been teaching them that….
My ex psycho-wife trained the denial in me. The denial was a function of the gas lighting and constant lying.
Once I lost my sense of direction, it was easy to manipulate me.
It was jealousy that motivated her. Anything good about another person bothered her. I wasn’t allowed to be smart, confident, or funny. If I was any of those things, then she mocked me in covert ways for being so .
I wasn’t the only target. My kids were much different when they were younger. Now I know why.
If I called her on it, she either didn’t mean it or didn’t remember saying it.
So I am no longer in denial. I don’t know how much it helps. It doesn’t make it go away. Just makes me feel like a bigger idiot. Maybe that’s what she wanted.
Need (another) reason to GTFO and Stay Out ??
Read about Christy Sheats, Katy TX…….
Good point.
For all of us that fell like idiots [I am one of them]…..
Always remember that it could have been much worse.
This all applies to my 27-year relationship with my ex-wife, except for the cheating part. Even after we split up 5 years ago, she has never been functional enough to form a relationship with a partner, either male or female (she is gay or straight depending on her mood). She has deteriorated to the point that she can no longer lure someone in. I think the “unstable love relationships” trait of these personality disorders mainly applies to young women. It doesn’t work so well in your 60’s.
Hi Dr Tara,
Firstly I would like to thank you for this great article ant the work you are doing. I’m currently in a situation with my girlfriend of 4 years where I suspect that she has BDP. Our most recent arrangement was about something silly like dishes, small fights usually tend to escalate to big ones and she always has the same modus operandi, she calls me nasty names and says that she does not see a future for us then threatens to move out followed by the cold shoulder for a couple of days, usually until I apologize.
I get the feeling that she wants to stay mad at me as long as possible to keep on hurting me. When we everything is fine between us its absolute bliss, and she constantly tells me how much she loves me, then again in really nasty fight she tells me that she hates me and that she wants nothing to do with me…we recently moved in together and we have been living together for about 3 months. It feels like things are a lot better since we moved in but she keeps on threatening to move out when we fight..I don’t know what to do or how to handle her anymore, she ignores me so badly that when I speak to her she just stays on her mobile, I feel completely disrespected when she does this, I’m 26 ad she is 24…
When she is like this she tends to push everyone away, even her family…
I really love her with all my heart but I don’t thinks this is healthy behavior, Do you have any advise as to how I should approach the situation without walking out on her?
1. Find a time that she will to be gone from the residence for the length of time that it takes to move your stuff.
2. Move your stuff.
3. Don’t give her any warning.
4. After moving cut off contact.
Thanks for another fantastic article. I am one year out of being officially divorced from my narc ex-wife. It has been about 2 years since she asked for a divorce. I am happy to not be in an abusive relationship, but I still struggle with why I tolerated such horrible treatment for so long. I get these flash backs of the rages and manipulations, even in the beginning stages of our relationship when I could have walked away, but I instead thought it was true love.
I know that she preyed on me because I was a happy-go-lucky, empathetic human being, and I took the bait: her recent breakup with her domineering boyfriend (a lie), her horrible home life (they are all narcs), and her love bombing.
So much pain could have been prevented, and I have 3 kids with her who have to take part in the dysfunction. They are constantly being manipulated by her. Even though she is living with the man she left me for who was married to her close friend, they still question that she had an affair. She says she only fell in love with this guy when she moved out of our house (they had asked for divorces on the same day).
I am moving on with my life, but I will forever be someone who feels like the word “SUCKER” should be tattooed on his forehead.
Scott, you are not alone. I have it on my forehead as well. I think I will tattoo it on my hands as well so that I am permanently reminded to try not to be one anymore.
Scott, you are not alone. I have had sucker on my forehead for 10 years. Now, I want to put it on my hands so it reminds me not to be one again in the future.
Wow ! Dr. Tara……..absolutely spot on article for me ! You know your sh*t !!!!
Also to the commenters above an equally meant wow !!
