This article is written by Mark, an Illinois state police officer. Mark has been a long time supporter of Shrink4Men. He called the BlogTalkRadio program, Female Stalkers and Their Male and Female Victims a few weeks ago and one of the audience members in the chat room challenged Mark about the anti-male bias of law enforcement in terms of female perpetrated domestic violence and mandatory arrest laws.
Consequently, Mark offered to write a series of articles to help men who are the victims of female perpetrated domestic violence, false allegations of abuse and rape, and harassment and stalking. – Dr T
Domestic Violence Statistics, Law Enforcement Statistics and the Truth
An important thing to remember about domestic violence (DV) statistics is that they are collected by Domestic Violence advocates and shelters. Therefore, domestic violence statistics are suspect. Actual field results are not included in DV statistics.
When DV organizations use arrest statistics, they are often misleading. Uniform Crime Reporting (UCR), the classification system, is clumsy and does not work well for analyzing DV cases. It gives a very broad picture in very big brush strokes.
The code used by law enforcement for “domestic trouble” is 6104. Just because a call is coded 6104, does not necessarily mean a crime has occurred. 6104 is a catch all for any type of family disturbance. We code many calls 6104. For example, fighting and arguing is not a crime. Beating, punching, kicking, etc., someone is and is coded as a Part 1 offense.
Part 1 offenses, specifically the reporting thereof, are skewed. Municipalities often fiddle the codes to make the crime statistics for their town look better. Ongoing issue and rank and file think it is dishonest. I code the offenses in my report and the higher it goes the more fiddling takes place. A battery becomes a disorderly conduct. Aggravated battery becomes a battery. Usually changing the higher rank offense to a lesser included offense.
I mention the fudging of the 6104 code crime reporting for transparency’s sake and to point out that DV and other crime statistics are messed up. This is an open secret. Does this shock you, dear reader?
If so, get over it and do something about it. Go to your local town board meetings and get involved. If any scholarly inclined individuals reading are interested, Municipal Government and Management by Crisis would make a great paper or investigative report.
Law Enforcement Training and Domestic Violence
I’ll try to be as polite as possible in describing some of the mustache lady, busybody, activist, man hating (further expletives deleted) women and their tame pets who conduct DV and sexual assault training. The first thing you should know about the DV training law enforcement are forced to undergo is that no one likes it. Is it because male law enforcement are a bunch of misogynists? No. It’s because much of it flies in the face of common sense.
I can best describe the arrest and investigation procedure with information about recruit academy and ongoing training. It all goes together. Please keep in mind that the following information applies only to the State of Illinois, exclusive of Cook County/Chicago and north of I-80. State law gets interpreted differently the closer you are to major urban centers or the state capitol. Not my idea, it is just how it works or doesn’t work, as the case may be.
The minimum age to be a police officer in most states is 21. In some states (e.g., Michigan and Florida) it is 18. It is ridiculous. This means mommy has to buy bullets for the 18-year old cop. He can’t legally drink alcohol, yet is out arresting people for DUI. Say it with me . . . That’s fucked up. Yes, it is.
The age restriction may have changed in some states, but I don’t think so. It’s the same deal with Military Police. 18 years of age is too damn young to be a cop. 24-25-years old is a better age to start the job. 30 is ideal. Discrimination laws and affirmative action have messed things up, so it’s difficult to avoid making young hires. An 18- or 21-year old kid can take the test and if he or she places on the list, they get hired.
The basic training academy in Illinois is 400 hours. That’s three months. State Police and Conservation Police require six months training.
Let me put this in perspective. Hairdressers get 1600 hours of training. Do you see the problem here?
Hair cut school is four times longer than the basic police training academy in Illinois. Field Training Officer (FTO) is another three months if the law enforcement agency is large enough to have the luxury of an FTO program. Ongoing training is very good to nonexistent depending on where you are located. Illinois mandates 80 hours a year of training (like continuing education credits), but does not enforce it well. California and Arizona are “P.O.S.T.” states and do a much better job of mandating training. Ohio does a pretty good job as well.
