Remember back in the 1980s when sitcom character, Diane (Shelley Long), had Sam (Ted Danson) arrested on Cheers to try to force him to propose to her a second time after she turned him down the first time? Well, in an instance of life imitating art, a 40-year old Chicago woman recently tried to have her boyfriend arrested in order to coerce him into marrying her.
Being 40 and unmarried isn’t enough of an emergency to warrant a 911 call, a lesson one Chicago woman may have learned the hard way.
Police say Ana Perez called 911 Sunday night and told police her boyfriend was beating her.
“Officers learned she was lying,” said officer Mike Sullivan. “She called 911 to force her boyfriend to ask her to marry him.”
But rather than a diamond ring, police say Perez got a misdemeanour charge of disorderly conduct.
Sullivan said phony 911 calls get in the way of real police work.
“For all the severe calls we get, to get something like this is not good.”
Call me not crazy, but if you have to threaten your boyfriend with jail in order to get him to marry you, he’s probably not the right guy for you. What is it with women who view 911 and law enforcement as their go-to option when they’re angry, disappointed or can’t get their way? They’re like 3-year olds who run to a parent or teacher because, “Billy won’t play with me! Wahhhhhhhhhhhh! Make him play with me!!!!!”
Guess what ladies, if you’re boyfriend doesn’t want to marry you, it’s not a criminal offense. Furthermore, maybe one of the reasons he doesn’t want to marry you is because, oh, I don’t know, you think it’s acceptable to call 911 on him because you’re not getting your way or he disagrees with you about something or doesn’t jump when you bark commands at him. When women make bogus 911 calls for these reasons, I think police should do what parents of petulant, out-of-control toddlers do: Put the offending woman in timeout, i.e., a jail cell cot, and then make her prove she understands what constitutes a legitimate 911 call before she’s released.
When I was a child, I learned that 911 is for emergency/criminal/life threatening situations and that you can get into trouble for calling 911 for non-emergency situations. Ask any 5-year old. I’d wager that most of them understand when and why you call 911. At least Ms Perez is facing some legal consequences. And, if her boyfriend has any sense, he’ll not only not marry her, but end the relationship altogether and get a restraining order. Definitely an, “I don’t!”
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Dr Tara Palmatier says
By the way, thanks for the link, A! Unbelievable.
Run Forrest – RUN…..
I have $1 that says they reconcile and he marries her anyway. Even if he was balking, the situation had been allowed to get sufficiently out of control to allow her to think she it would work and/or she’d get away with it.
Dr Tara Palmatier says
Sheesh, I hope you’re wrong, Mellaril. FYI, major red flag: If your wife or fiancee tries to get you arrested because she’s angry/disappointed with you, you, your freedom, your assets and your life are in jeopardy. Get out and stay out and stay far, far away.
I hope I’m wrong, too. But, as we’re both well aware, people (myself included) who are susceptible to Cluster Bs have an amazing capacity for rationalization, denial, and acting against our own best intersts. It just wouldn’t surprise me if he did end up marrying her.
Dr Tara Palmatier says
You’ve gotta point, sadly…
Theres a show that comes on the local Fox affliliate down here called JAIL. Its kinda like Cops. Camera crews visit different jails around the country and film the going’s on.
At least every two or three episodes theres a 20 something or 30 somthing woman whos been arrested and not too happy about it. Usually the spoiled brat / personality disordered / false accusation type throwing one hell of a tantrum.
Its so entertaining to see them get their just desserts, the jailors have no patience for their manipulations and BS. Theyre often put in the restraint chair, or locked in a soundproof cell or hog-tied until they calm down.
If only we could handle them the same way.. sigh..
And playing that “victim” role like a cheap violin. There used to be a place for these types…it was called a “state hospital”.
Ron On Drums says
I have seen a similar show. I was also a cop in the Air Force many years ago. We once had this lady in holding because she got caught shoplifting in the BX. Since she was a civilian (her husband was AF) we were waiting for the local PD to come pick her up. Well her husband shows up so we let him talk to her outside the holding cell.
All of a sudden we hear this woman SCREAMING every obsenity in the book. So we go back & she is yelling at him “THIS IS YOUR FAULT YOU ^%$#@(! If you werent so cheap and bought me that diamond neckless I wanted for Christmas I wouldn’t have had to STEAL one. NO you spent over $500 on YOUR &%$#! brat kid & didn’t even spend a hundred on ME!!!!”
