Trigger Warning: If you are married to a mentally unstable, emotionally immature woman who abuses alcohol, the following video may induce acute anxiety, flashbacks and/or a feeling of unease and foreboding. On the other hand, if you have broken up with or divorced a woman who exhibits the following behavior, you may feel a great sense of relief that you got the hell out. If so, good on you!
In the tantrum seen ‘round the world, James Mongiat told his wife, Whitney Mongiat, that she was behaving like an 11-year old who didn’t get the toy she wanted at Wal-Mart.
James Mongiat is wrong.
Based on Whitney’s temper tantrum, she’s behaving more like a 4-year old than an 11-year old emotional maturity wise.
In case you haven’t seen the video yet, here it is (*if you’re at work you may want to lower the volume or pop in some ear buds):
To drive home the point of what you just witnessed, please watch this:
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YouTube DirektI want to go to the PARK!
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YouTube DirektGet my own way
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YouTube DirektI want to watch the MOVIE!
Whitney’s behavior is no different than the behavior of the children in the above videos except that Whitney is a 30-year old woman.
James Mongiat’s video has generated quite the hullabaloo in the court of public opinion. Even though I should know better by now, I have been astonished at the number of women and some men who are rationalizing and excusing Whitney’s behavior and excoriating James for filming her temper tantrum. Comments defending Whitney boil down to:
- James set her up.
- James provoked her.
- James was bullying Whitney and the tantrum was her reaction to being bullied.
- James is a passive-aggressive narcissist.
- James is a monster for ridiculing her while she was having an anxiety attack.
- James is wrong for posting her private behavior publicly.
It is unlikely James set Whitney up. If this tantrum behavior was an anomaly for Whitney there would be no video because James could not have anticipated her behavior. The fact that he was ready to record her full-on brat attack tells me her tantrum is nothing out of the ordinary.
In fact, what James did is a great example of ABR (Always Be Recording), which I recommend every man do who is married to or dating an abusive woman. With someone who behaves like Whitney, it’s usually not a matter of if she’s going to go off, but when she’s going to go off.
James did not provoke Whitney. He told her, “No.” The only people who are “provoked” by being told, “No,” are typically spoiled children, the personality disordered, bullies and/or sociopaths. Reasonably healthy adults don’t lose our shit when we’re told, “No.” We may feel disappointed, frustrated or even angry, but we don’t resort to nursery school tactics to get our way.
By the way, for those of you in the dating pool, this is a classic red flag. If a woman or man acts like this when you tell them, “No,” hit the eject button. Adults do not have histrionic meltdowns because they have to do chores instead of getting to lake and bake.
James did not bully Whitney. Whitney and her mother claim Whitney acted that way because she felt “bullied” by James. Again, telling someone, “No,” is not a form of bullying. Unless, of course, the bullying takes the form if, “No!!! I will not stop screaming and carrying on until you do what I want!!!!“
Additionally, if Whitney had truly been consistently bullied by James and was afraid of him, she would not have pulled that crap. Not once, not ever.
James is probably not a passive-aggressive narcissist. James did not lose his cool at any time during the entire incident. He told Whitney, “No,” maintained his boundary and very directly called her out on her nonsense. She did not negotiate with James by saying, for example, “If I help you get the chores done on the list today, can we go to the lake after?” or “Okay, let’s get everything done today so we can enjoy the lake together tomorrow.”
Instead Whitney kept escalating the volume of her temper tantrum. This is what bullies and abusers do. They increase the pressure and noxious behaviors until you submit. James did not act like a passive-aggressive narcissist. He stood his ground and told Whitney exactly what he was going to do and why. If anything, James seemed like a half-exasperated/half-amused parent watching his toddler pitch a fit, which is precisely what Whitney was doing.
Whitney was not having an anxiety attack. I have worked with people who genuinely suffer from Generalized Anxiety Disorder and panic attacks. When they’re in the midst of an attack they’re typically in no condition to be slurping down a Starbucks Refresher drink and texting and Facebooking what mean a-holes their husbands are for not taking them out for a day on the lake.
