Most people know by now what emotional instability and immaturity, or Crazy, looks like. A narcissist or borderline can project blame at the speed of light. Wrinkle their brow and scratch their head at any request for personal accountability. Abusive people usually define good communication skills as you shutting up and listening. Crazy feels imposed upon and controlled by healthy, reasonable boundaries and will punish you for trying to have boundaries.
Crazy does a lot of other stuff, too, that makes Crazy, well, crazy.
So what does healthy look like? What, in this day and age, constitutes a healthy relationship between a man and a woman? Or a man and a man or a woman and a woman and I can’t keep up with all the other possible combinations?
This video discusses what constitutes a healthy relationship and what does not.
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Counseling with Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD
Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD helps individuals work through their relationship and codependency issues via telephone or Skype. She specializes in helping men and women trying to break free of an abusive relationship, cope with the stress of an abusive relationship or heal from an abusive relationship. Coaching individuals through high-conflict divorce and custody cases is also an area of expertise. She combines practical advice, emotional support and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Schedule a Session page for more information.
Want to Say Goodbye to Crazy? Buy it HERE.
Men are from Mars, Women will Sink us…
Men are from Mars, Women will cut off your penis…
Great program nice job Paul & Dr. T. Common sense and refreshing to see people who can cut through the bullshit and still recognize and fight for universal truths and justice.
Dr Tara Palmatier says
Hahah Dr. T “We’re baaaaaaaack.” Thank you guys again for the videos. I’ve been visiting S4M for at least a couple of years and this knowledge is invaluable! Saved my life and sanity. I was in a ‘relationship’ with a woman for 2 years but it wasn’t healthy for the majority of the time. A 3 year power struggle. Lots of push/pull. Chronically immature and couldn’t see outside of the box. Entitled. Got the marriage ultimatum. Got cheated on. I became the mean guy to her. All that FUN stuff. LOL! It’s so hard to pull away from an abusive person because you want to give them chances but at the same time they hurt you with no remorse. They don’t let go of anything and will use everything they can against you. Just know that YOU loved them with all of your might.
If you feel like your getting nowhere because of what your partner is saying/doing to you then it probably is that bad. Work on yourself, carve a new path for you and if you have kids then protect them with all of your might from the abusive partner. Live YOUR life. Stop trying and trying and trying and trying. The rumination will drive you batty and the crazy in your house will point the finger at you. Don’t let that happen. There are such things as mistakes in relationships, nobody is perfect but the abusive partner will not let you up after you get knocked down. A healthy person will see problems and work with you on solutions, as well as help you up and accept any help you offer. Don’t stay in a blame game or guilt trip ridden relationship!
Dr. T, I have a question: What are the stages after the conflict stage?
The video doesn’t distinctly introduce any phases.
Your work is the best! Your work has saved my life from lots and lots of confusion as well as a lot of potential pain. Your work is doing society good where a lot of bad is occurring.
Dr Tara Palmatier says
I’m glad you find the information on S4M helpful. Here are links to two articles that discuss the stages:
Blue Bayou says
I am a retired State Child Protective Services Caseworker (25 years), licensed Social Worker & licensed Drug/Alcohol Counselor (since 1980). This is a case of, “Physician, heal thyself.”
Married going on 38 years. 1 adult child. I had been in therapy over the years w/3 different therapists, to no avail.
My BPD traits wife had serial cheated on me many years ago & went whoring around with 4 other men, rubbing my face in it. She has never shown a shred of remorse or taken any responsibility whatsoever. The cheating happened before we were married, but had been living together long term. I got her pregnant & married her, thinking it was the “honorable” thing to do, despite her cheating & whoring around.
Her father (now dead) was a violent, sanctimonious, incestuous pedophile who had sex with her (now deceased) younger sister as a child, & tried to have sex with his own sister. I suspect he got to my wife as well, but not confirmed. At first, I was her “knight in shining armor”, rescuing her from her messed up family. Now I am a pariah & barely get the time of day from her.
She had withheld affection/sex for over 2 years in 2010-2012, and forces me to sleep alone in the coldest, darkest room in the house for years now, as I snore…
I blew my stack at her in 2012 about all this, threatened divorce, & she resumed having “transactional” sex with me & there was a temporary (fake) change for the better in her attitude, but that has stopped again. When we did have sex, it felt like, “Good boy, Blue, here’s treat for you.” Every now & then she does some little “loving” thing that to her, proves I am all wrong about her.
She is high functioning, works full time, is a “pillar of the community” & a teetotaler. But if somebody crosses her, they are instantly on her permanent shitlist. NOBODY would believe me or understand what my life is like. Everybody loves her & many people in our small town tell me how “lucky” I am to have such a wonderful wife…
She is a contrarian–always seems to find a reason why I’m wrong about nearly anything. She, on the other hand, is NEVER wrong about ANYTHING.
She denies having BPD traits, of course, despite my copying many pages of material from your & other websites clearly laying out examples of her behaviors that fit her like a glove. Nothing registers with her.
When I become infuriated with frustration over being treated like a piece of furniture, she accuses me of being abusive for expressing it.
She has been an ALANON aficionado for 25 years, even though I am not now, nor have I ever been an alcoholic. This has made things even worse. I actually accompanied her to a meeting once, & it was basically just a bunch of women complaining about their husbands.
Call me crazy, but I don’t want a divorce. I still love her–crazy, I know. Our daughter would hate me, as she is very attached to her mom; she thinks I am the crazy one, as she has seen me get angry at her mom, without knowing the back story, which I have never shared with her. She’d never believe me, anyway. Not to mention the shame & financial ruin that would happen.
I made my bed, I’m laying in it. Any coping skills would be appreciated. Should I threaten divorce again? That seemed to be the only thing that got me a temporary reprieve before. God help me if she calls my bluff…
Your website has helped me understand that I am not alone & has preserved my dignity & self esteem. For that I thank you.
Blue Bayou says
I wish to add that I missed many early warning signs–frequent shoplifting among them.
There’s no object constancy –flips to more acting loving towards me when our daughter is visiting, but then flips back to the B. default status after she leaves. It weirds me out.
No amount of discussion, of course, has had any effect.
At one point she actually agreed to have therapy, or at least a therapeutic consult. I made a huge mistake referring her to a local lesbian psychologist (my bad!), who did a TELEPHONE consult per the DSM. She told my wife that she does not meet the criteria for BPD. THAT was all she needed to hear.
BTW, I have nothing against lesbians, but I can’t but wonder if that entered into things in this context.
If you want to pull that string, check out “THE LESBIAN BORDERLINE – For the Love of Mother” By Shari Schreiber, M.A., http://www.GettinBetter.com