Oh by the way. It was her brat kid too! This poor guy comes out from the back & says “can you guys delay the city PD from picking her up long enough for me to pack up me & the kid & leave? We called them & asked them to wait 8-10hours to pick her up..lol
LT Greenwald says
Regarding the photo: When a shotgun wedding isn’t in the cards, try resorting to a semi-automatic assault rifle wedding.
Dr Tara Palmatier says
Groannnnnn. Just another Arizona bride (not funny).
Dr Tara Palmatier says
Thanks for the head’s up. I appreciate it. I’ve been asked to remove images before and it hasn’t been a problem. The issue is, many stockphoto sites, well, they look like stockphotos. Not sure what the original source for this image is as it’s on several sites.
that picture makes me laugh, for some reason…
I keep seeing previews for shows like “Rich Bride, Poor Bride” and “Bridezilla” and the like…I have no interest in watching the programs, but I keep thinking that I hope by the end of them, the fiances decide…”Um…you know what…um…yeah…I need to run out to the store for…uh…a quart of milk…yeah….” UGH!!!
Of course, I’m no one to talk. I wrote out just some of the stuff that my AXH1 did to me, and re-read it recently (hadn’t realized I’d kept it all these year)…and shook my head, what was I thinking?!? Maybe that’s a sign of greater health these days to see how screwed up I was.
Natalie Malonis says
He’s just not that into you …..
It is hard to fathom, but this kind of thing does happen — probably more often than most people believe possible. It’s just a non-physical use of force.
The thought that a woman would have to SCARE a man into marrying her is beyond twisted.
Dr Tara Palmatier says
“It’s just a non-physical use of force.” So true, Natalie.
These women will use any opening they can to con a man into marriage. They usually just find a weakness and exploit that and it doesn’t get to this level. A common one would be “No one else will ever love you or marry you because … (insert weakness or insecurity here).”
…and then there’s always the old tried and true, “Why, yes, honey, I’m still taking my birth control…we don’t need condoms!”
If she normally loathes sex with you, or gives it begrudgingly, then all of a sudden, becomes Ms. Porn Queen…you are right to feel apprehensive.
You mentioning the women’s abuse shelters reminded me of a job I inquired about last summer. I was pretty desperate for work and called an abusive shelter that was hiring. The lady handed the phone off to someone else who asked who I was and stated “We’re a women’s only shelter, we don’t hire men.” There may have been a more specific reason for not hiring my gender other than the fact itself but I always thought it was interesting. Men really don’t have a lot of options to get away.
My BPD ex tried to use the police to coerce me in a slightly different way. As part of our divorce, we were dividing up the inventory of our home per our court order. Since we were in agreement with most of the items from the inventory list, we had scheduled a weekend for me to move my undisputed items out of the house. Oddly, some of the items of the home “just happened to disappear” or somehow “never existed” when the contents of the home (which she occupies) were inventoried. When I showed up to the house, I noticed that the police were waiting in a squad car at the curb for me. As soon as I stepped out of my truck, my ex came running out of the house pleading with the police officer to make me sign documents stating that I was fine with the inventory list and agreeing with her that items that disappeared never actually existed. I refused because I said that was not true and I wasn’t going to sign any documents like that which we both knew to be false. I assured the police officer that I didn’t desire to cause any trouble, but just to move my things out of the house which had both previously agreed to have done. By the way, most of my stuff had been held hostage by my ex for over a year while we were litigating our divorce. The police officer could see that I wasn’t any trouble and was just being reasonable. He actually told my ex that he didn’t see any problem with what I was doing and left the scene rather frustrated with my ex. He told my ex that this really wasn’t a matter to involve the police. Long story short, I’m not surprised in the slightest that a cluster B would try to use the police to coerce someone so that they could get their way. These people have no sense of empathy and fairness and a huge sense of self centered entitlement.
Dr Tara Palmatier says
If you have to go back at some point to collect more possessions, I’d consider calling the police ahead of time and request that a peace officer be present next time because you’re worried about your wife and false allegations. You’re lucky her maneuver backfired on her this time. Also, always, always have a copy of the court order/property settlement with you in these situations.
Your last sentence pretty much hit the nail on the head. I am in a new situation with a BPD woman. She is a roommate who lives in the house I reside in. She lived here when I first moved in, but moved back after she left her fiance for another man. While she was with her ex, I became friends with them at the home he rented and fixed up for her, and the future that he thought he was going to have with this creature.
