This BlogTalkRadio discusses the following issues:
- Women who make false allegations in order to gain the upper hand in divorce and custody cases.
- Women who encourage their children to make false allegations to gain the upper hand in divorce and custody cases.
- Women who make false allegations to punish their partners for ending their respective relationships.
- Women who threaten to make false allegations to intimidate and control their partners and exes.
- Women who make false allegation in order to cover up their own abusive behavior (DARVO).
- Women who deliberately stage an “attack scene” in order to make false allegations to punish to gain the upper hand. (For example, Wife wants to divorce Husband and shut him out of the house. Wife backs Husband into a corner and gets in his face. In an effort to get away from her, Husband pushes her out of the way and Wife calls police and claims domestic violence.)
- Women who make false allegations against their exes new partners in order to block access to the children.
- Women who make false allegations against their step-children to try to create a wedge between their husbands and children from previous relationships.
In other words, the upcoming episode will be about “lies and the lying liars who tell them” (Senator Al Franken).
There are bad people in the world. Statistically speaking, odds are that half the bad people are women and the other half are men. Some men absolutely deserve to have the cops called on them and so do some women. If you’re not violent, abusive nor a sexual predator, then you don’t fall into this category.
If your partner, ex, child or step-child threatens to call the police and make false allegations of abuse against you, she or he is attempting to rob you of your freedom and to destroy your reputation, career and other relationships. Perhaps the accuser hasn’t thought through the long-term consequences of her actions. Perhaps it’s an impulsive show of power. Ultimately, who cares what her or his motivations are. False allegations of abuse are abuse.
Counseling with Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD
Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD helps individuals work through their relationship and codependency issues via telephone or Skype. She specializes in helping men and women trying to break free of an abusive relationship, cope with the stress of an abusive relationship or heal from an abusive relationship. Coaching individuals through high-conflict divorce and custody cases is also an area of expertise. She combines practical advice, emotional support and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Schedule a Session page for more information.
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It is important that men see there are women who care about them. If more men see that women care about them, then that will help re-build trust between the genders. All too often I hear some women convict a man who has been accused of inflicting some type of harm upon a woman without caring if the allegations are true or false; most men will always be considered guilty, even if they are innocent. If more women spoke up in the defense of men then we wouldn’t feel as if we are living in a modern day Salem with men being treated the same way as the ‘witches’ were during the Salem witch trials. Our society resembles a police-state more and more every day because certain people in our society have deemed one gender more important than the other gender.
Hi RFOR,
Men have become society’s default scapegoats. It’s a knee jerk reaction far too many people have and it’s a form of discrimination — just like it would be if a minority group was perceived to be the cause of society’s ills. It’s not right and it needs to stop and women need to get involved and speak up in order for it to stop.
I will be calling into your debut “Shrink4Men” radio show on September 7th to publicly thank you for the work you do with men.
Thanks, RFOR. I look forward to it.
I’ve marked it on my calendar.
I would like to see discussed, what repercussion SHOULD take place, in cases where one party outright lies about the other. It has been my personal experience and observances that there is never even so much as a slap on the wrist for the person make false claims. But there are grave repercussions for the person who is falsely accused. Even if their name is cleared legally, the doubt still remains and ruins their reputation. I would like to eventually see penalties and/or jail time (or possibly equivalent repercussions for the false claims), for lying for the purpose of incriminating another person (regardless of gender).
Hi MB,
I think the partner that makes the false allegation and obtains the baseless restraining order, should be fined and perhaps sentenced to jail time. They should also lose custody and only have supervised access for a significant period of time — for instance, until it is determined that they will no longer engage in such tactics and refrain from PAS.
For women who make false rape allegations and sexual abuse allegations — they should have to do the same amount of time that the wrongfully accused party would have done if convicted. Real life consequences — who knows? It just might work.
