It should be obvious that entrusting your heart (and wallet) to a woman (or man) who gets paid to have sex and paid to fake love, affection, sexual attraction or orgasms is both unwise and a highly risky gamble, that is if you want a monogamous, stable relationship based on love and not a series of transactions.
Given the number of men who become involved with sex workers, strippers (“exotic dancers”), prostitutes, “sugarbabies,” porn actors, former child actors, “swingers” and straight up gold diggers expecting a Pretty Woman outcome, it’s apparently not as obvious as it could be. In the last few months, I’ve worked with a number of men — young men and older men who are old enough to know better — who have had their hearts broken and lives trashed by women like this, so it’s a good time to tackle the topic on this week’s Going Mental.
We will discuss:
1. There is no such thing as a psychologically healthy sex worker. There just isn’t. Many of these relationships begin as rescue missions. “Oh, she’s had such a rough life. I’m going to love her and treat her well and we’ll live happily after.” No, no you won’t. Ask the other nice men and women who came before you.
You will more than likely have your heart run through a paper shredder. Trading sex and faking love and attraction for money is about as predatory and transactional as it gets. You are not a special unicorn. You are not that one man she “really loves,” so it’s best you face facts. If you’re paying, she’s playing.
2. The allure of the bisexual sex worker — and many of them are bisexual — is perhaps thrilling (i.e., a novel sexual/relationship experience) and ego bolstering (i.e., what a man you must be if you can get her to go straight), it will most likely end up breaking your heart. Bisexual strippers, call girls, actors, etc., are buy-sexual. In other words, if you’re “buying,” they’ll be yours for a time until the money, security, vicarious status by association or whatever they’re using you for dries up and/or you become tired of paying for her “love” and attention.
Their motto seems to be, “Any orifice (or wallet) in a storm.” If you’re willing to pay their bills and offer them some measure of security, attention, etc., they’ll perform for a time, but don’t bet against the house or someone’s true nature. They are sexual mercenaries. Of course, there are bisexual individuals to whom this doesn’t apply, but they’re probably not sex workers and/or members of some other profession in which a person play acts for money.
3. One mere mortal man or woman can not possibly provide the amount of attention, validation, money, security, etc., that this type of damaged individual requires. Let’s face it, if taking off your clothes and having sex for money seems like a viable career option, odds are the individual has either sustained some pretty serious abuse in childhood and/or has a scarcity mindset and is looking for a shortcut to money. Lying for money, feigning interest and love for money shows a lack of integrity and ethics. Needing the attention of crowds of people to feel good about oneself probably means this individual isn’t going to be content with the love and attention of just one person.
It calls to mind the lyrics from “Roxie” (Chicago):
And the audience loves me. And I love them. And they love me for loving them, And I love them for loving me. And we love each other. That’s because none of us got enough love in our childhoods.
And that’s showbiz…
Kid!”
There may very well be sex workers who truly have hearts of gold who are capable of loving, monogamous, non-abusive relationships, but they are most likely the exception, not the rule. If stable, kind, emotionally mature and honest is what you’re seeking, look elsewhere because it’s probably not on a pole.
4. Eventually, you will have to pay her to keep her clothes on. For those of you who have been involved with a stripper, hooker, phone sex operator, porn actress, etc., you know what I’m talking about. First, she will give up her “career” for you. Then, inevitably, when you just don’t have any more money to give her (or you realize you’re being duped and used), or she has become so unstable and abusive that you ask her to move out, she will threaten to begin stripping or hooking again or contacting a former lover. And then you do it. You pay a stripper to keep her clothes on or a hooker to not hook.
5. You may end up ruining your future chances at having a loving relationship with a stable and emotionally healthy woman. There’s an old saying, “Crazy in the head, crazy in bed.” Professional sex workers may be over-the-top in bed — exaggerated moaning and groaning (fake orgasm alert), willingness to do sexual acts or invite third (or fourth or fifth) parties that most “non-professionals” wouldn’t do. This may have the effect of diminishing your ability to enjoy sex with partners that are healthier and require trust and real intimacy before they release their inhibitions.
Genuine love and intimacy take time to build and grow. It doesn’t happen overnight or in 36 hours. A healthy woman who respects herself, who has boundaries and is looking for an honest to goodness relationship is unlikely to jump right into bed with you and let out her inner freak. That takes time. Going back to a healthy woman will be like expecting a cup of coffee to have the same rush as a gram of cocaine.
Additionally, self-respecting women are probably not going to be interested in dating a man who has sex with strippers, hookers and the like.This is not necessarily due to religious beliefs or some sense of Puritanical morality. One, it will cause them to question your well-being, self-esteem and your ability to have a healthy relationship. Two, there are health risks, e.g., STDs, and other safety risks, e.g., a psycho ex who is stalking you and any new love interest you may have.