At the 1:00 mark in the video when she says, “I’m gettin’ ank-shuss!” it sounds as if she’s trying to suppress laughter. I don’t buy for one second that she was having anxiety. The tantrum was nothing more than a manipulation tactic. Some kids know full well if they carry on long enough their parents will relent and let them have their way just to get some peace and quiet — just like Whitney.
James is not wrong for posting her private behavior publicly, but it may land him in hot water in divorce court. Even a half-witted divorce attorney will probably be able to flip this around and make him look like the bad guy. Never mind that Whitney seems to have a habit of complaining about her husband to her friends on Facebook – a public forum. Seems only fair that James gets to have his say.
From the interviews I’ve read with Whitney and her mother, they both claim to be embarrassed — not by her behavior, but that it was exposed publicly. [Insert extreme eye roll.] As Kevin K so succinctly stated on the Shrink4Men Facebook page, “As usual, these people are more concerned about getting caught than being concerned about how they’re acting.” Bingo, Kev.
More men should document this kind of behavior. Oftentimes, it’s the only way people will believe them that their wife or girlfriend really is that bad. Yes, it would have been better for them to resolve their issues privately, but therein lies the problem. If Whitney’s behavior in the video is a regular occurrence, then throwing tantrums, having rage-outs and trash talking her husband are how she “solves” problems. In other words, problems don’t get resolved and the bad behavior continues to escalate.
In fact, if enough men document their girlfriends and wives behaving like this, it could become a spin-off of the Girls Gone Wild! franchise — maybe Women Gone Child!
Nah. Who would enjoy watching that?
Counseling with Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD
Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD helps individuals work through their relationship and codependency issues via telephone or Skype. She specializes in helping men and women trying to break free of an abusive relationship, cope with the stress of an abusive relationship or heal from an abusive relationship. Coaching individuals through high-conflict divorce and custody cases is also an area of expertise. She combines practical advice, emotional support and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Schedule a Session page for more information.
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Whitney’s mother shouldn’t be embarrassed. She should be ASHAMED that her grown daughter behaves this way. She failed as a parent. I hope that James frees himself of this grown brat.
Dr Tara Palmatier says
I couldn’t agree more, MB.
Doug Hart says
Holy ex wife batman! My first wife would goad me into an argument and while we were in the middle of it calmly pick up the phone and slowly dial it. I would ask her who the hell she was calling and she would sit there tapping her manicured nails on the table until the 911 operator picked up on the other end. Where upon my wife would start screaming into the receiver like I was killing her. I don’t know if this relevant but it’s what came to mind as I watched these clips.
“Whitney’s behavior is no different than the behavior of the children in the above videos except that Whitney is a 30-year old woman.”
There’s another diference – these kids are actually cute 🙂
I wonder what would have happened if a man did this…
Women Gone Child! – that made me laugh!
This is one of the best reviews if the video I have read so far, she is a friend and I was at their wedding, all I can say is that the sec had to have been amazing, she also makes or should undaunted made really good money but according to the video doesnt share any of it
What is with the praise for recordiing. While humorous it is wrong. My BPD wife recorded me in our house for months including when I was talking to our young children. In 10 years of marriage I had no history of yelling or abuse and she was recording me while behaving badly toward me hoping I would verbally explode or hit her. Any normal man probably would have. I stumbled on the recorder and then did some more snooping and found volumes of writings by my wife of Harry Potter fan fiction porn with our young children’s names mixed in as characters. Disgusting beyond belief and against the perfect mom image she portrayed to others.
I left the home to get away from crazy. My point is though while going through a nasty divorce where wife refuses regular visitation and expects me to pay all bills is that my divorce lawyer says the behavior of wife recording me and writing kiddie porn will have no affect on custody or equitable distribution. These videos are just entertainment and you can bet wife tapes husband. I wish I had my wife on tape acting crazy but when it gets to the point you need to record your spouse, you should already be out of the house. Even if I end up broke, leaving crazy is the best move I ever made.