A good FTO is critical in training new officers. A good FTO can take potential raw material and make a good cop better and guide them. A bad FTO can make learning this job utter misery and sow the seeds for some very bad police habits.
When I work with a new recruit, I have 3 months to undo the damage of the academy (i.e., the man hating crap and a few similar issues) and undo 20 or more years of certain types of social programming. There is never enough time to be sure that I corrected the problematic beliefs and behaviors. The recruits either sink or swim.
A good friend of mine, who is a USMC helicopter pilot (a Colonel with two tours in Iraq), and I were discussing the similarities between having a wet behind the ears 20-year old pilot on a solo mission in a multimillion dollar aircraft with guns, a full load out of ammo and war shots on the rails (i.e., live missiles, bombs and other goodies) and turning a 20-year old, no life experience, college educated, armed, overly testosteroned, larval stage, policeman loose on the public. Let me break that down and simplify it.
Helicopter. Guns. Ammo. War. Full crew. Young, dumb, highly trained and motivated. Gonna save the world.
Police car. Guns. Ammo. Badge. Crime. Young, dumb, highly trained and motivated. Gonna save the world.
It is scary when you look at it that way. The Marines can channel this better and have non-commissioned officers (NCO) to spank the kids. Police Departments have older officers that spank the kids. Both NCOs and older, experienced cops are in short supply and never seem to be around when you need one.
Police Safety and Domestic Trouble Calls
Safety. Specifically, “Officer Safety.” Statistics show that cops are more likely to be injured or killed in certain situations. Please read this FBI link on police injuries and fatalities. I share this with you to help you understand some of the dynamics at play and why things happen the way they do when you encounter the police on a domestic call.
I am entirely likely to get killed or injured on a domestic call. I have been injured on these calls and probably, almost certainly, will be again. Hurling insults, flipping an attitude and assaulting the officers who respond to your domestic call does not improve your chances of getting a break and tends to piss off the nice policeman. Nothing personal, but I want to go home at the end of my shift.
That should do for enough background to set the stage for how to deal with cops, especially when they show up at our house for a domestic.
Cop Talk: What Not to Do If your Abusive, High-Conflict Wife Calls the Police on You, Part Two
Thank you again, Mark, for taking the time to write this and explaining domestic dispute calls from a law enforcement perspective. Thank you also for fighting the good fight. The reality is that many men have been re-victimized by law enforcement officers after being victimized by their female partners.
Counseling with Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD
Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD helps individuals work through their relationship and codependency issues via telephone or Skype. She specializes in helping men and women trying to break free of an abusive relationship, cope with the stress of an abusive relationship or heal from an abusive relationship. Coaching individuals through high-conflict divorce and custody cases is also an area of expertise. She combines practical advice, emotional support and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Schedule a Session page for more information.
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Paul Elam says
Excellent overview from an informed and credible source. Kudos to you, sir, and most importantly THANK YOU for the courage you display by deprogramming recruits who are indoctrinated by prejudicial training.
We need more police officers like you, desperately.
Dr Tara Palmatier says
I agree. Thanks, Mark!
Outstanding post Mark! I laughed out loud at the “mustache lady, busybody, activist, man-hating” women! I pursued my MSW with a bunch of Birkenstock wearing, non leg shaving, man-hating women so I feel your pain. I’m curious how these “instructors” handle any comments or questions that challenge their ideology. Thank you so much for this info! Looking forward the next installment!
Dr Tara Palmatier says
I think I went to school with some of the same “Birkies,” Beesley.
I’m also curious about how DV training instructors handled criticisms or challenges to their inaccurate statistics and mandates that fly in the face of common sense. Does anyone speak up or are you expected to sit there and keep your mouths shut?
Thank you both. I think parts 2 & 3 will be better. Dr. T. suggested another article and I started research on that last night. Going to be more work but worth it in the end.
Dr Tara Palmatier says
Thanks again, Mark.
