Inveterate, habitual liars, whether they’re personality disordered or not, follow predictable response patterns when they’re caught red-handed in their lies. They tell more lies, have a rage episode, play the victim or all three. There are different ways to play the victim.
Sometimes they cry and act pitiful, and/or conjure up psychosomatic symptoms. “I’m sick, therefore, you can’t be upset with me or hold me responsible.” Is it because they’re sorry for having deceived and hurt you? Or, is it because their lies and betrayals have been exposed? If the liar is behaving like the injured party rather than making amends to the person(s) they deceived, they’re not sorry they lied. They’re sorry they got caught. If you find yourself feeling sorry for the liar, it’s probably because you’re emotions are being manipulated. It’s not wrong to be angry or hurt about being deliberately deceived. Don’t fall for the switcheroo.
Sometimes liars feign anger, outrage and indignation when exposed. “How dare you catch my lies?! You’re the liar!” This form of gaslighting can have a crazy-making effect on the victim of the lies. No one makes anyone lie. People lie to manipulate others into doing tings they wouldn’t otherwise do, or to avoid the natural consequences of their behaviors. Exposing their perfidies isn’t an act of perfidy. When they try to make you the villain for exposing their lies, it’s they’re engaging in DARVO (deny, attack and reverse victim and offender).
Being a pathological liar doesn’t necessarily mean you’re personality disordered (e.g., narcissists, borderlines, histrionics and psychopaths). But if you’re personality disordered, odds are you’re a pathological liar. A lie is still a lie even if the liar convinces themselves it’s the truth.
Liars lie. They don’t change and they rarely feel remorse for lying. Instead, they feel angry or scared when they’re caught, just like children do. If you’re in a relationship with a woman or man who’s repeatedly lied to you, odds are you’re choosing to avoid the truth about them and the relationship. What does that get you?
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I am constantly amazed at how accurately you describe my STBX. She was able to avoid accountability for her entire life by doing this. Overcoming inertia to leave was very hard, but I am so glad I did it. I will never be abused ever again. Please continue helping people.
Yes, the inertia can be difficult to overcome for many reasons — fear, obligation and guilt typically. Also, living with these individuals is exhausting and often causes a sense of hopeless, powerlessness and despair. No wonder it’s so hard to launch oneself.
My stbx has turned full victim mode.
Its a long story, but in the last 12 months I have only been in my home for a total of 3 months due to injunctions based on false allegations
I have applied to court for access to my home & kids but she has now concocted even more lies in her response.
I have evidence so I’m ready this time. My lawyer has included information on BPD in our final statement. I know you advise not to do this, but the lawyer says the court needs to consider it
Right from the time she became aware I was on to her behaviours the victimhood has kicked in. Everything she has done has been projected at me
We aren’t at divorce yet. Judging by the last year that will be a hell of a ride
wow this describes my ex , after she cheated on me and i found out , she denied everything thing and distorted the truth of what happened then she did go full victim mode ………….
Yes, when confronted with their dishonesty they often deny, lie, cry/rage, blame shift. Glad she’s an ex.