Dr Tara Palmatier says
I don’t find that woman’s behavior humorous. I find it appalling.
I am sorry your wife put you under surveillance and for what she is currently doing to you and the children. I can’t begin to imagine what that must be like. What is happening is criminal. While I agree with you in theory, I have lost count of the number of men I have worked with or whose stories I have read in the news in which recording their spouse’s abusive behavior helped them avoid arrest and/or going to jail. It doesn’t always work, but it works often enough to make it a good safety practice.
GeorgeBest, recordings saved my life, without a doubt. I lived in a place where I was allowed to record without the other party’s consent, and I used hidden recorders initially to protect myself. One day I listened to the hours of recordings I’d made, not thinking I’d find anything, and instead found my now-ex spending hours upon hours telling the wives of senior officers (I was in the military at the time) all the awful things I was, implying I was a potential child molester. I took action. I got recordings of her learning from the local wimmin’s center how to plant the shitty stuff on my computer. I immediately buttoned down everything so tight she couldn’t get into any of it. She finally found one of the recorders, but that didn’t stop me from always having a recorder on me and always having one on in the common areas of the house.
What did it get me? It got me my commanding officer telling me that of course she’s acting crazy, he’d act that way, too, if someone was recording him all the time. It got social services saying that I was doing it to gain leverage in the divorce rather than protect our children and my ass. What I find odd, and I don’t mean this to insult or mock you in any way, is that your criticisms of your ex doing this almost exactly match the criticisms leveled against me for doing it.
In the end, her manipulation of my seniors took away my ability to work in my profession. What I have, though, is evidence of the manipulation she made. When she called the cops with false stories, multiple times, I handed them the recorders and asked if they wanted to listen to what actually happened. They told me to keep recording. And in the long run, her fear of being exposed by what I had recorded likely prevented her from being the royal psycho I expected her to be during the divorce process. Her fear of being exposed outweighed all the material and psychic gains she could have made from trashing me.
The only problem with James airing his tapes is that he’s lost the power he had by not airing them. All the usual twits are lining up to castigate him for documenting her disgusting behavior, and since she’s already been exposed he loses the protection he had.
I think you may be falling prey to what Eugene Volokh coined the “Reverse Mussolini Fallacy” (http://www.volokh.com/posts/1133568627.shtml). It goes something like this.
1. Mussolini made the trains run on time.
2. Mussolini was bad.
Therefore, making the trains run on time is bad.
In this case, you seem to be saying.
1. My BPD wife recorded me.
2. My BPD wife is bad (or, if that’s too broad, had some problematic behaviors).
Therefore, recording is bad.
Recording your spouse’s problematic behavior is completely unrelated to writing pornographic fan fiction, just like making the trains run on time is completely unrelated to fascism.
If you attempt to entrap your spouse into bad behavior so you can record it, that’s a different thing altogether, but that doesn’t seem to be what’s happening here.
Cousin Dave says
To be honest, I had not paid much attention to this story up until now. When I first heard about it, I assumed it was scripted by someone trying to make a viral video. Now that it’s confirmed as real, I need to go take another look.
First off, LOVE your page…
I have seen a lot of groups posting this video and the reactions pretty much fall along male/female lines. The men think she’s Borderline and the women think he’s a Narcissist.
My good friend (a lesbian woman, so maybe a different perspective altogether) and I had this conversation about it.
Her: “Yeah, I saw it. That bitch is straight up crazy!”
Me: “Some people think he’s the abuser and pushed her to that point to make her look crazy?”
Her: “Well, I saw a 3 minute video. What the Hell do I know?”
Me: “Yup, pretty much.”
One female online that thought the woman could be the problem, was called a Narcissist for thinking so by some of the other women who lead DV groups. But the male led groups were not even criticized for thinking the same thing.
