It’s day 23 of Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Today’s In His Own Words is the second part to Kyle’s story.
Yet, despite all of this, like a good lapdog, I held on due to my beliefs about correcting my past mistakes and not letting God down. But the constant fighting was starting to wear on me. In fact, I was developing grey hairs from the abuse and never knowing what was going to set D off. Even days like my birthday there was no reprieve, as she would use days like this to emasculate me or make it about her.
She would want to have a party for her “special man”, then complain about how much of a loser I was for not planning my own birthday party or making enough money to support her ever growing list of demands. It got so bad that I started to snap. I became very angry and would yell a lot during these times, which of course then became about my “gross” anger issues instead of whatever proceeded the incident.
She even started doing this in public, like gaslighting me by whispering something in my ear such as “I saw this _____ while I was out in the other day shopping. It was very pink and effeminate just like my pussy of a husband.” She was hoping I explode and hit her. She was particularly mad because I felt there needed to be more accountability for her actions. I’d tried very unsuccessfully to resolve these issues over the years, which only led to D martyring herself – until I begged and pleaded for her to stop by giving in and allowing her to continue with her actions unabated.
This all came to a head when I got hurt about a year after my final reconstructive surgery. I had gotten severely injured in a sports competition, and needed a lot of time to recover. Meaning, that while I was still working and providing (by using my savings to cover the difference), D had had enough of her “loser husband.”
She escalated her violence, blamed me for ruining her entire life, and refused to help me, even when I could barely get out of bed. In fact, I liken this time to being like James Caan’s character from the movie Misery with D being Kathy Bates. I was becoming a budding writer and had received a book contract on a trip to NYC a few months before I was injured.
So, there I was injured and could barely get out of bed with Kathy Bates, D, abusing the crap out of me. Around this time, D even blamed me for being abusive since I was getting angry at her for not helping. Plus, I was reducing our spending to make ends meet, so I was trying to “keep her trapped.”
It was during this time that my epilepsy started to get worse from the stress, especially as D wanted to know why I was such an abusive monster. She would even make fun of me for being a “retard” while I was having seizures. This was my tipping point. I knew that something was horribly wrong in the State of Denmark.
I was already dealing with so much abuse that it was crazy, like D charging at me causing me to shout with my hands up, “D, I love you, but not now. I need space. Please back off.” Then, she would crash off of my hands onto the floor when I had been backed into a corner with nowhere to go, claiming that I was beating her up. Little did I know at the time, she could see I was nearing the end of my rope, and she was developing her own exit plan, involving a smear campaign and the police.
D claimed that I needed therapy for my horrible upbringing (which is true but not for the reasons she thought) and if I didn’t change my ways, she was going to leave me and call the cops, particularly if I ever laid my hands on her again and continued to yell. “Putting my hands up” was a defensive move while she crashed off of me. I felt deeply ashamed and broken.
I was never the type to yell at a women, like “would you just shut the eff up”, and even when mad, I rarely hit things, like a pillow against the wall or shadow punch in the air. But I had been abused for so long that I believed that this intense anger originated from inside me and not D, so I was shamed to my core.
I broke down. I couldn’t even look myself in the eye anymore. I truly believed that D was right. I was a monster. “A monster who was so horribly scarred that could never be loved or be healed”, as D put it. So, I pursued therapy through a local referral to a psychiatrist, AVFM, Shrink4Men, and read every book on the subject about anger, co-dependency (like Melodie Bettie’s work), narcissism, and setting boundaries.
This is when it hit me. I was still shattered as a man, but it was because I was being abused to the point that D had stolen all of my positive traits. And those she couldn’t steal, she tried to destroy. Further still, she forced all of her negative traits on me, blaming me in the process of her projection. Now was I/am I perfect? Heck no. I was a broken person who needed help for my own issues, but at least I knew that I had to get out of my relationship.