@ sh4und34d ~~ Mate..listen to the captain……GET OUT OF THERE ASAP ! Met my eternal tormentor when I was 30 & clubbing.Had f/t job since 15,put 20K down on a home 12 months earlier,had good bunch of mates,played amateur football ….met her clubbing not long into being single again after finding out my then girl was banging a workmate of hers. She basically insisted I take her home as she assured me she had porno like plans for me….which she did for next 6 months or so.She couldn’t thank me enough for letting her stay at mine so much as when met her she was back living with her folks ( whom surprise surprise just didn’t ” get her ” like I did ). I could hardly walk my nads were that raw…..in the good way & I’d come home to find house spotless,dinner prepared & her usually naked & watching porn & warming up for my return .About 4 months in I was overwhelmed with my own mind as even with the supposed “dream chick” I felt guilty & in hindsight beginning to feel freaked out about her putting me up on a pedestal . She was in sync with all my beliefs & takes on life & constantly assured me it was nothing ” to look after me ” as ” I was the most deserving kindest soul” & it was ” my turn to be appreciated for being who I was “. All great sh*t to hear but I didn’t feel right , like she was hiding away from life staying in my place all day/night. I felt guilt’s about her not seeing her folks as I knew she was close to them & as she was newly unemployed when we met ( doh ! another clue missed ) I didn’t want her spending all her time devoted to me & was encouraging of her getting back into work.She learned to read these emotions easily I guess & whenever I would be starting to feel a bit uneasy she would stay a night at her folks…..which she would spend sending me filthy vids & text messages & promises of next hook ups.Next days would be texts whilst I worked complaining how bored she was/folks didn’t want her there & thought she’d go to mine & take my dog out to beach for run(knew I had guilt’s about not doing that enough)” but don’t worry I’ll have her back & be gone by time your home as I know you want a bit of space” blah,blah,blah.
Pfftt ! The times I arrived home as she was just reversing out driveway/dozed off sun baking/car troubles/lost keys in yard playing with dog……….heard them all. Usually as she was guilting me out about how horny she was. Ha ! she told me more than once ” It’s your own fault I can’t get enough of you,you just f*ck me like I didn’t know could be that good…..”
As a fit,healthy dude…..who the hell doesn’t want to hear that from an apparent awakened 55kg nymph !!
Over time I put it down to “over partying” the times my wallet was lighter next day than night before. I was so adamant I wanted her to have her own identity & not just be my chick I took over 4 years to describe us as a couple insisting we were just “f*ck buds” or ” we just get each other” or ” we’re just having fun together ” depending on who I was talking with. All descriptions she readily agreed to .
5 years in I found out her interest in internet weren’t about job searching & self training etc. but hugely for going online as a 18 year old alias & frequenting teen chat rooms ” making friends coz I don’t have any in real life “. Next stop along “insanity highway” came discovery there was as many as 16 of these “friends” that she’d spend most part of her days in my home on my computer indulging in the most hardcore cybersex sessions whilst I was at work earning the money to allow her the opportunity to start with.
The most hurtful part was the fact she ( deliberate or not I still don’t know ) saved the chat logs of most of them but wasn’t real PC savvy to erase them after she’d printed them ( later found a stash of these also ) & (ashamedly) more than once found myself on pc opening up a wrong file & sitting transfixed reading a 20 min or so session she’d had with some ” chatfriend”. Even more soul destroying were the ones where she’d start off telling the dude ” no, we wont be doing that again as it felt like cheating” blah,blah & dude starts off abiding to just chatting where soon enuf she’s bitching about ” my b/f treats me like a maid,I’ve got no life,he don’t buy me stuff etc. etc. ” No sooner said than “chatfriend” assures her she deserves so much better,she rocks,what an idiot I am,how he would worship her every move…….& how he can’t believe how smoking sexy she is ”
Pretty soon he’s bagging hell out of me telling her she deserves so much better,he just wants her to feel needed……pretty soon it’s full on w*nkfest.
She recorded a “birthday show” for 1 dude I found. When confronted she firstly flat out denied ANY wrong doing, even when I was close to breakdown begging her to just own up as for whatever reason it was doing my head in more that she lied & kept lying than the fact of what she done. I kicked her out…..she refused going as far as sleeping in her car in the driveway for 2 nights. She’d wear me down with texts,letters,voicemail’s,emails all begging another chance,promising to get help from a counselor,offering to smash her pc, IF THAT’S WHAT IT WOULD TAKE. She slowly had me feeling guilty for wrecking her life,turning her into a recluse with anxiety,depression & (what crept up) OCD/hoarding issues.