Personally, I believe that none of us were there. None of us know these people and there’s no way we can say for certain which one is the problem. I didn’t even bother posting it, since I didn’t think it was that big of a deal. Yes, it triggered some emotions, having been in an abusive marriage, but again, I saw a 3 minute video. What the hell do I know?
Isn’t it interesting how much of a reaction there has been over one 3-4 minute video. Jeesh!
Dr Tara Palmatier says
There’s much more to the story than depicted in the 3-minute video. If you’re interested, please listen to our BlogTalkRadio program tonight at 9pm EDT (http://www.blogtalkradio.com/avoiceformen/2013/08/02/mwt-radio-lake-tantrum-special). Jame Mongiat will be our guest for the entirety of the 90-minute program. So you will hear much more than anyone has been able to in the mainstream, anemic 30-second sound bytes.
Cool. I’ll have to check that out 🙂
Listened to the first half of the blogtalk tonight, had to abort after too many disconnections for some reason. What I did hear was excellent. Tara, your commentary was extremely articulate (as well as Paul’s). Jim and Joel did very well also. Been reading the articles here on the site, just wanted to say how pleased I am to have found this forum. Long story super short, I was with a BPD for 9 years, married for 5. Getting away was seemingly impossible for so long. Upon finally mustering up the courage to leave (and abandon everything I had worked so hard for, because that is the only way she would have it, like Jim) finally I was free from the insanity, drama, histrionics, rages, moods, abuse, false accusations, it was horrible. What came out of it that was very positive, no criminal repercussions, no kids and now I am an expert at identifying these types from a mile away. Thanks for creating this site and all you do for the men, Tara…. I’ll be around….Billy Mitch
Oh Dr. T… you and I go WAAAAAY back!
It seems that the more things change, the more they stay the same.
When I saw this post, I knew I had to respond. Ya see, I just got out of a nearly 4 year relationship with my ex. It was mind-boggling her response(s) to the word “no”. And it was even more mind-boggling her nearly 100% aversion to the words “I’m sorry.” The power struggles with someone who nearly always NEEDED control – especially in our relationship – really ended our relationship.
In the past 8 months:
– She has come at me with fists flying. I had to hold her down and threaten to call the police. I didn’t because I was afraid she would lose her job.
– She came at me again, though this time not hitting me, but grabbing me forcefully and trying to throw me out of the bedroom. My crime? Because I didn’t want to have sex with her after her comment of “if you don’t get your ass in here soon I’m going to bed.” To which my reply was “ok then, go to bed”. And all hell broke loose. I slept on the couch and she proceeded to throw all of my clothes out in the living room. The next day her response was “I didn’t throw your clothes out here to hurt you, I just gave you better access to them.” WTF???
– She has ADHD. Her youngest son, who lives with her/us then, sometimes has problems with reading comprehension. I think it’s because he spends his time playing video games and not enough time reading. She thinks its because he might have ADHD, so she gives him Adderall – speed! All I could do was watch in silence because her reply would be “you’re not going to tell me how to raise my kids!” And all I could do for him was walk into his bedroom and apologize.
– And the last straw was me asking her “please don’t put this ugly 36″ x 48” piece on the wall. She flips out, decides that I need to move out, that I am blocking her musical creativity – she was going to put music lessons on there which she could have easily kept on a dry erase board which she did do – but still kicked me out. It wasn’t about the piece on the wall, it was about the word no. Her reply was “you’re not going to tell me what I can and can’t do in my own house”. I reminded her that I lived there too, which only brought on more of an attack.
All over the word “no”. And all of this without an apology.
So I confided in her oldest son about what was going on. She caught wind of that and now all Hell has broken loose again. I live by myself. And she HATES me now. To which, my reply is “wow, you’re so concerned about other people finding out, and so concerned about protecting your good name, but IF you hadn’t done all of this crazy shit, then there would be nothing to report.” I was trying to find her some help, someone to talk to her besides me, and trying to save my living arrangement. I even contacted her therapist via email about what was going on. Yes, I was that concerned.