I sat D down one night to try and work things out. After spending the night arguing instead, I realized the situation was unsalvageable. And yet, in true “White Knight” fashion, instead of just leaving, I said I would give her six months to turn the situation around where we would both get therapy and try one last time to make things work. Otherwise, “destroying me in the divorce and the threat of me going to jail” wasn’t going to stop me. (D had previously threatened to destroy me if I ever left her. Worse yet, when she claimed that I was an abusive POS, she had run away from home a few times only to come back later and forgive me. Then, give me some great makeup sex, but only before telling me that she had called a shelter and gotten some literature. So, if I ever left her, she would call the cops. She would even go so far as to leave pamphlets out about domestic violence for me to see to reinforce her threats.)
After out talk, things seemed to get better. D started to come around and our relationship got better for a few months, but then D began to disappear and wanted to go out by herself and not be around. I started to think that maybe she wasn’t coming around after all. Yet, between D’s continual spending and paying for my medical treatment, I was too focused on trying to pay our bills to have time to create a better escape plan.
I found out that she was having an affair, but I was stuck. This is when it ended, I came home from work one day to my home completely cleared out, bank accounts cleared out, and nothing left but a Dear John letter on the floor telling me how I was an abusive monster who could never change, so D had to flee for her life. Further, I was to never contact her again.
Needless to say, I was in shock. I even played into her game of trying to get her back. Fortunately, I sent Dr. T some emails, and while her responses were terse, they were very blunt. I got the message. I came to my senses and realized, “What am I doing? This is my opportunity to cut crazy from my life. So, just let her go.” I instituted a strict “no contract” policy with D, and only communicated through text and email, even when she would call at 1am trying to pick a fight. (So, much for never contact her again.)
I was able to mitigate some of the damages in the divorce settlement, but it did come at a cost. I got D to admit on tape that I was not abusing her. However, she had already taken most of our assets, and while I wanted revenge so badly, I agreed to let them go in exchange for her not pursuing the abuse charges. I also was able to cut free from alimony because I shamefully (in my opinion) blackmailed her with the affair that she had been having and the sizable amounts of money that she had been hiding that would have come out in court.
We also agreed to let an arbitrator handle the discussion on the financial side of things, even though I didn’t realize that D had already picked and primed the arbitrator against me. But I figured, I can be free even if it means being homeless because it’s still better than going to jail and losing everything else, so I acquiesced. Though, based on Dr. T’s advice, I had compiled a long list of things that D had done to try and mitigate the abuse charges to defend myself as best as possible in the event that D changed her mind.
And with lighting speed, we were divorced; mainly because D’s mom works at the Capitol in the state in which I live. Her mom was able to influence the judge to push the divorce through uncontested, which was another reason I deeply feared D’s threats of pressing DV charges against me. (I later found out that it was so she could get remarried less than six months later.)
All in all, I lost about $100,000 between the assets, a lack of remuneration for our remaining communal property, past due bills that I had to pay, and the managing of the debt with which I’m left. This doesn’t even count all of the bills I paid (yep, I paid them all), trips, and gifts that I bought over the years.
However, I’m a hard worker, and without being strapped with years of alimony (we were together for nine years), I’m able to start working myself out of a hole, which is good. Because if our marriage had lasted too much longer, any negotiation wouldn’t have mattered. I would have been stuck paying D alimony the rest of my life. I was at least smart enough to never have a child with D, even though she tried a few times. The toughest part about all of this has been the smear campaign that D has waged against me. Not only did I become isolated from my family again, as I had been working to rebuild my relationship with my parents, but I lost most all of my friends and business customers in the process, since D went behind my back and told everyone stories about me being an abuser.
I hold myself accountable, too. I refused to set boundaries in the beginning of my relationship with D. I should have had more respect for myself and walked away when those warning signs and red flags were popping up early on, most especially before I legally tethered myself to D. And while I’m upset about how things turned out, I’m ultimately responsible for myself and my own actions. So, I must live, learn, and never repeat. If you hear my story and it helps you do to the same, then I’m truly grateful for having gone through everything that I did.
Thank you, Kyle.
In His Own Words/In Her Own Words is an effort to help raise awareness about the invisible victims of domestic violence, men. If you would like to submit your story, please follow the guidelines at the end of this article.