It’s been my experience that for many women making false allegations is a no lose situation. If they are unable to get the allegations to stick, they often taint the rest of the proceedings. The court will often tend to error on the side of protecting them and the children. The flip side of this, is that the court will inflict punishment on the man often based on allegations alone. If you are able to prove that the allegations are false, the court will often just want to pretend that nothing happened and “let’s just move on from here”. This can often involve having the man separated from his children for months and laying the groundwork and fortifying the roots of a parental alienation campaign. ( I’ve often wondered if the judge just doesn’t want to admit that he was duped into being an extremely powerful weapon of injustice.) Men can often also be in a difficult situation in that they are typically guilty until proven innocent. Unless they are fortunate enough to have hard evidence which proves their innocence, they can be found guilty entirely on baseless allegations. Lastly, even though many of these false allegations lack substance, they can be a very effective tool for the accuser to sway the court’s opinion, portray them as helpless victims, and generate plenty of sympathy. This can be an extremely effective legal maneuver making an already substantial gender bias even greater.
Hi george,
What you describe is exactly what needs to change. If the allegations are disproved, judges need to start holding it against the accuser and not the falsely accused.
It needs to stop. And when a woman or man has been proven to have lied — they should lose acces to the kids IMMEDIATELY and be required to undergo a psych eval AT THEIR OWN EXPENSE!
Is there anyway I can listen to a podcast later? I live in London (American) and am in the middle of divorce proceedings with an extreme NPD (actually she just called me that in a mediation session!)
Your articles are so “on the money” that my soon to be ex even uses the exact same sentences, words or phrases that you publish. Uncanny and scary. Instead of “jerk and “stupid jerk”, it’s loser and “stupid loser”, etc etc.
I have been exposing some of her flaws and she is flailing – my daughters friends complain to their moms that they see her ranting in the mirror, drink in hand, and no one around….I need to listen to this!
Hi ron77,
I posted the embed yesterday. Here’s the link:
https://shrink4men.com/2011/08/24/embed-of-dr-tara-j-palmatier-on-avfm-radio-false-allegations-in-divorce-and-custody-battles/
Dr T
I may not be listening in live…it depends on how tired I get over here in the UK, but I will surely be listening to the recording if I don’t make the live show.
I will be interested in what you have to say Dr T as I think you speak a lot of sense!
Hi Merlin,
I posted the embed yesterday. Hope you find the program helpful.
Dr T
Dr. T, while it’s not family/child related, the Dominique Strauss-Kahnn story may be of interest as a related topic:
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/44240116/ns/us_news-crime_and_courts/
http://www.nytimes.com/2011/05/15/nyregion/imf-head-is-arrested-and-accused-of-sexual-attack.html?_r=2&scp=2&sq=strauss-kahn%20air%20france&st=cse
The NY Times link includes a link to the Recommendation to Dismiss.
Now there are rumors, etc. about the guy’s behavior with other women, so I’m not saying he’s the epitome of good behavior. But that’s a far cry from being a rapist.
I agree with you, Micksbabe and others that these kind of allegations have very serious consequences for the men accused. And they can also have consequences for women as well. Will the people who made the tough call to take Strauss-Kahn off the plane and keep him in NYC for almost 3 months be willing to do so again? Will their successors be willing to do so again? I’m sure there are going to be investigations, etc. into whether they made the right call.
What if Strauss-Kahn didn’t have the financial resources and power he did? Would the case have been dropped or would it have continued? Would he have been convicted?
All excellent questions re: the DSK case, exscapegoat.
My guess is if he didn’t have economic resources, he’d still be rotting away in jail. In the US of A (and many other nations), justice costs money. If you don’t have economic resources (or an attorney willing to work on a contingency basis — i.e., you plan to sue for damages after the criminal case), you’re often screwed.
The curious thing about my borderline ex is that she rarely told out-and-out lies. She used highly suggesting statements with lots of wiggle room and with a grain of truth. She chiefly used this to avoid taking responsibility for her actions, either by giving excuses or deflecting the question.
However, about 15 months before our divorce she went on a tear and began telling friends and family that I was a sex and porn addict and that I pressured her to “do things.” Of course, anyone hearing would think the worse and wouldn’t consider that my sex addition consisted of me wanting sex more than once a month, that I looked at Playboy (or the equivalent) and that I asked her to give me more oral sex. She “speculated” with some that I was having an affair (based simply on the fact that when I talked about my day, a female coworker was often part of my stories.) Of course, they seemed to assume that my ex was “in denial.”