Over time a coffee,became another & then dinner,then she was back in before I knew it . Version 2.0 showed me enough little staged glimpses of change,that would later be slowly implanted as being “exactly what she needed to change her self/life for the better & before I knew it I was back on the damn pedestal again even higher & more uncomfortable.
@ Scott ~~ This is where my neon flashing sucker tattoo on my forehead renders your near invisible.-:
I caught her out cyber sexing again !!!! Even more desperate & slagging of me than previous. Some never needed any prompting ! I read about how stupid & gullible I was,what a softc*ck who’d believe anything told to him,what a useless lay I was as reason she had to find satisfaction online. I read logs that were hurriedly cut short as ” the losers just pulled in the driveway ” as well as her promising to look a dude up “later tonight when the wank*r is asleep” & other self worth destroyers.
Ended it only to be informed she was pregnant ( 1000% is my child no doubt ) so let myself be convinced our unborn deserved a chance to live with both us in same home so seemed believable the new found reason for living she now showed(she’d been told she’d never get pregnant by DR ) & believed she’d grow up & have purpose in her life & be good mum.
After placid 8.5 months of wishful thinking all hell was unleashed for next 4 years when I was reduced to a shell of myself & believed I was that stupid that I was the only knob who “washed dishes in the wrong order”.
Turfed her sorry ass out not long after our beautiful daughter turned 5. I’d lost my job of 27 years due to the stress & sh*tful existence I was forced to live at home mostly alone. Her mum had cancer & ex wanted her mum to have daily contact with our child which I was naturally agreeable to but simply wanted her to spend 9am-3pm at their place 25kms away instead of 3pm-8.30/9pm which meant my return from work at 4pm was to an empty house with no kid to bond/play with.
ANY attempt to reason was an instant reversal whereby I’d usually be apologizing for even thinking it , agreeing what an insensitive prick I was for trying to deny her dying mum time with her granddaughter.
Losing my job was hard as it was my whole identity but by nature thought a positive would be more time with my kid ( which I’d heard for 4 years was a big reason I was a “sh*t dad”). I idolize my little girl & it was for her that I never “gave up” on it all.My hopes of more time with her were scuttled by ex simply deciding to stay night at her folks.This turned eventually into a couple,then 3.
I had my awakening as I sat amongst her hoarded crap that had the most of house resembling them hardcore hoarding ones on TV.It’s not a huge place but was now more like a paddock of piles of junk with goat tracks coursing amongst it.
My redundancy pay was gone I had no milk & no cigs. & I sat amongst her sh*t in the lounge with the darkest of thoughts in my head,no mates left as they’d got sick of trying to keep me involved with them long ago,given up football,My folks who I wasn’t real close to begin with were distant even more due to the way they were made to feel like intruders if they had visited to see their granddaughter. It was a Wednesday & she’d taken bubs to her mums Monday assuring me it was only for couple hours & she’d now not even had the courtesy to text or phone to say they were staying night.I was sick of crying my guts out & went to turn TV on & seen a DVD I hadn’t noticed before that my mum had put together so played it.Probably lasted 45mins. I replayed it probably 18 times on loop & cried & laughed & slowly found my worth again as mums compilation was one she’d focused on me as a daddy & was full of my daughter “adoring me as her daddy & me reveling in doing so” . It had all her birthdays,Xmas’s , a few Easter’s,& a few of mine,her mum’s & the grands of both sides……but mum had decided to mainly show mine & bubs interactions.I later found out Mum had dropped it off to ex months before.Also mum revealed she could see my slow losing worth in relationship but didn’t want to risk me banishing them away for speaking up ( i probably would have at that point) so she decided to give me a reminder of what an awesome daddy I am & how much daughter knows it.
I’d timidly tried a few times to end it with ex whilst we were parents but was always back-peddling as I felt big on being ” a family together” & being honest it was easier in a selfish way to shut up & go along with it.
Seeing me & daughter I let myself imagine I was a single dad raising my girl as mum had all but edited out the witch from the entire DVD & a leg or back of her leaving shot was all seen of her & turning volume down in known spots after a few viewings was easy to drown the b*tches voice out as well.