A few months after their break-up, she threatened to call the police on him over a cable box, that at the time, he was willing to give to her, but did not want her in the house. When he wouldn’t let her enter the house herself to get it, she threatened to call the police. She never did, but instead waited until he was gone and entered his house illegally to get the box.
Since she bullied her way back into this house, I have had the pure joy of living with her. I was never asked by the homeowner if it was okay that she takes over the living room as her bedroom, and allow for her new boyfriend to stay here nightly, while I have to work from home less than 10 feet away from the abusers living/bedroom. Nor does the homeowner intervene.
I don’t say anything because I know these types of personalities have no limit to what they are willing to do get their way. In the comment area of another Dr. T. article it was referenced that people who grow up in these similar situations either become the ‘abuser’ or the ‘abusee’ in most of their adult relationships. I am once again in a situation where I am muffled due to the whims and inconsistencies of the BPD mind. It sucks, but you really have to watch your back with these types.
One thing that amazes me is the length they will go to to get the ring on their finger. Manipulations, lies, sex, promises, whatever it takes…they think being married to you will cure them of all their ills.
But then when they DO seal the deal, all of a sudden, is a 180 and they have no interest in you anymore (split black)…probably rage you didnt ‘fix’ them with the commitment. My ex started cheating on me 6 months after our wedding, and claimed she didnt ‘believe’ in marriage or relationships. (and this woman is also a COUPLES therapist herself). She refused to end affair, but didnt want a divorce. she wanted me to just wait around indefinitely (years, she stated) while she left me and figured herself out.
and then, after i finally filed for divorce. she did the same thing as commenters above. went after my $, my stuff, threats, things ‘disappearing’, completely paranoid behavior, rage.
and she is the one who left me! but the good news is, i learned her tricks of ‘intimidation’ (guilt, accusations, threats) and stopped giving in. that was the day i finally got a backbone and stopped feeling sorry for her and her ‘hard childhood’. she even admitted at one point she had ‘no empathy’. (im like…um. arent you a therapist? dont you know that is the MAIN sign of a personality disorder and or/sociopathic behavior?)
Dr Tara Palmatier says
Wow, wow and wow. She’s a couples therapist? Sadly, not that surprising.
“(S)He who can, does. (S)He who cannot, teaches.”
Bernard Shaw (1856–1950). Man and Superman. 1903.
Maxims for Revolutionists
never again says
Dr. T, is that about the normal time frame for an N/BPD to “split black”? Inside the first year after full commitment?
In my case, it was 10 months after our marriage. Coincidentally right after I had transferred all of my personal assets (house, income property) into both our names.
I remember her being very intent on us being married, and given how amazing she was to that point, I wasn’t about to argue. Who would? Beautiful, intelligent, sexy woman from a rich family. Sign me up!!
never again: mine did the same thing. the emotional affair was about 6 months in. the physical about 10 months in. (we had previously been dating 5 years). I had finally transferred all my assets/$ into joint names, etc. (i was reluctant for years, which she hated bc she said ‘i didnt trust her’). and then bam, when i do…it was the worst thing to have to unentangle. I think she thought it was another way to have my firm commitment…(so that i would not go anywhere and she could feel safe to ‘let loose’, be her ‘true’ self and do whatever she wanted).
mine was also extraordinarily beautiful, smart, and seemingly professional, friendly, caring. ‘perfect’, if you will. everyone thought so anyway. everyone except people who know her well (of whom there are not many bc she has zero long term friends…now i see why).
but when i look back, there were signs. and i think thats why i waited so long to propose. i wasnt sure about her (and honestly felt guilty about that fact at the time!).
dr t: yes, she recentely got her doctorate and wrote her dissertation on a certain type of couples therapy she was passionate about and practiced at the time. but once she started her affair with her non-white affair partner, she decided she was over couples work, and all she cared about was anti-racism work…since that is what new person was passionate about.
so who knows what the hell she does professionally now. ive cut off all contact with her. but yes, a therapist she is and she refused to even go to couples therapy. we went like 3 times, and once the therapist held her accountable for her actions, my ex stormed out and said ‘i hate her im never going back’.
she then accused me of being ‘unsupportive’ of her, because i didn’t support her cheating on me. and that if i really loved her i would let her go figure it out and lie and cheat, and then come back. that would mean i really loved her. (except for the small fact that if i DID do that, neither of us could ever respect me).
its kind of the thing with them: “i dont want to belong to any club that would have me as a member.”
i used to hate the affair partner (who is *also* a therapist, also attended my wedding), but now i know they are both in for a world of suffering down the line, if not already.
their inner lives are so miserable that the true revenge really is a life well-lived on my part.
never again says
Wow, ttsp, you could have written my story, except my NPD’s betrayal was with her horses, not an affair. Hurts just as much.