The more things change… the more they stay the same…
How MUCH does ADHD play a factor in all of this? I’ve read several ADHD books and most of this is not uncommon. But, to me, anyone who can pull this craziness off and then get a good night’s sleep has to have some element of sociopathy in them? I’m not talking about slit-your-throat sociopathy, but man… there is no level of right in those actions, and no excuse for that kind of behavior – except for keeping that good reputation and not feeling bad about yourself.
In my opinion, there are no elements of ADHD in her behavior, this is pure BPD. This article is one of the best I’ve read about ADHD: http://gettinbetter.com/ADD.html
Shari Shreiber is also writing about bpd, you’ll find many great articles on her site.
I told her many times “This is not my world. This is not even our world. This is your world, and I am little more than a sidekick. I am not allowed to set limits, say no, disagree, have my own thoughts, my own feelings because when I do, they are immediately denied, dismissed and replaced by you for what you think I should think and feel. You come across like you are allowed to do whatever, say whatever, and it’s all justified. You never have to say you’re sorry, and if you actually do say it, it comes across more like you’re more concerned with the ramifications of not saying “i’m sorry” than of actual contrition.” What is that old saying? Apologizing is not about the other person is 100% right and you’re 100% wrong. It means you value the relationship more than your ego. So those people who must win at all costs must have something deep inside that they must hold onto, even when the destruction is obvious. One of her favorite replies was “you want me to be perfect”, which seems to be a standard response to someone who has been told time and again, “no, I want you to be accountable”. Therein lies the problem…
Freedom…it’s her problem (especially the perfect part of the conversation).
I dealt with an exgf (not too long ago) who had a very big problem with apologizing. It her mind (I’m sure) she saw this as being weak if she every had to apologize..she was trying to be “perfect”..to herself.
I even made a joke about it one time. I heard her apologize on the phone for something else (work related to her boss) and I made the statement “Let’s record the date, time…maybe even frame the apology..hang it on the wall. It will probably be a long time before I hear those words!” LOL.
Her problem…not your problem. You dig? 😉
My wife recorded my conversations and interactions with her and our young kids for months and tried to goad me into bad behavior which didn’t work and I only found out about it after stumbling on her recorder. I had no history of yelling, threatening, or degrading so to me such actions are reprehensible. The fact I later found thousands of pages of Harry Potter pornographic fan fiction using other characters with our kids names only confirms what I believe to be someone I married who is a sociopath. Not all sociopathic behavior can be recorded so easily.
Itza Sekret says
On the tape, W’s “micro behaviors” are revealing. She >instantlyinstantly< switches back to play him hard the other way. She tries a quick switch to "Ank Shuss" to test it out… but gets no traction and quickly reverts to hi volume hysterics as her best lever. I don't buy her routine for a micro-second. I had to deal with similar a few times while driving my truck. "They" do it then because you are vulnerable and your attention is divided. You're tempted to appease them just to create a safer driving environment. I literally had to pull over to the side of the road several times and say: "You can calm down or get out, no third option." The first time, she did get out. She hiked half a mile in Texas heat in a city where she knew zero people. I kept an eye on her to make sure there was no trouble. Then I caught up to her and she got back in. But… I had to repeat the options to her several more times while driving in other situations. But… translate that behavior to a hotel room on vacation… you can't pull over.
