It’s day 12 of Domestic Violence Awareness Month for Men and Boys. Today’s In His Own Words is a real time cry for help.
“Miguel” has been involved with an abusive borderline personality disordered woman on and off for 15 years. He is depressed and has thoughts of suicide. Miguel, she is NOT worth it. Get out and get help. (*Please note: English is not Miguel’s first language.)
A Real Time Cry for Help
It was 1998. My mother began minding a cousin’s baby while she was at work. She was in the process of being divorced. We knew each other when we were little children, and she returned to my life as a beautiful woman. She used to spend her days off with my family, because we lived very close to each other at the time.
It began two years later. One day, I returned home after work and she soon arrived with her three-year old kid. I greeted her with a hug and asked, “How are you?” She replied, “A little sad.”
That hug triggered it all. We began dating. It was the most romantic time of my life. I used to call her “My Heaven.”
Like many of the men who have shared their abuse stories, I ignored some really big red flags. For example, one day she’d tell me, “I love you so much.” The next day it would be, “We have to split up, this is no good.” And the next day it was, “I’m so in love with you.” It was really confusing.
Before we made our relationship “official,” we had lots of kissing, hugs and sexual foreplay. It lasted for about five months. We were so in love.
We started a secret relationship. It was a beautiful time in my life with lots of love, mutual support, great sex life, and the adrenaline of this forbidden relationship (we are first cousins). It was like that for two years. I also took care of her little boy. I love him like a child of my own, and we would spend time together every afternoon.
Our families disapproved of our relationship. My mother staged some big dramas because we decided to live together. We were stressed because of the family issues. I told my mom, “Please stop creating drama. She deserves respect. If you want to say something about this, talk with me. Leave her alone.”
Sometime later, things began to change for the worse. Her borderline personality disordered behaviors slowly began to emerge once we began living together.
She became violent for whatever reason. I gave her money every week. It was supposed to be used for buying some food. But at the end, there was nothing in the refrigerator and she became mad when I told her about it. It triggered a rage episode from her. I couldn’t believe that such a beautiful soul was transformed into a violent woman.
One day, I felt very tired. I turned on the radio and laid down to rest after helping her son with his homework, like always. She returned from work, opened the door and became really angry. I said, “Calm down.”
She took some scissors and threw them at my face. I was barely able to avoid the hit. She cried and begged me not to leave. She became terribly sad and I stayed with her.
In the next stage, she was blaming me for everything and began to bully me. I was dirty. I wasn’t good enough. I was mean. I was a momma’s boy, etc.
On Christmas Eve 2001, she decided to spend the night with a couple who were long-time friends of hers. I decided to visit my family to ease things between us, and stop the hate towards her.
She was very angry at my decision and refused to listen to my reasons. She told me, “Get out of my house!” She punished me and made me feel incredibly guilty.
It was a really painful experience. I was desolated. Some months later, I began psychiatric treatment and discovered some of her secrets. Her father used to beat her mother until she was unconscious and bleeding. My ex had made suicidal gestures while she was married and was seduced by an uncle when she was 15-years old.
I thought, “That’s why she became like this! It’s not her fault!” I was so addicted to her (and had some death wish at the time because of my feelings of guilt). I was on a mission to save her and our relationship.
She was in therapy and all of her demons from the past emerged. She went from victim to aggressor. I resisted her borderline episodes. I found a better job and proved that my intentions towards her were serious. We were together again and my stability made our lives easy for some time.
We had broke up and reunited on a regular basis. I used to forgive and forget all the time. I never felt she was stable enough to live together again though. When she kicked me out of her home it was traumatic. I told her and myself that I would move back in only if she was totally recovered.
We went on this way for more than ten years. In 2008, I had to move to another city (1 and a half hours from her). I did my best to spend more time with her. She hit me in the face. By 2011, things began to get even worse. Sometimes she looked at me with real hate and her violence escalated.
There were insults, humiliations and unpleasant sexual intercourse. Sex was more like a hate thing with rude language from her. At first it was exciting. Later it became ruder with even more insults and nastiness. She encouraged me to insult her while having sex, which made me feel very uncomfortable.