Counseling with Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD
Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD helps individuals work through their relationship and codependency issues via telephone or Skype. She specializes in helping men and women trying to break free of an abusive relationship, cope with the stress of an abusive relationship or heal from an abusive relationship. Coaching individuals through high-conflict divorce and custody cases is also an area of expertise. She combines practical advice, emotional support and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Schedule a Session page for more information.
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Good escaping bro. I had something similar when I was back from Afghanistan with an I jury, she wouldn’t even get me glass of water, when I was visibly fevered!!
That woeful tale, of honourable decency being devoured, downtrodden, and relentlessly attacked by the insidious, contemptuous and completely unjustified malice of such a woman is much the same as my own that is coming to a close. Fortunately, at least for me, only a year its been.. Though honestly, I believe I’m lucky to be alive, as apparently a hammer to my skull whilst I slept was the alternative to having set alight my abode. ..I guess having used&stole all my savings just wasn’t satisfying enough..
I usually just block it out and don’t think about it, for if I do the injustice of it sparks an anger that i dare not let grow.
I read this story and look how yet another decent fellow has been cut down by such an evil witch and I feel sickened.
I am not the first victim of my “witch”, but I’d like to make me her last, lest another benevolent soul be tortured and drained in her wake. There’s nothing “ideal” here, but I wish there was someway she could realise her wrongdoings.
It vexes me considerably to know of others suffering in the same way as I.
I ponder if it should be taught in schools how to identify and protect oneself from these insidious beings.
my heart goes out to you, man.
Thank you Kyle this helped me in so many ways and reenforces my need to leave I was up and while everyone was sleeping enjoying the peace thinking to myself well it’s not that bad right? Only to read this and remember the past and snap back into reality. Thank you Dr. T for all your work and this site it was one of your articles on BPD that started me down this path months ago after I caught my wife cheating on me and shorlty about a month after she assaulted me because I wouldn’t provide one of my w2 for tax purposes so then she submitted a tax return without my consent behind my back sent the refund to one of her separate accounts that I wasn’t aware of. All this to say I would have continued ratiolizing all this away if not for the stories and information shared here Thank you so much! Though I fear the divorce after 9 years and 4 children between alimony and child support might break me financially I find it more than acceptable to have the peace of mind and my sanity back and the opportunity to raise and protect my children without fear at least when they are with me. Thanks again for sharing and all of this take care and God bless.
It never ceases to amaze me what BPD women/men can get away with and how the court system seems to protect THEM! My own husband was in this trap-she is “high functioning” and he paid the bills, while she “saved” the money. She did save some for the kids college funds, but the rest was hidden and not disclosed in the divorce. She talked him out of getting his own attorney because “all the money just goes to lawyers”. She claimed she would “be happy” if they just got the divorce and she would never take the kids away from him.
She still isn’t happy, despite “downgrading” with her loser boyfriend and HAS alienated the kids from him, making their lives hell if they even act like they want to contact him. We live a bike ride away. Of course, she was enraged when I came on the scene because after we married, I found the financial fraud she committed during the divorce (I’m an investigator by trade) and he got a new hearing to reopen the financials in the divorce. Unheard of! She settled out of court, but still soaked him for 100’s of thousands. We did get in it the final order she has to pay the kids college expenses through the savings and my husband isn’t responsible for any of it, so we got a bit of justice. During the court fiasco, that’s when the false allegations to police began. We were “threatening her” and she was “so afraid, fearing what he would do next”. Despite her two hours of crying, the officer did not find her credible. And never mind she was violent toward him on many occasions in front of the kids during the marriage and berated, threatened both of us in front of them years after the divorce. We did not retaliate and remained silent. She took my husband to court for full custody and he just gave up. They are teens and she could outspend us 3 to 1, and would gladly do so.
I did not know my husband until he had been divorced for over a year, yet she tells people that I broke up their marriage…the list of absurdity goes on.