Itza Sekret says
Should be > instantly switches from “deprived/unappreciated/hysterical wife” to “mocking/demeaning/condescending wife” when J says he has other responsibilities that day. And then she instantly <
Oh yes… they sure do know how to play it up. My ex (read above and that is just the tip of the iceberg) has all of her friends believing her side hook, line and sinker. These are the same people I confided in when everything was going down and they all reminded me that my ex is not the most stable person. So which is it? Is she stable and believable or is she unstable and what she’s doing is par for the course? So many of her family members all told me “I’m amazed you lasted that long”. Like with the woman as the subject of this post, people know who they really are, will admit it when you’re one-on-one, but when the s–t hits the fan they crawl back to defend the person and enable the person doing the crazy at the expense of the person getting slammed by the behavior. My ex was having suicidal thoughts, came at me twice physically, was buying pain-killers off the street, gave her 17yo son Adderal. I was trying to save my relationship (it’s that love/dedication/in sickness and health thing), my living situation and quite possibly her life. All Hell has broken loose because she feels like I told on her and was trying to ruin her good name (the victim)and these people rush to her aid and now hate me, yet when I asked them to help me for an intervention… they all looked away and said they didn’t want to get involved… just… wow…! They all enable her, completely recognized and agree that she is not stable, do nothing when I reach out for their help… and then blame me…
i’m the bad guy… go figure…
Same thing happened to me. It’s amazing how these creatures are similar. It’s amazing how persuasive they can be when they lie, blame, make up stories, they’re very persistent and determined to convince everyone of their ‘victimhood’, and so many people believe them. You just can’t figure out whether it’s about their lack of integrity or borderline’s good skills. It’s probably bot. It can be also because people just can’t imagine that someone can be that sick and evil, they know she’s unstable cause they’ve seen some quirks but unless they felt on their own skin what it’s like they just don’t get it…
Even though I lived in that environment, I don’t live in that world. I don’t live in a world where you can tell someone you love “I bet you wish I would die of cancer” and then deny saying that. I don’t live in a world where I can tell someone “get the fuck out of here, go stay in a hotel, and while you’re gone i’m going to throw your cat outside.” So many WTF moments, and then they tell you it never happened, or that they don’t remember saying or doing something, or they’ll hide behind their “intentions” to get a free pass for what actually happened. Kinda like cosmic-white-out… oops that got me in trouble so i’ll erase and fill in the proper response/action and it’ll all be ok. Never mind that people can clearly see the white-out to prove that the first thing has been changed. But she’ll look at it and say “what white-out?”. I confide in someone and she simply denies the whole thing and makes up a story to defend her actions and/or place the blame on me all to save face and her “good reputation”.
I lived in that environment… I don’t live in that world…
Itza Sekret says
I like the “cosmic whiteout – eraser” analogy… very accurate. And hiding behind “intentions” to get a free pass on bad behavior. Also very accurate. My ex would rage on for 3-4 hours, and when I called her on it next day… would act like nothing happened.
It’s amazing how they’ll go running for the detachable halo. Their memory is worse than Oliver North’s (yes i’m that old) “I don’t remember” and their ability to “spin” something would rival Bill Clinton’s “I did not have sex with that woman”. Jesus, you got ’em dead-bang and all you want is some accountability and some measure of contrition. A simple “gosh Freedom I was in a bad place yesterday, I was really stressed out and I’m sorry I treated you that way. You didn’t deserve it.” Throwing all of my clothes into the living room then saying the next day “I didn’t throw you out, I made your clothes more accessible to you”… and when you call ’em on it, they’ll say it never happened or find some way to justify what they did. “Well… I was upset, you can’t expect me to be perfect.” Again… WTF???
“gosh Freedom I was in a bad place yesterday, I was really stressed out and I’m sorry I treated you that way. You didn’t deserve it.”
If she said that she would be lying. She wasn’t in a bad place, she wasn’t really stresssed out, she’s not sorry and she sincerly believes that you deserved it, probably because you don’t want to be her babysitter or punching bag.
She said that because she knows she can get away with it, she’s irresponsible 4yr old brat, she thinks it’s much easier to lie than to face consequences.
