Hi Everyone,
Just a reminder that I’ll be on AVFM Radio on blogtalkradio tonight, Tuesday, June 21, 2011 at 9pm EST. Please tune in, Skype in and/or call in.
The topic is “Accidental” Pregnancies, Entrapment and Children as Weapons.
Included in the discussion will be when men are most at risk for reproductive coercion or predatory pregnancies, how to protect yourself and an a suggestion for legislation to protect men who find themselves entrapped.
We’ll also be talking about how “oops” children are often weaponized by their mothers and used to hurt and control the fathers.
If you have a story to share or need help and have questions please call in. I’d love to hear from you.
The call in number is + 1 310 388 9709.
If you’re unable to tune in to the live broadcast, I’ll post the embed for you to listen to at your leisure after the show.
Hope to hear from you!
Kind Regards,
Dr T
Shrink4Men Coaching and Consulting Services:
Dr Tara J. Palmatier provides confidential, fee-for-service, consultation/coaching services to help both men and women work through their relationship issues via telephone and/or Skype chat. Her practice combines practical advice, support, reality testing and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Shrink4Men Services page for professional inquiries.
So, first thing this morning, I was presented with the following manifesto – scrawled on looseleaf paper in marker with – numerous cross-outs – classic…
“You must stop your behavior any meronutime, but especially before a bat mitzvah. As it is, most details of this family life rest on my shoulders, all the time, 24/7. Since you have not been involved in the bat mitzvah preparation, you have no clue about the minutae involved. You have been asked to do several small tasks, none of which have been completed. It is exhausting and disappointing that you cannot be relied upon, really, for anything.
In addition, your verbal abuse is hitting a fever pitch, making fun of my nervous shaking, complaining that dinner is not ready after a day of exhausting [It was 9PM and the children had not eaten yet – I work both a full time job + an outside consultant gig – she has never worked despite both undergraduate and graduate school honors – and one of the jobs pays primarily for the various therapies].
You don’t think or act maturely. Even though you don’t want to do tasks you need to do. Even though you don’t want to control your mouth in front of the kids, you need to, etc. You don’t appear to understand these fundamentals.
Taking the Ritalin will only help those two points. It will not motivate you to organize the things “you don’t want to do.”
I feel like I am beginning to get sick. I am starting to feel anxious and I wake up a lot at night. [son’s name] situation has __________ my ability [he has potentially mild add – and how many kids don’t considering today’s videogame and computer culture]
Find it in your heart not to make fun of me, not to be abusive in front of the children, and lower your expectations of those around you, concentrating on the large amount of personal growth you will have to conquer.
For the sake of the children and me:
a. Take the Ritalin – for details of life;
b. Stop being abusive and explosive (Ritalin will help this).
Gotta love it.
Yeah, I heard the one about needing medication as well. Just another way abusive persons project blame and scapegoat their victim.
BTW, agitation and being easily annoyed are common side effects of long-time Ritalin users (and other stimulants).
The best though is – your whole family is sick and on medication (b/c several took short term antidepressants after a major traumatic episode). Or another variation – “are you on drugs?”
Instead of taking Ritalin, or drinking to excess, I exercise. No bad side affects, except for the occasional muscle ache. But, somehow, she finds that offensive. Go figure.
Just thought I’d follow suit. This is one of the last email’s I got before I left my ex nearly two years ago. Note the date.
***********************************************************************************
Subject: Practice what you preach
Date: December 23, 2009
Message: “In a grown-up relationship, people listen to what the other person has to
say even if they don’t agree. They confront the other person directly with
whatever they don’t like about what they’re doing or why they don’t agree.
That doesn’t happen in our family.
That’s the problem.” [my name] 12 Dec 2009.
My two cents worth – Let’s define the problem. Problem – [my name] just don’t
like that I or [oldest daughter] or [son] or [youngest daughter], or [community organizer], or former bosses, or pretty much anyone that you have any kind of relationship for that matter takes a contrary view of how to approach an issue, solve a problem or even defining the problem for that matter. I can give you example, after example after example.