Interestingly, my ex toned this way down with our marriage counselor and even denied making many of the accusations (one of her few direct lies), but still fooled her for a short while and once the marriage counselor turned the accusations back on my ex, my ex freaked out.
Our counselor concluded, and I concured, that my ex was using these lies/exagerations as a way to excuse her emotionally abusive behavior and mainly to get a divorce while making herself the victim. Fortunately, she isn’t high conflict and has a conscience and our divorce was beyond amicable. I think it helped that she had friends with high conflict ex-spouses (or spouses with high conflict ex spouses) and made a deliberate attempt to be rediculously amicable with the added bonus that it gave her bragging rights, which she relishes.
I forgot to add that my ex’s behavior wasn’t repercussion free; she greatly damaged my relationship with some family members and utterly destroyed it with others, though only one on my side. I thought my ex had alienated my oldest son, but I recently found out that while he doesn’t hold me blameless, he thinks his mother is crazy and presented to me a pretty good practical diagnosis (she never grew up and has the maturity of a thirteen-year-old.)
Hi Jason,
That sucks re: your family. However, it’s fantastic that your son sees through his mom’s BS. That’s a true victory. As for family members who side with the HCP — eff ’em.
Hi Jason,
The most effective liars add a grain or two of truth to their BS. Then, after they get busted, they can claim that you “misunderstood.” Just vile.
Glad you were able to get out of your marriage relatively unscathed. Sometimes they are more worried about how they appear to others and can be leveraged into behaving themselves; sometimes not.
I’m a long time fan of yours Dr.T and I would be a regular listener of yours and I will definitely spread the word and link to your new show and site as I have in the past.
Unfortunately for us “lucky” 14%ers who haven’t been completely alienated from our children, wednesday evening is standard visitation that I never miss, even in winter. I’m good for monday or thursdays and I appreciate everything you do and how you care about men.
Hi Denis,
I appreciate your continued support very much. Thank you!
I’m not going to do the program on Wednesdays. It’ll probably happen on Mondays. I like the idea of either being the night before or night after AVfM.
Will make a decision next week.
Thanks again,
Dr T
I know of 3 cases of this type of crap, personally. In two, the STBXW brought charges of child molestation against the husband and in one, she merely claimed he was violent/threatening.
In both the molestaion cases, the children recanted. yet, in one, the child protection aganecy still pursued a restraining order against the accused. I defended him at a hearing in front of an administrative law judge, and the evidnece was non-existent, such that the judge was pissed at the state.
In any case, the fellow who was accused of violence and threatening had recently discovered his wife’s serial infidelity over the course of their 23 year marriage. her latest paramour had recently threatened him with violence.
This friend is an attorney and appeared at the initial hearing on the TRO. His wife failed to show and had, in fact, dismissed her claims but failed to notify him. His mother was terminally ill at the time and died while he had to be in court vs being with her. Absolutely no reprecussions for the woman.
Just wow. For the judge who became angry, were their any repercussions for the state and false accuser?
No, no reprecussions at all . I crucified one of their witnesses. At the break, she told me that no one had ever destroyed her story like that before. This shocked me, as the cross exam was like shooting fish in a barrel. A first year law student could have shredded her.
So, I wonder WTF is going on. Are folks just bullied beyond belief? MY friend , who I defended, had already spent 50k on his criminal defense before the charges were dropped after the child recanted. So, I did the case for nothing. But, many folks cannot afford a lawyer and there is no access to a Pd for this type of proceeding.
ANd my buddy’s XW who accused him of threatening her had no consequence at all for her false allegations.
“Shrink4Men” radio show on September 7th.
Right, it’s circled with a big red crayon that took about six of us to lift up to the calendar on the wall.
P.S.
‘scuse my ignorance here, but how does one go about talking on Skype to the programme ? By that I mean do I just ring in the number or do I have to log in here first or register somewhere else first ?
P.P.S. There you go… that was my shame-attack for the week.
Hi Dr F,
I am most likely going to postpone the show until Monday, September 12. Several people pointed out that Wednesday is visitation night with their children.
I will post an official start day this week.