Shrink4Men

Helping men in abusive relationships since 2009

Music Monday (on Tuesday): You’re Breaking My Heart -Working Out the Anger at the End of a Bad Relationship

It’s Music Monday on Shrink4Men, albeit, it’s Tuesday (busy, busy day yesterday!)

You’re Breaking My Heart is by Harry Nilsson, another amazing singer-songwriter, from the Son of Schmilsson album. According to the documentary, Who is Harry Nilsson and Why is Everybody Talkin’ About Him? (available for streaming on Netflix), Nilsson wrote this song when he was divorcing his first wife. It’s also the song Nilsson’s friends, including former Beatle, George Harrison, sang at Nilsson’s funeral after the services were over in fond remembrance of him.

The song represents what I would personally call the “anger part” of the healing process in a very “up-tempo” way.

Nilsson seems to be describing how his ex took advantage of him during their relationship, but that part of him still loves her. This is not uncommon for men who have been in abusive relationships. Intellectually, they know how their exes/wives/girlfriends treat them is wrong and, in many cases, outright abusive. However, some of these men still love the women they pretended to be at the beginning of the relationships.

Nilsson uses the “F” word throughout the song, so turn it down if you’re at work and happy Monday (on Tuesday).

[youtube eqhoKLl21mc]

You’re breakin’ my heart
You’re tearin’ it apart
So fuck you

All I want to do
Is have a good time
Now I’m blue

You wanna boogaloo
Run down to Tramps (famous 1970s nightclub)
Have a dance or two–ooh!

You’re breaking my heart
You’re tearin’ it apart
But fuck you

You’re breakin’ my heart
You’re tearin’ it apart
Ooh!–ooh!–

You stepped on my ass
You’re breaking my glasses, too
You wanna drive my car
Buy a lot of stuff
I’ve had enough
Of you–ooh!

I’m goin’ insane
There’s no one to blame
So fuck you

You’ve gotta have your way
There’s nothin’ left to say
There’s nothin’ left to do–ooh!

You’re breakin’ my heart
You’re tearin’ it apart
So fuck you

You’ve gotta have your way
There’s nothin’ left to say
There’s nothin’ left to do–ooh!

You’re breakin’ my heart
You’re tearin’ it apart
But I love you
(Do-do-doots)

Shrink4Men Coaching and Consulting Services:

Dr Tara J. Palmatier provides confidential, fee-for-service, consultation/coaching services to help both men and women work through their relationship issues via telephone and/or Skype chat. Her practice combines practical advice, support, reality testing and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Shrink4Men Services page for professional inquiries.

Comments

  3. On a more serious note, Dr. T, what do you suggest for those of us who are trying to work through the anger? And what do we do when that anger turns into a state of depression and feelings of helplessness (which is what I’m finding myself in)?

  4. This song is supposed to be about something else but I got a lot of mileage out of it in this context.

    Positively 4th Street – Bob Dylan

    “You got a lotta nerve
    To say you are my friend
    When I was down
    You just stood there grinning

    You got a lotta nerve
    To say you got a helping hand to lend
    You just want to be on
    The side that’s winning

    You say I let you down
    You know it’s not like that
    If you’re so hurt
    Why then don’t you show it

    You say you lost your faith
    But that’s not where it’s at
    You had no faith to lose
    And you know it

    I know the reason
    That you talk behind my back
    I used to be among the crowd
    You’re in with

    Do you take me for such a fool
    To think I’d make contact
    With the one who tries to hide
    What he don’t know to begin with

    You see me on the street
    You always act surprised
    You say, “How are you?” “Good luck”
    But you don’t mean it

    When you know as well as me
    You’d rather see me paralyzed
    Why don’t you just come out once
    And scream it

    No, I do not feel that good
    When I see the heartbreaks you embrace
    If I was a master thief
    Perhaps I’d rob them

    And now I know you’re dissatisfied
    With your position and your place
    Don’t you understand
    It’s not my problem

    I wish that for just one time
    You could stand inside my shoes
    And just for that one moment
    I could be you

    Yes, I wish that for just one time
    You could stand inside my shoes
    You’d know what a drag it is
    To see you”

  5. Reading through these song lyrics reminds me of one by Linkin Park that makes me think of my ex and the bad ole days. I really related to this tune.