In October 2011, she called me and said, “I miss you so much.” I drove 1 and a half hours to see her that night. We hung out and then returned to her apartment to have sex. Afterwards she told me, “I have other options. Don’t think you are everything in the world.”
How could she be this cruel?! The next day I felt sad. She went to work and we had sex and slept together again that night. In the morning, she told me, “I don’t want anything to do with you anymore. It is over. Get out and take this like a man.”
I began to cry and begged for mercy. She was so insensitive and cruel. I left her home in immense pain. She called me and contacted me in the following months, but I refused to return to her.
She called again in March 2012. She said she was devastated by guilt and sadness, and I forgave her. 2012 was kind of stable, but things soon began to deteriorate at high speed at the beginning of 2013.
The violent episodes returned. I began to lose interest in seeing her because I knew it would likely be a bad time. She complained about my lack of interest, but I was exhausted because the violence had returned to our bedroom.
One night she told me if I didn’t spend more time with her, she would find someone else to “fuck” her. She asked, “Is that what you want?”
She did this only once. I stopped our foreplay, shocked and sad. She asked, “What happened?” I explained how terrible I felt because of her words. She apologized and it never happened again. But the damage was done. It was devastating!
The next time we had sex, she was in ecstasy telling me that she was mine and only mine. “I don’t want to make love with anyone else, only with you! I love you so much!”
She would minimize the most aggressive things she did, claiming her behaviors “were not that serious;” while my mistakes were terrible sins. She also justified her abuse of me. According to her, I deserved her aggressions and insults. She told me that I was only good for sex. She became verbally abusive, and it hurt so much.
The physical violence also returned. She threw some punches at me. I took her arms and said, “Calm down.” I didn’t feel secure while sleeping next to her. I didn’t know what to expect with each visit.
I don’t know if her therapy helped her. Things seemed to get worse despite her therapy group. Honestly, she seemed better before the therapy. Sometimes when she returned from a session, she was terribly depressed or really angry.
She found also new excuses for her abusive behavior thanks to therapy. She said her therapist told her I’m a passive-aggressive individual. And my loving, supportive, and caring actions were controlling and violent? They were empty excuses to justify her aggression. Her main complaint was my lack of commitment, but how could I possibly be expected to commit and legally bind myself to her with that kind of behavior?
In April 2013, I had a depressive episode and we split up again. Some time later, she called and told me that she was at the bus station. She came to my city because she wanted to be with me. I welcomed her and we had a romantic afternoon like the old times!
I returned with her back to her city and spent a few days with her. I didn’t want to leave, but had to return for work. I agreed to visit the next weekend, but I was unable because I was unwell.
On Monday, she called and was really angry and insulting. She wouldn’t listen. On Friday, I travelled to her city and arrived at 10:30 PM without calling her prior to my departure. It was like an emergency to me. I called her several times and had no answer. Her family lives in another province and I thought that she might be with them.
I made more phone calls and sent messages with no response. This was another kind of violence. She was ignoring me. This triggered a terrible depression episode instantly for me. The consequence was a huge gastritis. My stomach swelled and oppressed my lungs. I was monitored for a possible heart attack because my chest was killing me. The depression was overwhelming. I told myself no more of this hell.
Since my 20s, I have experienced depressive episodes. Some of them have come with no reason. Suddenly the depression appears, I am stunned and it’s really hard to cope with everyday life.
A month and a half later, she called to my home just like if nothing had happened! She tried to fool me by saying that her cellphone didn’t register my calls and messages. BIG LIE!
She admitted that she was ignoring me in the calls that followed and blamed me for everything. We talked twice and I told her it was over. I was really pissed off and ignored two of her calls. I was sad and angry.
One month later, my depression was really bad and I called her. She ignored me again. I felt horribly guilty because I had ignored her last calls. She answered and told me there was nothing to talk about anymore. I called her at work. I was broken and crying and begging for help. She was merciless.
I never treated her that way when she was that bad. Depression is terrible. I feel really weak. I’m shaking and feel sick, too. I have a terrible void and feel that it’s over. I have self-destructive thoughts.