Due to her previous behavior and close proximity, I do fear her. I’m no shrinking violet, I’ve worked in a maximum security prison. However, I’m 5 months pregnant with our first child. She knows this, as we had to make certain she knew so the law, if needed, would add penalties if she attempts anything else. Since we were blindsided by so many of her shenanigans, we are always on guard, especially now. Any advice on how to deal with her would be appreciated.
Hey Kyle,
Sorry to here that you lost 9 years of your life to this woman. I hope you are starting to deal with the issues that made this situation possible.
What are your thoughts on relationships now? Are you MGTOW or are you hoping to find a sane woman to have your children.
I agree its very easy to absorb the projection and critiscsm. You justify and justify to convince yourself and her. And to pray for change. But the change never seems to come.
I don’t know why this is the case. I’m still trapped in a relationship which seems strikingly similar to yours. I think if people just treated their partner the way they wanted to be treated then none of this would be an issue.
Thank god you didn’t have children. That is a massive blessing as at least you can repair and move forward. Were children become the rope in a rug of war.
All the best mate. Well writen.
I just got out of an abusive relationship with a borderline who is also an alcoholic. I took care of everything, financially, emotionally. I bailed her out of jail twice. When I tried to walk away she attempted suicide. I felt trapped but I kept on being lured back by her sexuality and in her words “please don’t leave me.” In August I took her on a surf trip to Costa Rica for 5 days. I knew it was over for a long time but I kept going back. I had broken up with her at least 100 times in the past 3 years. This was an 8 1/2 year relationship. Finally, one day when she was really drunk and taking antidepressants she fell and bruised her face(not the first time). I called her to see if I could help. She said please come over and if I could please bring dog and cat food. ( Wow). I did and left her because I had to go to work. Two days later I was arrested for domestic abuse. She had shown up
For work with the bruises and they asked her what happened. She told them I had been beating and raping her for 8 1/2 years. I have never been in trouble and have had 3 long term relationships, without a violent incident ever. The charge was recently dropped but I can’t tell you how devastating the ordeal was. I spent 28 hours in the county jail and had to retain an attorney. She has 3 DUI arrests and the suicide attempt
I mentioned all on file. But they just took me away. No questions asked. I was assumed to be guilty immediately. Needless to say, as much as I loved this person, I have to be rid of her. She called to call me on thanksgiving. No contact from
me then and no contact ever again. I’m still hurting and it has been 45 days since this happened. I’m afraid she will return or cause me other harm. Any suggestions.
The crazy thing is that I have moments when I feel like I still miss her. But the facts of this abusive relationship are becoming clearer each day. She constantly lied and probably cheated on me. I kept excusing her behavior because I didn’t want to lose her. I beat myself up every day knowing I tried to break this off so often. I was in the big time FOG. Will I get better someday?
Hi, I am in a marriage also with a BPD wife and can relate to this article. My marriage started with my wife being the perfect partner, who mirrored my love for art, the same music, activities. Someone who made an effort with all my friends and family, the life of the party! She made me feel that ‘she was the one’ as all these things were important to me.
I didn’t see the warning signs though. It started with her getting jealous and sulky if I wanted to see my friends without her, as if I was excluding her, but I felt we needed a few hours apart sometimes. She started to tell me things about my friends, saying they would ignore her in the street, or that —- had come on to her etc. I believed her stories so started feeling resentment towards my friends. I would stop going out with them, or ignore texts and invites. If I did go out with them, she would fly into a rage! She would say that all my friends were horrible or false, and I was a bad judge of character. I started to believe the drip poison. Eventually it was easier to just stop going out. Most of my friends have now given up on me.
