Look at that poor woman crying! I wonder what he did to her?
Pretend the image on the left is a Thematic Apperception Test card and make up a story about it.
Is the woman crying because she discovered her boyfriend had been cheating on her, dumped her and emptied their joint account to go on holiday with the other woman? Do you feel sorry for her and ready to blame the jerk who made her cry?
Or is the woman crying because she stalked her abused ex-boyfriend and his new fiancee to a party, crashed it, made a scene and was told to leave? Are the tears born out of desperation, frustration, anger, jealousy, a refusal to accept the consequences of her behavior and as a ploy to elicit sympathy from others?
“Why won’t he just talk to meeeeeeee? Why is he so mean to meeeee? All I ever . . . hiccup . . . hiccup . . . did is love him!” Do you still want to protect her and blame her ex-boyfriend, who, in reality, she emotionally and physically abused during their 18-month relationship? Or does knowing the facts of the situation change your chivalrous, caretaker impulses?
How Empathy and Sympathy Are Used to Manipulate the Unsuspecting
When we see someone crying, we feel bad for them. If we’ve suffered pain or loss, we typically feel compassion when we see a fellow human being suffering. It’s an admirable human quality.
Because we have empathy, when we see a woman who’s very tearful or angry, we remember the last time we felt that way. We remember the good reasons we had for feeling that way; i.e., we actually experienced a real loss or betrayal. We then may erroneously assume that when a woman is in such outward turmoil there must be a legitimate reason for it, too.
Enter the professional victim, the high-conflict person (HCP) and/or the abusive personality disordered individual (APDI; histrionic personality disorder, borderline personality disorder, narcissistic personality disorder, antisocial personality disorder, paranoid personality disorder, avoidant personality disorder, dependent personality disorder). These women know how to make themselves appear to be the victim and work it to their advantage. You see, they’re not really victims. They don the role of victim to manipulate others.
A professional victim’s, HCP’s and/or APDI’s entire emotional landscape revolves solely around herself, her feelings and having things her way. When these women experience the slightest frustration or disappointment and things don’t go their way, they react as if they’re experiencing an extreme form of excruciating torture and then cue the waterworks and self-righteous outrage.
To the unsuspecting observer, such as a family court judge, custody evaluator, attorney, police officer on a domestic dispute call or rape allegation, family friend or juror in the Casey Anthony trial, the tears appear real. Most people reason, “She’s so upset something really bad must’ve happened.” The tears may very well be real, but not for the reasons we think.
Professional victims, HCPs, APDIs and other predators bank on others making this fundamental mistake. The tears, anger and fear are often real, but very misleading. The HCP is so desperate to get her way that she works herself into a very convincing tizzy. Sometimes, the HCP is so convincing, she actually begins to believe her own lies and, thus, becomes even more convincing.
The Other Half of the Equation: Men as Default Scapegoats
Of course, there are male professional victims, but female professional victims have a distinct advantage over their male counterparts. As a society, we tend to see women as default victims and men as default scapegoats.
Typically, we don’t think of men as victims. We can’t even recognize it when we’re confronted by physical evidence of it.
ABC News did a story in which a woman is observed verbally and physically assaulting a man. All but one passerby assumed the man being assaulted “deserved it” because “he cheated on her” or committed some other offense. Only one passerby intervened and asked if the man was okay. Even the off-duty cop who witnessed the staged assault didn’t stop to ask if the man was alright.
We tend to rationalize female violence and vilify male violence. When a woman claims she was abused as a child or by her partner, society makes excuses for her when she behaves badly. Alternatively, our society tends not to have the same degree of sympathy and urge to protect men who claim they were abused as children or by a partner.
Dr Warren Farrell, PhD refers to this as the invisibility of male suffering.
There are also different consequences for female vs. male perpetrated crimes. Female perpetrators go to counseling and, on rare occasions, are sentenced to jail, but for much lighter sentences than their male counterparts receive. Male perpetrators go to jail. Period.
Men rarely get the, “Poor man. What you did is technically a crime, but we understand because you were abused as a child and your wife verbally abused you, so it’s not really your fault. Enough scolding. Big hug and off to community counseling with you. Oh, and you get to keep custody of the children even though you deny access to their mother and have been practicing a campaign of parental alienation for the last 5 years,” that women often receive in criminal and family courts.