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Counseling with Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD
Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD helps individuals work through their relationship and codependency issues via telephone or Skype. She specializes in helping men and women trying to break free of an abusive relationship, cope with the stress of an abusive relationship or heal from an abusive relationship. Coaching individuals through high-conflict divorce and custody cases is also an area of expertise. She combines practical advice, emotional support and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Schedule a Session page for more information.
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Ahhh the stories that come to mind.
Two strippers, a now disbarred attorney, a parolee and a .40 cal pistol.
Two out call girls in a driverless car.
Next Door Nikki.
Thai hookers.
A crazy stripper named Desiree.
The list is endless. Everyone of these stories resulted in someone getting incarcerated. Don’t date strippers, hookers, call girls, etc. It will cost you. Listen to the good doctor.
Do share, bluegeek.
The setting for this tale is a stable, though rough, apartment complex in a suburb NW of Chicago. Our intrepid attorney decided he would avail himself of the wares of the resident strippers from a nearby apartment. After a price was negotiated ($500) and an undetermined amount of booze and coke was consumed the real party started. Mr. Intrepid decided he would video tape his feats of derring-do with aforementioned strippers to relive his exploits or perhaps make more money as a porn mogul on the internet.
BAM! BAM! BAM! (enter the parolee AKA Mr. Con)
Mr. Con discovers his stripper girlfriend (SGF #1), naked, in bed with her stripper girlfriend (SGF#2). Mr. Intrepid enters the bedroom and makes the mistake of grabbing Mr. Con; Mr. Intrepid is clad in a very badly fitting banana hammock speedo. Mr. Con grabs SGF#1 by the hair and is going to caveman drag her cheating ass out of the apartment. As she is yanked from the bed she displaces a pillow revealing a .40 cal SIG pistol.
Mr. Con drops SGF#1, jacks Mr. Intrepid in the face about half a dozen times and grabs the pistol. Mr. Con realizes that he is well and truly fucked. He has committed a home invasion, assaulted SGF#1 and Mr. Intrepid, grabbed a handgun (as a felon) and is brandishing it at SGF#1, SGF#2 and Mr. Intrepid. So Mr. Con makes the only sensible decision left and leaves. He ditches the pistol in the nearby treeline and boogies. Mr. Con is eventually located, tells us where the gun is and is the only one that was truthful in this whole incident. He was angry with his stripper GF, kicked in an apartment door and beat a guy up He was also the only one arrested.
The only part of this I exaggerated is the part about the banana hammock speedo. Mr Intrepid is an ugly dude though.
SGF#1 changed boyfriends. Fast forward a year or so. Same apartment complex, minus Mr. Intrepid and Mr. Con. Routine calls to chase SGF#1’s stalkers and admirers off the property, eject potential suitors or arrest them. She was stripping at a club near a large US Navy installation. Drunken sailors are there own unique problem when mixed with strippers.
Stories are endless. You can google Next-Door-Nikki…don’t do that at home or around your spouse, girlfriend, etc.
Porn, out call, movies and other related activities. End result was a shooting (still unsolved, though no one died) and a whole lot of insanity and pain.
DO. NOT. DATE. Strippers, Prostitutes, Sugarbabies, Porn Actors, Other Gold Diggers. They bring chaos and mayhem wherever they go.
Do cabaret singers count?
Ever see “The Blue Angel” (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Blue_Angel)? I don’t remember seeing the original but I remember seeing the 1959 remake. You could have used the movie poster as a graphic.
It’s a sad movie.
This article made me laugh. Why? Because it’s pretty much spot on. How do I know? I’m a stripper…a completely celibate one. I ended up as a stripper because it seemed a viable short term way to make a large amount of money to finance a child custody battle with a diagnosed NPD ex. I don’t date because I’m not in a place yet to spot emotionally healthy men, and I’m not emotionally healthy enough myself to be in a relationship. Strippers are at work doing one thing, making money. They aren’t there to be your BFF or your girlfriend, and you’re paying for an illusion. Most of the girls I work with are the “messiest” people I’ve ever met, and some of them are dangerous to even be around. Some of them are good-hearted girls, but that’s certainly the exception.
Once again, a great session with some surprising reasons why guys will choose women in certain less-than-savory professions over mentally healthier women in professions that are a benefit to society. It would seem like common sense to us, but we know that good sense is not necessarily common!
