The first thing that comes to mind is Admiral Ackbar, “It’s a trap!”
The second thing that comes to mind is the expression, “A day late and a dollar short.” Or a pound short, a euro short, a franc short, a drachma short, a doubloon short — you get the idea.
But wait! narcissists, borderlines, psychopaths and other abusers don’t apologize, right? Yes and no.
Admitting wrong doing definitely isn’t the norm, but sometimes they mouth the words, “I’m sorry.” However, that doesn’t mean the narcissist is genuinely remorseful. Truly being sorry means the person who has harmed you:
1) Recognizes what they’ve done that is hurtful. For example, lying to you, cheating on you, ridiculing you, etc.
2) Understands why it’s hurtful.
3) Feels bad about hurting you (this isn’t the same as feeling bad about being held accountable and experiencing consequences for being a shit).
4) Makes a conscious good faith effort not to hurt you in that way again.
Little kids apologize and often don’t really understand what they’re apologizing for or feel especially sorry about what they’re apologizing for. They know they’re in trouble with mommy or daddy and are supposed to say, “I’m sorry.” Once the child says sorry, mommy and daddy won’t be upset and they can be excused from time-out or get their toy back. Sorry is a magic word like please and thank you.
In my experience, narcissists, borderlines, histrionics, psychopaths and other abusive personalities typically apologize for similar reasons. They apologize to avoid unwanted consequences like being divorced, fired or publicly exposed, or to manipulate you into letting your guard down to get close enough to do you harm again.
If you’re still in a relationship with a narcissist or borderline and are struggling with self-doubt regarding whether they’re really sorry, ask them. Ask Nancy the Narcissist or Bobby the Borderline, “What are you sorry for?” Indicating an awareness that you’re upset doesn’t convey true understanding. Go deeper. Ask them to be more specific. “What did you do that hurt me?” Your narcissist might be able to answer that, but don’t get excited. If they know what they did to hurt you and did it anyway that’s not good.
The next question is, “Why was it wrong for you to do that?” If the narcissist or borderline hasn’t already said some version of “I’m sorry I hurt you, but here’s why it’s really your fault or random scapegoat’s fault . . . ” this is usually when it occurs. By the way, saying some version of “I’m sorry I hurt you, but here’s why it’s really your fault or random scapegoat’s fault . . . ” nullifies the entire apology. Game over.
I recently received the following Facebook message from “Sarah” about this topic. Sarah’s ex apologized to her after a considerable period of No contact. What should she do?
I just wanted to let you know I think your articles are awesome and spot on. Six years ago I had my share of bpd crazy and your site was a lifesaver. So thank you for that.
I have a quick question for you, last week I came home to find that my bpd x had dropped off old photos of me from years ago along with a card where she actually apologized to me. This is after 6 years of strict no contact! I guess what I’m asking is, is it wrong of me think she has an ulterior motive? I know she is still with the POS ex friend she cheated on me with, so I’m not sure why after all this time she has made contact again. I’d really appreciate some feedback. Thanks. Sorry to bother you.
My reply:
I’d be suspicious, too, but then I have joie de skepticism. If you really wonder if she’s changed or truly remorseful, can’t you give her the benefit of the doubt and forgive her *without* letting her back in your life, even to acknowledge it?
When you’re that much of a relentless asshole, a natural consequence is no one giving a shit/not trusting you even if you ever are actually sorry. It’s okay for you to protect yourself. That’s smart, not unkind given your history with her. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. In other words, don’t be Charlie Brown and believe Lucy won’t yank the football away again.
In my experience, narcissists and borderlines are repentant only when they’re scamming, or have fallen so low they’re feeling sorry for themselves, and not sorry they hurt you.
Sarah’s reply:
Thanks for the confirmation. I kinda figured that. I have no intention of bringing crazy back into my life!! Thanks again for your words of wisdom and your great site.
My response:
For what it’s worth, I’ve never regretted keeping those types of persons out of my life as much as I’ve regretted letting them back in.
Most of us are taught from an early age that we’re supposed to turn the other cheek and forgive. Forgiving a narcissist or borderline doesn’t mean you have to let them back into your life and allow them to hurt and abuse you again. Forgiveness is for you, not the narcissist. Forgive them if you want so that you’re not carrying around anger and resentment about what she or he did to you. You can forgive the rattlesnake who bit you while hiking. After all, it’s what rattlesnakes do if you get too close to them. That doesn’t mean you have to invite the rattlesnake into your home for tea and crumpets.
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Makes perfect sense, it’s all logical really.
My problem is that I’m not acting in a logical fashion. In fact not only would I be happy for my BPD wife to try things again (we’re 15 days LC) but I can see myself being the one to initiate it.
Why? I know what I’ve read. It all makes sense, she’s no good and will only be a drain on me in every possible way. We have a young baby, is that why I’m feeling drawn back in? Am I addicted to it all, addicted to the chemicals omitted in these ridiculous cycles. Or addicted to the brief and fleeting high that we could possibly have if we reconcile, possibly the sex (which isn’t all that special despite what people say about BPD sex). Reality is that no sooner than we would reconcile, I’d be back to square 1. Regretting it. Not happy. Mistreated. Not respected.
Very small part of me is thinking that if I’m compassionate and that I change tack things could change in the future. Possibly get her help. Some people say to give people with BPD more of a chance, not stigmatise them etc.
I’m beginnning to understand why they call them ‘crazy makers’. Today is a low day but tomorrow I’ll be back on form 🙂
Dude LISTEN to your heart and stay away. You will NEVER change a narcissist with love or compassion because they DO not understand it. They see it as weakness and will USE and MANIPULATE you and you won’t know it til it too late.
We respond to compassion in kind and when it’s not reciprocated we wonder what we did wrong because HEALTHY people don’t act that way.
After nearly losing everything I finally realized what she was but the toll was great including 5 arrests that she initiated with lies losing a job as a professor my daughter and nearly my sanity. You will NEVER change a narcissist because their needs WILL ALWAYS take precedence over yours and when they do it’s because you are being manipulated. You are worth a better person. She has led you to believe she is the best you can do. RUN NOW.
Asking for forgiveness is an oft misunderstood process. I believe the most important step is acknowledging what you’ve done. This is slightly different from your first item since it requires deeper introspection and may mean admitting to things which didn’t directly cause the hurt.
Both my mother and ex are incapable of doing this. When pushed they’ll snap “I’m sorry” and think that covers everything. My mom is now suffering from memory loss and I long gave up on my ex and deal with her only at a very superficial level.
Apologizing is a way to suck you back in. We call it “hoovering”. An apology is a relatively weak hoover –a love bomb is a stronger play.
My son has been no contact with his mother since 2012. We divorced in 2011, and I had to continue contact solely because of family court hearings. (Most recently, she spent 18 months in court trying to get me jailed for contempt of court. Naturally, I had to pay her legal fees as well as for own defense.)
His mother contacted him to apologize. The kicker is that she claimed his grandmother was dying. I calmly informed my son that this was a long time pattern. His grandmother first claimed to have “nearly died” with an alleged “heart attack” at age 50 –the near death experiences happened regularly whenever his grandmother needed people to visit and now she is 81 and going strong. My son was aware of only the last few years of this, but he did recall the many emergency trips to see his grandmother because was “our last chance before she dies”.
The upshot is that he did not break his no-contact rule and his grandmother, of course, is doing fine.
Succinct, and very useful article on the nature of rattlesnakes.