As a society, we’re inclined to believe accusations about men. If a woman accuses a man of rape, he’s automatically assumed guilty and treated as such. Men accused of rape suffer immediate consequences, long before their guilt or innocence is proven.
Before men go to court, their names are publicized and they’re forever branded rapists and the consequences last a lifetime. There are examples of this in the press right now: Julian Assange and Dominque Strauss-Kahn. Long before these men have their day in court, they’ve been tried and found guilty in the court of public opinion. Most of the time, all a woman has to do is cry and point her finger in blame at a man and he’s toast.
We’ve been conditioned to treat men and women differently, especially when it comes to conflict and expressing violent emotions. There’s a greater tolerance for emotional outbursts and emotional extremism by women. We tend to contrive excuses for women’s violence toward men and even blame men for women’s bad behavior.
When men express legitimate anger and frustration about the ways they’re mistreated and abused, society labels them “angry” and they immediately become suspect or mandated to anger management classes.
How Predatory Women and Some Attorneys Use Society’s Gender Biases and Double Standards to their Advantage
It’s easy to portray men as villains in domestic disputes. The Court is predisposed to recognize a pattern of domestic abuse in which the woman is the victim. Judges recognize the pattern of male perpetrated domestic abuse because the domestic violence industry spends millions of dollars every year training judges to only recognize domestic violence as a male perpetrated crime.
In the hands of a savvy attorney, the court’s predisposition can be a powerful advantage.
Attorneys and their female clients know that men are unlikely to fight back and defend their reputations if the dispute is characterized as an abuse case. It’s an uneven playing field for men because the social and professional consequences of abuse allegations are severe, regardless of the outcome of the case.
Most men opt to settle swiftly, even on unfavorable terms, rather than contend with the intangible social and financial costs of abuse allegations. Even when men want to defend themselves, the legal costs are often too high, so they plea out. There’s no “victory” for men in such cases. The best they can do is emerge with their reputations intact.
As a result, there is an incentive to concoct abuse allegations against men. For the women, there’s no downside to making such claims, such as in the Tracy West and Louis Gonzalez, III case. Even if the claims are entirely untrue, there are rarely consequences for the abuser, only for the falsely accused.
Some women are coached to make false allegations of domestic violence, rape and child abuse. Their attorneys file baseless restraining orders to raise the stakes on men in the divorce or custody cases. These tactics don’t just hurt men. They hurt the children and families of these men. They also create widespread corrosive cynicism about the family court and the efficacy of the justice system.
Making men the default scapegoat for society’s ills is no different than making a minority or immigrant group the default scapegoat. It’s over broad, it’s unfair, it’s dishonest and it’s discrimination. It’s incredibly damaging to boys and young men, gender relations, relationships, families and “the best interests of the children.” And it gives predatory women a free pass.
It’s necessary to recognize that male abuse exists. Such abuse happens every day, but this is not a conversation America is ready to have. As a result of that silence, we have an invisible epidemic. As a culture we lack the language to describe it, we can’t recognize it and we’re unwilling to confront the implications of it.
This isn’t just a matter of a few women who manipulate the legal system in a family law case. There are two huge industries, the Family Law industry and the Domestic Violence industry, who have a strong financial motivation to perpetuate the myth that women are the only victims of abuse to the tune of well over $4 billion dollars a year (the $4 billion is just for the DV industry — I don’t know how much Family Courts and family law attorneys amass each year).
When you combine our natural tendency to feel empathy for the suffering of women, society’s tendency to make women default victims and men default scapegoats, the double standards and gender biases of family court and the judiciary system, the financial incentives of individual divorce and custody cases and the enormous financial incentives of both the divorce and domestic violence industries, you get the mess we have today in which female predators masquerading as victims are rewarded while the real male victims and their children are being destroyed.
To the “victim” go the spoils.
Counseling with Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD
Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD helps individuals work through their relationship and codependency issues via telephone or Skype. She specializes in helping men and women trying to break free of an abusive relationship, cope with the stress of an abusive relationship or heal from an abusive relationship. Coaching individuals through high-conflict divorce and custody cases is also an area of expertise. She combines practical advice, emotional support and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Schedule a Session page for more information.
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Very well said, Dr T!! I may print this out and hand it to the judge at my next Modification hearing!