Looking forward to your articles, Mark. I don’t live in the US, but what you describe in your well-written piece strikes me as a pretty universally widespread situation.
BTW, I wear Birkies from time to time, but I’m the sort of feminist that believes in a fair go for both sexes.
B Experienced says
Luckily when I called the police on my female next door neighbor who was peeking and staring in my windows for hours on end from her yard, I had a policeman show up who was willing to not only learn about the Cluster B’s, but pass it on to some of his friends on the force. He was grateful. I told him that most of your calls are going to involve at least a trait of the B’s; especially the repeat customers. I had to laugh when he said that the women like her drive them nuts. I told him not to feel bad because they drive “everyone” nuts including the shrinks. That is why they release them from the hospital ASAP; which is when they calm them down or bring them around from psychotic symptoms. Then it all starts up again. Round and round we all go, where it stops nobody knows.
After I spoke to him, she picked a fight with the guy she was living with next door. Mind you it was his house and she had two others on the go for just in case purposes to live off of. I called the cops because it was loud, out of control and because she carried a knife. Two cops showed up who were very good looking and obviously worked out so she tried to seduce them over and over again by saying, “You want me don’t you”. After about 20 minutes of that she took a swing at one of them because they rejected her and that was it. She was in cuffs and being dragged through my yard shaking and yelling like Tina Turner on stage. She yelled out some french words at me while yelling my name and then spit on my grass. The one cop didn’t like it so he threw her up against the car and her pants fell down. We were all cheering in our house. The worst part was that she had a G string on and her belly flab overlapped it and her cottage cheese bum stuck out. In her mind she looked hot so it didn’t phase her in the least.
She stopped stalking me after that, so I have to say that the police handled her well and took me very seriously. I felt much safer. The first cop I spoke to even gave me his number to call him and keep him posted which I did.
I had thought that if a petite woman showed up at my door instead of a tall, muscled guy that I wouldn’t have had much confidence in her handling the lunatic next door. It took two men who obviously worked out and were in top shape to hold her, and they worked up a sweat dragging her across my lawn. I really doubt that the petite woman could have tossed her up against the car with one arm like the 6 ft. muscled man did either after dragging and containing her on top of that. I would have needed a nap. Maybe a cocktail or two too, and I don’t drink. I think the same thing about Fire women. I would think that I was going to burn for sure if a 5ft. 2 woman showed up to carry me out. I am 5 ft. 4 in and a woman. The thought of me picking up any adult yet alone your average man is absurd. I believe it is legal endangerment, and pure hokum for most women to be on either force.
Thank you for sharing your story B Experienced.
Some observations about women fighting. Once they start it is to “war to the knife…” (http://www.nebraskapress.unl.edu/product/War-to-the-Knife,672901.aspx)
If charm fails then the knives come out, sometimes quite literally. Men will stop fighting when the other guy is down; women just keep going and going and going. Like cats fighting, it sounds and looks the same. Best way to stop women fighting is with a water bucket or a hose and no I’m not kidding.
On female cops. I married one and my partner is female. Just like males there are good ones and bad ones. The good ones, male or female, tend to be VERY good. If they are lackluster it is not because they are female (or male) it is because they are just marginal to start with.
I work with some very high conflict, narcissistic male cops. They are high maintenance and a pain in the ass. I’ll take a GOOD 5’04” female over a hulking, narcissistic pinhead male every time.
Showing up on these calls with a partner that is a gay male is even more fun. Shuts down the cluster B’s really fast.
B Experienced says
I noticed that the Cluster B women love their knives too. I suppose since they don’t have sharp talons that they use those instead to rip and shred. They remind me of someone in a rage on PCP.
I remember one time when we were riding in a car that my husband wanted to stop and help out a female officer having a really hard time restraining a male. It was obvious they were no match for each other. Where I live, the police ride alone, and they don’t have partners to help them out right away either. I am friends with a woman who was a cop and a lot of the time the women were put on traffic detail or investigating after the crime happened for that reason. This put the men far more at risk of being harmed because they were more available to take the calls when the crime was happening. I have a big problem with that because it isn’t fair to the men. I don’t doubt that women can be good in other ways as police or that some of the bigger women could take on a guy, but I still have my dithers about “most” women’s physical strength over most men’s unless they are a Cluster B woman in a rage when push comes to shove.
