Dr. Tara Palmatier discusses Say Goodbye to Crazy. This video originally aired on March 24, 2015.
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Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD helps individuals work through their relationship and codependency issues via telephone or Skype. She specializes in helping men and women trying to break free of an abusive relationship, cope with the stress of an abusive relationship or heal from an abusive relationship. She combines practical advice, emotional support and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Schedule a Session page for professional inquiries.
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What do these type of women get out of it?
Is it only crazy because it is a logic that deviates from the norm?
Is it a biologically advantageous strategy? (gets all the resources + slave after slave)
Wow…the last words of your comment totally summarize my landlady: “get all the resources + slave after slave.” I’ve managed to avoid her extreme craziness for 2 years, mostly out of necessity because for a variety of reasons, moving would put an extraordinary amount of stress on my life and me right now. But it seems she goes off on me the most extremely when I can least deal with it. Currently, it’s while I’m in the midst of trying desperately to stockpile money by working as much as possible while the work is available…I’m freelance, and the work is definitely seasonal, and about to hit the zero work season. I’m also deep in dealing with a beloved pet’s bone cancer diagnosis and trying to round up funds for an amputation. So THIS is when she decides to threaten eviction and is forcing me to spend a ton of extra money fencing in an area for some livestock I own who she’s been plenty happy to have live with her livestock until yesterday, when *poof* all of a sudden, it was horrible, and I’m horrible for having “taken advantage” of her. What I think I hate most about dealing with her is how much of my precious energy, time, and money she literally SUCKS out of me. And I resent the hell out of her doing this to me when I really need to have my energies laser focused on earning money and loving my dog. I swear she’s turning me into an evil, vindictive person, because I seem to only feel better when I imagine horrible scenarios of her getting payback for HER evil, vindictive ways. Of course, I also suspect this was destined to happen because I figured her out years ago, and have played along to keep myself off her radar. Unfortunately, I think circumstances convened recently to bring it all to a head. One of them is that all her other tenants have fled, leaving with her with no one else to vilify. Her tenants are her favorite evil people colluding to take advantage of and destroy her. Amazing how all FOURTEEN (in 5 rental properties) over the 2 years I’ve been here have been evil people out to rip her off, isn’t it? She’s either got the worst luck in the world or, gee, perhaps SHE is the evil one out to take advantage of people? She’s already ripped me off financially over and over and over, but most of it I’ve put up with because, as mentioned before, moving at this point is beyond inconvenient and also because it’s been relatively low dollar. Especially compared with what she’s tried to extort out of others. But this time it’s not so low dollar, and I’m more than positive her motivations are two-fold: one is I’ve almost entirely repaid some money I owed her from back before I knew what was happening and stupidly accepted her “help” (really a way of ensuring I was beholden to her, and thus became one of her slaves); and secondly, because I’m daring to ignore her wish that I put my dog down rather than treat her (*gasp* how awful of me!).
This woman is extraordinarily adept at martyrdom, and the fact that everyone flees at their first opportunity makes it easier for other people to believe that they really were the ones victimizing poor landlady and not the other way around. But it’s really frustrating to me that so few people seem to connect the dots that, for example, this woman’s own children avoid her like the plague. One tried to reconcile in the time that I’ve lived here, and after the fourth time I had to call her for an ER visit for momma because she was dying, don’t you know (and who woke me in the middle of the night to take her to ER), gave up and told momma to go to hell. I so envy her being able to do that! She also has serial best friends. By that I mean that, much like her tenants and family, they come and go. Her latest is almost as much a slave as I am.
Sorry this is so long, but tonight I’m just really angry at her and also at myself for letting her consume this much of my existence, brain power, emotions, time, and money (and sucking away potential earnings as well, since time I could have spent working is instead being spent trying to calm her down and then doing all the bazillion things she insists I must do or she’ll evict me). And finding someplace where people will not only believe me, but know exactly what I’m talking about is just such a relief. By the way, the part about getting all the resources is how I’ll be tenant number 3 that she’s forced into fencing her land and sharing the costs (which really means absorbing most of the cost). I had the gall to point out tonight that telling me I had to pay for materials that would be left on her land when I move was unfair and I wouldn’t do it.
I appreciated Paul’s last insight regarding needing to put the books down and finally looking at your emotional state and needing to grieve. I don’t know if men who have been through abuse feel this way but as a woman that is the hardest part is to give into that. Maybe I have been avoiding that part because after denying that any part of my relationship was real on my partner’s part the fact that my feelings were authentic towards a person who’s feelings weren’t authentic to me may cause me a set back. I’m confused about what to grieve and not wanting to make excuses to my self again for my abuse. It’s hard enough when you realize you allowed yourself to be treated horribly because maybe a childhood wound made you think no one else would want you and then have to turn around and realize you were the person who ultimately accepted the treatment too. I struggle with that and why I allowed it to happen.
For men in an abusive situation I hope you can prove in court that crazy is crazy. I’ve gone through so much trying to reduce contact with my ex. Unfortunately I was made to do joint legal custody with full physical. That means I still feel like I have to placate my abuser. It’s hell. And they still get visitation. So I have a daughter in treatment who was cutting including words on her arms like “victim” “worthless” “fat” and “slut.” I wished I would have realized how being called those words by my ex would have affected my child being called the same things by boys at school. She just turned 13. It didn’t help the last drop off we had that he screamed those words at me still after being divorced three years in front of her at his last visitation because he didn’t agree to me sending her to treatment for her cutting behaviors and three suicide attempts. My state doesn’t have long term specialized treatment so I admitted her six hours away to very intense specialized treatment in which I participate in for the family part of counseling and strengthen our relationship (hopefully) and teach her healthy coping skills instead of destructive ones. Anytime I try to hold him accountable in court for violating the parenting plan turns into a nightmare where he uses the joint legal custody to threaten to take the kids and continue the emotional abuse. I’m now trying for full legal custody and a stipulation in my parenting plan to limit contact through the use of a website called ourfamilywizard. Check it out. You can put all the info they need about your kids there along with a calendar of activities and they can log in on their end without needing to contact you. I’m also trying to change drop offs to police substations because not even a public parking lot could deter him from screaming profanities for not just my kids to hear but for everyone nearby. I dread kids school activities because there’s always high drama and an excuse for confrontation. Even when you don’t engage and turn to leave silently it’s embarrassing having a bunch of parents witness the barrage of garbage being yelled your way. That is not the attention I want. I try my best to avoid. His girlfriend is just as bad and does the same thing. Seriously? Yet they both accuse me of parental alienation. They don’t need any help alienating themselves. Neither of them are interested that it embarrasses my kids and they look like jerks.