We eventually got engaged, and then the abuse turned towards my family. It has mostly been directed towards my sister. My sister bought something off the shelf at a shop that my wife had also bought as part of her wedding day outfit, and when my sister realised she had done this phoned my wife to ask her whether she was ok with this, or should she return it? My wife threw into a major rage and crying tantrum about this and threatened to stop the wedding or uninviting my sister and her husband to the wedding. Her mother (her enabler) totally backed her up with this, and I was backed into a corner (her mother is more terrifying than my wife, with rages no one can imagine). Unfortunately, instead of telling them both to stick it, I put it down to wedding stress on their part. Ever since she has made it very difficult to have a relationship with my sister. As part of our honeymoon, my father paid for our flights and hotel. BUT he didn’t book our flight from our local airport, but one 100 miles away. Well this was the end of the world! She made me rebook flights without telling him, from our local airport which cost me $600, and we had to cut short our stay by one week. She has slowly alienated me from my parents. Every phone call I had would end with her shouting at them in the background about some supposed slight or another (she would never confront them in person though), which I found highly embarrassing, so it was easier just not to speak to them whilst she was around. My parents also stopped phoning because of these tirades.
Since we had children, she made us move 300 miles away to be near her family, to help with child care she says, because my parents NEVER helped, and they didn’t want to see me or the grandchildren anyway, otherwise they would come round and help more (get it?). I gave up a good career to move away but had no choice. She used the kids as an emotional tool to get me to go, saying she would go anyway and take the kids! So, we left, she got her way, and I went from a 40k job to 15k, and there are no job prospects in the new town. But at least we were somewhere we could be happy she said! Until she realised that we couldn’t live on the money, so then comes the anger, moodiness, stress that this caused her, and how I am a bad husband for not providing! So, now she has got me where she wants me, in her complete control away from all family and friends. Because money is tight her controlling mother lends us money, with conditions, such as I should get a 2nd, 3rd job and man up. So I am now indebted to the MIL.
I have now not been up to see my family for 2 years. Everytime I mention it she makes excuses as to why I can’t go, if I can get round those, then comes the anger and silent treatment for days, if I get through that defence, next comes the rage, throwing things and occasional violence! So, I have stopped trying. She had totally isolated me.
Because money is tight, she said she would take over the finances (after all, you are rubbish at maths, money and can’t possibly look after yourself) and now every time I spend or take money I have to give her a receipt, with interrogations to the cent as to why I have bought this, got money out there? I now buy all my clothes from thrift stores (she says we cant afford to buy new) whilst she seemed always to have something nice! (from the same shop she said) I now cut my hair myself, she gets hers done in a salon which costs $200, she has to get hers done properly she says, because she is a lady. I had substantial savings before she had control of the finances, and within months we were down to our last 1k. I found a bank statement and found all outgoings were going with online shopping. confronting her she says that it is all toys for the kids! how dare I question her!
She went at the start of our relationship from someone who was happy, to a moody, sulky, angry little girl. She can’t keep a job, she is highly confrontational and falls out with all colleagues, so she feels she needs to resign after a few months, or gets the sack. She fights with complete strangers in the street with little confrontation, or guilt after the event. She has lost all friends, they may have done some little thing she disagreed with (she has high morals and values) and cuts them off from her life at a drop of a hat. She is constantly ill with something or other, or goes into a complete meltdown if me or any of the kids get poorly. She is on depression pills, but refuses to go and get therapy, even if I said I would go to to support her “they will tell you to leave me”.
She uses facebook and blogging as a tool to attack my family with very thinly veiled personal attacks on them, or even out and out attacks. Her blog on ‘In-Laws’ was one crazy one, the other was her blog on the love of her life (the abusive ex-boyfriend who died). The blog on my emotional abuse of her was very good 2 months ago, I was out of the FOG last month so saw this for being particularly crazy. Facebook is a way for her to get on to my page (she HAS to know my passwords) and she updates all my friends, as if it is me writing, what a fantastic wife she is, or attacks my friends, again as me. Blocking and unfriending my family members or deleting any of my photos that don’t have her picture on them. She is now on another media site uploading her favourite quotes about relationships, constantly looking for new followers. Oh what fun.
Her recent verbal attacks on the kids made me start to have a nervous breakdown. I started looking for answers on the internet and came upon this site. I didn’t know about BPD until I came upon this site, and it made me have the ‘WTF’ moment. I am now trying to think of my exit strategy. I have contacted my family (who have told me they knew all along but didn’t want to tell me to risk hurting me). They are helping me come to terms with what is going on and I am beginning to get stronger, and I now know how to control her rages, because she has lost her power over me I can ignore most her mind games. She doesn’t know I know about her disorder, but now I can see that all the things she does and says is crazy bonkers! Thanks for all the help Dr T and contributors.