Her ex-husband has been hospitalized several times. Perhaps not so surprisingly, he’s a depressed person as well. Their son has told me his father hasn’t had a girlfriend or another woman in his life since the divorce. This scares me. I don’t want to end up that way. Some of our friends and family told me she treated him really bad while they were married.
She went from aggression to real hate against me in the last year. And now I feel guilty. I wonder, what if I stayed with her? What if I answered her phone calls? What if I had taken better care of my depression and not bothered her with it?
I feel like I was never was good enough for her. Guilt and sadness are annihilating me.
Miguel, if you are reading this, you need to stop. Stop right now and get help for yourself and fuck Chica Loca and her issues. If you were sitting across from me right now, I would have to resist the urge to give you a good shake and tell you to snap out of it. This woman is poison. Continuing any kind of relationship with her is equivalent to feeding yourself great big spoonfuls of arsenic.
I strongly encourage you to:
1. Get some psychiatric help. You need to treat your depression and codependency issues. If you are seriously considering suicide, go to a hospital. Don’t end your life over some selfish, fucked up woman.
2. Stop communicating with this woman. Period. No contact, no contact, no contact, no contact, no freaking contact! Think of Chica Loca as if she is an addiction. She is an addiction. You know she is dangerous and harmful to your health, yet you still crave her.
I don’t know if your country has Codependents Anonymous meetings. If there are CODA groups, you may want to consider attending. The sooner you go “cold turkey” (i.e., no contact), the sooner you will begin to heal. Continuing to engage with this woman will only delay your recovery and bring you more pain.
3. Unplug the Hoover and Crazy-proof yourself. Expect that she will contact you again and prepare yourself.
3. Quit romanticizing this woman and your life with her — even the good times. Abusive borderline women are not special snowflakes. They are a dime a dozen. She is not the love of your life. With any luck, she can become one of the great lessons of your life.
If a relationship with a borderline serves any positive purpose, it is to wake you up and help you recognize what is broken and needs healing within yourself. Quit worrying about her and start taking care of you.
4. Connect the dots. Figure out what attracted you to this woman. Are there similarities between Chica Loca and your mother, your father or some other important childhood figure? Are you pissed at your mother and/or family because they were abusive to you when you were a child? Was having a romance with your cousin a way to get back at your parents? Do you believe you cannot be happy unless you are making someone else happy?
Try to figure out why you tolerated Chica Loca’s crazy nonsense and why you yearned for her even when she was shitting all over you. Individuals with a healthy sense of self-respect and self-esteem don’t put up with that kind of behavior for long, if at all. You need to love yourself enough and respect yourself enough to show the Chicas Locas of this world the door as soon as they pull any crap. Do not tolerate anyone in your life who does not treat you with the same kindness and respect that you afford them.
In His Own Words is an effort to help raise awareness about the invisible victims of domestic violence, men. If you would like to submit your story, please follow the guidelines at the end of this article.
Counseling with Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD
Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD helps individuals work through their relationship and codependency issues via telephone or Skype. She specializes in helping men and women trying to break free of an abusive relationship, cope with the stress of an abusive relationship or heal from an abusive relationship. Coaching individuals through high-conflict divorce and custody cases is also an area of expertise. She combines practical advice, emotional support and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Schedule a Session page for more information.
Want to Say Goodbye to Crazy? Buy it HERE.
Miguel,
Thank you for your story. You’re not alone. Many people find there way here (myself included) trying to understand “why”. Reading your story, and finding the similarities to my own life helped me feel less alone. Like the other posters here, you’ve helped me with my own recovery. I look forward to hearing a happy ending to your tale.
-Dis_conn_ect_ed
Hi -Dis_conn_ect_ed
I think that Shrink4men is such a life saver, I came to the right place at the right time. And I share your feeling about thisarticles and posts, they arehelpingme to understand whre I’m and who really she is.I’m currently in therapy and this seems hard because of the no contact.I have to be strong.