The 4yo brat analogy hits right on the target. I told my ex many times “you know, you hardly ever have to want for anything. You get your way 95% of the time, which is one out of 20. I do what you want, try to be who you want, buy you what you want, go where you want. So when that 20th time comes around, please take into consideration the 19 times before that and how you got your way and let me have to 20th.” But no… they gotta have that 20th. They’ll set the rules and break them without blinking an eye. You try to set some limits and they’ll steamroll you, or throw a tantrum so you just give in, trying to avoid yet another fight with someone who holds all the facts, no matter how inaccurate they are. You stand up to them and now you’re being the awful jerk. You try to treat them how they treat you and now you’re the one being abusive. It’s absolutely mind-boggling. They’re absolute bullies and when you finally get back up and fight back, then they go running to those who enable them and play the victim. But the WORST thing you can do to them is let people know what she’s doing to you. No matter what happens, you are bound to their secrets. Ya see… it’s about being thought of as stable and non-abusive, rather than actually being stable and non-abusive. Again… it’s that detachable halo and “how dare you blame me for the things that I do!!!”
Freedom…be thankful that you are out! The friends will figure out that the ex is unstable…it just may take time (years even). Besides, if they were her friends…maybe you don’t want to continue being friends…you may run into her again!
It’s a pretty good trade off…if you ask me.
When exactly she says she’s “Ank Shuss”? I don’t speak English very well, I didn’t hear it.
Itza Sekret says
First “Ank Shuss” is about 1:00 min on tape. Also- I notice how nonchalant W’s emotional abuse is. She casually sips her drinkie while convulsing hysterically, casually flips her hair while screaming to drown out whatever J says, casually starts txting her enablers while sippin her drinkie and screamin. Not the hallmarks of genuine upset…. just high volume manipulation.
Thanks, I caught it. I agree, this is obviously emotional blackmail, not temper tantrum. She’s like a singer on a concert, she drinks so that she could keep singing.
I have an idea, maybe we should invent “Cluster B offender list” or “Borderline abuser registration” just like there is “Sex offender registration”…
I understand the controversy of tape recording your spouse and then making it public. It is hard not to look like a vindictive jerk. Also, there are privacy laws one must consider. Outweighing both of these factors is the need for public awareness. While at some level this guy’s video is humorous and entertaining, at the same time I hope folks will try to imagine what it is like to live with someone like this day in and day out. Factor kids into the equation and the situation is downright depressing.
I posted my own wife’s tantrums in the following video:
I did my best to keep it anonymous, digitally altering the voices and cutting out certain details. I have not shared the video with my kids, or my ex-wife, or anyone associated with her. I suppose one day she could possibly come across it and recognize her own abusive behavior. I’m not sure what I will do if that day comes. I think it is vitally important to raise public awareness of this kind of personality disordered behavior, and awareness of the associated phenomenon, Parental Alienation.
Itza Sekret says
Wow Dave32165, I could only watch about a minute of your vid. I started getting flashbacks, or something. It’s a really sobering reminder of why we’re better away from these kind of abusive personalities. Good Luck.
Funky Monk says
Dave, your video is truly heart-breaking, but please realize that you are far better off now than before: even if you see your kids only a little, at least it is without their mother being present, so that time is vastly more enjoyable.
Good for you, Dave.
Again, as I’ve commented before…it’s really sad that men have to go to this extreme of collecting evidence before society will believe them.
Men have to worry about privacy issues, the law, divorce court, etc….and women can just make a simple statement to anyone…and the man is guilty.
Where is the equality? Still waiting….
I do not think it was a good idea to post the video.
My BPD/Narsisstic spouse was relentless and vicious and abusive. She harassed berated and denigrated me for more than a year. I recorded her, with her approval and in order to protect myself. I have ended up with hours of harassment recorded.
That said…. as the BPD who is high functioning is so expertly able to do… she turned the issue against me. After months and months of harassment she had me on a hair trigger and knew exactly what would set me off.
As anyone who has been through this will know… you can get driven to the breaking point. I ended up having a raging fit like a 3 year old while she seemed to just sit there and talk calmly, all recorded by her. That went off to her family and friends who all felt so sorry for her!
The moral… the capable and manipulative crazy spouse can and does get you to behave just as crazy at times. That in some respects is their goal.
I really think it is a bad idea to draw any conclusion about someone from one 3 minute video. In my case it would definitely lead to the wrong conclusion.