I remember learning in one of my Anatomy and Physiology classes decades ago that a man’s strength is largely designed for the upper body and women’s is in the hip region. I find that to be largely true even on a casual observation level. I believe as well that it is a detrimental factor needed in a lot of jobs and one that could cause a lot of collateral damage if it isn’t factored in. I don’t find it sexist either, just different.
Regardless of our differences, I am glad that there are people like you who fight these B’s and try your best to protect us from them. It must be a nightmare since the laws are designed to protect them.
B Experienced says
Very good article. It is both informative and disturbing to know just how much the Feminists have distorted our world view by their propaganda and aggrandizement. A friend of mine recently dropped off dishes to the Women’s Shelter. I refused to give them anything based on the grounds that the possibility of a Cluster B woman getting something from us was probably greater than one not getting something from us. If it was a Dependent PD woman, they will probably go back for more anyway. My husband isn’t working to support their insanity.
I felt sorry for any kids involved, but I can’t support a system that doesn’t realize that men need shelters from some of the women they are protecting and that it is often just another way for a Cluster B or Dependent PD to be taken care of and take it all for granted.
I am entirely likely to get killed or injured on a domestic call.
First, I’ll address the relative risk to Police officers, which has been greatly misrepresented by Police themselves, for example:
Police say domestic violence calls can be especially dangerous for officers.
Domestic Violence Calls Dangerous to Police
“Domestic violence calls are one of the most dangerous calls that law enforcement can take. You never know what you are getting into,” says Archer City Police Chief Joe Burton.
Ask the question and many, if not all, law enforcement officers will tell you they fear “domestic violence in progress” calls far more than rushing off to thwart, say, a robber holding up a bank.
The actual risk to police officers is not proportionate to what Police themselves believe (or have been taught to believe)
Police have been actively promoting this myth.
Relative Contribution of Domestic Violence to Assault and Injury of Police Officers
Domestic disturbances constituted 7.8 percent of the total, and general disturbances 13.4 percent. A total of 1,038 assault incidents on police officers occurred during the reporting period; 499 resulted in injury to the officer. Both domestic and general disturbances were overrepresented in assaults and injuries to officers. Domestic disturbance was the fourth most likely police activity to lead to an assault and fifth most likely type of call to lead to an injury. Victim officers were primarily male, white, under age 30, of nonsupervisory rank, with less than three years on the force, and more likely to be working with another officer than alone. Nearly all assault incidents involved a single offender who was male, black, under age 30, and had attacked the officer victim physically. 3 tables, 1 note, and 33 references
Domestic Violence Danger: Myth or Reality?
Even with ongoing attention to the dangers of policing, there is some confusion regarding precisely what factors are associated with risk to officers. This lack of clarity has extended to domestic violence calls for service and has resulted in the “DV Danger” myth. For example, it is widely believed that domestic violence calls pose the greatest threat to police officers’ safety and that law enforcement officers are most likely to be injured or killed responding to this category of call. While the fact remains that officers are seriously injured and killed responding to domestic violence calls, the bulk of research does not actually support this perspective. Rather, findings typically indicate that robberies and burglaries are the most dangerous calls for law enforcement officers and that these calls pose a far greater risk for assault and death than do domestic violence calls for service.2
One factor that contributes to the DV Danger myth has been the misinterpretation of the Federal Bureau of Investigation’s (FBI’s) Law Enforcement Officers Killed and Assaulted (LEOKA) data. While LEOKA remains the primary source for information related to the assault and murder of law enforcement officers, the “disturbance category” has often been misunderstood. For example, many researchers and practitioners believed that this category referred to domestic disturbances only. While domestic violence disturbances are captured in these data, this category was intended to reflect a wide variety of disturbances. As such, DV disturbances are combined with many other types of disturbances, including bar fights, gang matters, and persons brandishing weapons. Given these misunderstandings, it is not surprising that there has been some confusion regarding the rate of officer fatalities during domestic violence calls for service.