    “In The End”

    (It starts with one)
    One thing I don’t know why
    It doesn’t even matter how hard you try
    Keep that in mind, I designed this rhyme
    To explain in due time
    All I know
    time is a valuable thing
    Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings
    Watch it count down to the end of the day
    The clock ticks life away
    It’s so unreal
    Didn’t look out below
    Watch the time go right out the window
    Trying to hold on but didn’t even know
    Wasted it all just to
    Watch you go

    I kept everything inside and even though I tried, it all fell apart
    What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when I tried so hard
    And got so far
    But in the end
    It doesn’t even matter

    I had to fall
    To lose it all
    But in the end
    It doesn’t even matter

    One thing, I don’t know why
    It doesn’t even matter how hard you try
    Keep that in mind, I designed this rhyme
    To remind myself how
    I tried so hard
    In spite of the way you were mocking me
    Acting like I was part of your property
    Remembering all the times you fought with me
    I’m surprised it got so (far)
    Things aren’t the way they were before
    You wouldn’t even recognize me anymore
    Not that you knew me back then
    But it all comes back to me
    In the end

    You kept everything inside and even though I tried, it all fell apart
    What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when I tried so hard
    And got so far
    But in the end
    It doesn’t even matter

    I had to fall
    To lose it all
    But in the end
    It doesn’t even matter

    I’ve put my trust in you
    Pushed as far as I can go
    For all this
    There’s only one thing you should know
    I’ve put my trust in you
    Pushed as far as I can go
    For all this
    There’s only one thing you should know
    I tried so hard
    And got so far
    But in the end
    It doesn’t even matter
    I had to fall
    To lose it all
    But in the end
    It doesn’t even matter

  6. Be careful here. As the documentary makes clear Harry Nilsson was an ass, who more or less got his life in shape only toward the end. His lyrics are completely hypocritical since he didn’t love his first wive and by all accounts treated her like shit. My take was that she wanted a husband, not an out-of-control maniac and he resented that. Around the same time, he alienated a whole lot of friends and colleagues.

    (Again, it does appear that Harry was never an easy man to be around, but did redeem himself somewhat with his last wife and children, and did reconcile with his first son.)

    • Hi Jason,

      Yes, he did have some serious issues, including serious alcoholism. If memory serves, his mother was an alcoholic as well who told him his father died in WW2. Then when Harry was an adult, his father resurfaced — alive. He’s still an amazing artist. His last marriage appears to have been truly lovely, it’s too bad he destroyed himself with drink.

  7. Here’s a video and lyrics I wanted to add.

    It’s called She Cries by Jason Robert Brown

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZWyQtnfxnKs

    There’s a couple of things I’ve learned
    On the many roads I’ve taken
    Flames are not what get you burned
    It’s the cold and the ice
    Here’s a piece of advice
    I got from a little bird
    The flames can get you
    Stirred
    It’s the cold that leaves you shaken

    I don’t like to philosophize
    I just want to tell a story
    Always leave when a woman cries
    Never look in a woman’s eyes
    You’ll get stuck with a high and rising fever
    And then you can’t leave her
    Please, don’t wait man
    It’s almost too late man

    She cries and you want to hold her
    She lies and you want to run away
    But just give her a minute
    I promise you’re in it to stay

    She smiles and you’ll stay forever
    She screams
    Well, that’s the price you pay
    But there’s no one can make you
    Forget how you feel
    For all she can take
    You’ve got more there to steal
    So you don’t mind a bit of surprise
    And she cries

    I don’t like to admit I’m wrong
    I believe in guts and glory
    But it’s time I should change my song
    I’ve been here just a bit too long
    Always thought I was much too strong for hating
    And still I keep waiting…

    And while I’m resolving
    That door keeps revolving
    She cries and you want to hold her
    She lies and you’re half way out the door
    But you never can do it
    She’ll make you go through it once more

    She smiles and you’ll stay forever
    She sings
    Oh, she’s got you now for sure
    And each time that you swear
    That you will not give in
    She’ll throw you a stare
    That’ll show you can’t win
    It’s amazing how hard each man tries
    But she cries

    All of a sudden
    You fall for her charms
    You promise you’ll stop all her tears
    All of sudden
    She’s back in your arms
    And the walls start closing
    And blocking out the light
    And changing all your dreams
    And right before your eyes

    She cries
    And I don’t know the answer
    She spies
    And there’s no place I can hide
    When I look in the mirror,
    There’s nothing but fear here inside
    I run
    And still she is right behind me
    I fall
    The chasm is too wide

    So I’m stuck in this world of her magic mystique
    Where I’ll never be more than her toy of the week
    But each time I prepare my goodbyes
    Well, she catches me looking
    And she opens the floodgates

    And she cries