It is a common phenomenon (and the good counselors know this) that the non-BPD can end up doing many of the same crazy things when they are engaged with the BPD. The difference is that later the non realizes, regrets and admits it.
Dr Tara Palmatier says
Welcome to S4M. I agree with not making assumptions based on a 3-minute video. Turns out the tantrum was just the tip of the iceberg. Paul Elam and I interviewed James Mongiat on blogtalkradio. There’s a history of physical and emotional abuse that includes property damage. Here’s a link to the podcast if you’re interested:
Dr T, maybe you shoud write an article on how to safely make convincing record of your abuser and post it on Youtube…
Wolfman…I can see your point. But the really “disturbing” part of this whole story or at least the question should be asked:
How would the public have reacted if she would have recorded him (and displayed it on YouTube)?
This is really the heart of the matter. People have been so “programmed” over many years (by media, society, etc..) to help rescue the poor woman. She must be in danger, right? He’s a bad man.
I say put blame where it belongs. It was really a good move by James to be proactive and record an outburst. Like the article (Dr. T) stated “it was a matter of when it would happen again…not if”.
Obviously, James has been frustrated with his wife and he needed to gather evidence (because society would just laugh him off if he told anyone). That’s really the sad part here.
Good for James.
I applaud James for being courageous for posting this video because it helps we abused men to not only share our stories but to see that we have all lived similar stories. I really wish I had a video recorder that was small enough even 5 years ago to record what James recorded and to post it along with the Personal Protection Order I was finally brave enough to file against Crazy when I filed for divorce. My divorce was finalized last year in June after 1 1/2 years from filing and Crazy is always finding the energy and the finances from her rich parents to fight out the remaining details of the final court order.
These women that us nice guys got baited to marry have disorders that are not treatable, and because they are women they know how to take advantage of us and the legal system that is tilted in their favor because these same Crazies also know how to bully lawmakers (why is it called Violence Against Women Act, and not Violence Against Partners Act??). I am better alone than having remained married to Crazy and this video helped to remind me of what I was finally able to leave behind at great economic cost. I live a better life today and thanks for James to not only remind us, but to increase the volume on a discussion that has been very heavily sympathetic to Crazies.
NEWLYWED ADMITS PUSHING HUSBAND OFF CLIFF:
…..A Montana newlywed may be facing life in prison after being charged this week for her husband’s murder after authorities say she admitted pushing him off a cliff at a national park just over a week after their wedding…
Disturbing as some may find it, this is a very good video in that it illustrates personality disordered behavior of a woman. Wow, I can say that and feel good about it!
In this video, Whitney Mongiat displays a temper tantrum which displays the traits and attributes of the tantrums my ex-wife would regularly pitch during our 18 year marriage. After two years of seeing a therapist myself as well as paying for sessions with Dr. Tara, I filed for divorce and was divorced in May 2010.
During and after my divorce I lost relationships with family and friends, many of who would not believe that my ex-wife had “issues she refused to deal with,” as I called it. It is now after three years being divorced and five years of therapy for myself that I have emerged much stronger as a man.
I really applaud James Mongiat for the courage to film and post this video. James, I wish you the best on a potentially difficult road ahead. I appreciate and applaud Dr. Tara for her efforts to expose this antisocial behavior in women and men on this website and in her work.
To those of you men or women “in the darkness of the tunnel” with a spouse who acts like this on a regular basis, I hope you have the courage to talk about this video, seek professional help, and show this video to family and friends. I can only speak from my own experience, but in reaching and asking for help for yourself, in time there will be bright light at the end of the tunnel, you will be in a much better place in your life. I hope this video and the work of Dr. Tara has as positive effect on you as it has me – it took me nearly five years.
Good Luck to you all!
Holland, Michigan USA
Wow… just wow.
I work in childcare and my response to a child acting even close to that badly that would be, “OK, come and talk to me when you’re done screaming. I’ll be around.”
Side note… I have NEVER seen a child act that badly. I chiefly deal with elementary kids who know better.