It’s Music Monday on Shrink4Men, albeit, it’s Tuesday (busy, busy day yesterday!)
You’re Breaking My Heart is by Harry Nilsson, another amazing singer-songwriter, from the Son of Schmilsson album. According to the documentary, Who is Harry Nilsson and Why is Everybody Talkin’ About Him? (available for streaming on Netflix), Nilsson wrote this song when he was divorcing his first wife. It’s also the song Nilsson’s friends, including former Beatle, George Harrison, sang at Nilsson’s funeral after the services were over in fond remembrance of him.
The song represents what I would personally call the “anger part” of the healing process in a very “up-tempo” way.
Nilsson seems to be describing how his ex took advantage of him during their relationship, but that part of him still loves her. This is not uncommon for men who have been in abusive relationships. Intellectually, they know how their exes/wives/girlfriends treat them is wrong and, in many cases, outright abusive. However, some of these men still love the women they pretended to be at the beginning of the relationships.
Nilsson uses the “F” word throughout the song, so turn it down if you’re at work and happy Monday (on Tuesday).
embedded by Embedded Video
YouTube Direkt
You’re breakin’ my heart
You’re tearin’ it apart
So fuck you
All I want to do
Is have a good time
Now I’m blue
You wanna boogaloo
Run down to Tramps (famous 1970s nightclub)
Have a dance or two–ooh!
You’re breaking my heart
You’re tearin’ it apart
But fuck you
You’re breakin’ my heart
You’re tearin’ it apart
Ooh!–ooh!–
You stepped on my ass
You’re breaking my glasses, too
You wanna drive my car
Buy a lot of stuff
I’ve had enough
Of you–ooh!
I’m goin’ insane
There’s no one to blame
So fuck you
You’ve gotta have your way
There’s nothin’ left to say
There’s nothin’ left to do–ooh!
You’re breakin’ my heart
You’re tearin’ it apart
So fuck you
You’ve gotta have your way
There’s nothin’ left to say
There’s nothin’ left to do–ooh!
You’re breakin’ my heart
You’re tearin’ it apart
But I love you
(Do-do-doots)
Shrink4Men Coaching and Consulting Services:
Dr Tara J. Palmatier provides confidential, fee-for-service, consultation/coaching services to help both men and women work through their relationship issues via telephone and/or Skype chat. Her practice combines practical advice, support, reality testing and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Shrink4Men Services page for professional inquiries.
I recommend it with Drambuie on the rocks.
I wonder why he felt the need to soft-pedal it. 😉
On a more serious note, Dr. T, what do you suggest for those of us who are trying to work through the anger? And what do we do when that anger turns into a state of depression and feelings of helplessness (which is what I’m finding myself in)?
I would second that inquiry. I have also been – despite quite a lot of work on myself through therapy and other healing modalities – been often overwhelmed with anger (as well as grief, sorrow, guilt) for the last year since ending with my former (abusive) fiancé. Rationally, intellectually…it doesn’t make sense. The perspective I’ve gained has been invaluable, but why is it so difficult to reconcile that logical awareness/understanding with the (perhaps more primal) emotional response?…You feel like you (speaking for myself) make a healthy decision for yourself but continue to suffer profoundly. I don’t want to get caught up in a “victim” mentality, but honestly, I’ve never felt so debilitated by an event in my life…which should have been a change for the better…
Hi SIneNomie,
If you haven’t listened to this yet, Tom Golden and I discuss this topic in this broadcast:
http://www.shrink4men.com/2012/01/16/shrink4men-radio-embed-grieving-the-loss-of-an-abusive-partner-with-author-tom-golden/
Thanks, Dr. T, I’ll check it out.
It appears that the file is no longer available. I can’t get it to play from either the embed or the main site. Bummer.
Hi SN,
Check out this link: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/avoiceformen/2012/01/17/dr-t-grieving-an-abusive-partner-with-author-tom-golden
It plays on my computer. What browser are you using? Does it have a new version you need to update?
OK, it’s working now. Thanks.
This song is supposed to be about something else but I got a lot of mileage out of it in this context.
Positively 4th Street – Bob Dylan
“You got a lotta nerve
To say you are my friend
When I was down
You just stood there grinning
You got a lotta nerve
To say you got a helping hand to lend
You just want to be on
The side that’s winning
You say I let you down
You know it’s not like that
If you’re so hurt
Why then don’t you show it
You say you lost your faith
But that’s not where it’s at
You had no faith to lose
And you know it
I know the reason
That you talk behind my back
I used to be among the crowd
You’re in with
Do you take me for such a fool
To think I’d make contact
With the one who tries to hide
What he don’t know to begin with
You see me on the street
You always act surprised
You say, “How are you?” “Good luck”
But you don’t mean it
When you know as well as me
You’d rather see me paralyzed
Why don’t you just come out once
And scream it
No, I do not feel that good
When I see the heartbreaks you embrace
If I was a master thief
Perhaps I’d rob them
And now I know you’re dissatisfied
With your position and your place
Don’t you understand
It’s not my problem
I wish that for just one time
You could stand inside my shoes
And just for that one moment
I could be you
Yes, I wish that for just one time
You could stand inside my shoes
You’d know what a drag it is
To see you”
Reading through these song lyrics reminds me of one by Linkin Park that makes me think of my ex and the bad ole days. I really related to this tune.