By the time the hag returned next morning -after dropping child off straight to kindy of course- I was determined our child deserved & was going to get to have a daddy & true father figure in her life & she deserved to have that & not the sorry ass,p*ssy whipped,hen pecked, bumbling incompetent mother’s side kick that I had become. No more would she have to watch her Daddy getting ripped a new one for being so useless he “pegs washing out all wrong,can’t fold towels properly or any other bits of utter crap that I’d been accepting & agreeing with previously.
She came in with 2 shopping bags full of more sh*t scrounged from an arts/craft shop,op-shop or side of road as a no doubt “next project” that would never happen unless said project was to add to an already sh*thole of an embarrassing hovel to live in.
She looked towards me,grunted & put bags down,had a piss & came back in with another different bag she began to fill from one of the numerous piles of ever remaining clothes that were a feature of lounge room. I said “Oh hello then ” in an obvious sarcastic tone to which I got an instant & angry ” I f*cking said hello as I walked in.Don’t start I’ve got a headache ! ” I knew the Hello part was crap.I watched her finish packing a few more items, she then asked uninterested ” what are you doing today? ” I said ” not sure at moment but I’ve got 20cents to my name so not much & haven’t had since Tuesday.” I don’t know if she bothered listening to my response but either way she lit a cig. up but never offered me one.Without even looking my way she offered ” Oh, gotta go”. I said ” that was quick, where you rushing to?” She was out door as she said ” Mums “.
She nearly made it to her car as I threw the first box load of her gear in her direction as I shouted ” Oh if your going there you may as well take some of this sh*t with you as that’s where you’ll be living from now on.”
I’d begun my rebirth !!! It felt long over due but man it felt fu*king awesome !!!
Anyone still reading ……..G’day I’m Bob from Australia.Joined up today.I like the place & may hang around so thought a revelation was in order.
If I put any members to sleep…I didn’t mean to but felt I needed some therapy that comes from writing about the “horrors of the past”. Was a little over 3 years ago & due to this countries media fed brainwashing regarding this type of thing & with it a stacked ” system ” things never worked out exactly as I’d envisioned…….but that’s another post some other time.
Cheers & pleasure to be here.
Bob
Hi Bob,
I found this blog yesterday while idley looking for what people have to say about being ‘princessy’. My ex husband with significant narc traits began calling me that when I was pregnant. Funny thing, everyone that knows me or who has ever known me would say that that is the last thing I am. It began when I showed genuine surprise at the degree to which my ankles had swollen after flying home from New York to Scotland (work, not a visit to Bloomingdales to buy a tiara). I didn’t ask him to do anything, it was merely an observation. Still, anything goes when it comes to making me feel that I’m too needy and demanding eh.
Anyway, I’ve created an account specifically so that I could say how much I enjoyed your post (sorry if you feel yourself ascending the pedestal, that’s not the intention). So well written, and I’ve read a ton elsewhere. Still, horrified at your treatment. You say that was over 3 years ago. How are things now?
Oh, meant to say (read the post last night and it’s now the morning) she’s sounds like borderline with a bit of hystrionic thrown in. Mind you, all the cluster B categories seem to overlap with one another to some extent.