And for the record don’t confuse me with [mother-in-law] taking every opportunity to complain to my children about how awful their father is, how horrible her
life is because of theif father. I kept and keep quite. As you both know
the truth has a way of revealing itself even without uttering a word. Our
adult children are very astute and are quite able to call a spade a spade
with little to no help from me.
Lastly – a caveate to my verbal comment earlier today concerning our
distorted, unfounded view of what is truly going on here as being
reminescent of the crap just before you left. It took you two years to
figure out the truth. You spoke the truth when he sat on my couch 3 at 11:00
pm after coming back to this house. That is why we got back together. You
lost the truth. The caveate – The only difference now compared to then is
that I now know the truth. I didn’t then.
***********************************************************************************
It’s all my fault, right. Go f–k yourself, you cold-hearted bitch.
And now for a top 10 list…
a. You are a lousy provider. Variation: With your education, you should be making a lot more (I am a lawyer working in-house at a company with a half time consulting job on the side). Also, she has never worked.
b. You are a poor example for your children. Variation – you are not religious enough. You have no spiritual side. I called up your son’s teacher and explained him the “situation” with you.
c. Your family is so ___________ up and your children never see your mother (she lives 6,000 miles away, and does visit a few times a year). Variations – nobody in your family cares about you (I have excellent relationships with all of them), nobody in your family cares about your kids. Your family favors all of the other cousins.
d. You only care about working out (I exercise 4 days a week – to keep my sanity)
e. You don’t care about anything. Variation – you only care about beer (I drink beer maybe once a week – and not very much). Also – you have no interests.
f. You give me nothing materially (She trashes everything that she has ever owned). Also, the house is a constant mess, despite the fact that she has over 10 hours a week of cleaning help.
g. You give your kids nothing. Variation – Look at your son, he’s just like you. All of his problems in school are your fault.
h. The neighbors are saying x about you (variations include my mom, my friends).
g, Your friends are all dysfunctional (yes, they like to have a few beers on weekends, but they all support their families, and many have good marriages).
h. You are abusive. Variation – you come from a family of abusers and you are genetically off.
i. Your kids hate you (They are usually relieved when mom leaves the room, and I have close relationships with all of them).
j. My friends’ husbands are better than you.
Good piece, blueshound. One of the things that my therapist is having me do (as a pre-divorce measure), is to create a daily log of the abusive comments. The problem is, that there are essentially the same core comments to every rant:
a. You are a lousy provider. Variation: With your education, you should be making a lot more (I am a lawyer working in-house at a company with a half time consulting gig on the side). Also, she has never worked.
b. You are a poor example for your children. Variation – you are not religious enough (I am actually a middle of the road Orthodox Jew who does not wear his religion on his sleeve and who tries to teach his kids to be tolerant and non-judgmental).
c. Your family is so f-ked up and your children never see your mother (she lives 6,000 miles away, and does visit a few times a year). Variations – nobody in your family cares about you (I have excellent relationships with all of them), nobody in your family cares about your kids,
d. You only care about working out (I exercise 4 days a week – to keep my sanity – better than drinking!)
e. You don’t care about anything.
f. You give me nothing materially (She trashes everything that she has ever owned).
g. You give your kids nothing. Variation – Look at your son, he s just like you. All of his problems in school are your fault.
h. The neighbors are saying x about you (variations include my mom, my friends).
g, Your friends are all dysfunctional (yes, they like to have a few beers on weekends, but they all support their families, and many have good marriages).
h. You are abusive. Variation – you come from a family of abusers and you are genetically off.
i. Your kids hate you (They are usually relieved when mom leaves the room, and I have close relationships with all of them).
As it turned out, yesterday, my wife called me somewhere between 17-20 times, repeatedly, including while I was on the phone with clients. Mostly to yell at me for being a lousy provider (based on the fact that I have the gall to occasionally reign in runaway spending).
Good fun.
Sorry about the double posting.