Miguel, no soy latino sino caucasio, pero fui casado con una mexicana bien loca casi tan loca como tu mujer. Como la Dra. T te recomienda, ve inmediatemente a un hospital o doctor y habla con ellos sobre tu depresion. No soy medico, pero en muchos casos pueden ayudarte con medicamento, terapia, y a veces encuentran una condicion fisica que puede ocasionar y/o empeorar la depresion ej diabetes, sindrome mitochondrial, fatiga cronica, etc. Yo tenia algo asi y ahora me siento mucho mejor.
No vale la pena quitarte la vida por otra persona, sobre todo una persona quien no te estima sino que te desvaloriza. Es una enfermedad de sociopatia, una enfermedad espiritual i emocional. Esta persona es una vibora y te jala hacia abajo. Sal de la relacion ahora mismo y salvate ya.
***************************************************************************
Miguel, I’m not latino but rather caucasian, but I was married to a Mexican woman quite crazy almost as crazy as yours. As Dr. T recommends, go to a hospital right away or a doctor and speak with them about your depression. I’m not a doctor, but in many cases they can help you with medication, therapy, and/or they sometimes find another physical condition that can cause or worsen depression, e.g., diabetes, mitochondrial syndrome, chronic fatigue. I have a mitochondrial-like condition and with a special diet and whatnot I feel much better.
Its not worth killing yourself over another person, especially a person who doesn’t appreciate you but rather invalidates you. Its a disease of sociopathy, a spiritual and emotional illness. This person is a snake who just drags you down. Get out of this relationship now and save yourself.
Greetings cuatezon
“This person is a snake who just drags you down. Get out of this relationship now and save yourself.”
Yes I feel that this relationship has lead me to the Rock Botttom, I lost self esteem, and lots things from the man I used to be before.Afer all I have hope.
Thank you very much Dr Tara J. Palmatier for your support and advice in this awful moment of my life. Even today I feel stuck. This is my second week of No Contact but the memories of the good times assault me frequently, and I have to read again your suggestions to get my feet on earth again. I been through so much pain these days.
I gave love, support,and always cared about her. I never insulted her, or chated, to be physically violent to her was unthinkable in my book.
I gave my best according to my possibilities and received pain, damage,therapy sessions and meds in exchange.
This is so frustrating
My chica loca name is venice- and i just had a very bad episode. i didnt hit her, but i tore up my room pretty bad. i shouldnt have moved to indiana with her. coming down stairs and getting online has stopped me from doing something unthinkable.my wife is just like that woman except she is making me crazy by immature covert aggressions. hand signals, string threads, projecting herself all the time in my peripheral veiw, uncontrollably taking over my conversations every tim even with family and wont let me get a word in after she stops talking,possibly even fucking my brother in law, along with an unknown number of other men that i know. she has 4 daughters that i helped raise from when they are little; now they are grown- the youngest 15, the oldest 23. i been with her 15 years as well, from 1999. those kids have fought me after getting along all day because she came home from a bad day at work, on numerous occasions. yet know that i am the only father figure they have, and they express it.they know their mom has issues, and so do they. and so do i.one time i was yelling at them about not doing chores,and their mom ran up on me with both fists clenched together and bashed me in my back infront of all of them. they laughed like it was the funniest shit they ever seen in their lives. wheni told her i was going to call the cops on her,she got completely necked in front of all of us, threw cooking oil on herself and yelled ”them mutha fuckas wont take me easily!this year i was supposed to leave her in south carolina after the last fight which ended with her children leaving my home; guess what, during the middle of the month,i decided to take her with me even though she made no attempt tohave any civil conversation with me at all when we were supposed to try to make things work; it was just me trying.she was just ignoring me whatching tv while i was pouring my heart out and crying like hell.i feel like a real bitch.we moved to indiana and had a counseling session with my mom’s pastor who was overcoming cheating on his wife. he said he would talk to her for 15 minutes and me 15 minutesbehind closed door. he was with her for an hour and a half, and me 25 minutes.he told me that she cannot love you if she doesnt love herself . did she tell you about the ten percent thing? where she always keep 10 percent of herself for herself so she doesnt get hurt?WHAT?! i keep asking her why for 15 years,and because the pastor is an ex football playr for the nfl,she spills her guts to him, a life time of truth within an hour an a half?!and she is still having fun with me to this very day,doing