Good luck, CO RIDER! I hope it goes well for you. Unfortunately, most judges don’t like to have the injustices they perpetrate pointed out to them.
That is a great idea CO_RIDER, I wish every S4M community member could send this to their respective jurisdiction’s judges without repercussions for Dr.T. I don’t want to cause any more hate mail law suits for Dr. T.
Perhaps the production of a form letter that would not publicize Dr. T or this site is in order? I know it would only be a small nick in the double standards shield of today’s court systems but as an engineer I know that many small nicks can eventually result in producing a large crack and ultimately a total failure.
Hi Chris117,
There wouldn’t be repercussions for me from family court, but there may be repercussions for men who point out the courts double standards and other biased practices, not to mention violations of due process.
If you think any of my articles can help you, by all means use them — just clear it with your attorney first.
“It’s necessary to recognize that male abuse exists. Such abuse happens every day, but this is not a conversation America is ready to have. As a result of that silence, we have an invisible epidemic. As a culture we lack the language to describe it, we can’t recognize it and we’re unwilling to confront the implications of it.”
Dr. T is getting the world educated…one day at a time!
Thanks, IG. Don’t know if that’s true, but even if this website can make just a few people aware of these issues who in turn make a few more people aware, that’d be great.
I do agree that men become the scapegoat. Various high profile cases of late drive home the point that if you want to discredit a man, then accuse him of some form of sexual abuse. It doesn’t seem to matter, once the accusation has been made, whether it’s true or not; the damage is done, a career, a life has been discredited, the damage is done. I think in some, or maybe many, instances of couples counseling, it is the assumption that if a woman makes a complaint it must be true and then the focus will be on what the man did, how he needs to change, what’s wrong with him, or the idea that men are barely civilized and what do you expect. Not only do family law and domestic violence arenas need to change (along with couples counseling where I think an abused man can become the unwitting object of more abuse via the counselor who misreads the situation or is too weak to stand up and say what it is that’s happening) but I think men themselves need to be able to recognize they are being abused. If a man can’t say it out loud, can’t find a way to admit that he’s being abused, then it will be even harder for these other systems to change and recognize that men can be abused and that women can be abusers. I described to a woman I know, behavior that a man I know receives from the significant other female in his life. My friend refused to believe it was abuse, stating instead that the woman I was describing was merely mean and controlling, not abusive. I replied that someone who is mean and controlling is being abusive but she seemed unable and unwilling to see it that way.
False abuse/rape allegations seem to have become the modern day witch hunt.
You write:
“I think in some, or maybe many, instances of couples counseling, it is the assumption that if a woman makes a complaint it must be true and then the focus will be on what the man did, how he needs to change, what’s wrong with him, or the idea that men are barely civilized and what do you expect. . . I think an abused man can become the unwitting object of more abuse via the counselor who misreads the situation or is too weak to stand up and say what it is that’s happening)”
This is, sadly, a very accurate description of what goes on in many a couples/marriage counseling session. It’s one of the reasons Shrink4Men exists.
You Write:
“I think men themselves need to be able to recognize they are being abused. If a man can’t say it out loud, can’t find a way to admit that he’s being abused, then it will be even harder for these other systems to change and recognize that men can be abused and that women can be abusers.”
This is also spot on.
The example you mention of the female friend denying the fact that women can be abusers is all too common. It’s also very frustrating. It seems many women believe they’re betraying “the sisterhood” by acknowledging the bad behaviors of other women. If women won’t hold other women accountable, we’ve got a long uphill battle.
I have a friend who is a psychologist and she refuses to believe that men can be abused. Her take on the matter is that a man who complains of being abused is simply looking for sympathy and an excuse for an affair. If some (indeed many) psychologists believe this, what hope is there for abused men?
I wonder if psychologists are still thinking of abuse only as what happens when someone attacks physically (and I do understand that some women do that, though I suspect an even larger number are verbally, financially, and emotionally abusive) and if so that does make it quite difficult for an abused man to get help. So then it’s like the man gets abused twice, once by his significant other and then by failing to get support he needs and deserves from a person who is supposed to be able to help and instead allows him to continue being abused or possibly identifying him as the problem when he’s not, primarily.
Psychologists recognize all forms of abuse, but many therapists don’t like to acknowledge abuse when a woman is the perpetrator.