The first thing you should know about the DV training law enforcement are forced to undergo is that no one likes it. Is it because male law enforcement are a bunch of misogynists? No. It’s because much of it flies in the face of common sense.
Mark makes the claim that “no one likes it” but the fact remains that many police officers and police chiefs are public supporters of the women’s shelter industry, which is the very source of DV training. So clearly, the most vocal of Police are fully on board and in agreement with the training. If it flies in the face of “common sense”, then clearly there are many Police officers and Police chiefs lacking “common sense”
When I work with a new recruit, I have 3 months to undo the damage of the academy
Mark admits to the bias in training but surprisingly concludes that this training is counteracted by on the job training with other officers. Yet, the fact remains that the most vocal of Police and Police chiefs are fully on board and in agreement with the training. I have yet to hear of a Police Union or Police Chief make a public stand about such training, they are not prevented from doing so. What is clear is that 100% of police officers receive the biased training, what isn’t clear is how effective and widespread the de-programming is.
There is still a lack of detail addressing “dominant aggressor modeling” that when presented with a he-said / she-said situation (majority of DV calls), the officer will determine the victim based on his/her opinion of who displays the most fear rather than evidence. It’s simply a contest of who cries the most and police are making the determination of who is the criminal and who is the victim based on subjective evaluation.
Dennis, Yep, you are stating the problem…what would be your solution?
The reason I ask is that Mark is doing the same thing as I have to do in my role – deal with a shitty system and keep plugging away one case at a time to change it.
It is not fair, it ain’t fun, but I ain’t going to give up with my efforts, because eventually someone is going to realise that (Mark and)I are making a valid point.
Ack! Have to repost….bloody thing ate my reply.
LOL – hate that!
I’m counteracting Mark’s claim that police officers are not affected by the biased training (because it isn’t common sense) and that many police officers are opposed to it.
If that was true, then there would be Police Chiefs and Police unions making a big stink about this training, policy and procedures.
The solution is very difficult, because it requires good people to stand up and speak out and so far it’s not happening in the law enforcement community.
Denis, I have statutory training I have to do annually.
During recent domestic violence awareness training, I took the trainers to task over the gender bias in the DV reporting form. Found a terrific ally that day in a gay male nurse who also objected to the implication that there was not DV in gay relationships. We got the form rewritten for a whole county area of 500,000 people. This is the form used by health, social services AND police.
I’m not always that lucky/successful at doing this kind of rapid fire intervention. Some days you just get the “so you have just sprung two heads” look and know your comments have fallen on deaf ears.
Mark speaks a truism – common sense is not that common. There are good cops and bad cops. Good health professionals and ones who have swallowed the blue pill. There is one nurse practitioner I want to take to task when she refused to get the mental health social worker down to interview my SO’s daughter after SHE assaulted HIM…because the nurse practitioner did not see the situation as high risk. Had I been there when they went to A&E the outcome would have been different, because I know the system and know what words to use to get that kind of attention. But the ethics of doing so would have been down right questionable.
No system is perfect, but I am encouraged that there are cops like Mark out there. Because eventually someone who can change things will get to the top of the pile.
We agree…there is bias. I can’t (no one can) undo years of someone’s social programming and bias. The next two pieces in this series cover more of this and should answer some of your concerns. I can undo some things in training, I can’t reprogram recruits in 90 days. The job usually does that once some of idealism and stupidity is, literally, beaten out of them.
Police unions don’t pipe up mostly because this is something outside their primary concern, which is labor and contract issues between Police and local government.