So, this may be long but I really would appreciate thoughts and advice. I was dating a girl it’s been 5 months. The first three months were bliss. Everything was on the same with us, we both had the
Same goals, ideals and it happened quick but felt right. ‘Months passed and she had a breakdown when she found out her sister was pregnant. She freaked out about the talk of it, thought it, had massive panic attacks, anger and rages. That happened twice and faded. Though alarming I supported her and was patient. Then shortly after she began having massive issues with my dog that did nothing to cause anything. I would admit it if so. Prior, she was fine with him, played with him, laid down with him and was normal. It was like a light switch was flicked. She had issues with him on the bed, jumping, barking,his energy level, and she began attacking me on these issues. I tried to solve them by using techniques with the dog and showing her ways to guide him to stop certain things… though it did not work and she began lashing out more at me. She apparently had issues before with a bf and his dog so I’m not the first. She told me she’s jealous and threatened by the animal and doesn’t know why.. during this time she would have episodes of rage, anger, tantrums, threatening and attempting suicide, and the more I tried to understand and fix things be worse it got. I was being blamed for not thinking of her feelings being made out to be the bad guy.. she said when she is in these moods she sees red and Sometbing tells her to do bad things and she has bad thoughts. She apologizes and then says things to which she doesn’t recall or remember that I did for her. I always put her first all the time, her needs she was on top of my list, she knows this is her issue though stuff kept happening with her episodes. So much that she gave me an ultimatum I move dog from sleeping on bed or she’s gone. I gave in and said ok, she said that would solve every issue she had. Well later on more issues of the same came up as explained earlier, and she did not recall I said I would move the dog. Just this week she said she wants to move on and she is tired of arguing and wants to pick up the pieces and move on. I said ok, I need you to be patient because I’m hurt lost and struggling with all of this bc she doesn’t didn’t know if she can be with me and my dog bc of her issues with him. She has not been over my house or seen my dog in 2 months we haven’t really been together a lot lately and I asked her to come over, that would be a start to pick up and move on… she said
No. she isn’t comfortable around the dogs and doesn’t like that I’m damaged from all this. She wants me to see her outside of my house when she doesn’t fully know if she can be with me and me having a dog and doesn’t know if she can handle that and has a lot of unanswered questions about her and what she can deal with. She couldn’t understand how unfair that is for me to go into it for however long it takes her to come over with the possibility of saying see ya and I’m left with more heart ache. Ive bent over backward for her and have been here through this and have not left, even after all the hurtful things she says and has said about me, and how she can’t stand my dog. She says one thing one min and another on the total opposite side of the spectrum the next. I’m struggling with this after everything that she can’t understand or take my feelings into consideration and see. She is or has done therapy just started but doesn’t know if she can continue now due to work and school and money, I’m just lost. Now after I’ve said I can’t put myself thru possible hurt with no hope she hasn’t spoken to me at all. It’s very hard something I’ve not dealt with before and I’m lost. Thank you for reading.
Hi Mike,
Not much time to reply but….let her go. They have an extraordinary abilty to put blinkers on romantic partners to the extent that they are all you can see, despite their techniques being blatant and even extraordinarily ham fisted sometimes. Selective memory loss is a classic. What she doesn’t remember seems unbelievable doesn’t it (because it’s bullshit) but there’s no way to demonstrate that it’s bullshit so what can you do. Now, I can understand not wanting to share a bed with a dog, but the extreme jealousy regarding the dog that you descibe seems pathalogical. Nothing you do will satisfy her. You’ve already seen that.
Feeling lost, stuck and in terrible pain is standard when dealing with these types. You want the pain to go away but believe it when I say that the longer you invest in her, the more difficult her leaving will become. And she will leave. And the longer you spend with someone who treats you like garbage, the more you will accept that that’s what you are, and the lower your normal, healthy expectations of others will fall. You may not be conscious of that descent, and you’ll be angry about it, naturally, but your behaviour will reflect it nonethless – it will. And…..you’ll be even more likely to find yourself in a similar situation in the future. People like her can see the potential for debasement a mile off it seems and you’ll have been well trained to accept it.
So, let her go. And if she tries to come back, think about how much you care about your dog at least, even if you care less about yourself which is where you are right now. Your dog is a far healthier companion than she will ever be. Then, go and have a good think about why you accepted her behaviour, bound to be childhood stuff, always is, corny but almost invariably true. You matter and what you need from someone matters. That you need reciprocity and some genuine care is a no brainer. Of course you do. That’s absolutely healthy. Go and look up some stuff on developmental trauma and complex PTSD. If you have some idea about why you are wired the way you are then at least you’re in a position to do a bit of rewiring.
This is happening to me right now, what can I do about this because I bought in to the fantasy that we were going to live happily ever after.But it still has not materialized. The family she told me abused her, from the looks of it wasn`t true. Now the same way she told me she being sexually abused and emotionally abused at home with her family members, she has flipped the script and now I am the abuser towards her not a good father to our children, not a good provider when all my finances goes to our children and our household. I do all cooking and cleaning and rearing of our kids, she just shows up when things are going good, plus I think she`s cheating also.