One other “pitfall” that I would like to add to this discussion, and that is the situation of the “gold digger” who is not a professional “ho” who makes money from the sex industry per se, but nonetheless she seeks rich men and ends up sucking up his hard-earned paycheck like a horrible Hoover! She is usually not quite as obvious and can appear quite “normal” to a man. She flatters his ego with high praise (love bombing), wears fashionable clothes, perhaps a bit too much jewelry and maybe a tad too much makeup. She seeks to isolate him from his friends and sometimes his family and wants him to become involved with people she approves of, people who have moral values (or lack thereof) similar to hers. She strives to keep herself attractive and looks for the man who can provide the best standard of living for her. It’s all about what the man can give HER and often she does not work or has a no-future job and what she earns, she keeps. Credit cards are her crack cocaine and she cavalierly racks up thousands of dollars in debt in her quest for more shoes, jewelry, designer clothes, makeup, posh parties, spa memberships, new cars, etc. Her hapless husband (because she can lure a man into matrimony quite effortlessly with her honey-sweet flattery and hot sex) is left paying the bills, financially and emotionally.
If he can no longer support her increasingly lavish lifestyle, why she just finds another pawn to checkmate! She is a real danger because she does not come from within the sex industry but she works her spell by pretending to care about the fellow instead of lusting after his wallet.
I dated a stripper for 4 months, dated a prostitute for 1 month and have been in a serious relationship with another prostitute, now retired, for 3-4 years (and counting). I met all on the job, as in I paid them on the first encounter, except the stripper who I just bought a drink for.
The stripper I am sure was trying to get pregnant by me, I was 20 years old with a Porsche 911, a nice apartment and a truly reckless streak. After a couple of drinks I would have had unprotected sex with almost anyone. The riskier the better, the drunk me loved the risk, the adrenaline. The sober me did not, but unfortunately the sober me comes many hours after the drunk me has had his fun. She was no exception and she even told me she did not take any contraception, she did say that she’d get an abortion though if she ever got pregnant … yeah, I’m sure. That relationship ended in an STD for me, though fortunately no child or longer term ties. Hopefully I’d take the herpes as a lesson and move on with my life in a more healthy & productive way. I did not.
The long term relationship with a prostitute started as a way to show off to my group of ‘alpha-male’ friends when we were all 21-22. This has turned into a long term abusive relationship. Where we met, at an illegal brothel with me paying her for sex at 4am on a weeknight and then 2 days later taking her out for drinks, does perhaps give an insight into the fact that neither of us was in a ‘great place’ mentally or emotionally at that period of time. We have progressed incredibly together since then, against all the odds. At the surface we are a happy & successful family, with me, her & her child who I love and care for as my own. However even with the true connection between us and the genuine love I feel for her & I know beyond doubt that she feels for me, the relationship is undoubtedly filled with toxic issues. I have been making both almost no money & also big money during the time we have been together, that has never been a factor to her, she is genuine. But so are the underlying issues that drove her to sell sex for money and that drove me to pay for it whilst extremely drunk 4 hours before I had to go back to the office to work.
The second time was out of depression during a separation from the long term relationship, and it left me feeling ashamed and sick to death of the woman. If I can be so crass as to repeat one of her lines “Your penis is nice and it’s big, but not as big as my exes” was just the beginning of how detached she was from being a regular woman. I visited her for a 1 hour appointment and ended up staying the night (I only paid for the 1 hour), we then stayed together every night that week. She longed for the emotional connection she felt with me I believe. This doesn’t just happen with prostitutes, even 3-4 ‘regular’ women who I have had one night stands with or have met online have demonstrated the same almost instant falling in love. I think it’s because I’m very needy & very open about that, and as they are too – as you might expect for a woman in the position of a sex worker or having a one night stand – there is an addictive, almost immediate rush of affection & comfort, delivered like a drug being injected straight into the veins.
There is also nothing quite as painful as being in the first stages of love with a woman and having her phone ring as you are cuddling up on the sofa after a dinner date to let you know she has to go away to have sex with someone else. Even when she quits, those memories of being left are a pain that grows with the relationship, as the love deepens for her, those past events become more painful to recall. Those past events become traumas, they become visual flashbacks as you try and make love with her.
I would never, ever have chosen to fall in love with a prostitute, have risked pregnancy with a stripper or sought the feeling of true love from a one night stand. I don’t know why I did these things, mostly out of depression, desperation and intoxication. I just hope that there is some way other men can understand how damaging it can be, and that the desire to engage in these behaviours likely indicates a real need for both the man & the woman’s to seek therapy and professional guidance. It has been the most heart-breaking, ageing and painful process of my life. Love in my experience is a tragedy, a fight against all natural forces. It doesn’t have to be that way, I’m sure. But if you insist on meeting women through such avenues as I have done, I’m sure it will be.