I hear the words, “use common sense”, come out of my Chief’s mouth on a daily basis. Common sense, ain’t that common, especially when you get the attorneys involved. Here is a piece of case law from Chicago PD (CPD)…
Lazy cops make BAD case law. This case and others like it, drive much of the DV bias problem. When looked at by itself it shows a very lopsided view. Worth a read to understand what drives some of the policy and law. CPD has layered problems that contributed to this. Overworked 911 center, call not dispatched or prioritized properly, caller not clear on what is happening, often due to fear, messed up radios, etc. Not sure what happened to the officers involved.
As to why Chiefs of Police don’t speak out. That is simple. A Chief of Police (COP)is a purely political animal. Chief’s are appointed by Mayors and work for the Village, City or Municipality. They go with the flow, mostly because the training is “required” and is “free”. If the training is “free” (paid for by someone else) then it is good training. Yes I know, that sucks, I have to attend said training. Another article, “My Boss the Political Animal”.
DV shelters and advocate groups are often run by the “mustache lady” crowd and have their hooks into assorted local politicians, judges and other notables. They spin it for their own ends and it really is a question of follow the money. I am working on an article addressing this from the perspective of a working cop.
“Dominant aggressor modeling”. I googled that term and came up with this link.
I agree in large measure with the article. Police arrest, whenever possible on facts and evidence. Sometimes we are forced into arresting based on “she said”, because he won’t say or won’t return phone calls. Yes forced into arresting people. Mandatory requirements and a (probably) innocent party not speaking up for themselves, usually on advice of their attorney.
I’ll simplify “dominant aggressor modeling” by describing it as, “The Dance of the Flaming Asshole”. I can’t undo decades of a bad marriage, bad parenting and ISSUES in the short time I will spend at your home dealing with a domestic disturbance. If someone won’t take “YES” for an answer I can’t help them. YES you will (male or female) will leave for the evening. YES you’ll go to bed and take neutral corners. YES you will listen to sane, rational advice and perhaps follow it to save your ass.
The Police are a band aid solution to DV and related family issues. He said / she said is what we deal with all the time. Arrest is based on signs of violence, injury and bad attitude. It goes the other way to. When one party is not cooperating and is being actively hostile that can cause Police to not arrest or delay arrest by other means. Example: He is calm, sober rational and answering questions. She is hysterical, crazy, irrational, maybe drunk or medicated and not listening. Reverse he and she, or make it she and she, or he and he, or he, she and it. Sometimes it turns into one massive Jerry Springer episode.
Bad attitude / not listening (not disrespecting the Police, there is a difference) has gotten more people arrested than you would believe. “Go ahead and arrest me”, has gotten more people locked up, for the wrong reasons, than makes sense. From my own experience and others, at a certain point people with bad attitudes (they just aren’t taking YES for an answer)insist on testing to see if the Police will really arrest them. YES I will arrest you if there is no other option and you are unwilling to work with me in solving this issue short of an arrest.
Suffice it to say if someone is “doing the Dance” they are probably going to go to jail. Prosecution may not be successful or even desired, but you are most likely getting put out of your own home, on a very shaky basis. Fair? No. Reality sucks sometimes.
If Dr. T. does a show on this and will have me on air I can relate a story of one of the better examples of someone, male in this case, doing the dance. We arrested him two days in a row for not listening. It was and is sad. This man is very frustrated and angry, won’t divorce, three kids depend on him and he refuses to help himself in any meaningful way. Bomb waiting to go off. Probably our next hostage-barricade incident. Those truly suck.
I have had to “arrest” the male half, take him outside, uncuff him and explain, in short, declarative, easily understood words, that if he doesn’t shut up and leave, arrest, transport to jail and prosecution WILL follow. This is not personal or the result of “dominant aggressor training”, it is one man telling another that he needs to take yes for an answer. I know the system better than you and it will crush you…cut your losses for the night, regroup, get an attorney and get out. Proving you’re “right” and she is “wrong” is for court not in your kitchen in the middle of a heated, drunken argument. In this scenario, in 22 years, I have NEVER had the male half complain the next day, I usually get a , “Thank you. You saved my job.” “Thank you I was stupid, I called an attorney.” “She punched my buttons and if you guys(Cops) had not stepped in I would have hit her.”