God its the worst feeling the pain every day is intolerable ive been to 4 counsellors who are at ill at ease with my manic/ depressed disposition I find myself in disbelief in my story and am self conscious no one believes any of it the woman has a veneer of respectability and incredible calm lizard like eyes and absent of thr softness females tend to possess she pounces on weskness and runs scared when stood up too. Ive nevef been so frihhtened. But ive never found anyone so sexilually attractive . I am physically ill and obssessed and lose the plot at people and am paranoid she has contacted them as a smear I want to punch her face in though id never hit a woman then I havr thoughts of loving her possibly cognitive dissonance she consumes my world yet she could care less for me the intensity of the psin is the same one year on and its only my kids pain that prevents me from topping myself she always said she was scared of the day id get my power back every time id approach her with reason it would become worse and she would torture me the reason I want to contsct her again is for closure. Answers why? But it doesnt happen
It looks like the UK has taken the bull by the horns and made it illegal to use coercive or controlling behaviour on a partner or family member! It will be punishable with up to 5 years in prison. Hopefully the rest of the world will catch up.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-30532087
Now where is my phone, I have a call to make!
90% of this tale is the exact same as the last five years of my life. The details of my story may be slightly different, but the themes and the hurt and the pain and the bittersweet goodbye which never happens, it’s all the same. The part that is so scary is how isolated you become from those who could rip you out of the situation like they do during an intervention for substance abuse. I have two clinical psychologists for parents and they were just as blindsided as I was. There is a great book all men should read called “I hate you don’t leave me” everyone should read. the other resource is a copy of the DSM 4. Check the BPD criteria, there are 9, and I think 7 are necessary for the diagnosis. My ex met all 9 easily and all sub-criteria. This is a seriously dangerous and self destructive situation all must carefully avoid. Where is the borderline scorecard that fits in your wallet? Now that would be a lifesaver…
Wow… I’m in complete shock after spending most of the day on this site. I can not believe how there are so many stories almost word for word like mine. Change the names and you could do a parallel with kyles story and that of my
I have been separated since Sept. 4, wife left and took our kids for a cooling down period. I thought it was a good idea since things had become miserable and her taunting was relentless and my temper was getting harder to control. Little did I know this was all part of her master plan. On Sept. 11th at 11pm 4 local police officers showed up and served me with separation papers, domestic violence restraining order along with 11 other motions filed. After 9 yrs and 3 mths she dropped her nuke…..
They took all of my guns and almost took me in on a 5150 that night because I was so distraught. I hadn’t seen or been allowed to speak to my kids in a week and I thought it was the end of the world. And it was for me and my daughter 7 and son 4. But oh no, it hadnt even stared yet. It was 108 days before I was alower to speak to my kids and see them for the first time. 108 days of nothing….I am a guy that lived for those kids. They were my best friends. We did everything together and it drove my wife nuts that I had that bond with them that she never will. It has become so malicious and evil and I’m being brow beaten by motion after motion and I have now list my job due to d.v. had to have security clearence, I do not have a vehicle for transportation and I’m homeless. Forced to seek our house and she had all profits ($92K) frozen and is trying to keep it all saying I withdrew my 401k and blew it on myself instead of on my family and that she had no knowledge of it. All bold faced lies…..during a time of unemployment (plant shutdown, I didn’t want to relocate) she baraged me and shamed me so much about not supporting my family and being a lose and that I should use my 401k to supplement our income since she was the only one that was contributing. I took it out and now she is claiming to not have any knowledge of this and want to be made whole on what would have been it’s current value.
There is so maNY other things that it is rediculius and I won’t tie up more time and space but I’ll eventually post my story in full. Just as so many have done before me in hopes of helping others.
I’m due back in court on June 16th, 2015. I need all the help I can get but more importantly my kids snd i need all the help we can get.