annoying 5th grade shit that triggers me into an ocd twitch fit,just because she’s bored and she’s within my peripheral view. every day, i half to turn my back to her. and when i do, she makes swishing noises with her clothes, person, and does other annoying shit to say” you cant get away from me unless i let you”. this woman is from kingston, jamaica. and i feel like she has put ”obeyah” witch craft on me. either her, or her sister.all of the gastritis,i get it. the feeling of not wanting to live without her in lou of her fuckery, i feel.i KNOW for a fact i should have never come here with her. now i’m STUCK with her because as another human being i can’t put her out,and i’m afraid she might ban a posse of niggas on me (dont worry i’m black) like her second oldest and her husband the convicted attempted murderer did when the guy he knew befriended me just to take me out in the country with his family, get drunk, jump me, and if i couldn’t hobble back in my truck, try to kill me.im sure she knew all about it because she spoke of her daughter visiting her at work and telling hr some things, which she never tells me everything.tonight because i asked her earlier today to help me make scence of why i woke up months ago to see her beside me necked nothing not even panties on , her legs stretched out to open her crotch, her legs pinning me down in the blanket ,her with no blanket, my door fully opened, and my brother in law laying on my fucking couch, when he could have been sleeping in the back room with my sister his wife; and before i went to sleep,she ha 2 pajamas on because she said she was cold, shirt and under shirt and bra,and i closed and loocked my door before i went to sleep,and she was already sleeping when i got in the bed; she automatically jumped to her defense,but all she could do was yell so the neighbors could hear her in my new apartment scream” i did not have sex with your brother in law!” and we all know what a creep the neighbors will think i am on that one. when in fact she possibly did when she makes it seem like she didnt even know how she got the way she was and wasnt drinking ,would have closed the door before she got necked …and months later if it is just me him and her alone they try to play me like some kind of softy or something.im talking to myself nw and resenario’ing it out in my head. i’m going crazy and she feels validated because i had pre existing depression.she plays dumb alot. if i ask her to stop doing a certain thing, she says what this? And wont stop there either.she’ll keep doingit log after theyve come to take you to the looney bin just in case you think of coming back.two of her daughters have kids ;one from two men who have the same complaint as i do,one has a good job and makes 15 an hour, did everything to keep her happy ; 700 dollar i phones, 1000 dollar computers, apartments, cars,you name it, all for her and his son. she couldnt stay out the ghetto around 30+ men with all their shirts off every time he comes to pick him up,they dont even ask him anymore if he wants to buy coke (they sit out there all day and hustle) they look like they want to rob him!and what does she do? start yelling and fighting him because when she gets in the car, he says, zamaica you been out here for three days straight and wouldnt even come home to cook me or your child a meal,what’s up with that?”now she’s with an attempted murderer and they have a son as well. she through her mother’s teaching through me somehow softened him up and now he calls from jail(he stil sends her money and he is the one in jail ya’ll)and asks her mom how could she ever let him marry her?(she cheats on him openly with several men all in the name of money and what they could do for her.All of these men are the same age as me, and have been allowed through their mom to date them,and have kids with them.(they really dated them hoping they would kick my ass and set my wife up with their brothers, and friends, because she knows them all and i have already been disrespected by some of them until they come crawling back because of my sd’s narcisism.the oldest one had one my age too, at the age of 15.mom let her i thought it was t.r.he was friends of the second oldest’s son’s father.he would give my sd 1000 dollars at a time. he ended up on my couch one night and i had to kick him out because he would have hurt her. saying that she is a hoe. he caught her at her girlfriends house sucking some guy’s dick for 40 dollars a pop.found out to be true, but for some reason was my fault because i asked their mom to stop her bullshit with me long enough to deal with her children.Now she’s with another man and has a beautiful daughter with him, but was still out there trying to be over friendly with other guys,and really made the wrong choice with him because he already has alot of kids and now has to take on job number three to take care of her.my youngest two s.d’s are staying with her right now.they are half way taking care of themselves while their mom is here with me not trying to find a decent job.i am online and making phone calls for her while she’s laying down in the bed.the more i push her to get a job while