There is a lot of material here and I’m sure I’ll be sending Dr. T a steady stream of stuff for awhile.
The best piece of advice I ever got about Police work was from my Uncle John (25 years, Buffalo PD retired). He said, “Never lose your compassion for the people, and they are people, that you police.” I’m just one guy trying to do the best I can in the environment I’m in. The people I have trained or had a say in their training tend to do better than others. More effective, fewer complaints and “cleaner” arrests. Cleaner in this context of DV being that the arrest is as clear cut and as close to the truth as we can get.
Here is Kentucky’s primary aggressor policy. Basically it’s the cop who determines the victim and perpetrator rather than a Judge/court of law.
MODEL DOMESTIC VIOLENCE LAW ENFORCEMENT POLICY
d. Mutual Violence
(1) Where the officer has probable cause to believe that two or more persons committed a misdemeanor or felony, or if two or more persons make complaints to the officer, the officer shall try to determine who was the primary aggressor and whether one party acted in self-defense;
(2) The officer should arrest the primary aggressor;
(3) Where there is probable cause to believe that all parties are equally responsible the officer should contact his immediate supervisor for assistance in a resolution;
(4) Officers should not use mutual arrests as a substitute for a thorough investigation.
Note: Arresting both parties is not the preferred response.
(5) Factors to consider in mutual violence situations to determine the primary aggressor:
(a) The history of domestic disputes/violence between the persons;
(b) The degree of injury inflicted upon each person keeping in mind that many injuries to the head and body may not be visible at the time;
(c) Objective and testimonial evidence from the parties and other persons at the scene including children;
(d) Whether one person acted in self-defense;
(e) The presence of fear of the parties involved and the level of fear (who is afraid of whom); and,
(f.) The likelihood of future injury.
So…the best advise to men would be to cry and cry a lot and pretend that you are more afraid that she is. Hopefully it’s believable to the officer.
Mark and Dr. Tara,
Thank you both very much for taking the time to address this issue with us readers. I am in the midst (2 years now) of a divorce with a high conflict personality disordered individual. The things that I learned on the Shrink4men website have been INVALUABLE to me as far as helping me through the process and keeping me and my 9 year old daughter safe.
Just a quick recap, guys, buy yourself a small video recorder. I literally have captured her making threats to me to “call the police and have them come over and kick my ass” while I was in the basement with my daughter playing with LEGO’S!!! After recording her 3 or 4 times saying things like that, I went to the police first and filed and incident report (thank you so much for that advice Dr. T). It was the smartest thing that I did, although I should have done it previously when I awoke to a .357 magnum in my face ala Goodfellas, but that was my stupidity.
Anyway, after the inevitable “real” call was eventually made by her to the police and the officers who responded were extremely professional and calm. I can’t stress this enough guys, stay cool, tell them the truth, and hope that wacky packs shows her true colors. I can’t blame the cops one bit for the confusion that results from these calls. I mean, I BELIEVED crazy for 17 years of marriage, these guys know her for 17 seconds.
Needless to say, she tried it again a couple of weeks later when I called her out (I was in bed mind you) about her phone going off at 12:30 p.m. on a Sunday. It woke me up and I told her to tell her “little boyfriend” to knock it off (he’s 25, she’s 42), that I allow this because he is doing me a favor by taking her crazy ass off my hands and that he is too young and dumb to know any better. She denied even having a boyfriend (big shock there) and lost it when I laughed, told her his name, and suggested that they have a nice time going to prom together so knock it off and be quiet because I needed to sleep.
About an hour later, after I fell back asleep mind you, the police were knocking on my door. Again, guys, be cool and tell them the truth. Keep your composure. I explained EXACTLY what happened. They were the same two officers from the previous call. Thank God that they were properly trained. It is almost comical now that I look back at it.
