Have you ever been told, “You’re so angry!” and then felt wrong or ashamed?
Is it okay for your wife, girlfriend, ex — or any woman for that matter — to lash out at you in anger or rage, but if you become angry in return, you’re labeled the scary-angry guy while she’s only expressing her feelings?
Have you had to disavow your feelings, especially angry feelings, in your relationship to the point where you feel shut down and maybe a little (or a lot) depressed?
Do you experience mute rage, meaning that when you’re angry, you can’t articulate it? Like if you opened your mouth that nothing would come out but a silent, impotent scream?
Are you afraid that if you let go and express your anger that you’ll lose control of yourself?
Are you recently out of a bad relationship, marriage or divorce and don’t know what to do with your anger?
Are you sick and tired of hearing that, “men aren’t good at expressing emotions” or, even more ludicrous, that “men don’t have emotions?” Worse yet, do you believe it?
If you’re a woman married to a man with a crazy, abusive ex, do you ever find yourself wondering why your husband seems numbed out and unphased while you are legitimately angry at his ex’s latest whacko stunt?
Do you feel your anger for your partner? If so, then have a listen to this BlogTalkRadio program.
Counseling with Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD
Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD helps individuals work through their relationship and codependency issues via telephone or Skype. She specializes in helping men and women trying to break free of an abusive relationship, cope with the stress of an abusive relationship or heal from an abusive relationship. Coaching individuals through high-conflict divorce and custody cases is also an area of expertise. She combines practical advice, emotional support and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Schedule a Session page for more information.
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Yep. Wife has played this card MANY times. “Your anger is scaring me.”
But your anger is OK?
I have been called a “robot” by my wife MANY times, because I don’t express myself the way SHE wants me to. I don’t end every phone call with “I love you”. I don’t text “I love you” everyday. I stopped buying you flowers and what not, when each time I did that you said, “What did you do that you need to buy me flowers?”
Most men are trained from an early age to be “polite little boys”. Don’t give offense. Don’t react. Don’t be angry she did not mean it.
It is ok to be angry and to channel and express your anger. Just don’t be an asshole about it.
I addressed this on the program last night, Mark. This is a common occurrence with many of the guys with whom I work.
Their partners rage, throw things, hurl the most venomous insults, yet when they finally can’t take it and shout at them to leave them alone, all of a sudden the women who were just snarling in their faces are a scare-wed.
I think what they’re really “scared” of is having a mirror held up to themselves.
Plus, I think it’s also very similar to the use of tears. Seems like as soon as a woman cries or says “I’m scared” most people forget about whatever horrible thing she just did. It’s like waving a wand to avoid being held accountable.
Dr. T.,
Yes you did. Great show. Finally finished listening to the whole show.
A note on Paul’s comment about male competition about 111 minutes into the show.
I am not a sports guy. I’ll watch a game of football, soccer, baseball, etc and can appreciate good play and great athletic prowess. My life does not revolve around sports. Many of my male coworkers cannot fathom I don’t care about sports. I am viewed as less manly because I don’t embrace the viewing of sports as a measure of manliness. I used to find this bothersome but now just am amused by it.
Some “manly” things I can do or have done…
I have three children. This may be my greatest contribution to society.
I give freely of my time and money, without fanfare or recognition, expecting nothing in return.
I have an avid interest in firearms and do fairly well shooting competitively.
I can hold my own in a fight and have defeated several attempts of persons actively trying to kill me or my partner(s) at work. Because of this I have parts that don’t and will never work right ever again.
I have used my one and only body (that I am very attached to)to shield the victims of a wreck from the jaws of life. (I fit the firemen did not. Unique circumstances).
I have, more than once (cause I’m stupid that way), entered burning buildings and saved children.
I can fix most stuff and will call for help if I need it. There are many men now that can’t / won’t or are afraid to use tools.
I know my limitations but will push myself to learn new things.
You all get the idea. Stuff sounds pretty “manly” to me. So since I refuse to conform to society’s definition of “manly” and I don’t have bulging muscles, I wear glasses (think geek)and I am not “allowed” to show emotions or have trouble emoting as dictated by feminists definitions and standards I’m not a man? or I’m not manly?
Read Bennett’s piece. Hey Bill rethink your attitude. Being a man does not mean I have to put up with abuse from someone just because she is female. Nor does it mean I have to conform to your definition of manly. I’m allowed to be angry from time to time to.
Thank you for what you and Paul are doing.
I’m not big on watching team sports either, don’t worry about it. The other guys here at work will talk endlessly about stats of their favorite teams like they’ve been doing for decades, I just get lost. You don’t have to let anyone else but you decide the definition of what being a man is. Easier to say than do sometimes with the expectations, media, and our own upbringing.
I PLAYED sports…many of them- including football. I am constantly amazed at the sheer volume of men that seem to assimilate “macho” by sitting on their asses…drinking beer…yelling and getting all pumped up. Most of whom, never stepped on a field, strapped on the pads, and put themselves in harms way. True “Dick Cheneys” of the sports world. It’s as if by wearing a teams colors…somehow people will think that in a bygone day, they were actually once athletes.
Great show, can’t wait to get it on the air in a few weeks!
Thanks, Karma!
Ha, great teaser article for the show, I’ll have to listen when I’m able to. What you wrote though describes me to a T. My wife can have all out hysterical slamming doors, cussing, scary acting out sessions all day long in front of me or our daughter no problem. If she *thinks* I’m having a bad attitude (if my brow furrows for example) then she’s already decided I’m too angry, regardless of whether her interpretation of my body language is correct. If I do get angry to the point of cussing or I slam a cabinet door she threatens to call the cops. Which she has already done, literally because I slammed a cabinet door, made me promise over the phone to the cops to stop ‘terrorizing’ her. Yes this article rings true to me. I’m expected to be a zombie and just take her anger yet am punished when I inevitably pull away from her emotionally. I’m getting angry just thinking about it, I must be in touch with that anger apparently.
I f**king hate Feminists, and as of lately, I have been getting ass chewed up by Feminists lately. I have been under alot of stress, and I have no way of countering their arguments, because I can’t think straight.
In my experience, a NPD or BPD female often, baits a man to get an angry response. As Paul Elam pointed out on your show, doctor, in a debate or argument with a normal person, there are unwritten rules beyond which one does not tread in order to avoid escalation. Not so in an engagement wotjh a disordered person.
In my own situation, my Xw was serially cheating. On some level, I knew it , but was in denial. In an effort to ramp up the abuse and to try to get me to react so she could accuse me of being abusive, one night she woke me from a sound sleep ar 3 in the morning, to describe the body of the young man she had been out with that ngiht. She , really, wanted to provoke me.
Fortunately, by that time, I was so disgusted with her , I was beyond caring and did not react.