“In The End”
(It starts with one)
One thing I don’t know why
It doesn’t even matter how hard you try
Keep that in mind, I designed this rhyme
To explain in due time
All I know
time is a valuable thing
Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings
Watch it count down to the end of the day
The clock ticks life away
It’s so unreal
Didn’t look out below
Watch the time go right out the window
Trying to hold on but didn’t even know
Wasted it all just to
Watch you go
I kept everything inside and even though I tried, it all fell apart
What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter
One thing, I don’t know why
It doesn’t even matter how hard you try
Keep that in mind, I designed this rhyme
To remind myself how
I tried so hard
In spite of the way you were mocking me
Acting like I was part of your property
Remembering all the times you fought with me
I’m surprised it got so (far)
Things aren’t the way they were before
You wouldn’t even recognize me anymore
Not that you knew me back then
But it all comes back to me
In the end
You kept everything inside and even though I tried, it all fell apart
What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter
I’ve put my trust in you
Pushed as far as I can go
For all this
There’s only one thing you should know
I’ve put my trust in you
Pushed as far as I can go
For all this
There’s only one thing you should know
I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter
Be careful here. As the documentary makes clear Harry Nilsson was an ass, who more or less got his life in shape only toward the end. His lyrics are completely hypocritical since he didn’t love his first wive and by all accounts treated her like shit. My take was that she wanted a husband, not an out-of-control maniac and he resented that. Around the same time, he alienated a whole lot of friends and colleagues.
(Again, it does appear that Harry was never an easy man to be around, but did redeem himself somewhat with his last wife and children, and did reconcile with his first son.)
Hi Jason,
Yes, he did have some serious issues, including serious alcoholism. If memory serves, his mother was an alcoholic as well who told him his father died in WW2. Then when Harry was an adult, his father resurfaced — alive. He’s still an amazing artist. His last marriage appears to have been truly lovely, it’s too bad he destroyed himself with drink.
Here’s a video and lyrics I wanted to add.
It’s called She Cries by Jason Robert Brown
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZWyQtnfxnKs
There’s a couple of things I’ve learned
On the many roads I’ve taken
Flames are not what get you burned
It’s the cold and the ice
Here’s a piece of advice
I got from a little bird
The flames can get you
Stirred
It’s the cold that leaves you shaken
I don’t like to philosophize
I just want to tell a story
Always leave when a woman cries
Never look in a woman’s eyes
You’ll get stuck with a high and rising fever
And then you can’t leave her
Please, don’t wait man
It’s almost too late man
She cries and you want to hold her
She lies and you want to run away
But just give her a minute
I promise you’re in it to stay
She smiles and you’ll stay forever
She screams
Well, that’s the price you pay
But there’s no one can make you
Forget how you feel
For all she can take
You’ve got more there to steal
So you don’t mind a bit of surprise
And she cries
I don’t like to admit I’m wrong
I believe in guts and glory
But it’s time I should change my song
I’ve been here just a bit too long
Always thought I was much too strong for hating
And still I keep waiting…
And while I’m resolving
That door keeps revolving
She cries and you want to hold her
She lies and you’re half way out the door
But you never can do it
She’ll make you go through it once more
She smiles and you’ll stay forever
She sings
Oh, she’s got you now for sure
And each time that you swear
That you will not give in
She’ll throw you a stare
That’ll show you can’t win
It’s amazing how hard each man tries
But she cries
All of a sudden
You fall for her charms
You promise you’ll stop all her tears
All of sudden
She’s back in your arms
And the walls start closing
And blocking out the light
And changing all your dreams
And right before your eyes
She cries
And I don’t know the answer
She spies
And there’s no place I can hide
When I look in the mirror,
There’s nothing but fear here inside
I run
And still she is right behind me
I fall
The chasm is too wide
So I’m stuck in this world of her magic mystique
Where I’ll never be more than her toy of the week
But each time I prepare my goodbyes
Well, she catches me looking
And she opens the floodgates
And she cries
Rock music these days is full of songs about abusive women. Just a few:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eRlOhZgk6Zk
Seabound–“Poisonous Friend”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N7IwEYTAB84
Dope–“Bi**h”
http://www.beeper.tv/video/020082,escape-the-fate-you-re-insane
Escape the Fate–“You’re Insane”