After they interviewed me (as they must do guys), they sent me back to bed and they turned their questions to my crazy wife. “Why are we here?” They asked her. “Did your husband threaten you?” “No”, was her reply, I was just scared (the victim role). “What were you scared of if he didn’t threaten you?” they asked. She paused to think of an answer (because she really didn’t have one) “I was scared for my friend was her reply”. “Did your husband threaten him? Would you like your friend to file a report with us? He can, if he was threatened.” “No, he didn’t threaten him directly” was her reply. “Well, at least give us his name then, so we can “protect” him if necessary” the officers asked (I felt like yelling it out to them from the upstairs window). “I can’t do that” was her reply, he is just my friend. To this, the cops became agitated and repeated the question to her “why are we here”? To this she gave no reply. What happened next was beautiful. The senior cop told her “so let me get this straight, you were so “scared” that you drove around for an hour or more before calling us, have no real reason for calling us, and won’t even give us the name of your “friend” who you are supposedly scared for?” “We are done here!” “STOP WASTING OUR TIME”. They then began to walk away and get into the squad car. She stood there exasperated! I went to sleep with a big shit eating grin on my face.
Mark, this was in Illinois, in an outlying suburb of Chicago, and it was obvious to me that the officers (albeit they looked young) were welled trained in this sort of thing. I felt like they understood the situation in less than a minute. It entirely changed my perspective on what you guys do and what you have to deal with. Thank you for taking the time to contribute to this site and for your observations and insights on this. It really does make a difference what you guys (Mark and Dr. T) are doing. Again, a big THANK YOU.
Here is a report from retired Lt. Richard L. Davis. This man speaks the truth and isn’t silenced by political correctness like the majority of police officers keeping their heads down and just doing their jobs.
Richard Davis- Police Officer Perceptions of Intimate Partner Violence (POPIPV): An Analysis of Observational Data
The POPIPV documents that almost two of every three (62%) of law enforcement IPV interventions are for “verbal arguments.” And one of every five (20.4%) are for incidents where it is difficult to determine who is the offender and who is the victim. Hence, the vast majority (82.4%) of IPV interventions can be problematic for responding officers.
Most criminal justice data documents that in serious incidents females do suffer from more injurious and fatal violence than males. However, as the POPIPV documents most IPV incidents are minor or there is no empirical evidence to demonstrate who initiated the assaultive behavior. Contemporary unprecedented IPV training curriculums establish a bias found nowhere else in the criminal justice system. IPV trainers simply refer to females as victims and males as offenders
It is difficult to understand how or why the officers did not make a single arrest of a female offender when a recent study from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention documents that women are the perpetrators in more than 70% of nonreciprocal IPV incidents.
When my borderline ex wife called the cops on me with a fake domestic violence accusation (My ex flipped out when I disciplined our son. Interestingly, she called the cops while we were sitting on the couch talking. There wasn’t anything physical, but I was talking to him sternly.), I got some of the best advice from the senior cop who arrived at my house. Interestingly, there were two cops who arrived, a young rookie cop and the senior “old vet” cop. After they spoke to everyone and made sure that everyone was fine and that there really wasn’t any domestic violence which had occurred, the old vet cop took me outside and said to me, “I’ve seen this a bunch of times. I can tell you are a good guy and that you haven’t done anything wrong here and you have a right to discipline your son….but you need to really protect yourself here. If you wife calls us out here again, here is how it’s going to go down. They’ll look up that there was a previous call and if she claims anything physical happened, they will take you away in handcuffs. (By the way, nothing physical had happened, but that doesn’t really matter. As long as she says that something phyical happened, that is all that will be needed. There doesn’t have to be any scratches, bruises, or marks, or any evidence of any kind. She just has to say that you were phyical or abusive with her or him.) If you just happen to walk past her in the hallway and she thinks you brushed up against her too hard, that will be all that she needs.” He looked me square in the eyes and said, “You need to protect yourself. I know that this is something that you probably haven’t thought of, but you really need to protect yourself. Your wife is selling you out in there. You need to do more than what is right, you need to think about how to protect yourself because you are in danger.” The next day I called a lawyer and planned my exit strategy.
You took “YES” for an answer. Works damn near every time.