i’m donating plasma every week until my disability check comes,the more she makes it look like im doing nothing. and i’m once again paying all the bills!she’s not even on my lease,because i have section 8 and her sister lost her resident alien card and she refuses to do what she has to do to get another one,and because of it cant get backon insurance, and has to look over her shoulder all the time.i bought an expedition and put it in her name because they let her get back her liscence,and she can never keep it . this wil be the sixth time in five years that she lost it all because she dont want to pay the insurance on time. my little bit of money goes to the bigger bills,rent,lights,food before the food stamps(in my name)and all she ha s to do is pay the water and insurance. gas but we don’t half to pay that now.she steals clothes even when she had thousands from hustling with her sister and her men because she was a colepto maniac.her and her girlfriends who would come down from boston and new york would go on a weekly shoplifting spree and would get thousand of dollars worth of clothes. i am the only one with the least clothes ,but scince they were doing it wouldnt of minded more. they are very good at what they do,and even with being domineering bitches.the lifestyle of a jamican family that came to america and got down with people they knew from jamaica to sell drugs, and these kids became a product of their environment. now, years later,drug free and after working with my girl cousin for about six years now at subway, my wife gets a taste of working.but cant put down the control factor and the subtleness especially with seducing other men with her cooking and conivery and with covert aggression toward me. tonight ,in order to stop from hurting her, i was in mid air punching and kicking everything except her.i can feel her right now as i write, trying to kinetically get me to stop typing because she KNOWS it’s about her.and i feel something is about to happen.not necessarily her even coming down here and telling me off; i feel spirits around me and hear walking around the outside of my front door,and i know it isnt good,as it is 6:38 a.m and the kids arent even ready to come out for school yet.she has a way with people and chooses not to have anything else but her way with me.and i half to move on because i know she is trying to put me in the hospital .i also half to check to see if there is a life insurance policy out for me because she talks of going back to jamaica with alot of money. this dont know where its coming from and dont know why shes so unhappy with me and cant let me go to the point of leaving her children to go with me. i should have snuck out when i got the money for my truck(title loan).help!
by the way that animation in my first comment looks exactly how i feel.
Miguel: Please heed Dr. Tara’s advice. I first came to this site years ago, to help a friend…who is still in his relationship, so all I can think it, “Maybe it’s not as bad as he made it out to be…??” You can only help someone else if they really want help.
Narcissists/Cluster ‘B’s do not want help. They want to remain in a constant state of victimhood. When you help them and are kind to them, they get really pissed off. After all, how can they be a victim without a perpetrator?
To Dr. T: This site helps everyone. I was in a relationship with a man-child over the winter; someone who I had a serious crush on in high school. He seemed so sweet and sensitive. Same story: sweet, kind, spoke of ‘being in love’ and a future together (almost immediately), open and honest, complimentary, romantic, flirtatious…then like a lightswitch! cold, unfeeling, no empathy, whining about his problems, blaming them on all his exes…He also had the mysterious fibromyalgia…it finally hit me on our last phone call, when he took a pleasant conversation and turned it into him Screaming at me at the top of his lungs, to go “Fuck Yourself!” not to mention, his calling me satanic, among other things.
The next day, I responded to an email from him, just to say, “What were you so damn upset about over the phone last night? You said the same thing in this email.” He replied, “Spring will be here soon. When the time is right, we’ll talk again. You’re still the best.”
I’m like, “You’re psychotic!” (in my mind).
Recalling all that I’d learned from Dr. Tara, along with the other helpful websites and books over the years, I recognized it for what it was, rather than trying to make sense of it all. I’m going no contact, and will NOT engage with him when he’s ‘feeling better.’
You are WASTING precious time and mental effort in an attempt to rationalize an irrational mind. She’s fucked in the head. Accept that. Accept that your only responsibility is putting up with it for far too long. I’m thankful that I got out after only 5 months…his behavior was more and more irrational, and my heart was closed off to him by the end.
Also, instead of spending so much time forgiving her, start forgiving yourself. Putting up with abusive, then subjecting yourself to it over and over again, is a little like playing Russian Roulette with someone else’s hand on the trigger.