You’re correct in your observation that when a therapist invalidates an abused man’s experience, he’s twice abused. Infuriating.
Thats’ her professional opinion? Her group therapy sessions must be a real hoot. Did she sleep through the class on projection? Did she get her degree from some advertisement she found in the back of Cosmo?
One would hope her degree is from The Cosmopolitan School of Psychology online learners program, but she probably attended a mainstream, accredited program. Very scary.
It’s frightening that this biased bigot is in the helping profession.
It used to be that psychology grad students had to attend therapy as part of their training. One of the reasons for doing so was to help illuminate blind spots, sore spots, biases held due to one’s experiences and what potential countertransference issues may arise. Unfortunately, most programs no longer require this and/or have become so infiltrated with feminized psychologists that they’d just promulgate more of this garbage.
Seems to sum things up for me.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WsF68eVPHck&feature=youtube_gdata_player
I agree that women are treated differently by society. I’m all for equality between genders. Perhaps men need to organize and fight for Men’s rights like women successfully did during the last century. I don’t think a majority of women are just going to suddenly rise up against this unjustness. At least there are a few, Thanks Dr Tara!
Women care. Women with sons, brothers, grandsons, nephews, and husbands/boyfriends with abusive exes care and are plenty angry about these injustices.
Like any big societal change, it will take a critical mass before anything is done by legislators to make laws and family court more balanced.
“Men rarely get the, “Poor man. What you did is technically a crime, but we understand because you were abused as a child and your wife verbally abused you, so it’s not really your fault. Enough scolding. Big hug and off to community counseling with you. Oh, and you get to keep custody of the children even though you deny access to their mother and have been practicing a campaign of parental alienation for the last 5 years,” that women often receive in criminal and family courts.”
IT HAPPENS YOUD BE SUPRISED,
Im a woman and I have been through pretty much this situation but in reverse and the statement above well several of those things have happened to me.
After I split with my ex partner about 5 years ago he turned mine and my sons life into a living hell.
Following a campaign of harrassment, being dragged through the court system and threatened with being dragged through the court syatem again he started making referrals to social services even though he was guilty of neglect himself. 3 years down the line I am accused of neglect which is crap I had health problems and struggled to keep my house quite up to scratch but it was never squalid. he doesnt pay maitenance. I am accused of emotional abuse by social services even though this is what my partner has done to my son for years. Since I have known my partner he has had 7 suicide attempts. Every single one followed me splitting with him. When I split with him for good there were three in a row in the space of six months. Yet social services have never pulled his mental health file.. When we went to court before cafcass officers tried to blame his suicides on me saying the relationship must have been volatile!! Yes it was because of him!!!
He has managed to convince cafcass officers, social workers, female police women, female teacher, school family liaion officers. You name it. He is brilliant at manipulating the oppositte sex, completely adept at it and because of this I am always made to look the bad guy plus women are more naturally sympathetic especially the ones in the professions I mentioned so they are constantly trying to ‘understand’ him. When all there is to understand is that he is an ahole.
And yes he was abused as a child, horrifically, obviously not his fault. But I get abused by him for years and suffer domestic violence and yet he gets all the couselling. As for being given custody, no not yet thank god. But On the child protection report, yes largely due to his constant referrals and the complete hysteria of my previous social worker my children are now on the child protection register my previous socila worker was suggesting that maybe my eldest son could eventually go to live with his father. I have two baby twins sons, my ex has kept making referrals despite knowing that this would have a detrimental affect on them. He doesnt give a damn. He doesnt even want my son either he took me to court for PR but now he has it as sooon as I ask for his help or assistance in any matter to do with my son its too much trouble. The previous social worker also told us that she had turned up to my exs house several times before and he had missed meetings with them and had been drunk first thing in the morning.
Now he has moved in with one of my old best friends who I neither of us had seen for 6 years and had kids with her.
Anyway all Im saying is IT HAPPENS men can do it to and those that do do it very well. My ex from what I can see fits the mould for BPD/NPD but it seems to be lesser diagnosed in men or recognised that they can behave in this catty manner. Well I am just here to tell you that in politically correct England we very much seem to be for fathers rights these days..
Especailly in a system that is FULL of women who want to be sympathetic and seen to be doing the right thing and yet constantly judging there fellow woman and very badly, That over the last 5 years is what I have observed.