Hi Dr. T! I haven’t submitted anything in awhile,tho I am always reading your posts. Thanks again for all your hard work and insight. I just finished watching your video with Paul Elam on the dangers of dating sex workers. And I needed to hear it,cuz guess what I did? Yep…I screwed up again. I got involved with a prostitute. Oh now…she’s just a part-time hooker. She has a regular full time job…she doesn’t really want to hook,she just does it cuz her regular job doesn’t pay quite enough to pay the bills…she is going to give up hooking any day now…if I would just give her more money she would give it up today…she had a troubled childhood,her father abandoned her and her mother was a crack addict in and out of jail all the time…she bounced around from foster home to foster home…and of course she was sexually abused-more than once…and Yadda Yadda Yadda Dr. T. All the things you have warned to watch out for. And still,I got sucked in by another damaged woman. I finally woke up and ended it a few weeks ago,and am now trying to process it all and understand the dynamics of what happened. I was not hurt nearly as badly this time as I was by my NPD ex girlfriend that I had previously wrote in about. But still,I was hurt and further damaged my recovery by getting involved in another relationship with a damaged woman. I just thought I might share a few insights that I have realized recently,perhaps they might help someone else.
First off,my xNPD gf that I wrote about was full blown NPD. And I did learn the hard way about those types,and have steered clear of them. But the lesson I failed to heed Dr. T-and you mention it in many of your posts-is the dangers of those who are,perhaps,not full blown narcissists-but have many narcissistic tendencies. I was just so focused on full narcissism,that I neglected to see and understand the full impact of a woman with only narc tendencies. And I did study and evaluate this woman early on,and became convinced that she is not full blown NPD. And I still hold that view of her. I failed to see and appreciate the narc tendencies she has. But after several months of the same ole same ole,I have returned to A Shrink 4 Men for enlightenment and comfort. What I now know-the most recent leasson this hard headed man has learned-is that a bad abusive relationship is a bad abusive relationship,regardless of whether the woman is full blown NPD,or just has a lot of the tendencies. It really doesn’t matter at the end of the day,does it? So in this relationship,I was only abused 95% of the time instead of 99% of the time. And this woman was not quite so cruel as the NPD. With the NPD woman,it was if you don’t have any money,then get the F*** outta here! I’ll go be with someone else today…call me when you got some money and I will be nice to u and spend some time with u. With this recent woman,it was like,if you don’t have any money today…well I’m busy…I have to work a double shift…I have relatives in from out of town…I’m just so tired tonite honey I’m just gonna go home and go to bed,I’m just not up to having company tonight. I found out later that many nights when she gets off work at 11PM,she then went up on the Avenue to hook. On nights when I had some money for her,she would not do that. You said it Dr. T-I was paying her to KEEP HER CLOTHES ON! When I first met her,I paid her to take her clothes off. I feel so embarrassed and ashamed Doc-at my age,I should know better. More hard learned lessons. But like I said,she didn’t hurt me near as bad as the previous one,financially or emotionally. I now more clearly see what u have said many times-these rescue missions just don’t work out. My heart may be good,but I foolishly keep putting it into the wrong hands. Obviously I still have issues that I must work on. What men like me need to learn is-we can not save or heal another person. Only God and professionals in the field can do that. Of course,that’s assuming the damaged person WANTS to be saved and healed. Most of them don’t want to be helped-they just want to be enabled. Even God can’t help a person who don’t want help,as He has given us all a free will.
Hey Dr T,thanks again so much for all your hard work. And thanks to Paul Elam also. I appreciate his insights as well. For me,it’s back to the old drawing board,back to the basics of recovery. I am saddened but I don’t give up! Onward and upward! Peace to all.
Dr. Tate:
I’d like to say thank you. Your blog topics and indeed your candid writing itself have helped me to prepare for the No Contact with the abusive narcissist I have been engaged to for the last four years.
Your candid tone and matter-of-fact responses to hypothetical ruminations of a victim’s mind have begun to resound in my head replacing the helpless thoughts that I had not the strength to alter before finding your site tonight.
Thank you.
I was a stripper for ten years. I quit five years ago. Whether my sex industry work and my abusive relationship fuel a thesis of psychological damage, I don’t mind or pursue.
The reason I comment is because while I appreciate the fervor with which you describe sex workers — as the Devil’s spawn — to your readers who perhaps have predilection to domineering, aggressive women like those in the sex industry….it still stings me.
I never dated while I was a stripper specifically because any man who was willing to collaborate with my employ was not the kind of man I would want to date.
Nonetheless, there are good people who enjoy attention (and money) from an eager audience watching (and paying) working in the sex industry. All work requires sacrifice of sorts. Why should a sacrifice of flesh register unethical while towing cars does not?
I made these remarks to apply my own salve to a burn not meant to harm me. Ultimately, what I mean to say is Thank You.
I will return in the event I need to fortify my wandering convictions with your powerful truths, Dr. Tate.
Thanks.
I’m so sorry. I just realized your name is Tara.
Your words overcame your identity!! Lol
Thank you for the kind note. I don’t think I used the phrase Devil’s Spawn. That was probably my former colleague.