She would also avoid going to counselling at all cost, and the times that I was able to convince her, she would bail after the 2nd or 3rd session, saying that she didn’t like the counsellor, or I wasn’t working hard enough on my “stuff”. Actually, it was because she knew the counsellor was getting her number.
I agree with the life well lived part. Difficult, because she destroyed me financially, but I’ve taken more travel vacations in the last 10 months than I ever have in my life. Leaving again in 2 weeks!
B Experienced says
Being a legend in their own mind (Narcissism)really works well for the B’s. Their grandiosity never ceases to amaze me. I can be anything! Nobody can be everything or anything. First you have to have what it takes. Individual genetic design alone doesn’t allow us to be able to be anything we want to be. People who want to be surgeons have to have the “hands” for it using the word they use. When I hear that, my number 1 Red Flag for Narcissism goes up.
The Cluster B, some C and A, DID “psycho” therapist I had was a Family Therapist and talked about how she pretended to choke her father to death in her “therapy” with another crazy “psycho” therapist as well as how she would or could knock off her sons. She ended up on Stellazine(anti psychotic) because she wanted to kill her “married” lover for cheating on her by smashing into his car with hers. He was a therapist too! She prompted a para suicide rescue and seduction ploy after the Stellazine kicked in and calmed her booty down by telling her shrink that she wanted a man to come and take her away because she was in sooo much pain, or die. He was married too! He told her there are no rescuers; yet he is supposed to be trained to rescue someone! The psychiatrist who medicated her allowed her out there in that bad of shape to work as a psychotherapist and the obvious trait display. Physicians can’t hold a license on an antipsychotic and yet he lets an LCSW out there on one.
Literally a trainwreck of fools in so called Mental Health Land. They ought to all write a book called, “I’m Dysfunctional,Your Dysfunctional and How We Licensed N’s In The Field Get Away With It All”. Volume II could be “Legion-How We Plan On Reversing The Universe One Disordered Therapist at A Time”. Vol III could be “We Are Now Certain The Field Is Sane And You Have The Problem.” Now I know yet another reason why this field is called the field of Narcissism.
Boy, what a surprise that her married lover cheated on her. I never would have guessed! Then she claimed to love her father dearly as well as “nurturing” her sons. One son was suicidal in his 20’s with OCPD, and the other one was a genious and had psychotic features with PTSD. Her actually voice in his head used to say “Stupid Kid” every time he walked into a board meeting; yet she called him that when he was a kid. She told him that was a long time ago and wasn’t even alarmed by the pathology. If all that doesn’t contradict itself and send a psychopathic chill down your spine, I don’t know what does!
Closure at last says
Boy, how can one even tell these days who’s a real psycho! While this woman is openly and obnoxiously threatening, the even more manipulative and covert operatives are the ones who trap men into marriages through books like ‘the Rules’ (which guess what? that queen of daytime tv who will now have her own yap-channel openly promoted as a must-have for women!) and the other book ‘Why men marry bitches’ (which it seems is a bestseller translated in 30 diff. countries and a woman who was a marketing ceo actually gushed and told me once that it had helped her snag a husband. How pathetic!) It is so sad, so awful that GENUINE good-hearted, secure and rational women nowadays have these crazies PRETEND to be like them, so they can force-commit men. See what this male author has to say about not falling into these traps:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wf7fPlj1u1Q&feature=related
(Personally I loved the xkcd cartoon (titled ‘beautiful Dream’)which shows a female and male geek say that they wished all the women who read and followed the Rules paired up with all the men who swear by the techniques of the Game and left the rest of the straightforward people alone forever.)
never again says
Just got this by e-mail today – the ASK MEN site. Top 10 Scary Girlfriend Behaviours: http://ca.askmen.com/top_10/dating/top-10-scary-girlfriend-behaviors.html
Reads like PD101. Mine didn’t exhibit most of these until the “change” happened, but there were a couple flags along the way.