But to me it isnt about men it isnt about women.. it is about disfuctional human beings and the unfortunate children who get caught in the middle..
Please excuse the spelling mistakes in the above it was rather rushed with two small children crawling round.
It does seem that the bullies are the ones who always get away with it, regardless of gender. It’s sickening.
My DH would be the last person in the world to admit to having been abused by his Ex wife. Despite the fact that she did physically assault him, drained the bank accounts continuously, and called him a “loser” for not making enough money to feed her habit. Not surprisingly, she, to this day (11 years later), tells anyone and everyone who will listen, that SHE was the one who was abused. And she believes it, too. The fact that he finally had enough and left makes her the victim, FOREVER.
Another good article Dr. T.
Also Dr T, if you get to read this at somepoint I could really use some advice from you!! I have sent you a message to your email adddress about the problems Ive had and also tried to post it in contacts but it got removed..
I realise you normally advise men but thought you would be able to help me. I am not interested in the selfpitying approach taken by domestic violence forums for women what I really need is som e practical common sense advice and your site is the best Ive come across.. Unfortunately its not meant for women. If you cant advise me could you possibly point me in the direction of a good website that could advise me. thanks very much.
I had to pull out the dictionary the other day and did a quick check.
In the 2001 edition of Webster’s II New College Dictionary, you can find the definition of “misogyny” (hatred of women) but not the definition of “misandry”(hatred of men).
Obviously, if you can’t find it in the dictionary, it doesn’t exist, right?
I had to pull out the dictionary the other day and did a quick check.
In the 2001 edition of Webster’s II New College Dictionary, you can find the definition of “misogyny” (hatred of women) but not the definition of “misandry”(hatred of men).
Obviously, if you can’t find it in the dictionary, it doesn’t exist, right?
My BPD ex wife is a professional victim. She plays this role better than anyone I know. She’s also been playing it for as long as I’ve known her. She fooled me. Heck I married her! She also fooled the judge in my divorce trial. She teamed up with a rather slimey but very talented attorney who worked this with great success in my divorce trial. They presented absolutlely zero evidence, but just a huge collection of accusations designed to attack my character. Sadly, the judge bought it all. The judge didn’t need any evidence. The judge was playing the role of white knight coming to the rescue of this damsel in distress. It also helps that my ex wife is white, very pretty, very smart, and very articulate. What became crazy was once the accusations were made by her attorney, the judge took over the cross examination of me. When he was presented with hard evidence which showed that the accusations were lies (tax records, pay stubs, college transcripts, photograhs, and even conflicting testimony by my ex on the witness stand) he just threw it out or deemed it to not be significant. It didn’t fit his preconceived mental picture. She was the victim and I was the big bad meanie. To him it was simple. He didn’t need any evidence. He didn’t want any evidence. He especially didn’t want any evidence that was in conflict with his predetermined mental picture. There is a huge gender bias in our legal system. It is especially bad when there are slimey attorneys and women who are willing to work this advantage and truly expoit it to their benefit with total disregard to what is right or what is true. The system is not fair. It’s not even close to being fair.
This was so well written. I feel that it’s the story of my life right now. I’m about to go to my first divorce hearing. My wife will undoubtedly be playing the card that she is a victim of abuse. I fortunately have the personal support of a very loving and stable family behind me. We’ve all been witness to her madness. However, I don’t know to what extent the court will help me if what you say is true. If she makes up ‘anything’ to get custody, I will likely wind up a victim. I honestly just don’t know what to do. When is anger valid? Frankly, one would be crazy or unhealthy not to get angry under certain circumstances. Anger is treated as a problem at times when it is a result of the problem. Some angry people write songs to deal with it. anyhow, I need a crystal ball.
Dr. T,
I’m worried about the absurd amount of these crazy bitches, since I have seen a fair share of them personally. Do you have any idea of how frequent these high conflict disorders are? Are these people really resistant to treatment?
I had a lot of teachers who probably had something like that and I gained a shitload of psychological traumas in the process, since they always said a lot of feminist slogans to me and my friends, accusing us of being a bunch of violent animals and saying that woman should rule the world. My conduct during every classroom was nearly perfect since I was born and yet I was constantly yelled at, I just got over it recently (near my 26 year birthday).
I always suffered from absurdly low self-esteem because a lot of things, including this and consistent bullying. I could even partially blame this lack of self-esteem as the reason for ending up with a borderline who triggered an anxiety attack on me, so I dumped her, read your site among other great resources on the internet and now I’m really ok.
I mean, how many other people suffered with this kind of bullshit? My self-esteem was so low that I considered myself to be a huge pile of shit even after achieving REALLY great things. This makes me wonder how these crazies spread their evil through the world without conscience.
Dr. T,
I forgot to say that my mother is a kindergarten teacher, she does an amazing job with her students, leaves everyone happy and her class is always under control so she can teach her students in peace.
The problem is that her workmates don’t have the same capability, their classes are pure and complete chaos and nobody learns shit. So far, besides them being incompetent, no harm done.
But instead of learning how to teach, they resorted to bully my mother! I swear I’m not rationalizing this shit, this is a case of grown-up adults being bullied. Even pedagogic coordinators with a strange glaze (something between crazy and moronic) threaten her to submission using shaming tactics.
Most of these women are single, anxiety-ridden and simply incapable of learning anything, sometimes their students (which are a bunch of 5 year olds) give them advice on how to behave, such as: You shouldn’t leave everyone jumping over the tables, If someone mocks you, don’t mock back, …
I mean… what can be done with this army of incompetent adult bullies? Is this completely unfixable?
what do we do if in the middle of this situation, or if it is “looming?” do you have specific suggestions?
Great article Dr T. I have asked this over on the forum as well, but have you noticed any improvement with the courts, judges, etc that maybe they are seeing though womens BS? My boyfriend had a surprising victory with his cluster B ex-wife (judge laughed at her and said “your not getting spousal support”, she left him 10 years ago to shack up with a guy 10 years her jr) another good friend has one full cusotdy of his son after the court was supplied with full paper, video, phone and email evidence of the crazy that this woman is.
But I have also talked to countless guys that have heard all the horror stories about what dads go trhough in court and dont even want to try, because they figure there is no hope.
So, do you think judges have become more aware of high conflict mothers (and a few fathers)?
Hi Jenny,
I’m unaware of empirical evidence that shows judges are becoming wise to this. I’ve heard some anecdotal evidence, but I think judges who are savvy to this are the exception rather than the norm. Worst of all are the judges who know, but don’t care. They award the mothers the children and houses because that’s what they’ve always done. It’s like they’re on auto pilot. Very frustrating.
Idealy I guess it would be nice to see some kind of manditory family court training on these kinds of issues (dealing with high conflict people, recognizing personality disorders, etc). But, I am sure that most judges are just so used to it,they think it is the norm.
My good friend that I mentioned earlier, he had been so stressed out about his upcoming court date and thought for sure he was going to get screwed. The weekend before I took him out to get his mind off it, we went to a show and ended up talking to 2 (women) retired family attorneys, told them all about his case and asked them about the judge he had, these two woman assured my friend that this female judge is no nonsence and very very fair and partial to fathers. Turns out they were right. She put that woman in her place and her attorney had no choice but to agree (she is on attorney # 3 now, which doesnt surprise anyone).
Hi Dr. T,
Boy does this sound familiar. My friend’s final divorce ruling was an absolute disaster. I have known this man for over 25 years and he is the nicest guy and best father and wanted nothing but to settle his divorce amicably. Instead his very difficult ex-wife got herself an aggressive, enabling attorney and made his life a living nightmare. First thing when the lawyer got on board they tried to put a restraining order on my friend. Luckily the judge in the emergency hearing didn’t buy her nonsense and didn’t grant the restraining order. After that her lawyer insisted my friend no longer communicate with his wife directly, but only through attorneys, driving expenses through the roof. They threatened to take him to court for harassment if he did not comply with their demands. Anyway, long story short, the male judge totally bought her routine as victim. She cried in court about all kinds of things and made all kinds of unsubstantiated claims about my friend. My friend’s lawyer was worried about bashing the wife too much because he was afraid the judge wouldn’t like it, so my friend took the high road and just tried to defend himself. The wife was awarded two houses and not ordered to refinance either of them, she gets 6 years of maintenance for a 14 year marriage, and worst of all she got her parenting plan, which basically is the standard every other weekend dad parenting plan. My friend walked away with his retirement, an old car, and no other current assets. Besides child support and maintenance, he also has to pay for his children to continue to attend their expensive schools. He cannot even afford to live in his own place and is currently living with his sister. It was clear from the judge’s comments in his “findings” that he seriously disliked my friend for some reason. Even his lawyer was absolutely stunned. This is a father who was always present for his children, made their breakfasts and lunches and took them to school every day, never missed a game or recital or doctor’s appointment or school function, coached their sports teams, you name it. The kids are desperate to see their dad more. I think he is the more nurturing parent, as his ex wife is very cold. I don’t understand how an incredible, involved, loving dad gets the same parenting plan as a dad who doesn’t even give a rip. My friend did not want primary custody. He just wanted equal time. And how is it in the children’s best interests that they stay in their house and their schools, but not see their father, who they adore? This post doesn’t even begin to tell the story of all the things his ex put him through in the long two years of their separation and divorce. There were so many times when he was absolutely stunned at the things she was alleging and the demands she made. He tried to do the right thing every step of the way and it got him no where. I think he may have been better off with a female judge, but I guess we will never know. I am a mother and I am appalled at the way his ex treated him in front of the kids and the fact that she would refuse for the children to spend more time with their father, when they were begging her repeatedly to do so. She is not a good mom in my book.
How could she be a good mom when she is a bad person? She has no respect for anyone, especially her kids’ feelings.
Your story sounds absolutely familiar to me too! Sadly, I can relate to it all too well. The system is seriously flawed. In California, the system relies on the judges to really do their job well, because there really isn’t any oversight. If you run into a bad judge who ignores evidence, doesn’t apply the law equally or fairly, let’s his own personal emotions slant his decisions, there really isn’t much recourse. Very likely, the judge just gets away with it without so much as anyone even telling him that he was wrong. You can object to the judge’s bad decisions, but the very same judge can easily deny all of your objections without any justification or reasoning. If you decide to appeal your decision, this is often cost prohibitive and exceptionally difficult to win. The burden of proof is extremely shifted. You are now guilty until proven without a shadow of a doubt that you are innocent. Depending upon how the judge writes up his decision, only certain mistakes by him can be appealed. There really needs to be a better way to remove bad judges and to provide for some oversight to insure that all judges do their jobs as properly intended by the public.
I just finished a 26 week course called Life Skills. (Life Skills International) It was founded by Dr. Paul Hegstrom. There was a movie about him starring John Ritter. He was severely sexually abused as a child and was abusive as an adult. In efforts to overcome his abuse and get his family back, he formulated this so called christian based program which is now called Life Skills. I was abused by my father growing up so I entered this program in hopes it would help me. I also have been a regular visitor to this wonderful website Shrink4Men. Sadly even though there is some valuable information in Life skills, Dr. Paul has CLEARLY been Dr. Phil-ed. The curriculum’s main philosophy and flavor is – Men are the perpetrators and women are the victims. They offered a statistic that 95% of all abuse is from men to women. I questioned this number in class and was told that in order for Dr. Paul’s program to have credibility in the main stream, it must portray men in the same way this society views men. I appears that Dr Paul has a political and financial agenda disguising it as a program to help people. I am all about taking personal responsibility as a man and as a human being but this program unfortunately follows the American cultural standard that vilifies men and rationalizes the abuse of women. I have gotten more understanding and healing from this site than the 26 week course costing over $1200. Thank you!! Dr. T have you every heard of Dr. Paul Hegstrom or the Life Skills program?
You are getting the message out, Dr T.
I just saw this quote by you in a Huffington Post article (linked by Reddit), regarding the subject of men being society’s new scapegoats.
“Some women are coached to make false allegations of domestic violence, rape and child abuse,” says Dr. Tara Palmatier, the no-nonsense founder of A Shrink 4 Men, in an email exchange with me. ”
source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/vicki-larson/men-accused-of-abuse_b_884660.html
I saw the same article! Some very interesting remarks in the “comments” section!
I just read this news article, which I think is pertinent to this topic:
http://www.smh.com.au/world/wife-accused-of-murder-plot-in-catwoman-suit-20110719-1hnab.html
Just because she didn’t go through with deed doesn’t make it OK. Attempted murder charge may be dropped because she didn’t go through with it. But she had PLANNED and INTENDED to do it, had even tried to pay a hit man. She is one scary woman!